Miscarriage Help

Comments

1. claire shadbolt says:
   

   hi ive just found this site.All your storeys are just heart breaking. Im surprised i can even write because i just cant hold back the tears!!
   I'd had such a lovely christmas away in a hotel with my husbands family ,we got back on the friday 28th dec. That afternoon i had small amount of pinky blood, and no cramps at all. We rang the doctors etc but basically they said it was a waiting game because bleeding was on/off. Saturday morning i just knew something was not right so we went to a private hospital for a scan just to ease me. Then the most awful words 'we cant find a heartbeat' was said.We was devastated.I'd never seen my husband so upset before. I was 10/half weeks and the doctor said it was smaller so obviously stopped beating few weeks back.
   I'd opted for a D AND C but needed someone else to scan again just to be 100% sure.I was just hoping the lady would say yes there is a heartbeat but deep down i knew.
   She said it was about 9 weeks when it stopped beating.
   I feel so empty and have to fight back the tears constantly.I just think why has this happened?????? and i'll never be able to move on from how im feeling right now.
   I had to stay in hospital over night because i lost quite alot of blood.
   I was out on monday(new years eve) obviously didnt feel like celebrating.
   My heart feels shattered.
   Yes we will try again but i dont know when and then theres the worry of will this happen again??
   We will get through this im sure.
   I know from writing all this that it helps.
   thanks
   
   Wednesday, January 02, 2008 03:00:37

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:02:11

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Claire,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss. I know the new year is starting out very rough. Please hang in there and know we are here for you.
   
   To hear your baby doesn't have a heartbeat is simply tragic. I hated hearing those words. They were like stabs at my heart. I can understand why you wanted another scan. There's always a part of us that clings to the hope. We say, "This can't be true!
   "
   
   Right now, it feels like you can't move on from where you are right now. I felt the same way. Believe me, it took some time before I truly felt like I was progressing and healing after my miscarriage. The thing is, you will feel it, too, in time. Healing isn't easy and I ask you to please be patient and gentle with yourself. You are grieving, and grief doesn't go away overnight. I wish I could make it 'disappear' for you-all the pain and tears. Sadly, it's part of what we go through with loss, and your miscarriage is a very real loss as you know.
   
   Often, writing about your feelings helps you heal. I believe it helped me a great deal when I wrote my book-even though that was not my intention. It was to help others heal. In the process, I could feel old wounds from my own miscarriage beginning to resurface and heal more because they'd not completely healed.
   
   You and your husband will not forget your baby. Healing doesn't mean you need to forget. Many people get the two 'mixed up' and we who have miscarried know you don't forget. Yes, life goes on and eventually the pain is less and less. But, there will always be a place in your heart for your precious baby, and that's okay. However you feel is okay.
   
   I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you all of life's blessings, much healing, and a new year full of dreams coming true.
   
   Please know you can always come back to MiscarriageHelp.com. I'm here for you, and the other women and their families who visit are, too. Together, we help each other heal.
   
   Love and Light to you,
   Ellen
   
   Wednesday, January 02, 2008 10:05:18

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:05:14

   Jenny says:
   

   Hi!
   Im only 21 and still in college and living at home. I was getting ready to move and start a new life at a new college alone, after going through a huge breakup with my boyfriend. On christmas eve I found out I was pregnant. My parents were devestated and begged my to abort. I refused and faught with them through the holidays to new years. My x was happy and there for me all the way. He was willing to be there and marry me and get a place together and everything. A few days later I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant. How I never knew blows my mind, but I got so attatched so fast! We were planning a life together and, although we weren't financially ready and still immature, we were so in love with the baby already. We founf out New Years Day that I miscarried. All my friends and family were so happy. I hate that! Because Im depressed and have given everything I had up to have to baby and was so attatched, but no one cares. They want me to just make decisions about my life now and move on. Its only been one day. I can't stop crying, I just want to get drunk or party to take the pain away. But I know thats irresponsible. I feel suicidal and bitter towards my parents for putting so much pressure on me during the pregnancy. I think the pressure induced the miscarriage. I dont know how to deal with this or how to move on. How to decide what to do with my life. How to forgive my parents and rekindle a relationship with them. I just want to run away and never come back. Be all alone like I feel. Please Help Me! I have no one to go to. My x is too immature and so torn up as it is, he cant help me, let alone himself.
   
   Wednesday, January 02, 2008 17:08:54

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:06:20

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Jenny,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss, and for how alone you feel. To miscarry is painful enough. You're also going through a split with your boyfriend, moving, and your parents aren't giving you the support you need. I don't think they are doing this on purpose, but it still hurts you very deeply.
   
   I've sent your comment over to Dr. Linda Backman, who wrote part of my book. She's wonderful, and I'd like you to hear what she has to say, too.
   
   There's a lot on your plate, and it's only been a short time since your miscarriage. Right now, your emotions are all over the place, which is normal. I hate to think of you in so much pain, and ask you to allow yourself the time and space to grieve.
   
   Right now, the most important thing is you and your health- emotionally, physically and spiritually. Hold on, and believe there are many who care about you and your miscarriage- myself included.
   
   Feeling alone after a miscarriage is extremely sad and painful. I've lived it, and many of the stories on this site tell you others have, too. I want you to know you have every right to feel what you do- no matter how anyone else feels. You miss your child. I know you fell in love with your baby the moment you found out you were pregnant. The same happened to me. When your life changes the path you're on after becoming pregnant, you then make changes to your life to adapt and start on a new path. Well, a miscarriage knocks all your plans away and leaves you grieving and feeling like you've got no direction.
   
   Jenny, your life is very sad right now- you are trying to heal after miscarriage. Please know in your heart you are worth making the journey towards healing and recovery, and we'll all be there for you.
   
   I'll be posting another message to you from Dr. Backman. If you want to come back to vent some more, please do so. You are HEARD here and cared about more than you know.
   
   Hang in there, and God Bless YOU.
   
   Ellen
   
   Thursday, January 03, 2008 09:16:44

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:07:37

   Stacy says:
   

   This has been one of the hardest weeks of my year. I found out last year jan that I was going to have my third baby and told everyone two days after on my 33rd birthday that we were having a baby.My husband supprised me with a big birthday dinner with friends and family It was so special to tell everyone that night. Then the worst day of my life came along the day my life changed forever. My baby was no longer with us was one of the hardest day I had to tell everyone that our baby had past and then my two children who are still young themselves 5 and 8 it was so heartbreaking to see my 8 year old she was so sad and hurt. trying to keep her from not being sad was so hard for me but I did my best. This week is so tough for me my 34th birthday is tomorrow and i can't get it out of my mind. I have been seeing a doctor lately because i have been bleeding for two weeks so my hormones are all out of it. The doctor says it might be a cist and i have to go for an sonogram wed to check it. It's like reliving my year all over again. God i hope I can get through this. I can't take much more. Thanks for listening everyone your all very special to me.
   
   Sunday, January 06, 2008 22:31:55

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:08:52

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Stacy,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss. As mentioned in the grieving tips I posted yesterday, anniversaries of any kind can really trigger very strong emotions. I've been there, and my heart goes out to you. It's tough because you're associating your birthday with your miscarriage. I'd do the same thing because it's when everything happened-both the good and the tragic.
   
   Having two small children is a blessing, but it must have been hard because you were grieving. Your eight-year-old sounds like she truly sensed your sadness, and please don't beat up on yourself for that. You did the best you could. Sometimes, we can't help but show our sadness in front of children, although we often try not to. The thing is, your daughter loves you whether you're sad or not, and so does your son.
   
   Now, a year later, you are standing on the edge of another birthday; are reminded so strongly of your miscarriage; and are going to the doctor's because of bleeding. That's a very full place, Stacy, and I am sending you all the prayers and healing energy I can.
   
   Please know that I am with you in thought and spirit, and I am sure you have the compassion and empathy of the others here.
   
   All you can do is your best, and if that means you cry to let out some pain and tension, you go ahead and do it. If it's not a 'good time' to do so, make yourself the promise that you'll allow yourself some time later to cry. You may want to, you may not, but please don't keep it all inside.
   
   A year since your miscarriage may sound like a long time, but as you know, the pain often remains fresh. I certainly can relate to you.
   
   I don't know what your beliefs are, but I do believe your baby is with you always. I know it doesn't take away the pain. Speaking for myself, and it's taken a long time to arrive at this point, I do take comfort in knowing my son will always be my son.
   
   I will always miss him, too.
   
   If there are moments of joy on your birthday, which I pray there are, please embrace them. There is room in your heart for joy, even if you feel it's filled to the brim with sadness. The good helps to balance out the scales and shows you there's still a beautiful side to this life.
   
   Take things slowly. Remember to take in some nice, deep breaths. I wish you healing and pray for your bleeding to stop. I ask God to send you many blessings on your birthday, and for the angels to watch over you and your family.
   
   Love, light and healing to you,
   Ellen
   
   Monday, January 07, 2008 10:40:39

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:09:57

   Jenny says:
   

   I just found out on Jan 3rd, that I miscarried. That day was actually my first OB appt. I was really looking forward to it. After 9 weeks of waiting, yes, I knew I was pregnant, almost right after it happened. I was finally ready to make it official with the first visit to the Dr. Well, a little blood right before I left the house, freaked me out and the Dr. confirmed it. My baby was only the size of what would be a 6 week old. At the 6 wk mark,Christmas Eve, I woke up with hives only on my face. Do you think this was an indication that I had a miscarriage?? Could the hives have been some kind of negative energy? And now that I had a D&C, the hives and any sign of them is gone. Or are hives just something that can happen when you are pregnant. I know that wierd things happen to your body.
   Anyways, I guess what bothers me most of all is the what might have been. What that baby could have been. And I was never prepared for how much I would grieve over this loss.
   I do know that it makes me very happy for the perfect 2 1/2 yr old I already have. My husband is kind of up in the air about if he wants to try again. He said he is bitter, which I guess is a good way to put it. I didnt realize, until we talked today, about how much this loss affected him. But I think I will be disappointed in the future if we never try again. I know it is all so new now, that I am not going to push the issue. Nor am I at all ready for it either. I know he is just looking out for me and doesnt want either of us to have to go thru this again. Thanks for listening to me ramble. Every bit helps.
   
   Monday, January 07, 2008 22:13:06

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:11:55

   Miranda says:
   

   I found this site through a book i was trying to find. I'am 19 years old and have gone through 2 miscarriges. My first was the hardest of all because i was 5 months pregnant and ended up having to deliver her. She was born Dec.28/2006. She was buried 2 days later. Its now been a whole year since shes been taken away from me and yet it still feels as if it happened yesterday. Theres not one day i dont think of her or miss her! Everyday i wonder why she had to be taken away from me, and i still dont have the answer!
   I was 2.5 months pregnant with my second pregnancy, and later found out i had lost this one too. I was told that my uterus is too weak to carry a child, and now i wonder if i'll ever be able to have children. I have my doubts and i'm terrified to try again only because i'm afraid to lose another child. I cannot be put through this again. I really want to have kids, yet i dont think i'm able to!!! Thanks for listening!
   
   Tuesday, January 08, 2008 00:03:46

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:14:23

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Jenny,
   I am so sorry for your loss. Miscarriage leaves you spinning, and I can certainly understand how you feel.
   
   Not being a medical professional, I don't know about your hives. I can say I've gotten them and they are really a mystery to my allergist. What they DO know is the hives I get can certainly be caused by stress. That's just me. You are right when you say weird things happen to your body when you're pregnant.
   
   "Anyways, I guess what bothers me most of all is the what might have been. What that baby could have been. And I was never prepared for how much I would grieve over this loss." Oh, I feel the pain in your heart when I read these words. You just don't know until you live through a miscarriage how deep the love for your baby is, and the pain of losing your baby is. It's something I wish you never had to live, but know that I am here for you, as are those who have shared their stories here.
   
   The grief felt after a miscarriage is like any other grief-the one difference is you never got to see, hold, feel, touch your baby. There are so many what ifs and questions that spin through your mind. I was like that. I wondered what my baby would have looked like, how it would have felt to hold him, watch him sleep...all of it. I know where you are coming from. You are grieving the loss of your little baby and all the hopes and dreams for your baby. You are grieving the reality that you don't know what your baby looked like, and never got to meet your baby outside the womb.
   
   My understanding, thoughts and prayers are with you.
   
   I am so happy you've been blessed with a 2 1/2 year old. Yet, I know your pain is still your pain. Grief happens whether there are others in our lives or not. The thing is, you have your child and husband to help balance the scales a bit. Please take one day at a time and know you are just as entitled to grieve as someone who does not have a child, etc. Like I said, grief is grief. That applies to your husband, too. You realize that now because you talked about it. Talking is SO important. Many couples don't talk about life after miscarriage and what they are feeling. It's certainly much healthier to know how your husband feels, vice-versa. You can better support each other during this time of loss.
   
   I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Come back whenever you want if you feel like letting more of your feelings out. We are always here for you. I am always here for you.
   
   Many blessings, love, light and healing to you,
   Ellen
   
   Tuesday, January 08, 2008 11:57:27

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:15:23

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Nat,
   I am so sorry for your loss. I know you're young, but that doesn't mean you don't feel and grieve just like someone who is older than you.
   
   Being only seventeen, you must feel very alone right now. As you said, there's nobody who will listen to you. Well, know that I am listening to you and care very much about how you feel. I know it's not the same as listening to you face to face, but we are all in this together and are here to help each other.
   
   I don't know if you're in a position to talk to your mother or father...or if they even knew you were pregnant. It's a tricky place to be, and I can understand where you'd feel like there's nowhere to turn.
   
   You're grieving the loss of your baby. You loved your baby and when you miscarried, all the things you dreamed your baby would be vanished. The love you had and still have for your baby did not vanish.
   
   If there is nobody to talk to, and you need some help with your feelings, I'd like to suggest talking to a counselor. If you're in school, maybe there's a good one there. If not, or if you're not comfortable with the counselor at school, you could talk to your doctor and he or she could recommend someone to you. You may need your parents permission because you're under 18. I don't know because I'm not a doctor or a parent. But, I want to toss these things out for you to think about.
   
   Everything you are feeling is real and you have every right to grieve your baby. It's sad that your partner won't talk to you about this, but he probably doesn't know how to handle it. I'm not saying it's right, but I am saying he is also young (I'm assuming), and maybe doesn't have a clue as to what your needs are-support and understanding.
   
   You know, a lack of communication after miscarriage doesn't only happen to young people, either. Talk to a couple in their 20's, 30's, 40's. You'll find, just by reading the stories on this site, that many couples have a very difficult time communicating after a miscarriage. Please know that what you're living happens to many of us, no matter what our age.
   
   I want you to feel like you can come back here anytime to share your feelings. You are cared about very much and you don't have to go this alone.
   
   I hope and pray you do find someone you can share your grief with who will not judge you, but will listen with an open heart and mind. You deserve it, just as any woman who has suffered a miscarriage does.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please take one day at a time and you can only do your best. Let that be good enough for now as you heal.
   
   Blessings, Light and Love to you,
   Ellen
   
   Wednesday, January 09, 2008 11:00:09

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:16:14

   Nikki says:
   

   Hello, I just wanted to share my story incase there's anyone else that is going through something simular. I found out I was pregnant on Nov, 18th and was so excited to see my baby at the ultra sound on Dec 8th. Only to have the DR stop smiling and tell my husband not to finish the paper work.The Dr explained that the sac was empty. Maybe it's too soon he said. Let's do blood work. The numbers weren't rising the way they should've. I went back in for another ultrasound. I was suppose to be 8 weeks at that time. He told me I had a blighted ovum and I needed to make a decision. I waited through Christmas and on the 28th of December I used Misoprostol and in the privacy of my home I induced my own miscarriage. It was the most devastaing thing I've ever had to do. Considering the whole week of Christmas I had a small bit of hope that life will find a way. But it didn't this time. I was brave through the process with the support of my husband. But now I feel so alone and empty. Family have all said "it should be easy for you to get over since you never saw a heart beat." Not to me at least, I believe a life is a life no matter how big or how small. And I wanted that baby. Family have also said "at least you have your daughter" That makes me feel like I'm so ungratefull for having her.Which is so untrue she is my Angel bee and I love her. I just don 't know why people would say that especially family. I feel so isolated at times. One day is good the other bad. The feelings of emptiness and missing being pregnant seems to come in waves and unexpectantly. People are already asking when do we plan to try again. I can't think about that now. I wish they would understand. I wish I could understand too.
   
   Wednesday, January 09, 2008 16:17:12

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:17:47

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Nikki,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss and for what you went through. Yes, you are brave to have gone through your miscarriage at home- knowing it would happen by taking Misoprostol. I know your heart is very heavy with grief, and you're also dealing with the trauma of inducing your miscarriage. My heart goes out to you.
   
   I don't know why people say what they do...it remains a mystery to me. Even family, (they are no exception), don't seem to 'get' what a woman who has miscarried has been through. They try to help with 'comforting words', yet so often their words are like stabs to the heart.
   
   I don't believe any of it is intentional. Miscarriage awareness is extremely important to me because of this very thing. When people are more aware of what goes on inside the heart, soul and mind of a woman who has miscarried, perhaps they will choose their words more carefully. It's not so difficult..."I am so sorry for your loss." If no words can be found, a simple hug or LISTENING would be of tremendous comfort and help.
   
   It's simply called support.
   
   You don't have the answers, and I know that's tough to take. None of us do. I only know if you did have the answers as to why you miscarried, it wouldn't really take any of the pain away. I know that because time afforded me the chance to learn it. Nothing could bring my baby back or make me feel 'better' about losing him. The grief you feel is real, and I know it leaves you feeling empty and isolated.
   
   Of course you are grateful for your precious daughter. She is your little love, and your miscarriage has nothing to do with your daughter. When people imply you should feel grateful for having her, they don't understand that you love her more than anything. She has nothing to do with the baby you lost. It seems people want to point out what you've got in your life to make your miscarriage less significant- or at least lessen the blow.
   
   Well, I am sad to say it doesn't work that way. We all have people in our lives we love. When we suffer a loss such as miscarriage, it doesn't mean we love them any less or are any less grateful for having them in our lives. It means we HURT and are GRIEVING. You have every right to feel those things and more. There's no right or wrong. You're a woman who is grieving the loss of her second child, and there is a lot of healing to do along your path.
   
   I do know it will get easier in time. Right now is not the time, in my opinion, for others to be asking you when you're going to try again. I know I'm repeating myself, but the people who ask you this are not aware of the depths of your grief and how you must heal before moving on. It's very difficult, and if you're comfortable saying, for example, I really need to get through this loss before I can even think about trying again, you should say it. IF it's within your comfort zone.
   
   When I look at how women are treated in general after a miscarriage, I can't help but liken it to this: If you lost your spouse, would people be asking you a week later when you're going to remarry? I don't think so. The same applies when a woman has miscarried.
   Thank you for sharing your heart with us. For any woman who have had to live a similar experience, I am sure your words will make them feel far less alone.
   
   I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please take things one day at a time and know you are always welcome back at MiscarriageHelp.com.
   
   Love, Light, and much Healing to you,
   Ellen
   
   Thursday, January 10, 2008 08:47:38

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:18:48

   Ellen says:
   

   Giovanna says:
   
   Hello to you all,
   
   My husband and I went through a tragic loss on 12/24, I was away in Florida to visit my family for the holidays and told them the news of our pregnancy. Its so difficult for me to understand why these things happen. I was 8 weeks pregnant. The doctors did not see a sac on the ultra sound which probably means I released it on my own. The first time I released a gush of blood I did not stop to think that maybe then I have dropped my baby instead I panicked and flushed the toilet. I always think now..that I should have looked at what came out of me. I came to Florida with a baby growing inside of me and left Florida without one. I have a daughter, and she is my life, and I have people telling me that at least I have her but that doesn't help me because as you said..its not about my daughter its about the baby that I lost. I haven't been sleeping for a few nights. I have been afraid of the dark since I miscarried at 4am Christmas eve and every time I close my eyes I can't stop to think what happened to me. I can't stop crying at night, during the day my daughter keeps me occupied which helps me but when I am alone at night..I just think about our loss and how I am never going to know or hold our baby. Its been two in a half weeks since the tragic loss so its still fresh in my mind and I don't think I will ever get used to the fact that I lost my baby who I will never get a chance to meet. I just wish I could do something in their remembrance. Thank goodness I found this website. I feel it will help me grieve through this rough time. God bless all of you.
   
   Thursday, January 10, 2008 23:46:02
   
   Gio says:
   
   Its so hard to understand how these things happen but I am giving myself time to heal and grieve. I will always love my unborn child and he or she will never be forgotten. God bless you all for being so strong.
   
   Thursday, January 10, 2008 23:58:22

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:19:05

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Giovanna,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss. To have a miscarriage on Christmas Eve is so heartbreaking. I know it doesn't matter when you miscarry because there's never a 'good time' for one, but being away from home and having a miscarriage during the holidays...it must have been so difficult for you. Your family was around you, thank God. However, you were there to celebrate Christmas and probably felt like doing anything but. I know you had to put on a strong face for your daughter. My heart goes out to you.
   
   It's only been a few weeks since you miscarried, and want to point out that's not a very long time. You are grieving the loss of your precious baby. Please be gentle with yourself and know you are entitled to feel and heal. It's really a one step at a time process...as each day goes by, you'll begin to feel stronger. But, it takes a while and it's different for everyone. You do and feel what you must, and I pray you have the support around you that you need.
   
   It sounds like you're reliving a nightmare when you go to bed at night, and I can't speak as a doctor but gently suggest if this continues, please consider talking it out with someone. A grief counselor-whomever you feel comfortable with.
   
   All the wondering about what your baby would have looked like, etc., if he or she stayed on this earth is exactly what I, and I'm sure the women here did. Actually, I still wonder what my baby would have been like-now, as a teenager. You see, although I've healed, I've never forgotten. I don't expect the same of you or anyone else. The days eventually get easier to get through; the tears become less and less; but you don't forget. Your baby left a mark upon your heart and soul and although with you for a short time, changed your life.
   
   Getting used to the fact that you miscarried is something I believe you will heal from. I know it doesn't feel that way now, and that's because you're very deep in the grieving process. Whatever you do, please allow yourself to feel. I am sorry you had to find this site, but am glad you did so you could begin releasing your feelings.
   
   I don't know what your faith is, but I found my faith to be a very helpful in my healing, and still do. Whatever you call God, and there are so many different names, asking for help in healing can give you so much strength. It gave me strength after my miscarriage. I may not have felt it right away, but I did over time and now see how much my faith carried me through one of the darkest times of my life.
   
   If you want to do something in your baby's remembrance, I've read many ideas on this site. I wish I thought of something way back when I miscarried. I was too young and uneducated about miscarriage and the depths of the grief to even think about it. If I knew then what I know now, (I'm sorry for the cliche), I would've found a way to honor my baby's life and memory. It would have given me some closure, and I needed that so much after my miscarriage. I believe many of us do.
   
   Some people have released balloons into the air-flying high into the sky with messages of love written on them to their baby. Some have planted trees, etc., to remember their baby by. I do have a beautiful, simple necklace I wear from MyForeverChild.com. It's a small heart that says Always In My Heart on one side and has baby footprints on the other. Although I got it almost fifteen-years after I miscarried, it is very special to me and it's the first tangible thing I ever got to hold close, touch, and remember my baby by. The love I have for my child never left me, but my necklace is a way of saying to my baby, "You will never be forgotten and this necklace was created for you out of the deepest love possible on earth."
   
   A friend and I plan on releasing balloons as a symbol that we are giving our troubles, heartaches, whatever... over to God. I know just the act alone will strengthen me and my faith. Whatever feels right to you is right FOR you.
   
   Follow your heart.
   
   I, too am glad you have been blessed with a beautiful daughter and know she means the world to you. I hope people get a better understanding through your comment and others that your miscarriage has nothing to do with the love you feel for your daughter. She may even help you on those days when you don't know which end is up-just by smiling at you, or whatever wonderful thing she does. However, the love you feel for your daughter and the loss of THIS baby are two separate things. You are blessed, you know it, and are grieving the loss of your second child-while completely loving and appreciating your first.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I also ask the angels to help you sleep at night by gently easing the painful memory from your mind when you go to bed.
   
   Love, Light and Healing to you,
   Ellen
   
   Friday, January 11, 2008 07:53:47

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:19:23

   Hema Captieux says:
   

   Hi, my name is Hema... I had 3 miscarriages in the last year, the last one on 2nd January 2008.... I am a motivational speaker and the response from most is GOD KNOWS BEST.... words that come from people are reactive... yet life should be active, even in expression... Nature has its unique way in helping mankind, yet we fail to recognize this.... the last miscarriage was physically painful compared to the other two... I have realized from a metaphysical aspect that my emotional being was very tied up in past hurt of early childhood, and I know that because I am so aware of my mind , body and spirit, this was a huge contributory factor to the disharmony within msyelf. Before the miscarriage, I was pre-occupied with stressful work and hardly has any rest, which equates to increased toxicity... My message to all of you out there is that you are entitled to feel the pain, it is howver unfortunate that the people closest to us, who know us the best, do not know how to console us. It took time, but I found that I am my best counsellor.... make your mind quiet and concentrate on your breathing and treat yourself to reflexology or massage, or go to a place that makes you feel good, something that feeds who you are.... helps.... Love and light to all
   
   Tuesday, January 15, 2008 05:55:17

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:20:35

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Hema,
   I am so sorry for your losses. You've certainly walked a difficult path.
   
   I 'feel' very much of what you say, and can relate to your thinking in that I believe disharmony leads to dis-ease within ourselves.
   
   It is very sad and painful when those we love and need the most for support after miscarriage, don't know how to be there for us. Finding a place within ourselves to gain strength is quite consoling.<i> The key is finding the special, Divine strength we all have.</i>
   
   As you said, by making your mind quiet, etc., we are better able to arrive at a place of healing within ourselves. "Helpers" along the way include what you suggested: reflexology, (different pressure points located on the feet that when pressed, heal corresponding parts of the body), massage, and going to a place that simply makes you feel good.
   
   Yes, these suggestions help very much.
   
   I have found guided meditation to be an <i>enormous help </i>in tapping into my own healing power(s). I feel comforted, centered, rejuvenated and know by stilling myself, I come to a place of healing. That place, to me, is one much closer to God and the infinite resources available to all of us to heal by quieting our minds, and getting in touch with our spirituality.
   
   Again, I am so sorry for your losses, and I thank you for sharing your enlightening suggestions, and heartfelt story with us.
   
   Blessings, Love and Light to you,
   Ellen
   
   Tuesday, January 15, 2008 07:32:15

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:21:46

   Ellen says:
   

   Claudia says:
   
   Dear Ellen and everyone here,
   I feel so much like you do. My miscarriage, back in November, has changed my life. I feel very sad most of the time and find myself sinking deeper rather than getting better.
   
   I know the day will come when this terrible pain won't be as bad. I just can't see it right now. I think of my child all of the time, and although my husband and I have tried for the past two months to conceive, we haven't. Maybe it's my body's way of saying I'm not ready yet because I haven't healed from my miscarriage. We didn't even try to get pregnant before- it just happened.
   
   Anyway, I pray for all of you and now that I've found this site, I feel a bit better knowing I'm not as alone as I thought. Ellen, thank you, and I look forward to your book.
   
   Wednesday, January 16, 2008 11:34:03

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:21:59

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Claudia,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and pray you find some comfort and healing in your life beginning now.
   
   I know life changes after miscarriage. It almost feels like someone put a wet blanket over you and you walk around with this heavy weight on your shoulders.
   
   I know it's only been a few months since you miscarried, and that's not a very long time. You mentioned feeling like you're going deeper into feelings of sadness-and not being a doctor I can only offer what I'd say to a friend or anyone here-please talk to someone about your feelings if you find they're getting worse. Even if they're staying the same, you may need just a little help to pull you out of the darkness. There's no shame in talking things out with someone. It really does help. I wanted to toss the idea your way.
   
   Perhaps you're right about not being ready to get pregnant right now. That's something your doctor could answer. On a psychological level, I can see you're very deep in grief, and that's a scary place to be. In order for healing to take place, allowing your feelings of grief to occur is essential. If you keep them bottled up, they stay inside of you and it takes longer to heal. While I realize none of this is easy, believe me when I say holding it in holds you back. I did it...so I know.
   
   Please remember that healing after miscarriage doesn't mean you'll ever forget your baby or stop loving your child. There will always be a special connection of love between you and your little one, who crossed over before you even got to hold your baby.
   
   You know, I titled my book I Never Held You because of what I just said, (above). When you lose your baby to miscarriage, your arms do ache to hold the child you loved while in your womb.
   
   Although I wish you didn't have to find us at MiscarriageHelp.com, I am glad you did. When you read the stories of all the women and their families here, you get a sense of connection-rather than the isolation so many of us feel after miscarriage. No, the pain doesn't just 'go away,' but we are all here together, sharing our hearts and sadness, and leaning on each other for support.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings to you-
   Ellen
   
   Wednesday, January 16, 2008 11:45:57

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:22:12

   Ellen says:
   

   Healing After Miscarriage & Trying To Get Pregnant
   
   Hello Everyone,
   
   I hope you're doing better today. Each day holds within it the opportunity to heal- even if it's just a little bit.
   
   Today's angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue is: "You can ask us to come into your dreams and clear away emotional or physical distress. You may not recall the dream the next morning, but you will know that you were visited."
   
   A comment came in from Claudia. She suffered a miscarriage a few months ago. She's sinking deeper into grief and I hope it's not depression, too. In addition, she and her husband are trying to have another baby. There's a lot going on in her life and perhaps many of you can relate to her feelings of angst.
   
   Blessings to you all,
   Ellen

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:22:24

   Ellen says:
   

   Claudia says:
   
   Dear Ellen and everyone here,
   I feel so much like you do. My miscarriage, back in November, has changed my life. I feel very sad most of the time and find myself sinking deeper rather than getting better.
   
   I know the day will come when this terrible pain won't be as bad. I just can't see it right now. I think of my child all of the time, and although my husband and I have tried for the past two months to conceive, we haven't. Maybe it's my body's way of saying I'm not ready yet because I haven't healed from my miscarriage. We didn't even try to get pregnant before- it just happened.
   
   Anyway, I pray for all of you and now that I've found this site, I feel a bit better knowing I'm not as alone as I thought. Ellen, thank you, and I look forward to your book.
   
   Wednesday, January 16, 2008 11:34:03
   
   Friday, January 18, 2008 10:47:37

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:22:45

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Claudia,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and pray you find some comfort and healing in your life beginning now.
   
   I know life changes after miscarriage. It almost feels like someone put a wet blanket over you and you walk around with this heavy weight on your shoulders.
   
   I know it's only been a few months since you miscarried, and that's not a very long time. You mentioned feeling like you're going deeper into feelings of sadness-and not being a doctor I can only offer what I'd say to a friend or anyone here-please talk to someone about your feelings if you find they're getting worse. Even if they're staying the same, you may need just a little help to pull you out of the darkness. There's no shame in talking things out with someone. It really does help. I wanted to toss the idea your way.
   
   Perhaps you're right about not being ready to get pregnant right now. That's something your doctor could answer. On a psychological level, I can see you're very deep in grief, and that's a scary place to be. In order for healing to take place, allowing your feelings of grief to occur is essential. If you keep them bottled up, they stay inside of you and it takes longer to heal. While I realize none of this is easy, believe me when I say holding it in holds you back. I did it...so I know.
   
   Please remember that healing after miscarriage doesn't mean you'll ever forget your baby or stop loving your child. There will always be a special connection of love between you and your little one, who crossed over before you even got to hold your baby.
   
   You know, I titled my book I Never Held You because of what I just said, (above). When you lose your baby to miscarriage, your arms do ache to hold the child you loved while in your womb.
   
   Although I wish you didn't have to find us at MiscarriageHelp.com, I am glad you did. When you read the stories of all the women and their families here, you get a sense of connection-rather than the isolation so many of us feel after miscarriage. No, the pain doesn't just 'go away,' but we are all here together, sharing our hearts and sadness, and leaning on each other for support.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings to you-
   Ellen
   
   Friday, January 18, 2008 10:48:05

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:23:02

   Gretchen says:
   

   One week ago, I found out that I had miscarried my first child. I had been bleeding just before New Year's, but an ultrasound showed a normal fetus with a healthy, strong heartbeat. I was overjoyed, and finally let myself get excited about being a mother. A week later, I went in for a follow-up ultrasound that showed there was no heartbeat. My baby died shortly after I saw it in the ultrasound.
   
   I look back at that week and it brings tears to my eyes. I told my family, including my grandparents, who cried with joy knowing that they would see their great-grandchild. When the radiologist told me, I felt my world collapse. Not only was my heart broken, but I had devastated everyone around me.
   
   As soon as I saw the pregnancy test and knew I was pregnant, my identity changed. I was no longer just me, I was a mother. My vision of the future changed completely. Now I feel empty. I realize that I am no different than I was before, but I can't shake the feeling that a part of me is missing.
   
   My husband's first reaction was to suggest that we try again. I'm not so sure. Before we got pregnant, I wanted a baby more than anything. When I was pregnant, my whole being ached to have the baby and be a mother. Now, I have no idea what to look forward to. While my doctor said there is no reason to believe this will happen again, I'm so frightened. What if it does? Will I survive emotionally?
   
   My thoughts and prayers go out to every woman who visits this site. My heart aches for each of you, and my prayers are with you.
   
   Friday, January 18, 2008 15:40:15

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:24:12

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Gretchen,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss. It's only been a week. I know the pain is very raw.
   
   You went from the joy of telling your family about your pregnancy, to the deepest sadness when you told them about losing your baby. I know that feeling well, along with the confusion about what to do, feeling like part of you is missing, and the fear of trying again.
   
   Yes, you are the same person you were before you got pregnant, but you've also changed. You can't help but change when something like miscarriage happens to you. It's as if your whole perspective is altered. Motherhood becomes something you actually think about and question whether or not it is possible. The love you had, and still have, for your baby left a stamp upon your heart.
   
   Right now, you are grieving, and sadly must go through it in order to begin to heal. Slowly, you'll feel more and more like your 'old self' again, with some emotional wounds that weren't there before. Like any wound, they will heal and turn into faint scars-forever there but not open.
   
   Please be very easy on yourself and remember you have every right to grieve, feel, and ultimately heal. The time is different for all of us, and there really isn't any right or wrong when it comes to your grief. The only thing I can say is that although I wish this never happened to you, I am glad you found this site and were able to share your feelings. I know it's not easy to do, but it's more difficult to hold them inside.
   
   Thank you for extending your thoughts and prayers to all the people here, and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, too.
   
   One day at a time, Gretchen. Please believe you will heal, (you're not expected to forget your little along your journey), and I pray your fears about trying again are eased if not gone, in time.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings to you and your family,
   
   Ellen
   
   Saturday, January 19, 2008 06:20:05

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:25:22

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   I just wanted to thank you for posting Mandy's story. I relate to her completely.
   
   I miscarried two years ago and I was deeply grieving. Because I have two children, (at the time they were 5 and 3), I was told things like, "At least you've got the two kids," and "You really should be strong and get over this for your children. It wasn't meant to be. There was probably something wrong with the baby."
   
   I nearly died when I heard these words from the people I loved and counted on the most! They clearly couldn't see what I was living, and that I was grieving the loss of a CHILD.
   
   Mandy, know that you're not alone and my heart goes out to you and others who have had to live this.
   
   Thank you for this site and for listening to me.
   
   God Bless all of the women here.
   
   Sunday, January 27, 2008 11:24:16

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:25:43

   Tabitha says:
   

   hi i had a miscarriage i didnt know i was pregnant me and my husband has been trying for a year and i just couldnt get pregnant i am going to a fertility clinic and got some hope that i can one day have a child it just kills me that i have lost that chance and i know there is always nexttime but it hurts so much i havent had my moms help with this its been my bestfriend and some family but i am really tore up with my mom not being here for me my dad even told me to get over the miscarriage and that i brang this on myself i am having a rough time dealing with this my doctor put me on this medicine provera to make me start my period and now i finally started i cant stop i am conerned i will be told that i have to much problems to try again
   
   Wednesday, January 30, 2008 13:22:45

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:26:51

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Tabitha,
   I am so sorry for your loss. It seems like you've been on a very emotional ride between fertility treatments, your miscarriage, and the lack of support from your parents.
   
   One thing I want to emphasize here: You did NOT bring your miscarriage on yourself! I don't think your father meant to be mean when he said this, although I wonder what he was thinking. I'm not picking on your father... but WORDS HURT and his are no exception. To say you brought your miscarriage on yourself is the same thing as saying you're to blame. NOT TRUE. Please believe that and hold tight to that belief.
   
   You need time to heal, time to grieve and find out what's happening from your doctor in terms of your period, etc. That's a LOT to handle, and if you need to talk to someone about it, come back to us at MiscarriageHelp.com, or maybe talk to your doc., your fertility doc., or get a referral to a counselor of some sort. There's no shame in getting some help. You're hurting and I pray for your hurts to be healing and for you to find comfort.
   
   I don't blame you for feeling very torn up about your mother not being there at this time. You need her very much, and she, for some reason, has decided not to be present for you emotionally. You can't control what your mother does or doesn't do, so please find comfort with those you can- like your best friend and like I mentioned before, maybe a counselor or a support group.
   
   I imagine your hormones are all over the place right now, and you're dealing with the loss of your baby and possibly not being able to conceive, (that part remains to be seen, but it's scary).
   
   What you can do is remember to be VERY kind to yourself by allowing yourself to feel. Please try your best to let those who have let you down emotionally NOT be the center of your feelings. I don't want to see you getting hurt over and over again by thinking about those you love not offering their support.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need to come back here to let some feelings out, you're always welcome. Never feel like you can't talk here. Everyone knows the pain you're living and I, along with the others here, will support you always.
   
   God Bless,
   Ellen
   
   Thursday, January 31, 2008 10:47:20

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:27:55

   Brenna says:
   

   I found out I was pregnant on New Years Eve and was so thrilled with the news! I remember new years day going to Barnes and Noble and buying every baby book I could get my hands on! I read in the first book that 15-20% of all pregnancys end in miscarraige. I was shocked, I had no idea the figures were that high, I had never even thought of the possability. But I was reassured as I am young and healthy that the probability of me miscarrying was low.
   At 9.5 weeks we went to our first OB/GYN appointment and we were so exicited to hear the heartbeat!! I had been experiencing some minor bleeding off and on for the past week or so, noth major, not even enough for me to wear a pad and I had no cramping...so I thought that it was just my uterus expanding and was normal.
   When we went for the US the doctor told me that we had lost the baby and that the sac was still in tact but abnormal! I remember my world stopped at the news...there I was laying on the bed waiting for a heartbeat only to hear that my baby was gone!!
   I was in shock for the rest of the day and had to make the sad phone calls to the people that I had told.
   
   I can say that all I feel now is numb to the idea...once I think about what could have been I begin to tear up. I hope to become pregnant again soon, and lets pray that the next one is healthy.
   
   Thursday, January 31, 2008 15:48:46

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:29:12

   Jessica says:
   

   I'm currently experiencing my second miscarriage. My first one happened right before Christmas. We had been so excited after trying to get pregnant for 6 months, that we told everyone we knew, including my 6yr old son. It was so difficult to tell everyone what had happened. It was a very early miscarriage- I was only about 5 weeks. I was stunned, I had never thought that I might have to deal with that. I never had a normal cycle between pregnancies, we didn't think we'd get pregnant again so quickly, so we didn't bother trying to prevent it. Now, of course I wish we had. Going through this is hard enough, but going through it twice in such a short period of time is horrible. I can't help but worry that something is wrong with me. I have an appointment with the doctor today, so hopefully she can set my mind at ease a little. Meanwhile, all I can think about is these 2 babies that I wanted so badly. What might they have been like? Who would they have looked like? Why couldn't I keep them?
   How can I look forward to trying to get pregnant again, when I know it will be a terrifying experience?
   
   Thursday, February 07, 2008 07:48:15

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:30:08

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Jessica,
   I am so sorry for both of your losses. Having two miscarriages so close together must be extremely difficult on you emotionally, physically and spiritually.
   
   Going to your doctor will hopefully set your mind at ease a bit. I can't say why your miscarriages happened-and even if I could, I know it wouldn't take away from the pain you're living now.
   
   Thinking about the two babies you lost to miscarriage is something I would do, too. Even today, I think about the son I lost, and wonder what he'd be like. Just like you. It's so painful, and most of us tend to try and figure out why, or wonder if there's anything wrong with us.
   
   Right now, please give yourself the time you need to grieve your babies. Perhaps you could give your babies a memorial service like some of the women here have done. Some have taken balloons and released them, watching them fly high like spirits into the air. I never did anything like that, and wish I had. It would have given me some closure. If you feel it's right for you it would be good to follow your heart. Either way, there is no right or wrong.
   
   One day at a time is all we have, and that's how we have to take things. Please be gentle to yourself and realize you are grieving your babies. You're going to have days that are very difficult, and some will be easier to get through. Grief is never easy, but allowing yourself to grieve is so important to moving on. Moving on does not mean forgetting your little ones. It simply means you're able to go on with your life after miscarriage(s), and the pain isn't nearly as close to the surface as it is right now.
   
   I pray your fears about getting pregnant again are lessened after your visit to the doctor. I know it's not easy to even think about being pregnant right now-many of us would be afraid, too. But, over time you will heal. As you heal, your fears will diminish. I don't know if they will disappear-as I think many of us have some fears about pregnancy regardless of whether we've miscarried or not. But, I don't want to see your fears ruling your life. That's what I mean when I say they'll diminish as you heal.
   
   Please take care of yourself and know you're in my thoughts and prayers. I am glad you found us and shared your heart. You are cared about more than you know.
   
   Blessings, Light and Healing to you,
   Ellen
   
   Thursday, February 07, 2008 12:22:10

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:32:36

   Ashley says:
   

   My husband and I have been trying for years and years to finally conceive a precious little bundle of joy. Finally after a very traumatic end to 2007 we received some reassuring news on 01/07/08 that we were finally expecting!!!! I could not believe it, it seemed so surreal that it was finally happening for us. Us who have always been dealt a crappy hand, us who have dreamed and imagined what our own little baby would be like was finally gonna have the chance to find out!
   For the previous year I was being treated for PCOS and my cycles had finally become regular, I had conceived somewhere around December 22nd. My first ultrasound was completed on 1/23 and I saw the most perfect little figure, with a perfect beating heart! It really seemed like my dream, our dream was finally coming true and NO ONE could take that away from us. My Dr told me that the heart rate at 94 seemed a little low for being 6w4d, I was to return for a repeat scan in a week. I returned about two weeks later because of scheduling conflicts with the office only to be told that no heartbeat could be found. Laying on that table listening to the tech and Dr say that my sweet little baby had died, absolutely crushed me world, crushed my husbands world. These past two months my husband has been the happiest he ever has been and now that was being ripped away.
   I have to go back in for a repeat scan (they are seriously making me sit through ANOTHER heartbreaking ultrasound to see my dead baby, how heartless can people be?) Then deciding what way I want to continue with the Miscarriage.
   I finally thought that this was going to be our time to shine, it was our little baby that was unjustly taken away from us.
   I am scarred to death of a D&C, of taking the medication and even just letting nature take its course. I am scarred to death of even thinking about becoming pregnant again, the thought of sex just repulses me, if sex can cause this much damage, what is the point?
   Friends and Family approach me and just apologize and say they have no idea what to say to us. There is nothing anyone can say to make this ok or hurt any less, there is nothing.
   
   Thursday, February 07, 2008 15:00:37

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:33:55

   Charlotte says:
   

   Hi Everyone,
   I had a miscarriage on the 28th of January while we were on holiday. I was nearly 10 weeks pregnant at the time. It would have been my first baby.
   
   When I first started bleeding I wasn't too worried, I hoped that it was just my uterus expanding. But when the bleeding got worse and the cramps started it felt like my hopes had just come crashing down. I went to the hospital where I was examined and told that I was having a miscarriage. There was nothing anyone could do. The next day I had the miscarriage. I wish I could have seen my little one, but I didn't. I had a scan the next day which confirmed that I had lost the baby.
   
   The grief was terrible. I cried and cried, but nothing can bring my baby back. Now nearly 2 weeks down the line, I feel numb. I can't explain it. I just feel empty and numb. It feels as though none of this happened. Like I was never pregnant and so never had a miscarriage. But then there are times when I feel unbelievably sad. I can't bare being in the same room as a baby, which is difficult as I have family with babies.
   
   I keep thinking of what could have gone wrong. Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Why? But I will never know and that drives me crazy. I want to try for another baby but I'm too scared. I don't know if I can go through this again.
   
   Thank you for listening. It feels good to express myself.
   
   Friday, February 08, 2008 05:01:35

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:35:09

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Ashley,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and for the agonizing time you're living right now. I know there is nothing anyone can say to make it okay or hurt any less. All I know is my heart aches for you and you're in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   When faced with the same situation, (how to miscarry...God, how awful), I was so afraid of any option. Miscarriage is a nightmare-and to actually choose how you want to "lose" your precious baby from your body is probably one of the worst questions you could be asked.
   
   Personally, I was more afraid to miscarry on my own and opted for the D&C. My doctor also suggested it would be 'easier on me'- if there is such a thing. I can only say to you that I don't think I could have withstood the pain of miscarrying at home. I just don't think I've got the strength. But, we are all different.
   
   I understand you heartache-and I don't think the word heartache even covers what you're feeling.
   
   Friends and family do the best they can...and sometimes their words are of some comfort while at other times their words sting. Often, people just don't know what to say or how to act around a woman who has miscarried, (and her family).
   
   Being afraid of becoming pregnant again is understandable. Of course you wouldn't ever want to live through this pain again. I'd guess the thought of being intimate with your husband is a combination of grief and fear. You are grieving your lost baby, and that alone makes us tend to withdraw on many levels. Being intimate, or having sex can get us pregnant, so of course you're afraid to be close. Just know that although time seems to be dragging on, you are in fact healing. I know it doesn't feel like it, but slowly, you are healing. Grief is a part of healing, and I believe that's where you're at right now. Oh, it hurts so much and again, I'm sorry.
   
   If you find yourself stuck and unable to move from where you are emotionally, physically and spiritually, you may want to find a support group, a grief counselor...someone to share your feelings with and work through them together. I'm not suggesting now is the right time. I just want to throw the idea out to you.
   
   Each day I read comments like yours, and I simply feel torn up. I know the path you're on, and you are right when you say there's nothing I can do or say to make the pain go away. But, please know you are not alone and many people, including myself, are in your corner and thinking of you, praying for you, and sending you healing energy.
   
   Please be easy on yourself and come back to MiscarriageHelp.com whenever you want. The door is never closed here.
   
   Blessings, Love, and Light to you,
   Ellen
   
   Friday, February 08, 2008 13:53:10

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:37:00

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Charlotte,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss, and I know the agony you're feeling in many respects.
   
   Being around babies was torture for me, so I certainly know where you are coming from. Being in the same room with a baby, (and I love babies as I'm sure you do), was too much to take. Being around pregnant women also ate away at me.
   
   Also, I tried to find blame within myself.
   
   Right now, your feelings are all over the place. You're grieving- and with that comes the terrible numbness. You almost feel like it's somebody else's life. Then, you're hit with such deep pain and sadness you can't help but be aware you suffered a miscarriage- and almost can't believe it.
   
   These feelings I know too well, as do so many of the women who have shared their hearts and walked the road. It's a scary place to be, and I can only say that you are supported and cared about by all of us here.
   
   One thing I'd like you to think about is this: If you knew why you had your miscarriage, would it take any of your pain away? That's something I had to struggle with, and finally came to the realization that even if I had all the answers, it wouldn't bring my baby back. It took a while, but I stopped blaming myself. I'd like to gently suggest you try and do the same. It was not your fault. You did nothing wrong. I say this with deep empathy.
   
   As the days go on, you will find yourself slowly coming back from the darkness. Until then, know we are all here for you. Please give yourself the time you need to grieve and heal. It's different for all of us, but please know in your heart there are people who you don't even know, who care about you very, very much.
   
   Sending you Love, Light and Healing prayers,
   Ellen
   
   Friday, February 08, 2008 14:05:39

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:37:12

   Ellen says:
   

   "Where all babies play in Heaven"
   
   Hello Everyone,
   I felt inspired to write this song/poem for you. When something like this happens, I need to just let the words spill out. I hope it brings some comfort and healing to you. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Today's angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue is: "You are supported by the same energy that holds the planets in the sky. If God can support the huge planet Jupiter, He can certainly do the same for you."
   Love and light,
   Ellen
   
   Your pain is so deep,
   and I really want to reach you.
   The tears fall like rain,
   for the one you called your own.
   
   What can I say,
   to help you in this moment?
   What can I do,
   to make you see the sun?
   
   All I can offer is my heart.
   All I can say is that I'm sorry.
   I'm forever by your side,
   through this long and stormy ride.
   Just keep believing as the days pass by...
   That I will never leave your precious side.
   
   Is there anything,
   I can do to help you?
   Can I ease the ache
   within your broken heart?
   
   I hope it helps to know,
   I'm here no matter what.
   I'll carry you,
   when you're not feeling strong.
   
   And, I'll whisper a prayer for you
   to God in all His Glory.
   I'll ask the angels to come to you
   and tell you their sweet story.
   There's a special place in Heaven,
   and it's right next to His Throne.
   Where all babies play in Heaven,
   they're not alone.
   Where all babies play in Heaven,
   they're not alone.
   
   Maybe one day,
   when you're feeling better.
   You'll feel a gentle breeze
   brush across your face.
   
   You'll feel your baby's kiss
   carried by winds of Heaven.
   You'll feel your baby's love
   deep inside your heart.
   
   And, I'll whisper a prayer for you
   to God in all His Glory.
   I'll ask the angels to come to you
   and tell you their sweet story.
   There's a special place in Heaven,
   and it's right next to His Throne.
   Where all babies play in Heaven,
   they're not alone.
   Where all babies play in Heaven,
   they're not alone.
   
   Copyright 2007 Ellen M. DuBois
   
   Thursday, February 14, 2008 11:03:54

   Thursday, August 28, 2008 21:37:26

   Ellen says:
   

   Teresa says:
   
   I just wanted to say that I love the fall as well. There is something about that fresh crisp air and the pretty leaves that feel like such a fresh start.
   
   I have responded in this site a few times as I was dealing with my miscarriage journey. I have some news I have been wanting to share but am hesitant because though it is good news it is not the type of news that is best to share here. But I really appreciate all of the helpful feedback you give everyone, including myself, so I wanted to share the news with you.
   
   The news is that I am 14 weeks pregnant, which is very exciting. Though I will say that a person that has experienced miscarriage can never experience pregnancy in the same way as someone that has not had that experience. You truly lose that innocence that allows a person to experience pregnancy with few fears. I am thrilled to be doing so well, but I admit that what I went through before is always in the back of my mind. My focus is to remain calm, positive, and hopeful, but I admit to many fears and worries. Which I know is normal--how not to worry when you have experienced loss in the past?
   
   Miscarriage puts you in a sisterhood of sorts. You can relate to the pain, grief, and confusion that we all go through. It still breaks my heart to hear of women losing their babies because I know how painful that is. I just always try to remind myself that God is in charge of my journey and that is a good thing.

   Friday, August 29, 2008 12:32:07

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Teresa,
   
   I am so happy for you, and your words are extremely compassionate towards those who have suffered miscarriage. You're so 'right on' when you say that there is some fear lingering, (I'm paraphrasing), even though you're elated about being pregnant. My heart and prayers go out to you for a healthy pregnancy and baby. You have walked the road of miscarriage- know of the deep pain, and now I want you to celebrate the joy of being pregnant with all the positivity in the world.
   
   Yes, it's God's plan- I agree with you there. I also agree that your wonderful attitude about remaining as positive as you can goes a long, long way.
   
   Our sisterhood is just that. We are bound by the journey we have all walked. It's come to the point where I believe we are all reaching out our hands and hearts and walking hand in hand. Some of us are here to lend support and to extend a hand. Others are here because they are still at a point where they need a hand to grab on to.
   
   We are there for each other in a profound way. The sad part is how we got to this point. The positive aspect to our adversity is the outreach we have built...one comment, one hand, at a time.
   
   I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and I thank you for sharing your news.
   
   May God Bless you in all ways! Love, Light to you,
   Ellen

   Friday, August 29, 2008 12:32:15

   Ellen says:
   

   Hello Everyone,
   
   It's already the end of August. Fall is in the air, and, judging from my piano student's new schedules, a busy back to school season has begun.
   I've always loved the fall. Being from New England, it's a time of great beauty-lush, green leaves slowly turn into vibrantly colored specks against the backdrop of the sky. The air gets crisper and the sounds of the high school marching band can be heard in the evening when I'm out with my dog.
   
   Many, however, don't like the fall. I hear so often how people hate what comes quickly after...winter.
   
   I look at the seasons in awe and wonder. The natural change of life-we don't need to do anything and it just happens-fascinates me. It's a cycle that brings with it both joy and sadness, warmth and cold, life, apparent death, and rebirth.
   
   To those of you who have miscarried, my heart goes out to you. I am deeply sorry for your loss. May you, like the seasons, go through the changes you must in order to blossom once again. Healing is not an easy journey. We traverse rocky paths, steep mountains and sometimes feel like we're hanging onto a cliff for dear life.
   
   Your loss will never be dismissed here-nor will the hope for healing. As the trees lose their leaves and 'appear' to have died, they merely are lying dormant, waiting to be reborn.
   
   And so it is with us...
   
   Blessings, Love, and much Healing to you,
   Ellen

   Monday, September 01, 2008 07:16:15

   Krystal says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   
   I really don't know what to say because every time I try to write I cry. I am now. I've miscarried my baby, and just the words are too much for me. I can't believe it's real and want to just wake up from this and have it all be a bad dream.
   
   I can't, and don't know how to cope with any of this. I'm very afraid of sinking into a depression because I've suffered from it before and know I have a weakness there.
   
   To all those here, God, I am sorry you have lived through this. I thought I knew pain before, but this is deeper than any I've ever felt.
   
   It's only been two weeks. Two weeks of staying home, lying on the couch, crying. I don't want to do anything, see anyone. I just want to hide from the world for a while. My husband's been super supportive, but now I'm feeling he's getting nervous that I'll stay like this.
   
   Thanks for listening and I hope all of you get through this okay. I know you will, and me, too. It's just so hard.
   
   Thank you for listening,
   
   Krystal

   Friday, October 10, 2008 08:21:49

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Krystal,
   
   I am so sorry for your pain, your loss and your fear. It's only been two weeks and I know the your wounds are very raw.
   
   Feeling like you're living a bad dream only to discover you're awake is probably one of the most frightening experiences we can go through. I've been there and really know what you're feeling. I remember wanting someone to pinch me, shake me, wake me up. When the reality of being awake hit me and I knew I was living in such pain, it was overwhelming.
   
   In an instant life changed...and that's the very difficult part of life in general. Just one instant can turn your world upsidedown.
   
   Please know you are grieving. You have lost your baby and those tears you're crying need to come out so you CAN heal. Now, getting into a place of depression is something I can't speak of as a professional, but I can tell you I've been there, too. I always say, and believe this to be true- that if you find yourself sinking deeper and deeper into a depression, please get some help. There's nothing wrong with it and it's a lot scarier to remain depressed and fall deeper down that hole than it is to get help from a counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist, etc. Even if you talk to your doctor- that's a step. He or she may recommend you see someone for a bit, just to help you get through this time.
   
   Also, be kind and gentle to yourself. How would you treat your best friend if she just miscarried and was grieving, crying, aching? You'd be kind. You'd listen. You'd offer to just be there. Maybe you'd bring her some soup. You'd tell her how sorry you were for her loss and she'd appreciate that so much. Well, you are your best friend right now, even if you already have one, and you deserve to listen to yourself, let yourself feel and cry. You need time for your wound to heal- and it's really a wound of the soul. After miscarriage it's like part of you left...
   
   I don't know what your beliefs are, but I found my spirituality carried me through some of the rockiest times so long ago. I called on God for help and prayed in my own way. I didn't have support at home, so when I was ready, I became a seeker. I went to bookstores, etc., and tried so hard to find something that spoke to me and my loss. Sadly, there was little, if anything, I could find.
   
   Today is a new day. The Internet is here and we have sites like this one for you to share, vent, say whatever you need to and let some of it out. I am here for you and the women and their families who read your words are here for you, too. We all understand you pain and don't dismiss it. Your grief is not swept under the rug, nor will it ever be.
   
   Things that help balance the scales are: Allowing yourself to feel, grieve and accept you are in a place you don't like, but are in. Knowing you will not stay this way forever and things will get easier is important. Please don't let go of HOPE. It's there, you just may not see it right now. If you are open to it, please try some guided meditations on CD. Get a little, portable CD player and give yourself a few minutes during the day to be swept into a place of calm and healing. If you want to drop me a line, I will tell you some of my favorites. Connect with women who have lived this if you can. Maybe there's a support group around- perhaps at the nearby hospital. Sometimes, they offer a memorial service for babies lost due to many reasons. Usually, it's a once a month gathering in the chapel. Find books that speak to you and your loss. Mine, others, there are quite a few helpful, heartfelt books on miscarriage and how you FEEL. They help you cope and let you know you're not crazy for feeling like you do.
   
   You're not. I know you're hurting and I feel terrible for you- my heart goes out to you and you're in my thoughts and prayers. You are perfectly normal in grieving. If it feels like more- or simply too much, please talk to a professional so you can get through this with a hand to hold on tightly to.
   
   Come back whenever you want. I am always here for you and you are cared about and thought of more than you know. These are not empty words on a screen- they are filled with supportive, loving energy.
   
   Blessings, Healing and Light to you,
   Ellen

   Friday, October 10, 2008 08:22:59

   Laura says:
   

   <FONT FACE=VERDANA SIZE=-2><FONT COLOR="000000"><b>Hi Ellen,
   Slowly but surely the healing continues. Most days are good ones and I feel like i'm moving forward. I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge my mother and sister. This may be a little out of order, but I'll try to keep things straight. First, I found a memorial wall that celebrates and honors the life of your unborn child.
   
   Originally it was made to honor aborted children, but was expanded to include stillborn and miscarried babies. I ordered a plaque that said my baby's name and a personal message to her from me. It is such a quiet and peaceful place to be able to honor my child. The part my sister and mother played was incredible. We had a service for my Isabella Grace. My mom had prepared my favorite poem. My sister had brought my favorite children's book to read to her. Finally the woman that did the service had an amazing poem about losing and honoring a lost child. That service allowed me closure, healing, and an amazing peace. I coundn't have asked for more. Oh I have to backtrack. My sister went out with me to find a pink dress. I wanted a perfect "girlie" dress to wear. When my sister arrived to pick me up she had a leather box. She asked me to open it. Inside was the most precious baby booties, mittens, a headband (because girl's in our family don't grow hair very quickly) and finally a bib with a tiny little turtle on it. (I am a turtle collector and have 4 real one's) My sister said put this away for later if you want, but I wanted you to have something to hold if you wanted to. I can't ever say words strong enough to tell you how much that gesture meant to me. Finally to top it off. My sister just returned from vegas for vacation. No big deal right...She found a vendor that makes necklaces. I'll try my best to describe it, but the bottom is an angel. Above the angel is a little glass vial with pink water. Inside that vial is a single grain of rice with the words Isabella Grace written on one side and a rose drawn on the other. My sister actually watched a woman write on that tiny grain of rice. It's the most amazing gift. Now I can wear my Bella close to my heart whenever I want. I just wanted to say that without my sister I don't know if I would have survived this. She is absolutely an amazing person and her compassion has gone so far beyond anything I could have ever hoped for. Thank you Theresa!!! You are my sister, my best friend, and above all my hero!! I love you
   
   ps now my sister is planting a tree in her backyard in honor or my child. :) Theresa if I forgot anything, please know it didn't mean any less to me.

   Friday, October 10, 2008 08:31:53

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Laura,
   
   Your words have brought tears to my eyes. As I read your amazing story of healing, love and support, I felt a warmth in my heart. Actually, my entire being.
   
   I know it's a day by day process, but the ceremony you had for your Bella sounds so incredibly beautiful. Your sister is now a hero of mine, too, if you don't mind. Theresa, (that's my mother's middle name by the way), you are a wonderful, beautiful sister with a heart as big as the moon and stars. I am blessed to have two sisters very much like you.
   
   Laura, I do hope your story of honoring your beloved baby Bella touches those who read this post. I pray it inspires others to honor the lives of their babies. Although their stay with us was far too brief, they touched our lives in the most deep and profound way. When we hold some kind of memorial for them, wear a special piece of jewelry, have their names placed on a wall, plaque, etc., we are saying to them and to all who have lost babies to miscarriage: "You mattered and I will love you for an eternity. My life has been forever changed and touched by you and I will not forget you. I'll go on, but you'll always be a part of me and of the Heavens. You have taught me so much in such a short time, and I will be there for others who suffer this kind of pain and will make sure any woman, anybody, who lives this is treated with the respect and compassion they deserve."
   
   <i>Our babies taught us so much: How to love, to heal, and how to support others. Most importantly, they taught us that love cannot die. It is eternal.</i>
   
   Blessings to you as you continue down your road to healing and recovery. I am so grateful you shared your beautiful, yet bittersweet story with me- with all of us.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings,
   
   Ellen

   Friday, October 10, 2008 08:33:37

   Nicole says:
   

   On Friday morning I woke up with pain in my abdomen and had been spotting since Wednesday. After a few hours of agony my partner took me to the doctor. I told them we'd been trying to get pregnant for a while and hadn't menstruated for about 2 months. She got me to do a urine sample which showed I was pregnant but told me that I was most likely miscarrying or had an ectopic pregnancy. She told me go to hospital and have a scan, which I did. While having the scan I get told I'm most likely miscarrying at the time. I'll never forget the feeling of having something so special and losing it all in one day

   Saturday, October 11, 2008 06:57:23

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Nicole,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss. The pain you've been through both emotionally and physically is difficult to deal with. I know the feeling you're talking about...the one where you're losing something so special in just one day. It's like your whole life gets turned upsidedown in a single, horrible instant.
   
   Grieving after miscarriage, or any loss, is never easy. I want you to know you have every right to grieve and we are all here for you. Your loss is as real as any other, and I know you loved your baby very much. Please go easy on yourself and give yourself the time you need to heal. It's different for all of us. The key is allowing yourself to be who you are, feel what you do, and let it out.
   
   I pray there are supportive people around you. Many times we feel so alone after losing our babies to miscarriage because after a short period of time, people tend to have a 'get on with it' attitude. If you experience this, please try to tell yourself your feelings are real, you have every right to grieve, and anyone who says such a thing simply does not understand your loss.
   
   Please come back if you ever feel the need to vent, share, whatever, with those who can relate to you, and offer their support with all their hearts.
   
   Blessings, Light and Healing to you,
   Ellen

   Saturday, October 11, 2008 09:23:57

   Claire says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   When I was 19, a freshman in college, I fell in love. My boyfriend and I were together for about six months and I got pregnant. I was so afraid, but decided to keep the baby and do my best.
   
   I had a miscarriage at about twelve weeks. That was nearly ten years ago.
   
   I have since married, (not my boyfriend at that time), and have a beautiful baby daughter who is two. But, I still think about the baby I lost and loved so much. I know I was young, the circumstances weren't right, etc., but I don't feel I've ever gotten over him or the lack of support from my boyfriend. (We broke up shortly after I miscarried. All we did was argue).
   
   I know I took a lot of my pain out on him and couldn't feel close to him because of his distance and uncaring attitude.
   
   I bumped into him the other day and it was a complete surprise. He was home visiting family. I happened to be by myself, ( my husband was with my daughter). After we greeted each other and caught up on life, etc., he said how sorry he was for the way he treated me back then. He admitted he was afraid, wasn't ready for a baby and just didn't know how to give me the support I needed.
   
   I guess it's never too late to say I'm sorry. At least I know he cared about the baby I loved so, so much and about me.
   
   Thanks for listening, and God bless all of you here. Your stories have really touched my heart.
   
   I accepted his apology and we gave each other a friendship kind of hug. He was leaving and I had to get home.
   
   Hearing those words from him, even ten years later, helped me heal.

   Friday, October 17, 2008 07:08:20

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Claire,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain all those years ago. I relate to you with all my heart on many levels.
   
   When you miscarried, you weren't shown the support you needed. Being nineteen, in college, etc., does make it difficult- but no more difficult than if you were 25, married, and suffered a miscarriage. Support is needed for everyone who suffers losing their baby. I know- I am the 25 year old who was married, miscarried, and was shown very little support- if any.
   
   It hurts so much, and the wound is somehow left open- even if just a wee bit. I know because I felt my ex-husband's lack of support many years after we were apart. It still ate at me no matter how many times I tried to release my feelings to God and just let it be.
   
   Like you, my ex said he was sorry many years later. You know what? It was healing. It did help. Having him validate my grief and share his feelings with me was the final stage of my wound healing with him.
   
   I know there are many times in life that we don't have the chance to have a person brought back into our lives, for whatever reason, just to say I'm sorry. If we are lucky enough to have this happen, I look at it as a blessing from God to help us overcome and heal. In my heart, I believe that's what happened to you.
   
   So, you're right on target when you say that an apology, and acknowlegement, helps even if many years have gone by.
   
   Please take this experience as a new chapter in your life opening- less the pain of his lack of support for you all those years ago. I am so happy you were given this gift, and I know your mind, body and spirit all are in a much more peaceful state.
   
   I'd be willing to say he feels better about things, too. About himself and life and growth- all of it.
   
   I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing your heart.
   
   Blessings, Love and Light to you,
   Ellen

   Friday, October 17, 2008 08:42:38

   Ellen says:
   

   Hello Everyone,
   
   Yesterday was a strange, emotional day for me. You'd think after seventeen years I wouldn't burst into tears over my miscarriage. Perhaps you'd think I'd be completely over missing my son and would have stopped thinking about all the 'what ifs' and 'could'a beens'.
   
   Not true. While I've come so far from where I was and, yes, have healed, there is still a special place in my heart for Alex. There always will be.
   
   I was teaching piano students and had quite a break in between. I decided to play the piano and for some reason, the song I wrote right after my D&C for Alex, came to mind.
   
   As I began playing, each note brought with it the pain I felt as if it happened yesterday. It didn't happen immediately, but within 30 seconds. Yet, I felt a special connection to the baby I lost all those years ago, and kept playing until there was a knock on the door.
   
   I'm glad the knock came. I still had one student left and could feel the emotion right at the surface of my being. Had I kept playing, I probably would have cried. Not a good way to greet my next student.
   
   I said good-bye to my friend and co-teacher and shortly after, the other teacher who was there left and finally, my student arrived.
   
   Her lesson went wonderfully. The joy of teaching and seeing her learn, smile, play so well, brought me back to the place I needed to be.
   
   And then, I was alone. I checked the building, turned the lights out, set the alarm, locked the door.
   
   The tears that didn't fall while in the studio began while driving home. They were tears I didn't expect, nor did I hold back. I don't know why my emotions over my miscarriage were so powerful, but they were. I let them go-out of me in the form of tears and asked they be given to God. I also asked for a little help getting home okay.
   
   That I did, and the thing is, I was still crying. I needed something, and didn't know what.
   
   My best friend and I read angel cards to each other every day, (usually over the phone). Unless one of us is away or sick, we don't miss a morning and many times, read each other cards we draw in the evenings, too.
   
   Reaching for one of my angel decks, I prayed for a message from Alex. That's what I needed. All the logic I possessed told me he was fine, in Heaven and lived on with God in a beautiful place. My heart knew it, too. So, why all the tears? Why all the pain? Was it because my period came early and my hormones were running amuck? Was is all the stress I've been living under for a while-was is finally getting to me? What was it?
   
   It didn't matter. What mattered was the love for the child I never knew or held, and my tears. I had to go with it, let it out, feel it, cry it, and...asked the angels for a message from my son.
   
   I shuffled with tears still falling. After drawing a three or four cards, (ones I always get about my life, my path, etc., from my friend or myself), something made me stop shuffling, repeat my question to the angels and cut the deck-something I'd never done before. Just cut the deck and look.
   
   So, I did. Here's what the angel card said: (Or, here, as I believe, is the message the angels gave me from and about my son Alex)-
   
   The name of the angel on the card was <i>Opal</i>- "Your Children on Earth and in Heaven are happy and well cared for by God and the angels."
   
   Reading the rest of the meaning in the booklet accompanying the cards, I thanked God for the beautiful message, and thanked the angels, too. I was so taken back and overcome with emotion. But, my emotions changed from darkness to light, from fear to faith, from sadness to joy. I still felt like I'd been hit by a truck because I'd cried so much, but I was wrapped in the warmth of a comforting, beautiful blanket, much like the prayer shawl I had over my shoulders that my mother made me.
   
   I felt the presence of God, the angels, my son.
   
   So, please don't view your tears, pain and remembering, as a setback. It's been seventeen years since my miscarriage, and look at the shape I was in last night. My tears did not mean I was weak or wasn't healed. They didn't mean anything except for what they were: Tears that needed to come out in order to cleanse me, connect me, and comfort me. Without the tears, I wouldn't have felt compelled to pray to God and to the angels, asking for a message from my son.
   
   And boy, did I get a beautiful one.
   
   Blessings, Love and Light to you all, and I am so sorry for your loss. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers always.
   
   Ellen

   Saturday, October 18, 2008 06:59:27

   Allye says:
   

   Allye Barnett says:
   
   19 months ago I had my tubes tied after two difficult and problem filled pregnancys. My husband and I decided we had two healthy baby boys and we would not temp fate again with all the problems we had. Well, this past weekend I told my husband my period was really weird and I was going to take a pregnancy test. He told me to not waste my money that we new I was not pregnant because of getting my tubes tied. Well I took the test and it lit up really quickly with two lines! I ran in the bedroom and was yelling "it is positive!". My husband was so stunned he could not say a word. we called my dr. and he told us since I had had a little bleeding to go have an ultrasound at the hospital and blood work done to determine my levels. We did and everything seemed normal and they sent us home. We were going to tell our families on easter sunday to totally surprise them. That sunday morning 10 minutes before I we walked out ther door for church I started bleeding heavy. We called the dr. and he told us that could be normal but we would have to wait untill monday morning to see the dr. and have the levels checked again. We are in the middle of building a new house and decided to call the builder and tell him we may need to add an extra room for a nursery. The bleeding stopped but later started back that afternoon along with cramps. I new in my heart what was going on. We went to see my dr. the next day and he checked my levels and they had dropped. It was the most disapointing news we had gotten in a long time. We had gotten in the mind set that it was ment for us to have another baby even after having my tubes tied. We believed it was gods path for us to have three kids and that child was ment to be here for a reason if it was concieved after my tubes were tied. Little did we know the rug would get jerked out from under us so fast. I know I was only 4 to 5 weeks but it has been so very hard to deal with! Everyone thinks that because it was not planned that we should not be upset but it is actually the exact opposite. I go through spells were I am fine then I just break down crying. My husband is being so supportive but I know he is in just as much pain as I am.I feel for so many women that go through this more than once, I don't know how they do it and still hold their head up or get out of the bed every morning. I just keep think that I now have a star in heaven shining down on us all and that my two boys and my husband and I have a little angel with us at all times. I don't know if anyone has ever heard the song by celine dion called fly, it is the most beautiful song I have ever heard that makes me think of my precious angel that is with god now. It is nice to know that all these feelings I am having are normal even though I was not very far into the pregnancy.

   Monday, October 20, 2008 12:15:30

   Sarah says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   Thank you for this site. I've not expressed much of anything since my miscarriage nearly three months ago. I've been walking around in a fog and can't seem to pull myself out of it. This was my first pregnancy, and although I know I can 'try again' as I've been told by so many people, I feel afraid and like I haven't come close to getting past my grief. Reading all of the stories here has been heartbreaking, but I know there is strength in numbers and I do feel comforted knowing we are really not alone in our pain. This is the first site which really spoke to me and gave me some hope that I'll be okay someday.
   Thanks for listening.

   Friday, October 24, 2008 12:27:03

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Sarah,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you didn't have to find this site, but am glad you found some hope here. We all join together and support each other. I believe that's what creates hope, even amidst all the pain.
   
   When you feel lonely and afraid, connecting with people who have walked the same road as you creates an awareness inside that your feelings are shared by many- and you're a woman who is grieving her baby. Your loss is real, and the fear of becoming pregnant again would scare most who have miscarried. Actually, many of the women who have shared here have expressed their fears of having another miscarriage. I know that feeling very well, too.
   
   I know three months sounds like a long time, but it really isn't. There's so much healing that needs to take place after a miscarriage. You loved your baby very much, and to go from joy to heartache in an instant is extremely overwhelming.
   
   You need some time- time to heal, feel, cry, and gain strength. You'll never forget your little baby, but I believe you will come to a point where you'll be able to move forward- and you'll know when you're ready to try again. It's got to come from your heart and only time can offer you the chance you need to get your feet planted on solid ground again.
   
   When people say things like "You can always have another," it hurts. They don't mean to hurt you, but it's like they're dismissing the fact that you're grieving right now. They're not taking into consideration the tremendous loss you've been through- never mind the trauma.
   
   What I can gently suggest is trying to let words like that roll over you. You don't have to share in their opinion. Your feelings are your own, just like your grief is your own. I have so much faith that you'll heal in time, and nobody can tell you when it's right to do something except for you. Trust your heart. Trust your gut feelings. If you feel very stuck, please seek some help. It doesn't mean you're weak or anything of the sort. It merely means you need a bit of support in getting out of the place you're in. Right now, it may be too early because you are still healing. If you're comfortable with it, talk to your doctor and see what he or she has to say.
   
   What I offer you is my support, caring and concern. I know the tears you are crying now will eventually open doors to better things, but for now, they must be shed to make room for those better things.
   
   No, it's not easy. But we are all here for you and I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   And...I know you'll be okay someday.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Friday, October 24, 2008 12:42:01

   Allie says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   I was told that I miss miscarried three weeks ago. I lost my baby at 8weeks but carried it for 11 weeks. It was such a shock to be told that my baby had lost it's heart beat. At first I just wanted to scream and couldn't believe that this could happen. I managed to pull myself together and carry on with daily life but the last few days I have been struggling to cope. Although I have cried I have found it difficult as my husband always tells me to stop. I feel more emotional and have a feeling of such loss and utter despair I can't find the words to describe it. Last night I felt so awful that I destroyed the bedroom to try and get rid of my feelings. I have great anxities about the future not just about trying for another baby but about general life. Just thinking about tomorrow terrifies me. I'm worried as I don't know if these feelings are normal?

   Monday, November 03, 2008 07:18:15

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Allie,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss. The shock of finding out your baby has passed away is beyond description. I know the horrible feelings you had when you found out your baby had no heartbeat.
   
   When your husband tells you to stop crying, he's asking you to stop grieving, which is not possible right now. Your loss is deep, real and very new. Asking you to stop crying, or feeling, is like asking the impossible. He may not understand the depths of your grief, but I wish he could be more compassionate. He is your husband, your partner, the one you should be able to cry around and get comfort from, not judgement. I am not judging your husband, but my ex-husband didn't know how to comfort me and I know how alone I felt because of it.
   
   Your feelings of despair are normal. Destroying the bedroom seems to me an act of pure desparation and frustration. You've got all these emotions stored up inside, and your husband doesn't want you to cry. So, you probably try to stop. What then? Your sadness and pain has nowhere to go because you're holding it in. I am not a professional, so I'm only guessing that 'losing it' in the bedroom was your way of releasing pent up grief and fear. Also, you're hurting over your husband's lack of understanding and support.
   
   I think seeing a grief counselor, or a counselor of any sort, may do you some good. I know it helped me. You need and deserve support, and living in a world where you aren't getting any makes healing much more difficult. Talking to someone who validates your pain- who lets you know your loss was real and your feelings are just as real, helps. If this is something you can do, please try it. If you can't, you may want to talk to your doctor, etc., and find out if there's a way to help you get through this time.
   
   Grieving is never easy. I used to feel like I was going crazy after my miscarriage. Seeing pregnant women, babies, walking near the baby isle in a store-all of it, made me cry.
   
   I wanted my baby back in the worst way, and that's how you feel. It's almost like you're living in a state of disbelief, yet you know it's real.
   
   It's important to let your feelings out- just as you did here. They just eat you up inside if you keep them in. Or, you end up doing what you did in to your bedroom. If you don't release your feeings, which again, are very real and justified, you end up feeling like you could 'pop' at any minute and the anxiety grows.
   
   It's only been three weeks since your miscarriage, and that's not a very long time. Please go easy on yourself and remember to take each moment as it comes. Feel what you must, and please try to believe you have every right in the world to miss your baby- to grieve the loss of your baby. One of the toughest things about miscarriage is that people sometimes don't view it as a real loss. Because your baby was never seen or held, you should somehow be able to 'get over it' sooner. That isn't the truth, and you know this in your heart because you're living it. Again, I am SO sorry and the path you're walking right now is not an easy one.
   
   I am here to help however I can, and those who have come and shared their hearts are here for you, too. We do get what's going on inside of you and are with you every step of the way.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please know you are welcome to come back any time to vent, share, release your feelings.
   
   Blessings, Love and Healing Light to you,
   
   Ellen

   Tuesday, November 04, 2008 05:55:26

   Rosa says:
   

   Ellen -
   
   I have been pregnant 5 times. I have one beautiful boy who is 4 (he is the love and light of my life) and today I found out my fourth angel has gone to heaven. I have experienced 3 miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy. All occuring between my 5th and 8th week of pregnancy. Each time I start out with such hope. I grow to love my babies instantly and imagine my life with them. Each loss brings so much devestation. MY hope gets crushed and another piece of me dies. I want to thank you for your book. There is one quote that keeps me going and keeps me optimistic. I don't have the direct quote in fromt of me but basically one of the women says that her baby was too good for this earth and that is why they were taken to heaven. I keep reminding myself of that. There is very little support out there for women who have miscarried. I am having a hard time and feel that there is no one to turn to. I feel like we all live in secret and people avoid us. My husband has been fabulous but I feel like I need more. why can't people know that I am the mother of 5 and not one? When people ask me how many children I have why can't I say 5? In my heart I am the mother of 5. Each time I ask myself why this happens? This miscarriage was in the same month as my first. It is weird how I felt this pregnancy would be a full circle moment. This baby would be born when my first should have been. It wasn't meant to be. Forgive me for the babbling I am very emotional at the moment and I am sure none of this makes any sense.

   Tuesday, November 04, 2008 13:14:43

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Rosa,
   
   I am so sorry for all of your losses- and you are not babbling. There's so much emotion you need to express, and I am grateful you found this site for your sake.
   
   I believe you are the mother of your four babies in Heaven. I know it's hard for a lot of people to grasp. To those who believe in Heaven and have lost a baby in whatever way- we feel the connectin to our baby and the love never dies. Ever.
   
   You know, my parents lost my brother David when he was eighteen-months old. She was also seven months pregnant with me. When people ask how many children she has, she answers four, even though on this earth there are three- my two sisters and I. I didn't know this until fairly recently, but it makes so much sense. I do believe your babies, my baby, my brother, all of those we have loved and lost have crossed over to Heaven and live in a world that's so, so beautiful.
   
   It's all a matter of what you believe in your heart to be true. It's your truth, and it's not always going to be the same as someone else's. That's okay. It doesn't have to be.
   
   When people ask me if I have any children, I say no- but I often mention that I miscarried a son. It makes me feel more connected to him and makes we acutely aware that he is, and will always be- my son.
   
   A wonderful friend of mine once said that I am my baby's mother and nobody could take that away from me. To be honest, I never looked at it that way until she said it. It's like a light bulb went off in my head and I realized I AM my baby's earth-mother. He lived within my womb for four-plus months and the bond we formed from the start was eternal.
   
   Just like the bond you have with your four babies.
   
   You are not babbling. Your grief is very real and the road you've travelled has been a long one. I am so sorry it's been laden with tears. Your beautiful son is a blessing- I know you know this. However, because we are all unique creations, nobody takes the 'place' of the babies we miscarry. They were unique, too, but didn't come to this earth to stay.
   
   And boy does it hurt- the mothers who are left to grieve their children even though they live on in Heaven. We have to fight back the tears and often feel very isolated in our pain. Again, because nobody saw a baby, it's assumed we can just 'get over it' so quickly. No, no and no.
   
   Feel what you must. Maybe you will consider having a memorial service for your four babies? Releasing balloons in the air and reading a special letter to them may be helpful. I know it gave me some much needed closure and I waited sixteen or so years to do it. I felt like I validated my son's stay with me- and my love for him.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please come back whenever you want or need to. I am always here to listen, and so many others, (mothers and fathers alike), relate to what your feeling.
   
   Love, Light and Healing to you,
   Ellen

   Wednesday, November 05, 2008 07:45:47

   Lilly says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   Thank you for this site and your book. I look forward to reading it as I'm having a very tough time healing after my miscarriage. Even writing the words hurts. I wanted to ask you a favor. I want to hold a memorial service for my little one and have read a lot of your poetry. If you have time, could you write a short poem in memory of my precious baby lost to miscarriage? I don't even know if my baby was a boy or girl, but it doesn't matter. I loved my baby no matter what and want he or she to know and try to get some closure.
   
   God Bless and thank you so much. I'll understand if you don't have the time.

   Wednesday, November 12, 2008 06:22:52

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Lilly,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss, and it's no bother for me to write you a poem. I'm honored and deeply touched that you asked.
   
   I am praying for the right words to come through, and hope they feel right within your heart and soul.
   
   Heavenly Baby, I Will Always Love You
   
   Heavenly baby, I miss you so much.
   Heavenly baby, I miss your sweet touch.
   I never knew the feeling of-
   your soft breathing on my chest.
   My arms never held you-
   my heart can't find rest.
   I know you live on where angels play.
   They watch over and love you, by night and by day.
   I wish it were me, there by your side.
   Watching you grow, beaming with pride.
   Even though you're in Heaven, I want you to know-
   I will always Love you. I will always love you so.
   
   Lilly, I hope this poem creates a feeling of warmth and love in your heart. If it doesn't, I will try again. I wish you all of life's blessings, and hope, faith and much support on your road to healing after miscarriage. I know how much you loved, and still love, your baby.
   
   Love, Light and Healing to you,
   Ellen

   Wednesday, November 12, 2008 06:37:10

   Jennifer Lynn BSC says:
   

   I was very happy to find this site so I could read about others in my situation as well as get out all of the emotions I have been building up.
   I lost my baby on Nov. 19th, 2008. It started with overwhelming cramps that woke me up at 3am and finding bright red blood. I had found out I was pregnant just 2 weeks before and was so happy I screamed and jumped for joy at 11pm that night.
   I have a 19 year old daughter from a previous marriage and a 4 year old with my husband. I have never really used any birth control besides condoms. I hve been with my husband for 15 years, married for 10 of those years. So, when I got pregnant with both of my daughters I know it was in GODS plan and meant to be. I'm not very religous at all, I believe in GOD and am a Christian but don't practice as I should.
   So, when I saw the plus sign on my test a few weeks ago I was over come with love, happiness and also scared and overwhelmed. Finaically, we are not jut struggling like most people but about to lose our house and have one out of three cars that work and even that isn't always the caae. I haven't been able to find a job and my poor husband works 2 full time jobs that don't pay very well just to get throuh day to day living. So, the time wasn't right to have another baby...But, it would all work out, I knew it.
   I went to my Dr. appt and everything was going well. Being 40 I knew I had to go through a few extra tests and they stressed me out a lot. But, from the moment I saw the positive lest (all 12 I took at home) I feel in love with my baby and talked to him and wanted him so much. As did my husband and daughters, as well as the family I told.
   Now that I miscarried I feel like I have failed at the most important job I ever could have. My Dr. says I did nothing wrong it was natures way of saying it wasn't right. Why wasn't it right??? I'm probably not going to get another chance. With all of lifes challenges and stress my husband and I have sex maybe 1 time a month. So, getting pregnant like that was a miracle on its own. And being 40 and 1/2, my time is running out.
   I just don't know how to get out of bed and go on now. I cant look at my family without losing it. I can't watch TV or read anything cuz I'm afraid of a baby being mentioned.
   I dn't know how to be or how to get over this.....Where or when will there be closure?

   Saturday, November 22, 2008 00:17:48

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Jenny Lynn,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss. I understand how you feel, as do those who have shared their hearts here.
   
   Your pain runs very deep, and it sounds like you are grieving the loss of your precious baby, and the possibility of this being your last chance at pregnancy.
   
   Now, I'm not a doctor or anything of the sort. I'm just speaking to you from my heart. Please let me know if I'm off base.
   
   I know your fears because I'm not that much older than you. Combined with your deep and very real grief, you've got a full plate. I'm here to help ease your load a bit if I can. I pray something I, or someone else says, makes you feel far less alone in your struggle.
   
   You are your husband are stressed- I understand. So many are struggling these days. But, you didn't fail or do anything to cause your miscarriage. You didn't do anything wrong. You loved your baby SO much and believed it was God's plan for you to have this baby. Who wouldn't feel that way? I know I would. I'd believe it was a miracle, (being pregnant), and would have acted and felt just like you.
   
   Suddenly, you felt the rug being ripped from under your feet. After losing a baby to miscarriage, or any other reason, it's like the whole world is turned upside down and you wonder if, or when, you'll ever feel normal again. You may question what normal means to you and also question why God would 'let' something like this happen.
   
   I've been there. I know. My belief in God and His plan has always been strong, and much like you, I don't 'practice' my belief in a formal or organized settingmost of the time. But, I believe- just like you, and I know what it feels like to wonder WHY you got pregnant if you weren't going to be able to keep, hold and love the baby you carried with all your heart? It's as if a huge question mark is over your head and yes, it makes it very difficult to get out of bed and go on with your day.
   
   I can't say why you miscarried and don't want to be one of those people who says it was meant to be or wasn't right. Those words do nothing to ease your pain. They don't bring your baby back or support you in your time of need.
   
   What I can say is how sorry I am for your loss and that I don't know why it happened. I can share my heart with you and reflect on those days after my own miscarriage when the world whas viewed through gray colored glasses- not rose. I will tell you I cried until I felt there were no more tears to be shed, only to find myself crying so hard I was bent over in pain. I missed my baby so much, and still do. I wanted nothing more than to hold him, see him, feel him against me and love him forever. Because I couldn't, I know what you're going through and how tough it is to hear a song that triggers tears, or see a commercial that makes me cry. I know how difficult it is to see mothers with babies or pregnant women and feel terrible about myself because of feelings of jealousy and an overall "Why not me?" feeling.

   Saturday, November 22, 2008 05:39:41

   Ellen says:
   

   (To Jenny, Continued)
   
   Jenny, all you can do is take life one moment at a time. Please give yourself the chance to grieve and heal. It's not an easy road, but I am here for you- we all are, to reach out and say to you that you'll be okay, you are normal for feeling like you do, and you are not alone by a long shot.
   
   That doesn't take away your pain- but, hopefully it makes you feel more 'normal' and gives you a better understanding and acceptance of yourself and what you're feeling at this moment. Your wound is still very raw, and everything that triggers your tears is like salt being dumped into it.
   
   Closure is something that came very late for me. It wasn't until many years after my miscarriage that I wrote my first book about my experiences with the pain, self blame, grief, and more. Then, I knew it was time to write out more of my feelings, experiences, etc., and was blessed to have some wonderful women, Dr. Linda Backman in particular, help write about grief in general. It was a healing experience of sorts for me, but I still didn't feel the closure I needed.
   
   So, earlier this year, and it was the women who have written on this site who inspired me, I held a memorial service for my dear Alex. I was with my best friend and I read a letter I wrote to my baby. I prayed and set a balloon free into the air with a message of love to him. As I watched it float up into the skies, past the tree tops until I could no longer see it, I felt an overwhelming sense of love and calm. My son knew I loved him already- but I needed to let him go. I needed to free myself from the chains I'd placed around myself for so many years. He was fine- I was not.
   
   And yes, I cried. I still miss him, think about him- all of the emotions you'd feel with any loss in your life. I don't think that part ever goes away. To expect it to would be asking too much of yourself.
   
   So, maybe there will come a day when you feel you're ready to have some sort of memorial service in honor of your baby. You will know in your heart when it's right- if it's right for you. I can only say how much it helped me and realize we are all different and deal with our grief in different ways.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You are cared for and supported very much.
   
   Blessings, Love and LIght to you and your family,
   
   Ellen

   Saturday, November 22, 2008 05:39:58

   Lauren says:
   

   Dear Ellen
   
   I just want to thank you so much for helping with out with all this pain I have. Being that I am 17 I'm extra alone in all of this. And I'm so so so thankful that you have been here for me. I don't know what I would do without you.
   
   I have been feeling a little lost again. Nights have been extra tough, I always have these really great dreams about the baby. But, when I wake up and realize that they were just dreams, it affects me for the whole day. I've stopped sleeping.
   
   I have heard a lot of people telling me to turn to something spiritual. I'm not sure in what I believe in, especially after everything that I have been through. I don't know if I can believe in anything. But, I still pray everynight. Not for myself, but for the baby. It would make me feel so so so much better if I knew that the baby was in some better place.
   
   Sometimes its hard to breathe. This is all so hard for me. I miss my old life. I hate being so sad all the time.
   
   Once again, thanks for listening.

   Saturday, November 22, 2008 07:50:40

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Lauren,
   
   I am more than willing to be of some help to you, and want you to feel you have a place where you are free to write out your feelings. It does my heart good to be there for you as best I can. I wish there were more I could say to help you through your pain, but you are trying to heal and it's so important to let out your emotions instead of keeping them bottled up.
   
   There's not a cut and dry time limit on your grief after miscarriage, or any other loss. You loved your baby and I don't believe you'll ever stop. But, finding a way to channel your pain and put some balance back into your life would probably help. That's why I believe others are suggesting you turn to your spirituality.
   
   You sound very confused about what your beliefs are, and that's something you're going to have to dig deep within yourself to find. Even at at that, you may wonder what's right for you. Well, I can tell you that without my faith, I don't know how I could have gotten through my own miscarriage, and through all of life in general.
   
   But, you need to feel it in your heart and sometimes, pain clouds our ability to see and feel what's right. When you're viewing the world through sad, depressed eyes, nothing looks or feels
   "right".
   
   I am no spiritual advisor or a professional counselor. What I can suggest is to start by listening to some guided meditation CD's- ones meant to relax your mind and put you in a better place emotionally. I know it's temporary, but the calmness you could feel during a guided meditation is astounding. When you quiet your mind from racing and are able to actually feel some peace within yourself, you're better able to see yourself, your life and your life's purpose more clearly.
   
   I love a particular CD called The Healing Waterfall. It's just so beautiful and you're literally transported into a world of beauty, calm, peace and joy. You set your troubles, worries, concerns, etc., free and are able to just 'be'. It doesn't have anything to do with a particular 'religion', and maybe that's better because you feel so confused about God and what you believe in. I believe when you reach a place of stillness and balance, your heart will guide you to what's meant to be. You will find your path and one day and may find yourself feeling a deeper connection to your spiritual self.
   
   I've always believed when we are out of balance- the mind, body and spirit, our whole lives are out of balance. It's not always easy to get to a place where we feel okay in every area, and guided meditation CD's like the one I mentioned help to restore much needed balance to your life.
   
   I am so sorry for your pain and loss. I know how much you miss your old life, your old self. But, I do believe with all my heart you'll be gently guided to a life that's healed. Sometimes, we need some tools to help get us there. If you ever have any questions about different CD's I listen to to help me get in touch with my soul, please ask. I also listen to CD's that really help me to think more positively. Our thoughts dictate who we are, how we act and feel- even effect our health. I'd be more than willing to share with you some very helpful, positive and healing meditational CD's. It may be a new type of beginning for you, and may lead to a life that's far less painful and open to more joy.
   
   It's a beginning, and just taking little steps towards finding your spirit results in some pretty amazing, and huge, positive changes within you.
   
   I'll always keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Blessings, Love and Light to you,
   Ellen

   Monday, November 24, 2008 05:36:14

   jessica says:
   

   This is really hard for me to write, I've never done anything like this befor, so if im not to good at it and it feels like im blabbing on just bare with me. . .
   
   My names Jessica and im 21 yrs of age. Just this past Thursday i had a misscarrige, i was 11 weeks pregnent and had no idea. I missed my period for a month but then finally got it middle November, I went to the Doctors and they told me it was just due to stress..
   
   The past weekend my friend committed sucicide and he was my boyfriends best friend, then the very next day is when i misscarried.. My boyfriend was still grieving over his best friend and didn't want anything todo with my problem. I was in alot of pain and we had a bad snow storm so i couldn't make it to the hospital, So i just slept on it. I called my boyfriend all night long / nothing/ no answers no texts, zip.) I was devestated, maybe he thought it wasn't seriouse? I dont know. The next morning my mother took me to the hospital and i spent all day and night there. They told me i was pretty far along, far enough that my baby had a heart beat.
   
   My boyfriend was calling me throughout the day but of course i couldn't talk to him in the state i was in. My mother and him spoke briefly over text messaging and he then felt bad and was telling my mother to tell me that he loved me . etc.
   
   If he cared and loved me so much why wasn't he there for me? Why was he being aso selfish for? Im trying to understand all of it but its so hard. Befor this happened we have been having our issues but none the less he should have been there for me. I was sad all day and night and came home late last night from the hospital.. He has called me and im craving to speak to him, but i cant pick up the phone, i dont know what to say, I dont even know where to start. Apart of me is mad but im more sad then anything.. he hates to hear me cry and i dont want to start a fight with him because im not allowed to get stressed out.
   
   My family says he is not the one for me and is confused and messed up, but why do you i still love him even though he wasnt there for me? Am i the crazy one??
   
   I know i need counselling after this because i am very depressed about me loosing this baby and it feels like im loosing him.
   
   Any advice would help.
   Thank you
   
   Jessica.

   Sunday, December 21, 2008 16:03:16

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Jessica,
   I am so sorry for your loss and for the emotional, terrible experiences you're living. You are suffering over losing your baby, the loss of a friend who committed suicide, and a boyfriend who was absent at a time when you needed him most.
   
   (You are not crazy at all. I don't believe anyone involved here is crazy...it's a very sad situation full of grief and pain...)
   
   There are so many things that come to my mind right now, and I want to help comfort you the best I can. Because I'm not a professional counselor, I can only speak to you from my heart and soul. I do think it's a good idea you talk to a counselor to gain some perspective and help you heal.
   
   What I see is your world being turned upside down after you lost your precious baby to miscarriage. You are in pain and rightly so. I also see your boyfriend as being in a great deal of pain because his best friend took his own life. I am deeply saddened to hear that, too.
   
   I can only imagine your boyfriend not being able to give you the support you needed from him because he was a mess himself and grieving, too. I am not making excuses. I am saying there were multiple tragedies going on at the same time. The two of you needed to comfort each other, but were going through the most awful pain. You lost your baby and he lost his best friend.
   
   I don't know how much of each other you had to be able to support one another at such a time. I'm not saying he should have ignored your calls, etc. I am saying I think he didn't know which end was up and couldn't deal with much of anything.
   
   And then there is you- you who stayed in the hospital with your Mother, (she sounds like a supportive mother and I am thankful she was with you). There you were, crying over the loss of your child and probably in shock over everything that was happening. I am SO sorry.
   
   It sounds like your boyfriend is trying to communicate with you. Perhaps he has got his thinking together enough to realize how deep your pain runs and how much a loss you've endured. I don't know that I'd give up on him lending you support if that's what he's trying to do. He is going through his pain right now, but wants to be there for you.
   
   Life throws us some very difficult curve balls sometimes, and when they all come at once, it's overwhelming. I would gently suggest that you see a counselor, and at least think about talking to your boyfriend. There may be so much he wants to say to you, and maybe he's very sad about the loss of your baby- because the baby was his, too.
   
   You are also grieving your friend who took his life. Your plate is VERY full and I feel deeply for you. This time of year makes it all the more painful with Christmas and the New Year being celebrated. I'm sure the last thing you feel like doing is celebrating.
   
   You are not crazy, wrong or anything of the sort for feeling like you do. You have every right to miss the baby you loved- and it doesn't matter that you didn't realize you were pregnant right away. Loss is loss and the pain is very real. So was your baby.
   
   A counselor could help you work through your pain, and maybe your boyfriend needs counseling, too. I don't know if the two of you would agree to go together, or if it's best you each do it on your own. That's something you have to talk about and decide for yourselves. I don't know what's best, I only know you need some help, support, a compassionate person to listen to you and guide you gently down the road to healing and recovery.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, as I will your boyfriend and the family of your friend who took his life. It's all very, very sad and I will be thinking of you often and praying for you more.
   
   Please know you can always come back and vent, share..whatever you are comfortable with. You are always welcome with open arms.
   
   Love, Light and Healing to you,
   
   Ellen

   Sunday, December 21, 2008 16:27:44

   Melody says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   
   I'm having a very tough time with New Year's Eve- all of it. I just lost my baby on December 20th, and the only thing that stands out in my mind is constantly holding back tears throughout the day. I tried so hard to be happy for everyone else and failed miserably. I still cannot believe my baby's gone!
   
   This has been a nightmare and now that everyone will be ringing in the new year, I can't bare the thought. I actually had someone say to me at work that at least I'll be able to sip on champaigne or have as much as I want because I'm not pregnant anymore. I can't believe how insensative people can be and thank God my family is so understanding.
   
   I know I'll get through yet another holiday, but can't wait until they are over so my focus can be on getting through this without all the pressure and the need to act happy. I'm not and felt like I haven't had the chance to grieve.
   
   Thanks for listening.
   
   Melody

   Wednesday, December 31, 2008 06:37:41

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Melody,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss. You must have had such a difficult time losing your baby so close to Christmas...and now the new year is upon us.
   
   You haven't had the chance to grieve, and you need the time and space to do so. I know right now it's a busy time of year full of parties, gatherings and festivities. You don't feel like being anywhere near a party, and who would? You've been through a traumatic loss and it's like the world's saying "Be happy because everyone else is!"
   
   You feel what you do, and that's sadness and grief. You are mourning your baby, the dreams you had for your baby and everything else. A family was started and brought to a very quick, devestating end.
   
   I am grateful your family is so supportive. Whoever the person was as work who mentioned champaigne and being able to drink was insensitive- extrememly so. Whether they meant to be or not is unimportant. Awareness to the blow miscarriage gives us is critical to people watching what they say and offering words of comfort. If they can't do that, they shouldn't say anything because it's bound to hurt any woman who's miscarried. Words sting and people don't often get it.
   
   Please let go of what your coworker said and focus on you. Even with the new year and this being New Year's Eve, focus on you and your healing. That's not selfish. It doesn't mean you can't be around family and friends, but if you need to step aside because you have to be alone, do so. You're not rude or anything of the sort. You need time to breath and get some of the heavy pressure off your shoulders.
   
   I know what it's like to go through the holiday season while grieving, and it's very difficult. For anyone who has experienced any kind of loss, the holidays tend to magnify the pain.
   
   You haven't had the chance to grieve, and you must. Healing starts with feeling, including the tears. Nobody wants to cry and ache, but it would be like asking the impossible to say not to. You hurt and it's real. You deserve the time to heal and after things have calmed down around you, I pray you're able to find the time to begin your journey to healing and recovery.
   
   Miscarriage places our feet upon a path we never thought we'd walk. When we find ourselves upon it, we don't know what to do and often feel very alone. Please know you are not alone in what you're feeling and your loss is validated here. We all understand just how deep your pain runs and why you don't feel much like celebrating.
   
   Time will give you the chance you need and deserve to grieve. If you ever need a place to turn, even on New Year's Eve, I am here for you. The women and men on this site understand what you're living and care very much about you and your suffering.
   
   Take each moment as it comes, and please try not to place high expectations upon yourself. You have the right to feel and my heart goes out to you.
   
   You'll get through tonight, tomorrow, and the tomorrows to come. One at a time, and we'll be here for you every step of the way.
   
   May 2009 bring with it much healing, love, support and then, when your heart is ready, may joy enter your life once again.
   
   I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Love, Light and Healing to you,
   Ellen

   Wednesday, December 31, 2008 06:55:35

   Angela says:
   

   Hi, my name is Angela and I just found this website and it's wonderful though i'm sad to see so many losses. I'm here after my 5th loss, this one hurt the worst for me b/c I was 19 weeks to the date when my water bag suddenly and without warning broke and although my baby girl lived for a while inside me she alas passed away and I delivered her. She was so tiny but so perfect in every way. This just happened on 1/3/09 so it's fresh and raw and I think i'm still in shock at times. I seem to be functioning though I don't know how I am. My husband is terribly heartbroken but he is being my rock. We are having our baby girl cremated and he went and did all the arrangements and talks to our friends/family as I cannot right now. It's too painful so I love him more than words can say and thank god for him. I am 38 years old and don't know how I am going to get through this. I want to try again but am so afraid. I was just starting to relax and enjoy this pregnancy and talk about it and then BAM my world fell apart in a day. How am I ever going to enjoy another pregnancy if I ever get one? Although i've been pregnant before, it took us a while to get there. I'm scared, i'm heartbroken, i'm mad, i'm just .......
   
   Thanks so much for reading and listening, it helped a great deal for me to be able to write out my feelings.

   Tuesday, January 06, 2009 18:22:18

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Angela,
   
   I am so sorry for your losses and I understand why this one hurt the most. You delivered your baby girl and my heart goes out to you, your husband and your family.
   
   You're going through so many emotions right now, and I would be, too. Hurt, pain, grief...and anger. You must be asking yourself..."Why?"
   
   I wish I knew. Life's path can place our feet in places we never expected, nor wanted, to be. Please keep the faith and know we are here for you and God is there for you, or whatever you call a Power greater than yourself. I also understand if you're questioning God right now. I did the same thing and wondered why, so many times. I couldn't get a handle on any of it and wanted to know why God didn't want me to be happy. If you're feeling like I did, please know your feelings are your own and are not wrong. They are your feelings and you've every right to have them, go through them, let them out.
   
   Your wounds are so raw. I wish I were there to give you a hug. Thank God your husband is there for you- even though he's hurting very much, too. It sounds like you are there for each other.
   
   I wish you didn't have to find this site, but am glad you did so you allow some of your feelings out. Healing after a miscarriage, as you know, is a long road as with any other loss. With people around you who understand and don't dismiss your grief, the road is made a little smoother. Everyone here, including myself, realizes just how deep your pain runs, and many relate to your fears of another pregnancy. It's very difficult to want a baby so much, yet fear living through another miscarriage.
   
   I don't know what your doctor has said, but pray you find the answers you need to make your dreams come true.
   
   All I can offer is my heart. All five of your babies were real and I know you loved them with everything you are. There will always be a special place in your heart for each one. You actually saw your little girl this time, delivered her, and have had a service for her. It must have been extrememly difficult to get through. I am SO sorry. Now is the time for you and your husband to heal. I hope you both are able to focus upon healing. Please give yourself the time and space you need to just 'be'.
   
   If you ever need a place to turn where you can just vent, please come back. You are always welcome here and are heard by more than you realize. There are loving, understanding and very compassionate people out there who pray for you, understand you and have walked your road.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Love, Light, and Healing to you,
   
   Ellen

   Wednesday, January 07, 2009 05:30:43

   Maggie says:
   

   I suffered my 2nd miscarriage during the week of Christmas. It had been almost 4 yrs. to the date since our 1st miscarriage - 4 long years of trying to start our family. I went for my 1st OB appointment during my 7th week & the Dr. said everything looked good, but a few days later I started spotting & I knew in my heart that something was not right. My 1st miscarriage happened @ 5 weeks, so I was hopeful b/c I'd already made it further.
   When we went back to the Dr. I could tell that something wasn't right. I could see it in the nurse's face that bad news was coming (our nurse knew how bad I wanted this). My Dr. said my Beta's looked good & had me come back in for another U/S - that's when we found out that our baby would not make it. We were given the option of having a D & C, taking the medicine, or letting it happen naturally. We decided to take the natural route b/c we still had hope that our baby would make it.
   On Sunday, 12/21/08, I started bleeding more heavily & cramping. I went to the Dr. on Tues., 12/23/08 to find out that I was indeed having a miscarriage. My Dr. advised me to take Misprostol to help my body pass everything. So I induced my on miscarriage on Christmas Eve. My husband & I decided not to even acknowledge that it was Christmas b/c we didn't want every Christmas to be haunted by that memory - of course that wasn't possible.
   My mom hasn't been there for me at all. I'm so lucky to have my husband b/c he's been my rock. I ache all over & wonder if I'll ever get to have a baby. I even wonder if my husband would just be better off with a woman who could have his child... I wonder if he'll someday leave me, even though I know he loves me so much. At times I feel like I don't want to be anywhere but @ home in bed. I'm back @ work & in ways it feels worse to be back in a normal routine, like I'm right back to being that pathetic, infertile woman sitting sadly @ her desk.
   I don't know anyone who has had one miscarriage, let along 2. I have noone to share my feelings with, so I'm so thankful to have found this website.
   My heart goes out to every single beautiful soul on this site & I hope that all of you get to have all of the babies that your heart desires.
   I want so badly to feel alive again. I want even more to have a child of my own. I'm so scared that it will never happen & that my life will be a lonely existence in the end. I know this is grief, but it's almost to hard to bear.
   Thanks again.

   Wednesday, January 07, 2009 10:03:15

   Maggie says:
   

   My heart hurts too much to explain our circumstances. I suffered my 1st miscarriage @ about 5-6 weeks in Jan. of 05 & my 2nd in Dec. 08, during Christmas. I ended up having to take Misprostol after I started miscarrying on my own. So I spend Christmas eve & Christmas day at home having a miscarriage. I felt like I'd already bonded with my baby & I was so looking forward to meeting this little person that I already loved so much. Every time I went to the bathroom to pass the tissue was so tremendously painful - I felt like pieces of my beautiful little baby were just falling out of me. It hurts so much b/c there was nothing I could do to save my child & I wanted so badly to do just that.
   My husband has been my rock & I'm so grateful for him. We've been trying for so long, but still have no children. I'm so afraid that I'll never have a child & I fear that more than death. I know that I'm still grieving, but it's almost too much to bear. I've even worried that my husband may leave me one day if I can't have his child, even though I know how much he loves me.
   I want to feel alive again. I want to be a member of the Mommy club. I want to be able to feel normal again. It seemed like it took forever to heal after my last M/C & here we go again.
   I'm so thankful to have found this site & to be able to get all of this out. My heart goes out to all of the beautiful souls who've shared their stories, as I've cried reading many of them. I hope that all of you are able to have as many babies as your heart desires.

   Wednesday, January 07, 2009 10:19:53

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Maggie,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss, (both of them), and feel so much for you. You sound terribly empty, and I know that feeling all too well.
   
   You are a wonderful woman and your husband loves you very much. Please don't think he'll leave you because of your miscarriages. I know it's hard, but it hurts to think you're feeling the possiblity because it's only adding more pain to your life. He's there for you, loves you and the two of you will get through this together.
   
   I don't about the circumstances with your mother, but I feel very sad she's not there for you. Know we are. I am and all of us here are hearing you and walking the road to healing with you.
   
   You are not pathetic. You are not a failure. I felt those things, too and my eyes water just thinking of you feeling that way. I remember it like it was yesterday, and it's been seventeen years since I lost my son. However, God got me through it and today I do feel him (my son) near me always in a very spiritual way.
   
   No, it's not my dream. I wanted a baby as much you do- as much as any of the women and their families here. Please don't give up on your dreams. Right now, you are grieving and with that comes very sad thoughts about your future. Those thoughts are part of all the pain you're experiencing due to losing your precious baby. I know one day, that sun is going to shine again and you'll have something so important to hold on to- HOPE.
   
   Christmas Eve of 2008 proved to be a very painful for both you and your husband. I pray that Christmas Eve of 2009 is one of the most joyful ones you'll ever know.
   
   One day at a time is all we have. Please use the days ahead as healing time. I know you're back to work and trying to go through the motions. And, that's what it is. This 'cloud' seems to be over your head and the world appears foggy and bleak. That's grief. It's awful and stinks and every other adjective you can think of to describe the pain after miscarriage. But, while you heal you have to feel. It's no picnic and you're a very strong woman with loads of courage. Why? You're going on the best you can and that's all you can do. You're surviving miscarriage, for the second time. You will get through this and you're not alone. I know your pain is not taken away by my words. But, we are connected- we are all connected here at MiscarriageHelp.com.
   
   If you need to talk this out with a grief counselor, etc., please don't hold yourself back from doing so. There's nothing wrong with talking about your feelings with someone who knows how to best guide you as you travel your path towards healing and recovery. I did it and my miscarriage isn't what led me to seek help all those years ago. It was a failed marriage. However, my miscarriage did enter into my talk therapy and it helped.
   
   Many years later, I wrote a book about my experiences and how I coped. I never would have thought it possible, but it happened. None of us know why things so painful, like miscarriage, happen to us. It's how we cope that matters because it determines what the quality of your life will be. At first, it's so tough. Days blend into the next and before you know it, months have passed. Then, one day, you notice you're not quite as sad. You feel somehow better and really can't pinpoint why.
   
   The same will happen to you. Right now, it's all to fresh and raw to even wrap your brain around. You are grieving a very real loss of the baby you loved with all your heart. Allow yourself to feel and come back and vent whenever you want. We are here for you and believe me, that counts for something.
   
   I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers always.
   
   Love, Light and Healing to you,
   Ellen

   Wednesday, January 07, 2009 11:33:05

   myeshia says:
   

   I lost my baby at 17 weeks which occured around the 29th or 30th of december. When i went to my first ultrasound this month they told me the baby passed away three weeks ago. this was my first pregnancy and i dont understand how this have happened. my health is excellent except to be told by doctors that i had the sickle cell trait. my heart sank when i was told that my baby died. just watching on the screen my lifeless baby and no heartbeat detected made me feel like it was my fault. i still feel that way. i feel like i didnt deserve to have my peace of happiness that i so long wanted. i been through so much and i thought that this baby was gone put the joy i needed in my life. no one knows that i dont feel loved. i been rejected by men whom i fell for and i really did want this baby. i know god have his reasons but im alone i have no one in my life. i just wish that god couldve let me have this baby. im always being a people pleaser. i didnt deserve this.

   Sunday, January 18, 2009 01:52:12

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Myeshia,
   I am so sorry for your loss. The pain and grief are so raw as you lost your baby only a few weeks ago. Miscarriage is one of the most difficult and isolated types of loss there is.
   
   I know that terrible, sinking feeling when looking at a screen only to see your child with no heartbeat. I lived it too, and it's still there, etched in my mind. I try not to think about what I saw that day, so many years ago. But, right after my miscarriage, I couldn't help but relive the nightmare...over and over again.
   
   No, you didn't deserve this. Nobody does and trying to find the answers makes things so much harder on ourselves. I know my faith did carry me. It was darkest before the dawn. Time was what I needed to heal and I have to say I feel the same about you. You need time to grieve, and deserve to grief your baby.
   
   Miscarriage is the cause- the loss is our precious babies. The more people understand that a real, live baby who was loved so dearly has passed away, the more empathy and sympathy will be shown to women just like you- women who are grieving their babies. Their families, too.
   
   Your road to healing isn't an easy one, but you can come here and talk, vent, whatever, anytime you want. Knowing we are here for each other is so important. I am sorry about your history with men. It seems like you've really taken some blows...but I do believe if you believe in yourself, you'll heal and come out stronger one day.
   
   Right now, it is your time to grieve, feel, and heal. Please be very gentle to yourself and treat yourself as you would a best friend who was living this.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Sunday, January 18, 2009 13:57:56

   Janine says:
   

   I never understood real pain until this week. At out follow-up u/s, I knew something was wrong by the face of the tech. It's cruel making you guess what's happening all the while she's trying to smile at me knowing that my baby was not alive. I had my 1st u/s on 1/8, everything was fine, heartbeat and all. But on Monday, we were going to confirm my dates but the heartbeat was gone. It must have just happened because everything was measuring properly. It's been a foggy blur since then. I feel silly grieving over a baby that I never held and was only 10 weeks along. But she had eyes, and hands, and legs, and a heartbeat at one time...I saw it. Nobody knows what to say and even though everyone is reaching out, I've never felt more alone in my life. My husband rolled his eyes when I told him I felt like I was having flashbacks. But that's what it feels like, flashbacks to when I was so full of life and happy with my unborn baby and flashbacks to hearing the news. I don't know when I'll ever get over this, I hope soon.

   Saturday, January 24, 2009 12:39:44

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Janine,
   I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you're living as I write this to you. I remember feeling the same way after the dreadful news of my baby's passing away. I was in shock and felt this huge emptiness that seemed to reach into every fiber of my being.
   
   Like you, it seemed to sink in more and more each day- at least that's what I'm feeling from your words. Please do not feel silly in grieving your baby. Your baby was your love, your child, the life inside of you that you had plans, wishes, hopes and dreams for.
   
   How could you not grieve? There is nothing silly about loving your baby and remembering what it was like to actually know he or she was growing inside of you. Of course you're heartbroken and having flashbacks.
   
   You mentioned...."that I never held" when talking about grieving your baby. That's the title of my book- I Never Held You- and it's exactly because of the way I felt, and the way you're feeling now. My heart goes out to you because I know how much you wanted to hold your baby and never got to...
   
   Please, go with your feelings and let them out. Be easy on YOU and give yourself the time and space you need to grieve. You have every right to do so and, sadly, it's part of your healing. Without the tears flowing, they remain inside and that only serves to cause you more pain.
   
   I don't know if you'd consider it, but you might want to hold your own, special memorial service for your baby. Give your child a name if you want to. You'll feel something in your gut if it's meant to be. Something as simple as setting some balloons into the air in honor of your precious baby's short stay with you, to planting a tree in your yard...whatever. It doesn't matter what you do, it's what it does for you in terms of helping you to heal by providing you with some closure. I waited SO long to do it, but when I did, I felt I'd finally gotten some of the closure I ached for.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Know you're always welcome here to share, vent, connect.
   
   Blessings, Healing and Light to you,
   Ellen

   Saturday, January 24, 2009 17:28:45

   jessica says:
   

   Ellen, Thank you so much for all of your advice, I've been meaning to write you sooner but have been busy, none the less your words of wisdom brought me hope and brought a little faith to my whole situation. As of now me and my boyfriend are doing great. Still dealing with it all, day by day, We are soon seeking counselling and hope it will help our relationship with everything that has happened through-out this year, with our friends death and the loss of our child. Thank you so much for responding so quickly. I couldn't have asked for a better response. Keep doing what your doing, it brings others hope and a good feeling inside. God Bless You.. Jessica.G.. xox

   Tuesday, January 27, 2009 03:10:10

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Jessica,
   Your words mean a great deal to me. Knowing you are taking steps towards healing creates a feeling of gratitude in my heart. One day at a time- for certain. I am extremely grateful to have this platform to reach out to others. Women and their families share their feelings after miscarriage, etc., and I feel like the thanks should go to God for paving the way for me to create this site. However, I do appreciate your thanks so, so much. Both you and your boyfriend need the time to work through your pain and loss, and I am glad to see you're doing it together. With multiple losses come multiple wounds. May you both be wrapped in the healing arms of love. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers always. If you ever want to come back, I am here to listen as are the others at Miscarriagehelp.com.
   
   God Bless you in all you do,
   Ellen

   Tuesday, January 27, 2009 07:44:05

   Amy Ganote says:
   

   Ellen,
   
   I've found this site to be helpful in so many ways. Mainly it's shown me that I'm not alone in my thinking and that I'm not going crazy. And the support you have show others and your 'words of wisdom' have really touched me. But now I need your support/advice.
   
   My husband and I had our m/c July 18th last year. It devastated me and I'm not sure if I'll ever 'get over it'. While being very supportive of me, my husband hasn't shown much emotion. I'm not sure if he ever really felt the baby was 'real' since we only knew about her for only 4 days before we lost her. We weren't ttc, but we were happy (at least I was once the shock went away). Once the shock went away, I realized I wanted our baby so much.
   
   But in my heart our baby was real. She (I believe in my heart our baby was a girl) was so real to me. I may never have gotten to hold her and I may have only known her for a few days before we lost her, but she was very much our baby. In those 4 days I knew about her, I had so many dreams and wishes for her that will never come true.
   
   March 11th is (was?) my due date. How do I deal with that? How can I treat that day as a normal day? How do I manage that day? I don't know if I'll even be able to get out of bed on March 11th. Just thinking about it now and I'm bawling. Every time I think of our baby's due date I just feel panicky and tears just start falling.
   
   I don't even know if my husband or anyone else realizes what our due date was. Or that I'm dreading that day so much.
   
   Can you advise me on how to deal with this day (and all the other crappy days I'm having)? I really need some of your
   'words of wisdom' to help me with this.
   
   Thanks - Amy G.

   Wednesday, January 28, 2009 17:23:58

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Amy,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss and your loss was certainly real. Your real baby girl lived inside of you and inside of your heart. She still lives within your heart...I know. It hurts so much there really aren't any words to describe the pain.
   
   I pray I can offer you something. What I have to give is my understanding, support, prayers, and connection. I've walked your road, Amy. My husband, (at the time), didn't think of our son, (I also knew what my child was), as 'real'. It was a shocker, and he never truly accepted our pregnancy, so he didn't lovingly accept our child. When I miscarried, it was something he felt badly about, but not because of his dreams and wishes for our baby. It was more the fact that he saw me so sad, alone, depressed- you name it, I felt it. Very much like you. I couldn't stand nor could I change how he felt. I could only pray to get through each moment.
   
   When the due date rolled around, which was right about Thanksgiving, I didn't know what I was going to do. I kept having these 'visions' of all the 'what ifs' in the world. What would my son look like? How happy would I have been to have celebrated that first Christmas with him? My mind didn't stop for the longest time- and it took its toll. I suffered terrible anxiety and the isolation I felt certainly didn't help.
   
   So...You're right where I was and my heart just aches for you. However, I have lived this and have learned. It was seventeen years ago and, you know, I still think of my son all the time. It's different now because the years have allowed me to heal, grow, and see things on a more spiritual level, if you will. But, that didn't do me much good then because I was smack dab in the middle of grieving- just like you are.
   
   If you haven't really talked about your deepest feelings to your husband, and the struggle you're living, I gently suggest you do so. At least try. I'm not saying he'll 'get it', but I don't want to see a gap form between you. That's what happened to me. It doesn't mean it'll happen to you, but a lack of communication certainly contributed to the difficulties my ex and I had in coping with losing our child. I felt I was the only one feeling it and years later I learned he did have feelings, but didn't know how to express them or what many of them were. He felt helpless because he couldn't help me and so he withdrew from me and that's not what I needed. He didn't know that and that's just one of many, many things I learned over the years.

   Wednesday, January 28, 2009 19:17:00

   Ellen says:
   

   (continued to Amy)
   Your baby's due date is approaching. I know you have a sense of dread. You mentioned being afraid of not even wanting to get out of bed on March 11th. What I can offer you is this: Do your best, and please try to do something--anything--to honor your baby with a memorial to her. Just look deep inside of your soul and make her due date upon this earth, a day you remember her and show her your love. If you can do this, for example, buy a balloon and write her a letter- then set the balloon free and read your letter to her. Get those feelings out and cry if you want to. Feel what you need to. Let as much of this pain go as you can. Please try to know and feel her spirit around you and with you all the time. She has a life and she loves you on the other side. But, it is you, just like it was me and all of us here, who miss our babies so very much. We can't hold them, see them, touch them and love them like we want. I hate it just as much as you do. But, I have had to, for my own self preservation, accept my son's short stay with me and how much he touched my life. I will love him until the day I die and then forevermore. I believe you feel the same about your daughter. By honoring her with a memorial to her you'll be giving yourself some closure. I wish I'd done this years ago, but I didn't know about it. The Internet didn't really exist like it does now and support online? What was that?
   
   We are here now. We have gathered together and are helping each other through the terrible, often isolating experience of miscarriage and everything left in its wake. I learned through the women here about a memorial service. So, I did it. I didn't care how long ago it was that I miscarried. My son meant the world to me. Still does. It was I who needed to let go and have some closure. If your husband were involved in your memorial it would probably be better. But, if he's not, you're doing this, (if you choose to), for you and your daughter. Yes, she is your daughter.
   
   I can't describe the depths of my feelings when I read my son his letter and set his balloon into the air. All I can say is how much I felt him around me and how much I knew I'd reached a point where finally, he had the respectful tribute to his life he deserved. And, the part of me that needed to do this so much finally was at rest. Oh, I still dream of my son. I wear a special necklace just for him and a bracelet, just like the one on this site. I carry him in my heart. Always will.
   
   Closure was and is important. Sadly, we often have to create for ourselves when we lose our babies to miscarriage.
   
   I hope something I've said has helped in some way. I don't know what to say I just let the words come out and pray they'll do some good.
   
   Please know I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. You are always welcome here and I although I am sorry you had to find this site, I am glad you did. You were able to share a part of you that needed to be released- let out.
   
   Let me know how you're doing if you feel inclined.
   
   Blessings, Healing and Love to you,
   Ellen

   Wednesday, January 28, 2009 19:17:13

   haylee says:
   

   Hi i'm Haylee. I'm 21. I had been trying for about 13months when I fell preg. I find out on a Sunday and that following Sunday I miscarried. It was really scary cos I was away from home but luckily i was with my husband. My parents are really great and took off work and drove 6hours to come and see me. I think I am getting my first AF since the miscarriage and I'm scared cos I have heard a few horror stories about the first AF. I feel a little stupid cos I only had my baby really for one week and that is all I could keep it for. Makes me think I wont be a very good mum. It still really hurts. Esp considering my sis has a two month old and a two year old. And when I found out I was preg I said I wud not be able to go back to my job (i was carrying heavy things around) n she laughed at me and said u r too young to have a miscarriage, don't be so silly. Sorry having a bit of a b*tch but I was really sad last night and just needed to vent. My hubby is away for the next few months so I can't even start trying again. My inlaws are coming down on the would have been due date so how can I grieve the day I should have gotten to hold my beautiful baby when there are people there I have only met once before? I feel so sad... I can't stop crying. I feel so alone too. I'm trying to get out of this mood before I get depressed but I can't seem to do it. I miss my baby and I miss my oh. I need to stop crying so I can get ready for work. I wish I could just talk to my oh. I feel abondoned like I've done something terribly wrong.

   Monday, February 02, 2009 19:18:49

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Haylee,
   I am so sorry for your loss. It doesn't matter how long you knew you were pregnant. I know you loved your baby very much and you have every right to grieve.
   
   With your husband away, it makes things all the more difficult. You're feeling very alone right now, and sometimes, even when our husbands, etc., are around us, we still feel alone. Miscarriage can make you feel like nobody in the world understands your pain.
   
   But, you have every right to feel the way you do and I hope you don't continue, (for your sake), to think you wouldn't be a good mother because you miscarried. That's not true. You have experienced a terrible, traumatic loss and it has nothing to do with how good a mother you will be. Please try to release that feeling and give it to God, or whatever you call a power greater than yourself. You're not to blame for this in the least. My heart really goes out to you because I know what it's like to feel responsible for my miscarriage. I did for quite a while, even though I knew better. My doctor told me otherwise, and deep inside I knew there was nothing I could have done. That didn't stop me from wondering...
   
   Seeing your in-laws on what would have been your due date is something I'll pray about for you. I'll ask God and the angels to give you the strength you need, to enjoy getting to know them better, and to also honor your baby. You may want to have your own memorial to your baby before they arrive, to give you some closure. You're still healing, and I can't say it happens overnight. It takes time and I know things like due dates, etc., are triggers for so many emotions, including tears, to spill out of us.
   
   Your sister having two children is something I would venture to say you're happy about, yet it's a painful reminder of the baby you lost to miscarriage. Believe me, I've lived it. You are human and your feelings run very deep. Please go easy on yourself and allow yourself to feel. If you bury your feelings inside, they just eat away at you.
   
   You've got a very full plate. You are grieving the loss of your baby, your husband is going away for several months, and you're meeting your in-laws for only the second time. You don't really know them, and I think that adds to your feelings of being so alone and isolated.
   
   Just know I am here for you, and we all are. You are not crazy for feeling like you do and need to vent. Vent here some more if you need to. I will listen. We are connected by an understanding of what it's like to walk the painful road after miscarriage. Although it's very hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel right now, over time, you will. But, you need to please give yourself the time and space you need to grieve, feel and heal.
   
   Healing doesn't mean forgetting. I know your baby will always have a place in your heart. Mine still does, and it's been seventeen years.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You have nothing to apologize for and we are all with you 100% of the way.
   
   Blessings, Love and Light to you,
   Ellen

   Monday, February 02, 2009 19:41:09

   Nadia says:
   

   Hello everyone, I wrote yesterday about my miscarriage. Today doesnt feel any better. It hurts so much the loss of the baby. I have guilt when I eat because I ate with the baby all the time, when I get dressed I feel the pain because my clothes are loose now; I cry when I take a shower because I can no longer see the baby in my belly growing. Everywhere I turn I hurt. I dont think I can take much more of this pain. I wanted to thank you for caring to send an email back and it helps to have told my pain to others that have loss a baby; I feel like at least someone understands how I feel and what I went through. My husband are having a hard time right now together because I told him no matter the pain that I want to be pregnant again so we are trying but I just got out of the hospital and dont tell him how much it hurts because there is so much blood clots; he is scared that something may happen to me but I cant give up hope nor wait months for another baby; it doesnt seem possible so we argue about that. He seems worried about me because he has started to watch everything that I do. I tried last night to drink alcohol that has been in the refrigerator for four months and take sleeping pills that I bought last night; he stopped me by saying that I might be pregnant but I know I am not because I am still bleeding. I feel sick to my stomach because I know this is the blood from the baby that I held in my womb. I feel my whole world is crashing down around and nothing makes sense. I have always cared about everyone and been a good person. I dont know why this has happened to me. I went to an all girl's catholic school and always been strong with God and even my three year old has went to church since a baby; I have been faithful to God. But I am now questioning everything that I believed in and wonder if it has been good to always been a good person now I suffer beyond imagine. I cry and have no one to talk too about my situation except this posting because I know a woman named Ellen cares and it helps so much that someone actually just listens and not say they are just sorry for me. I am so tired of people saying they are sorry; all I want is my baby back. I am still angry with my husband for the things he said to me the night I lost the baby but I stay quiet so he doesnt know my anger towards him because I want a baby in my womb to fill the void in my life. But that night he told me no more babies and he tried to leave me I can still hear the words he said that I would see who he really was and that he was leaving me that I know where he works if I wanted contact. It was so hard to sit with a man that I loved so much but at that moment when they told me I lost the baby; I hated him. Then I felt bad and then I was angry because before they took the baby from my womb from surgery I had to beg my husband to not to leave me because he kept saying minutes before the surgery he died with the baby and we were finito that I was better off with somone else. I was so angry because I am going to surgery and he made me loose the last minutes with the baby for him. I have been angry because he tells me to forget and dont be silly that I cant change anything but last night for the first time he called me before I came to pick him up from work that he was sorry that we lost the baby and he said it was easier for him to try and forget because he hurts. and he treated me better today; he didnt act like I had a disease because when we try to get pregnant he is very cold to me but last night he was nice and he actually acted like he understood. He said he was hurt because I say I lost the baby but he said we did not just me. But it is so hard to be close to him; he hurt me so much and he cant give me back that night the baby; he can apologize now but it doesnt bring the baby back. So I do I forgive that? And sometimes I feel that is the only thing that keeps me going is to blame him if I dont do that then there are no answers for what happened and that scares me. I am partly mad at God because I wish he took me instead of the baby or at least both of us. And I dont feel loved by God anymore because I did everything right for God and God knew how happy I was with the baby. I feel empty; I dont know who I am; all I feel when I close my eyes until I get up in the morning is pain. I hug my three year old and love on her and play with her to try and take away the pain but it still doesnt go away; when I sleep is the only time I am at peace. My heart has a whole in it and I cant take the pain. I pray everyday that I will be pregnant soon and then I can heal. That is why I hold on a hope for another baby. I feel that I died that night and I am walking around in a shell there is nothing inside of me anymore. Thank you for listening

   Tuesday, February 03, 2009 19:20:05

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Nadia,
   
   I am praying for you right now, and am just so sorry for all you're going though. I'm not any kind of doctor, but I care deeply about the pain you're living. You sound very depressed and I worry that you are dealing with your loss by trying to get pregnant as quickly as you can. Believe me, I know the longing in your heart and I know why you feel like getting pregnant right this second will ease your pain. The only thing is, and I'm not a doctor, I feel like your body needs to heal along with your mind and spirit. I don't know if you've discussed getting pregnant so soon after your miscarriage with your doctor, but I gently suggest you do so.
   
   I wanted to have a baby, too. So many of us who've lived the terrible loss of miscarriage want to have a baby almost right away...although many of us are afraid, too. We are often afraid of having another miscarriage and that fear is only diminished over time and with healing.
   
   Please, Nadia, for your own good and for the good of your family: your husband and daughter, please think about talking to your doctor. I'm guessing you're very depressed because you've mentioned wanting to drink and take some sleeping pills. Yes, that troubles me so deeply. I know this isn't easy for you at all and trying to numb the pain can really hurt you. If there's anyone you can talk to, a professional, I believe in my heart it would help. That's not to say you won't get pregnant this year and have a healthy pregnancy along with the time you need to grieve your loss. Without grieving, you don't really heal. All the pain you feel right now just gets buried inside of you, and that's no good.
   
   Reach deep inside of yourself and try to find the strength to reach out to your doctor or a grief coach or both. With the right guidance, you can begin healing. The pain is going to be there because you lost your baby. I wish I could take it away, but I can't. Nobody can. It's a path you must walk, but I know you'll come out on the other side stronger if you give yourself the time you need to grieve, feel, let it all out, have memorial for your baby if you wish, and then heal. Your doctor can advise you when it's safe to become pregnant again.
   
   Take things moment by moment. Know your daughter and husband love you- your little girl loves you up to the moon and down to the dirt. She is a blessing, and I know you will find joy in her eyes as you heal after your loss.
   
   I am here to help in whatever way I can and will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please let me know how you're doing.
   
   Love, Light and Many Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Wednesday, February 04, 2009 10:15:05

   lisa says:
   

   I had my fifth miscarraige in December and have not been dealing well with it at all. I am trying to cope with the grief and take care of my two precious children. Today I took a pregnancy test as I am five days late. It was positive so I went it to the doctor immediately to confirm. He sent me for bloodwork and I will get the results in the morning. When I got home this afternoon I started to cramp and bleed. I can't even speak that this might be another miscarriage. I really am hoping that I was just late on my period and imagined a line on the pregnancy test. I really am. I don't know how to handle doing this again. At least I will know for sure tomorrow when I get the results, but for now my head is spinning. It could be, but it might not be. I am without feeling. I don't want to call anyone, not even my husband so I thought I would write to you as I have done so many other times. Thank you for hearing me and understanding me. Please pray for me.

   Thursday, February 19, 2009 13:19:23

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Lisa,
   You ARE in my thoughts and prayers. I don't blame you for being afraid or 'numb'. You've been through so much, so many miscarriages, and I know each baby was and is so precious to your heart. For most, seeing a bit of blood would be somewhat frightening, but also normal. Where you've lived through the pain of miscarriage five times, it's anything but. I will send you nothing but positive, loving thoughts- thoughts of healing and of a healthy pregnancy. Please let me know how you made out and how you're doing.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Thursday, February 19, 2009 17:11:37

   Lisa says:
   

   I wrote earlier saying I thought I might be having a miscarriage. I wanted to give you an update and seek any wisdom you might have. My doctor called saying he believed I was just having a late period and I was so relieved I believed him and moved on. But now I am replaying everything and I'm not sure he's right. I had gone in the week before to tell him I was feeling depressed and I wonder if he might have been trying to shield me from yet another miscarriage by saying it is "probably" my period but not really knowing for sure. I was five days late, I had two positive pregnancy tests, I was very painfully cramping and passing clots the first day I started bleeding and I stopped bleeding within 3 days. My normal periods last seven days. My other miscarraiges have also been short periods of bleeding. I don't see how this could just be my time of the month. It doesn't add up. Even if my bloodwork showed my hcg level to be undetectable could I still have been pregnant for a short time? My husband says to just believe it is my period and move on so I won't have to know if it was a miscarriage. I have to know. If it was though, what then? This would be the sixth? I just had one two months ago. I plan on calling my doctor in the morning. But even if he says it could have been a miscarraige, what then? I feel very cold about all of this.

   Sunday, February 22, 2009 16:58:35

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Lisa,
   Thank you for updating me...I was thinking about you and praying for you.
   
   Those here care so much about you. I wish I had the wisdom you need. All I can offer is my heart and what my own gut feelings are and/or would be if I were in your shoes.
   
   I'd question things, too. Because of your history, (very sad, I'm so sorry), with miscarriages, you know your body, mind and spirit best. You know what you felt and what you're feeling now. You wouldn't be searching for an answer if you didn't feel, somewhere deep inside, you miscarried. At least that's my perspective. Of course you don't want to have had a sixth miscarriage. I know that. You just want to be sure and I do get it. I understand why, even though it's so difficult and painful.
   
   Based on all you said, it sounds like you're fairly convinced you did miscarry. I pray you didn't and that your doctor is right. However, if it were me, I'd want a more concrete answer. But, maybe there isn't one. This is hard because I've never talked to anyone in your shoes. I'm sure there are women out there who have been in your place and didn't know if they miscarried or not. I hope they read this and are able to offer you their words of widsom based on living what you're living now.
   
   The uncertainty of it all must be extremely confusing.
   
   Was your doctor trying to spare you additional grief? Perhaps. If your heart tells you to talk to your doctor again, follow your heart.
   
   If there are any women out there who didn't know if they miscarried- nor did their doctor- please share your experience with Lisa. With all of us. It really would help. I don't believe for one minute that Lisa's alone in her plight.
   
   I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please be well and may God give you the answers and comfort you need.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Sunday, February 22, 2009 18:53:46

   Madeline says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   I can completely relate to feeling alone. After my miscarriage, which was over a year ago, I felt like the caring and concern, etc., lasted for maybe a week and then it was like it never happened. I lost my baby and the whole world, including my husband, seemed oblivious to my pain and grief. I hated the way I felt yet there was nobody who understood me or even treated me like a person who was grieving.
   
   I feel very blessed in that I have a wonderful baby boy. He's everything I ever dreamed of, but I didn't forget the baby I lost. My miscarriage left me wondering why, even my own doctor, just didn't get the pain. I believe with all my heart my baby was just as real as my son. The difference is, nobody got to see her. (I knew she was a girl).
   
   I have learned so much about myself through this site. All the women here are telling my story when they share their own. I finally feel like I am not crazy for missing my baby so much, even though I was blessed to have a healthy pregnancy after my miscarriage. I will always love my first child, and will have a memorial of some sort for her.
   
   She deserves it and so do I.
   
   My heart goes out to all of you.

   Wednesday, March 04, 2009 09:05:07

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Madeline,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss and for how alone you felt after your miscarriage. It's so sad to think of people disregarding your deep pain so quickly. Sadly, it happens far too often.
   
   I know you are blessed to have a healthy baby boy, and am so happy for you. I also know that you'll never forget your precious baby girl and I think it will give you the closure you need by having a memorial of some sort for her. You could plant a tree, write a poem or a letter to her, release balloons into the air...whatever feels right to you. She touched your life deeply, and both you and your baby girl need to send everything to God. I believe your baby girl is happy in Heaven, but it's always us, those left on earth, who feel the pain and find it so difficult to move forward.
   
   And, as you know, moving forward doesn't mean forgetting. You're not expected to forget your child and if anyone thinks you are, that's their reality. It's not your truth.
   
   Thank you for sharing your heart and for letting us know how much you relate to the others on this site. We really are connected through our pain, experiences, and healing. There is strength in numbers and we gain strength through each other.
   
   Love, Light and many Blessings to you and your family,
   Ellen

   Wednesday, March 04, 2009 09:11:54

   Christina D. says:
   

   Hello everyone
   
   I just found out about this site, and I am so thankful that I did. I recently had what the medical community calls a "missed abortion" at 6w and 6d in my pregnancy. I was given the option to "wait it out naturally", take a pill or have a D & C. After over a week of waiting, wondering and crying I chose the surgical option. It has been almost a week since the procedure and I am still in such a state of shock. I had no indication that my baby was in distress, and seeing my baby on the ultrasound with no heartbeat was just unbelievable to me. I feel completely numb and don't know how to move forward. I have never felt pain so overwhelming in my life. My husband has been wonderful, but admittedly, does not understand exactly what I am going through. We are being told that there is no reason to believe we won't have a healthy child in the future, but that is hard to think about when this baby still seems so real to me. I thank you all for sharing your stories and for the knowledge that I am not alone. Love, blessings and prayers to all the babies in the Lord's care.
   
   Christina

   Wednesday, March 04, 2009 11:15:56

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Christina,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss, and know the feeling all-too-well of seeing your baby in an ultrasound with no heartbeat. It's like your own heart skips a beat. I was there, just like you.
   
   Numb. I think so many of us have felt it after miscarrying. The miscarriage itself is hard enough. I think it's the reality that your baby has passed on to the other side that gets us. Our precious babies have died and no matter how strong our faith, we are left in the terrible wake of miscarriage.
   
   You grieve. You mourn. You loved your baby with all your heart. We walk this path together and I am glad you found this site to let some of your feelings out and to connect with others who KNOW what you're living.
   
   Moving on is a day by day process. Actually, I tend to look at it as moment by moment. You can only do the best you can, as with any other loss.
   
   You mentioned that your baby still seems so real to you and I, along with the others here empathize with you. When we lose one we love, whether they have left our womb or have walked this earth, the shock sends us reeling. We may know they are with God and are doing fine, yet our tears must fall. We have grieve in order heal.
   
   So, let those tears out and feel what you must. Know you are cared about, loved and supported by me and all those here.
   
   You are in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Blessings, Love and Healing to you.
   
   Ellen

   Wednesday, March 04, 2009 19:39:26

   Po says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   
   I'm not quite sure how I happened upon this site, I wasn't looking for a miscarriage support site. However, I find it fortuitous that I ended up here tonight. I feel the need to express what I've been going through lately, and this forum seems perfect.
   
   I have a history of gynecological issues dating back to my early 20's, when I had my first miscarriage. I have since had two beautiful children and been diagnosed with PCOD (polycystic ovary disease) and complex atypical hyperplasia (a disorder that causes polyps to grow on the uterine walls, which in my case, are pre-cancerous). With these issues, it should be nigh impossible for me to become pregnant at all, yet I seem to keep defying the odds on that front.
   
   With PCOD, periods tend to be hit and miss, and it is no real issue if it's been three months since the last one. So, three years ago when I began to bleed horrendously, I didn't automatically assume miscarriage. When I was admitted to the hospital (I had lost so much blood that I couldn't rouse myself from the bed, and found out at a later point that my heart actually stopped beating in the ambulance on the way to the hospital), I was told that I'd been pregnant, and according to my hormone levels, I was about six weeks along. A D&C was performed, and I had the lovely experience of my first blood transfusion.
   
   This past summer, I had another bout of incredibly heavy bleeding, for which I went to the hospital several times, and was sent home each time. Tests did not show any sign of elevated hcg. Apparently my iron and potassium levels were not low enough to merit concern, until I passed out in the bathroom. I was once again whisked away by ambulance (I refused treatment at the hospital that had sent me home, and demanded that I be seen at the other local hospital). Again, I was told that I miscarried; again, at about six weeks along, and had another D&C with blood transfusion.
   
   All of this was too much for my partner to deal with, and he left me shortly after I returned home from the hospital, heaping heartbreak upon heartbreak for me.
   
   I am a natural stoic, and I deal well with situations that would break others. Thus I had come to a point where I was emotionally ready to pursue a relationship again by the time I met a wonderful man, one who brings light and joy to my life. Something we discussed early on, before we became intimate, was my gynecological trouble. Although he very much wants children, he is willing to accept that I cannot/should not have any more, for my health and safety.
   
   I have to add quickly here that since August and my last miscarriage, I have been having regular monthly periods, which is a novelty for me.
   
   Two weeks ago I began bleeding again, which I attributed to yet another regular period: the timing was exactly right. However as the days went by, the bleeding became heavier, and didn't stop as it should have. A home pregnancy test showed a positive result, and so two nights ago, after 12 days of excessive bleeding, I finally went to the ER. Yes, I had experienced yet another miscarriage, although this pregnancy was measured in days, not weeks...I had only been about 16 or 17 days pregnant before the bleeding started. A cbc was done, and my iron and potassium were at manageable levels, so I was sent home, and a D&C is scheduled for Friday morning.
   
   Needless to say, I'm hurting more than even a stoic can handle right now. I haven't the strength to tell my partner what's going on, because I know that it will break his heart, and I am terrified that he will walk away from me the same way my ex did, even though I know he is not the same person. I dare not tell my roommate, because she has no discretion and will spill it all to anyone who shows any interest in how I'm faring. The only thing she knows is that I'm suffering from menorrhagia.
   
   The worst part for me is knowing that I had that life inside of me, even if for such a short time. I was comfortable in the fact that my partner and I would never have children together...until I discovered that we had created a life, a much-wanted life that would have been treasured beyond anything I have the power to express. Now all I can do is fight back tears. I can't help but envision the expression on my partner's face when I am finally able to tell him that our baby never had a chance to live. I don't think I'll be able to look at him when we talk.
   
   Thank you for having this site available. Being able to say what I needed to say in a forum like this is cathartic.

   Thursday, March 12, 2009 02:53:56

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Po,
   
   I am so sorry for your losses and for all you've been through with your health; your ex leaving and the emotional ride I'm sure you wish you weren't living.
   
   Miscarriage can break even the strongest of us. Matters of the heart unearth themselves no matter how deeply we try to bury them.
   
   You've had your share of heartache, and I understand why you're afraid to tell your partner about your miscarriage. You know he wants children and you suffered yet another miscarriage. You're in such a difficult spot, but to carry this weight upon your shoulders must be unbearable.
   
   Upon starting your relationship with your partner, you let him know you had gynocological problems and children probably wouldn't be a part of your life together. He obviously loved and accepted you just as you are because you're a couple. Please try to keep that in mind. It's not like you led him to believe you could have children. Actually, quite the opposite. I think he's already prepared, in a way, to hear the truth. And, you've got nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. You're grieving a life you wanted and loved. You need to grieve in order to heal. I know you know this. But, sometimes logic takes a front seat to our hearts and we just march through the pain like a real trooper.
   
   When you do this, where does the pain go? It eats you up, and you don't need that now or ever. You've been through an incredible amount of loss and defied the odds by having two children. However, with each miscarriage you've suffered, comes pain, grief and the need to heal. On top of it, you nearly lost your life when you miscarried.
   
   Your ex is not your current partner, but I know what it's like to make silent mental comparisons- especially when your ex left you for seemingly the same medical problem you're afraid to tell your partner about. Try to remember they are not the same people and believe it in your heart. He should know and you deserve to have someone who loves you so much that he'll be there to support you during this terrible time. I would venture to say he'd want to know and be there for you. You can't even talk to your roomy because of her indiscretion.
   
   Po, you need someone. We can't weather everything alone, even when we've convinced ourselves we can.
   
   You've done nothing wrong, and like every woman here you're hurting over what could have been and the baby you loved. Even if you didn't know you were pregnant- when you discovered you were and lost your baby, you realized how much love was inside of you for this child. You became acutely aware of just how much you wanted your baby and now, sadly, you are in a world of grief and pain again.
   
   Support is so important. You don't need to ride this one out alone. If this man loves you as he professes, he'll be there. He may be hurt. Perhaps he'll realize how much he wanted this baby, too and yes, he also has the right to grieve. You both do. You can do it together rather than alone.
   
   For some reason you were led to this site and although I wish you never had to find it, I am glad you were able to set free so many of your emotions. I understand the pain you're living in my own way, as do the others here. While our circumstances may be different, we all know what it's like to lose a baby to miscarriage and have lived in the terrible aftermath.
   
   If you can find the strength to tell your partner, I gently suggest you do so. Only you know what's right for you and when the timing is right. However, I'd like to know he was there for you when you went for your D&C. I'd like to think of him wrapping his arms around you and comforting you during this very, very sad time. Call me an optimist, but I'd like to think of him standing by your side and not walking the other way. It's a fear I can relate to, but one I believe you can overcome. If the love is strong enough, it will help you to brave this storm and to heal.
   
   If you're inclined, I'd like to know how you're doing. Please feel free to come back. In the meantime, know you are thought of, and I am keeping you in my prayers.
   
   Love, Light and Healing to you,
   Ellen

   Thursday, March 12, 2009 08:18:33

   lauren says:
   

   Dear Ellen
   
   Hello, it's Lauren again. I haven't spoken in a while, I'm not sure if you remember me. I miscarried a year and a half ago when I was 16. I've been having a lot of trouble dealing with all the pain. Especially since nobody is there for me.
   
   It's weird - I lost my baby - and at a time where I need someone to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be okay, I just have a bunch of people telling me to get over it. I mean on top of losing my baby, I lost my friends, my boyfriend, and in a sense I lost my family - because they all have seemed to give up on me. So why shouldn't I give up on myself when everybody else has?
   
   I haven't written here in a while because I've been too depressed to get up. I miss the baby. Sometimes when things get really hard, I tell myself that the baby is still around. Like, when I'm sitting in class, I tell myself that it's okay, I will get through the day, because in a few hours I get to go home and hold my kid. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I dream about this baby almost every night. And when I wake up I'm crushed to see that it's just a dream. Crazy. I am crazy.
   
   I started seeing a therapist, but, I don't feel any better. What will make it better? I have no idea, nothing feels right anymore.
   
   Thanks for listening. Thank you so, so much. I really just need someone whos been through it to help me out.

   Thursday, March 12, 2009 20:09:52

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Lauren,
   
   Yes, I remember you.
   
   I am so sorry for all you've been through: losing your baby, feeling so alone- all of it. I want to say something from my heart to yours-
   
   You said: "So why shouldn't I give up on myself when everybody else has?"
   
   I say: Because you're a beautiful, loving person who is special, unique and has a purpose she can't yet see in her life right now. Because you've got a heart full of love and compassion and it shows in how much you love and miss your baby. Because you, Lauren, are a one-of-a-kind creation of God's and you are loved more than you know or feel. And, because, Lauren, I haven't given up on you, (I know we've never met but we do share a connection through our living after miscarriage, etc.), nor would I ever give up on you. I know I'm not the answer, but I believe we are all part of each other's answer when we feel so alone and like the world just doesn't get it, our pain, our grief. I get it and so do the others here and all over the world who have lived through losing our babies to miscarriage. You are supported. You are cared about, prayed for, understood and loved. Please believe that.
   
   I had to get those words out to you.
   
   Now...I relate to the pain lasting as long as it has with you. I cried over losing my baby for a very long time and still miss him to this very day. Does that make me crazy? No. Does the fact that I believe he does live on in spirit make me crazy? No. I don't think so. Am I crazy for wearing my special necklace made just for him every day? Nope. I'm not crazy. Do I still dream about what life would have been like had he remained on this earth with me? Sure I do. Does that make me crazy? No.
   
   Lauren, you are not crazy. You are not crazy for dreaming about your baby and wishing things worked out differently. You are not crazy for needing your family's support at such a terrible time. You are not crazy for feeling rejected and pushed aside because your grief was dismissed, still is, and your boyfriend left you and it makes you sad. You are not crazy for feeling abandoned. You are not crazy for feeling like there's nobody to talk to. You haven't found the people to talk to and connect with and I believe you need this so, so much.
   
   Again...you are not crazy. Please try to toss that thought out of your mind. Please try to love and accept yourself as a young woman who went through miscarriage at a very tender age and didn't feel loved or get the hugs she needed- therefore, your healing was truly hindered. Your healing was literally held back because you turned to those you loved for help and they didn't just hold you and let you cry and tell you it'd be okay one day. Nobody said you had the right to grieve. You did have the right and you still have the right to feel. That's how we heal and your therapist, I pray, will help guide you to a place where true healing can begin- within yourself.
   
   You asked: "What will make it better? I have no idea, nothing feels right anymore."
   
   I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest something to you. Okay?

   Thursday, March 12, 2009 22:39:19

   Ellen says:
   

   It sounds like you really need a support group of some kind, yet there seems to be none around. I get the sense that it'd really help you to connect with women, perhaps young women like yourself, who have lived through miscarriage, losing their precious babies, and then left in a world where they felt alone, misunderstood and simply brushed aside. It sounds like being around others who feel very much like you do would help pull you out of your isolation, solitude and depression, and open the doors to a world where you finally feel connection.
   
   Perhaps you could be the one to start such a group? Maybe you could find just a few people, either in your school or nearby, who you could meet with and just vent once a week. What do you think? Could you run this by your therapist and see what he/she thinks? Do you feel okay about talking to your parents about this idea? Does the idea of you being the one to find the people you need, <i>who need you just as much</i>, feel right to you? I think it's something for you to consider. That's all. I'm not saying you should do this, or shouldn't. It's not up to me. But, there are young women who feel just like you and need just what you need. They are out there crying themselves to sleep at night, dreaming about their babies, just like you. I know you hurt. Maybe some of your hurt could be transformed into the energy it would take to create something positive and nurturing- like a miscarriage support group where you would benefit, too. You'd all feel healing, support and understanding with and through each other.
   
   I'm tossing this your way because something inside is telling me to do so. There's no right or wrong here and if you decide it's not for you, or perhaps something you couldn't handle right now, it's all okay. I just want to try and help you however I can by listening to you and letting you know that I care. Sometimes, it comes out in the form of ideas, along with support.
   
   Lauren, I wish I never lost my son. I wish I never had to write "I Never Held You". But, after a while, my pain told me that I had to reach out to others who felt like I did way back when I believed nobody was there for me. Not a book, a group, or a website. I felt so alone and didn't want others to feel as alone as I once did. That's how my pain and adversity turned into something positive for others as well as for me. It just happened. That's how this website happened.
   
   I'm sending you my loving prayers. Please let me know how you're doing.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Thursday, March 12, 2009 22:39:30

   nicky says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   I need some support and found this wonderfull site. I have just been told that i have had a misscarrage and i was around 8 weeks pregnant. I have been diognised with pcos about 1 year ago, after my husband and i had been trying for four years, and nothing was happening. I am very upset about it all and all my friends keep saying is at least there is hope. Yes there is hope but i am trying to deal with this and not doing good at all, i get home from work and just cry, all i want to be is a mum for the first time.
   Because of my PCOS i didnt even know that i was pregnant and that is whats hurting the most, i feel as if it is my falt because i could have prevented it maybe, or gone to the doctor earlier or something i just need somebody to talk to!

   Friday, March 20, 2009 07:55:14

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Nicky,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss. You didn't know you were pregnant and please, even if you did, your miscarriage is not your fault. I just got a book called Miscarriage, Medicine and Miracles. (I hope I have the title right. If not, I'll correct it.) I've learned a great deal about the different factors which may cause miscarriages. PCOS is mentioned, as are my fibroids, my negative RH factor, etc. The thing is, there are so many women who simply don't know they are pregnant. Many don't even know they have PCOS, fibroids, a weakened cervix, etc. until it's too late. Suddenly, they are miscarrying and it completely throws these poor women for a loop. Afterwards, they go to their doctor and discover there may have been help, but it's so sad the miscarriage often comes before any kind of treatment is begun- or preventative measures.
   
   You have every right to grieve your baby. When you found out you'd miscarried, all the love you felt for your child came bursting to the surface. Of course you are going to cry. Please know you have every right to and need to grieve in order to heal.
   
   Just the other night, and it's been seventeen years since my miscarriage, I found myself wondering if I'd known I was RH negative, could I have saved my baby? The reality hit me like wall of bricks crashing upon my head. I started to cry and I didn't expect the tears so many years later. After I calmed down and said some prayers asking for help, I realized there was nothing I could have done and today there are ways to help when a woman is RH negative, and there are ways to help you in the future with your PCOS. But, just like me, you had to lose your baby to discover all the 'what ifs'. Please, let them go. I had to do it all over again the other night because I couldn't believe my own body basically attacked my baby and I had a second trimester miscarriage. I felt terrible about myself...all of it. However, a little voice told me very gently, <i>"It wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could have done. Please take comfort in that."</i>
   
   Now you are on a very difficult road to healing. But, heal you will. You need to feel in order to heal. Let the tears fall. Feel what you must. Talk to your doctor about what you can do in the future. Go easy on yourself and please don't fall into the lonely trap of blaming yourself. It only makes your healing harder. Truly.
   
   I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. If you want to come back, please do. I'd like to know how you're doing. There are so many women here who have felt what you're feeling. I know it doesn't take away your pain, but there is some comfort in knowing we are walking this road together. You aren't alone, nor will you ever be. We are always here for you. I am always here.
   
   Blessings, Love and Light,
   Ellen

   Sunday, March 22, 2009 20:45:41

   Julia says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   Thank you for this site. I feel like I'm at my wits end. I miscarried nearly three months ago. There are days when I'm just a mess, and others where I think I'm doing okay. I know I'm still grieving my baby, and my heart goes out to all the women here who feel like I do.
   
   I have a baby shower coming up for my sister in law. I don't know if I can go and feel so selfish. I don't want to ruin her day. I am happy for her. I can't wait to be an aunt. But, I wanted so much to be a mother! It kills inside. I don't know if I can handle all the baby gifts- all of it.
   
   I'll probably end up going. How can I not? Any words of advice would be so appreciated.
   
   Thanks for being here and for listening.

   Monday, March 30, 2009 11:13:14

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Julia,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss and understand your feelings very well. I struggled for a long time with attending baby showers, etc.
   
   You are still grieving your baby. It's only been three months, and that's not a long time. I think you're feeling very much like I did- a baby shower is a reminder of the baby you loved but never got to see or hold. The heartache is almost overwhelming and the confusion you feel is normal. I'm no expert, but it was normal for me and for most of the women here.
   
   Please don't feel selfish. You are human. You miss your baby. You've lived through a very traumatic loss. You are entitled to grieve and feel. I realize some days are better than others, but your fears are justified as you struggle with your decision as to whether or not you'll attend your sister-in-law's baby shower.
   
   You are very happy for her, and you are not selfish for grieving your loss. The two emotions are at opposite ends of the spectrum. It can really leave you feeling like you're in a tailspin.
   
   All I can offer is this: If you go, please allow yourself to be you. There may be times when you need to step outside and be alone. You don't have to laugh and smile all the time. Allow yourself to if you feel it, but don't place too much pressure upon yourself. I'm not suggesting you go in all 'doom and gloom'- I am suggesting you can only do your best- and that's good enough.
   
   Your sister-in-law knows of your loss. I'm hope she's sensitive to your pain.
   
   I was faced with the very same situation not too long after my miscarriage. I did attend the baby shower and I struggled to keep myself together. However, with some prayers and allowing myself to step away if I had to, I made it through. Although I was very happy for my friend, each gift, every baby blanket, set of shoes, diaper basket, bottles, stroller, and more reminded me of the baby I wanted to shower these things, along with all the love in my heart, upon.
   
   Did I cry? Yes. On the way home that's all I did. And you know what? It was okay. I had to let it out. I had to allow myself to feel. I didn't know it back then, but crying was probably one of the healthiest things I did because I didn't keep my feelings pent up inside. I was already an anxiety-stricken mess. My hormones still weren't in check. I was sad, lonely, at a loss and missed my baby.
   
   I once heard this by Dr. Wayne Dyer: "You can grieve and still live."
   
   Just do your best. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Love, Light and Many Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Monday, March 30, 2009 11:26:24

   Gayle says:
   

   I lost my baby 37 years ago. He (a feeling) was my only child. My then husband basically ignored my/our loss. So I tried to put it behind me, never grieving. During the past 5 years or so, my grief resurfaced with a vengence. I am now in a GriefShare group and am dealing with my miscarriage. I thank God and people like you who are there to help.

   Thursday, April 02, 2009 11:44:41

   Kim says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   
   I have had quite a few bumps in my road to having children. My first was in 2005 after trying to conceive for over a year and a half. We finally became pregnant and then found out at 8 weeks that the baby "didn't have a heartbeat." I opted for a D & C at that time because we were closing on a new house in a couple days and had a lot of work there and the following week I had to return to work as a teacher and they didn't know how long the "natural" way would have taken. Just three months later with the assistance of clomid I became pregnant with my now 2 1/2 year old daughter. What a blessing, but at 8 weeks they found I also had an ectopic pregnancy and my tube burst which caused me to bleed internally. YIKES! So I had to have emergency surgery. My daughter survived, but I still lost another baby. In January of 2009 after trying for well over a year and a half again I tried Clomid again and became pregant in the first cycle. Well I was followed VERY close and had an ultrasound at 7 weeks where there was a heartbeat, but the fetus didn't measure. I went back at 8 weeks and the baby no longer had a heartbeat. Thus I lost a third baby. There is not a medical reason that the dr. knows of at this time. I am so heartbroken because I want more children but I don't know how much more of this I can handle. The first six weeks of my pregnancies seem like 6 months. I do have a support system of many friends and family and yet I still fell like they totally do not understand. Some even have had miscarriages, but not multiple. Thank you for this website and the opportunity to share my story. It helps with the grieving.

   Thursday, April 02, 2009 14:25:13

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Gayle,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss. I know it's been 37 years, but that doesn't change the love you felt for your son, (I'd trust your gut), and the lack of grieving you experienced. I believe this was due, in part, to the lack of support given to you.
   
   No matter how much time has passed since your miscarriage, there's healing that needs to be done. I sense your pain was buried for so long and never had the chance to heal. Like a wound that's left unattended.
   
   I am glad you found a GriefShare group and are finally able to deal with your feelings of grief, pain, isolation and fear. It can be such a lonely walk after miscarriage.
   
   I know from my own experiences that when we don't deal with our feelings, we don't heal. Suddenly, (or so it seems), they come in the form of crying, illness, panic, headaches, etc. Often, we can't place a finger on the trigger. I don't think it matters becuase your body, mind and spirit are telling you to release your feelings and begin the healing journey- no matter how long it's been since your loss.
   
   Very much like me, your baby was your only child. I always felt, (still do), there was nothing to fill the void. No child came into my life and it still hurts. I pray this will change- and I pray you are given the strength, love and support you need right now to finally heal.
   
   I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Friday, April 03, 2009 07:35:49

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Kim,
   
   I am so sorry for your losses and yes, you've had quite the bumpy road. I know you're blessed with your 2 1/2 year old, but having child doesn't take away from your losses. I think in life there gifts and losses. Your daughter is a gift. Your miscarriages are losses and need to be grieved in order to heal. I know having your daughter brings such light into your life. But, does that mean you ache less for the babies you loved and lost?
   
   No. Each loss you experience needs to be grieved- just as each joy and blessing need to be celebrated. I know you know this. Sadly, you've had to heal three times from miscarriage. Your fears are understandable, as is the nagging sense of sadness over losing your babies.
   
   I don't know if you've had any kind of memorial services for your babies. I didn't until nearly seventeen-years after the fact. I just didn't know any better and my life was at such a different place.
   
   However, I wrote a letter to my son. I read it on a bright, sunny day and had this little basket of things which, to me, represented my son: a baby outfit, a cross, some flowers and some ashes made for me by minister. After reading my letter to Alex, (my son), I release the ashes into the air, along with a balloon.
   
   I cried, yet felt the closure I needed. It's like a hole in my soul was filled. I knew my son was fine in Heaven. It was me who wasn't. I needed to do this.
   
   We're all different. A memorial may sound right to you. It may not. I also wear a special bracelet representing my son and my love for him. A necklace, too. They are special and near to my heart. I'm thinking about planting a special tree this spring, (I suppose that's now), for him and for all babies lost to miscarriage. I will say prayers for all of you and the tree, as it grows, will remind me of the love we all have for our babies and of our growing strength, healing and connection.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings to you and your family.
   
   Love, Light and Healing,
   Ellen

   Friday, April 03, 2009 08:51:25

   irina says:
   

   hi i just lost my precious little baby on april 2, 09. the day before i had some slight bleeding which concerned me and of course i went to the walk in clinic, where the doctor could not hear the heartbeat, my first thoughts of course were the doppler wasn't working properly or that the baby was turned in such a way that he just had a hard time finding it. i was send straight to the hospital for an ultrasound where i was told that the baby didnt have a heartbeat and had died. this was my first pregnancy and i am devastated. i was 19 weeks exactly on the day i was told my baby was dead. i was almost half way through my pregnancy, i didnt think i would happen to me, i wanted this baby so badly i just dont know what to do anymore, i feel lost like i should be doing something but i dont know what, i find myself staring into space just frozen and not able to do anything. the baby was born at home, and i can still see its small little body. so helpless and liveless. i was waiting so badly already for the day that we could bring our precious baby home with us. now i am scared to try for another baby in case this happens again. how do i overcome this great pain inside of me.

   Sunday, April 05, 2009 09:34:51

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Irina,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss. Losing your baby at home...seeing your baby- it must be extremely difficult for you. If you find you need help with this, please try to find someone to talk it out with. I know I'd need help- but, we're all different.
   
   You've been through loss and trauma. The great pain inside of you will heal, but you need time. It probably feels like you're living on a different planet right now. The shock of loss does that to us.
   
   I know of the love and dreams you had for your little one. When they disappear, your love does not.
   
   The best you can do is take one day at a time, and that's good enough. It has to be. You're grieving the loss of your baby, you've miscarried and your body needs to heal as does your mind and spirit.
   
   You are entitled to grieve and need to in order to begin healing. Please allow yourself to feel. Coming here was (sadly) a healthy thing for you to do because you got some of your feelings out. Releasing your emotions, whether in writing, tears, etc., is so vital to your overall wellness & healing.
   
   Perhaps, you could have a memorial for your baby. Anything that feels right to you. Some people plant flowers or trees. Some read a letter they wrote to their baby. Others release balloons into the air. Something to validate your sweet baby's short stay with you and your love for your baby. I think you'll find some closure if you do this, but only you'll know when, or if, it's right for you.
   
   Take your time and please discuss your fears about another pregnancy with your doctor. Many women feel this way after miscarrying- and who wouldn't? It may be too early for you now, but it may provide you with some reassurance if you decide to talk to your doctor some more.
   
   Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you. Come back anytime you need to share, vent, connect with others who've lived through the pain of miscarriage. We really do draw strength and healing from each other.
   Blessings, Love and Healing to you,
   
   Ellen

   Monday, April 06, 2009 07:02:15

   Ellen says:
   

   Good morning-
   i'm writting in to say that i give my blessings through god and jesus & give thanks to Ellen for posting this important information on micarreges. i think its really great that someone can relate or even give comfort even if its just with words of encouragement and by the grace of god. i have so much i would like to express on behalf of miscarrge's but i guess i will in due time... what i can say to all the woman that have gone through this is that Our lord does things for many reason's.the bible states that what you may not understand in today's time the why's to our question but you will soon understand later.. i have come to realize that god has a purpose for all of us even if our struggles make us dark and gloomy.. remember that with every turbulation comes a blessings and with every struggle the lord carry's us and lets you know your not alone.. although you may seem like its the end of all things remember that our lord jesus was given up by our god and he sacrificed the best thing ever in order for our sins to be vanished,, yes we can say that we as woman never commited any sins because we have miscarried but i look at it in the sence that maybe we would have suffered in the long run for our childs mishabbits or maybe the fact that the child may not live long in our lifetime, therefor that chapter in our lives is written in the book of life.
   look at the situation of miscarrige with your spiritual eyes rather that your physical eyes and remember that in order to understand things in this world we need to have a blance between the physical, spritual and emtional.. if any of these 3 things is unbalanced we will not make it thourgh life in this world.. remember that we are here temporally and that the lord will come for us soon and take us to the promise lands of the heaven that awaits us.
   i pray that all woman are blessed always and that the lord showers you all with blessings to last you a lifetime.
   
   Sincerely from some one who's be through it all.
   
   Maria Z. Guzman
   
   Dear Maria,
   
   Thank you for your words of faith, support, understanding and love. Blessings to you in all that you do, and I am sorry for the losses you've been through.
   
   Love, Light and God Bless,
   Ellen

   Friday, April 24, 2009 18:09:45

   Ellen says:
   

   Cheryl says:
   I just found this site today and wanted to share that I am also experiencing the same thing. We can't conceive naturally because of my husband's low sperm count so we went straight to ivf and out of all my eggs only one baby took. Things were finally going great. I was slowly getting over the grieve that infertility had caused us the last year, feeling like a normal women again about to have a baby. We have also been dealt many bad cards in the past few years so this baby was the first positive thing and we thought our luck was just starting to turn around. Went in for our 1st u/s at 6w5d things looked great with the baby and it had a heart beat of 122. The RE assured us that he was confident that we wouldn't lose this baby and told me to schedule my first ob appointment for 3 weeks. Well 2 weeks later (yesterday) we went for our 2nd and last u/s before being discharged from the RE and there was no heart beat and very little growth since the last u/s. I am now trying to deal with the process of losing this baby (the only good thing in my life) and worrying about the miscarriage process. I have a d&c scheduled for a week from now and am praying I don't start miscarrying before then (right now I am showing no sign of miscarrying) but also wishing it would happen because then I can start moving on instead of being struck in this limbo process with a dead baby in me that my body doesn't realize and having to suffer pregnancy symptoms (how cruel is that?).

   Friday, June 05, 2009 17:48:16

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Cheryl,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss and for the rough times you've been through with infertility, etc. You have certainly dealty with your share...and then some.
   
   I know the pain of having a baby within your womb, but not alive. I lived it and probably felt so much like you. I couldn't stand waiting. I couldn't stand knowing my baby was not alive, yet was inside of me. I couldn't stand any of it and getting though the days- the moments- was probably one of the most difficult times of my life. One of my most challenging stuggles as it is with you and your husband.
   
   But, there you are and I know there aren't any magic words to say that will ease your pain and your grief. All I can offer is my heart and my deepest, deepest sympathies. Your baby was and is so loved by you and I know how you wish your dreams would come true, instead of living through this nightmare.
   
   So, what do you do?
   
   I only know this: You can only do the best you can. You have every right to grieve your baby and to feel whatever it is you are feeling. I know your body is acting, as mine did, very pregnant still and it all feels like some very cruel joke. I felt the same way. I actually thought, "My God, I can't carry a baby and I'm not miscarrying. They actually have to remove my baby. What is this, God?" I cried. And cried. And cried some more. Tears needed to be shed as they do with you.
   
   I don't know what direction your path will take you, but I do know hope for a brighter tomorrow and healing are very real and will enter into your life. Right now, it doesn't feel that way at all. Right now, you are sad, grieving and probably feel like you're floating on an endless sea of tears.
   
   Each day, please take the time to remind yourself that you're a grieving mother. Treat yourself very gently. When you're ready, you may want to have some sort of memorial for your baby. Whatever's right for you. Something as simple as a poem, or maybe planting a special tree. One day, when the moment is right, you will know. Don't push yourself. Right now you've got this terrible time of limbo to get through and give yourself that.
   
   After my D&C I still felt terrible. My baby was gone and I didn't know what became of him. I loved him, wanted him and all I knew was that I wasn't pregnant, but my body was going nuts with hormones raging everywhere and my mind was in such a surreal state. Nothing, and I mean nothing, seemed clear or made much sense. I was too lost in world grief, pain, tears, isolation. I felt there was nobody to turn to and if that's how you feel, please know you're entitled to feel this sadly normal way.
   
   I always wished for someone to talk to. The Internet hadn't really been around...actually, it wasn't when I miscarried. I longed for somebody..anybody...to connect with. Well, one thing I can say is that the Internet has opened a worldwide door of support. People really care and understand you and are there for you. I am one of them.
   
   I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers. Please let me know how you're doing. If you ever want to come back to share, you will be heard and your loss IS recognized. You didn't lose a 'fetus'. You lost your baby. It hurts, and you will heal over time. Time is different for everyone and there is no right or wrong time frame. If, however, you feel very stuck, please don't be afraid to talk it out with a counselor, or somebody you're comfortable with.
   
   I had to. I still have to sometimes.
   
   Blessings and Much Healing to you,
   Ellen

   Friday, June 05, 2009 17:48:24

   Heidi says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   
   This time of year is so difficult for me. It's been two years since my miscarriage, (in June of 2007), and I feel like I experience flashbacks of that terrible time. I know I've come a long way from when it first happened, but sometimes I feel like I've still got so far to go. Right now, I don't feel like I've healed at all. I cry and feel depressed. I miss my baby as I did right after my miscarriage and wonder if this time of year will always trigger my sadness to come out? I am very thankful for this website. After reading so many of the other stories, I know I'm not alone in this. Thank you for all you're doing, and to all the women here, I am very sorry you've gone through this.

   Friday, June 12, 2009 11:40:12

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Heidi,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss, and I know what it's like when the anniversary date of your miscarriage rolls around. Many of us have flashbacks and it feels like you're reliving the entire experience. I have struggled with this, even all these years later.
   
   You have come a long way in terms of healing and I thinks it's a sadly natural thing for you to remember, reflect, and cry over the baby you loved and lost. One day at a time is the only way you can take this- and sometimes you just need to talk to someone who understands. I understand, the women here do, and so many others. I know that doesn't change what you're experiencing, but it helps to know you're not alone.
   
   If you find yourself really sinking into a depression, I gently suggest talking it out with a grief counselor, friend- someone.
   
   Also, it helped me a great deal when I had a memorial service for my baby, and I waited seventeen years to do it. The feeling of closure I got was necessary, and although the sting of my miscarriage didn't go away, it was lessened by holding my own goodbye to my son. I read him a letter, set a balloon into the air with my kiss mark on it and knew he got my message. More importantly, I felt like I'd finally given him the memorial he deserved. No, I never got to hold or see my son, but I loved him with all my heart and he touched my life in profound ways- just like your baby touched your life.
   
   As you go through the days, please be gentle to yourself and know you are perfectly normal for grieving, remembering and missing your precious baby.
   
   I'm always here for you. Please come back whenever you want.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Saturday, June 13, 2009 06:20:14

   Shay King says:
   

   I was Twelve weeks pregnant when i had my miscarriage. The baby had only made it to six weeks. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I lost the baby at home in the guest bathroom on the toilet. It didn't really hit me until i was washing the blood away in the shower. I just looked up and noticed i was crying. Its been six days and i cant sleep, i have horrible headaches, and i have stopped talking to Jayce's( the lost baby) father completely. I don't want to get addicted to sleeping pills, but i don't know what else to do.

   Saturday, June 13, 2009 23:41:34

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Shay,
   I am so sorry for your loss and for the trauma of losing your baby in the bathroom. That's so much for you to carry and I think, and this is only my opinion, you went into a sort of numb state and then the reality hit. When it did, it hit hard. When I miscarried, it wasn't at home, but many women here have lived what you did. They lost their babies in their own home and the memory acts like a nightmare. It would do the same to me.
   
   There's also the strain between you and your baby's father. I don't know what the circumstances are, but at a time like this what you need, no matter where it comes from, is loving support. I wish you had that and whatever I can offer you comes from my heart. It's not the same, and it doesn't take away the pain. But, I'm here, as are the countless numbers of women who have lived through the grief, pain, trauma, isolation, fear and suffering miscarriage leaves in its wake.
   
   Speaking from one human being to another, I don't want to see you addicted to sleeping pills, either. I don't want you to head in some kind of terrible, downward spiral. That's why I'm gently suggesting you talk this out with someone. Your doctor or a grief counselor may work for you. I'd start with your doctor. There's no shame in sharing your feelings, your pain, with someone who can help you ride out this storm. And, it is indeed a storm.
   
   With all storms comes and ending, bringing with it the sun. However, weathering the storm is key. We all need help sometimes.
   
   You have every right to grieve and to feel whatever it is you're feeling right now. Miscarriage is a real loss and sometimes we don't realize just how much we loved our babies until we lose them. Many times, women are surprised to find out they're pregnant and need time to adjust their whole mindset to the idea of having a baby. When this finally happens, or even if it doesn't, a miscarriage closes the door so fiercly. We're left standing there thinking, "Wait. I was just getting used to the idea of being pregnant. I was just starting to believe it would all work out and I was beginning to see myself as a mother one day."
   
   Then, the rug is ripped from under your feet and so often we withdraw into this dark place within ourselves.
   
   It's a scary place to be. It keeps us up at night. We question ourselves and try to figure out if there was anything we could have done to have prevented losing our baby.
   
   Your miscarriage wasn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. It happened and it's so lousy. Now, it is your time to heal and healing takes time. One moment at a time. Please treat yourself gently. Allow yourself the time you need to heal, talk it out, grieve, let the tears fall.
   
   Those tears make room for healing to enter your life. Believe me, I've cried them, too and my heart goes out to you.
   
   I hope you're able to see your doctor and find a way to get the rest you need. I hope things somehow resolve between you and the baby's father in whatever way they're supposed to.
   
   You are not walking this path alone, although I know it feels like you are. I am here for you as are the others here.
   
   I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Love, Light and Healing to you,
   
   Ellen

   Sunday, June 14, 2009 09:59:40

   kim says:
   

   I just found your site and have been reading everyones stories.
   I recently had a miscarriage just over 2 months ago at just 9 weeks. I just cant seem to get over it, everyday i go through my pregnancey which i didnt know about untill i was told i was already miscarrying and wonder what i done wrong. I wish i got the chance to atleast feel being pregnant and so many of my friends are pregnant and i just cant stop crying thinking how are they having healthy pregnanceys and i couldnt last just 9 weeks. I cant sleep at night from just imagining what it would have been like if i atleast knew and would have changed my ways at the weekends.
   I want to speak to somebody about it but i dont know who or what to say. My friends have never had one so they dont know how it feels and i think their just thinking get over it. I feel like life isnt worth living as i dont want another baby i just want the one i had as another one wont replce it and theres nothing i can do, please help.

   Thursday, June 18, 2009 19:20:28

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Kim,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss. I knew how heartbroken you feel and being surrounded by friends who are pregant seems to add salt to your wound. I felt the very same way when I miscarried and found out my friend was pregnant on that very day. It was almost too much to take, but I tried to be happy for her. Even smiling when I congratulated her was tough.
   
   Whether you know you're pregnant or not, feel the symptoms or not, miscarriage is a very real loss and right now you're grieving. Grief is somethat that sadly, you must feel in order to begin your healing.
   
   I understand the world 'healing' probably sounds impossible right now. Through your tears you find it so hard to wrap your brain, so to speak, around the notion that you'll ever feel any better. I was there, so I truly understand.
   
   No baby will replace the one you lost, just like nobody could ever replace you. We are all special and unique, as was your baby. Right now is a time for grieving because you suffered a real loss. Your miscarriage left you feeling like, perhaps you somehow failed or caused it. Do you feel this way? If you do, please try with everything you are to believe your miscarriage was not your fault.
   
   I know my words don't ease your pain, but I am here and support you, validate your loss and want you know how I cried so many tears for quite some time after my miscarriage. I didn't know I had so many. Nothing in this world looked the same to me. It was like walking around with a dark cloud over my head and just getting through the day was a struggle.
   
   Kim, your life is worth living and I want to gently suggest that talking this out with someone- a counselor, clergy, someone you trust who will LISTEN could help you right now. You feel you don't have your friends to turn to because most of them are pregnant. I understand that. But, there are people out there who care and who can gently guide you as you get through this time of sadness.
   
   There may come a day when you find yourself pregnant, if that's what you want. I know your heart will never, ever forget the baby you lost. I also know you will love this baby with all your being.Right now, the road you walk is one of healing and thoughts of pregnancy may consume you. Either the ending of your recent one, or the beginning of new pregnancy. I thought about my son in Heaven all the time, yet, even while grieving, wished to be pregnant. I wanted to turn back the hands of time and still be pregant with the baby I lost or get pregant again. It didn't happen for me and I see now it's because I needed to grieve my loss and heal. And yes, it was terrible.
   
   My faith carried me and I don't know what your beliefs are. However, please ask for help from whatever name you call God- if it feels comfortable for you. We are all different. Do what comes from your heart.
   
   People ask me what caused me to write a book on miscarriage and start this website. It was pain just like yours. Raw, gut ripping pain and tears. I felt alone, like nobody on this planet understood me and didn't know where to turn. I had a great family and friends, yet I walked this earth as if there were a bubble around me, nobody could penetrate, made of deep, deep sadness. I can sense the same about you through your words.
   
   You can always come back here and share your feelings. Know you are heard, loved, cared for and understood by not only me, but all the other women and their families who have posted their feelings here. No, we're not in person, but I do hold you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   When the time feels right, if it does, you may want to hold a memorial service for your baby. Something as simple as a letter, a balloon you set free into the air, or planting a special tree or flower to honor your baby's short stay with you, may help bring some closure. I know you'll never forget- that would be impossible. But, over time, and it's different for all of us, you will begin to feel like you again and the tears won't fall as hard or as often. During this time, please reach out if you need to. There's no shame in it. You're a woman grieving her child, surrounded by pregnant women. That's a lot to handle.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and ask the angels to head your way. Please let me know how you're doing.
   
   Love, Light and Healing to you,
   
   Ellen

   Friday, June 19, 2009 05:53:09

   Debbie says:
   

   Hi Ellen
   
   Last week I realised that it has been 1 year since my miscarriage. Like so many other experiences shared I was almost 12 weeks pregnant when I learned of my miscarriage. I remember when we concieved, our excitement because we both have fertility issues, and sharing with our families was such a joy. My sister was also pregnant and due the same day as me and my sister in law was due 6 weeks before me. So it was an exciting time for all of us to share together. Leading up to finding out, I had felt that something was not quite right but had not wanted to admit to myself that that was possible. On Sunday 8th June I finally told my husband that I thought that something was not right, my step kids were over for the weekend so I said that we should go to the hospital after he had dropped them home.
   
   We went to the hospital and the scan showed that there was no heartbeat. We had to return the next day to have it confirmed as there was only one person working who could do the scan. So we returned to hear the news all over again.
   
   I decided I wanted to have a D&C to give me closure and the opportunity to move on. But they did not clear everything and I had to go back for a second one. This had a huge impact on my body and left me very ill, I developed pleurisy. My grandmother then died two weeks after my miscarriage.
   
   I felt so much pain and loss and unworthiness to be a mother, I could not even carry my baby to 12 weeks. My husband was also affected greatly by the miscarriage. We both locked ourselves up inside our house together for two weeks. Rarely going out or talking to anyone else. It was important for us to share our grief together on our own without anyone else.
   
   My sister and sister in law both went on to have beautiful, healthy boys. And while I am happy for them and adore their boys, sometimes I feel sad about my own loss when I think about them.
   
   At first we started trying to get pregnanat again straight away. But over time I developed a fear of getting pregnant and did everything to avoid it. 'I'm ovulating so no sex' became a monthly occurance as I avoided the possibility of going through the pain again.
   
   My husband has been wonderful, as have my workplace, friends and family. But this does not stop the pain. Recently my sisters and I went out for dinner which lead to a lot of sharing, my sister told me about her guilt at having a healthy baby when I lost mine. I wish she wouldn't feel guilty. It was not my time. This ended up with my other sister holding me trying to get me to say that I deserved to be a mum... but I couldn't say it at first. The words would not come out. Eventually I could, and it felt scary to say.
   
   I have decided to go to counselling to help me with my grief and fear of loosing another baby. While I do not succumb to the pain and tears as often as I did a year ago the pain still feels as strong. We have an appointment with a fertility clinic in August and I want to be ready to start trying again before we go.
   
   I am starting to hope again that we will get pregnant, loosely monitoring my ovulation and doing the right things to get pregnant. I know it will not happen until we both are ready. My husband even had a dream about me holding our baby, very tired but extremely happy.
   
   I know it is a journey, and I don't think I will ever forget my little one and the pain I felt at loosing her. But each day I make steps to accept the loss and the pain that goes with it and know that I cannot force or hurry it. I am very lucky that I have two wonderful step children that I have a great relationship with. I love them dearly.
   
   I look forward to holding our new baby... whenever we are lucky enough to have one.
   
   Thank you for your website and the opportunity to share my story.

   Friday, June 19, 2009 07:19:35

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Debbie,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss and with anniversary dates, come those memories that sting. I know you've a long way on your journey towards healing, but sometimes the tears fall and it's okay. I still cry sometimes today- and we're talking seventeen years. Nothing like before, of course, but every now and again somethings triggers the tears.
   
   On top of the loss of your baby, you lost your Grandmother two weeks later. This time of year is a bit rough for you and I certainly see why. You began grieving the loss of your child and your Grandmother. My heart goes out to you.
   
   Your sisters and husband sound wonderfully supportive. To have one of them tell you how much you deserve to be a mother is a beautiful thing. You began saying it to yourself, and I know didn't believe it at first or found it to be scary to say. You may still have fear and again, at the risk repeating myself, so many women are scared to become pregnant after a miscarriage because who in the world would want to live through that kind of pain again? However, the joy I pray you will live will far outweigh the pain someday.
   
   Seeing a grief counselor is a excellent 'gift' to give yourself. Someone who will gently guide through whatever grief issues and fears you have will help you in so many ways. Grieving is never easy and you're right in that we all have our own time frame- we can't hurry it. I know you want to be 'in the right place' when you and your husband go the fertility clinic. I believe seeing a grief counselor will put you where you need to be and much of it has to do with your will to get there. Your conviction about wanting to be ready before starting again, before trying to get pregnant again, is healthy and strong. I'm not a counselor, but that's how I see it- woman to woman- friend to friend- heart to heart.
   
   You know, as time passes and you continue on your journey through life, I don't imagine you'll ever forget the precious baby you lost. There will always be a place in your heart for your baby, just as there is mine and millions of others. People sometimes think healing means forgetting and just like you'll never forget your Grandmother, your baby touched your life and the love that formed between the two you of, or three with your husband, will live on.
   
   I stress so often the healing and forgetting aren't the same thing. It is possible to heal, and impossible to forget. I my remember my son, I am now in a place where I can help other women because he came and and stayed with me for far too brief a time- but, boy did he change my life. I will always love him.
   
   You will always love your baby who is in Heaven, and the one or more than one you will hold someday.
   
   I want to thank you for sharing your story with all of us. It is one of hope and healing, fear and taking chances, letting go but not forgetting, and moving forward after weathering the storm.
   
   I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Love, Light and many Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Saturday, June 20, 2009 07:53:11

   Lauren says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   
   It's been a while since I wrote here. This Lauren, I had a miscarriage when I was 16. It had been almost two years since it happened. I've been really bad off lately. I have gotten therapy and help and stuff like that, but it doesn't help much. I got a support group, but it doesn't help much. I started picking up all these hobbies like playing piano and such, but it doesn't help much.
   
   I really don't know what to write. I've been feeling the same amount of pain for a very long time. I've been feeling it so long, but now I'm starting not to feel anything at all. Just blankness, and complete despondency. I feel like it's just the same sad story over and over again. I feel like the advice is the same over and over again. It all sounds the same after a while, anyway. I think the more repetitive everything gets, the more hopeless I feel.
   
   I miss my baby. That's the only thought that goes on in my head. I haunt myself with it. i can't help it. It's just always there.
   
   I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so lonely. I'm so sad all the time. I explode everytime a little thing goes wrong. And people think I'm insane when I start crying about the most seemingly meaningless things. But, when all the major things in my life deteriorate, I really need the little things to work out.
   
   Please. Help me. Please. I need some inspiration, because I'm floundering.

   Wednesday, July 01, 2009 10:34:19

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Lauren,
   
   I remember you, what you've shared, how deeply your miscarriage changed your life and how much you miss your baby. You know how sorry I am for your loss- straight from the heart. I am also sorry you feel caught in your struggle to get out from under the cloud that feels like it's over your head each day.
   
   Floundering. I know the feeling well. I know what it's like to go on with your life after miscarriage and every, single day feel like no matter what, you can't shake the ache inside. It's sad, scary, and frustrating, too. I think the only way to really connect with you on this is to share some more about my own experiences in this life- about my miscarriage, the struggle to overcome the cloud, or whether I even did.
   
   I feel compelled to quote someone. I heard this in one of my Dr. Wayne Dyer audio books, which I listen to so often: "Change the way you look at things, and things you look at change."
   
   It's been seventeen years since I miscarried. My son would have been eighteen years old this November- right around Thanksgiving. Many people may think because I wrote a book and have this website, I'm completely 'over' or 'healed' from my miscarriage.

   Thursday, July 02, 2009 05:58:29

   Ellen says:
   

   I'm not, Lauren. I still feel. I still cry and miss my son. I still wonder what life would be like with him in it- not in the spiritual sense, but in the physical. I know his spirit is around, alive. I feel his energy when I think about him, or now as I am writing to you.
   
   He, my son and all the pain I went through after losing him to miscarriage, is my inspiration. He is the very reason I can write to you at this moment and offer my heart, my empathy and say to you there was a reason for my miscarriage on my journey through life. Ouch. If you said that to me many years ago, I would have wondered what you were talking about. But, now I know. I know that Alex came into my life briefly and powerfully to place my feet upon this path. He, (Alex), is the reason MiscarriageHelp.com exists and why I Never Held You was written. By experiencing the lesson of loss through him, I found myself, many years later, needing to reach out to others. I couldn't shake it. I had to do something with all the pain, the years of struggle, the knowing.
   
   Now, just like you're consumed with your miscarriage and the loss of your baby, I am consumed with adoption. I think about it all the time and when I view it as something I don't have, rather than something that will happen, I get very lost in the apparent hopelessness of it all. It's then I know I must change my thinking because if I don't, I will keep attracting more of the situation I'm in.
   
   I'm putting myself out there at the risk of sounding a bit "flaky" to you because you're worth it. So please stay with me for a minute.
   
   Instead of my thinking about how much I want to adopt and how afraid I am that it won't happen, that I'll never be a mother, that this pain won't ever go away, I have to shift my thinking to something completely opposite. Why? Because I believe thoughts are energy and they are like little magnets. We attract more of what we're thinking because the Universe just gives to us whatever we are sending out. So, I say to myself, "I'll never adopt. I'm getting too old or my fiance is or, or, or..." Guess what? I haven't adopted yet. Wow. I look at the years of waiting. I review all the 'issues' that prevented us from getting the ball rolling and how much pain I've been in for so long in my aching need to be a mother- to give a child who needs a home a home full of love. Wow, I say again. I've lived with this cloud over my head thinking about lack, specifically, the lack of a child in my life to call me Mommy and guess what? I don't have that child in my life. Years of thinking a certain way, and yes, circumstances which have now resolved themselves, actually drew to me exactly what I didn't want- instead of what I did.

   Thursday, July 02, 2009 05:58:47

   Ellen says:
   

   I'm sharing this with you because you said you needed inspiration. I don't know if this is inspiring. I don't know if it'll help, but something inside of me, actually very late last night, said to write about this to you. You've heard it all- but, I don't know if you've ever looked at the way you think attracting more of what you don't want into your life and how by shifting your thinking to what you do want, you attract that which you desire most.
   
   It's not magic. It's not a mystery. It's faith. It's believing we are what we think and there's a Divine plan for all of us. It's about our thoughts being so much more powerful than we give them credit for.
   
   You have every right to feel pain, grief, lonliness, isolation, fear, sadness. You went through something terrible- you miscarried your baby. Of course you hurt so please don't think it's abnormal. You are not abnormal at all...you're stuck. You're stuck in a world where the more you think about your loss, lack, and pain, the more it seems to come into your life and remain. God, I'm the queen of that so believe me, I really know what I'm talking about here.
   
   I hope this makes some sense. I pray my words aren't some sort of mish-mash of random thoughts that are like a puzzle with missing pieces. I'm sharing this with you because, like I mentioned before, I truly feel compelled to.
   
   So, using my life as an example, I say to myself, "Ellen. Change your thinking. Stop attracting the very thing you don't want in your life and start attracting what you DO want into your life." Okay, sounds good, but how? HOW?

   Thursday, July 02, 2009 05:59:15

   Ellen says:
   

   Again, I'm going to quote Dr. Wayne Dyer here: "You can grieve and still live."
   
   You see, I'd never ask you to not feel. That'd be impossible and very unrealistic. It's only been two years since you miscarried, and you experience this terrible loss at such a young age- 16. What you relate to being 16 is loss, pain, nobody 'getting you', feeling isolated, and living with a constant ache inside. You're probably near 18 now and still feel the same. Yet, nearly two years have passed and I would venture to say that even though you don't feel like you've grown at all since your miscarriage, you have. You don't see it yet just like I didn't see it two years, three years, four and more, after my miscarriage.
   
   One day, my thinking changed and so did the things I saw. My heart and soul will always be connected to and miss my son. But, one day I was inspired due to the pain I went through. I was at the kitchen table and the feeling that overtook me was so strong. So powerful I couldn't let it go. My thoughts went from focusing on all my pain to focusing on what I could do with it to help others. Just like that. I knew I had to write about my journey through the darkness after miscarriage and how I survived it. A couple of years later, I knew I had to write even more about it and then was blessed with meeting Dr. Linda Backman- online. She ended up writing the forword and several commentaries in my book. Was it mere chance? No. My thoughts shifted to reaching out even more and I was given exactly what I needed to do it. The expertise of Dr. Backman was dropped into my lap- literally.

   Thursday, July 02, 2009 05:59:38

   Ellen says:
   

   So here we are, three years after my book and this website came out. Hundreds of women, just like you and me, have shared their pain, have connected, have found comfort in knowing they are not alone and that's helped them on their own journey through the rubble left after miscarriage. It's not about me- it's about a calling in my life I couldn't ignore and when it happened, I had a choice. I could stay where I was in thought, because thoughts create our reality, or how we 'see things', or I could take my adversity and pain and turn it around into something positive. It doesn't change the fact I lived it. It doesn't bring my baby back. It doesn't prevent those days when I miss him so much I want to cry again- even all these years later. What it does change is life- my own and the lives of others who just need to vent, share, connect- not feel so lost. Lost like I did after my own miscarriage when I went on a quest to find something, anything, to help me and came up empty handed.
   
   One thing I do every day is thank God for the day. I'm not preaching. Your beliefs are your own. However, when I get up, before my feet even hit the floor, I thank God for the day. I don't know what it's going to bring and it doesn't matter if it's rainy, sunny, hot or cold. I have this day and I am thankful for it. Even if I'm sad, or had an argument that's still unresolved and my heart aches from it. I give thanks for the day because it's a new day. It's my day and your day and everyone's day and what an amazing gift to be given. Then, I take my dog out and look around. I thank God again for all that is, for the day, for my cute, little dog and being blessed to have him in my life again, this day.
   
   Later, something may trigger me, as it did yesterday, to sink into this pit of despair. I've been with my fiance for fourteen years this fall and we have not adopted yet. It's so easy to think..."It'll never happen. He's too old. I've waited long enough. I'll never be a mother.I'm getting too old." Guess what? Those have been my thoughts, in-between those moments when I realized I had to change my thinking and give it all to God. I'm proof positive that your thoughts become your reality. I mean, look at me. Do I have a child in this house as I've dreamed? No. Why? I got to a point where I didn't believe it would happen. Who wouldn't after all these years of waiting, longing, etc.?
   
   Well, it's not easy but changing my thoughts IS easier than remaining the same. I'm not in denial. I'm saying out loud to God, the universe, to the angels and to myself- "The right child will come into my life at the right time." I have to believe that. I have to change my thoughts to attract what I want into my life, instead of more of what I don't. And let me tell you, it's hard at first- very. That's why I reach out for help through wonderful people like Dr. Wayne Dyer, (look into him if you feel it's right for you), and more. I need some guidance. I have plenty of faith but get lost and need help being pointed in the right direction.
   
   I am ready to change my thinking and am getting ready, or building my bridges, for the day my dreams of adoption come true. I'd rather think, "I am so grateful for this wonderful child entering my life at the right time. Thank you." I'm clearing out a room that I've actually envisioned being his or her bedroom and am trying, with all I am, to live with active faith. That means living and believing you've already received what you desire instead of thinking about the lack of your dreams and desires.
   
   You're a journey and I'm not going to pad it by saying it's an easy one. We both know it's not. You have a purpose in this life and right now, you can't really see beyond your pain. I couldn't either. It took time, life, healing, growing. All these things will happen to you- they are happening to you, as I write this. Sadly, a part of growth is pain. I think that's where the term 'growing pains' came from, as far as I can guess. My journey has not been without pain, nor has anyone else's I know.
   
   It's what we do, when we're ready, with the pain. Do we get up after the fall, or do we succumb and remain in a place that's so uncomfortable we barely recognize our lives, or ourselves, anymore?
   
   Again, I hope just an tiny part of this brings out your own truth. I pray this fragmented bunch of thoughts somehow fit together and make some sense to you and offer some sort of hope, help...inspiration.
   
   I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please let me know how you are.
   
   Love, Light and Healing,
   Ellen

   Thursday, July 02, 2009 05:59:48

   Riley says:
   

   I am 26 years old, married for 2 years, and I miscarried twins at the end of April, 2009. It was our first pregnancy and we were really excited. Things were going well until we went in to hear the heartbeat and found that there two babies and they weren't growing. After about two weeks of tests and no progression, I opted for a D&C. On June 8 (conception against Dr's orders) I had another positive pregnancy test and HCG levels showed that I had an early pregnancy that was not viable. The Dr. said I probably had a fertilized egg that couldn't implant b/c I wasn't healed from the D&C. He now says to wait until the beginning of August to try again.
   
   I felt like I went through the grieving process, spent my nights awake, cried until there were no tears, and healed most of my broken heart. Now, in the last 2 weeks, I feel sad, lack of motivation, fear (SO MUCH FEAR), guilt. I sleep all the time. I know I'm depressed, but why now? I have obsessive thoughts/fears about not being able to have a child. I feel lonely. But most of all, I don't want this 'depression' about the past to affect my chances of conceiving in the future. I want to live normally until we conceive again. But there is always a nagging thought in the back of my head saying, "What if you can't?" I know people get through it all the time, but I don't know how I'd get through it if I am unable to have a baby. And it is not at all comforting to hear someone tell me that I could always adopt. As selfish as it sounds, I just want my own child.

   Wednesday, July 08, 2009 03:16:12

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Riley,
   I am so sorry for your losses. I know you feel like you've grieved, and I think you have. I also see why you're fearful of another pregnancy. Additionaly, and this is just my opinion, you're still grieving. In such a short time span, you had two miscarriages. That's a lot on your plate.
   
   I was a lot like you after I miscarried. I cried so often I wondered where the tears were coming from. I walked around in this 'shocked state'- feeling like my life wasn't 'real'. It was terrible.
   
   After about a month or so, I felt myself starting to slip. Although the tears were still falling, there weren't as many. But, I began to sink into what I now know was a depression. The days were something I just 'got through'. Finding joy in anything was so difficult for me. I became consumed with losing my child and couldn't stop thinking about him, or having another one.
   
   You are not alone in your feelings. I know it doesn't take away any of your pain. What I hope it does is provide you with some reassurance that you're not abnormal at all. I hope you feel you can connect with/relate to the women & their families who have walked the isolating, sad road after miscarriage. There is some comfort there, but I understand your walk is your own and getting through this time is what counts the most.
   
   Have you talked to your doctor about any of this? I'd gently suggest you do so. I had to because I thought I was losing it. I wasn't, but I still felt like I was.
   
   Time is something you probably don't want to hear about right now, but I can tell you that time is what you need. Time to heal, grieve, mourn your children. I also think, woman to woman, you may need some answers about conceiving in the future- or at least have your fears about getting pregnant addressed/discussed. I know your doctor said you can try again in August, but that doesn't do anything to relieve your fear. At least I don't think it does. You've lived through two losses in a very short period of time. Who wouldn't be afraid?
   
   It's one thing for me to say, "Please give your fear to God, or whatever you are comfortable with calling God, and trust that the right thing will happen for you at the right time." It's another to do it. When you right in the middle of a time like this, it's so difficult to connect with that statement. I understand. That's why I think talking things out with a doctor, counselor, etc., would be helpful. Just something I'm tossing your way- you'll know if it's right for you. Getting it ALL out there to someone who only has your best interest at heart and doesn't know you can be extremely helpful. There is not judgment. There is no history with this person, (a counselor). There are two people- you and a counselor who only knows the you that's right there in front of him or her. I found it made it easier to say everything because there were no ties. Everything was between my counselor and I, and I was gently guided- not told what to do, etc. Again, something I'm throwing out for you to consider. That's all.
   
   You may want to have your own, special memorial for your three babies. Planting a tree in their honor, setting some balloons into the air with "I love you" written on them, or whatever feels right in your heart may give you some of the closure you need. I waited SO long to do this....seventeen years. But, when I finally did, and it was through this website helping ME that I learned to do this, I felt a sense of relief and release inside. It was as if I'd finally done something to say to myself, my baby, and the world that my baby was very real, I loved him with all my heart, and he touched my life deeply- no matter that nobody ever saw or held him. I loved him and that's what mattered.
   
   When someone says, "You could always adopt", they are not validating your loss, rather, they're suggesting an alternative. Adoption is for some and not for others. Right now, you're in a place where you want to have a child through giving birth to your child. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing to feel guilty about. I'd like it, too, but time's passed, it hasn't happened, and adoption is for me. But, I felt differently about it when I was 25/26 and living through the pain of miscarriage. I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby. Period.
   
   Please let me know how you're doing. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Go with your gut regarding the counseling. You'll know if it's right for you. Most importantly, give yourself the time you need to grieve and heal. It's different for all of us.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings,
   Ellen

   Wednesday, July 08, 2009 06:53:50

   lost says:
   

   I lost my twins 4 years ago when I was 18 and I can't get over it. I lost one very early on b4 I even had a scan and so at the time I didn't know it was twins and was really confused as I was bleeding but was not in any pain. I took another pregnancy test which was still positive so went to the doctors about the bleeding. I had a scan and to my delight saw my baby still there! ...the doctor then told me I had had twins and one has passed, the other was still there which was who I could see on the screen...but there was no heartbeat. I had a d&c 3 weeks later. My family don't know any of this ever happened. Some of my friends knew but weren't supportive in the slightest. My partner at the time couldn't have cared less and my partner now, caring as he is, does not know how to help me even though he'd like to. I have moved on with my life, I went to uni, got a degree and have a good job as a result. But I can't get over what happened, things just aren't right and I am still reduced to tears after conversations related to babies or pregnancy. The last straw was when last week my friend at work announced she was pregnant. The last scan picture I saw was my own and it was all too much. I can't cope and have spent more hours in the toilets crying than I have actually doing my job ever since her news. I can't bare to be around her and I have started resenting her everytime she talks about her morning sickness, apetite, weight gain!! What do I do? It has been too long for me not to be ok.

   Thursday, July 16, 2009 15:09:10

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Lost,
   
   I am so sorry for your losses. I just want to say that even though four years have gone by, I wouldn't knock yourself for feeling the pain you do. When my oldest niece was pregnant, she asked me if I wanted to go to her ultrasound. I froze up inside, and it'd been twelve years since I miscarried. But, the last ultrasound I saw was my own and so all these memories came flooding back and I was afraid. I was afraid I'd break down, lose it, whatever, in front of my niece and I didn't want to take away from her joy.
   
   I went. I made it. I was okay- until I got in my car and was alone. Then the tears fell...like rain.
   
   So please know you're not 'abnormal' for feeling as you do. I don't really know what normal is. You didn't have the support of your family when you miscarried, (twice), and that's something I did have. You must have felt so alone, and on top of it, your friends weren't there for you. How sadly isolating that must have been.
   
   It seems like so much of your grief, grief you may have buried just to get through "life" after both miscarriages, is coming out now. I know this feeling. I know how triggers, like pregnant women, friends, whomever, can cause a sudden wave of tears. Your pain surfaces and needs to come out. I believe it comes out in the form of tears, stress, anxiety and a host of other ways.
   
   You miss your babies and never got the chance to take comfort from anyone when you lost them. I don't think you ever got the chance to grieve, because if you did, everyone, (your family), would know what you were keeping secret.
   
   You don't have to keep anything secret. You suffered a very real loss and now it's eating away at you. I'm not saying the pain will go away completely by talking it out, sharing, coming here. But, this is a beginning for you. A step, if you will, in your journey towards healing. Simply sharing what you have is a big deal. It's a piece of your heart you've kept hidden for so long and I hate to think of you hurting for all this time- suffering in silence.
   
   Your partner wants to be there and doesn't know how. That happens a lot. The most important thing he can do is listen to you. If he realizes your loss was very real, you need to get through this, he needs to be patient- it'll help you so much. He may not know exactly how you feel, but just the mere act of understanding goes such a long way. You're going to have days that are better than others. On the days when you just feel like having a meltdown at home, and he's around, I pray he does the best he can to accept where you are emotionally and that you're finally getting the support you needed four years ago from him. It's like reliving the entire, sad experience of miscarriage again. Let him know that, if you're comfortable with it.
   
   I don't know if you've ever considered:
   -Having a memorial for your babies. Something as simple as two balloons set free into the sky with "I love you" written on them.
   -Talking things out with a counselor to get the guidance you may need from someone who doesn't know you and can give you some tools to make the healing process a bit easier.
   -Wearing a special necklace, bracelet, whatever you like, for your babies. I do. I have a miscarriage bracelet on right now for the son, my Alex, who I lost seventeen years ago. I also have wonderful silver heart with baby footprints on it I wear all the time, under clothing, over clothing, whenever. I am expecting a new miscarriage pendant to come from a wonderful woman who makes them. I'll wear that...you can bet, and it's been, as I said, seventeen years.
   
   These are ways I say to myself, and to the world if they ask about my bracelet or necklaces, "I miscarried a baby, my baby, my son...and loved him very much. He was real and I'll never forget him."
   
   I hope something I've said helps. Know you are always welcome here I will always listen. Please let me know how you're doing.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings,
   Ellen

   Friday, July 17, 2009 13:16:07

   Lauren says:
   

   Dear Ellen
   
   I was talking to my ex boyfriend. He's going off to college in the fall, and we've been working through some stuff lately. We have been on and off since I lost the baby two years ago. He got very upset and he said that he hated the baby. That the baby broke me, and he wishes that the baby was never conceived. This hurt me a lot.
   
   It wasn't just my baby. It was his baby too. I realize that I was very young to have a child. But, this was a baby. Why does nobody care? The baby was my parent's grandchild. And my best friends godchild. This was a person. A living person who had the potential to bring love into our lives. Why doesn't anybody else care that it's gone.

   Sunday, July 26, 2009 20:04:43

   Ellen says:
   

   I am so sorry...for your loss, your struggles- all of it. I hope you know that by now. I feel like I've gotten to know you- your heart & soul. Speaking of heart and soul- you are full of love. So much love for your baby that you still miss your child very much. I get it. I understand. I get it because I've lived it and I think those who don't quite 'get' where you're coming from see YOU, and only you, not the love you carry with you for your child. It's my feeling, call it a gut a feeling, that those around you love you very much but see a young woman who has, perhaps, not lived up to their expectations because they never really saw your need to grieve...and heal. So, they may resent your baby. I'm not saying this is right at all. Actually, I'm trying not to pigeon-hole anyone because I'm not there, and even if I were, everyone's perception, everyone's truth is their own. It does not mean, however, everyone else's truths have to become yours. You have your own truth and I sense you are healing and moving on. But, you still feel and wonder why others don't see, or even try to see your truth. I can't say. What I know is that so many of us who have miscarried feel our grief is dismissed. We feel our loss, our baby, is not viewed as a baby at all. In your case, because you were so young when you miscarried, you probably got the feeling that others were 'relieved' when you miscarried. Oh, that's sad because it's very clear how much you needed support. Plain and simple. Just some love, understanding, validation of your loss. Sweeping it under the rug and expecting you to just 'go on and forget about it' actually caused you greater pain. I don't think anyone did this on purpose, but awareness of miscarriage and its fallout is SO important and your situation is a perfect example of why this is so. If people only knew! You've probably said that to yourself a thousand times. I am sorry for this. We are all, through sharing our feelings, doing something about it. We are, word by word, step by step, tear by tear, creating the awareness that miscarriage is not just a medical 'event'- it's the loss of a baby. You are right: Miscarriage is the loss of a child, a grandchild, a niece, a nephew, son, daughter, godchild. And you, as that baby's mother, has every right to grieve, feel, heal. Now, I don't think your boyfriend meant to be....gosh, mean? But, he was. I can't excuse what he said to you. However, who am I to judge? My guess is that he wishes this never happened to you, (your miscarriage), because he saw how much pain it caused you and how it changed you. He doesn't know how to deal with it now and didn't back when it happened. I wish it were different.

   Monday, July 27, 2009 19:01:53

   Ellen says:
   

   (continued to Lauren)
   I wish my husband were supportive after I miscarried, too. I heard, "Why don't you grow up and get over it?" the day after my D&C. Do I forgive him? Yes. He didn't know what to do, what say. Do I think it was right? No. As I look back through clearer eyes, I see he was man with a brain who loved me and saw I was hurting. Why did that translate into him saying what he did? Words hurt and I hope people become acutely aware of this. For example: I remember my ex-husband saying what he did to me after my miscarriage more than I remember most of the 'normal' conversations we ever had. It hurt. His words were damaging, whether intended or not and sadly, that's what I remember. Just like you with your family, friends and boyfriend.
   Now, I've got to get into some sort of upside to this so I don't sound negative or like I'm blaming anyone for anything....and this is where a sense of self is so important. You own your feelings and have every right to feel them. You cannot control how others feel, respond, etc. I've been and I'd venture to say we all have. For as much as you wish you could change the world around you and how they see things, you can only begin with you. Others can begin with themselves. When you try to force, (I know this first-hand), the way you see things upon another to get a different reaction, you often end up setting yourself up for more hurt. That doesn't mean you should stop expressing yourself. But, it does mean, at least I think it does, that you can't rely on support that never was there to get you through this. God, that's hard to say and I know it's a terrible way to feel. Remember there are people who care about how you feel and how you're doing as you heal. I know it would help to have someone close to you who's just 'there' to listen and care. It's almost like people get sick of hearing about your miscarriage, how much you miss your baby, etc., and they begin to resent the whole situation. So, please, for your own good, talk to those who do care and will support you and be there when you need them. Time will tell. Time will heal. But time will never erase the stamp your baby left upon your heart. As you move through life, I pray you will find strength out of all the adversity you've been living for the past couple of years. I pray you take your strength and use it, in whatever way is right, to be the one you need so much right now. Take your time and see where your path leads you- and know I am always here to listen and offer whatever I can.
   
   Love, Light and Healing to you- Ellen

   Monday, July 27, 2009 19:02:11

   dawn says:
   

   My story is long, but I hope you will listen. When I had my son in 1994, we were broke. I had my tubes tied. In 2001, we had them reversed. We tried everything to get pregnant, and it didn't happen. We finally gave up in 2008, and accepted it as our fate.
   In May of 2009, I became pregnant. We were so happy. I am diabetic, so we were going to the dr every week. At 7 weeks, we had an ultrasound (vaginally) and heard the heartbeat. Everything was good. I came home, framed the picture, and showed anyone and everyone. Every week I continued to see the doctor. This last Saturday, I started cramping, not hard cramps, similiar to having to go to the bathroom. Sunday at 1 in the morning, I had light brown bleeding. By 9 am, it was bright red. I went to the doctor and they told me that there was no heartbeat. Somehow I had already known my baby was an angel. My doctor asked if I wanted a d and c or natural. I knew i coudlnt' handle it by myself so I chose a d n c. He told me it would be the following day at 1:00 PM. I went home and within 2 hours, I started to hemmorhage. I got up out of my chair and lost my baby. There was so much blood, I honestly thought I was dying. My husband took me to the hospital and I sat there for almost 8 hours until they took me to surgery. I had my D and C and they had me under, so I didn't know what was going on.
   I cried so hard yesterday, that I don't think I can cry anymore. They have me on medication, but it is masking the pain. I don't really want to talk to anyone..i just want to sleep...at least right now.
   I am 38 years old. My husband is 42. We are going to try again as soon as we can. I have one blocked tube, diabetes, and endometriosis. Our odds are stacked against us. HOwever, I am so blessed with one child, that I know that I am strong enough to deal with whatever is handed to me.
   What I don't understand is why me?? I can honestly say I have done everything that I could do in this world to be a godo person. I taught special education for 18 years. This year I am teaching kindergarten. I know i have a great husband, a great son, and a good life. Why am I so sad?

   Tuesday, July 28, 2009 19:29:08

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Dawn,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss, and for the emotional and physical trauma you've been through.
   
   So many of us would like to know, "Why me?" So many of us live 'good lives', try to do the right things, etc. I wish I had the answers...all I can say is it's my belief there are answers to everything, we just don't always know them. I sure didn't after my miscarriage. I also think that even if you had the answers, it wouldn't take away from your pain. The answers wouldn't bring your baby back...so please don't beat yourself up digging for them if you can help it. I did for a while and many years later came to realize I was only hurting myself. Of course, it's only natural to wonder 'why'. We're human...I think we're wired that way.
   
   You do have a blessed life- but, that doesn't mean you don't have the right to be sad or to grieve. You've just lost your baby- a baby you loved from the moment you found out you were pregnant. You've had health obstacles, and still became pregnant. It's like the light was turned on and then switched off so quickly...and there you were, left in the dark after your miscarriage. Again, I am deeply sorry for your loss.
   
   You have given so much of your life to children, and I thank God for people like you. You have a son you love, a great husband, etc. I pray you and your family get the support you need during this time. I know being around children can be so uplifting- I'm a piano teacher and find my students brighten my days without even trying. I hope you find some smiles amidst your tears while on your journey towards healing.
   
   It takes time after a miscarriage to heal, and it's different for all of us. Please allow yourself the time you need. Treat yourself as you would your best friend. I know you want to try to get pregnant again, and your doctor will let you know when it's okay. Your mind, body and spirit all need to heal, and healing comes through nurturing yourself, resting, letting your feelings out- grieving. Perhaps you could write a letter to your baby and read it aloud. Then, set a balloon into the air in honor of your child. I did this and for the first time in seventeen years, felt some closure. Whatever feels right to you...just follow your heart. Maybe you don't want to do anything of the sort and it's ALL okay. I just wanted to toss the idea your way.
   
   I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Your story was not 'long' and every word was worth reading. You can always come back and vent/share some more. It's good to let it out and everyone here knows the pain and struggle you're living.
   
   Blessings, Love and Healing to you,
   Ellen

   Thursday, July 30, 2009 10:14:27

   Maggie says:
   

   I tried so hard to keep you with me. I loved you even though i didn't get to meet you. I cry for you because I truly miss you.
   
   My prescious angel, i've asked God to look out for you now that you're back in his precense. You will never know how much I looked forward to the day that i would hold you. I tried to hold on to you, but at last i had to let you go. It wasn't in God's plans for you and I to meet. However the little time we were together brought so much joy and happyness into my life. Please forgive me if i ever did anything to hurt you, believe me when i say it wasn't intentionally. Now that you're gone i feel soo sad and empty inside. I feel like i failed you.
   
   To me you will always be my second baby, my little angel that never made it to my arms.

   Thursday, July 30, 2009 13:12:21

   Claire says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   compared to many of the womens stories above mine seem's stupid. i am only 16 years old nearly 17 and in january of this year i found out i was pregnant, i knew from day one before taking a HPT because of the symptoms and i just KNEW, i fell in love with my baby there and then, it was unreal. my 19 year old boyfriend went to jail 3 weeks later for unrelated issues. i didnt want a negative result so left it till 1 week later to do a HPT which came back positive. i then booked a doctors appointment for the next day and i lost my baby that same night. id never felt so alone. i went to the doctors the following day as planned but not for the same reason and was spoken to like a stupid child and he basically laughed in my face until i showed him (my underwear) and he finally took me seriously. i told my aunty, my cousin and no-one else, i only told them because i broke down in their house- i do not have a "relationship" with my mom and no longer have one with my dad. months later i still struggle to cope with life. like i said reading the storys of the women above, i feel like i cant compare since my baby was only about 5 weeks. am i stupid for feeling this way? i read storys of women miscarrying at from 7 weeks-near birth and feel guilty for feeling this way. please help me, even now i am struggling to cope.

   Friday, July 31, 2009 18:16:43

   Claire says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   compared to many of the womens stories above mine seem's stupid. i am only 16 years old nearly 17 and in january of this year i found out i was pregnant, i knew from day one before taking a HPT because of the symptoms and i just KNEW, i fell in love with my baby there and then, it was unreal. my 19 year old boyfriend went to jail 3 weeks later for unrelated issues. i didnt want a negative result so left it till 1 week later to do a HPT which came back positive. i then booked a doctors appointment for the next day and i lost my baby that same night. id never felt so alone. i went to the doctors the following day as planned but not for the same reason and was spoken to like a stupid child and he basically laughed in my face until i showed him (my underwear) and he finally took me seriously. i told my aunty, my cousin and no-one else, i only told them because i broke down in their house- i do not have a "relationship" with my mom and no longer have one with my dad. months later i still struggle to cope with life. like i said reading the storys of the women above, i feel like i cant compare since my baby was only about 5 weeks. am i stupid for feeling this way? i read storys of women miscarrying at from 7 weeks-near birth and feel pathetis for feeling this way. please help me, even now i am struggling to cope.

   Friday, July 31, 2009 18:28:31

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Claire,
   
   You story does not seem stupid at all, so please don't say that to yourself. You have had a miscarriage, and it doesn't matter if you're 5 weeks pregnant or 13, it's very devastating, and I am so sorry for your loss.
   
   I'd imagine it's very tough for you because your borfriend is in jail, you don't have a relationship with your parents to speak of, and you're dealing with life as a (nearly) seventeen-year-old. I rememember being seventee. There were so many things to think about, plan for, etc. Here you are feeling very alone in your grief with nobody to talk to. You must feel very overwhelmed.
   
   Your grief is not dismissed. Your loss was very real and you have every right to feel sad. The tears are going to fall, and it's okay. I wish you had someone close to you to talk to. If you are able, maybe you could go to a counselor just to help cope with your miscarriage and the wealth of other things going on in your life. I know I'd need someone to talk to. As a matter of fact, I ended up sitting in a counselor's office about two years after my miscarriage when my husband and I were getting divorced. I thought it was going to be couple's counceling, but he'd made up his mind. So, I remained and talked about all of it- from my miscarriage to my divorce and everything in-between. It did help me and because I didn't know my counselor personally, I felt very free to say whatever I had to. Just tossing the idea your way.
   
   I feel terrible about how your doctor treated you. As if you weren't already in shock and terrified. What you needed was some professional warmth and understanding- not to be laughed at during a crisis. If I were there I would have had a few choice words for whatever doctor you saw, but I don't want to sound too negative here...
   
   Again, you have every right to feel like you do. After my miscarriage, it took a very long time, (I'm talking years), to heal. Yes, it got easier over time, but I certainly had my struggles. It's only been a few months for you so please, be gentle to yourself and realize you need more time. Time for you to heal mentally, physically and spiritually.
   
   When you're ready or if you're ready, you may want to have your own memorial service for your baby. What I mean by this is: Write your baby a letter if you want and read it out loud. Then, set a balloon into the air and watch it fly into the sky. This will give you some of the closure you need. I'm not saying it will take away the pain, but it will probably help you to heal. Healing is different for all of us, and talking things out is very important. I'm sorry you had to find this site, but am grateful you did so you could let some of your feelings out.
   
   I am always here to listen and would like to know how you're doing. Please check back in and I pray there is someone around you who can give you the loving support you need and deserve.
   
   I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Love, Light and Many Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Saturday, August 01, 2009 17:33:34

   Kerry says:
   

   I was 5 weeks pregnant when I started to cramp and then have spotting. I went in for an ultrasound and was told the my uterus was empty as I was. The problem was that my HCG level kept going up so I had to keep going in for blood work. I found out it was an ectopic pregnancy. I am so tired it has now been 4 more weeks and I have had blood work at least twice a week and two rounds of a Chemo injection to get the fetus out. I feel like people think I should be over it by now but I am so angry. Last night I had
   about having a baby girl I am holding her loving her and then I wake up I can see her face so clearly that it feels real. I can't get her face out of my mind. I feel like I am going crazy. I want to get over it but I can't.

   Monday, August 17, 2009 14:03:48

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Kerry,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss. You must be going through an extremely difficult time with all the bloodwork, the Chemo injections, etc. I pray you're doing the best you can and that your body heals along with your mind and spirit. Miscarriage is such a devastating loss and you've got medical complications right now that I know must be terrible.
   
   For those who think you should be over losing your baby by now I say- they are not you and have not suffered your loss. So many times people just don't understand that you loved your baby and lost your baby. People tend to view miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies, etc., as almost a medical event rather than the loss of your child. I believe this is because there was never a baby seen or held. (That's why I titled my book I Never Held You). I mean, I loved my baby just you do and I understand the longing, the pain, the grief, the overall sadness you feel.
   
   You have every right to feel what you do. Nobody can tell you otherwise or dictate how or when you should or shouldn't feel something. It's not their place. What friends and family can do is be supportive. That's all you need right now- support. Nobody can make your journey towards healing and recovery disappear, but they make it easier by being there for you and not placing unrealistic expectations upon you.
   
   Please take the time you need to heal. Each day things change. I know how it feels to bounce around emotionally and it's very draining. What makes it even more so is having to defend your right to grieve. Don't do it. You don't have to. Sadly, you lost your baby and what are you supposed to do? Not grieve? Not feel emptiness right now? What you're going through is heartbreaking.
   
   You are not going crazy. You are a woman who lost her child and is having dreams about her. I dreamt about my baby. I still feel connected to him after all this time. So please don't push yourself or allow others to push you into 'getting over it quickly'. That's just not fair. There is no quick fix, there's time and allowing yourself to feel so you can heal. Healing doesn't mean forgetting. That'd be impossible. There will come a day when you're doing okay and feeling like yourself again. But, to forget your baby and all you've been through would be like asking the impossible.
   
   One day at a time- one moment at a time. That's the only way you can ride this storm of emotion. Your body needs to heal. Your mind needs time to wrap itself around all of this and heal. Your spirit needs to be uplifted and all of you- mind, body and spirit will get through this- in time. I wish I could say when, but it's different for all of us. What I can say is that I hear you and completely empathize with you. So many of us here know how you feel and I ask you to please think about how 'not alone' in this you are. While I know we're not all together in the same room, we are tied by our sad experience of losing our babies to miscarriage. We all know what it's like to love and miss the baby you never held.
   
   Please let me know how you're doing and feel free to come back anytime you want to share, vent, whatever feels right to you.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings,
   Ellen

   Tuesday, August 18, 2009 09:03:20

   Kerry says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   Thank you for your kind words from my post on the 18th. I went and had more blood work yesterday and my HCG level is still 519 it has been weeks and I just want this over. I AM SO TIRED!!!!! mentally and physically. I am taking out on my loved ones and I don't like myself at all. I have to go back next week again and that makes me want to scream. That's what I am doing everyday, maybe not every minute, but everyday I am screaming inside it is starting to slowly kill me inside there is no more smiling inside of me I put on a smile for everyone else but inside there isn't one.

   Wednesday, August 19, 2009 15:43:21

   Ellen says:
   

   Miscarriage: When baby 'things' come in the mail.
   
   I hope today finds you doing well- remember, one day at a time. Actually, one moment at a time.
   
   I remember when baby packages and/or offers used to come in the mail. Even though it'd been many years since my miscarriage, it felt like some sort of cruel joke. I've heard the same here, at Miscarriagehelp.com. Back in 1996, (for some reason that was the big year for me), I received promotional baby mailings that included baby calendars to track my pregnancy, baby books to track my baby's progress through year one, baby coupons for everything from formula to diapers, and more. I even received baby book club membership offerings and notes congratulating me on my new arrival.
   
   Every one of these mailings felt like a stab at my heart. I wasn't pregnant. There was no baby. What were they doing? I realized I fell within a certain 'demographic' and that's why I was receiving all that 'stuff'. I simply had to deal with it.
   
   Lately, it's been happening again, only this time through emails. I 'won' a baby kit. I also was asked to register to win a dream nursery for my baby. As I read these, I wondered where on earth they were getting my name from? But, as with all unwanted emails, I am one of millions who get them.
   
   I'm older now, have fibroids, etc. As I stand on the cliff looking down I see several things: I'll probably never give birth to my own child, (I don't want to manifest this, I'm just looking at what I perceive to be my reality). I have not begun the adoption process, (other than tons of research, reading, sending for information), and it weighs heavily on my mind. I feel emotionally beaten when I read an email about my new bundle of joy. I am bruised inside, but the 'machine' on the other end doesn't know that. Perhaps, it's a last ditch effort to reach a woman who could still, perceivably conceive. Why not market to her? To me?
   
   Many of you are going through this now. Your miscarriage, and I am deeply sorry for your loss, has left raw wounds behind. I know what you're living because I've lived it. I am not the only one getting baby mailings. I know what it does to you when you receive them- how you long to be able to take advantage of these baby offers but are grieving the loss of your child. You may have friends or family who are pregnant, and that only serves to magnify your own pain. You want to feel happy for them, and in most cases do, but your life right now is in a state of healing- just trying to get through the day without breaking down and crying your eyes out.

   Thursday, August 20, 2009 07:05:34

   Ellen says:
   

   I've been there and back. I still revisit today and the pain resurfaces like it was yesterday. Triggers can send me reeling back to a time when I thought I'd never heal. They also bring to light my current reality- I have no child, (other than my son in Heaven), lost him years ago, and want nothing more than to be called "Mommy".
   
   Such a simple, beautiful and pure thing to want. I'm not asking for a trillion dollars, an expensive car, or diamonds up the wazoo. No. A child to love who loves me back- a child who could not be loved more by me because I have all the love in the world to give, is all I desire. It's all many of you desire, too.
   
   I will not lose hope and I ask you to do the same. It's not easy, especially as days blend into weeks and into months, then years and so on. If you let go of the dream- you're giving up on what your soul is saying to you. If you give up on your dream of motherhood, you're denying who you are.
   
   But those mailings...they sure do get to you sometimes, don't they?
   
   Please keep the faith. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings,
   Ellen

   Thursday, August 20, 2009 07:05:42

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Kerry,
   You are so welcome. We really are all in this together, and thank God we are here to support each other. Again, I am so sorry for your loss and you must be exhausted! Please go easy on yourself. I understand how all of this takes such a toll on you and you become snappy, easily aggrevated, etc. (I would be, too). It's easy not to like how you're acting and feeling because it's very foreign to you. The thing is, you're going through so much mentally and physically- you're really not 'yourself'. I'm sure those around you know this and hopefully understand. So much is festering inside of you. That alone is draining. This terrible yo-yo ride with your blood levels must be doing a number on you.
   
   So, please take some time for you. Connect with nature if you can. Just sit outside, alone- just you. Let the breeze touch your face. Allow the tears to fall if they need to. Breathe in the air and try to envision it as a healing breath- breathing in healing energy and breathing out the stress, dis-ease and pent up emotions. If giving yourself this kind of 'mental' release feels right, it will help take the edge off your very stressfull days.
   
   I'm always here to listen, and please take things one moment at a time.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Friday, August 21, 2009 15:12:52

   Eunie says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   The stories here break my heart. 4 weeks ago I had a missed miscarriage. I went to my OB to find out that there was no heart beat - I was 9 weeks ( baby measured 7). The Doctor queried my dates and suggested a quantitative HcG blood test carried over a few days - and another scan in 3 days. The first HcG was normal, then the second showed a significant drop in HcG. At the scan there was still no heart beat. I was given the option to let nature takes it course - or to have a D&C. I took the D&C option - I didnt want to have to wait for the baby to leave me spontaneously, I wanted some control when that happened. To say I am devastated is an understatement. I was told that the pregnancy wasnt going anywhere and that the baby had died. I feel so alone, empty and at times wonder if I will ever not feel this sorrow. Grief is such a horrible thing - at times I have though that the pain is just too much and have wanted to jump off the earth. I have a beautiful 2 year old girl and a loving husband who make me feel like that would be a stupid and selfish thing to do. My husband as loving as he is cant talk about the loss of the baby which makes me feel more alone. I feel like there is no where to turn and I dont know what to do. I miss my baby -knowing its there growing. How do you deal with knowing that you will not see your baby on the due date ?(baby was due 8/3/2010). I feel like I have lost the most precious gift and I will never get it back. Some hours I wonder how I will make it through. At times I have cried I WANT MY BABY BACK. THe loss is too much to cope with. Will I ever feel different?.
   Thanks for this opportunity to share my true feelings. If It wasnt for web-sites like this one there would be no place to go.
   Eunie

   Wednesday, September 02, 2009 21:32:34

   Eunie says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   The stories here break my heart. 4 weeks ago I had a missed miscarriage. I went to my OB to find out that there was no heart beat - I was 9 weeks ( baby measured 7). The Doctor queried my dates and suggested a quantitative HcG blood test carried over a few days - and another scan in 3 days. The first HcG was normal, then the second showed a significant drop in HcG. At the scan there was still no heart beat. I was given the option to let nature takes it course - or to have a D&C. I took the D&C option - I didnt want to have to wait for the baby to leave me spontaneously, I wanted some control when that happened. To say I am devastated is an understatement. I was told that the pregnancy wasnt going anywhere and that the baby had died. I feel so alone, empty and at times wonder if I will ever not feel this sorrow. Grief is such a horrible thing - at times I have though that the pain is just too much and have wanted to jump off the earth. I have a beautiful 2 year old girl and a loving husband who make me feel like that would be a stupid and selfish thing to do. My husband as loving as he is cant talk about the loss of the baby which makes me feel more alone. I feel like there is no where to turn and I dont know what to do. I miss my baby -knowing its there growing. How do you deal with knowing that you will not see your baby on the due date ?(baby was due 8/3/2010). I feel like I have lost the most precious gift and I will never get it back. Some hours I wonder how I will make it through. At times I have cried I WANT MY BABY BACK. THe loss is too much to cope with. Will I ever feel different?.
   Thanks for this opportunity to share my true feelings. If It wasnt for web-sites like this one there would be no place to go.
   Eunie

   Wednesday, September 02, 2009 21:32:56

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Eunie,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss. It's deeply sad- cutting right to your core. I know the emptiness you feel, and getting through those days that never seem to end can be a daunting task.
   
   Grieving is terrible. It's emotionally draining and you miss the baby you loved and never got to hold, see, feel, touch. You are mourning the loss of your child, and have every right to do so. Please give yourself some time, which I know is difficult with a two-year-old.
   
   I believe you will feel like 'yourself' again, but you will be a changed self. The pain will lessen over time- the greatest healer- but, you won't forget. Simply living through this profoundly sad life experience leaves you changed. However, after the healing comes the sun, and you will see things more clearly. Once again you will be able to smile and enjoy your life. We are all different, so the time it takes to arrive at a place where you know in your gut you've healed is different. Forget? It would be impossible to forget your miscarriage. That's what I mean by being a changed self. All of life's experiences change us- we learn and grow from them in some way. This is not the way you wanted to learn and grow- this just plain hurts.
   
   I know you are thankful for your husband and beautiful two-year-old. That doesn't mean you don't have the right to grieve. That'd be like saying to someone, "You shouldn't be grieving the loss of your (mother, father, daughter, son, etc.), because you've got the rest of your loving family here." We don't operate that way. Your grief is a separate thing. Just because you are grieving doesn't mean you don't love your family. It means you're grieving the loss of your baby, plain and simple.
   
   I remember what it was like to feel alone and have nobody to talk to. My husband, (at the time), just didn't get it and we withdrew from each other. Sites like this one weren't around and I thank God for blessing me with this site so women and their families can 'get it out' to those who understand your pain because they've lived it. It 's what I craved so many years ago. There are other wonderful sites made just for sharing your feelings after miscarrying, and I thank God for those, too. We need places like this to vent, cry, put our hearts and souls out there so that someone, somewhere will reach back and say, "I understand. I am so sorry for your loss. I get it."
   
   Although I wish you didn't have to find this site, I'm glad you did. You've begun the process of healing by setting free some of your emotions- rather than keeping them pent up inside. I know it doesn't bring your precious baby back or take away from the pain. I do hope you find comfort in knowing how deeply I care about your feelings- as do the others who have shared their tearful journey after miscarriage.
   
   When you feel sad, please allow yourself to feel it. When you feel joy, please allow yourself to feel that, too. Most likely you'll have days where you feel like you're on an emotional roller-coaster, and you're not alone in that feeling. I felt like a yo-yo- up and down with my emotions for some time after my miscarriage.
   One day at a time- one moment at a time. Take little steps towards healing. Allow yourself to grieve, feel, heal. Your hormones are probably all over the board right now, too, and that doesn't help matters. Things need to 'settle down' emotionally, physically, and spiritually. They will...
   The love you felt for your baby will never die. When you're ready, if you're ready, you may want to do something to memorialize the brief stay your baby had with you. You might want to honor the love you felt for your little one by setting balloons into the air, wearing a piece of miscarriage/remembrance jewelry...planting a special tree. There are so many ways to honor your baby's life and to let your baby know you will love her/him for the rest of yours. I found so much closure in doing this, and it took me seventeen years to finally do something. I chose releasing balloons and writing a letter to my son. I can't even begin to explain the kinds of feelings I experienced. It was like I felt my son's love around me like a warm blanket- drying my tears. I knew he was okay. It was me who wasn't for so, so long.
   
   My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please know you can always come back and share your heart with me- with all of us.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Thursday, September 03, 2009 06:07:23

   Eunie says:
   

   Hi Elllen,
   Thanks for your words that have been comforting. I have been wondering if I should do something to memorialise our child. My husband does not feel comfortable with writing a letter or planting a tree - which is what I wanted to do. None-the-less I will still do it on my own. I have started to write a letter - I am however not ready to say goodbye -I am still wanting to have my baby thoughts close to me. Im not ready to let go - I know that will take a lot more time. I have started to write a letter to Addey. it has been hard - but it has been a good outlet to convey me feelings towards my child.
   Thank you for replying back to me - and for the open invitation to come back and share me thoughts and feeling anytime.
   Eunie

   Saturday, September 05, 2009 21:28:20

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Eunie,
   
   You are more than welcome. Take your time and you're doing what's best for you in not pushing yourself. I know the letter is hard to write. It brings up so many emotions. Know, once again, how sorry I am for your loss. Your husband is dealing with his feelings in his own way, and that's okay. You're doing the same by writing your letter to Addey anyway. We all handle grief differently.
   
   As you travel your road to healing after miscarriage, my thoughts and prayers are with you & your husband. It's a bumpy, sad road, but we are here for each other.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Sunday, September 06, 2009 07:11:52

   Cheryl-Anne says:
   

   Hi Ellen,
   I miscarried two weeks ago today and am having a very difficult time with everything. The every day things have become so enormous- work, laundry, dinner. I just don't feel like I've got anything in me to give. If I could curl up for a while and just be left alone to cry and heal, I think I'd be better off. I don't have that luxury, so like most people, I have to get through the day. This was my only pregnancy, my only child. I carried him for four months and he's gone. Logic tells me one thing, my heart another. How do you get through this? I know there's no easy answer...and I want to thank all the women who have shared their stories. Even though I must deal with this myself, knowing I'm not alone gives me a sense of comfort. I am so sorry for all of your losses.

   Saturday, September 12, 2009 07:48:59

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Cheryl-Anne,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and I know what it's like to want to curl up and be left alone for a while. I just read something, somewhere....it was about grief. 'The world doesn't stop while we grieve'- and it's true. It feels like it does for those who are grieving, but as you sadly know, there are things to 'get through' every, single day- amidst your tears.
   
   Such a difficult place to be in and again, I'm very sorry.
   
   How do you get through this? No, there is no easy answer. It's only been two weeks since you lost your precious son and you're deep in grief. This terrible, sometimes all-consuming emotion, takes time to work through. Time is very different for all of us. There's no right or wrong. There is you, and you are worth every moment of healing you need. You are worth taking some time if you can, to just be- cry if you need to let it out, feel whatever you must, work through those feelings step by step by step. Please don't force yourself to heal because that never works. You end up burying feelings and trust me, they come back to haunt you. They did with me in the form of anxiety attacks, etc. Let your feelings be acknowledged- your loss acknowledged. I know you loved your baby with all your heart.
   
   And you know, healing and forgetting are very different. You won't forget your little one, but you will heal. I've said this before and it holds true right now: You become a changed person after a miscarriage simply because of living through this painful experience. You're still you, but there's a connection you'll always have to your baby. That doesn't mean you'll cry every day, or struggle to just to get through each moment for the rest of your life. No, that won't happen. What it means is that one day, when you're feeling more like you, you will reflect, or perhaps feel your baby's love and the love you have for your baby in Heaven- on the other side. You'll look back at the days like today and wish you never had to live through them- but, you'll realize you did, and for as sad as these days are, you'll be able to say you survived them.
   
   Helping each other out, like you and I 'talking' right now, is part of it. We are all there for each other and when those of us who have lost a child to miscarriage join together, we gain strength and comfort. While it doesn't change your situation or bring your baby back, at least you can find others who are with you in thought, in spirit. Others who do know what it's like to dig deep just to find the energy to make phone call, or get groceries, or go to work, or...or...or...
   
   Logic and the heart are opposite forces, indeed. I suppose it's all a balancing act. Logic may say, go to work today while your heart may say I can't. So, we find a place the middle. Perhaps a sick day is required, or you can promise yourself that after work, you will allow yourself the time and space you need to just be. Just be you and feel what you have to. I know you can't burst out into tears at work, but you can at home. Make yourself that promise. "I won't cry at my desk, but when I get home I'll allow the tears to fall if I still feel like crying."
   
   It's part of healing and I know it hurts so deeply. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Love, Light and Healing to you,
   Ellen

   Saturday, September 12, 2009 08:07:18

   Selinah says:
   

   I am so said,feel hurt,alone,dissapointed in God( I am a strong believer but this time I feel God has let me down).
   
   We went to the hospital for an appointment only to be told there is no heartbeat,I could not believe it,everything happened so fast C and D was done in 3 hours after that.I came home empty inside,scared that if we try again same thing might happen again.But what hurts me the most though is that my husband does not seem to be bothered about loosing a baby.
   I keep thinking because he has 2(20 and 24) children from a prevoius marriage he does not want kids with me.Could that be the case?he was joking and giggling straight away after the news in the hospital,he could hardly give me a hug when I cried,does he care at all?I doubt.
   
   I feel I am grieving all by myself.
   
   Selinah

   Sunday, September 20, 2009 12:33:33

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Selinah,
   
   Oh, Dear God I am so sorry for your loss and for the reaction you had to endure from your husband. I don't know what he was thinking, but it's clear it was not about you and your feelings. I am not picking on him or judging. However, he was very insensitive to your feelings.
   
   About you- I really want to focus on your healing. You are in deep grief right now, and I know the hollow feeling inside. It's a day by day process, and I don't want to sound 'technical'. Each day you must give yourself the chance to heal, feel, let it out. By doing things like coming to this site or others like it, you've taken a big step on your road towards healing. Time may not seem like your friend right now because the days may blend into very tearful ones. I lived it so I know. But, you're feeling the loss of your baby- and it's not an easy thing to live through.
   
   When you count on the one you love for support and he isn't there, it makes you feel more isolated. While knowing I am right here for you may help, it doesn't change the dynamics at home. You want your husband there for you and need him there for you. That's not too much to ask. However, you can't control whether or not he'll support you during this time. As sad as that is, (I was in the same boat after my miscarriage), you may feel the need to talk things out with a counselor. I want to throw this suggestion your way because it helps some people. It's not right for everyone. It's a very personal thing. It helped me because there was someone who truly cared about my feelings and also helped me work through the feelings of hurt and resent I had towards my husband, (at the time), for his lack of support and seeming uncaring attitude about 'our' miscarriage.
   
   I felt it was all on me- all the pain, loss, dreams gone. Just like you're feeling now.
   
   Please go easy on yourself and allow yourself the time you need to grieve. If there's a support group in your area, please look into it if it feels right to you. Your loss is very recent and each moment has to be lived as it comes.
   
   I will say this: There are many of us in your corner. We have lived your pain; have known the feelings associated with a complete lack of support and have cried the tears you're crying. We all care about you, realize your loss is real and I, personally, will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   As far as God is concerned, please give this time. I tried to blame God for my miscarriage because I didn't know what else to do. I needed a reason and couldn't get one. Time is the only thing that allowed me to work things out and come to my own realization about God and my life's purpose. Don't beat yourself up for feeling as you do- just give yourself time and be gentle to YOU.
   
   If you ever want to come back and talk, I am here. We all are.
   
   Love, Light and Healing to you,
   Ellen

   Sunday, September 20, 2009 19:53:57

   Lauren says:
   

   Dear Ellen
   
   It's me again. It's been a little over two years since my miscarriage, and you have helped me all the way through it. I would just like to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart, because I don't know where I would be right now if it wasn't for you. This is my senior year of high school, and it kind of feels weird that I'm graduating in a matter of months. Now that I'm technically a young adult, I feel a little more in control of my feelings.
   
   But, sometimes I still feel like I hit a lot of road blocks. I still have this lagging feeling in my heart. And everyday I have to walk around with it. Does that ever go away? I don't know. I feel like we've had this conversation a million times, but I just need to be inspired to keep going.
   
   I realized something a couple of days ago. I always have complained to you about how very alone I feel, and how little support I have. I think I have confused lack of support with lack of understanding. I realize now that there have been a handful of people who have tried so very hard to help me, but just couldn't because they didn't know how. Like, okay, this one time I had a panic attack during school. I don't know, I couldn't stop thinking about the baby and I just flipped out. So I stormed out of the building crying. And my best friend followed me out. And she sat with me while I cried, and she even started to cry a little bit too. She obviously cares about me, and want's me to feel better, but that's not enough. I think what I'm trying to say is that I don't want people crying FOR me, I want them crying WITH me. But I can never get that from anybody because nobody else can possibly imagine what it is that I'm feeling. I think that's why I can only connect with you. You have been there, and you understand it. I cry because it was my baby and I loved it more than anything in the world, and I want other people to cry because it was a person and it had the potential to be something great in their lives. I want somebody to feel the loss with me.
   
   This realization doesn't really get me anywhere. I just thought I would share it with you, because I'm having an off-day and I just needed somewhere to type out my thoughts.
   
   Thank you very much for listening.

   Wednesday, September 30, 2009 22:09:37

   Eunie says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   I am still not coping with the loss of Addey. I am feeling sad, alone frustrated and pain. The more time passes - the more anger I feel. I should of been 17 week pregnant this week, instead I am nursing a broken heart and have started to get panic attacks due to high stress levels. I want to feel like i am living but i am only existing at the moment. Im sitting here wondering if this is it - are the feeling I have towards Addey -will they always feel so intense ?- will I ever be able to look at other babies and not cry and fall into a heap?. Why does this happen to so many other women - but we all seem to feel so alone and lonely through our miscarriage. I wish just the feeling of loneliness would disappear - friends and even my doctor thinks it is talking me longer to process this. I am feeling so alone Ellen and I dont know what to do. Sometimes I wish a friend someone would give me a hug and not let me go, and let me cry, talk and get my feelings out.
   Eunie

   Wednesday, September 30, 2009 23:26:52

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Eunie,
   I am so sorry for your loss and what you're living right now. It's a struggle, and sadly you're still so deep into grieving the loss of your baby. I was the same way and although I am far from a doctor, I don't understand a time frame, this soon, being placed on your grief. Your friends and doctor seem to think it's taking you longer than...what? Normal? - to process 'this'. You miscarried- lost the baby you loved so deeply and right now are wondering why? You're wondering what it would be like to be pregnant with this child and how your life changed when you lost your baby. I'd feel even more alone if those I counted on for support were telling me I was taking 'too long' to grieve. I'm not judging them but I am guessing they simply don't understand what you're living at all.
   
   To me, you are processing this, for lack of a better word. You're feeling and letting your feelings out. It's called being sad and grieving. To hold it all in wouldn't do anything but hurt you. You've already had a panic attack. I had a massive one after I miscarried. They continued and I struggled with them for years. I don't want to see the same thing happen to you.
   
   Support, sympathy, empathy- love. Those are the things you need right now. Those things and time. You have every right to use your time to heal. What other people think can't matter. I know it's difficult to completely dismiss other people's opinions of how long and to what extent you should be grieving, but I suggest you try. I say this because I went through similar experiences and they just hurt too much. It didn't help me in the least to allow other people's judgments influence me. I was already under enough stress and so are you.
   
   I wish could be there to give you a hug, let you talk, cry, get it all out. This is the best I can do, but I care very much about the path you're on, the rocky steps and how alone you feel as you try to heal and get a handle on 'everything'.
   
   The pain is deep and I wish I could take it away. I can't, but I'm here. If there people to talk to seem scarce, maybe you could go to a couselor and talk to someone who has your best interests at heart and is not bias. I did it and it helped. Someone listened to me, didn't tire of my story, feelings, etc., and didn't judge me. I was gently guided and needed it, but my counselor had no history with me and she truly wanted to help me help myself.
   
   That and my spirituality, my faith, got me through one of the most difficult times of my entire life. Even after all these years, I still remember, I still feel, I still cry sometimes. But, I know it's okay and it's normal for me. There will always be a special place in my heart for my baby and the same goes for you. Healing doesn't mean forgetting- it means healing.
   
   Right now your emotions are very "up and down", so seeing pregnant women, baby items, getting invites to baby showers, even going past the baby isle in a grocery store may trigger tears and/or anxiety. It took me a long time to get through that and please allow yourself the time. I know you don't like feeling as you do, but there will come a day when you realize things are a bit easier and you can breathe deeper.
   
   For now, take one day at a time and know you have every right to feel as you do, and are not alone in this at all.
   
   My thoughts and prayers are with you.
   
   Love, Light and Healing,
   Ellen

   Friday, October 02, 2009 09:06:16

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Lauren,
   
   You know I am so sorry for your loss and yes, I have felt your pain- just as you've felt mine. Because we've both suffered a miscarriage, we understand each other- and that understanding brings us strength, compassion and empathy.
   
   You mentioned, in a very enlightened way, how there's some confusion between understanding what you're living as opposed to someone being there for you but not 'getting' how you feel. The value of a person being there to support you, even if they haven't lived it and don't know what it's like to miscarry, is immeasurable. Our friends, family, co-workers and more try to be there and that counts for a lot. However, the connection we crave during our darkest days when we seem to be unable to do anything except think about our babies and miss them, is extremely important, too. We need to share our hearts with those who have actually walked our walk. That way, our grief is validated and we also don't feel as alone or 'crazy'. God knows I had my days when I thought...I'm losing it.
   
   Your heart and spirit have grown during this time. You've been through a miscarriage- the very real loss of your baby, and still have managed to arrive at this point: getting ready to graduate high school. Please stand in awe as you look at yourself and try to see what I see: You are an amazing young lady who managed to weather one of the darkest storms of her life while finishing school. Do you know how much strength you really have? Do you see the amazing ways you've been able to survive AND grow even amidst many, many tears? All this during a time when life can be very confusing. High school carries with it a lot of joy, fun, laughter. It also carries a heavy workload, friends wanting to have fun while and more- while you were grieving the loss of your baby. You got through it, Lauren, and give yourself credit for the amazing strength you have shown even while crying and feeling such despair.
   
   I know you still love and miss your baby. That will stay with you as you venture on to your next steps-wherever your special path takes you. This is a time you won't forget for so many reasons, and something inside me says there will come a day when you'll reach out to someone who has miscarried. You will be able to offer the compassion and empathy you wanted and needed so much but couldn't find in those around you.
   
   The 'off days', well, they happen, and I hope you see they will be balanced out by your 'on days'- days when you laugh more and experience new and wonderful things. I still have my off days, as we all do.
   
   This is Miscarriage/Infant Loss Awareness Month. The 15th of October is Miscarriage/Infant Loss Awareness Day. Perhaps on that day you could do something special to honor your baby's brief stay with you and how much he or she touched your life.
   
   Please keep the faith and the next time you look in the mirror, I hope you see the beautiful soul that lies behind your eyes...because that's what you are.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings to you,
   
   Ellen

   Saturday, October 03, 2009 12:59:32

   Holly says:
   

   I lost my baby on September 29th. I was 19 weeks pregnant and his name was Nathaniel Layton. My husband was wonderful and really helped me and comforted me. Now all he does is drink and hurt my feelings. I am trying to be strong, but it seems like it's getting harder not to cry. I really need help.

   Thursday, October 22, 2009 09:18:54

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Holly,
   I am so sorry for your loss. Nathaniel Layton is such a beautiful name. I know how deep your pain runs.
   
   I don't profess to be a counselor or anything of the sort, and so I'm talking to you as friend. I'm kind of an observer and listener who is going to try and help because I care.
   
   I don't know why your husband is drinking and saying things that hurt you. I simply know it isn't helping either one of you.
   
   You're deep in grief and if his way of dealing with his own grief is drinking, your healing is hindered so much. Not only are you trying to cope with losing your precious baby, you've now got a husband who isn't 'himself'. He's drinking, not supporting you during this time when you need him most, and you're having to try to grieve and cope with your husband's hurtful behavior at the same time.
   
   When you add it all up, of course it's difficult to be strong. You've got a very full plate. You shouldn't have to be this strong. When you're grieving, it's a time of hurt and others who love you help by being strong for and with you. If you can't turn to your husband right now, maybe talking to a counselor would help YOU. I'm concerned about both of you- my focus, however, is on you.
   
   Would you consider seeing a counselor? I did and for the record, it really helped to talk things out with someone who cared about my best interests and didn't have any personal history with me. If you don't feel comfortable with that, and some people don't, maybe there's a support group in your area for those who have lost babies to miscarriage, stillbirth, etc. Sometimes, the local hospital has a memorial once a month. Something tells me you need a bit more than once a month.
   
   Home is supposed to feel like your safe place. The one spot where you can be you & let your hair down. The one place where you have privacy and in your situation, can cry, feel, heal. All that's been disrupted by your husband's drinking. He's got his own issues to work through and I don't want to see you hurt anymore.
   
   You are worth the time. You are worth having someone there to talk to who will be your sounding board, hug you if you need a hug, and simply listen. You deserve guidance if you find yourself stuck. None of it's selfish, it's needed.
   
   It's very diffuclt to separate yourself from what your husband is living. After all, you're under the same roof.
   
   Know you always have me to turn to. I just wish I could do more for you- be more for you.
   
   It's been such a short time since you lost your baby. Please go easy on yourself and if you need to just get away from the chaos at home, perhaps you could spend a day or two at a friend's house- or with someone in your family. I don't know if this is possible because I don't know your situation. I hope you find a way to bring some peace into your life.
   
   This is easier said than done, but it's possible and true: (Believe me, it's taken me a long time to be able to do this and I'm not always successful. I just want to throw this thought your way...) We can only be hurt by another's words if we allow ourselves to be hurt. Now I know that may sound a bit crazy- especially right now. I guess I'm tossing the notion to you because when your husband says or does something to hurt your feelings, please try to remind yourself you've got a choice. You can either let his words hurt you more, or you can say to yourself: "I choose to heal myself right now. I choose to focus only my healing for my better and higher good."
   
   I hope what I've said doesn't sound too 'out there'. It's a path I've been walking for some time and I do still get hurt and feel like everyone else. I have found, however, that in those moments when I really know in my gut how important it is for me to heal, I make the choice to do so and have to say something like what I mentioned above to remind me to focus on myself. It's very easy to focus on the needs of everyone around you, especially your husband, etc., and put yourself last.
   
   It's a time to put yourself first. You count. Your loss is real and so is your pain.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please let me know how you're doing.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings,
   Ellen

   Thursday, October 22, 2009 13:44:42

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Maggie,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss. What you've written to your baby in Heaven reaches out and touches my heart. Your words are ones I relate to, and I'm sure many of the women who have miscarried relate to them, too.
   
   That feeling of never holding your precious baby seems to stay with you- no matter how much time has passed or how far you've come. I know after all these years, I still wonder...dream...think about what it would feel like to hold my baby. Although so much healing has taken place- there's a piece of all of us that's connected by a thread of love to the babies we cherished but never held.
   
   Like you, I believe it wasn't in God's plans for my baby and I to meet- on the earthly plane. I do believe I will meet him one day in another realm, another place- Heaven. I think all of us will hold our babies- eventually.
   
   Your baby will always be your second baby and I know there are footprints stamped upon your heart that will last a lifetime.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings to you-
   Ellen

   Monday, October 26, 2009 08:51:09

   Amy says:
   

   Today marks the 4th year of my angel being in heaven. I thought I would make it threw today without any major sad tears but here I am at 10:00 and have had wet eyes twice today. I wish my husband could understand what I go threw each year. Instead of just avoiding the day. I miss my angel more than anything. I could really use him/her to send me a penny from heaven today. Thanks for listening and having the site open for people to talk about their losses. It helps alot.

   Wednesday, October 28, 2009 10:21:36

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Amy,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss. To you, it feels like yesterday- as if you're reliving all the feelings you had when you miscarried. I know how it is and no matter how much time passes, I am much like you.
   
   When you feel alone in your grief it does make it more difficult. Today is a day of sad remembering- and it's also a day of sending many loving thoughts to your baby in Heaven.
   
   I believe in signs like pennies being left in places we normally wouldn't find them. I think the angels and our loved ones do this to assure us they are safe, loved and are with us always. I will ask for a penny, and perhaps you have done, or will do, the same. I think we have to ask and be open for things like this to happen from the spiritual realm- or Heaven. Just my thoughts....that's all.
   
   Please know I am with you and am sending loving thoughts and prayers. They are also with your husband, that he may open up and understand your feelings, and his own.
   
   Maybe we'll both end up with some pennies from Heaven.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings,
   Ellen

   Wednesday, October 28, 2009 11:14:02

   Ellen says:
   

   Hello Everyone,
   
   Well, November is here. It's a time of gearing up for the holiday season, cooler temps and the year drawing to an end.
   
   For many of us who have miscarried, it's a time of reflection, perhaps sadness, healing, reminders of what could have been and what is.
   
   I believe in living in the 'what is' mode. After all, it's all we've got. But, I can't help but wonder, as my mind drifts back to a time when I was planning on the birth on my son in November, what life would be like had he joined me on this earth.
   
   He was to be born around Thanksgiving. I was married and life was so different then. I was younger and full of excitement about my new baby, our new life. I thought about our first Thanksgiving together and relished my visions of our first Christmas as a family of three.
   
   Yes, my Alex would have been 18 this month. I imagine he would be completing his last year of high school and making plans for his future. College? Musician? Engineer?
   
   I would have had seventeen years of Christmas memories with him; photo albums full of the story of his life. Each picture a treasure in its own right.
   
   But, my photo album is empty and I know that. I've come to accept it, live with it, deal with my path and focus on my blessings without Alex here physically.
   
   The tears do fall. You'd think they would have stopped by now and for the most part, they have. Yet, this time of year is when I miss him the most. I miss what I never knew.
   
   I miss the baby I Never Held. The son I never watched grow up. The cuts, scraped knees, the smiles, the tears, the school days, the play days, the sick days, the well days- all the days I have spent since Alex went to Heaven have been so far removed from what I once thought they'd be.
   
   Yet, even as I sit here writing this and crying, I know I have been blessed. I feel the love of Alex around me and I realize without him, without losing him, I wouldn't be sitting here realizing that because of him, this very site exists. Because of Alex and my miscarriage, MiscarriageHelp.com is here and we've all benefitted in some way from it. My book would never have been written and I wouldn't feel the passion toward reaching out to you, and you to me. There wouldn't be THIS particular support network which has blossomed over the past three plus years.
   
   My son. My very dear Alex whom I love with all my being, thank you. Thank you for touching my life and inspiring me to reach out to others. Thank you for teaching me the lesson of empathy and how to get up after a fall. Thank you for letting me know you are near, especially during times like these when I know your 'what would have been birthday' is approaching. Thank you for always reminding me that love lives, the spirit lives, we all live- some on earth, some in a different realm, and we are always connected.
   
   I know I have shed tears every Christmas for seventeen years because I've felt the emptiness of not having you here. But, the tears dry, I go on with my day, and celebrate the love of God, family, friends. I give thanks. I count my blessings.
   
   You will always be one of them. Maybe not the way I wanted, but a blessing just the same.
   
   I Love You,
   Mom
   
   Love, Light and Blessings to you all,
   Ellen

   Friday, November 06, 2009 06:50:48

   Ellen says:
   

   Amy says:
   
   Today marks the 4th year of my angel being in heaven. I thought I would make it threw today without any major sad tears but here I am at 10:00 and have had wet eyes twice today. I wish my husband could understand what I go threw each year. Instead of just avoiding the day. I miss my angel more than anything. I could really use him/her to send me a penny from heaven today. Thanks for listening and having the site open for people to talk about their losses. It helps alot.
   
   Dear Amy,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss. To you, it feels like yesterday- as if you're reliving all the feelings you had when you miscarried. I know how it is and no matter how much time passes, I am much like you.
   
   When you feel alone in your grief it does make it more difficult. Today is a day of sad remembering- and it's also a day of sending many loving thoughts to your baby in Heaven.
   
   I believe in signs like pennies being left in places we normally wouldn't find them. I think the angels and our loved ones do this to assure us they are safe, loved and are with us always. I will ask for a penny, and perhaps you have done, or will do, the same. I think we have to ask and be open for things like this to happen from the spiritual realm- or Heaven. Just my thoughts....that's all.
   
   Please know I am with you and am sending loving thoughts and prayers. They are also with your husband, that he may open up and understand your feelings, and his own.
   
   Maybe we'll both end up with some pennies from Heaven.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings,
   Ellen

   Friday, November 06, 2009 06:52:04

   Ellen says:
   

   Felisha says:
   
   I feel eveyones pain, its really hard to go through, i had a loss when i was 18, now im 22, there not a day that goese by and i dont think about it, im very sorry to all that has been through the same.
   
   Dear Felisha,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and thank you for extending you heart out to all those who have miscarried. Sadly, we connect to each other through the shared experience of miscarriage. On the other hand, I thank God we have each other to talk to. It makes the journey through pain, grief & healing after miscarriage far less isolating.
   
   Blessings, Love and Light to you,
   Ellen

   Friday, November 06, 2009 11:26:05

   Ellen says:
   

   Lynda says:
   
   Hi..your site has helped a lot of my clients who have had miscarriges.i just thought l would say well done and please keep up the good work. having had many miscarraiges myself as well as two healthy births..l wish this site had been around many years ago. l work as a womens,children and family counsellor face to face and/or on line. if l can help anyone in any way please give them my web address. l can just listen or they can have an appintment. l do have free sessions as well. my web address is http://www.elemaitch.co.uk
   
   Dear Lynda,
   
   Thank you for your kind words and offer to help those who are suffering after miscarriage. It's a long road, as you know, and I am sorry for your losses, too. It does my heart good to know your clients have found support through this site.
   
   I visited your site. Thank you for helping so many women/families overcome the obstacles in our path as we journey through life.
   
   I've always believed in counseling as it's a way to 'get it all out' to someone who is caring, but doesn't share a personal history with you. It often feels safer because there are no judgements, pre-conceived notions, etc.
   
   Funny, the psychologist and grief counselor who wrote the foreword to I Never Held You also has the first name Lynda :)
   
   Blessings to you, and thanks again for your compassion and caring.
   
   Ellen

   Friday, November 06, 2009 11:26:28

   Laura Davey says:
   

   Ellen,
   How fitting that I happened to look at your site today. I haven't been here for awhile. I'm so sorry you are having a bad day. I know this time of year can be so difficult for you. My heart aches for you and all the Mother's who have no baby to hold. I wish this pain didn't have to happen, but you're right. You can't leave your heart behind. So let it all out...grieve, love, feel. I know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I also know that knowing that doesn't always help. You have helped so many people get through the horrible reality of losing our babies. Thank you so much. I'm sending all my love, hugs, and prayers your way. I hope peace finds you soon!

   Saturday, November 07, 2009 22:52:10

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Laura,
   Thank you, thank you, thank you.
   Today is a new day-
   Reading your words lifted my spirit. It truly is about supporting each other. Here you are offering your heart, comfort, understanding to me. It's been so long since my miscarriage, but we all have days like I did. I had to 'write out' what I was feeling, and it is very fitting that you visited MiscarriageHelp.com yesterday.
   Like a beacon in the night, you were shining your light.
   It's just what I needed so thank you again many times over.
   
   Love, Hugs and Peace to you,
   Ellen

   Sunday, November 08, 2009 06:53:27

   Ellen says:
   

   Miscarriage: Remembering, Wondering, Asking
   
   I played the piano. First, it was Christmas music…and then some songs I just felt like playing. Then my fingers started to play the song I wrote after my miscarriage…a Song for Alex.
   
   After all these years, I never forgot it. I never forgot him. I closed my eyes and my fingers just played and played until they couldn’t play anymore…
   
   I went to the bathroom. There was a blood clot on the bottom of the toilet because of my period. I stared at it for a few moments.
   
   I thought of losing my son all those years ago.
   
   He would have been celebrating his eighteenth birthday this month- around Thanksgiving.
   
   Charlie was on the phone with an old friend from years ago. She has a son and he’s in college now. I heard them talking about it.
   
   My son would have graduated high school and probably would have been in college now. This would have been Alex’s freshman year.
   
   Charlie doesn’t get it and neither does anyone else. Well, except for those women who lost babies they never got to hold. They understand.
   
   On top of it all is the fact that I never had any children. I’m still not a Mommy and it’s been so, so long and I’m getting older. I’m no fool. I don’t kid myself into thinking I’m still 25, 26, 30. No, I am 43 and am so tired of all this pain I carry around. I want to scream and run. I want to dump it all, but, it’s part of my heart so I can’t. I can’t dump my heart. What would be left of me?
   
   Today’s just one of those days. One of those days when I remember and feel the weight of the rubble upon my chest. I ask God why I haven’t been able to let it go and I listen for an answer. I listen because I need to know. Right now I am not the strong one who is there for everyone or making people laugh. I am crying and I ask God why I haven’t released the pain. I am so tired of carrying it around everywhere I go like some sort of invisible suitcase strapped to my ankle.
   
   And then I know. I know we all have our burdens to carry and God never gives us more than we can handle. I know I still feel pain so I can help others who feel it now.
   
   But, today…it feels like more than I can handle. So, I just need to step back and feel. Let it out. Heal all over again and then go on.
   
   Suitcase dragging behind me until it becomes heavy again and I feel the need to lighten it by freeing all the tears it carries.
   
   And so it goes…
   
   Ellen

   Thursday, November 12, 2009 06:37:42

   Ellen says:
   

   Ellen,
   How fitting that I happened to look at your site today. I haven't been here for awhile. I'm so sorry you are having a bad day. I know this time of year can be so difficult for you. My heart aches for you and all the Mother's who have no baby to hold. I wish this pain didn't have to happen, but you're right. You can't leave your heart behind. So let it all out...grieve, love, feel. I know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I also know that knowing that doesn't always help. You have helped so many people get through the horrible reality of losing our babies. Thank you so much. I'm sending all my love, hugs, and prayers your way. I hope peace finds you soon!
   
   Dear Laura,
   Thank you, thank you, thank you.
   Today is a new day-
   Reading your words lifted my spirit. It truly is about supporting each other. Here you are offering your heart, comfort, understanding to me. It's been so long since my miscarriage, but we all have days like I did. I had to 'write out' what I was feeling, and it is very fitting that you visited MiscarriageHelp.com yesterday.
   Like a beacon in the night, you were shining your light.
   It's just what I needed so thank you again many times over.
   
   Love, Hugs and Peace to you,
   Ellen

   Thursday, November 12, 2009 06:39:01

   Eunie says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   I have come back to leave you another note. I read your post today, when I was feeling alone and felt like no-one really understands me and how I feel about losing my child. I know you do - I wish you and others here had not experience the pain of losing a child to miscarriage.
   
   I wish I could say that I was feeling better, but in actual fact I feel like the loss and pain is getting worse. It seems that as the date of my expected delivery draws closer, I am feeling the loss of Addey all the more. I also had recent surgery to remove a Teratoma from my ovary, which made me think of Addey all the more and the loss I was feeling. He was meant to be there growing - I am not meant to be nursing a painful stomach - I am meant to be carrying a child, my child, my boy. He was a boy as we found out that he had too many Y chromosomes. Some people have said there should be some comfort in knowing that he was not perfect and not meant to be - I have not experienced any comfort knowing this.
   
   I still find it hard to believe and come to terms that I will not see my baby. He will not be born in 14 weeks. I will not get to hold him, kiss him, love him.
   My heart is being ripped apart here and I want it to go away. I had been seeing a psychologist prior to my miscarriage about an unrelated matter. I have tried to talk about it - but nothing I say seems adequate enough to convey the pain I feel. If I was to walk in his room collapse on the floor with tears in my eyes then he would see how I feel. I feel nothing I say can convey how I truly feel.
   
   I have been having a few bad days and wanted to write it out.
   
   Thanks Ellen for this site, and for sharing your own experience with us. It does help to know we are not alone.
   Eunie

   Thursday, November 19, 2009 03:31:14

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Eunie,
   I am so sorry. You're going through a very bumpy time right now, and I know it feel like your heart's been torn up. Your emotions must be all over the place, and I realize your recent surgery brought up even more feelings about your precious Addey. (When I went to my niece's ultrasound many years after I miscarried, I was full of fear. The last ultrasound I'd been to was my own, and you know how that turned out. I went, and was happy I did because I made it through and now have memories of a beautiful baby who was healthy, and I was very happy for my niece.)
   
   As what would have been your due date approaches, I understand the pain of losing your baby is magnified. Mine was around this time of year, still is, (even after all these years), and I truly get how you're feeling. My son Alex would have been celebrating his eighteenth birthday right around now- a Thanksgiving baby.
   
   Grief is a very difficult thing to 'wrap your brain around'. On top of grieving, you're feeling all the dreams you had for your son come crashing down around you- all over again. Actually, it never stopped. Grief is a path in life none of us want to walk. When you're feeling isolated, it can be worse.
   
   The pain you're living will subside and I'm acutely aware this sounds so distant, if not impossible, right now. Also, it doesn't take away from the day to day experiences you're having which are making you so sad. However, there is hope and when you're ready, the hope inside of you will come to the surface. It will give you the strength you need. Right now it sounds like a time of feeling- and nobody wants to feel the depth of pain you're experiencing. My heart goes out to you. I know what it's like to wake up and wish I were living a dream- somebody else's life. Then, you realize it's your life and all the emotions rise to the surface. When that happens, they come out in the form of tears.
   
   You're walking a road to healing, even if it doesn't feel like it. It's the part that cuts to your core and causes those tears to fall. Tears I wish I could help wipe away, but they fall because you have to let them out. Missing your baby, your pregnancy, the world you envisioned with your child, is certainly cause for your tears.
   
   Perhaps the psychologist you've been talking to about another matter needs to know <i>exactly</i> what you're living right now in order to be a better listener. Your grief mustn't be dismissed. When that happens, you end up feeling more alone and often worse. If you are able to express everything to your psychologist, you may feel better by having your grief acknowledged and just being HEARD. Maybe you'll be gently guided, too. Nobody can give you the answers or take away your pain, but people can help you as you heal. That's what I try to do and I'm just 'me'.
   
   In being ' just me', I understand you and I think all of us who have live through miscarriage, and sadly many have lived through more than one, DO understand you and we all don't have degrees on our wall. Our 'degree' consists of life experience- and that goes a long way in terms of support.
   
   You're approaching your baby's due date and the holidays are upon us. You've just had surgery and that's another trauma to your mind, body and spirit. For now, would you feel comfortable placing the focus of your visits to your doctor on your miscarriage, your grief and everything you're living? I think an unbiased listener like your doctor could help hold your hand as you traverse this rocky road. Please try to open up a bit more to him- if you're comfortable with it. I've cried many tears in front of a psychologist- and you know what? <i>That's what conveyed my level of pain. That's what brought out the raw, gut wrenching emotions I was carrying around.</i> I wasn't even seeing her about my miscarriage- it was about my divorce. But, my miscarriage came to the surface of my mind and I couldn't stand the pain I was in.
   
   So...I talked to her. She listened. It helped.
   
   Eunie, I'm here, listening and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please come back and let me know how you're doing. If you need to print out your writings here and bring them to your doctor, please, do it. Sometimes, we experience a loss for words when the moment to talk arrives. That's because it's such an emotional topic and time for you. Just a suggestion....You'll know what feels right to you.
   
   Love, Light and much Healing to you.
   
   Ellen

   Thursday, November 19, 2009 07:25:45

   Eunie says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   Thanks so much for your understanding words - and for being supportive to us all here. I am thinking I will take your advice about taking my writings here to my psychologist. It could help him understand me more. I know the weeks that are about to follow will be tough and I will come back and let you know how I am doing.
   Thank you again
   Eunie

   Friday, November 20, 2009 05:00:05

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Eunie,
   You are so welcome- Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers always.
   With much love,
   Ellen

   Friday, November 20, 2009 05:15:07

   Katherine says:
   

   Hi,
   Thanks for this site.
   I had a miscarriage on the 16th of june. Then on the 18th of june i went to have a relaxing bath to try and get my head around the fact that I was no longer 11 weeks pregnant. i opened my eyes to find that the bathwater was so red i couldn't see my toes. I had surgery to stop the bleeding. but i am now having trouble falling pregnant. I miss my Angel terribly, but i also want to be pregnant again and i'm worried that the surgery had damaged my uterus.
   My Angels due date is comming up on the 5th of January. I was hoping i would be feeling better than i am.
   I worry that my 18month old little girl senses how sad i am and that it will have an affect on her.
   I still just feel as if my body failed my baby. The world is moving and yet my world is stuck enveloped by greif and longing.
   thanks again for this site at least we are not alone

   Sunday, November 22, 2009 06:10:23

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Katherine,
   I am so sorry for your loss and your terrible experience in the bath. That must have been so scary, to say the least.
   
   When your baby's due date approaches, it can really throw you into an emotional tailspin. I know it happened to me and to many of the women here. It's so hard when you wonder "what could have been". Even now, all these years later, I wonder what my son would have been like- what my life would have been like- had he been born. His birthday would have been around Thanksgiving. So, your feelings of missing your baby may be even stronger because your due date is coming up in January. I know how sad this can make you feel, and my heart goes out to you.
   
   I'm guessing that your little girl may sense your sadness, but also your deep love for her. I can't talk to you as a mother because, sadly, I'm not. Friend to friend I can say that hugging your little one and saying something like "Do you know how much I you? So much!" must go a long way. I bet she already knows how much you love her and I hope you don't make yourself feel worse by carrying around guilt.
   
   Speaking of guilt...while I know you feel like your body failed your baby, it didn't. Miscarriage is so devestating and often we try to blame ourselves. Boy, I did. Your miscarriage was in no way your fault and I wish I could tell you why it happened. Even if I could, I know your pain wouldn't be any less. You're still healing from your miscarriage and you're also afraid you won't be able to get pregnant because of the surgery. Please try to stop blaming yourself, your body, for your miscarriage. It was a very painful loss and it hasn't been very long since your baby went to Heaven. Give yourself the time you need and try to believe your miscarriage is not and never will be your fault. I was riddled with guilt for while, much like you are, and finally set that free. It took time and I know now, only after time went by, that I was not to blame. It was a very sad event in my life as it is yours. When we don't know the answers, especially when it comes to losing someone we love, we often turn to ourselves and say it was our fault somehow.
   
   The holidays are here and I know you're walking a very emotional road. Just take one day at a time and remember to give yourself the space you need to breath and be still. It must be hard to do with an eighteen-month old. But, during those moments when you find yourself alone, please treat yourself gently. Perhaps you could try some guided meditations on CD with some headphones. Just sit and "be" for ten minutes or so and you'll feel you mind, body and spirit calm down. If that's not for you, there are other things that help balance the scales. Taking a walk, just being in nature for a few minutes and soaking in the beauty of it, praying, counting your blessings, and so much more help you feel more calm in your life- in your mind, body and spirit. It helps lessen the fear and guilt you carry- it's all part of helping you heal.
   
   I believe your a wonderful human being, a wonderful mother. You're very sad right now because you're still grieving the loss of your little one. I hope you can believe this about yourself.
   
   Seeing your doctor and expressing your fears about becoming pregant again may be a good idea- if you haven't already done so. Even if you have, you can always talk to your doctor again just to feel more comfortable with where you are in terms of becoming pregnant. Perhaps, you need some reassurance that you are physically fine to become pregant, and no damage was done to your uterus during surgery.
   
   I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please know you can always come back to vent. I understand and so do the countless number of women and their families who have shared their hearts here. You're right when you say you are not alone. I know some days it feels like it, but truly, there are so many who read your words, just like you did their's, and connect to you on a very emotional and spiritual level.
   
   Peace, Love and Healing to you,
   Ellen

   Sunday, November 22, 2009 08:02:03

   Michelle says:
   

   I just happened to come across this site and began reading the posts. I have been feeling awful lately as I miscarried at 15 weeks on May 29,2009. My due date was 11/25/09, but after reviewing my medical records believe my due date was adjusted to today 11/22/09. The way that my miscarriage occurred was like the most horrible nightmare that you could ever imagine. I re-live it every day in my mind. I should be celebrating the birth of my son this week, but instead am going to put flowers at his grave. This is a terrible time and I really could care less about the holidays this year. I am not even decorating at all for Christmas. I really wish to avoid them completely. Does anyone else feel the same?

   Sunday, November 22, 2009 17:23:42

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Michelle,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and certainly can relate to how you're feeling. As a matter of fact, my due date was to be right around Thanksgiving, (many years ago), and I remember feeling much like you. Thanksgiving, Christmas- holidays I always loved became something I wanted to avoid the year of my miscarriage.
   
   I'd venture to say I'm not the only one who has felt, or feels like you do. Even though the holidays are beautiful, they can be so difficult when you're in pain. Part of you wants to be happy and remembers being happy. Yet, you're very disconnected from feelings of happiness because you're grieving.
   
   I didn't want to decorate for Christmas, either. I remember saying to my husband at the time that all I wanted for Christmas was a baby, (when he asked me what I wanted). I cried when I answered him, and couldn't believe that what I thought was going to be my baby's first Christmas was in fact my first Christmas without him- I only had the dream of him and what life would have been like.
   
   Everyone is different, so we all grieve and cope differently. I did get through the Thanksgiving and Christmas, but it wasn't easy. I felt so alone in a room full of people. However, my family was and is a blessing. There were moments, throughout all my sadness, when I smiled. It was bittersweet, but I got through Thanksgiving and Christmas- even enjoyed moments.
   
   Please know that the best you can do is good enough. There might be people who don't understand the level of pain you're in, but that's okay. Sadly, people don't often get what they haven't lived. I had to step outside just to get myself together several times during Thanksgiving and Christmas. If you have to do the same, please do so. You're not being selfish, rude or anything of the sort. You're a woman who miscarried and you're grieving. You're also living through what should have been your due day- right at a time when people are gathered around you celebrating.
   
   Over time it does get a bit easier. You will heal and it won't be this difficult. But, that doesn't mean you'll forget. I still remember and have come to realize it's okay. I'm okay and perfectly normal for feeling like I do and did. So are you.
   
   I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please know you can always come here to vent. Sometimes, it helps just getting it out.
   
   Love, Light and much Healing to you,
   Ellen

   Monday, November 23, 2009 06:22:55

   Jessica says:
   

   My doctor's office called this morning to tell me it was too early to know anything, but they were wrong and already too late. I woke up to bleeding and cramps. The nurse told me she would pray for everything to turn out okay. I just said thanks, knowing nothing was going to be ok. The cramps have gotten very bad and the bleeding has increased. I just feel like a failure and feel so empty. I hate my body for telling me something was going on and letting me think I was going to have a baby, I hate that I took a stupid test and it said positive (or rather that all 4 said positive) and I hate that I let myself get my hopes up and get so excited when I knew something was wrong. It's bad enough to have a miscarriage at all, but I just wish it could be over with when you find out. It shouldn't have to hurt and hurt and hurt and last for days. I guess I should be thankful it's happening so soon. With my first my pregnancy symptoms continued for weeks and it took over a month after I found out it was a miscarriage before my body would finally let go of it. I just wish it could be over and I could forget about it. And on the other hand some sick part of me worries that when the pain is over that it makes it way too final. I hate that my friend who is pregnant is talking about how she is going to tell everyone tomorrow. I hate how all day tomorrow I will be thinking that I was so excited thinking about having a 4 month old for next Thanksgiving.
   I hate that I felt such contempt for that friend because she was at first thinking of getting an abortion. She talked about how hard her first pregnancy and delivery was and how she didn't want to go thru it again. I would gladly go thru all the pain and more. I know how big of a blessing a baby is. I hate how excited my husband was. I hate how he had already told his sisters and his co-workers and now has to deal with the embarrassment that I have been thru of telling them it's over and hearing what they think are sympathetic words and knowing that they're whispering about you and pitying you. I hate that I feel like I have killed my husband's happiness and that I have failed him. I hate thinking that when he looks at me he is thinking it's my fault that I am losing his babies. I hate that when I told my mom she told me it was for the best because something was wrong with the baby.
   I hate that I can't quit crying and that it feels like there's nothing left for me to hold on to. I hate that I can't get my mind off of it. I hate that I had to email my husband's sisters to tell them thanks for the congratulations but they wouldn't be getting a niece or nephew. I hate so much right now. But I don't even have the strength or will to hate. It's just a word. I went thru 2 yrs of depression last time. 2 long, hard yrs, where nothing and no one mattered. 2 yrs of feeling like my heart was being stabbed every time I saw a pregnant woman, a baby, any baby item or even heard the word baby. 2 yrs of feeling anxious in my own skin and just wanting to be able to just stop my mind and feelings.

   Thursday, November 26, 2009 02:25:12

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Jessica,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss and all the painful feelings you're going through. To say it's difficult is an understatement, and in my own way, I know how you feel.
   
   Sometimes the pain is so bad you do wish you could stop your mind and feelings. I used to hate to think and feel because of the tears, the pain, the thoughts that kept going around and around in my head. You sound emotionally beaten up and exhausted. I was the same way and I wish there was something I could do. I know there's not. I'm here...I care...I hear you and yet, no matter what I say, you're living this and feeling it. The only thing I can offer is this: I lived it and felt it, too. I went through the depression, the crying all the time, the mind racing and almost obsessing over my miscarriage. Each Thanksgiving I think of my son because it would have been his birthday, (close to Thanksgiving). Many years ago, I'd just want to cry during this time of year over the baby I loved and never got to hold. I was afraid of my feelings of wanting to escape- turn off my mind because the pain was too deep. I didn't like who I became because I wept nearly all the time, or was constantly fighting back the tears.
   
   My heart goes out to you. I feel your pain and know it cuts right to your core. Grief, the wondering, the jealousy, the feeling of hate you're carrying around- they have all been felt by me and others. Hate is a very strong word- and I pray you're not directing it towards yourself. I know what it's like to do that, and know how much it can hurt you.
   
   You're not a failure, Jessica. You've done nothing to cause your miscarriages. I hated the way I felt, and I hated the fact that I miscarried. I mean, who wouldn't? How can you not hate feeling depressed, sad, crying? How can you not hate missing your baby and wishing things had gone differently? I just ask one thing of you- one thing to think about: Please do not let your feelings of hate turn towards yourself- your core, your spirit, who you are. Your miscarriage- losing your baby- is one of the saddest things you'll go through. It does 'suck', for lack of a better word. It's so painful and can drag you down to a point where you don't know if you'll be able to get up again.
   
   Again...

   Thursday, November 26, 2009 06:48:13

   Ellen says:
   

   (continued)
   
   We are all allowed to feel what we feel, and there's no right or wrong way to grieve. I still miss my baby boy and feel his absence. I don't feel it's wrong. I'm the one who went through it just like you. I know your husband is suffering, too and I don't discount his feelings. But, your baby was in your womb and you experienced the loss emotionally and physically, so I know it's different.
   
   People who try to comfort us with their words often don't know they are hurting us. Hearing things like, It was probably for the best because something was wrong with the baby, doesn't comfort. Nothing really does. The only thing people can do is validate your loss and tell you how sorry they are. It doesn't make it all go away, but it doesn't hurt like so many other phrases do.
   
   Sadly, feeling is part of healing. All the crying, the thinking, the wondering what could have been, the jealousy of pregnant women or women with babies, the depression, the frustration- all of it needs to come out in order to heal. Your feelings are what they are and in this case, almost to much to take.
   
   (I talked to a doctor at one point- a counselor. I'm not too proud to admit it and don't think there's anything wrong with it for what it's worth. Please consider this if you feel like you need to share your feelings with someone who is not connected to you. Sometimes, it really helps to talk it out, just get those feelings out to another human being, who has no history with you. Just something to consider...)
   
   You will get through this, even though it's terrible, if you take things one moment at a time. Get help if you feel it's right for you. Whatever you decide. It's a very personal decision but we all need some guidance sometimes. There's no denying you are griefstricken. So, please don't deny yourself the time you need to get through this. Please go easy on yourself and please don't think of yourself, your body or any part of you as a failure. You are not. If you were, that would mean I am and every other woman who has miscarried. None of us are- although I know many have felt it.
   
   This time of year is supposed to be so joyful, but when you've suffered a loss- any loss be it a miscarriage, the loss of a loved one who already lived on this earth, a divorce or separation even- your pain is magnified. Why? Because you're surrounded by the sights and sounds, television commercials and stores glittering with lights- all making you feel you're supposed to be happy right now - and you feel so torn and alone.
   
   Oh, I know that feeling so well...
   
   One moment at a time. Take the time you need to breathe. Have a memorial for your babies if you're up to it. It can be a simple as a letter, a special plant, ornaments recognizing your babies. The love you feel for the babies you miscarried is as real as your grief. There's no closure. The little things I mentioned about recognizing your baby's life and love are not so little. They symbolize so much, and it took me a very long time to be able to do it. Yet, publically honoring my baby's life helped give me the closure it took years to find. I really don't want to see you have to wait years.
   
   I am here whenever you need to vent. I hope what I've written makes some sort of sense. I go with my feelings and let the words spill out, often not knowing if they're right, wrong, helpful or not. But, I'm here and listening. I care deeply about what you're living. I can assure you of that.
   
   Love, Light and much Healing to you,
   Ellen

   Thursday, November 26, 2009 06:48:30

   Laura Davey says:
   

   Thinking about you and your Thanksgiving Angel, little Alex. Hope today is peaceful and healing for you.
   Laura

   Thursday, November 26, 2009 10:07:24

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Laura,
   Thank you so much. Think of you, too, and how through your own loss, you've always managed to reach out to me and to others. You're a blessing. :)
   Love and Peace,
   Ellen

   Thursday, November 26, 2009 12:57:43

   Laura says:
   

   My husband and I lost our first baby to a missed miscarriage in September. I started to bleed ever so slightly and went to the hospital where they took blood tests and booked me in for a scan the next day. My baby should have been 10 weeks and 2 days old but they found no heartbeat and said it was the size of a 6 week old baby. We were devastated.
   I had to go back to the hospital the next day for a follow up blood test and was praying my hcg levels wouldnt have dropped and that they had made a mistake. It wasnt to be and our baby had died.
   5 days later I was booked in for a surgical evacuation of my womb.
   
   Its been 11 weeks now and I'm really not over it. My husband was there for me in every way but he now says he wants to wait a while before trying again and I think thats cos he found it so painful. I am thirty next month and just cant help but feel my time is running out, especially as he works away for 3 months and is only home for one month and especially as it took 18 months to conceive the first time. Then to top it off I fear if it does ever happen again then maybe we will suffer the same horrifying loss and maybe it will never happen for us.
   I just cant get my head round it all and long for a baby so much. if I knew for definite that our time would come I would relax and enjoy the times I have with my husband till it happened for us but its just that ticking of my body clock and of time slipping away thats devastating me more.

   Sunday, November 29, 2009 20:59:17

   Ellen says:
   

   Laura says:
   
   My husband and I lost our first baby to a missed miscarriage in September. I started to bleed ever so slightly and went to the hospital where they took blood tests and booked me in for a scan the next day. My baby should have been 10 weeks and 2 days old but they found no heartbeat and said it was the size of a 6 week old baby. We were devastated.
   I had to go back to the hospital the next day for a follow up blood test and was praying my hcg levels wouldnt have dropped and that they had made a mistake. It wasnt to be and our baby had died.
   5 days later I was booked in for a surgical evacuation of my womb.
   
   Its been 11 weeks now and I'm really not over it. My husband was there for me in every way but he now says he wants to wait a while before trying again and I think thats cos he found it so painful. I am thirty next month and just cant help but feel my time is running out, especially as he works away for 3 months and is only home for one month and especially as it took 18 months to conceive the first time. Then to top it off I fear if it does ever happen again then maybe we will suffer the same horrifying loss and maybe it will never happen for us.
   I just cant get my head round it all and long for a baby so much. if I knew for definite that our time would come I would relax and enjoy the times I have with my husband till it happened for us but its just that ticking of my body clock and of time slipping away thats devastating me more.
   
   Ellen says:
   
   Dear Laura,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss and know how devestating it is. We all grieve in our own way, at our own time. Eleven weeks is not long, although I know there are days when it feels like forever. Please know you're not alone in this. I'm aware that doesn't take away your pain, but knowing we understand you and what you're living makes the journey towards healing less isolating.
   
   The fear of your biological clock ticking is something many of us can relate to- whether we've had children or not. I'm not a doctor, but have read that fertility in women decreases significantly after age 35. I don't know if it's a fact, but found it in a pamphlet while at my gynocologist's office.
   
   (On a positive note:) I know many women in their thirties who have had very healthy, successful pregnancies- my sister being one of them. We are all so different, but I gently suggest talking to your doctor about this. Perhaps your mind would be put as ease. I wouldn't want to see your fears holding you back from healing. Believe, I know how scary it is to even think about living through another miscarriage. I had the same thoughts race through my mind. I've learned, over the years that no matter what my fears were or are, it's really not in my control. The healthiest thing to do, (in my opinion), is to have positive, healthy feelings about yourself, your pregnancy. It calms the mind and body and puts everything in the right state. The thing is, right now you're still so sad over your loss. It's only been 11 weeks and you deserve time to heal mentally, physically and spiritually. Again, I am deeply sorry.
   
   You and your husband probably need to talk this out some more. Maybe with your doctor? I don't know what's right for you, or how long you should wait before trying to conceive again. That's why I suggest meeting with your doctor. Having your husband away so much must be tough. There are many layers for you and your husband to work through. What I can assure of you of is that I'm here to listen and support you. I also have faith that you and your husband will get through all of this.
   
   Please let me know how you are doing. You are welcome here anytime, and I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Blessings, Love and Light to you,
   Ellen

   Monday, November 30, 2009 12:58:42

   Kayleigh says:
   

   I was looking through the internet trying to find ways to deal with miscarraige. Reading your storys i couldnt hold back the tears. I think about my baby everyday. I Lost my baby at 7 weeks. Was the most hurtful thing some one could say to me, i get jelous of every one that is pregnant or just had a baby. I blame my partners family for the misscarrige. As they put me through so much stress telling me to get rid of the baby, but i couldnt do it as am already a mother and my daughter is my life. So i just knew i couldnt abort this baby. But sadly the life was taking from me. Me and my partner argue about it as we just cant talk about it without arguing. I just dont no why we cant open up about it to each other.

   Friday, December 11, 2009 17:01:15

   Amy Ganote says:
   

   Ellen,
   
   I haven't written in awhile. I've been doing pretty good. I made it through the one year aniversay of our baby KatiAnn leaving us this past summer.
   
   But today is December 11th and KatieAnn would have been 9 months old today. And it hit me hard. I was at work and just started crying. I'm standing on a ladder holding a box of triscuits in WalMart and I'm crying my eyes out.
   
   This really shocked me. I haven't broke down like this in many months. But thinking about it hurt so much.
   
   I wonder would KatieAnn be a happy and cheerful baby. Would she be sleeping through the nite? Would her face light up like mine would have when she saw me? What would it feel like to hold KatieAnn while she slept?
   
   I'm going to sit here by the tree tonite and listen to some Christmas songs and cry. And then tomorrow I'm going to start to celebrate the Christmas season.
   
   Ellen thank you for all you do. Thank you for your listening ear. Thank you for your kind heart. Thank you for your kind and helpful words. And most of all thank you for just being there.
   
   I hope you and all the people on this message board have a Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. God Bless.
   
   Amy

   Friday, December 11, 2009 17:21:55

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Amy,
   Oh, I wish I were in Walmart when this happened to you. I'd have given you a great big hug. I am so sorry for your loss and for what you're going through. It's so difficult when our grief washes over us and causes unexpected tears to fall, and fall, and fall. Being the anniversary of your babies nine month old birthday is tough and all the 'what could have beens' in the world go through your mind.
   
   I certainly relate to you. I have lived the better part of eighteen years wondering what could have been. For as much as I've grown, especially on a spiritual level, I am sometimes overtaken by thoughts about my son, Alex. He would have been eighteen this past Thanksgiving, and that was a landmark in my mind and heart. I thought about what his life would have been like- what mine would have been like had he stayed on earth. I imagined what all the Christmas times together over the past eighteen years would have looked like, felt like, been like. I thought about how his being eighteen would have probably meant college applications and the beginning of his venturing out on his own. I wondered what all the empty photo albums would have looked like had they been filled.
   
   Oh, I know why you cried the tears you did, and my heart is with you.
   
   Allowing yourself to just sit by the tree and cry is probably one of the healthiest things you could do for yourself. By giving yourself permission to grieve, you let out so much that needs to come out. You also said you'd begin celebrating the Christmas season the next day. That says to me that you know you need to be sad for a while, but plan on making the most out of the moment and season after you've let your tears fall.
   
   That's what we do. We dust ourselves off and get back up. It's not always easy. We just do it and move on with our lives and do the best we can. We live the best life we can. That doesn't mean you don't feel or grieve. It doesn't mean you won't be overcome by emotions again. It means you're human, you feel, you still miss your baby and wonder about her. It means we are very much alike- those who have live through a miscarriage know of the wondering and the ache.
   
   I will think of my son on Christmas Day as I always have. I know you will think of your KatiAnn. So many of us here and all over the world who have lived through miscarriage carry a love that runs so deep in our hearts for our babies- the babies we loved but never held.
   
   It gets easier over time, but you don't forget- and you're not expected to. Know I'll be holding you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings to you- and have a Merry Christmas,
   Ellen

   Saturday, December 12, 2009 14:20:21

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Kayleigh,
   I am so sorry for your loss and for the stress that's lingering between you and your partner. Arguing over the loss of your baby is heartbreaking- and you're certainly going through enough without all the tension caused by arguments.
   
   It must have been terrible to have your partner's family pressuring you to get rid of your baby. While I can't say that's the reason you miscarried, I do feel you were in a very, very uncomfortable position. All you wanted to feel was the joy of bringing a new life into this world, yet you were told to 'get rid of the baby'. I would not have dealt with that very well and can understand why you're placing the blame on them. The thing is, we really never know why we miscarry. All we do know is how much it hurts. Believe me, I know the kind of pain and ache you're feeling.
   
   What I'd suggest is for you and your partner to seek counseling if at all possible. I'm not an expert and my marriage did not survive my miscarriage. I don't blame my miscarriage on the demise of my marriage, but the distance between my ex-husband and I certainly grew after I miscarried. He wasn't ready for a baby. It was a surprise to me, too. But, I knew I'd love our baby with everything I had- and thought he would, too. I still believe he would have if I carried my Alex to term. However, I didn't and after my miscarriage I felt so disconnected from my ex. We couldn't talk about it and I felt like he didn't really care. We can all look back and say, "If only we did this or that differently". If only my ex and I went to therapy before our marriage fell apart...Well, we didn't. It was much more than the miscarriage that drove us from each other, but I know my grieving and anxiety combined with his lack on compassion was not a good combination. It was more like a recipe for disaster.
   
   I don't want this for you. If you can feel your feelings, work through them, allow yourself to grieve and turn to the one person you need most for support, you'd feel a sense of relief. If the tension between you and your partner left your relationship, you'd have each other to lean on instead of pushing away from.
   
   You must feel so alone, and I am deeply sorry for that. Please know I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Your partner's family cannot dictate to you how to feel. I know they didn't want your baby, but they aren't you. You are feeling this loss because you loved your baby. You have every right to grieve, feel and need time to heal. They can't take that from you if you don't allow them to. They feel as they do for a reason, but I ask to you please take your mind off of them and focus on getting yourself into a better place- and your relationship. Hopefully, your partner wants you to grow closer and not further apart. If you need help in discovering this, and in dealing with your grief and isolation, there is no shame in talking it out with someone who doesn't know you and can gently guide you down the right path for you.
   
   Blessings, Love and Light to you. Come back whenever you want and please let me know how you're doing.
   
   Ellen

   Saturday, December 12, 2009 14:21:27

   Deb says:
   

   Hi Ellen,
   
   I just found your website. Last year (2008), I suffered two miscarriages in a row, and this after trying to get pregnant for six years prior. The first loss was at 5 weeks and the second loss was at 8 weeks. After the second loss, I got extremely depressed, became suicidal, and lost my job. I was hospitalized over the holidays in 2008 and don't remember much of Christmas or New Year's.
   
   I've been in counseling since I was released from the hospital in January, which has helped significantly. I've also been on medication. I'm still out of work though I've been trying to find a new job since March. And, though, I've been doing better with the depression, the triggers are still there. Everytime I hear anything about a pregnancy or see a baby, I lose it.
   
   Will I ever get past that? My husband has gotten frustrated with me because it's been over a year and I still get upset. We don't know if we will try again given my emotional instability after the miscarriages.
   
   I'm just not sure what to do.
   
   Thanks,
   Deb

   Sunday, December 13, 2009 23:55:15

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Deb,
   
   I am so sorry for your losses and for the road you've walked since. With each step, you heal more. I know some days it doesn't really feel like that.
   
   Will you ever get past the emotionals you've carried since your miscarriages? I think you'll heal, as you've done with the help of a counselor- at least for now. It's good to have a trusting relationship with your counselor because he or she is there for YOU. Unlike people you live with, a counselor won't get frustrated, etc. You know this because you've had time to talk things out and build that relationship.
   
   My ex-husband wasn't very supportive- from the get go, so I know that feeling of not being able to turn and get the support you need from your husband. But, although this is about your relationship, it's mostly about you and your healing. A year is not a long time to grieve. Not to me. As I look back, I know I was caught in a web of grief for several years and I still miss my baby- eighteen years after losing him.
   
   It took me a couple of years, (without counseling- that came later), to handle being around pregnant women, seeing them, going to a baby shower, walking down the baby isle or even past it in a grocery store, buying baby clothes for other people's children. Oh, it was rough and I know what you're living. A trigger would come, often unexpectedly, and I'd be in tears or fighting them back. I wish I'd gotten some counseling sooner.
   
   With that I do believe you will get past the emotional volatility you're living. I think it'll take more time and right now we are in the Christmas season. It's a time for many triggers for you. You were in the hospital last year at this time. I see how far you've come from this time last year. I also see a person who is struggling with her pain, missing her baby, thinking about all the "what ifs and could have beens."
   
   I was that person. I was very much like you. Matter of fact, just last night I took a little Christmas baby onesie I have under the tree and held it. It's still empty- always has been, and I wondered about my son and not having a baby, and how beautiful it would feel to hold my own. Now, I wouldn't say I was grieving. I was reflecting and there's still a longing. After holding the outfit for a minute, I put it back- and what did I do?
   
   I listened to meditational CD and it calmed me down- mind, body and spirit. It balanced me and put me in much better place. This, (listening to meditation CD's and helpful audiobooks), is something I turned to on my road to healing, combined with my faith. My spiritual side has done nothing but grow since my miscarriage. I didn't feel it right away because I was stuck. And, to expect yourself to be past some very painful emotions after only a year, during the Christmas season, may be asking too much of yourself.
   
   There are things you can do to help you get through- like making time for just you to listen to a helpful guided meditation, or a helpful CD by Dr. Wayne Dyer, Sylvia Brown, Dr. Brian Weiss and more. It's got to feel right for you and you'll know it if it does. These things helped me SO much, but it took time to find them. Now, I can share these ideas with others because I've found they worked, and still work, for me. It's a personal choice and if you're comfortable with it, ask to be led to the right thing for you- then keep your eyes open.
   
   If it feels right, dive into your spirituality. I've come to rely on God and the angels for so much.

   Monday, December 14, 2009 08:46:06

   Ellen says:
   

   To Deb (continued)
   You mentioned your 'emotional instablility'. I gently ask you to consider your emotional stability. You've done so much for yourself in terms of getting the help you need and being open to it. Any of us who fall so deeply into a depression that we're suicidal need help. But, not all people are open to receiving it. They remain locked up so tightly. You are not one of those people because you have stuck it out over this past year and are trying to heal. I give you credit, and I know it's been so difficult for you.
   
   Deb, you are healing and you will come to a point where the tears will lessen. You will arrive at a place where you can be around pregnant women without losing it. Please believe that and you may feel a shift take place within you.
   
   I once heard Dr. Wayne Dyer say, in one of his audiobooks, "You can grieve and still live." Those words have stuck with me and I think it's because they were supposed to. I also believe I was meant to share them when the moment's right. This is one of those moments.
   
   Resisting your grief instead of allowing yourself to grieve makes healing more difficult. Go with it, take one step at a time. If you need to cry and are in a place where you don't feel comfortable doing so, take a deep breath and tell yourself, literally, that you promise to allow yourself the time you need to cry, feel, whatever, when you get home. Give yourself permission to grieve and feel. The more your feelings come out, the more room you have inside for better things to come along and fill your soul. Holding it in never helped anyone. Myself included.
   
   I've gone on here, and I hope something I've said makes sense to you. I can feel your pain, but I can also feel your hope, your strength and your spirit.
   
   Within a year after my miscarriage I was led to a book, one of the very first books that truly impacted my life and my thinking and it was written back in the 1930's and 40's. It's called "The Wisdom of Florence Scovel Schinn". She had long since passed over to the other side when I found her book- which is actually a combination of three books she wrote. It's all about how our thoughts create our life, our reality. It's about having faith in something you can't see and about people, just like you and me, who felt like nothing was ever going to go right and how she, with just a few words, 'righted their thinking'. They had to make the change within themselves, but she was instrumental in making it happen- in giving them the tools they needed to do it. These people went from feeling life would be sad forever to feeling hope, and feeling it in the "now". That's not to say life is without struggle. It is. But, life is not without joy. Sometimes it takes a bit of help and and opening of your spirit to allow the joy in. It's hard to do when you're sad. So, when moments of joy occur, and they will, please try to allow them in.
   
   If you and your husband have gotten to the point where you just can't talk about your pain over your miscarriages and what you went through afterwards in the hospital, please focus on you, your healing and your work with your counselor. You have your counselor to talk to. Through your own healing I believe your relationship with your husband will improve. You need and deserve the time, and that's one thing I pray he understands. Men, and I don't mean to generalize, often feel very frustrated when they can't 'fix things'. It's almost like they are programmed to be this way. You are the woman he loves and you've been in pain. He can't fix it. I think he hears what you're saying and acts frustrated with you, (I'm not excusing it), because he believes there's not a thing he can do to help you. When you think about it, all he's got to do is listen or give you a hug. That's it. His road probably involves coming to terms with that. I'm not trying to play 'armchair psychologist'. It's an observation based on my personal experience.
   
   Please keep the faith. If it feels right, try some of the things I mentioned that'll help balance out your mind, body and spirit. They also include trying some yoga, even if only for a few minutes, going outdoors and just taking in the sun, nature and its beauty, and drawing in a few deep breaths of fresh air. Go over these ideas with your counselor, and maybe he or she will have some different, or better, suggestions for you.
   
   I'll be keeping you in my thought and prayers. This time of year can be so joyful, yet so painful if we are in a place of grief. It can be both- and all you can do is YOUR best. That is good enough. You're good enough.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings to you,
   Ellen
   
   PS- Perhaps you can honor your babies by placing two special ornaments on your tree just for them. It sounds so small, but can help so, so much by giving you a sense of closure. It also gives you the chance to have a 'memorial', if you will, for your babies- something I waited sixteen years to do.

   Monday, December 14, 2009 08:46:26

   leanne says:
   

   hi, ive just found this website and just had to write something as its driving me mad inside all the hurt and pain im feeling at moment. im 26, married, got 2 beautful girls, 9 and 3 who mean everything to us. We tryed for baby october last year (2008)everything was going well then i started to bleed on 7th december, went to hospital and was told we was misscarrying our baby,we was 10weeks, we was devastated! couldnt believe this was happen to us, after having 2 healthy pregnancys. We was heartbroken as u can guess. It took alot off time but as family we pulled together and got over it as much as we could. So when we found out we was pregnant again ocotober this year (2009) we was so happy, a little scared at same time because of what happen before. So we had 2 early scans one at 6weeks, then one at 8weeks and 5days. the baby was fine, had stronge heartbeat, we was so happy and hoping this time everything was going to work out. So today 15th december, went for our 12 week scan, when we got in there and they started to scan they found there was no heartbeat and baby had died not long after 9week stage. my heart sunk, i couldnt believe that this was happening again. my husband and i just looked at each other blanked face, didnt no what to say, or even think about what to tell the childrn as they was so excited. So tomorrow we go back in to hospital to have the baby removed which is so sad as theres nothing more then i want to do then full asleep and hope its all a bad dream. I dont know what im feeling at moment, im so greatfull to the 2 children we have, but long so much to have the babys we have lost. I feel a little better being able to write all this down, feel ive let some of my sadness out on this site, thank you, leanne

   Tuesday, December 15, 2009 15:37:01

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Leanne,
   I am so sorry for your losses. It's certainly be a very tough year or so for you and your family. My heart goes out to all.
   
   I know the feeling of going in for your ultrasound and finding out your baby passed away. There are no words to describe that feeling, and I completely understand you and your husband just looking at each other with 'blank faces'.
   
   You're grieving the loss of two babies, and with Christmas and the holiday season is upon us. it's even more difficult. The world around you is celebrating, yet you are in mourning. You miss your sweet babies and I can imagine how difficult it must be to make sure the beautiful children you have on earth with you are happy, etc. One day at a time is all you can do...please remember that.
   
   It sounds like you have a loving husband and you can lean on each other. Your children, I know, are lights in your life. However, each loss has to be grieved and you have two babies you are missing so much.
   
   I wish you didn't have to find this site, but I am glad you did. Letting out some of your feelings does help. I know it doesn't take away your pain, your loss, or any of what you're living. But, allowing yourself to feel helps you to heal. Writing them out is a way of doing that. It's like letting some of the air out of a balloon before it pops. There may be times when you need to do it again, and you are always welcome here. I understand what you've been through, and as you may have read from the countless, heartbreaking stories here, there are so many of us who empathize with you.
   
   I think knowing you are not alone in your walk helps. I wish there were more I could do to make things easier. What I can do is listen and care about you and how you are. When we reach out to each other, we gain strength. It helps us to stand after such a fall. Miscarriage is a very hard fall.
   
   I don't know when, or if you'll be ready, but you may want to have some sort of memorial for your babies. If you celebrate Christmas, perhaps you could hang two ornaments in honor of your babies on the tree. Maybe lighting candles for them would feel right, or setting two balloons into the air for them.
   
   You will know what feels right for you and when you're ready to do it. Know that each step of the way along your healing journey, you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Like I mentioned, you are always welcome here to express what you need to and believe me, you are heard.
   
   Love, Light and Healing to you,
   
   Ellen

   Tuesday, December 15, 2009 23:47:45

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Leanne,
   I am so sorry for your losses. It's certainly be a very tough year or so for you and your family. My heart goes out to all.
   
   I know the feeling of going in for your ultrasound and finding out your baby passed away. There are no words to describe that feeling, and I completely understand you and your husband just looking at each other with 'blank faces'.
   
   You're grieving the loss of two babies, and with Christmas and the holiday season is upon us. it's even more difficult. The world around you is celebrating, yet you are in mourning. You miss your sweet babies and I can imagine how difficult it must be to make sure the beautiful children you have on earth with you are happy, etc. One day at a time is all you can do...please remember that.
   
   It sounds like you have a loving husband and you can lean on each other. Your children, I know, are lights in your life. However, each loss has to be grieved and you have two babies you are missing so much.
   
   I wish you didn't have to find this site, but I am glad you did. Letting out some of your feelings does help. I know it doesn't take away your pain, your loss, or any of what you're living. But, allowing yourself to feel helps you to heal. Writing them out is a way of doing that. It's like letting some of the air out of a balloon before it pops. There may be times when you need to do it again, and you are always welcome here. I understand what you've been through, and as you may have read from the countless, heartbreaking stories here, there are so many of us who empathize with you.
   
   I think knowing you are not alone in your walk helps. I wish there were more I could do to make things easier. What I can do is listen and care about you and how you are. When we reach out to each other, we gain strength. It helps us to stand after such a fall. Miscarriage is a very hard fall.
   
   I don't know when, or if you'll be ready, but you may want to have some sort of memorial for your babies. If you celebrate Christmas, perhaps you could hang two ornaments in honor of your babies on the tree. Maybe lighting candles for them would feel right, or setting two balloons into the air for them.
   
   You will know what feels right for you and when you're ready to do it. Know that each step of the way along your healing journey, you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Like I mentioned, you are always welcome here to express what you need to and believe me, you are heard.
   
   Love, Light and Healing to you,
   
   Ellen

   Tuesday, December 15, 2009 23:48:49

   Katherine says:
   

   Hi, i,ve prevoiulsly shared my pain about my miscarriage with you, I am currently 6 weeks pregnant. And i am so SCARED. I was totally unprepared for the rawness of my grief for my Angel baby when i found out i was pregnant again. I am painfully aware that instead of being 37 weeks pregnant i am 6weeks. I want to enjoy this pregnancy but i just dont think i can.

   Sunday, December 20, 2009 04:50:41

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Katherine,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and I truly understand your fears. You're still grieving the loss of one life while wanting to celebrate another. Yet, after walking the painful road after miscarriage, of course you're afraid of it happening again.
   
   So, how do you enjoy this pregnancy like you want to, and deserve to? I've never been in your position because I wasn't pregnant again. I get what you're saying and why and I know many women have been in your situation and have had the same feelings.
   
   Our thoughts are so powerful and you can tell by the amount of fear you have right now. To be pregnant while still grieving the loss of your other baby would set off all kinds of fear triggers with me. So, I gently suggest you try to balance the scales out a bit so you can enjoy this pregnancy as much as possible.
   
   An example of this would be my parents. When my mother was seven months pregnant with me, my brother passed away. He was around 18 months. I know both parents were walking on eggshells for the duration of my mother's pregnancy with me. How could they not? They just buried their son in February and I was due in May.
   
   Fear...it can grab hold of us and rob us of our joy if we allow it to take control of our thoughts. But, how do we stop it? We're human and feel. When terrible things happen, they leave an imprint upon us.
   
   My parents gave birth to me while grieving the loss of David, my brother. They were so relieved to hear the word "healthy" when I was born. They didn't hear that word when David was born, just like you sadly found out your precious baby had passed over while pregnant before.
   
   Yes, you are still healing from you miscarriage and it's a hard road. There's no minimizing that. Each life, each baby is so loved and cherished. What I gently suggest is focusing, as best you can, on the now. Don't push yourself, but when you feel excited about this pregnancy, allow yourself to do so. When you're afraid, allow yourself to grieve. I think what helps is allowing yourself to feel both ends of the spectrum. The joy of being pregnant again fills you with anticipation of the new life you will bring into this world. The pain of your miscarriage fills you with fear that it may not happen.
   
   You're in a joyful place and a difficult one at the same time. That's very hard to "wrap your brain around."
   
   There are comments on this site about women who have miscarried and become pregnant shortly afterwards. If you have the time, please read through them and know you are not alone in your fears.
   
   Sometimes we become afraid of being happy after we've been hurt because we're afraid it'll be taken away from us and we don't want to live through the same pain and disappointment again. The trouble with this is that we prevent, (I'm talking about so many of us), ourselves from enjoying the happiness that is right there in front of us. Our fears, (thoughts), of what did happen and might happen again hold us back.
   
   While the loss of your baby to miscarriage will never be forgotten or dismissmed, the baby you are carrying now is also loved very much by you. I gently suggest you try to focus on the happy outcome you want and try to visualize it happening. I think doing this will help you experience some joy right now- the joy you deserve and need.
   
   If you find yourself unable to do this, maybe you could talk about it with your doctor. Perhaps some reassurance will help relieve some of your fear. I also ask that anyone reading this who has lived what Katherine has to please share your experience with her. Knowing there are people who truly know the road we're walking helps us to feel less alone, less afraid, and more hopeful.
   
   So many things we think are in our control simply aren't. Often, we learn this through painful experiences- like your miscarriage. Again, I am so sorry. On the flip side, we often learn how much isn't in our control when joyful things happen- like your pregnancy right now. All we can do is have faith, take life one moment at a time, and do our best.
   
   Your best is good enough- you are good enough- and I pray you'll have a beautiful experience with this pregnancy and deliver a healthy, happy baby.
   
   I often listen to audio books or meditational CD's because they calm me in so many ways: mentally, physically and spiritually. They renew my mind, help my thinking, and give me new perspectives that I may have been too blinded by pain, confusion or grief to see. If you'd like to know what's helped me, just drop me a line & I'd be happy to share some books & CD's that have really made a difference. Even some inspirational movies.
   
   Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Love, Light and Comfort to you,
   Ellen

   Sunday, December 20, 2009 07:27:56

   Kara says:
   

   My husband and I are 24 years old and both healthy. We decide to try for a child and conceived in our first month of trying and were very excited. At 8 weeks i started spotting with no craps and got in to see my Doctor right away. He wanted to tack my hormone levels and have an ultrasound done right away and then go home. I went to the hospital and had blood work done and tried to book an ultrasound for ASAP. This was on November 3rd, 2009 and the soonest that the unltasound department would get me in was November 20th, 2009. I went home and tried to call my Doctor to tell him what was going on....someone took my message and i waited the rest of the day to here from a nurse or my Doctor - no one called. I called again first thing the next moring to tell him that the ultasound dept would not see me right away hoping that he would pull some strings and get me in. I didn't even get to speak to anyone this time, I just got put throught to an answering service. I tried all day and no one would talk to me or call me back. Dec 5th, 2009 I went back to get blood work done at 8AM. After that I went back to the clinic hopeing to see my Doctor. At 11:30am after wainting at the clinic since 8:30 am the receptionist told me that he had contacted the ultrasound dept and to go home and wait for them to call me. If the ultasound dept hadn't called my 1:00pm to come back to the clinic. The ultrasound dept never called so I went back to the clinic. By this time I was starting to cramp really bad. I had never felt contractions before but my cramps would come every few minutes really hard then go away. I was back at the clinic at 1:00pm and sat there until 3:00pm when I was told to go the ultasound dept at the hospital. When I arrived at the ultasound dept the ladys were very rude. The tech was mad because my bladder was empty (i did not know that you needed to have a full bladder for an ultasound). I sat in the wating room trying to drink as much water as I could. My cramps were getting worse and I felt so cold. Then I just started shaking and couldn't contol it. I asked for help but was just told to wait my turn. I finally got in with the tech and she could not see anything and wanted to do an internal ultasound. In order to do this she wanted my bladder empty. I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding very heavly all over with clots. By now my cramping had stopped. I knew what had happened and couldn't stop crying but the tech insisted on doing the internal ultasound eventhough I was bleeding. When she was done she told me to drive my self back to the clinic to see my doctor.....I was devistated. I had just lost my baby and she was showing no compassion at all. I finally lost it and told her to call my doctor because i was in no condition to drive. Another lady came in, put me in a wheel chair and took me up to the maternity ward. I had a D&C at 9:00pm that night. If anyone looked at me i just started crying. When my husban came i felt so ashamed that i had lost our baby. I remember the nurses trying to comfort me and when I woke up from the D&C I just started crying. I thought I was starting to heal from all of this. I was getting excited to try again next month but with the holidays so close I am finding it very hard. I am also having a hard time being around my sister in law and her new baby. In her first trimester she was still smoking, drinking, and staying out all hours of the night partying. She didn't eat properly and didn't take any folic acid. I know that my miscarriage is not her fault but I just don't understand why she gets a beautiful perfect baby and I had to loose mine.
   Thank you for letting me tell my story.

   Wednesday, December 23, 2009 16:37:38

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Kara,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss, and for the way you were treated by those you trusted to care for you. It makes me so sad to think about the way you, your baby and your miscarriage were dismissed. I don't understand the long periods of waiting before any tests were done. I don't know why you were left to suffer by the phone, in the clinic. This kind of dismissive attitude needs to change and fast. It only made you hurt more and feel more alone. I am appauled at how you were treated by the ultrasound technician and those at the clinic. The only people who seemed to show any compassion were the nurses who tried to comfort you after your D&C.
   
   This time of year can be so joyful- and very stressful. I can see why you'd find it difficult to think about getting pregnant right now. There's a whirlwind of activity going on around you, and you're still grieving the loss of your little one. Please try to take one step at a time and allow yourself the time and space you need to heal. There's nothing selfish about it. We all need to heal after any loss and miscarriage is a very real loss as you sadly know.
   
   Being around your sister-in-law triggers so many emotions inside of you. I know she didn't treat her body right- while you did. Yet, she had a healthy baby and you lost yours. It's very sad and we just don't have the answers. It took me a long time to realize that none of it was in my hands. My miscarriage was not my fault nor was it in my control. You're not to blame for your miscarriage. Your sister-in-law had a healthy baby and I can't say she didn't deserve to, but I can see from your eyes how much it would hurt. There are so many things in this life we think, or wish, we could control. Many of us, including myself, learn through pain that it just doesn't work that way. I wish I could do something to help with your pain. I hear you, acknowledge your grief and want you to know that I care very much about what you're living and the tears you're crying.
   
   So, what do you do? How do you get through this? How do you manage being around your sister-in-law and her baby? Well, one moment at a time. All you can do is your best and there's nothing wrong with that. It took me quite a while before I could feel comfortable around pregnant women or feel like I wasn't going to lose it at the sight of a mother with her new baby. When I say quite a while, I mean years. Even today there's still a bit of a sting.
   
   If you find yourself stressed out inside- please step away and go outside if at all possible. Example: You're at a family gathering and starting to feel very sad or uncomfortable. Maybe the new baby is there and you love the baby, but miss yours so much. I really understand this and know that it's at that moment you can give yourself permission to step away and take some good, deep, cleansing breaths- outside and away from people. I had to do this at baby showers. I had to do this the first Christmas after my miscarriage because I was still grieving. You can only do your best as you travel the road to healing after miscarriage- and that's good enough.
   
   One of the biggest reasons this site exists is because women and their families need a place where they are not cast aside as if their miscarriage didn't matter. You had a miscarriage- but you lost your baby. That's the part many people can't seem to wrap their brains around- even some of those in the medical community. Doctors, nurses, technicians- everyone who comes into contact with a woman who has miscarried or is miscarrying must realize that this woman is losing the child she loves. I wish you were treated SO much better than you were. But, just like healing is done one step at a time, so is creating awareness.
   
   By sharing your heart and your story you've let out some feelings you needed to express and you've also shown a very disheartening example of how women many who miscarry are treated by some in the medical community. Not all, but there shouldn't be any kind of dismissive attitude....period. You deserved so much more. You needed so much more.
   
   Some comforting words...some caring...some heart.
   
   Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Take one day at a time throughout Christmas, the new year- all of it. Then take the time to get in touch with you and your healing. With the flurry of activity going on right now, it can be hard to think, heal, feel, or just be still.
   
   I think you need more time- physically, emotionally and spiritually. You may want to have a some sort of memorial for your baby. It can be a special plant, a tree, an ornament on your tree if you celebrate Christmas- just for your baby. This way, you are helping yourself gain some of the closure you need. It'll still take time to heal, but it helps to do something to honor your baby's short stay with you- a stay that touched your heart forever.
   
   Love, Light and Healing to you,
   
   Ellen

   Wednesday, December 23, 2009 22:24:47

   Christy says:
   

   Hi,
   
   I am very happy to have found this site. Not happy because of what you have all had to go through, but happy to know I am not alone, and what I am feeling is "normal" in the circumstances. I am 26 years old and I was recently pregnant with my second child. We found out in mid September/09. It was very weird timing because it was the same day I had found out I was pregnant with my son two years earlier, therefore the due dates were also very close. Everything seemed to be going fine. I went in for my 11 week ultrasound and same thing..... no heartbeat. They said the baby only developed until about six weeks and then stopped. For some reason my body did not miscarry and I carried it that way for about 5 weeks. I had a D&C done and was devastated. My best friend is expecting and was about 4 weeks behind me. I hate that she is expecting and that every ultrasound she goes to is fine. I know that sounds awful, but it's not that I wish something would happen to her pregnancy, it's just that it feels so unfair she is getting the results we should have as well. I am anxious to try again, but I am also terrified.

   Wednesday, December 30, 2009 16:38:30

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Christy,
   
   I am deeply sorry for your losses and for what you're living through right now. Miscarriage is such a painful loss and to experience it twice, right around the same time must leave you feeling so confused, sad, and scared.
   
   Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you.
   
   Trying again after experiencing two miscarriage would be scary. I know I'd be afraid, and fear is a very tough thing to overcome when it gets the better of us. You're still grieving the loss of your precious little one(s) and I think fear often goes hand in hand with grief. We can be afraid of different things: miscarriage happening again, feeling 'normal' again, not being able to cope with being around pregnant women, feelings of jealousy- even towards those we love dearly, who have healthy children or are experiencing a healthy pregnancy, walking down the baby isle and feeling the tears coming to the surface, attending a baby shower and fearing you'll lose it.
   
   I carried these fears with me after my miscarriage and what I needed most was compassion and time to heal. I know you want a baby more than anything, and I pray your dreams come true. I gently suggest you give yourself the time you need to heal- emotionally, physically and spiritually. Fear will release its grip on you over time and I believe you'll get to a point where you're in a much better place to try again-
   
   When you do try again, it'd probably be better all around for you if you waited a bit and walked the road of healing. I know it's so difficult. Believe me. But, your feelings are so important. Those tears that fall do make room for something better to enter your life. I know in so many cases there is no closure after miscarriage. You've lost your baby and I believe you need closure. I released balloons. Others have planted trees, wear special miscarriage jewelry, honor their babies in some way so they are better able to move on without this terrible, nagging feeling of a life not being acknowledged. I waited far too long to do this and it's because I didn't know any better. It wasn't until after I wrote my book and this site was born that I learned I could have my own small memorial for my son. It took me seventeen years to do it and even after such a long time I finally got the closure I needed.
   
   We are at the end of one year and standing on the fringes of a new one. I'd like this to be a year of hope, joy and miracles for you. You may want to talk to your doctor to see what's best for you in terms of trying again, etc. I'd like your mind to be more at ease because I know what it does to you when your mind is uneasy. It's like your whole world is upside-down and you want so much for it to right itself. This happens with time and people who love you, care about how you feel and listen to you. It all helps with your healing and as you heal, your world slowly turns around and is where you need it to be.
   
   Please keep the faith. Know you are not alone in any of what you're feeling. Your fears of miscarrying again and the discomfort you feel about your friend being pregnant have been felt by so many of us, including myself. The day I found out my son had crossed over into Heaven is the very same day I found out a dear friend was pregant. It was like the wind got knocked out of my sails all over again, and like you, I had to wait for my D&C because I did not miscarry on my own. Oh, just thinking about it brings all the emotions back like it was yesterday.
   
   I ask you to resolve to take some time for YOU as we enter this new year. In doing so, I pray you find and FEEL the hope and healing taking place inside.
   
   Please keep me posted if you want. I really care about how you're doing.
   
   Love, Light and Healing to you,
   Ellen

   Thursday, December 31, 2009 09:34:21

   Ferren says:
   

   My name is Ferren,I've posted comments on this site a few times before. I miscarried last year in March,I thought by now things would be getting better and I'd possibly be expecting again, Of course that's not the case.....I have been having extrenely long periods and the hardest time getting pregnant. I have children already and I know I'm blessed and greatful for that but I still want another baby. Women all around me are getting pregnant and I've heard all kinds of complaints about them not wanting their babies or anymore children and for the life of me I don't understand why it can't be me, I want another baby, it just doesnt seem fair, I struggle with this every day and continue to try my hardest to hold myself together, things are not getting easier and i feel like I'm losing it, I just want it to end, all the hurt and pain, the tears, the stress everything!

   Monday, January 04, 2010 18:28:15

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Ferren,
   
   I am so sorry for all the emotional battles you've been living with. I'm sorry for the loss of your baby- deeply sorry.
   
   I know what it's like to be surrounded by women with children or who are pregnant when all you want is your own baby to hold and to love. When you miscarry, it's very difficult to move beyond the sometimes resentful feelings you have towards mothers who seem to take their kids for granted. I believe we, (myself included), have a tendency to say to ourselves- Don't you know how blessed you are to be pregant or holding your new baby in your arms? Don't you know what I am missing and would give anything for?
   
   I've been there Ferren- and back again. I do know how you feel and also have lived through the cycle of things not seeming to get easier. It feels quite the opposite because the stress, the tears, the pain feels worse instead of better over time.
   
   Grief after a miscarriage is so full of peaks and valleys. One day you feel like maybe you're getting there. You get this sense that somehow you're going to be okay and heal. You feel hopeful- maybe not yourself, but hopeful and that counts for a lot. Suddenly you're crying what feels like a million tears and it seems like you've taken ten steps back.
   
   But you haven't. You're not moving backwards. You're healing and with that comes feeling. What you're healing from is one of the most profound pains in this life. You lost the baby you never held and I know you still dream of your baby. The love you feel for your baby will not go away nor will it be broken.
   
   With me, my grief worked its way into my perception about everything. People around me seemed different. Life was different. I felt so different. I longed to be "me" again and hadn't a clue where I went.
   
   Time isn't a word that holds a lot of positive meaning to you right now. Yet, time is what heals and sometimes we need help along our road. Whether it's coming her to vent, which you have right every to, or talking things out with a counselor...whatever it is that'll help you get out some of your feelings and purge them. You have felt them and they need to be released because if they're not, you'll end up feeling like a powder keg ready to explode.
   
   I felt it, too.
   
   I suppose the most I can offer you is my heart, my understanding, my empathy. You're not alone in this, but I know it feels like you are. Reaching out, if only to write some of your feelings out of your system can help. It does help because so many women have done so right here. We need to connect because the island we believe we are alone on is really an island full of women and their families who have lived through the very heartbreaking experience of losing a child to miscarriage. When our eyes clear from the tears, we see there are others around us who feel just as alone, misunderstood and isolated as you do right now.
   
   Right now, you've hit a rough patch. Healing sounds like just a word rather than the 'verb' it is. I know you will heal Ferren, just as much as I know you will never, ever forget the baby you love but never got to see.
   
   Please, give yourself the time you deserve and need. I know you love your children, but that doesn't mean you don't mourn the loss of your baby. It doesn't mean you're not grateful for them or love them with all you are. It means you are still healing and there are obstacles you've yet to overcome. You're human and believe me, there's not a feeling you mentioned I haven't felt myself. Well, other than having children, which I don't yet.
   
   If you really feel stuck, please think about talking things out. If you can find a support group or a counselor to help guide you...perhaps just having someone listen to you and only you will help in your healing.
   
   Also, you may want to do something like I did. I had a memorial service, just me and my best friend, for my baby boy. Oh, I waited seventeen years to do it, and it was still necessary for me. I wrote him a letter. I kissed a balloon and set it free into the air. As I watched it disappear, I felt the love for my son surrounding me. I knew he was okay- but I wasn't. Through acknowledging his life with me here, although very brief, I felt a sense of closure I never had.
   
   I felt with all my heart, and this is my belief, my son was very, very happy in Heaven. It was I who remained here on earth suffering, hurting, crying and yes, healing.
   
   Please let me know how you're doing. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Love and Light to you,
   Ellen
   
   PS- I've found guided meditations to be so helpful. I just put a CD in my portable player with some headphones on and let myself enter a better, more balanced place. For me, it's extremely healing. I also love to listen to inspirational, thought provoking, healing and spiritual authors like Dr. Wayne Dyer, Silvia Browne, Marianne Williamson, Gerry and Esther Hicks, Doreen Virtue and more.

   Tuesday, January 05, 2010 11:56:46

   Amy says:
   

   hi Ellen,
   I added your page and book to my facebook page. Hope you are doing well.
   Hugs

   Saturday, January 09, 2010 09:40:07

   Amy says:
   

   hi Ellen,
   I added your page and book to my facebook page. Hope you are doing well.
   Hugs

   Saturday, January 09, 2010 09:41:39

   Amy says:
   

   hi Ellen,
   I added your page and book to my facebook page. Hope you are doing well.
   Hugs

   Saturday, January 09, 2010 09:41:39

   Ellen says:
   

   Hi Amy,
   Thanks so much! I will do the same in return :)
   Love and Light to you,
   Ellen

   Saturday, January 09, 2010 17:16:11

   missingyou says:
   

   My husband and i have been married for two years. we are studyin to be teachers and love children. we have been praying and thinking and talking, trying to decide when the best time for us to have our own family is...well, on october 26, 2009 we learned we were having a baby! i remember how exciting and shocking it was, looking down at the pregnancy test....i was so happy. my husband kept smiling and singing baby songs he was making up, sometimes he'd wake me up in the middle of the night to say "guess what! we're having a baby!". the first weeks were stressful and exciting and crazy! i bought new clothes, told all our friends, and was trying to finish finals at school. on november 10, i began bleeding. it went on all day. i felt sick to my stomach. i just knew something was wrong. everyone was telling me not to worry, but i knew. i think i had actually known for a few days. i just felt wrong in my heart. after the horrifying hospital trip.....i still have nightmares about that night. the doctors, tests, finding out i wasnt going to be a mommy anymore....i crawled into the shower and wept. i still weep. i hate the lonely life i feel i've returned to. having to tell all our friends and family. i got an email today from a friend who didnt know yet, she was asking about the baby, and it brought it all back. i thought i could leave it behind with notes, milestones, trips to get away, prayers. but i find myself, two and a half weeks later, and i ache. my husband is doing better. he is a WONDERFUL man. he has been incredibly supportive. doing anything i could possibly need. i love him with all of my heart and soul. but i ache. i ache for the way i used to be. i ache to see the day of my first scheduled ultrasound come and go without event. i ache for the first thanksgiving that i thought would be so full of hope and joy, just like any other one now. i miss the feeling of life inside me. i miss the path i used to be on. i cant seem to stop the thoughts. i trust in god to heal. i love him as well and i know he holds me now. we want to try again. but i find myself so sad, so afraid of it. i want it i do! but what if it happens again? i truly dont think i could withstand it again. everyone seems to be going about their business, they've maybe not forgotten, but have moved on. i am the only one who looks out the window and aches for my baby. i miss my baby. i dont know why im writing all this. i guess i'm seeking comfurt. and rest. and hope. i am depressed. i can admit it. i just want to fall asleep and sleep until this isnt reality anymore. im tired and i'm tired of pretending that everything will be ok or that i'm ok. i'm so tired.

   Thursday, January 14, 2010 22:46:01

   Christina says:
   

   Hi,
   i was exploring through the internet and came across this site. I just recived word that a friend of mine is pregnant, and i am truly happy for her but for some reason I am sad and mad in the inside,
   
   At 19, I had my first pregnancy and it turned out to be an ectopic. Once we went into surgery the doctor decided to remove my left fallopian tube because he said it was damaged. about 2 months late I got pregnant again and decided to abort it because the person I was with at the time was cheating on me.
   A couple years later I got married and before my husband left to Iraq I found out I was pregnant. A couple days before he deployed I had a miscarriage. When he returned, i decided to get off my birth control about a year later. About 3 years had passed and no results, so I started getting tested. Throughout the process of being tested, to my delight, I got pregnant. Shortly after, I miscarried again.
   
   This last miscarriage happened August of 09. I try to be strong but I just feel as though a big part of me is missing. Months have passed and I have been dealing with it ok but this recent news has just triggered something out of me. I feel as though I am being selfish for having these thoughts and feelings but I cant control it. I feel alone as though no one that I know truly understands the hurt I am feeling inside. I truly just want to hide in my own little cave and pray that God will give me the strength to deal with this properly.
   
   Should I see a counselor for this?

   Friday, January 15, 2010 14:09:39

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Missing you,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss, and the ache you speak of is very familiar to me and so many of the others here. I know it's difficult to discover who you are right now - the world seems to have this cloud over and around it. Everything is seen through this cloud and that cloud is called...grief.
   
   It's so soon after your miscarriage. Time to feel, heal, eventually finding your way back to yourself is what you deserve and need. You're still mourning the loss of your baby, and please know I understand all of the feelings you've shared.
   
   Sometimes, just getting them out helps. I know it doesn't take away from your pain. Sadly, the pain after losing your baby to miscarriage is something nobody can take away. If only our lives were that simple...
   
   However, I am glad your husband is so supportive. I know he has feelings of his own about your loss. I know he was looking forward to having this baby, too. Yet, it sounds like he is trying to be strong for you, with you, around you...because he loves you.
   
   I remember feeling like my whole world was upside-down after my miscarriage. Nothing felt right. Very much like you, I looked forward to our first Thanksgiving with our brand new baby. Yet, it was never to be. I was due around Thankgiving- and I felt much like you- it felt so empty after I lost my baby. I am so sorry for the ache you feel and I'm acutely aware of how deep your ache runs.
   
   Fear. It can be such a powerful emotion in our lives. Nobody wants to miscarry again and so we wonder...should I try to get pregnant? Can I take the chance of this happening again? Could I withstand the pain? How could I not try when all I want is a baby to hold, to love? It's a catch 22, if you will, and over time, your fears will probably lessen. The thing is, you need time to heal. I'm not saying your fears will completely disappear. I know you will not forget this terrible experience. However, over time, I believe you will find that your fear does not need to control your life. Right now, you're working through so many emotions, fear being one of them, and you will reach a place of balance and hope. Perhaps you'll talk things over with your doctor to set your mind at ease when/if you're ready. All in due time, and that's different for each of us.
   
   Please know you're in my thoughts and prayers. If you find yourself stuck, it may help to talk out your feelings with a grief counselor, or your doctor if he/she is the type who really listens to you. There's nothing wrong with seeking out some help. I know I needed to and wish I'd done so sooner.
   
   I'd like to know how you're doing. You are always welcome here to share your feelings, and I'll be listening, caring, and supporting you with all I have.
   
   Love, Light and Healing to you,
   Ellen

   Friday, January 15, 2010 19:15:04

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Christina,
   
   I am so sorry for all of your losses. You've certainly been down a difficult path.
   
   As to whether you should see a counselor or not, it's really a matter of personal choice. If it feels right to you, I'd say do it. While I don't find anything abnormal about the way you're feeling, (I felt the same in many respects), I am not a doctor. AND, sometimes it's SO helpful to 'talk out' your feelings with a counselor. He or she listens to you and helps guide you through the maze of emotions you're feelings. Every bit of help you can get is a good thing as far as I see it. It all supports you and helps you to heal.
   
   I know you're happy for your pregnant friend, but the news would stir up some emotions. It did with me, and continued like that for quite some time. I'd be thinking I was doing okay when suddenly, someone else was pregnant. I felt extremely bad about my feelings of jealousy and yes, anger. I felt cheated. Why couldn't I just have a healthy baby? What was wrong with me? Was it too much to ask? I went through all of those questions and more. It seems you may be doing the same thing.
   
   It was only with time that I began to heal and was able to work through these feelings. After I stopped questioning God so much, I prayed instead- for strength, healing, understanding, acceptance. My world felt upside-down, and most likely you feel the same.
   
   I can say you are not alone in this; that I am supporting you 100% and so are the others here. I can say we have lived what you're living in terms of the feelings after miscarriage and the emptiness left in its wake. But, what I can't do is erase your pain. If only life were that easy. Talking to a counselor, writing your feelings out as you did here, keeping a journal at home, allowing yourself to grieve, feel and heal- those are the things that will eventually put you in a better place. Support and understanding while you are going through this time is so important to your healing. If a counselor feels right, please seek counseling. I did...and it wasn't even for my miscarriage. It was for my divorce and it turned into counseling for just me. My ex didn't want to be there so I continued going. So many feelings that needed to be worked out came to the surface. It felt so good to be listened to and not judged. I'd recommend it to anyone.
   
   So please, go with your heart. There is no right or wrong. If your gut is telling you to see a counselor, give it a try. Our gut feelings usually aren't wrong, but we often try to rationalize them.
   
   You are in my thoughts and prayers. Remember, one day at a time. You are welcome to come back here whenever you want to 'write it out'. I'll be listening and I'm sure many others who stop by will, too.
   
   Blessings, Love and Light to you,
   Ellen

   Sunday, January 17, 2010 10:04:38

   Ali says:
   

   Here is a site with huge Information On Pregnancy Diseases And Genetic Testing. You can find information regarding Miscarriages in the first trimester of pregnancy in: http://www.geneticsofpregna...

   Tuesday, January 19, 2010 03:17:45

   kkkkk says:
   

   Hi I am 18 and I am now 5 weeks pregnant. I have recently started becoming dizzy, and I have been bleeding a lot, meaning I fill a pad in like a half and hour. I am scared and I do not know what is happening, my family does not know I am pregnant, I am stressed and working 3 jobs. My boyfriend is not helping much, and is being immature, I need advice, could someone help me. I want my baby more then anything now that I know I am pregnant, I am praying that everything is okay. Can anyone help?

   Sunday, January 24, 2010 21:22:11

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Commenter,
   I am so sorry for what you're going through, and am very concerned. I know your family doesn't know you're pregnant, but please, please go to a doctor, an emergency room, a walk in clinic and get checked by a doctor. Please find out if you are okay and there are no complications. I am not a doctor so I feel I owe you this advice- please go see one.
   
   If you have or are miscarrying, I know the road you'll travel will not be an easy one, but I and the others here will support you.
   
   My thoughts and prayers are with you and please let me know how you're doing.
   
   Love, Light and Healing, Ellen

   Monday, January 25, 2010 07:02:49

   Crystal says:
   

   Hi. I am 23 and just had a miscarriage 3 months ago. I still think about it every day. We never had a chance to find out what the baby was, but there is a little girl that is in almost all of my dreams and I believe that she is our baby. This is something I think we will never get over. We have many things around our house to remember. I ahve gotten a tattoo on my back of angel wings a halo and baby feet to remember. This is something we will never forget!

   Tuesday, January 26, 2010 13:37:34

   Sandy says:
   

   I am 32 years old and have been married for almost 10 years and has an 8 year old daughter. In may of last year we found out that we was pregnant with our 2nd child. A couple of days later my husband's dad passed away and a couple of weeks later started bleeding and miscarried at about 7 weeks. Right now is when the baby's due date was supposed to be. Thought that I was doing ok handling the whole situation and now really having a hard time dealing knowing that I should be a new mommie again. Should I be feeling this right now? and when does the pain stop....

   Tuesday, January 26, 2010 22:25:59

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Crystal,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and I know it's something you won't forget. Time seems to be the most important healer- and there's a difference between healing and forgetting. After you suffer a miscarriage, you realize just how big a loss it is. It's a kind of pain that runs right through your heart and soul, and I believe there's a connection of love between you and your baby that lives on. That's why remembering, getting your special tattoo in rememberance of your little one, and more, are part of your life. No, you don't forget but I will say you do 'get over' in a way. I can only speak for myself, but it took time to heal after I miscarried. I remember losing my baby like it was yesterday, and it's been eighteen years. But, if someone asked me if I'm over him, I'd say something like, "Well, I've healed. I don't cry every day and I've gone on with living my life. But, he'll always be a part of me, and this necklace I wear is a constant reminder of my love for him and his for me. So yes, I suppose in getting on with my life I've gotten over the very painful, grieving stage after my miscarriage, but there will always be a place in my heart for him and there will always be part of me that misses what never was."
   
   I, too believe the little girl baby in your dreams is your baby and she's visiting you through your dreams. Our 'gut' feelings have a way of showing us what we want or need to know, and on this one, I'd trust your gut. You have an unshakable feeling that the baby is your baby, your daughter- so why run against that feeling? I know you're not, and if it were me, I'd feel very much like you.
   
   One day, one moment at a time. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and you are always welcome back.
   
   Love, Light and Healing to you,
   Ellen

   Wednesday, January 27, 2010 05:40:56

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Sandy,
   I am deeply sorry for your loss(es), your baby and your father-in-law. You've been through a lot in a very short time. I know how difficult that is to deal with- wrap your brain around.
   
   With the baby's due date here, feelings of loss, missing your baby, wondering what could have been and plain sadness are probably intensified. Due dates, annversaries, etc., seem to open the floodgates and out come the tears.
   
   I know because I've been there and have continued to experience this every time Thanksgiving rolls around, which would have been my baby's due date all those years ago.
   
   It's not an easy road, but the pain does subside. There's so much healing to go through and you lost your baby quite recently. One day you're feeling okay- like you've got a handle on things. The next, you feel like you've taken twenty steps backwards and it's all you can do to get through the day without losing it.
   
   Sadly, what you're feeling is what I would call normal. I don't base this on being a doctor because I'm not. Rather, I base what I've said on living it, and on all the others who have lived it, too.
   
   Sometimes, having a memorial for your baby helps. I never thought of this until many years after I miscarried. My book was already out. This site already existed. Actually, it's through this site and the people I've heard from that I learned of a memorial for my baby. It was a bittersweet event. I got the closure I'd longed for, yet tears were shed. I knew my baby was fine in Heaven, but for years I wasn't fine on earth. I missed my baby just like you do and it's a hurt only those who have lived through such a loss can understand. Validation of your grief, your baby, your loss, is all so important. You didn't lose something 'invisible'- you lost the baby you loved and had dreams, wishes, plans for. That's something many people still don't 'get'. However, you've come here, (I'm sorry you had to), and have probably found that so many of us who have miscarried do 'get' your pain and how profoundly your miscarriage touched your life.
   
   Maybe you need to talk out some of your feelings- with a counselor, a support group, a friend. It helps to share, as you did here. Just getting your emotions out frees up space inside of you for better things to come and more healing to take place.
   
   One day, one moment at a time. I know it seems like forever....the waiting to feel like 'you' again. It'll happen, but you deserve and need the time to grieve and heal. Please know that although I'm not physically there beside you, I am beside you every step of the way in thought and in spirit.
   
   Love, Light and Healing,
   Ellen

   Friday, January 29, 2010 11:52:58

   Barb says:
   

   Hi Ellen,
   
   I just found your site and realized by reading the comments that what I am going through is probably normal. I was worried that I was going through a breakdown, not sure why, but reading the comments in your site made me realize what was wrong. I am 44 years old and didn't get married until I was 42. After fertility treatments, I got pregnant last November and miscarried 8 weeks later. We had heard the heartbeat and then went the next week and there was no heartbeat. It was devastating, but after two rounds of IVF i got pregnant again this past August and the miscarried after 9 weeks. This time, everything started out fine but then something went wrong and it was 9 long weeks of waiting until i miscarried. I felt like I have had been through hell!! It seems like no one knows what to say to me and it seems like people don't undertand the devastating affects of miscarriages. My baby would have been born on March 21 and I think this is why I am going through a lot of depression and anxiety right now. Too make matters worse, since I am 44, not sure how I want to proceed either with donor egg or adoption. I feel stuck and like I am losing my mind. I don't understand why people are more sympathetic to people who go through breakups, then people who have miscarriages. I feel for both. Anyway, it was nice to see your site and read others who feel the same way. Thank you for all of us!!

   Monday, February 01, 2010 07:42:04

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Barb,
   
   I am so sorry for your losses and can relate to your feelings on many levels.
   
   You brought about a very good point and I agree with it: people treat those who have had break-ups with more compassion and understanding than those who have miscarried. I, too, feel for both...
   
   Why is it this way?
   
   I think it's because a break-up is so obviously sad. There's usually someone on the other side to blame, try to figure out, feel sad over losing, etc. Friends can talk to each other about breakups, visualizing the other person. They're here- walking the face of the earth.
   
   On the other hand, when we lose our babies to miscarriage, there's no physical memory of the baby. This is very sad because there IS so much love tied to the baby. But, many people can't wrap their brains around it. They often don't know what to say because there wasn't a baby held, seen. Oh, but you and I know there was a baby loved.
   
   Many feel talking about a breakup, loss of a job, loss of a parent or other loved one, to be somewhat easier because although there is pain involved, they've got something or someone 'tangible' to talk about.
   
   What of our babies? Were they not real? Were they not loved? Didn't we have wishes, hopes, plans and dreams for our babies? Were they not within us, warm in our womb?
   
   To anyone who's lived through miscarriage- they get your pain. I get your pain. I know that ache and the emptiness you feel. You are healing two losses and the possiblity that you'll not get pregnant again. You may also be afraid of pregnancy because of facing another miscarriage.
   
   I'm the same age as you. I miscarried once a long time ago. I've always wanted to adopt - and that's me. It's a very personal choice. I could try to get pregnant, but I have the same fears you do. It's confusing. What gets me through is faith that the right thing will happen at the right time and I will someday, (hopefully sooner than later), be called "Mommy". My wish is the same for you, no matter what path you decided to take. You will know it in your heart. You will feel it in your soul. You will live it- with faith in whatever name you give a power greater than yourself. I happen to call that power God.
   
   So now the healing begins, or in your case has been an ongoing experience. You certainly are not alone in the way you feel and I am glad you found this site. Of course I wish you never had to, but when you feel like you're losing, and boy I did for a long time, it's comforting to find others who feel the same. None of us wanted to live through such a painful experience as miscarriage. It cuts so deep. But, we do find comfort through each other. Our sadly common experience joins us in a way- a spiritual way, if you will. It's like a light switch went on and we finally can say, "Somebody gets it. Someone gets me and I'm not going nuts for feeling like I do. There are others who feel like they're flipping out, having anxiety attacks, crying at the drop of a hat. I am not....alone."
   
   You are not alone. None of us are, but until we know that, miscarriage and the aftermath can leave us feeling like we're standing on an island of one.
   
   Please know we're all with you on that island and together we heal, grow, learn, cope, and yes, find ourselves with feet planted firmly on the ground again.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep the faith and when you feel like you're running low, I'm always here.
   
   Love, Light and Healing,
   Ellen

   Tuesday, February 02, 2010 09:53:50

   Eunie says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   I have been wanting to write to you and everyone here for a while - but feel I will only be saying the same things over again. 4 weeks and 5 days I should be meeting my little boy, but I wont because he has been ripped away from me. The pain is running deep and I just want to crawl in a hole and forget I exist. I have wanted to end my life, runaway, anything to get away from the pain I am feeling. I have felt so bad that I wrote everyone letters to say good bye, because I couldn't stand the pain anymore. The due date is a reminder of what I wont have. Due date feels like I have been waiting for 7 months for a funeral. I am trying so hard to hold on here - its getting harder to reach out to people and I feel more alone.
   
   Sometimes I look at my daughter which causes me more pain -I realise what I am missing out on.
   Am I ever going to get over this
   Euniex

   Wednesday, February 03, 2010 04:18:42

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Eunie,
   
   I know the pain you're in, and you know how sorry I am for your loss- I hope you do.
   
   Grief is depressing- and I am worried you have fallen into a depression. The fact that I am not a doctor means this is only my opinion as a friend. If you and I were sitting next to each other and you told me the things you wrote here, I'd give you a big hug after listening and then ask you to talk to someone. When I say someone, I mean a professional counselor, grief counselor, your doctor. My heart aches for you and I can feel the pain through your words.
   
   I can share with you, from personal experience, that when the people, places or things that once brought you joy no longer do, more than likely depression is at hand. I had a friend who was very depressed, and nothing could pull her out except for herself- with some help. It took time, but all healing takes time. I say this to you because I care deeply about you and I've read your posts before. As the anniversary of your due date approaches, it sounds like you're sinking deeper. I think you even said that. I know you love your daughter very much, but right now even she, your beautiful, innocent daughter is being viewed through eyes so full of pain and grief you don't feel the joy she brings to your life. That's not to say you don't care. Of course you do. But, she's got to be feeling the energy of all your pain and part of it's being channeled to her. Not on purpose, but you can't help but feel someone else's energy. It's like this: You see your best friend and before she even opens her mouth, you know something is wrong. You can feel it. You can see it on her face. You can sense it in your gut.
   
   Your little girl is no different. You're her Mommy and I believe she feels your pain.
   
   I know healing is difficult. Grieving stinks. Losing someone we love is terrible. Nobody ever wants to experience these inherent parts of life. Yet, we all do. We all suffer losses and I am not minimizing your loss. Not at all. However, you are stuck- and that's okay. Embrace your 'stuck self'-please try to understand and accept that you need some help getting through this time right now. It's not a bad thing...it's a healthy thing for you, for your family. Sometimes the familiar, even if it's scary and depressing, becomes our comfort zone. We get so used to feeling sad & depressed that we don't even know how to come out of it. We don't see that there's help. Often, we are seeing the world through the skewed vision depression gives us, and when that happens, asking for help can be the last thing on our mind.
   
   Eunie, I know you don't want to feel like this, and it's more scary to stay where you are than to embrace, as best you can, change through seeking help. It's a big step, but I believe with all my being it's a step you can take. I also believe that you will look back upon this terrible time through eyes that have healed. Healing does not mean you'll forget your baby, your loss. God, no. It means you'll arrive at a place where you will be able to move forward with your life. Enjoy those beautiful moments again. Relish in the smile of your beautiful daughter. Appreciate who you are as a woman. You are more than your grief- you are a beautiful, spiritual being who needs a little help right now, and that's why I'm here, and why there are those special people who are put on this earth to help us through the rough times.
   
   I hope my words did not offend you in any way. I'm simply reaching out to you and asking you to consider seeing a counselor, finding a grief support group or talking to your doctor.
   
   There is hope. There is healing. You will find yourself again and I'm with you in spirit every step of the way.
   
   Love, Light and Healing to you,
   Ellen

   Wednesday, February 03, 2010 07:24:48

   Jenni says:
   

   I know how you feel. I am 36..finally found someone I really care about and was starting a great relationship. He has 2 kids, and definately doesn't want more. I was ok with that... at least I thought so. I found out I was pregnant just after Christmas, and was scared to tell him. He was great about it.. we went in for genetic counseling for our age, and started to make plans. 30 days later I got lab work that showed I was miscarrying... after we had seen a heart flutter. I had a D & C yesterday... and feel like I have no idea what to do next. Do we keep making plans together? Do we go back to "just dating" when we seem to have moved past that due to the pregnancy?
   We had made so many plans, and now they are all gone...

   Wednesday, February 03, 2010 16:54:42

   Brittany says:
   

   Dear Ellen
   
   I found out I was pregnant about a month after my boyfriend proposed to me. He already has one daughter and at the time he said some very awful things after we found out we were having a baby. He told me that he would never love any child as much as he loves his daughter because she is his first born and he kept talking about things such as abortion and adoption. They were both an option for other people, not me.
   
   I already loved my baby more than anything. I couldn't understand how he could be so mean. I have never in my life felt such an intense love for what was growing inside of me. I had plans for the baby and I practically has his whole life planned out in my mind. My boyfriend, after a while, just started to deal with the baby and he even began to like the idea of a baby around the house.
   
   Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage around the end of my first trimester. It was the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me in my whole life. My boyfriend wasn't very supportive and when I think about it today I realise that I would be 7 months pregnant. I feel like I am so alone sometimes and I wish that someone would be able to talk to me.
   
   Well, thank you for listening.
   
   Brittany

   Thursday, February 04, 2010 14:03:48

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Jenni,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss. I know what it feels like to have a 'surprise' pregnancy. That's what happened to me. You finally get used to the idea and have fallen in love with your baby and then it's like the rug's been ripped out from under your feet. I have been there and feel for you with all I am.
   
   You are grieving the loss of your baby, and that takes some time. It's something none of us ever want to go through, yet here we are talking about it. Healing, which isn't forgetting, rather it's getting to a point where you feel you've crossed over a very steep and rocky mountain, is something you take day by day. Loving support is what you need, along with allowing yourself to feel.
   
   I hope your partner stays by your side. Actually, you both need support and I pray you find it in each other, in your faith and with some help if you find you need it.
   
   When thinking about your relationship, it sounds like you really can't go backwards to 'just dating'. Your pregnancy may have pushed things along a bit in terms of planning, but it sounds to me like the two of you love each other and were going to love your baby together. I don't know how you could step back because that line, the one we really can't put our finger on but it transforms 'dating' into a 'relationship'- has been crossed.
   
   I know you're hurting and confused. Your partner probably feels the same. One day at a time together is better than one day at at time alone. If you already know how you feel about each other, just go with it. Let your emotions come out so you can heal. This is something you need for YOU, and if he really loves you, he'll be there- whether you've been together for six months or fifteen years. Love is love. Support is support. Your feelings for each other, in my opinion, are what they always were. Sadly, you have the loss of your baby to heal from and I pray you can weather this storm together.
   
   As time passes, you may want to do something in memory of your little one. Maybe plant a tree- you and your partner together. You'll know if this is right for you if you feel it in your gut. There is no right or wrong here. It's a matter of going with what your heart tells you.
   
   The plans, dreams and wishes you and your partner had for your baby were real. Your baby was real. Your loss is real and you need some time to get through this. Take your time, please know you are loved, and when you're having one of those days when you just don't know which way is up, you are always welcome here to vent. Sometimes, letting it out can help so much. Just freeing your mind, body and spirit and expressing what's deep inside can be so cleansing....and healing.
   
   I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayer. Please remember, one day at a time.
   
   Love, Light, and Blessings,
   Ellen

   Thursday, February 04, 2010 19:42:45

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Brittany,
   I am deeply sorry for your loss and for what you went through with your fiance after discovering you were pregnant. That must have put a terrible strain on you and your relationship. I can not understand why he acted as he did. Perhaps fear. I don't know how to respond to his treatment towards you other than to say you deserved far better treatment.
   
   You still do.
   
   Then he came around and began liking the idea, maybe accepting is a better word, having a new baby with you.
   
   But...this is about you and your healing; about feeling supported and not so alone.
   
   Support from the ones we love is so important after a miscarriage. You lost your baby, not something 'pretend' or material. You loved this child and like you said, had so many hopes and dreams for him. Your fiance wasn't there to support you and I'm sorry for that. I hope there is a friend or family member you can turn to.
   
   When the ones we love don't know how to be there for us, it leaves us feeling more alone.
   
   Please let me assure you, you are not. But, it doesn't change the fact that you feel that way at home. I hope you know I care very much about how you're doing, as do the others who have walked the painful road after miscarriage. We really do care about and for each other, and that's a kind of support that's born out of experiencing a loss like miscarriage and banding together to share what's in our hearts.
   
   You need time for you and deserve it. Time to feel, cry, heal. Holding your feelings in because your fiance just doesn't 'get it' won't do you any good. Actually, I think it'll make you feel sadder. I know it did with me. My ex-husband just didn't know how to wrap his brain around our loss, and I felt like it was my loss alone- even though it was our baby.
   
   In order to heal we must grieve first. It's the part of life that rips the rug from under our feet. It's the part that leaves us questioning so many things: ourselves, life, why things like this happen, even God. Our faith often feels tested after such a loss. I went through it. I believed in God but wondered why He let my miscarriage happen. It wasn't until many years later and a whole lot of healing that I knew my purpose- or part of it.
   
   It was so I could be here for you. We all have different paths and you will, over time, begin to feel like 'you' again. Please hang on to that and believe it to be true. The smiles will outweigh your tears once again, but right now, you're grieving and it's never, ever easy.
   
   You can always come here to vent. If you're really feeling stuck, or just need someone to talk to, please look into seeing a counselor. You'll know if it's the right thing for you. I needed help, and got it- even though it was a couple of years after my miscarriage. What started as marriage counseling ended up being one on one counseling for me as my ex didn't want to be there anyway.
   
   Over the years I've grown and healed. I've turned to my faith, my spirituality and it has helped get me through those very dark days. Last year, I had a memorial for my son and it was some seventeen years after I'd miscarried. The thing is, I needed closure and reading him a letter and sending a balloon off into the sky with the words, "I Love You" written upon it helped me gain closure. You may want to think about doing something- and trust in what your heart tells you is right for you.
   
   What you're feeling is sadly normal and my heart goes out to you. If you ever need someone to just listen, know I am here.
   
   We all are.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings,
   Ellen

   Saturday, February 06, 2010 09:14:36

   Rebekah says:
   

   I'm 24 and neither my boyfriend nor I would be able to financially support a child right now. I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant on New Years Eve. I was devastated. I kept it a secret. Two weeks later, my doctor confirmed a miscarriage. Within those two weeks, I lamented over my situation and I continued to hide my pregnancy from my boyfriend. Abortion had crossed my mind but at the same time I was certain I couldn't go through with something like that. So instead, I tried to mentally prepare myself for a pregnancy. But I tried to do it alone. I began to actually feel connected to "this". I still refuse to say "baby" when referring to anything I was holding onto.
   
   After the miscarriage was confirmed, I felt relieved. I felt that I would no longer have to share my pregnancy as it would be over once I miscarried (wrong). That relief turned into guilt. I felt guilty for feeling relieved and for keeping such a huge secret to myself. And I felt sad. I had just started accepting it. I started embracing the changes I was enduring and would endure. I waited 2 weeks to expel the pregnancy to no avail. My pregnancy symptoms actually got more distinct throughout this time. My doctor suggested a D&C but the thought of surgery terrified me. I insisted on waiting. Eventually, the fear of an infection convinced me to get the surgery. This, too, I did alone.
   
   The whole time, I kept this from my boyfriend. He would have absolutely been there for me through every step of the way. Initially, I held it in out of fear. Eventually, I held it in to protect him. I didn't want him dealing with anything I was. Instead, he was faced with a lifeless form of his girlfriend for a month...with no explanation as to why.
   
   Now, after surgery (it went very well) and I can't stop crying. Everyday since it happened, I cry. I can't understand why I'm so upset that I lost something I wasn't prepared for in the first place. People keep insisting I "dodged a bullet". That's not how this feels. This feels terrible. I started bleeding more noticeably 3 days after surgery. It comes and goes--but when it comes, I lose my mind. Things seem manageable until I start bleeding. I feel the loss and then feel stupid for grieving the loss.
   
   I finally came clean with my boyfriend and I insisted that I'm a terrible human being for hiding something like this from him. He doesn't see it this way. While he was upset that I felt I couldn't tell him, he is understanding and there for me (as I knew he would be). He's the one telling me it's okay to be sad. But WHY am I so sad? It seems contradictory to be sad. But it seems detestable not to be. My emotions are in disarray. Does this happen? Such profound sadness after an "unwanted" or "inconvenient" pregnancy? I feel terrible even using those words now. They feel filthy.
   
   ...I just needed to tell my story because I keep reading elsewhere about everyone's elation to find out they're pregnant and the subsequent devastation after a miscarriage. That's just not how it went for me...

   Saturday, February 06, 2010 19:12:19

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Rebekah,
   
   I am sorry for your loss and for the broad spectrum of emotions you're feeling.
   
   I think what's particularly confusing is trying to apply logic to your emotions. I do it too, and have done so in the past. It sounds like your brain is having a tough time wrapping itself around your crying, etc. Why are you sad? Why, when everything in your mind said you weren't ready for this pregancy-for having a baby-are you feeling guilty or sad? Why aren't you feeling the relief your mind, not your heart, tells you to feel?
   
   Without intending to sound cliche, the heart and mind are very separate things and I believe you're feeling this deeply. Plus, you went through this entire experience alone. I'm guessing it's because at the time you felt it wasn't too big a deal and wanted to just get things done and move on. There is no right or wrong way to feel. In your case, you just weren't ready for a baby and if I were sitting beside you listening, I'd do just that. Listen. Then, I'd give you hug and say none of your feelings are wrong and please try to stop judging yourself.
   
   I think your feelings of guilt come in here:
   When you found out you were pregnant and subsequently miscarrying, you felt a self of relief. That's okay. You were afraid to have a baby. You felt ill prepared. So many do and those feelings are normal and they are yours. We are all so different. Please try to release the guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
   
   The day came when you had no choice but to have a D&C. You health was at risk and you could have ended up with a serious infection. So, you had the D&C- alone. I do wish you chose not to be alone, but you did and you have your reasons.
   
   You held so much in, and when your feelings did a 180, you didn't know what to do. How could you explain the tears, the changes in your personality, etc., to your boyfriend when you never told him about your pregnancy, miscarriage and surgery? What a place to be in and I feel for you. You must have been so torn up emotionally. Not logically. Emotionally.
   
   Finally, you got to a point where you felt it was necessary to tell your boyfriend what happened. He was and is there for you. That's a blessing and I'm glad he loves you the way he does.
   
   We are not the islands we often think we are...so many of us think we can just get through life's tough times alone. For some, reaching out is a very difficult thing and that's what makes us all different. Like I said, there is no right or wrong.
   
   As to the WHY of it all: Why do you cry now? Why do you feel guilty? I can only guess and say you went through the: 1. Shock of finding out you were pregnant alone. 2. You miscarried alone. 3. You had a D&C alone. 4. You kept things to yourself until you no longer could- alone again.
   
   That's a heavy load, even when you don't think it should have been. The thinking part of you, your logic, told you this was all for the best and you should feel relieved. Your heart caught up to your logic and told you that you'd been through a loss, experienced fear, kept secrets and tried to gather the strength to get through it alone when you really needed some help.
   
   You've opened up and told your boyfriend about everything. He's there. Now, you need time to just be you and heal- no secrets blocking the way. It really doesn't matter WHY you need to heal. What matters is that you do. Give yourself a break and just take things a day at a time. There's nothing wrong with you or your need to let your emotions run their course. You've got someone there who cares about you and your guard can be let down so you can heal.
   
   Okay, you may ask... from what? You may say you didn't want the baby anyway. Rebekah, you may never know exactly why you feel sad, but please let yourself feel it. Please try to toss the notion that you're somehow a terrible person for feeling relieved when you miscarried. You're not terrible. You were afraid and at time, your miscarriage seemed more convenient than your pregnancy. Does that make you 'bad'? No. It means you were scared.
   
   We all get scared.
   
   If you're really having a tough time wrapping your brain around all of this, please know you can come here anytime. I'll listen. You're human, you have every right to feel whatever you do, and what's most important to me is that you take the steps you need every, single day towards healing.
   
   I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Love, Light and Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Sunday, February 07, 2010 09:36:31