Miscarriage Help

Miscarriage: You are not crazy or alone...

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 08:42:53 -0500

Emily says:

i found out i was pregnant after a week of anxiety, feeling it in my body but not being able to take a test yet. finally i took one and it was positive, but it was very light. i thought nothing of it. my first apt with the midwife was just paperwork, and she scheduled me for two months later. i was annoyed because i thought she was waiting too long. despite this i went and made another appt with another doctor, who couldnt give me an appt for two months either. coincidentally, the next day they called me and said i could come in later that week. the very next day i noticed some spotting. i immediately got worried. i called my doctor, but since they had actually never seen me, it was pointless. i just decided to go to the er. i had to go alone, which was by far the worst experience in my life. by the time they got me in there and was bleeding more heavily, an even though they kept telling me it was coming from outside the cervix, i knew in my heart they were wrong. i had lost my baby at 9 weeks. i had three healthy normal pregnancies before, and this was so hard to swallow. i always thought this would never happen to me. i tried to imagine the thought of it when i heard of a loved one going through it, and i never could. well, now i know. and after 2 months, im still healing emotionally. i want more people to talk to about it because i feel that unless youve gone through it, you will never understand. i cry my eyes out missing this person i never met, and i fear people think im crazy.

Dear Emily,

I am so sorry for your loss.

Having to go to the ER alone must have been so terrible and frightening, too.

You are NOT crazy for feeling what you do. You miss your baby because you loved your baby. You're grieving...Please remember that and treat yourself very gently during this time.

When people talk about miscarriage, you feel far less isolated. I understand why you wish people would open up to you about this. Having someone to talk to who listens and validates your pain, grief and loss, helps make the steps you take toward healing a bit easier. I know none of it's easy, but having people who understand miscarriage and care about what you've been through, helps.

If your tears fall, let them fall. To me, crying is a release. It's a way for the spirit to make room in your life for healing to arrive. We need to feel first, and that's a road I've walked, too. Nobody wants to cry, but believe me when I say I did my share of it and then some.

I had to. Just like you have to.

If you find you're in need of venting some more, please know you are always welcome here. There are never too many times to talk about your miscarriage and how you're doing. The road can be quite bumpy, and we are all in this together to lend a hand when the bumps get a bit much.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Blessings, Healing and Light to you,

Ellen

Today's angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue is: "Should you desire an instant change, that is certainly available to you, as your heart desires."

Read hundreds of miscarriage comments and/or post your own by clicking here

Go to Amazon to purchaseI Never Held You: A book about miscarriage, healing, and recovery, or subscribe to my Author Connect Miscarriage Blog and browse through my book for free. (Link will open in a new window).

Miscarriage: What's my baby's life like in Heaven?

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 08:53:57 -0500

Heather says:
Dear Ellen,

I just had a miscarriage 4 weeks ago today. The first doctor's visit went badly, and we worried, but were optimistic. The second visit a week later was awful. The doctor told ud to come back in a week, but barring a miracle, we would lose our baby. The next week, my baby was gone. It was not even in the gestational sack anymore. I couldn't bring myself to have the D&C because at that point my bloodwork was good, and everything should have been fine according to it. Two days later I began to spot, and the following Sunday I hemmoraged. I am doing fine now physically, and I am getting better emotionally a little along. I have a great family and great friends. My husband is the one I worry about. He is making progress too though. He has agreed to go to a Griefshare Bible Study. The biggest problem I have is dealing with other people who are pregnant. My due date was supposed to be March 7th. It seemes like everyone I know is pregnant. My niece is due in Feb. My cousin's wife is due in Feb. My cousin is due March 14. My co-worker is due March 4th. It is hardest to be around her. I know I have a bad attitude, but she's been married for like five minutes and I've been married for five years. I know it is wrong of me to be jealous, and I try to be really nice. I feel so guilty for thinking bad thoughts. I really don't begrudge her her baby, I just wish I had mine back. It is so hard to see these people. I am happy for them, and I want to be supportive and solicitous of them, but evertime I try to talk to them about their babies, I end up rushing from the conversation as inconspicuously as I can so I can go somewhere to cry. I'm afraid that it will get worse as they get bigger. How do you get on with the rest of your life when it seems like everyone around you is a reminder of what you no longer have? Also, is there somewhere in the Bible that will tell me what my baby looks like? Does it have a body? Does anyone read to it, sing it songs, kiss it's face? I know my baby is taken care of, but I can't visualize it's life in Heaven. That is really hard for me. If you have any of those answers I would be so grateful. Plus please pray for my friend. She is six weeks from delivering, and the doctor just discovered that she has a cancerous growth on her ovary. She sees a specialist tomorrow to find out how they are going to safely remove baby and growth to keep both mom and baby safe.
Today is the day I found out about your book. I look forward to getting it, and reading it. It sounds like sharing your experiences has helped a lot of other women deal with their grief.

Thank you,

Heather

Ellen says:

Dear Heather,

I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Please don't beat yourself up for feeling pain, jealousy, confusion or guilt-when so many around you are pregnant. I felt the very same way. I felt joy for these women, but my heart screamed out for my own baby. For some time after my miscarriage, I'd have to quietly step away from a baby shower, women who were pregnant, and simply going to my OBGYN for my annual exam caused pain. There were (are) so many pictures of babies on her office walls with letters from grateful parents.

It seemed I saw pregnant women EVERYWHERE. My mind always went to this question: Why not me?

Only God knew, and right now you may believe that, but your heart still must grieve. I believe it's how we were created. In time, the grief turns into a quiet acceptance that our baby is safe in the loving arms of God and we begin to move forward with our lives.
Do we forget our baby or babies? No way. Are we expected to? I don't think so, and even if we were, it'd be like asking the impossible.

Example: My parents lost my brother, David, when he was nearly two. My mother was seven months pregnant with me. 41 years later, do you think they've forgotten David? Of course not. It took time for them to feel 'normal' again, but they were changed by their experience of deep loss, just as you, me, and all the women here, (men too), are. And they know, especially my mother, David is in Heaven. I know it too, and you'll see that in my book.

Do all these feelings make you or I a bad person? No. I don't believe that for a minute. You are grieving-just as I was. Of course you miss your baby. You were already in love with your little one the moment you found out about his or her existence.

Support, love, compassion, empathy from others, and your deep faith will carry you through this difficult time of healing. It's never easy, and I know you're aware of that as you struggle with your grief. Please allow yourself the time you need to get through this. Be gentle with yourself. You're a woman who has lost her baby to miscarriage. This IS a big deal, a tremendous loss, and you've every right to grieve. Grief often encompasses so many emotions-including feeling like others have what you want so much- a baby to hold and love with all your heart.

Take it from one who couldn't get down the baby food isle at a supermarket without crying, or coming VERY close to it.

You sound like your faith is very strong and deeply rooted. Where you are searching for some answers to help you with your pain from the Bible, I've found a website that I pray you'll find helpful.

The name of this page is:
Is My Baby in Heaven?
Heavenly Visions, Theological Insight, Bible Help

Christian help, hope and comfort when grieving the loss of a baby due to miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth or infant death.

The URL is:
http://www.therefinersfire.org/babies_go_to_heaven.htm

I also found this page on one of Marnie Pehrson's site, She Love's God. Marnie is a wonderful woman who graciously contributed her story of miscarriage to my book, I Never Held You. On one of her websites, http://shelovesgod.com, there's a woman who writes of her experiences, etc., after miscarriage and of angels, etc. I think you'll find some comfort through her words, too.

"Babies Do Go To Heaven" by Connie Ard
Here's the URL:
http://www.shelovesgod.com/library/article.cfm?articleid=3140

Heather, you come back here whenever you want. I am glad you found us, although I wish you didn't have to. My heart & thoughts are with you, as are my prayers. All the women here care about you, your loss, your struggle. We understand the depths of your pain and together, we connect in a very powerful, supportive way.

God Bless You,
Ellen

PS-Your friend is in my prayers, too.

(Taken from the archives of MiscarriageHelp.com)

Today's angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue is: "As you make your changes, they will go as quickly as you feel comfortable."
Read hundreds of miscarriage comments and/or post your own by clicking here

Go to Amazon to purchaseI Never Held You: A book about miscarriage, healing, and recovery, or subscribe to my Author Connect Miscarriage Blog and browse through my book for free. (Link will open in a new window).

Miscarriage: Pregnant co-worker talks about pregnancy a lot...

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 09:12:21 -0500

Please click on the read more link below for the rest of Laura's comment.

Read hundreds of miscarriage comments and/or post your own by clicking here
Laura says:

Hi Ellen,
It was me that wrote about my baby being due on August 19th. I am, most days, doing ok and healing, but I am having a problem at work that I thought maybe someone else might have experienced. I am a nurse and work in a doctors office. So obviously around medical people all the time. (and it is true, even in the medical field you could never know how a patient was truely feeling during a miscarriage unless you've had one :( I'm so sorry about that. Even I had a bad medical experience when I lost my baby. Anyway one of my coworkers is pregnant. She's due in Dec. Every single day I have to listen to her complain about how bad she feels and how fat she's getting. It's like a knife turning in my body every time. She has even held up her shirt and unbuttoned her pants to show me how fat she was getting. (oh she does know that I had a miscarriage in Jan.) How can I tell her that she's torturing me without being mean? I know that this is an amazing time for her and I know that she shouldn't have to censor herself, but I just can't take it. My therapist told me I have to tell her how I feel, but I really don't know how. Any suggestions? I really don't want to be the bummer but I have to survive too.
Thanks,
Laura

Dear Laura,
I remember you, and again am so sorry for your loss.

You're in a situation I believe many women find themselves caught in. Although I'm no therapist, I certainly agree with yours. I can offer you what came to mind when you presented your problem.

I know you want your coworker to be happy. It's understandable, on the flip side, that her pregnancy- and hearing about it every day, hurts you. It's like a constant reminder of what you lost. The baby you lost. Your whole lousy experience with miscarriage.

It seems she's taking things a bit far by showing off her belly to you, etc., knowing you suffered a miscarriage and are hurting inside. However, we aren't mind readers and she's probably so wrapped up in her pregancy, she's forgotten about what you're feeling. Okay, we'll give her that. So...what do you say?

If it were me, this is how I'd handle it: Your coworker approaches you and starts talking about how she's feeling terrible or fat or whatever...
You say: "Jane, I'm really happy for you, and understand your excitement. But, it's hard for me to talk about your pregnancy because I'm not even close to being over my miscarriage. It's not you, but I hope you understand. I'm still grieving the loss of my baby.."

That's just a suggestion, Laura, and I know you'll put your own words out there. I wanted to give you an example of how I'd say what I needed to, without putting 'Jane' on the defensive. You're essentially saying how happy you are for her- first. Then, you're letting her know how much you're still hurting.

I certainly hope she 'gets it' and steps back a little when it comes to talking to you about her pregnancy. I'm sure there are many other nurses for her to talk to, show here belly to, etc. You're not alienating her- you're just letting her know how you feel.

It takes time, as you sadly know, to grieve. Miscarriage cuts so deep into our soul and you've also got what would have been your baby's due date approaching. I know that makes things more difficult. Every November, even to this day, I think about my son because he was going to be a 'Thanksgiving baby'.

I wish you the very best and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Blessings, Healing and Light to you,
Ellen

Ellen,
Thanks for the help. I'll try it today. I just have to for my own sanity. You have been such a blessing to so many and I thank God for you!!! (and I'll say a prayer for your little Thanksgiving angel)
Laura

Dear Laura,
Best of luck to you...you do need to do this for your own sanity- for your health and healing. I thank God for you, too, and your prayer for my "little Thankgiving angel" means more to me than you know.
Love and Peace to you,
Ellen

Today's angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue is: "Working in conjunction with Heavenly guides, your changes will come about in a monumental way."

Read hundreds of miscarriage comments and/or post your own by clicking here

Go to Amazon to purchaseI Never Held You: A book about miscarriage, healing, and recovery, or subscribe to my Author Connect Miscarriage Blog and browse through my book for free. (Link will open in a new window).

Miscarriage & Infant Loss Memorial Jewelry

Thu, 22 May 2008 12:55:33 -0500

Healing Jewelry for Miscarriage, Infant Loss, Fertility, Sympathy, Pregnancy and Birth
Handmade Artisan sterling jewelry specializing in jewelry for miscarriage, infant loss, fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby.

Raffia-Creative gifts by creative moms...
For a special gift, perhaps a pampering gift basket made by women who care, please send an email to raffiagifts@hotmail.com

Hello Everyone,

Today's Angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue is: "You are a shining example of God's handiwork, encapsulated in a being so lovely that all of Heaven breathes deeply at the sight of you."
Please click the read more link for the rest of this post.
May today find you doing well. With Memorial Day approaching, I thought it would be appropriate to mention miscarriage jewelry, some places to find it, and how my beautiful miscarriage pendant serves as a constant reminder of LOVE. It is also the very first tangible thing I ever had that said, "He was real. He was loved. He is remembered and will always be in my heart."

May today find you doing well. With Memorial Day approaching, I thought it would be appropriate to mention miscarriage jewelry, some places to find it, and how my beautiful miscarriage pendant serves as a constant reminder of LOVE. It is also the very first tangible thing I ever had that said, "He was real. He was loved. He is remembered and will always be in my heart."

Many years after my miscarriage, I learned about places like http://myforeverchild.com, (which is where my miscarriage pendant came from). It's not the necklace itself that means so much to me. A necklace is simply material- either silver, gold, steel, etc. The meaning behind it is what's special, and the loving energy used to craft it. Just for me. Just for Alex.

I wear it all the time, and am forever grateful to Sue for making it with plenty of tender, loving care.

I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that I had a memorial service for my son, Alex, some sixteen years after my miscarriage. This Memorial Day, I think I will go to same place and say a prayer or two. I know Alex is all around me, not in a cemetary. I've always felt this way. But, I want to pay tribute to him and let him know, once again, how much he touched my life, and the lives of many others through what he taught me during his brief stay within my womb.

If you are interested in miscarriage/infant loss memorial jewelry, etc., here are some places to look into:
www.MyForeverChild.com
www.LaBelleDame.com
www.littleangelsonlinestore.com
www.miscarriagememories.com/
www.ourmiscarriage.com/miscarriage_jewelry.html
www.beadedroyalty.com/miscarriage-bracelet.htm

Blessings, Love and Light to you,
Ellen

Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss Jewelry -Customised jewelry to celebrate the life of a child lost in miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. Each piece is created using carefully selected symbols to help support the grieving parent after the loss of a baby.

Raffia-Creative gifts by creative moms...
For a special gift, perhaps a pampering gift basket made by women who care, please send an email to raffiagifts@hotmail.com

Read hundreds of miscarriage comments and/or post your own by clicking here

Go to Amazon to purchaseI Never Held You: A book about miscarriage, healing, and recovery, or subscribe to my Author Connect Miscarriage Blog and browse through my book for free. (Link will open in a new window).

Hello from Ellen, Host of MiscarriageHelp.com

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 07:45:22 -0500
Your Host, Ellen M. DuBois

Hello Everyone,
MiscarriageHelp.com needs your vote! :) This site is up for the "Best Blogging Host". So...if any of you or your friends feel like signing in to Bloggers Choice Awards, (they do need name, password, etc.) your votes would be appreciated! The button right above this message will take you to Blogger's Choice Awards. Thanks to any of you who vote for this site.
Blessings,
Ellen

My book, I Never Held You, a book about miscarriage, healing and recovery at Amazon.com:

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, your host. Please consider this your safe place to share your feelings after miscarriage. I read all of your comments, and respond. Many other women and family members respond, too. We have formed a wide circle of support. Why? Because you matter. Your feelings matter. Your miscarriage and the baby you lost matter.

This site also serves as the companion support site to the my book I Never Held You, a book about miscarriage, healing and recovery. I Never Held You is also a very helpful tool for grief healing in general, with commentaries by Dr. Linda Backman, Grief Counselor and Psychologist.
Post your feelings after miscarriage & connect w/others. Miscarriage support IS available- and your grief is never dismissed here.

Love, Light & Healing to you,

Ellen

Send me an email :
ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Read hundreds of miscarriage comments and/or post your own by clicking here

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How To Help a Woman After A Miscarriage Article By: Ellen M. DuBois.

I wrote a book about miscarriage because I knew I was supposed to. I never wanted a woman to feel as alone and isolated as I did after my miscarriage some sixteen-years ago.

One thing led to another. My small ebook became a much longer, even more helpful paperback with Dr. Linda Backman helping steer women through the grief process with compassion and empathy. MiscarriageHelp.com came to be and it's taken off beyond my wildest expectations- giving women a place to share their feelings and connect after miscarriage.

Supporting YOU, the women who have miscarried, is a deep passion. I CARE about you and want you to always feel like you've got a place to turn to where others understand you. I want you to feel like you've got a friend in me who values you, validates your loss, and will not stop pushing away the obstacles along the path to greater miscarriage awareness & support.

That's the abbreviated version of why I do what I do....it's about YOU.

Note: If you've read my book, I Never Held You, and found it helped you, there's a magazine called Aspire that wants to know about it, (and any other books you've found helpful). Basically, people write in and say why a particular book helped them. Here's how the page reads: Books That Shape Our Lives. "Have you ever been profoundly affected by a book you've read? One that perhaps allowed you to see things from a fresh perspective, get out of a rut, or help you get centered on what really matters? Please help us create a circle of empowering friendship, sharing with each other books that shape our lives in the hopes that they may touch others. Here's to you finding a book on these pages that will touch your heart and lead you on a new, inspiring journey." If you feel inclined and it's from your heart, please email ellie (at) upliftingconnection.com with your name, the author, and a brief description (up to 120 words) of why the book is so important to you.

To any of you who decide to email Aspire, I thank you. It's a very fine publication and it's free, too! I picked one up and have found so many inspiring, empowering and enlightening articles and resources. I truly love the publication. They have a website and you can find it at www.upliftingconnections.com. I hope you enjoy and may you find something that will help you on your journey towards healing and recovery after miscarriage.

Miscarriage:Click here for Book Reviews of I Never Held You
Go to Amazon to purchaseI Never Held You: A book about miscarriage, healing, and recovery, or subscribe to my Author Connect Miscarriage Blog and browse through my book for free. (Link will open in a new window).

Miscarriage Sympathy Card: Is there a need?

Sun, 6 Apr 2008 07:25:29 -0500
Please click on the read more link below to read this comment on my miscarriage greeting card. I value your input very much. Let's pray it gets published! Thank you, Ellen.

Hello Everyone,

I'd like to get your opinion on something. First, let me give you today's angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue: "You have the power, with your focused intention, to create a career that is rooted in your life's purpose." Also, let me say that for any of you experiencing the aftermath of miscarriage, my heart goes out to you and you're in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for your loss.

Some of you may know I have a couple of greeting cards published. I am so thrilled about this and pray it continues to happen.

However, there's one sentiment I wrote for you-and women and their families everywhere. It deals with the loss of baby to miscarriage. It's a sympathy card for someone who miscarried or had a stillbirth.

I'm a card person by nature. Yesterday was my nephew's birthday and I got him a couple, not one, cards. If there were another that struck me, I probably would've bought it. My family's always been a card family: the 'mushy' kind of card and always one or two very funny cards.

When I wrote and submitted a poem for consideration as a sympathy card for miscarriage and stillbirth, I knew I was taking a risk. But, life is about taking chances. My guts told me a miscarriage sympathy card was needed. Let me give you an example: A woman came into the shop my friend owns. I wasn't working that day. She asked my friend if there were any cards that dealt with the loss of a child "in embryo." My friend asked her if she meant miscarriage, and the woman said yes. Long story short, there weren't any cards. My book was there and yes, a great help for which I'm grateful. But, it wasn't a card. You see, my miscarriage book, I Never Held You, is very helpful and comforting, but it's not something you necessarily give right away. A woman who has miscarried may need a little time to absorb what's happened.

Some people need the book right away. Others need time. We all grieve at our own pace and know when we are ready for any kind of step.

A card stating how sorry you are for the loss of your baby to miscarriage and/or stillbirth is different. It's a short sentiment from the heart that lets a woman and her family know they are loved, cared for, and most importantly, validates a woman's loss and grief-her family's, too. It says, (in short), "Your miscarriage is real and I know you've lost a baby you loved. I am deeply sorry."

Now, I don't know if my card will be published. I can tell you out of all the cards I've written that are under consideration, this is the most important one to me.

I'd like to know from you: Do you think there's a need for my miscarriage sympathy card?

If you have the time, please post your response. Believe me, if you don't feel there's a need, that's okay. If you do, fine. All of your responses are valuable.

I'd just like to broaden the responses I've received. So far, everyone has said they feel there's a need for this card. I know there are cards like it somewhere out there. I don't know if they are readily available in stores, bookstores, etc. That is what I'd like to see because it's all part of my mission: helping women and their families who have suffered through miscarriage. I do so through my book, this site, and hopefully a sympathy card.

Thank you for your input.

Blessings, Healing and Light to you all,
Ellen

Lorrie says:

hello Ellen,

it has been some time since i have written but i still read weekly. I wanted to respond to your question about the sympathy card. I think it is a wonderful idea considering that a friend of mine has just lost their 8th baby. They have decided not to try anymore and i really wanted to get them something ( like a card) to let them know how sorry we are and how we will be here for them. Not everyone knows what to say (right or wrong) and sometimes if it is already in black and white, they feel it has to be appropriate. I feel more people would think to send a card to someone if the card exists already. I think most people really do care but don't feel it is safe or appropriate to send a card cuz it is just not a conscious thing about miscarriage. If people don't talk about it, it must mean that no one should. Unfortunately that is how society is pertaying this loss.Back in the day, people would not address or talk about a gay relationship (even though not all except it)now we have companies that offer domestic insurance for couples. it just starts with acknowledgement and then we can take bigger strides. "The Sympathy Card" is the acknowledgement we just might need to get that ball rolling. I am proud to have the chance to express to you how important your journey is, and proud to be able associate myself with this website. You're are truly an inspiration to all. God Bless
Lorrie

Teresa says:
I think that a sympathy card for miscarriage is an excellent idea. Miscarriage is such a lonely and personal experience, and because of that people often do not know what to say. So, having a card that is specific to the miscarriage can help both parties. The person giving the card will feel like they are being specific to the concern, and the receiver will feel validated.

On a side note about miscarriage, I had a big day yesterday, as I think the grief of it all just finally hit me. I think I had been holding back quite a bit and was trying to be strong about it all. I made a big step and actually called my doctor to just say I was having a bad day, and also had a great conversation with my husband. It was very therapeutic. Noone can quite understand how a miscarriage feels unless they have gone through it.

Thank you Lorrie and Teresa. Your words of support about a miscarriage card are much appreciated. Teresa, I am so sorry for what you're going through right now. Please hang in, and know we are all here for you. It's very difficult when the grief after miscarriage hits you all at once. It feels like a wet cloak has been placed over you and it's so, so heavy. Thank God you were able to talk to both your doctor and your husband. Support, as you know, is so critical to our healing and simply helps us feel better- a bit lighter.

Lorrie, I am glad to hear from you again, and thank you so much for touching my heart as you always do. I am proud to know you, talk to you, and have your words help women on this site as they have. You inspire me.

New: Sue says: 4-22-08
We are a 3 Doctor OB-GYN group in Green Bay Wisconsin and I am looking to buy some cards concerning miscarriage. Unfortunately, miscarriages occur far to frequently and we would like to purchase some quality cards to give to our patients to console them. Please contact me.

UPDATE ON THE MISCARRIAGE SYMPATHY CARD:
Hello Everyone,

Blessings to you all today. I have some exciting news to share, but first, here is today's angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue: "Each moment in prayer is like a coin put into a bank account."

Well, I asked some time ago if anyone thought a sympathy card written specifically for miscarriage was good idea. The response was great, and everyone I heard from thought it would help both the person giving the card, (they'd actually have a card addressing the loss of miscarriage), and the woman and her family who suffered the loss.

Well, I am very happy to report that one of my sentiments is now being considered by a major greeting card/publishing company. I can't say who, but will let you know if it gets published.

I can't express how important this is to me. When a sympathy card addressing the loss of a baby to miscarriage is visible world wide, awareness is heightened. I cannot give up, and this could be a very major step in reaching one of my goals- for you, me- all of us who have taken a rather cold swim in the scary sea after miscarriage. A miscarriage sympathy card will give people the words they need to convey to women and their families after miscarriage. I've been praying for this to happen and will continue to do so. You've all have helped so much in sharing your hearts on this site and with each other. YOU have shown the world how deep the sting of miscarriage runs and have demonstrated the need for more support.

Let me say to all of you, I am so sorry for your loss and wish you much light, love and healing.

I pray we have a card that'll say the same to those who need it very, very much. We'll have to wait and see...

God Bless,
Ellen

Shelly says:

Dear Ellen,
I think a miscarriage sympathy card is so needed. I've experienced one miscarriage myself. It was one of the most painful things I've ever been through, and there weren't any cards given to me. I know they would have provided great comfort. Now, one of my dearest friends has had a miscarriage, and finding a card that addresses miscarriage specifically would be so helpful. I'll get a blank card and write my own words for now, but I DO hope your card gets published. There are so many who need it. Thank you for this site and for all you're doing. I feel so much for all the people here and wish them comfort and recovery.

Dear Shelly,
First, I am so sorry for your loss, and that of your friend. I wish you both healing, comfort and love.

I want to thank you for taking the time to express your feelings about a miscarriage sympathy card and the need for one. I know there are some out there somewhere, but I've heard from everyone I've spoken to- they're just nowhere to be found. It's not like you can walk into your local card/gift store, drugstore, etc., and find a sympathy card specifically addressing miscarriage. I'm not saying there aren't any stores that carry them. I am saying I've yet to find one.

I have by no means given up hope that my card will get published. When it does, (I'm being very positive here...), I will let everyone know where it can be found and who the publisher is.

Again, thank you for sharing your feelings and my heart goes out to you and your friend. May you find comfort in each other.

Love, Light and Healing,
Ellen

Read hundreds of miscarriage comments and/or post your own by clicking here

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Amanda- In Memorium

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 10:48:02 -0600
Please click the read more link to read about Amanda and the song I wrote to honor her life. She will not be forgotten.Hello Everyone,

It's with great sadness that I write this. My friend of many years called me this morning. Her daughter passed away. Only in her twenties, Amanda is now with God.

I didn't know what to say when my friend called. The tears fell. I wanted to be strong. My friend asked me to sing at Amanda's memorial service, and I pray to God for the strength to do so. For my friend...for her family...for Mandy.

Loss is so painful. You know it already. Whether you've lost your child to miscarriage, or lost your child in some other way, grief can be consuming. ANY loss hurts, especially this time of year. My prayers are with my friend and her family, and they are with all of you who are struggling with grief and loss. I ask God to bless each and every one of you.

The Day The Train Came
Dedicated to Amanda

I�ll never understand the reason why
You had to leave and say goodbye.
Left with your sweet memories-
The day the train came.

Yeah, I know you�re in a better place
Golden light. Heaven�s Grace.
But, the tears keep falling ever since
The day the train came.

Oh, the conductor shouted, �All aboard-
You�re comin� home to the Lord.�
Seats filled with angels in accord-
Wrapped you in their wings of white.
Full of light, there was no pain-
All the angels knew your name.
Engineer and God, One in the same-
You knew a love so beautiful�
The day the train came.
The day the train came.

I�ll never forget you, you�re in my heart
Try to be strong, but I�m torn apart-
I know you�re around me, love & faith-
The day the train came.

Hear this message I send to you,
As the train moves off into the blue-
I will never, ever stop lovin� you.
The day the train came.

Oh, the conductor shouted, �All aboard-
You�re comin� home to the Lord.�
Seats filled with angels in accord-
Wrapped you in their wings of white.
Full of light, there was no pain-
All the angels knew your name.
Engineer and God, One in the same-
You knew a love so beautiful�
You'll always be beautiful�
The day the train came.
The day the train came.
By: Ellen M. DuBois

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Miscarriage Comments 2007 through Present (2008)

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 08:07:00 -0600

God bless you during this time. This is a safe place for you to share your feelings after miscarriage- whatever they may be.

There are hundreds of comments at MiscarriageHelp.com from women all over the world who have shared their pain- and gained support by feeling less alone in their struggle. THAT is the whole point of this site- YOU feeling less alone and more supported as you either are living through, or are remembering, your miscarriage.

Peace, love, comfort and blessings to all of you. Through each other, we form a chain of support that cannot be broken.
Truly Yours,
Ellen

Excerpts from your comments:
"People talk about a miscarriage as if it was the flu."
"Now that I'm feeling better, the grief is overwhelming at times. My husband has been wonderful, but I'm feeling very isolated because my closest friends are pregnant. "
"We had plans to put up another stocking and write "Baby" on it for Christmas morning. Instead it was just really sad. "
"I can't deal with this. I know it sounds weak, but, I am having such a hard time with my miscarriage..."
"I'm having a very tough time, and there are days when I can't seem to get past anything. "
"I was about 14 weeks when I miscarried and it was and is still completely devastating. "
"I cant believe Christmas is less then a week away. Last week I was looking forward to NEXT Christmas because it would have been my babies first. Now I can't even face this Christmas."

Read hundreds of miscarriage comments and/or post your own by clicking here

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What To Say When Someone's Miscarried

Hello Everyone,

May the peace and comfort of those around you, and those who are thinking of you, wrap around you like a warm blanket.

Today's angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue is: "Search the horizon for opportunities to serve, and they present themselves readily to you."

Here's a short, straight to the heart suggestion I'd like to present to those searching for the right words to say to someone who has miscarried:
"I am so sorry for your loss. If there's anything I can do, or if you just need someone to talk to, I'm here for you."

I know the simplicity of this sentiment may seem painfully obvious, but to many, it's not. People fumble for the right words, and often come up with something that's either unintentionally hurtfull, too long, or doesn't specifically address the need of the one who has suffered a miscarriage. Actually, the needs of everyone affected by miscarriage must be considered.

So, to anyone out there who is trying to find the right words and is having a tough time, take what I've said above and make it your own. If you're addressing a child who was expecting a sibling, change things around to bring the same sentiment of caring, concern and support to meet the perspective of a child and what they're going through. If it's the husband or partner you're talking to, the wording doesn't really have to change. An aunt, uncle, grandparents, etc., can all be comforted if they are grieving after a miscarriage by simple words of comfort, from the heart, that recognize and validate a loss.

After all, miscarriage is a VERY real loss. Just ask any of us who have been through it.

Blessings, Love and Light to you,
Ellen

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Miscarriage"...it's OK to be angry and that this wasn't your fault."
Hello Everyone,

Blessings, healing and light to you today. An an anonymous comment came in and I agree so much with what she says. I want her to know that she is in my thoughts and prayers, and that I'm so sorry for her loss.

Today's Angel Message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue is: "Giving from a place of abundance, where you know that you have much to give, brings joy to all."
Anonymous:

I'm 25 and I had my miscarriage at the beginning of this year, 2008. I was about 10 weeks along when one Friday night, I started to spot ever so slightly. I thought it had to do with the fact that my husband and I had intercourse earlier that day, but we decided to go to the emergency room to make sure. (AS first-time parents we were worry-warts.) And rightly so--I was told that I was at the beginning of a miscarriage. I was devastated--it all felt like a bad dream. The worst part was that we had been trying very hard for over a year and we were so excited that we were finally going to have a baby of our own! I'll never forget the worst moment of my life--lying on the sonogram table, and instead of having THE moment when you and your husband both look together over at the screen and see for the first time, your child there, instead, some loud-mouth lady I didn't know explained that "although she wasn't technically allowed to give an opinion, it didn't look like there was much of a baby in there." The look on my husband's face was enough for me. I knew at that moment my baby was gone.
It's so hard to move on. Even though it's been months and we've been trying again, we've had no success and some days, like today, I feel so depressed and miserable. People really don't get it--I've had more judgment brought down on me than ever in my life. Many of my family members think I did something to cause the miscarriage--even though I'm young, fit and don't drink, smoke, or anything of the like. Everyone seems to want to try and 'explain' it. they can't accept the answer that it "just happens sometimes." So while I try to grieve, I'm also dealing with that.
On the flip side there are those who see this as no big deal, because it wasn't a "real" baby, and they keep telling me I should be grateful it wasn't a stillbirth baby or that I lost it later, because that would make it "harder." The world is full of idiots and insensitive people. NOTE TO THE WORLD: If you know a woman who has a miscarriage, ASK her about it even if you don't know what to say. Just asking and listening, not judging or giving "helpful" advice is what she needs.
I miss my baby. To have he or she taken away so suddenly was like realizing that for three months of my life I was talking to and preparing a life for an imaginary friend. I honestly don't think I will ever "get over this" until I can have my baby back. In my heart, I have to believe that it just wasn't the right time and that he or she will come back to me later. It sounds weird but that's the only thought that helps. So, hopefully at some point in the near future, I will be able to become pregnant again, so that I don't have to secretly envy and despise all those young mothers who are pregnant or who just gave birth. I guess that's it, I just wanted to post this to help anyone else out there who is struggling, and to let them know that.

Dear Anonymous,

I am so sorry for your loss and agree with what you've said. You have been through such an emotional ride, and the pain, isolation, envy of others who are pregnant and more are all very difficult emotional aspects of miscarriage. When others dismiss your loss, it causes pain and anger. You have every right to feel what you do, and have brought about some very good points. I thank you for sharing them.

When you talk to a woman who has miscarried, please don't make her feel like it's her fault in ANY way. Also, by commenting on her loss as being a 'blessing' because it either didn't happen further into the pregnancy, or wasn't a stillbirth, etc., is like rubbing salt into her wounds. As this woman clearly points out, three months of her LIFE were spent loving the LIFE inside of her. She and her husband had plans for their baby, and loved their baby very, very much.

Suddenly, the rug was ripped out from under both of them. She is left dealing with not only her grief, but people who simply say the wrong things and imply this is something she should 'be over with' and also should get on with her life. This does not help her, comfort her, etc. These words and suggestions only serve to hurt her and cause her healing to be hindered.

This woman needs support, comfort and most importantly, acknowledgment of her very real grief. She did not lose a shoe. She lost a baby.

In her note to the world she states: "NOTE TO THE WORLD: If you know a woman who has a miscarriage, ASK her about it even if you don't know what to say. Just asking and listening, not judging or giving "helpful" advice is what she needs."

Please, to all those reading this who don't know what to say to a woman who has miscarried, take these words to heart. The simple act of asking about her miscarriage says: I know you've just suffered a terrible loss and I care about how you're doing.

To this woman I say, I pray your dreams of having a baby come true. I do agree that your baby will return to you, as you said, and it doesn't sound weird to me at all. There are so many unanswered questions in the Universe...Why should this feeling you have be wrong? It's not. It's your feeling and you go with it.

On a last note: Feel your feelings. Yes-even if they are angry. They will not always stay that way and I had my share of angry feelings after my miscarriage. I think I was jealous of every woman I saw who was either pregnant, or out walking her baby. For a while I thought I was going crazy, but learned I was not. Grief, pain, anger, fear, jealously and an overall sense of disbelief and feeling disconnected are all parts of what we go through after miscarriage.

Just being there for a woman and her family after miscarriage is so important. As stated above, even if you don't know what to say. You can ask her how she's doing. You can listen to her-let her vent. But, please, for everyone's sake, don't imply it wasn't meant to be, her fault, or that she should be thankful. You're only hurting her more when you say things like that. I know people are reaching and don't know how to express their feelings to the woman who has miscarried.

That's why we are here-Just support her, love her, ask how she is, and acknowledge her loss.

Blessings, Love and Light to you all,
Ellen

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Miscarriage, Ectopic Pregnancy, Needing Support

Hello Everyone,

Blessings to you today. Allye, as you'll see below, has been on such an emotional ride after losing her baby because her pregnancy was ectopic. Back and forth her levels went, and I can imagine the strain she was living under.

I send her healing light, prayers, and thoughts.

Today's angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue is: "Every moment of your life is a chance to serve, and thus, is an opportunity to be joyful." Allye says:
Dear Ellen, I wrote to you a couple of weeks ago and told you my story of having my tubes tied after my second baby and 19 monthgs later finding out I was pregnant. In my story I told you my Dr. thought and I thought I had miscarried. He had wanted to check my levels untill they got to zero. Well when he cjecked them and they had dropped to 74 he wanted me to come back again a week later to recheck them. Wehn my husband and I went back and got them checked again they and gone up to 102. Needless to say we went back two days later and they had gone up to 130. A small part of me and my husband had a small hope it would turn out to be a viable pregnancy, but we new deep down it was not. The Dr. met with us that afternoon and told us that the numbers going up very slowly meant that it was more than likely a ectopic pregnancy and he would have to do surgery the next morning to get it out if it was for sure an ectopic. So the next morning I had surgery, when I woke up and got to recovery my husband told me it was an ectopic and the Dr. removed the tube completely. I think when it hit home is when I saw the pictures they took during surgery of the tube and could see the baby in the tube. I guess in some way it is a little closure but the pain will never go away. My husband and I have morned for the baby we never got to hold or see, but my husband said to me the other day that one day we will see it and know if it was a boy or girl and what he or she looks like and will finally get to hold it. And he is right, that one day will come when we will all be together in heaven. People just don't understand unless this has happened to them just how bad it hurts for both the husband and wife. I had a friend ask me yesterday how I was doing emotionaly. She is sadly one of the only two people who has asked me that. Everyone else just kind of avoids asking about that, they seem to think as I said before that because it was not planned we should not be very upset over it, which is the exact opposite. I found a web site called myforeverbaby.com that has jewlery to remember your child by. I purchased a charm that has two little foot prints on it and says on the back "in my heart" and put it on a bracelet that has my two boys names on it so I will always carry a reminder of our two healthy boys and our precious angel we never got to hold. I am so thankful I came across your website because it helps so much to express my feelings to people who truly understand what we are going through. My husband and I have decided when our house is finished being built we are going to plant a tree in honor of our baby we lost as our own private memorial. Some days are good and some bad, especialy when people who don't know what has happened tell us we should have more kids. We are taking things day by day and I know things will slowly get better with time, but I can't express to you enough how I thank you for this wedsite and your comments you post. THANK YOU!

Dear Allye,

I am so sorry. You've certainly been on one heck of an emotional roller coaster ride.

Although I wish you never had to have surgery, or go through any of this, I am thankful you came out of it okay. I realize emotionally, it's a one day at a time process. You've every right to grieve your little one, and I do agree with your husband in that you will see your baby again one day, on the other side. It's there you will hold him or her and know the love you feel now never, ever fades.

I am very familiar with Myforeverchild.com, and am wearing a necklace I got from the site when my book first came out. Sue is wonderful and she puts her whole heart into each piece of jewelry she creates. She's a blessing and I am glad you found her.

Isn't it sad that so many people still avoid talking about miscarriage? You are feeling it now, and I hope to change that, even if only a little, through this site and my book. Why is our grief ignored by so many? That's a question with many answers... I believe this: because there was never a baby seen or held, there really isn't a baby to grieve in the minds of many.

Oh, that is not so. We know it, and through our words to the world we are saying: "Listen, please. I just lost my baby. My child. The baby I had so much love for. Don't you understand? My baby never had the chance to be here on this earth with us, but was very, very alive and real. I loved my baby. I lost my baby. Please respect that and treat me with the compassion I deserve- my family deserves."

For now, we help each other. Forever we'll help each other. That's the way it works. We form this supportive area and all reach out to each other. When we do so, more people who feel very alone and isolated find us and share their heartache. It needs to come out. Carrying around all those sad feelings simply isn't healthy.

Planting a tree for your precious little one is so beautiful. I am glad you and your family are doing this together and it will serve to remind you that although you lost your baby, the love you feel will always be there and will grow- just like your tree.

Thank you Allye, for sharing your heart with all of us. You are always welcome here. All are welcome.

Blessings, Love and Light to you,
Ellen

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Our Painful Stories Of Miscarriage

Hello Everyone,

Blessings and light to you all. This one of hundreds of miscarriage stories on MiscarriageHelp.com. Each person who shares her heart is unique, yet we all share in the same pain. We share in the same hope and healing. How we get there, and what we rely for strength varies. Our faiths are different. Our backgrounds different. Yet, we are one, and we've walked the road after miscarriage, crying the same tears.

Today's angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue is: "When you transmit joy to your loved ones, there is a bond so deep that it runs without words."
I transmit joy to you.
Ellen

Mae says:

Hi,
I had a misscariage on April 18, 2002. I was 12 weeks pregnant. My doctor had ordered an ultrasound at 10 weeks because I had been on fertility treatment and wanted to see if there were more than one(I took fertility for 13 months). A week later the dr called and said I needed to come in for another ultrasound on Monday as the Tech ws not there on Friday, he said the baby was not visible in the sack and we should be able to see one by now. On Monday my husband took me in, and we had the ultrasound, The Dr came in and told us the pregnancy was not viable. He explained that at some point the baby had died and every thing was shrinking, but my body had not miscarried on its own and that I should have a d and c. They scheduled the d and c for Thursday, that was the most horrible four days. Nobody came bye to visit except this one couple who worked with my husband, I had never met them but they cared enough to come visit with us. They did not try to say things to make it better they just wanted us to know they were sorry for what we were going through. None of our Family and Friends came by. Then there was Thursday. My husband, mom, pastor, minister of music(who along with his wife were to be the baby's godparents), my moms assistant pastor, and a gal pal were all there for me. I woke up in recovery, the first thing I was aware of was that I was crying for my baby. As I became more awake I stopped. when I was brought back to the room in the one day surgery unit evry body left but my husband who took me home and stayed with me. No body came to visit, a few poeple sent cards, and one of my best friends called me every day, without her I would have never made it. She had lost her second child at 6 weeks. I have met so may people who had miscarraiges, but they all had or have had other children. Many people who I would have hoped would understand said the most awful things. the always refered to my baby as "it". One lady sent me a message "Cheer up it could be worse it could have been born with something wrong with it". I know people who have special needs children and they are wonderful parents and love thier children, I love their children. I could have handled having a special needs child much beeter than no child at all. Others just said the usual "not meant to be" stuff. I actually envy moms who got to see or hold the tiny little body of the baby they lost. I don't know if my baby was a girl or boy. The only sonogram I have is of an empty sack. I have nothing to validate that my child was ever concieved. I tried to get pregnant again, during the process I became Diabetic, by the time I got my A1C test where the OBGYN wanted it, I had had a small stroke. It was caused by heredity, I have no other contributing conditions and it was in the same place in the brain where my dad had a massive stroke when I was 16 on April 4, 1984, he lived 16 more years and died April 2, 2000. My baby was due the same week as his birthday, his was November 5th and the baby was due November 9th. Anyway, now the Dr thinks the risk is to high for me to try again. I will be 39 October 7th. So now it looks as if I will never be a mom. I wish I had a sonogram of a tiny fetus, a foot print, a lock of hair, a grave, any thing to validate that there was a child concieved. It took over a year for me to get passed the depression enough to go to church, be social, and not wish I had committed suicied the second day after the d and c, when I went in to the bathroom and found 13 of my sleeping pills. My husband was still home with me and I heard him coming I already had one in my hand and only took it. I was afraid he would catch me. I planned to go back and take the other 12 later but never got the nerve up again. I'm glad now that I didnot harm myself. My baby would be 4 years old this November. I did pick a name from the baby name book I had been iven at my first visit with my OB, I chose Daryl, which is suitable for a boy or girl and means "dear beloved". I would like to do something to memorialize my baby, but I don't have anything to put in an an album, If I planted a tree and had to move someday I couldn't take it with me, and my family and friends would think I had flipped if i planned a service after 4 years. I may have sounded bitter or angry, but I really do OK most of the time now, But certain Dated are still devastating. And evry now and then I just wake up one morning and it hits me, and I cry half the day. Thank God those are less and less. Yes, I have a very strong faith in God, can only cope with the loss knowing I will see my child one day in heaven. I have never shared my story with any site, but I hope someone can give me some advice about the memorial.
Thanks,
Mae Headley

Ellen says:

Dear Mae,

I have to admit that it's times like these, after reading your comment where you shared your heart and soul about your miscarriage, that I find myself crying. I am SO sorry for your loss, and for all you've been through, and are going through.

My story is much like your own, even the due date being in November. I'm 40, and don't have any children. Oh, I know the emptiness you feel- and I thank God for my faith. It carries me; and I pray it continues to carry you.

You are a dear person to have shared your story because it took a lot to do so. (It has with all the women here). You touched upon some of the darkest days of your life, and those feelings you had of wanting to end your life. That is such a scary place, and I am ever so grateful you found something inside to keep you here. The love for your husband, etc.

If I could give you a hug, I would. Consider these words to you a hug of support, compassion, understanding and love.

You know, my miscarriage was fifteen years ago this past April/May. (I lost my baby boy at the very end of April and like you, had the D&C a couple of days later). They too, were the worst days for me. I know what it's like to KNOW your baby is no longer alive but still inside of your womb. It's such a terrible feeling that I feel there aren't any words to describe it.

I am very glad you had a friend who called you so often, and am very sad you were left alone most of the time- except for your husband. While I'm aware that people don't often know WHAT to say or HOW to be there for a woman who has lost her baby to miscarriage, they must realize just BEING THERE shows tremendous support, caring and love. Please, to anyone reading this who doesn't have the right words to say to a friend who has just miscarried: Don't stay away- you don't have to SAY anything. Just being you and showing up to sit in silence is a strong means of support. The woman who has miscarried takes great comfort in you just being around. Believe me, there are not many words that are 'right'. However, the wrong words certainly can be fit into these phrases: "You can always have another" "Miscarriages are so common" "It was God's will" "Something could have been wrong with IT so you're better off"- Please, for the sake of the one you're trying to support, don't say these catch phrases which so often accompany the aftermath of miscarriage.

Back to you, Mae. Fifteen years after I lost my son at four and a half months, I finally have SOMETHING to honor him- to let me know he was really here although far too briefly. I never saw him, held him, but I sure did love him as you did your baby. Boy or girl matters not. I now have a necklace made for me by myforeverchild.com. It's a little heart with two foot-prints on it, and on the back it says, "Forever in my heart." I never take it off. It's my memorial to my baby, and it's so precious to me. I only found out about places like myforeverchild.com after I wrote my book and had the opportunity to meet wonderful people who do SO much to provide support to those who have miscarried, suffered a stillbirth, or lost a child in any way.

You don't have to worry about moving with this necklace, as you would with planting a tree, (which I do think is a beautiful idea). This is just a suggestion to you, but I hope you look into it for your sake because I know the warm feeling it gave me, the overwhelming love I felt when I put the necklace on, the connection to my lost baby was there for the world to see.

Many people comment on the little heart with the two baby feet, and it gives me the chance to talk about the baby I lost and how women need support after miscarriage.

As far as your being childless is concerned, please don't lose hope. I am looking into adoption and have been for some time. We never know what life is going to send our way, but when it gets tough and you're knocked down, please don't quit. There IS always hope- we just don't see it sometimes.

I wish you healing, comfort, love and continued strength and support.

Blessings to you,
Ellen

How To Help a Woman After A Miscarriage Article By: Ellen M. DuBois. You may want to print this to help you communicate with those around you who don't know how to offer support and to better understand what you're going through. God Bless.

(I placed more comments in the "read more" section of this posting.)

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Frauke says:
Dear Ellen,
I just had a missed abortion. When the death of my baby (8 weeks) was confirmed with several ultrasounds 5 weeks ago I waited another 3 weeks for the bleeding to start, altogehter I carried my dead child for 8 weeks. 2 weeks ago I went for the D&C. At 11 pm I was given 2 tabletts of Prostaglandine and was told to expect light cramps and light bleedings and to have the D&C the following day. By 1 am I was in severe pain (like labour). The nurse said she could not give me anything for the pain as an injection would lower my blood pressure too much and I had no IV. So I was left in severe pain, temperature and trembling on my own for 6 hours. With the pain I was
going to the toilet every few minutes and then at 7 am I misscaried on the toilet.
All in a sudden, I was taken absolutely by surprise as there was no bleeding before.
I was shocked, exhausted from the painful and sleepless night and - flushed! Only
then I understood what had happened, but it was too late to try to take my baby out.
Still I had the D&C then and the doc did not take more then 2 minutes to talk to me.
I was so left alone and I am angry at he doc and the nurse. Having trouble coping.
Today I went back to the hospital to talk to the doc and tell him how I feel about
what happened and ask him when he has another woman in this situation to make sure she is looked after better then I was (at least to give her a bedpan to urinate so
not to miscarry on the toilet). He was not there, I try again tomorrow, I want him
to know. No my environment expects me to be relieved and be back to normal, but back to normal is still far away for me. I buried an ultrasound picture (as I had nothing
else to bury) with a present and a prayer near my favorite church. I often go there,
pray, talk to my child or just sit there. I feel he/she was given back some dignity
and respect and I have a place were to go and visit her/him. I am grieving and also
trying to love my body again and come to terms with my sexuality. People talk about
a miscarriage as if it was the flu. My body and soul will never forget. It changed
my life, myself and I will never be the same.
I am grateful for any supporting words. Thanks

Ellen says:

Dear Frauke,

I am so sorry for your loss, and for the way you were left alone in the hospital. My heart just sank when I read your words. I just don't understand how you could be left to suffer alone for so long.

It's not a mistake on behalf of the hospital. It's downright cold, as far as I'm concerned.

I know you are in deep pain, yet you want to talk to your doctor to express your feelings and to prevent this deplorable treatment from happening again. You don't want another woman to suffer as you did when you miscarried. I admire your spirit, and your willingness to step forward-to speak up for those who may not.

I pray you heal from the trauma of being in the hospital and miscarrying the way you did-in the bathroom, in pain and alone. I know you'll heal, but I'm sending you very positive and loving energy. I didn't say you'd forget, nor do I expect you to. You'll always love your baby. There will always be a place in your heart for your baby.

Burying the ultrasound picture, oh, just the image of you doing that makes me want to cry. Yet, I understand so much. You had to create your own closure and a special memorial place for your baby. As you said, you wanted to give your baby back some dignity and respect. Because you were treated as if your baby didn't exist you're demonstrating how much your baby DID exist and how much you'll always love your baby. I just ache inside for you & for all women who have lived this, too.
"People talk about a miscarriage as if it was the flu." I wish you weren't right about this. I know in many cases miscarriage is acknowledged for the loss it really is by the medical community and by society. However, in TOO many cases, it's not and is treated just as you said-like you've got to get over something...like the flu.

Just a thought here...My, God. People WANT to get over and rid of the flu...NOT a baby!

To all who are reading Frauke's words (and mine), and don't quite get how much a miscarriage impacts a woman's life, please read her words again, and the words of the others here (at MiscarriageHelp.com). In our collective voice of hundreds we are crying out to those who don't think a miscarriage is a 'big deal.' We are saying, IT IS.

Miscarriage is a very big deal, a big loss, a big shock, causes big grief and big depression, and we should be treated with big respect and compassion. PERIOD.

Frauke, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Just take things a day at a time and allow yourself to grieve, feel, and heal. It's not an easy road. We all know that. But, we are here for you. This door is open no matter what the hour-for any woman who has miscarried and needs a place where people understand her. MiscarriageHelp.com is also here for family members who need a better understanding of what a woman goes through when she miscarries, or have their own feelings they need to express.
Blessings to you,
Ellen

Contact Ellen: Ellen@MiscarriageHelp.com

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"Miscarriage Finally Gets The Media Attention It Deserves" Please click here for this story.

"A Letter to My Son, Miscarriage Poems & Songs by Ellen" Please click here" link for my letter & poems.

Hello Everyone,
May today find you doing well...or better than yesterday. My wish is for you to find comfort, healing, validation of your loss, and HOPE.

I am thankful MiscarriageHelp.com has become a safe place for you to share your feelings after the heartbreak of miscarriage. There are so many emotions we feel- first and foremost- GRIEF.

But, what becomes of us as we are so often left standing alone on what feels like an island- the water around us composed of tears?

What happens when it feels nobody understands our pain and we feel like we're going out of our minds?

Well, we find places like this, and others, to express our feelings and to read those of women just like us. In doing so, we begin to feel more connected and less alone.

I thank God every day for allowing MiscarriageHelp.com to grow. You have shared your pain. You have discovered we are a sisterhood walking the same path. Some further along than others, but all here to extend our hands to one another.

I have to tell you of some news, and I find it very exciting, full of promise and hope for miscarriage sufferers. If you didn't catch the segment this week on The Today Show about miscarriage, (I missed it and WISH I had a copy), I am here to let you know our cries of "Hear me, please! I've lost a baby not a 'fetus'!" have been heard. In part of a week-long series entitled "I Want A Baby," The Today Show aired a very special and heartbreaking segment on miscarriage and the wake it leaves in its path.

The exposure to our silent grief is a gift. I believe those in the medical community, our families and friends and society in general will come to a much better understanding of how a woman feels after a miscarriage and will treat her with the same respect and dignity as someone who has lost anyone who got to walk this earth. I believe it will finally be realized by many that when a woman miscarries, she loses her baby and all the hopes and dreams that were for her baby. Not everyone will 'get it'- but so many more WILL.

The result: I predict more women will be offered the support tools needed after miscarriage. Whether they take them or not, they will be treated with more compassion. Awareness is KEY, and thanks to The Today Show, that awareness grew, quite literally, in a matter of minutes.

YOU are all worth every bit of time I spend reading your posts, answering them, praying for you, and sometimes crying for you. You are worth it because I know your pain, have walked your road, and want more than anything to help you feel less alone, more understood, and your grief should be validated.

The Today Show helped achieve this in a phenomenal way. I am eternally grateful to them, and I want to provide you with the URL to their blog on miscarriage. You will find, as you have with MiscarriageHelp.com, that we are all one- connected by a thread of loss and pain...and of hope. No matter where we post our feelings- they are as real as our babies were.

Blessings, Comfort and Peace to you all,
Ellen

Here's the URL to the blog on miscarriage on The Today Show site:
AllDay : A personal experience with the painful loss of miscarriage

http://allday.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2007/05/08/184449.aspx

"A Letter to My Son, Miscarriage Poems & Songs by Ellen"
Dear Alex,

It's hard to believe I lost you sixteen-years ago. Around Thanksgiving would have been your sixteenth birthday.

I still think of you all the time and wonder what you'd be like if you were here.

I imagine the color of your hair being a sandy-brown, and your eyes probably brown, too. I don't think you'd be shorter like me. No, I imagine you taller-maybe around six feet. And, I know you'd be smart, talented and loving.

For some reason, it wasn't in God's plan to keep you here on earth. Although I miss you every day, time has forced me to grow and accept God's plan. It took me long time, and eleven years after you left, I wrote a book about the pain I went through after losing you. You probably know that, but I wanted to tell you myself in this letter.

Then, a few years later, I wrote a longer book with the help of some great people.

If it weren't for you, Alex, none of this would have happened. I wouldn't have been able to write a book or help women who have miscarried. Perhaps that's what God intended for me to do with my pain. I don't know, but it's the only thing I can come up with that softens the blow of not having you in my life-at least here on earth.

I feel you around me, and when I touch the necklace I had made in your memory, I swear you are near. It says "Forever In My Heart" and that's where you are and always will be.

Your father is remarried and has children of his own. I don't have any, but my dreams of being a mother are just as real as they were when you spent those short, four-plus months within my womb. I don't know my dreams of motherhood will come true, but I do know that you'll always be a part of me. You'll always be my son.

I know you would have loved your cousins, and would have been right in the middle of them. Your older cousins are 25 and 26, and your younger ones are 5 and 3. Actually, you'd be just like me-I'm the middle of three daughters. I also know your aunts and uncles would have loved watching you grow up.

As hard as it is for me sometimes, I know you are happy in God's kingdom. That's the most important thing to me-your happiness. I know you're living a wonderful life and I can't even begin to imagine how beautiful it is where you are. I believe you've grown and are exactly who God wants you to be- a beautiful, spiritual being. My faith makes me believe you know Nana, Pop, Grammy, David, and so many others-some I've known and loved and some I've never met. They're all in Heaven with you.

Someday, when I go home to the other side, I'll finally get to see you, tell you how much I love you, and give you a great, big hug. Someday, Alex, I'll be able to say I Got To Hold You instead of I Never Held You.
I Love You Very Much,
Mom
(I wrote this letter after a woman at MiscarriageHelp.com was gracious enough to share her own. I felt inspired by her to write to my son, and although my emotions are all over the place, I'm glad I did it.) Blessings to you all, Ellen

You can write your own letter to your baby by clicking here. It will post in the comments section..

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Baby Of Mine, Heavenly Lullaby, Finding Light In The Darkness of Miscarriage

Baby Of Mine

You were only here for a short time.
I never held you, but you're still mine.
My dreams for you reached as high as the stars.
Now you're dancing with them, in heaven afar.
The love I felt for you while in my womb,
is as constant as the omnipresent moon.
I will never forget you. I will always love you.
I will always feel you. I'll forever miss you.
You never rested upon my chest.
I never felt the softness of your baby's breath.
In God's loving arms, you wait for me.
There will come a day when we'll finally be-
Mother and Child, reunited for all time.
I will always love you, Baby Of Mine. By: Ellen M. DuBois

Heavenly Lullaby

I wanted to rock you in my arms,
I wanted to sing to you of the day.
I wanted to hum of the moon and sky,
in this, my heavenly lullaby.

A chair in the corner gently sways.
I dreamed of the moment,
I dreamed of the day.
When you would be cradled, by and by-
and I'd sing to you this lullaby.

I look to the Heaven's and then I start
to sing from my soul, to sing from my heart.
I pray to the angels, asking them to-
carry my lullaby straight to you.

Although you're not with me I know you're mine.
God wanted you with Him, in His world divine.
Just maybe, my baby, you were too good to be here,
so you went to Heaven and now you live there.

Always remember your Mommy down here.
My love overflows like the river of tears-
I cried when you left me- still do by and by.
That's why I sing you Heaven's Lullaby.

I look to the Heaven's and then I start
to sing from my soul, to sing from my heart.
I pray to the angels, asking them to-
carry my lullaby straight to you.

I know you don't want me to cry more tears.
So I'll try to dry them for you, my dear.
I'll keep up my strength, as best as I can.
I'll cling to my faith and believe in His plan.

You'll be in my heart, forever more.
I'll think of you always and then some more.
When you hear me singing, by and by.
My song is for you, Heaven's Lullaby.

I look to the Heaven's and then I start
to sing from my soul, to sing from my heart.
I pray to the angels, asking them to-
carry my lullaby straight to you. By: Ellen M. DuBois

Finding Light In The Darkness of Miscarriage

I never thought I'd see any light
in the darkness weighing upon my shoulders.
Like a cloak I wear it day and night-
my dream-baby, nowhere in sight.

The days all blend into each other.
There are times I fear I'll smother,
in the grief, the pain so deep it stings.
I plead for help, God's offerings.

My tears fall in the quiet times,
when nobody's looking and the
moment is mine.

Where is the light, the newness of day?
Will I always feel this way?
The emptiness grows while
my baby does not.
Is this the toughest that life's got?

To me it certainly feels that way,
as I simply try to get through the day.
Down and down, spiraling I go.
When will it stop?
Does anyone know?

A moment of stillness,
a moment sans tears.
A moment of faith,
instead of fears.

Suddenly a connection,
to what I don't know,
has calmed my breathing
and caused me to grow.

The pain is still there,
but somehow I'm okay.
Is this the promise of
a new day?

Is the the light I've heard about?
Could this be the answers
to the questions I shout?

Where are you, God?
Please help me!
My baby is gone and I no longer can see-
any joy in this world,
it's wrought with pain.
Seems all is lost with nothing to gain.

Yet now, as I sit in silent
contemplation-
thinking of my baby in
the Heavenly station.

I realize I will never know why,
or how, or anything about why
my baby died.

But I know, yes I know,
my baby's on the other side.
And this is the thing I heard
one night-
when I searched in the darkness
and finally found light. By: Ellen M. DuBois

On Mother's Day, My Little One
by Ellen M. DuBois at 3:31 AM, May 13, 2007

On Mother's Day
a moment is spent
in silence-
remembering you, my little one.

On angel's wings
I send my love
to heaven-
to you, my little one.

In the stillness of morning
I feel you near
my heart-
my soul, my little one.

Although you're not here
on the earthly plane
I know-
you're in heaven, my little one.

I swear I hear
a gentle whisper
in my ear-
Happy Mother's Day, from your little one.

And then I know
our love is eternal
a flame-
flickers high, for my little one.

You know my heart,
you know my love,
for you-
Forever, My Little One.

Ellen M. DuBois

Blessings, comfort and love to you all,
Ellen

Read the comments of others and post your own by clicking here.

Contact Ellen: Ellen@MiscarriageHelp.com

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Miscarriage Comments from 2006

Sat, 18 Mar 2006 09:03:47 -0600
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To read the miscarriage comments from 2006, please click HERE. Thank you and God Bless.
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Send an email to Dr. Linda Backman:
LRBackman@aol.com
Dr. Linda Backman

MEET DR. LINDA BACKMAN. I would like you all to meet Dr. Linda Backman, Psychologist, Grief Counselor & Mom whose contributions to I Never Held You carry you through the steps of grief and aid you in better understanding yourself. Click here for more information on Dr. Backman. Dr. Linda Backman: Ed.D., Licensed Psychologist, Grief Counselor, Lecturer and an amazing woman. I owe her many, many thanks and cannot express how much she added to I Never Held You and to this website.

Hello Everyone,

Blessings to you today.

Some of you may know that Dr. Linda Backman, Psychologist and Grief Counselor, wrote the foreword to I Never Held You and several chapters in the beginning of my book. Her contributions to I Never Held You were and are invaluable.

Recently, I discovered she's in a movie called Spirit Space; A Journey Into Your Consciousness. This movie, which encompasses so much about the soul, life after death, Heaven and more, is simply phenominal. That's my opinion, but I was so struck when I watched this movie last night. I just had to share it with you.

Did I think of my son's soul? His spirit? Yes. I thought about him, the boy I miscarried and how I knew he lived on.

Spirit Space; A Journey Into Your Consciousness served to reinforce my belief that my son's life continued, even after he left me. I know it's not the way I wanted it. Of course I wanted more than anything to hold my son, love him, watch him grow. I understand ALL the pain and grief you are going through because of your miscarriage.

I say to any of you who want to know more about and explore your soul, the soul of your baby, ALL of our souls- this movie is amazing and may provide you with tremendous comfort and reassurance.

I realize we all have our different beliefs, and I know in my heart that we all have a right to be just who we are. I don't ever want to say to you there's a right or a wrong 'way to believe'. What I do want to suggest to you is that this incredible, explorative movie, Spirit Space; A Journey Into Your Consciousness, has the potential to bring you more peace, and to really get you thinking about, and feeling hope.

I am proud to have Dr. Linda Backman as part of my book, and am very excited about this stunning, groundbreaking movie she appears in with several others including: Dr. Fred Alan Wolf (What tHe Bleep do wE (k)now?), don Miguel Ruiz (Best Selling Author The Four Agreements), Dr. Edgar Mitchell (Apollo 14 astronaut, author The Way of the Explorer.),
Dr. Linda R. Backman, Ed.D (Author Windows on the Soul), Laurie Monroe (Director The Monroe Institute), Linda Gabriel (Licensed hypnotherapist), F, Holmes �Skip� Atwater (Former Army Intel Remote Viewer, Author (Captain of my Ship, Master of my Soul.

"Spirit space takes us into a realm where other films have left off. We explore our human energy know as soul and follow its path to the unknown."

If you want to visit the website for Spirit Space, please go here http://spiritspacemovie.com/

Blessings, Healing and Light to you-
Ellen

Click here to visit Dr. Linda Backman's Website

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How To Help a Woman After A Miscarriage Article By: Ellen M. DuBois. You may want to print this to help you communicate with those around you who don't know how to offer support and to better understand what you're going through. God Bless.
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"Linda R. Backman, Ed.D., Licensed Psychologist, has been in private practice for more than twenty-five years. Linda's degrees come from the University of Oregon, University of North Carolina, and Northern Arizona University. In addition, Linda has received training in numerous traditional and non-traditional techniques including hypnotherapy, Life Between Lives Spiritual Regression Therapy, past life regression therapy, and shamanic soul retrieval. Linda has made presentations in her local community and national meetings/seminars on numerous issues. Linda has hosted a radio talk show, Healing Perspectives. Guests on this program focused on both traditional and non-traditional healing of the mind, body, and spirit.

Linda's love and passion is to work in concert with the psychospiritual realm assisting individuals and couples on their path. Helping people to move forward in their lives, understanding the connection between our grounded reality and what is not seen, but is spirit-guided, is her greatest goal. Learning the lessons of current life and moving forward can assist each of us as individuals and as a collective. Linda has recently written a variety of Commentaries and the Forward to a new book by Ellen M. Dubois, I Never Held You (DLSIJ Press, forcoming in early 2006). This is a book about miscarriage, healing and recovery."
Click here to read some of Dr. Backman's helpful articles on miscarriage, grief, loss and recovery.
Click here to visit Dr. Linda Backman's Website

First, let me say this is a very difficult time of year for many. We may think that the majority of the world loves the December Holiday Season...but many have suffered loss and find this time of year to be extraordinarily difficult. Having been a Psychologist for 28 years I've heard so many stories of wanting this time of year to pass quickly.

A first suggestion is to not try to ignore your loss. In fact, I would suggest that if you haven't already that you create some obvious place in your home in memory of your child. You don't have to scream to the world what this recognition is for....but you will know. You could have an area set aside with a candle and something that ties to your feelings about your special little one. We can never pretend that we're not feeling the pain of the loss....so honor that special baby in some way.

Also, let me say that grieving is like sweeping a very dirty floor. It takes many times of going over and over your feelings in order to lessen the intensity and acute feeling of the pain of loss. You are not being a "broken record" as you repeat numerous times what you are feeling. I do believe it is essential to keep pouring out your feelings. This is the manner in which the floor becomes more and more clear of debris.

And, you will never forget that special little one. So, if you begin to feel better for short periods of time, this is not an indication that you are forgetting. My second son left the Earth in 1972 and periodically he comes to mind. But, the depth of the pain...believe it or not....will improve.

And, finally, you are not an incapable woman just because you did not carry your baby to term....or the baby did not survive. This is no reflection on you. I certainly thought this for quite a length of time.

If you wish to reach me privately please email or go to my web site. I am more than happy to talk with you.

Blessings of Winter Solstice and the Holiday Season

Hello Everyone,
Sometimes I am amazed how our planet is so slow to change. It will soon be 34 years since my husband and I had our little Adam at 26 weeks. And, as many of you know, Adam lived a few hours and passed into Spirit.

And, even still so many of you write to say that people think you shouldn't talk or have to grieve the loss of a baby, a pregnancy you so wanted and dreamed would bless you with a special child.

I have to say that it is "nonsense" to pretend you have not lost something precious. The most important gift you can give to yourself is to honor and acknowledge the baby who "didn't stay". Please don't let anyone convince you that you should hide your feelings and just go on. This will only slow the process of finding meaning in life once again.

I would be happy to talk with you further. My email address is provided here.

You must honor and bless your own feelings and the reality of your child. Then and only then will you and others come to know that hiding our feelings is not the answer. We must be true to ourselves. And, who knows, that little Soul who was hovering with you as you carried your baby for however long...may choose to return later as your child, grandchild, niece, nephew...or whomever.

Love and Light, Dr. Linda Backman

Contact information for Dr. Backman:
Dr. Linda Backman, Psychologist
www.RavenHeartCenter.com_ (http://www.RavenHeartCenter.com)
_LRBackman@aol.com_ (mailto:LRBackman@aol.com)

Linda R. Backman, Ed.D., Licensed Psychologist, has been in private practice for more than twenty-five years. Linda's degrees come from the University of Oregon, University of North Carolina, and Northern Arizona University. In addition, Linda has received training in numerous traditional and non-traditional techniques including hypnotherapy, Life Between Lives Spiritual Regression Therapy, past life regression therapy, and shamanic soul retrieval. Linda has made presentations in her local community and national meetings/seminars on numerous issues. Linda has hosted a radio talk show, Healing Perspectives. Guests on this program focused on both traditional and non-traditional healing of the mind, body, and spirit.

Linda's love and passion is to work in concert with the psychospiritual realm assisting individuals and couples on their path. Helping people to move forward in their lives, understanding the connection between our grounded reality and what is not seen, but is spirit-guided, is her greatest goal. Learning the lessons of current life and moving forward can assist each of us as individuals and as a collective. Linda has recently written a variety of Commentaries and the Forward to a new book by Ellen M. Dubois, I Never Held You (DLSIJ Press, forcoming in early 2006). This is a book about miscarriage, healing and recovery.

Earl L. Backman, Ph.D.
Earl Backman is an educator, trained mediator, and is skilled in the area of conflict resolution and management. He has held academic and administrative positions at universities in North Carolina and Arizona, following receipt of his Ph.D. in 1971 from the University of Oregon. Most recently he served as University Ombudsman for Northern Arizona University from 1993-1997, successfully mediating a number of conflicts involving university staff, faculty, and students.

Earl has also worked with Linda, his spouse, in making several national presentations on couples therapy, as well as working with couples in her practice. He is an author, a nationally known consultant, and is trained in the application of shamanic practices. In addition to managing business aspects of The Ravenheart Center, Earl consults with businesses and corporations in the field of conflict resolution.

Click here to visit Dr. Linda Backman's Website

Hello Everyone,
Dr. Linda Backman, who graciously contributed to I Never Held You by writing the foreword and several chapters, has responded to a comment made by Frauke. Dr. Backman's words of warmth, professionalism, and wisdom are always appreciated and serve to help both the individual they are addressed to, and in many cases, all of us. Amidst a very busy schedule, she finds time to write to you, the woman who has miscarried- because she cares about you, has lived the pain, and wants to help.

Blessings to you all. Ellen

Beings of Light, Grieving is a Process, Getting Through the Holidays, Coping and Moving Forward Inch by Inch

Beings of Light Dr. Linda Backman, Psychologist. November, 2005

Who are these Beings of Light�these Souls who choose not to stay with us here in body as our children?

What have they come to teach us? And, how can we hear their message? How can we acknowledge their continued presence as a soul in our life?

Having known and lost from bodily existence my own precious child, our second son, I know far too well the strident feelings of excruciating pain.

Whether one week, or one year�.or even the more than thirty-three years having past since the birth and death of tiny, blessed Adam...my feelings of loss remain accessible. Life, in so many ways, has progressed beautifully. Nonetheless, the tear in the fabric of my being remains.

Lessons or learning or seemingly being forced to view life from an alternate perspective seems to be a cruel joke. But, is the human loss of a child a joke without purpose? Would the loftiest wisdom-filled energy we term God or the Tao or Great Spirit supplant a child�s greatly desired life with a Divine request to veer onto a new course? Allow me to suggest the answer is �yes�. Nonetheless, how do we grab hold of the awareness of learning, while we�re in the midst of deep grieving?

The answer which comes to mind in response is Spiritual Perspective and Spiritual Practice. Let�s begin with spiritual perspective. Spiritual can easily be defined as recognizing there is a force greater than each of us which loves, supports, and guides our lives as well as the glorious beauty of nature in our midst. Even during those times of question when we seek to understand from whence the amazing wonder of nature stems the explanation generally ties to a higher realm.

Spiritual Practice defines any activity which allows our awareness to be in communion with the unseen world while our conscious mind remains fully intact. To mention just a few options I�d suggest prayer of any orientation, traditional silent Eastern style meditation, indigenous shamanic journeying via percussion sound, listening to music, or walking/hiking. From a brain wave explanation we�re seeking to shift our brain waves into a more relaxed state. Current research indicates greater physical and emotional health and healing when guided imagery or hypnosis is utilized.

In the midst of painful �gut wrenching� bereavement I must honestly say we often find it difficult to maintain a spiritual perspective. And, even when vacillation occurs between awareness of a higher realm and the depth of misery and emptiness we remain �one leg up� in the process of faith and holding fast to a more optimistic knowing.

Many of us find it useful, if not essential, to augment our ability to hold fast to our individual awareness of the �glass half full, rather than half empty�. While we live in a culture that would suggest we should be �strong� and able to always view life with the belief a better day will soon appear, for each of us at one time or another standing alone is absolutely insufficient. And, frankly, why is this necessary? Is this the old American teaching of strength related to leaving our Mother Country and coming across stormy seas to build a land of freedom?

Rather than denying our palpable need for love and support as we grapple with the painful loss of a child, let�s focus on a myriad of ways to gain Spiritual Perspective and to learn Spiritual Practice. How do we gain the faith, the belief, that there truly is a higher realm�a higher order which affects and impacts our everyday life? Some find organized religion, perhaps of our childhood, serves just this purpose. While others cast aside structured teachings and seek to gain a vantage point labeled spiritual rather than religious. Either approach is perfectly fine as long as you discover what will �fill your cup�.

First, I suggest asking yourself, �Do I either have a connection or wish to have a connection with a religious home, a dogma of faith attached to a specific structure?� If your answer is �yes� then seek the comfort and community of Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism or the like. In most communities you can avail yourself of the support of clergy and individuals who follow such a perspective with regular gathering times.

And, if a spiritual focus without the structure of a labeled organized religious group is your preference there are also numerous options. I might add there are particular churches which seem to span the gap between religion and spirituality such as Unity and the Church of Religious Science. Spirituality ties to any perspective or practice which assists us in recognizing the presence and attachment to an unseen higher order of wisdom. The options here are nearly limitless. Some examples would include nature, music, astrology, shamanism, mysticism, energy medicine, to name but a few.

The bottom line to this discussion is to choose your avenue to access, by any means, a sense of trust in the Universe which will substantiate the belief we are not alone with our traumas. We need to validate the awareness that the world does contain a depth of meaning beyond suffering. And, while life thrusts difficulty into our laps, there is more than a random order to events. In some manner discovering continuity of consciousness, spirit, or soul seems essential.

Finally, how do we definite Spiritual Practice? Again, the options seem boundless such as religious or spiritual community, prayer, exercise, music, yoga, meditation, shamanic journey, or energetic healing, etc. Any activity which allows our conscious mind and our heart to experience the presence of a higher realm would be classified as Spiritual Practice. In addition, regularity of your chosen activity is strongly recommended. The more often we engage in Spiritual Practice the easier we �let go� and shift out of a trauma response and into a place of love and comfort.

When we are in emotional pain often we place ourselves in a category of one and assume no one else does feel, or has ever felt, as deeply lost. I�m here to remind you this is absolutely NOT true. But, loss and grief creates �tunnel vision� where we are completely absorbed in the current darkness. We need perspective, support, and love. While it is difficult to accept a new day will come, if you acknowledge your complicated feelings, the light will shine once again. Many of us have learned this the hard way, by simply taking one day at a time and putting one foot in front of the other.

I will continue to write further about this and related subjects. In the meantime, if you would wish to discuss anything I have shared in this article please do contact me. And, if I do not respond immediately, please know that I will get back to you. Most of the time I�m quite easy to reach by email.

Dr. Linda Backman, Psychologist
Mother of Adam who was born and left the Earth in April, 1972.
LRBackman@aol.com
RavenHeartCenter.com

www.IBLRN.org

Hello Everyone,
Some of you may be saying right about now....oh, thank goodness the Holiday Season is nearly over. I don't have to face those parties, the family and friends who all seem so happy.

We live in a society that teaches us we must look happy ALL of the time. From my perspective this is simply NOT reasonable. We all experience times of painful deep loss in our life. Just four weeks ago I learned of the sudden death of a very dear friend and colleague at the age of 54. When I hung up the phone I knew I needed to get in the car to make it to a hair cut appointment. Should I go and cry or look sad....what would people think? I suggest to each of you that you must be yourself. And, working overtime to hide your feelings will likely delay moving forward. You will also be teachings others that feelings are real if you don't hide. And, grieving is a process. This means that it takes time to trudge and wade through the pain. You may feel like you're losing it at times....and that is perfectly normal although you may feel a bit "crazy"! You are not!

If you feel you need some one on one time to talk with a professional person you are also not going nuts...and this is not a permanent condition. I'm happy to receive emails from anyone directly. LRBackman@aol.com

I wish all of you blessings and trust that life will guide you to sunshine once again.

RavenHeartCenter.com

www.IBLRN.org

Coping and Moving Forward Inch by Inch

Dr. Linda Backman, Psychologist and Mom says:

Hello Everyone,

First, let me say this is a very difficult time of year for many. We may think that the majority of the world loves the December Holiday Season...but many have suffered loss and find this time of year to be extraordinarily difficult. Having been a Psychologist for 28 years I've heard so many stories of wanting this time of year to pass quickly.

A first suggestion is to not try to ignore your loss. In fact, I would suggest that if you haven't already that you create some obvious place in your home in memory of your child. You don't have to scream to the world what this recognition is for....but you will know. You could have an area set aside with a candle and something that ties to your feelings about your special little one. We can never pretend that we're not feeling the pain of the loss....so honor that special baby in some way.

Also, let me say that grieving is like sweeping a very dirty floor. It takes many times of going over and over your feelings in order to lessen the intensity and acute feeling of the pain of loss. You are not being a "broken record" as you repeat numerous times what you are feeling. I do believe it is essential to keep pouring out your feelings. This is the manner in which the floor becomes more and more clear of debris.

And, you will never forget that special little one. So, if you begin to feel better for short periods of time, this is not an indication that you are forgetting. My second son left the Earth in 1972 and periodically he comes to mind. But, the depth of the pain...believe it or not....will improve.

And, finally, you are not an incapable woman just because you did not carry your baby to term....or the baby did not survive. This is no reflection on you. I certainly thought this for quite a length of time.

If you wish to reach me privately please email or go to my web site. I am more than happy to talk with you.

Blessings of Winter Solstice and the Holiday Season

Wednesday, December 21, 2005 23:28:12

Dr. Linda Backman, Psychologist
Mother of Adam who was born and left the Earth in April, 1972.
LRBackman@aol.com
RavenHeartCenter.com

www.IBLRN.org