Miscarriage Help

Comments

1. Elena says:
   

   It is New Year's Eve and the world is celebrating... we lost our second baby yesterday and I am numb. I am afraid to grieve because it makes it real. Everyone said the first lost was just random, this one would be ok. How can so many positive people be wrong? I just started to move on after our first loss in February. How can this be? What is wrong? Why can't these doctors tell me anything? sigh. The other stories help...thank you for keeping me company for a bit.

   Sunday, December 31, 2006 20:22:48

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Elena,
   I can picture you sitting at home on New Year's Eve, feeling very sad, alone...or, as you put it, numb. Sometimes numb is the body's way of protecting itself. I know it's been that way with me.
   
   I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and I remember a very similar New Year's Eve when I felt like the life I was living just couldn't be mine. I wanted someone to wake me up from the nightmare I was having...only to find I WAS awake. So, my heart truly goes out to you.
   
   It seems when the world is joyous, or so we perceive it to be, and we're suffering, our pain is magnified. When you think about it, it's a very sad but natural thing. We remember past New Year's Eve celebrations and how happy we were. Then, we're suddenly sitting there alone, not celebrating, but grieving instead.
   
   You lost two babies close together, and that's a very full plate. Please don't push yourself and give your heart and soul the chance to grieve. I know my words don't do the trick, but please believe with all your heart that I'm thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.
   
   And, for all of us, may 2007 prove to be a MUCH happier, healthier year full of dreams, wishes, hopes and aspirations that all come to fruition.
   
   Blessings to you.
   
   With much support, comfort and love,
   Ellen

   Monday, January 01, 2007 14:16:07

   Cathy says:
   

   I had a second miscarriage, this one at 8 weeks, just before Christmas (December 21). I feel like I want to die. I feel horribly alone. My domestic partner and I have a son (I carried him) that's 4 and we want to give him a sibling. I don't know what to do. I am 36 years old and feel like it's too late for us, and I am devastated that my little peanut, who had a heart beat on 2 sonograms, is dead.

   Wednesday, January 03, 2007 12:54:51

   Codie says:
   

   I am 28 years old and lost my baby at eight weeks on New Years Eve. I am devestated beyond belief. My boyfriend is in Rehab for alcohol problems and I feel so alone. I never thought this would happen to me. It feels like no one understands. I'm just so sad and empty.

   Wednesday, January 03, 2007 17:22:03

   keeptrying says:
   

   I just had my fifth loss, my first was in '99 which was a ectopic. Three months later we were pregnant again needless to say at my 10 week visit we relized that the baby had no heartbeat and had died 2 weeks earlier. My third and fourth happened in '03 both ending at my 9 and 10 week checkup. My doctor still saying that there was still a good chance for a healthy preganacy. I found out that i was pregnant again this year around Halloween i was so happy and he was so scared because of our history. Everything was looking so positive we seen a heartbeat at 7 weeks my beta and progestrone was looking great but just like before it was when we went to see the heartbeat at 10 weeks once again it was like a dream when the doctor came back with the bad news. He had told us he seen no heartbeat. I had my forth D&C. Now i found a OB GYN who will start some testing next week. It makes me so mad that it took me 5 losses to finally get test ran. I want to try again so bad but emotional I dont think i can until i get answers.

   Thursday, January 04, 2007 01:59:24

   keeptrying says:
   

   I just had my fifth loss, my first was in '99 which was a ectopic. Three months later we were pregnant again needless to say at my 10 week visit we relized that the baby had no heartbeat and had died 2 weeks earlier. My third and fourth happened in '03 both ending at my 9 and 10 week checkup. My doctor still saying that there was still a good chance for a healthy preganacy. I found out that i was pregnant again this year around Halloween i was so happy and he was so scared because of our history. Everything was looking so positive we seen a heartbeat at 7 weeks my beta and progestrone was looking great but just like before it was when we went to see the heartbeat at 10 weeks once again it was like a dream when the doctor came back with the bad news. He had told us he seen no heartbeat. I had my forth D&C. Now i found a OB GYN who will start some testing next week. It makes me so mad that it took me 5 losses to finally get test ran. I want to try again so bad but emotional I dont think i can until i get answers.

   Thursday, January 04, 2007 01:59:31

   Melissa says:
   

   On New Year's day, I lost my baby. I was seven weeks along, and eagerly waiting for August to arrive. On December 28, I started to spot and then bleed. I cried so much during those few days because I knew what was going to happen. I cried out to God, begging to save my child but, alas the answer was no. And yet through it all, I still have peace. My baby is with the Lord, and I will see he/she again. My heart goes out to you ladies who have no place to rest. It may sound cliche but, God is real and He is the Great Healer. You all are in my prayers.

   Saturday, January 06, 2007 13:09:16

   bj says:
   

   My hourney has been a short one, but it has been filled with pain. I had an ectopic pregnancy removed in May of 06. It was so scary. No one I knew had ever had an ectopic before. Two days after I found out that I was pregnant I was cramping and spotting. An ultrasound revealed two sacks and a dark spot in my right tube. My doctor seemed positive and dismissed the sack. That weekend I was in terrible pain and called the doctor again. We found out on Wednesday that it was an ectopic in my right tube and I had surgery two hours later. Luckly they were able to save the tube. I was not devisated, but scared out of my mind. I had no signs of an ectopic, and my doctor labeled it a fluke. What I didn't expect was for it to take 6 weeks for all of the hormones to get out of my system. My tube did not rupture, but was spitting tissue out of the other end. Some of the tissue was on my bowels, so I had to go in to have the shot that some people with ectopics get. It just seemed to go on forever. That baby was conceived in Paris, our one big trip before we were giong to begin trying, and my husband and I called it the ultimate souviner. Guess we were wrong.
   
   As scary as that was we tried again as soon as we could. After two months of trying I found out I was pregnant the day before Halloween. I was rushed into the doctor at 6 weeks and they saw the sack in the right place, but wanted me to come back in two weeks to see the heartbeat. At 8 and a half weeks I got the good news. The baby had a heartbeat 155 beats per minute and that everything looked good. I went back at 11 and a half weeks, Dec 21st. The ultrasound showed no heartbeat. My baby died at 9 and 1/2 weeks. My doctor is not a big fan of D&C's, and since I just had surgery in May she urged me to take the medicine. I took it on Dec 29th, the due date of my first loss. I was not in a ton of pain, but the bleeding was very heavy. I would run to the toilet every hour and fill it with blood. At 10:30 It passed the tissue of the baby. The instant I saw it I knew what it was. I didn't know what to do. I was beyond upset, but just flushed the toilet. It felt like I was just flushing a dead goldfish. I wish I would have thought to take it out, but I didn't. Now I can't get the image of my baby going down the toliet. I am glad I trusted my doctor, because the medication worked and I have no tissue left in me. Maybe it won't take 6 weeks this time for my body to get back to normal. My doctor is pregnant and is due a week after my baby was. We talked about being pregnancy buddies. We also share uncommon first names. She has cried with me at every appointment and is wornderful. My husband and I will try again as soon as we can. But it does not change the fact that I am so scared. Getting through those first couple of weeks was hard enough to see if it is in the right place. Next time I will be on edge for much longer. I keep telling my friends I don't want to do this in baby steps. Did anyone else feel like a failure? As my husband and I rang in 2006 we decided that we would try to have a baby this year. I failed him twice. He does not see it that way, but right now I do. Unfortunatly my mom is in a nursing home with a rare disease that has made her gradually loose all of the functions in her body beginning with her speech. I have been relying on my friends and other family. I just hope they don't get sick of me. This one is going to take a while to heal.

   Saturday, January 06, 2007 17:26:38

   molly says:
   

   It's been almost one year since my miscarriage. I was 8 weeks pregnant and it would have been our first. I had just started a new teaching job, so I didn't really want to get pregnant so soon, but we were excited. A week to the day after my miscarriage, my father had to have triple by-pass surgery. I think back to this time as a total blur. I went through some rough times and I thought I was over it. Several months later, my husband and I decided to try to get pregnant again. In 4 months of trying, I'm almost positive I was pregnant twice. In both cases, my period came very early and I believe I had spontaneous abortions. Now I'm scared to death that I have fertility issues. My mother has been telling me for years not to wait too long to have kids and now I feel that she is right. I'm only 30, but I've postponed getting pregnant to earn a masters' degree. Now, I feel I've traded my youth and fertility for my career. My husband wanted children long before I did and the prospect of me not being able to give him them kills me. I feel guilty, angry and broken. How can this still tear me apart after this long? What can I do to get over this?

   Monday, January 08, 2007 22:59:42

   Amy says:
   

   I had my 2nd miscarriage on Nov 3, 2006. I was 10 weeks along. My first miscarriage was on Feb 7, 2006 and with that one I was 4-5 weeks. The first one seemed like a fluke - my husband and I had only known we were pregnant for 5 short days, but what an amazing bond that can be made in 5 days. It was difficult, but we were both still so hopeful of the future. I cried and mourned and was so happy but cautious to find I was preg again in Oct. An US confirmed a healthy baby & heartbeat at 7 wks. It felt great to be part of this new "club." On Nov 3rd I had spotting. I wasn't concerned but called the dr anyway. During the US the nurse held my hand and said, "I'm so sorry." She said some other things but I didn't hear it. I just sobbed. A piece of my heart was lost forever. A d&c followed the next morning, which seems like such a blur now. Things have gotten microscopicly easier since then but I still have rough days/moments. I know now the Nov baby was a boy & had an extra chromosome - no chance he would have lived. It's not comforting I feel cheated. Why is it easy for some people - like our 19 yr old high school drop-out nephew and his 17 yr old girlfriend who are preg? They're due the same month we would have been due. That news sent me reeling. I found myself thinking why couldn't SHE have had a miscarriage of an extra chromosome baby and not me? What was God really trying to teach me here? I still don't get it! I am angry and bitter and I don't care. It made me realize I am not even close to getting over these losses. So far all the tests show no negative on our ability to have a baby just my age. You'd think 37 was practically geriatric! You're all in my prayers. Love and peace to all of us!

   Wednesday, January 10, 2007 00:21:15

   Samantha says:
   

   Hi, I don't even no if i should be hear but i started birthcontrol about two months and after the first month i didn't get my period i thought it was ok because she even said you might skip it. The following month i was getting had nausea really bad but it was the winter so there for i just thought i was sick then i was concerned when i got my period about a week early and when i had gotten it i got the worst cramps and i notice this weird dark looking clots that i had never seen before. an i was just wondering if this sounds like a miscarriage im only 18 years old and i don't know what to do its been a week since then and i still have it. Thank you

   Wednesday, January 10, 2007 15:18:35

   Lizzy says:
   

   My sister has gone through 3 horrible miscarriages in the last year. I just got married three months ago, and my husband and I want to have a baby and think that I might be pregnant, showing some signs but tests are negative. My biggest concern is crushing my sister whom I love very much, but at the same time celebrating a new life. If anyone has any advice on how to tell, talk, and go through this experience with a sister who is on an emotional rollercoaster, please let me know. My first thought was how it would effect her. thanks!

   Thursday, January 11, 2007 12:14:36

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Lizzy,
   Well, I think I can help you in giving you what your sister's thoughts may be. I miscarried, and never had child. Although I want one very much, it still is yet to be. When my younger sister and husband got pregnant, I think she had fears of telling me. Of course, she wasn't going to be able, nor did she want to, keep it a secret. I know she had some concerns, as you do. Granted, my miscarriage wasn't as recent as your sister's (three of them, my heart goes out to her), but, my when my sister told me she was pregnant, I was delighted. Of course there was an ache. Of course I had my own moments of tears when I asked God "Why not me?"
   
   All in all, in the great circle of life, Maddie, (my niece, was and is one of the biggest blessings I've been given. I love being her Auntie, and I love being her younger brother's Auntie, too.
   
   Life presents us with these bittersweet, difficult situations. You've every right to welcome in a new life, and you've every right to feel concerned about your sister.
   
   I believe with all my heart it will work out, and you're a very caring, loving sister, indeed.
   
   I wish you and your sister the very best.
   
   Sincerely,
   Ellen

   Thursday, January 11, 2007 12:53:31

   Brooke says:
   

   It has been almost one week since my m/c.I am still trying to grasp all the mixed emotions one goes through. The word sucks comes to mind. I am 30 years old i have two children,12 and 4.I had my daughter at 18 and grew up very fast her father and I were not together when I admited to myself I was 5 months pregnat. We have a very supportive family and managed beyond "just fine". I then some six years later met my now husband we talked about moving in togethe getting married and the I became pregnant, Joy would not be the exact words, I think I myself was a little dissipointed I had @ children and was not married,But we knew we would be fine we got married 11 months after our son was born. We grew to be a loving family, I always knew i wanted more kids My husband would like more money and as we all know nature doesn't always give you both. This past year i turned 30 and it was at that point I knew it was now or never or at least in my mind, I was on depo until dec 0f 05,so I do not have regular cycles so I thought we be trying for months,well the first time we did it. It was the first planned child and I did feel a little guilty for wanting this child so much but I knew it was probally normal. All was good I was almost 12 weeks when Ibegan spotting and cramping It was on a sat evening so I had to go to the E.R.I got there at 8pm bleed all night had a D&c at 1pm the next day. For the most part I am coping with what happened it is just a day to day kind of feeling.I think a part of me is worried my huband won't want to try,he does know what to do or say,and I find it extremly difficult to tell people what happened I can talk tothemm I just don't want to be the one to tell them. And i do find the comments of "you are still young" and "at least you have two beautiful kids" or best "you can have more" I have said I wanted this one and you know what it helps. I know it will be okay but in the mean time I am so glad I have some one to talk too. I had one close friend who had lost her baby at 38 weeks and another at 32 with 3 live healthy births in between call and say "There are no words that possible describe what you feeling now or for the rest of your life" And I believe her.God Bless us all.

   Friday, January 12, 2007 16:16:37

   Julia T says:
   

   I'm so glad to have found this site and to be able to talk with people who went through similar problems. My husbabnd and I had planned to get pregnant in fall of 06 so our baby would be born in spring/summer of 07, just after our daughter turned 3!! We were overjoyed to find out I was 5 weeks pregant in the begining of October. Not to mention we just found out one of our close friends was also pregnant and was due a week after me!! But only 3 weeks later we rushed to the emergency room only to find out I had lost the baby and was going to need a D&C. I was in shock. I'm still not myself, not to mention I want to break down in tears every time we see our friends who were pregnant at the same time!! Every milesone they pass kills me because the thought that we should have been doing the same thing a week earlier!! December 28 we were "shocked" to find out we were pregnant again, we were carefull not to get too excited or even tell family and friends in fear of what might happen. We began pre-natal appointments immediatly. The first two went great and my numbers were rising. I was sent for an ultra soundt the same day only to find "nothing," it was suggested that maybe it was just really early and was sent again to take more blood. I recieved a call the next day from the doctor who said my numbers had only gone up by 15!!! She went on to say I would probably misscarry within the week. Well today it started and I'm so depressed, I hoped maybe she was wrong!! I now wonder will we ever have our second child??? Or even have the 5 babies that we wanted so badly!!!Thanks for listening at the least!!!!!!!

   Friday, January 12, 2007 20:48:57

   Stacy says:
   

   I can also say i am glad i found this site. I just found out three days before my 33rd birthday that i was pregnant with my third baby. i was so happy. But my husband was more nervous he was ok with the two girls and that he did not want to be an old father I think thats crazy since he is only 39. well when i told him i was pregnent he was finally ok and told all of his friends.as i did to.well than on mon i started to bleed and it was brown the doctors office said not to worry as long as it was not red. then on wed I felt that something was not right my breasts were not hurting anymore and I had a boost of energy weird huh I thought.then that night after my shower i saw red blood i was so scared I called the dr she said she wanted me to have a us in the morning. I landed up going to the er because i was so freaked out and they saw nothing and i did have a positive test and my levels were 464. the next day fri i was feeling tired so i went to go lay down and i went to the bathroom and there was this thing on my pad and then when i wiped there was this bloody thing came out and i got so scared i threw it in the toliet i then went and took it out i could not believe i did that but i needed to know if that was my baby and yes it was i wanted to be sick i called my husband right away to come home.he felt so sad for me but did not know what to do. It's the next day and i feel liked my life is falling apart and i finally told my husband why i feel like this I said it's that i thought that was my only chance for another child because of his feelings and that i would never get that chance agsin. and he really did not know what to say and it makes me angry. I just feel like I am on a roller coaster with no stopping it. gosh all within a week i can't handle this.

   Saturday, January 13, 2007 23:33:50

   Deena says:
   

   Hi, I miscarried my twins @ 20 weeks on January 3rd. (A wonderful way to start the new year) I couldn't wait, and when I found out I was having twins I couldn't believe it! The situation itself was somewhat overwhelming, I was going to be a single mom so to speak. The father was around, its just that him and I had finally gotten out of a dead end relationship. So I guess its safe to say that he was there--but he wasn't. I went to the dr's appointments on my own and such because I was fully prepared in my mind to take on this responsibility. I oddly, had no major problems when it came to wrapping my head around the fact that I was going to be a mother. Not only to 1 baby but 2!! There are twins all over my family so it didn't seem that far out. Friends and family were unbelievably supportive. Well my friends and family were. Their father comes from quite a religious family and they were having a hard time adjusting to this. I did what I could to make things easier for everyone till I realized that I shouldn't have too. My first 3 doctors appointments consisted of him reminding me time and time again that I had to do what I could to take my blood pressure down because it was ridiculously high. There were a lot of contributing factors, the fact that I was carrying 2 babies, it runs in my family and the biggest he said was stress. I'm not a high strung person but when it came down to it in this situation I wanted to be in control of everything and I couldn't be. Finally @ my last appointment he told me whatever I was doing to keep it up because it had gotten back to a normal rate. If it hadn't I would have been confined to bed rest which was not something I was wanting to do. I was thrilled. I had the flu just before Christmas and recovered (albeit slowly) And then just before new year's I started to feel tired again...which I chalked up to changes within the body because nothing else seemed to be wrong. What pregnant woman isn't tired? I was scheduled for an Ultrasound on the 5th of January and I knew something was wrong about 5 days before that. I hadn't felt any movement for about a day, before that they had been fairly active. I went in early on the 3rd to see what was going on. He took me for an emergency ultra sound and my babies were already gone. I had to go through induced labour and a D & C. Luckily one of my friends works close to the hospital and she came to meet me and took me home. I had 2 days where I felt something that I can't even describe. It was mindnumbing. I just felt like no one understood, of course I heard all the wrong things from everyone and I did my best to remind myself over and over that they meant no harm and thought they were saying helpful things. Their dad, in not so many words told me he was relieved and that caused even more issues. But he still was there for me. For the first few days I really relied on him then I threw all my energy into being mad at him and his family. I felt rage and hurt that I never thought possible. I wanted him to understand the hurt I have but I realize that is impossible. Its not that he wasn't hurting, I know how he deals with his emotions (another reason we weren't working out) and that bothers me. I do know that everyone deals with their grief differently I just wish there was someone that could understand my pain. His mother had lost a baby when she was almost full term and her and I have developed a close relationship despite it all. As I come closer to the 2 week "mark" I try to remind myself that everything is going to be ok. I will be fine and so will they. But it IS ok that I am not fine now. We have decided to name them and are looking for a nice way to remember them. Initially we were thinking we would take 2 helium balloons that say baby girl on them and write their names on the back. Its frigid lately here in manitoba and Im looking for any other ideas anyone might have.
   As devastating as miscarriage is, its nice to know there are other people out there who could understand and share your pain, because it is a lot to handle on your own. Reading some of these stories has helped me realize that it never goes away, but you don't have to push them out of your mind either. They were my babies and I want people to realize that--they were babies. I don't want people to feel awkward around me because just having people around is sometimes all you need.

   Monday, January 15, 2007 14:36:41

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Deena,
   I am so sorry for both of your losses, and for all the stress you went through prior to your miscarriage. I admire your courage in the face of adversity: being a single mother (of twins), your relationship dwindling, dealing with the family issues, etc. You certainly had a full plate, and still do.
   
   You're so right in that it's OKAY to not be OKAY right now. Of course you're grieving, and please give yourself the time you need to do so. The balloons with each baby's name on it is a beautiful tribute to their time spent here- with you.
   
   I know you'll always love them, and will not forget them. I'm also glad that through reading some of the comments here at MiscarriageHelp, you were able to see that life does go on, but you're never expected to forget your precious little ones...ever.
   
   A point you brought about I think is worth repeating is how you "don't want people to feel awkward around me because just having people around is sometimes all you need."
   
   I think people sometimes avoid women after they miscarry because they're either afraid of saying the 'wrong' thing, or don't know what to say, period. Well, you don't HAVE to say anything if you're supporting a friend who has miscarried. How 'bout just kicking back and watching a movie in each other's company? Perhaps having dinner together, or doing something you both enjoy. Establishing a sense of 'normalcy' doesn't mean the friend, or the mother, is denying the miscarriage and all the pain. It means only one things when a friend is with her friend who miscarried: SUPPORT, COMFORT, AND THE KIND OF LOVE ONLY FRIENDS HAVE FOR EACH OTHER. It can be one of the most healing 'miracles' out there...believe me.
   
   My thoughts and prayers are with your Deena. Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Tuesday, January 16, 2007 12:07:30

   Roseanne says:
   

   Hi, I have had two miscarriages in the last year and a half. I felt the same way, mistreated. I felt like no one cared on my husbands side of the family but my side of the family were really heart broken surprisingly I think my father grieved more than I did afterword. My father-in-law is a paramedic and mother-in-law is a lab tech and are immune to these sort of things. I think what was really hard is the fact my husbands brother's wife was pregnant about the same time I was and now has two healthy babies one on the way. I feel for anyone out there who is grieving for there child. I hope all of our children are playing together in heaven. We all know Jesus will take care of them until we are there.

   Friday, January 19, 2007 13:48:58

   Wendy J says:
   

   After suffering a miscarriage in February of 2006, when I had almost reached my 13th week of pregnancy, I experienced so much sadness and such a sense of loss. It was very hard that first week or so afterward to simply adjust to the realization that I wasn't pregnant anymore.
   
   I have gone through many changes since then. Up to about the first week of May, even though I did not consciously think about the actual event of the miscarriage, I felt the sadness and disappointment of it everyday. It is a difficult thing to try to put into words, but as with many things in life I guess, the experience becomes part of who you are.
   
   I have found that over time, the pain eases somewhat, but I find that the miscarriage has left me a different person emotionally and physically. I began to have intense pressure in my head that would lead to terrible headaches. This began two days after the miscarriage( if I hadn't been taking pain medication for cramping I might have noticed this right away). I am now being treated for moderate hypertension with a low dose of water pill and thankfully, this has taken the headaches and pressure away. Also, my patience level is much lower now and I get stressed out over very small things. Over the past few weeks, I feel some depression and anxiety creeping up on me. I just don't feel that I have the ability to deal with things that happen in my life, the way I used to.
   
   When I found out that I was pregnant in December of 2005, my husband and I were happy. We had been trying for 18 months and we had decided that we would not try anymore after the end of the year because of my age (I am now 42 years old). We so wanted a little brother or sister for our 2 year old son and I wanted to experience being pregnant and being a mother to another child very much. That is very much a difficult issue for me - coming to terms with the fact that it was our last chance.
   I am so glad I visited this website. I have not read the book, but I plan to do it very soon. I believe I needed to read these comments on this website from people who have experienced the same thing I have.
   I can't wait to read this book. I need comfort.
   Thank you

   Friday, January 19, 2007 13:50:02

   Myrna says:
   

   I just miscarried this past Tuesday, due to a blighted ovum. My husband, son, and I have been wrapped in love by friends and family; still, my heart is so grievous. I just want to cry into the Pacific Ocean, I think that I could make it overflow.

   Friday, January 19, 2007 13:50:45

   Kristi says:
   

   Tomorrow will be four weeks since I lost my little one. The baby was a total surprise to my newly blended family and the news brought out many mixed emotions ranging from fear and anxiety, to happiness and hope.
   
   It took awhile for it to sink in and we were finally coming to terms when the bleeding started. The process was physically and emotionally draining and my heart hurt for all the other mothers who had been through this experience before me.
   
   Today, almost four weeks to the day, I think about my baby often and have to fight back my tears.
   
   My experience left me confused and looking for answers. When I went to the ER the doctors and nurses didn't talk to me about what was happening and didn't tell me what to expect after I left their care. I went home with no pain meds, and no idea what was going to happen in the next few days.
   
   Medically I was taken care of, but emotionally and mentally none of my needs were addressed. I didn't know if my physical symptoms were normal, I didn't know if I should be worried about the amount of blood I was losing. All these concerns weighed heavily on my mind and made the process even worse.
   
   I don't know why today I miss my baby so much, but I do. Maybe it’s my hormones, maybe I haven't kept myself busy enough to distract me, maybe I'm just tired of pretending I'm ok so others won't feel uncomfortable around me. Knowing whatever the reason may be does not change the fact that all the signs of being a mommy to be are gone and on March 17th my arms will be empty; empty like my heart feels today, almost four weeks to the day since I lost my baby.

   Friday, January 19, 2007 13:51:33

   Treacey says:
   

   I am glade that I found this site, now I don't feel so alone. I had just made 10 weeks on 10/22/06.I was at work on Monday 10/23 and I started to bleed a little. I immediatley called my doctor and she told me to come in right away and take a blood test. The told me that I would get the results the next day so go home and rest. I went home and a few hours later I used the bathroom and I noticed that the blood got a little heavier and more red. I knew then that I was in trouble.I went to the emergency room and they stated that the u/c showed that I was only 5 weeks pregnant. The doctor stated that either my dates are off by five weeks or miscarriage due to a blighted ovum. I then knew in my heart that I was no longer pregnant. They want me to come in for more blood test to see if the numbers have went up or down. I am bleeding now and it looks like I am passing tissue. I looks like I am going to be having a natural miscarriage instead of the d/c. It has been so sad for me and I really want this to be over so that I can get over this. My family is really supportive and they have been really trying to bring up my hopes, but when I'm alone, I cry endless tears. This was my first pregnancy and I was really looking forward to having a baby. I want to try again but I am really scared.

   Friday, January 19, 2007 13:52:30

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Wendy,
   I am so sorry for the pain you've been through, and am very glad you felt comfortable enough to vent here. the feelings can be so overwhelming after miscarriage, I know. It's as if they consume you on some days. I agree with you that miscarriage changes your life- changes you as a person. It changed me, too.
   
   I also feel for your husband, and wish you both light, support, healing and blessings.
   
   I relate to both your feelings of loss, sadness and feeling depressed after miscarriage and to possibly not having another child. I suppose we never know what's down the road--and sometimes doors open we didn't know existed. I train my brain to think that way because I believe it to be the truth, and I'm 40 and don't have a child yet.
   
   Along with the loss of your baby, it sounds like your poor body went through some rough seas to add to the fallout after miscarriage. I'm glad they got your headaches under control, and for the fluid pills also helping. I'm no doctor, but am glad you've got one who gave you the physical care you needed.
   
   The emotional part is the tough one, as you can attest. I wish you didn't have to know what it feels like, but I give you so much credit for your strenghth. You have, throughout all of this, been able to care for your 2 year old. I know you may say, "I 've got no choice." Well, speaking as the aunt of a 2 year old, there's a lot of love and a whole lot of work, too. Please be gentle to yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for being a great Mom who needs a little time because she's hurting.
   
   I'll keep you, everyone here, in my thoughts and prayers. Your miscarriage wasn't that long ago, and you're still grieving the loss of your baby and all the hopes, plans, dreams and wishes that went along with your new little one.
   
   Peace to you & yours,
   Ellen

   Friday, January 19, 2007 13:56:24

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Myrna,
   I am so sorry for the pain you're going through, and am glad you are supported by friends and family. That's so important, yet I know the feeling of tears which seem neverending. Mine were, too.
   
   During this time, where you've just miscarried, please treat yourself gently. Your grief is strong- and each day is a step towards healing. Some days are harder than others; and on those days, please don't view your tears as a setback. You've suffered a monumental loss, and my heart and prayers are with you.
   
   If you ever need to come back to vent, please do. Sometimes, letting it out makes you feel less alone in your grief. I know it doesn't take it away...but you are supported by those who know you, and those of us who don't but know what you're living.
   
   Peace to you and yours,
   Ellen

   Friday, January 19, 2007 13:57:01

   Stacy says:
   

   Im am so glad that i found this site. Things are going a little better It has been 1 week since my miscarriage. I own a bagel store and all this week my customers have been bringing in cards to say how sorry they are for our loss, I think it's really nice but i sometimes have it hard to hold it together. the crying I have been doing is very overwhelming but I am trying to take it day by day the same with my husband and to girls. I wish all of you the best.

   Friday, January 19, 2007 20:54:43

   Sarah says:
   

   I just miscarried the second of my twins this week. We had learned at my first prenatal appointment, at 7 weeks 5 days, that I'd been pregnant with twins, but that one of them had died. The other baby, though, had a strong heartbeat and I was assured that it would be ok.
   
   When I went in for my routine appointment last week, at what I thought was 12 weeks, they couldn't hear the baby's heartbeat. An ultrasound revealed that it had probably died just two days after we'd seen it last, and that my body had been carrying around a dead baby for almost a month. I had the D&C on Wednesday.
   
   I find myself really angry. When we learned that the first baby died, I comforted myself with the fact that at least I had one healthy baby still growing. I wish now that if I had to lose them both, that I would have found out all at once, instead of believing and hoping for a month that the other baby was fine.
   
   The doctors have been kind, but seem unconcerned that I lost this pregnancy. I have a 13 month old daughter, which apparently means to them that this loss was a fluke. But it makes me nuts not knowing exactly what happened. The hardest thing for me so far has been accepting that we'll probably never know; that, and wrapping my mind around the fact that I won't feel my baby kicking me in a few weeks, or experience his or her first cry, or cuddle a newborn this summer.

   Saturday, January 20, 2007 11:29:14

   Christina says:
   

   I just had a premature birth with my daughter at 16 weeks due to fibroids that i was unaware of. Apparently i have three that my doctor could see, one the size of a lemon. I am very sad and depressed about this especially reading about other mothers that had fine healthy babies while suffering from fibroids. Just leads me to believe even more that it was my fault and somthing could have been done. If i were more aware? If i had made them give me a ultrasound whenever i felt somthing wrong. Im so ANGRY.....i wanna scream.....its not fair....why can everyone else have their baby and not me?? what did i do wrong? I am worried that this will happen again and i will not be able to have children. i want to start trying to conceive again but when i think about it i realize i cant replace her and that i dont want any other baby i want her! I cant get out of bed...i dont even eat...i cant take a shower....im afraid to be alone in the shower...she was always there with me...i would look to see how big i was getting...wash my little lump...its not fair...i want to get over this....but then again when i do start feeling a little better..(which goes away very quickly) i feel guilty...like im forgetting her..i dont want to forget her..but i dont want to hurt anymore...thanks for letting us write....does anyone know of any natural way to keep these fibroids at bay so i can have a successful pregnancy? Something i can take while pregnant? I know that the fibroids got bigger due to the hormones and blood supply during pregnancy. If there is something out there natural i can take to level those hormones so the fibroids wont grow bigger with out hurting my unborn child. dont know if anyone knows..im afraid to ask my doctor...dont know what she will think of me... thank you

   Sunday, January 21, 2007 17:07:13

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Christina,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and hope with all my heart that you'll please stop blaming yourself and feeling guilty over your miscarriage. I know it's tough to do, but please believe it was not your fault.
   
   I, too, have fibroids and have talked at length with my doctor about them. There are some cases I've been told where women have no complications during pregnancy due to fibroids, while in other cases there are complications.
   
   Where I'm not a doctor, I can't say much more about it. I do know the fear, however.
   
   Fibroids scare me, too. I've have one that's pretty large on the left side of my uterus. The only way I can find out if it's okay at this stage of my life to have a child is to talk to my doctor.
   
   Please don't be afraid to speak to your doctor. It sounds like you need to and I don't believe your doctor would judge you at all. There's nothing to judge!
   
   You haven't done anything wrong, and are in very deep pain. You've got a lot of healing to do, and on top of it all you're very scared about your situation with the fibroids. It seems to me the best route would be to speak to your doctor because the more you know, the better off you are.
   
   I've also heard of cases where, for some reason, fibroids get smaller or stop growing during pregnancy. I think it can go either way, but again, I'm no expert.
   
   I wish you much healing, comfort, and understanding by those around you. If you ever want to come back to vent, please do. Your feelings matter, as does the little on you lost. Again, I am so sorry for all you're going through. Remember to take it one moment at a time, don't place blame on yourself, and believe that in time, you will heal. That doesn't mean forgetting your baby- it simply means you'll heal and won't hurt as much.
   
   Blessings to you, and I do hope you find out all that you need to know about your fibroids so you can begin the next step on your journey.
   
   Ellen

   Monday, January 22, 2007 14:46:47

   Cindy says:
   

   I was just wondering if anyone else has been in the same situation that I'm in. On December 9th, 6 weeks and 2 days ago, I had a miscarriage. I had it natural and at home with my parents and my boyfriend by my side. It's been really hard trying to let go and "move on". I think about my little Ben everyday! We were only 15 weeks along but already we had dreams and plans and now I'm not sure what to do. I feel numb! It takes me longer to process thoughts and I cry alot. My boyfriend's sister in law just had a baby and I had to make myself go to the hospital. I cried all the way home. Now, his family is wanted to through her a baby shower and they want me to have it at my house! I can't do it! It's not that I don't like them! It's just that I don't know if I can handle that! Does this make sense to anyone? Am I just being self-centered?
   
   Please Help!

   Monday, January 22, 2007 16:13:32

   Catherine says:
   

   I'm so glad to have found this site. I miscarried in Aug 2006 at 18 weeks. Last Saturday would have been my due date and I can't stop crying. I went to the hospital twice in late July/early Aug with really bad back pains, I've had kidney stones before so I figured that was the problem. A few weeks later I went to the bathroom and a gush came out - no blood just lots of water. We found out later that my water broke. I have a happy healthly 18 month son at home and a wonderful husband. It's been months since we lost our second child and I still cry more then I care to admit. I cry at work in my office so nobody can see me and try my best to be o.k. at home. I'm not sure how to talk to my husband about this - any suggestions? I feel like I should be over this by now but I'm not even close. I get sad and just turn the pain into anger which I know is not healthly but I'm not sure how else to cope. How do I bring up my feeling to my husband when he seems to have gotten over it - he didn't even mention the baby's due date.
   Any advice would be helpful.

   Tuesday, January 23, 2007 15:08:57

   Ellen says:
   

   Katie says:
   
   My heart breaks for all of us who have lost our babies. This is such a terrible thing. I recently experienced my fifth loss and I am still reeling from the shock of it all.
   
   My first pregnancy began in January 2006. My grandmother passed away on the first and it seemed fitting to be pregnant right after losing her. She loved babies so much, I felt as if she was watching over us and blessing the pregnancy. We had not been trying for a baby "yet," but were planning on starting to try in the spring. Even though it was earlier than planned, my husband and I were THRILLED. When I started spotting a week after the positive test (at 6 weeks), we were shocked. I had always thought that a positive pregnancy test means a healthy baby. Sure, I had heard of miscarriage, but no close friends or family had ever had one. That only happened to "other" people. Well, it had happened to me, and I honestly thought my life was over. But my OB said that it was so common and urged us to wait one cycle and try again.
   
   So, we did, and lost that baby in March at 5 weeks. We were advised to wait 3 months to try again. In July, we conceived and lost that baby at 6 weeks. After that third loss, my OB grudgingly referred us to a fertility specialist. My OB wasn't good at handling recurrent loss. She basically told me that I was making a mountain out of a molehill and all women lose this many pregnancies, most just don't know it, because it happens so early. Well, good for those women! But I KNOW I am pregnant when I miscarry and these are still babies! Also, all of my friends are trying for babies, and one thing I know about women trying for babies - they are pee-on-a-stick-aholics, so they would ALL know if they were 6 weeks pregnant! And none of them are losing their pregnancies.
   
   We were't trying for our fourth pregnancy in August, but were just as sad when we lost that one at 5 weeks.
   
   We had all of the fertility testing done and everything came back "normal" in September. Our RE said that everything looked fine and recommended we try one more time on our own.
   
   We got pregnant in October and everything looked great. Early ultrasounds showed appropriate growth and at 8 weeks, we saw a healthy heartbeat - 176 bpm! Our RE put our chances of miscarriage at less than 3% and released us to a new OB. I was SICK AS A DOG, ending up in the ER twice for fluids. Everyone smiled when I told them how sick I was. It was a good sign of a healthy baby I was told.
   
   On December 8, at our first appointment with our new OB, we eagerly looked forward to another ultrasound. We were 11 weeks and we were planning on taking the ultrasound pictures to my husband's family right after the appointment to let them know about the baby. But there was no heartbeat. The baby had stopped growing almost a week before, but my body had no idea. I had to have a D&C. They sent the tissue for testing, but since the baby had been dead for over a week by that time, our OB is doubtful we will get any results.
   
   I feel so empty, so helpless, so hopeless. I keep losing my precious angels and no one seems to really care. The medical community considers that I have had four "chemical" pregnancies (we had bloodwork confirm all of them, but never made it far enough for an ultrasound) and one miscarriage. Even our RE doesn't seem that concerned. But how many times must I go through this? How much heartbreak can one couple endure?
   
   I feel as if I am grieving so much. I am grieving five little angels, the death of my "innocent pregnancy," and possibly even my future motherhood. As Neil said, I have the unusual problem of having no problem with conception. I just can't stay pregnant. And because we get pregnant so easily, the doctors seem to dismiss us all the more.
   
   My husband has been wonderful, but he and I grieve very differently. It seems he has already moved on, but I am still stuck. I don't know how to move forward.

   Tuesday, January 23, 2007 16:16:23

   Ellen says:
   

   Ellen says:
   
   Dear Katie,
   I am so sorry. I can't imagine the terrible emotional ride you've been on. To lose so many babies so closely together must be overwhelming.
   
   My heart and prayers and certainly with you.
   
   One thing that's really bothering me is the apparent 'easy' dismissal by those in the medical community you're seeing. I'm not saying they are bad people; I'm saying they are not addressing your grief in any way. At least that's what I'm reading into this very sad story.
   
   If only...
   
   If only your primary OB said to you, "I'm so sorry for your loss. What can I do to help? Would you like a referral to talk to someone?"
   
   If only the fertility specialist said, "I'm so sorry. What can I do? Do you need help? Would a support group benefit you and your husband?"
   
   I know what it's like to feel stuck. It's a scary, lonely place and I wish there were an easy way to tell you how to move forward. But, there's not. You're grieving...multiple losses. You're grieving your chance at motherhood possibly being gone. I'm not saying it is...there is always hope. However, I understand your grief, as do many of the women here who, like you, have bared their hearts and souls.
   
   YOU, the women here, and those all over the world who have miscarried are proof of the support still needed so very much. Not only in the medical community, (which is where I think it needs to begin), but at home, with friends, and in support groups sprouting up all over the place to help women, men, & other family members cope with the loss of a baby to miscarriage.
   
   After what you've been through, I have to say I admire your strength. Your ability to even share your pain while comforting others is both touching and inspiring.
   
   Moving forward is something that's done on a step-by-step basis, and nobody can tell you how fast or when it will or should happen. Your heart will know when it's time to begin moving forward- and that will come after a lot of grieving has taken place. We can't move forward if we don't grieve. It's like saying we can be full if we're hungry and haven't yet eaten. You must eat first to be full. You must grieve first to move forward.
   
   How long do you grieve? It's different for each of us. AND, there's a big difference between grieving and moving forward while still remembering your baby, or babies. When you begin to feel yourself moving forward, you'll still miss your babies. You'll still remember them and feel sad. There will be times when all seems to be going along just fine and you suddenly cry over your lost little ones. That's not a bad thing, nor is it a set back. It's normal. It's life- the tough part.
   
   My son would have been sixteen-years old this year and I still cry sometimes.
   
   Just as I still cry over the loss of my grandparents.
   
   People who have walked this earth and touched our lives are missed, just as those who never got the chance to walk this earth but were here nonetheless, are missed.
   
   Your babies, my baby, all of our babies were HERE but not seen or held. They are missed and loved and there's nothing wrong with that. From the moment we find out we are pregnant, many of us fall in love with our babies.
   
   That very same love forever ties our hearts to the babies we lost.
   
   I know I've gone on in a million directions. I'm sorry if I've rambled. Know you are not alone; my thoughts and prayers are with you; and I wish you healing, love, light, support, and for your dreams of motherhood to come true- be it through having a baby biologically, or adopting a baby. Whichever is the RIGHT path for you.
   
   Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Tuesday, January 23, 2007 16:17:01

   Ellen says:
   

   Hello Everyone,
   A comment came in at MiscarriageHelp.com, and my heart simply broke for this poor woman. She's lived through both a miscarriage AND a still-birth, and in an effort to reach somebody who has lived the same, I am posting her message here & on my <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/..." target="new">Amazon.com</a> blog.
   If you feel you're able to offer her some words of comfort and assurance, please do. It's in reaching out to others that we often help ourselves heal. Thank you to anyone who feels able to respond to this. (Either here or on Amazon.com).
   Peace to you,
   Ellen
   (COMMENT)
   Ellen-
   I am not sure if the is the right place for me to seek answers butI will try- I have had term Pregnancies resulting in healthy babies- In aug. 05- I had a mc at 11 weeks- the doc appointment before baby had HR of 160- next appointment nothing- I had a D&C the next morning- I thought it was the most devestating thing that could ever happen until October 9, 2006 when I delivered my baby Gabrielle still- I am trying to find others that have had these two very different experiences- and see if htey were able to have a successful pg afterwards ? Most I have "talked" to have either had mc in the first trimester or still birth- I have found no one with both! I know I cannot be a rarity- I am 38 and wanting answers- as this will help with closure and if we even want to TTC again- I just do not think I can take another loss! I hope someone here can provide some help- or direct em to where I can get some help- we do not have the pathology reports backa dn my doc is going to work me up at my 6 week check in November- Thank you for any help you can provide.
   Monday, October 23, 2006 09:35:26

   Tuesday, January 23, 2007 16:25:03

   Ellen says:
   

   Kelley says:
   I am so confused about what I should be doing and feeling right now. I just passed most of the blood and tissue from my miscarriage last night/early this morning. I had gone to the doctor concerned at 12 weeks, because the symptoms of my pregnancy were dissipating. I had passed a small "ball" of yellow mucous (something that hadn't happened in either of my previous pregnancies).
   
   The midwife couldn't find a heartbeat with doppler. I was sent down the hall for a sonagram and told the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks and the sack at 10 and the sack was deformed. I started bleeding 2 days later, passing several large clots over about 4 days. The cramping & pain and heavy clots were off and on, but yesterday I went for a follow up and based on what I told the midwife, she thought maybe I had already been through the worst. She asked if I had seen any tissue and I told her I wasn't sure...I didn't want to examine the big clots too closely, afraid of what I might find. But last night, the pain was unbearable. The cramps were like labor pains, and the clots just kept coming, one after another. At one a.m, I called the OB at the hospital, and he told me that he suspected I was really just starting the actual miscarriage and I had a long night ahead. He was right. Finally at about 4 am, I passed a huge blob of tissue...like a grapefruit. I put it in a bag, and am afraid to look. Is it the placenta? The sack? Is the baby in there? I'm afraid if I do find the baby, I'll be traumatized forever. And if I don't look, I'll feel guilty forever. I don't want my husband to think I'm a freak if he comes home in a while with our two little boys and finds me digging through it. I'm just so scared and sad and wondered if anyone has any thoughts!
   
   Saturday, October 07, 2006 10:27:34<br>

   Tuesday, January 23, 2007 16:25:36

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Cindy,
   I am so sorry for your loss and all you're going through. While it seems you've got the support of some family members, I can't understand anyone wanting you to host a babyshower at your house. I don't believe you're being 'self-centered' at all. You're grieving the loss of your own little one and for anyone to expect you to host not just a party, but a BABY shower just isn't thinking clearly about it. Perhaps they don't understand what you're truly feeling- how much you're still grieving.
   
   I could barely attend a baby shower for quite a while after my miscarriage, never mind give one.
   
   Please don't beat yourself up over this. In no way are you being selfish. I don't think your family is trying to hurt you by asking you to hold the shower at your house, but I think you've got to explain to them that it's just too painful for you right now.
   
   If they can't understand, it's not your job to make them. I know saying 'no' can be tough, especially to family. Seems to me in this case you need to.
   
   I wish you much healing, comfort, love and support. The days will get better, but you need to give yourself time to get there.
   
   Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Wednesday, January 24, 2007 06:26:20

   Christina says:
   

   dear kelly,
   
   just wanted to say i know how you feel. I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks almost two weeks ago. when i had her i didnt hold her. i knew i probably would feel guilty later but i told myself when the time comes to think about it i will have to live with my decision because i was jsut too scared. i let my husband and my mother hold her. told them to let her know i loved her and i was very sorry that i didnt mean to hurt her. I have a little box with my baby's pictures in them. i havent looked yet... last night i cried my eyes out cause i was missing her so much so i peaked in the box. still i can not look all the way. i understand how you feel. this situation we are in is sooooo hard, and to look at our poor baby like that just hurts to think about. if at all possible i would suggest that you take to your doctor and have them take pictures for you bring a nice box or maybe they have one and take it home. when yo uare ready to look at them do so. just wanted to let you know you arent the only one and i understand how you feel. its very hard and im sorry.

   Wednesday, January 24, 2007 12:07:43

   lowest airfare says:
   

   Thank you so much for your hard but very interesting work!

   Thursday, February 01, 2007 00:30:47

   Holly says:
   

   I just needed a place to write about my baby. I m/c on Friday at 6 weeks and 2 days. We had tried for 11 months to get pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant, the next 2 weeks and 2 days were the best days of my life. I love you baby. May you rest in the arms of heaven forever.

   Monday, February 05, 2007 11:42:55

   RAQ says:
   

   I had a miscarriage about 72 hours ago and I am so sad. I feel like I am walking around like a zombie, waiting for each day to pass into another and reliving the horror of expelling my child into the toilet every time I tend to my bleeding body. One minute I feel like crying the next I feel like kicking the door in. The doctor is making me get my levels checked to be sure they are going back down every other day and I have to sit and wait in a room with pregnant women, little babies and stories of happiness and idea sharing. I am happy for them, but not where I want to be 3 short days after this tragedy in my life. Everyone says the most stupidest things. Its better this way. What do you think you did? How did it feel? It was meant to be. I was only 4-5 weeks along and didn't know I was pregnant until about 1 week before the miscarriage, but the moment I found out -- that was my child. I was happy and in love. My husband was away on a business trip when I took the 3 pregancy tests in a row because I could not believe what I was seeing. We had been trying for a year and decided to take a break - when presto, I was pregnant! I put the 3rd test, the results sheet and a little note saying Hi Daddy on his pillow for when he came home in the middle of the night. He woke me up surprised, happy and in tears rubbing my stomach. We starting looking for baby names that week and started to make plans to redo our spare room for the baby. The tiny ball of cells everyone keeps calling my child, would have been in my arms before Halloween. That tiny ball of cells - that kills me - would have had a heartbeat and fingers and toes in another week. MY CHILD is gone and I feel weak and alone. My husband is trying so hard to help me, but no one can reverse what has happened. I love my child. I am so sorry you are gone. You are wanted and loved. I will remember you always. You are NOT a ball of cells, but a child who is deeply missed and so desparately wanted. I love you.

   Thursday, February 08, 2007 23:57:46

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear RAQ,
   Oh, I am SO sorry. My heart goes out to you and your husband, and I do know the heartache you're feeling. Your baby was not just a 'ball of cells'- he or she was your precious little one you had all the love, hopes and dreams in the world for.
   
   You are grieving right now, and have every right to. People must try to understand that you've lost a baby- and to say things like 'it was meant to be' etc., just does not help. I think their intentions are good, but what people must try to understand is this: You've lost a baby, not a 'nothing'. Just because you never held your baby doesn't mean you didn't love your baby. You can kind of see why I titled my book "I Never Held You." I felt just like you, and as I read your comments, couldn't help but feel the tears start.
   
   Please give yourself the time you need to grieve- taking things one day at a time. That's all we've got, and each moment is different. You may feel a little better one second, and the very next find yourself crying so hard your head hurts.
   
   I know. I've been there.
   
   Although there is nothing I can say that will take away your pain or make any of this go away, I want to let you know you are in my thoughts, heart and prayers.
   
   Please take care of yourself and I hope you are surrounded by love and support- and perhaps an angel or two.
   
   God Bless,
   Ellen

   Saturday, February 10, 2007 07:27:40

   Julie says:
   

   Hi,
   English is not my mother tongue, so please forgive any spelling mistakes I make. They come from my grammar but the words come from my "french canadian" heart.
   I'm in so much pain, I can barely see what I am writing. A week ago, I had my third miscarriage, or spontaneous abortion like the doctors call it... No matter the name it hurts. Even after the physical pain is gone, the heart ache is still there. I was over 12 weeks pregnant, we had waited for the 3 month mark to tell our friends and family. Yet, once again we had to share the bad news. The doctors were happy in an odd kind of way, "now that you've had your third spontaneous abortions we can conduct different tests..." Yeah sure, you can poke me, examine me to make sure I've elimanated everything inside my uterus, yet the pain and the tears are not always visible on your monitors. It seems even thougher as the days go by, I thought the pain would shrink but it isn't... for everytime I see a doctor and tell him my story I not only relive this miscarriage but also the two others. And their only conforting words are : "you're only 32, you are still young and healthy." Of course it makes me pround to exercice, eat healthy, not smoke, nor drink... all of this adds up to miscarriages... This probably makes no sence... I just need to get it out... I did everything right, I did everything I was suppose to, this shouldn't of happend again... I need time to grieve but with all the doctors appointements I have scheduled I don't know how that will be possible. Last Saturday, I was able to hold back the tears but haven't been able to do so since. I am thankful to have a place to go and post my message. tahnk you for reading me.

   Saturday, February 10, 2007 10:29:51

   Stacy says:
   

   it's been 3 and a half weeks since i lost my wish to have my third baby I have ups and downs but today is a down day and i needed a place to vent. I just got my period for the first time since the m c and i am having a really ruff time i feel like i am reliving the day when my dream for my baby was taken from me.My husband is so sad that i feel this way but we are tring to talk more to each other about this. I do believe this happenened for a reason but then i feel thats not good enough for me. One thing is that i feel for all of you women it's sp hard a god bless you all some day I hope all of your dreams come true.

   Sunday, February 11, 2007 08:42:16

   Kitty says:
   

   After trying for 6 years to get pregnant, I finally had that positive test. I finally had my miracle. Only, my miracle ended in miscarriage last night. I was supposed to be 7 weeks. My baby was only 5 weeks, (or 3 weeks gestation) though. I found this out 2 nights ago after sitting in the ER for 9 hours due to some bleeding that had started that night. My hcg levels were too low, and the u/s dating was too far behind to be possible or to have any sort of good outcome. I knew as soon as the words "4-5 weeks" came out of the doctors mouth. My positive test was 4 weeks ago from that point! It was impossible to only be that far. After sharing that information, the doctors agreed, and pretty much told me to expect the miscarriage to progress from threatened to inevitable. My heart sank. 6 hours after going home, the cramps started. Another 6 hours from there, the sac that contained the cells that were supposed to have been my child, my miracle, passed out of me. Maybe I'm crazy for it, but I kept it... That tiny pea-sized sac, still intact, containing its fluid, and whatever small piece of my child that had developed inside of it. I wrapped it carefully in tissue, and I stared at it, crying for what seemed forever, as the reality sank in that I was no longer pregnant. That chances are I might not ever again be as such. This was my child, my only child, my lifelong dream, and its gone. I put it into a small box. I want to give it a proper burial, as silly or as crazy as that may be. Its my child. I had a follow up appointment today, and it was torture sitting in the waiting room with all of the other moms to be. The ones who were rubbing their big pregnant bellies, and looking lovingly at their ultrasound pictures, while gently rocking another child in a carrier at their side. I'm so happy for these women, for their success, yet so upset for myself, for my loss. My m/c is complete, and now I have to repeat followups every week to monitor my hcg levels. Seeing all the pregnant women with happy pregnant faces week after week, while I silent sob and try to hide wiping away the tears that pour from my eyes, and suffocating the vocal pains that emanate from my heart.
   Every time I go to the toilet, I am reminded of what is lost. Every time I feel those horrible contracting cramps I am reminded that my child is dead. Every time I close my eyes to try and sleep (which is impossible) I see the child that never will be.
   Of course I will keep trying, and maybe lightning will strike twice and I can conceive again. And maybe this time, it will stick. All I can do is be cautiously optimistic that maybe just maybe something will go right for me. Otherwise I'm bound to go insane.
   
   Everywhere I look I see all these signs that the world is laughing at me, poking fun at my grief. I see ads on TV about pregnancy, or pregnant women, or pregnancy references in the shows I watch, or an ad about babies or pregnancy that pops up on some site as I try to browse the web and busy my mind. Each time I see these things, it is as if the world were rubbing salt in this massive wound in my soul. I know this isn't factual, and sounds out and out silly, but its truly how it feels at times, and I'm only just beginning this long road to recovery.
   
   Sorry this was so long. Thank you for reading my story.

   Monday, February 12, 2007 16:24:03

   RAQ says:
   

   To Ellen: I want to take a moment to thank you for your reply. You will never know how much it means to me. I also want to thank you for this wonderful site. My heart breaks for all of us, but having this small place in the universe to come and know that you are not alone and have the chance to share your inner most feelings with those who have experienced the same pain helps tremendously. Just to have a place to get it all out and have it heard by someone who has been there, is the greatest gift. We all have people in our lives -- husbands and sisters and mothers who do their best to understand and comfort, but the words of a woman who has been there -- although a stranger, are invaluable and precious. It has been a week today since we lost our child. We will stay awake until 1:00 am when it happened and cry and remember and mourn the loss of our child. My husband will hold me and wipe my tears and I will do the same for him. And in our pain -- now and always -- we will remember the words from a caring stranger who knows how we feel and cared enough to offer words of comfort, understanding and strength. Pieces of us will never heal, and we will always remember our precious little baby, but we will take some strength and peace from your kind words as we try to go forward. Ellen, thank you so much and may God bless YOU for all the wonderful work you do.

   Monday, February 12, 2007 23:04:56

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Kitty,
   I'm so very sorry for your loss, and for the years of trying to get pregnant. I can only imagine the emotional ride you have been on.
   
   I know very well the seeming "attack" of baby "anything"- be it a commercial on TV, baby items in a store, an invite to a baby shower, or simply seeing a pregnant woman and wondering, "Why isn't that me?"
   
   It's a very painful time, and I can say with confidence that I felt exactly the way you do. Seemed everywhere I went, there was yet another reminder of what could have been- my baby and motherhood.
   
   You're not abnormal for feeling this way, for grieving, for any of it. You have gone through a loss so real, so painful and deep, that there really aren't words to describe it fully.
   
   The only thing I can say to you is how sorry I am, how much I, along with the others here, CARE about you, and taking things one day at a time is about the only thing you can do. Allowing yourself to feel is so important, and just by you coming here to let it out shows me that you're willing to explore your feelings...even though they hurt.
   
   For SO long I couldn't standing going to my OBGYN. It was like a constant reminder of what I lost- WHO I lost. I felt so guilty for feeling jealous of women who were experiencing healthy pregnancies, and I remember crying as I sat on the table in the examination room while reading letters and looking at photos of brand-new, healthy babies and parents. They'd write my doctor and say how wonderful she was throughout their entire pregnancy right through to delivery. I do think she's a wonderful doctor, but, for a while, those letters and photos hurt. I wanted SO much to be one of the people sending one in.
   
   I don't blame myself for feeling that way, and I hope you're not blaming yourself for your feelings. If you are, please be gentle with yourself. You've been through a LOT and would't be human if you didn't feel.
   
   I wish you and your husband the very best. I wish you comfort, support, and HOPE.
   
   Blessings,
   Ellen

   Wednesday, February 14, 2007 06:19:32

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear RAQ-
   Your thank you means more than you'll ever know.
   God Bless,
   Ellen

   Wednesday, February 14, 2007 06:20:47

   Tracy says:
   

   I just stumbled upon this site. I don't know where to start. In August, 2006 I went to my OB/GYN to find out why I had just had a strange period. She wanted to run a few tests to rule out a few conditions and to do an ultrasound. At the time I was just starting my first semester of graduate work to get certified as a teacher. The blood test that was ordered was positive for pregnancy and I am ashamed to say I cried, mostly out of fear. I was on medication for high blood pressure, smoking and not eating well at all. I had also just had a TB test. I was also afraid of my husband's response. We are in our mid 30's with 3 children (two teens and a 4 year old). I told my husband and he was excited, he told me "God must think we are pretty good parents to trust us with another little one." Two weeks later pain caused me to go to the OB/GYN again. I had an ovarian cyst that burst, and they could not find anything in my uterus. My hCG levels were also not on the rise like they should be. The doctor sent me home and told me to wait out the miscarriage. She also said I shouldn't be so upset because we had not planned the pregnancy.
   
   Now, 5 months later my younger sister just found out she is pregnant. My mother asked me when I am going to try again. I started to cry and they say things like, "If you wouldn't have made the doctor appointment you would never even known that you were pregnant." "It's a blessing, you weren't taking very good care of yourself and your life is a little hectic for a baby anyway." "You didn't lose anything, he's just waiting for a better time." I know they mean well, but their words are so empty to me. Sitting here crying I am just so tired to pretending that everything is alright and that I am feeling better. My husband asks why I am crying and when I tell him, he changes the subject. The worst part is the not knowing: was it a boy or a girl? Why did I miscarry? Was it my fault? After 5 months shouldn't I be feeling better? When am I going to get over the loss? I am just looking for some guidance and help. I feel all alone.

   Monday, February 19, 2007 17:00:32

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Tracy,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and I know it's even more difficult when someone close to you is pregnant. The day I found out I lost my baby, two friends flagged me down on my way home from the hospital. They were smiling and said, "Guess what? We're pregnant!"
   
   Ouch. But, I was happy for them and didn't want to take away from their joy.
   
   The things people say to you are probably said with the best of intentions. However, they're not what you want, or need, to hear. Being AWARE of what miscarriage truly does to a woman's heart and soul is what this site, and my book, are all about. You are grieving- you have lost a precious baby and all the hopes and dreams you had for your baby. The more people understand that, the more compassionate or appropriate the words of support will be. I'm almost certain you would have rather heard a simple, "I'm so sorry." I realize the words can be difficult to find when trying to offer comfort to anyone who's suffered any kind of loss...but miscarriage seems to be one of the very gray areas in terms of grief.
   
   You've EVERY RIGHT to grieve, and to place a time frame on it is impossible. We all heal at our own pace, and it's most important for you to understand this. That way, you won't beat yourself for 'not getting over it' soon enough.
   
   You see, there is no 'soon enough'. You must walk the path to healing, and it's different for all of us.
   
   It's amazing how you can be in a room full of people and feel so alone. I say this because I felt it SO many times after my miscarriage. I know you feel alone because it seems nobody understands your pain. Maybe they don't, but through expressing ourselves we are all joining together to change that.
   
   Moving on and "forgetting" are two different things. I'd never expect you to forget your miscarriage. It changed you- and nothing can change that. Moving on only happens when you allow yourself to feel, (like you did here by getting some of your pain OUT and sharing it with others who KNOW and UNDERSTAND), and by allowing time to pass as you go through each day...each moment. As with any loss, and this I can personally attest to, there will be good days and not-so-good days. Nonetheless, there will be days, and with each one, you are journeying towards healing and recovery.
   
   Healing isn't always easy.
   
   Finding others who have lived the same and sharing your heart is a very important step in your healing after miscarriage. You've done that here, and can always come back again...and again.
   
   There are support groups for women and their families who have miscarried springing up and I'm so encouraged by it. Many times they are held in a hospital chapel where once a month those who have suffered a miscarriage, or more than one, gather to remember their precious little one.
   
   And, there are wonderful doctors like Linda Backman, who helped write many of the beginning chapters of I Never Held You. She knows first hand what it's like to lose a baby, and that loss led her to become a Psychologist and professional grief counselor. Through her pain, she's able to help others.
   
   Your miscarriage was NOT your fault- just like it's not your fault if it rains. Please don't blame yourself. It's a tough road to travel and I've walked it myself. It took time for me to realize I couldn't control the uncontrolable- and it hurt.
   
   (continued)....

   Wednesday, February 21, 2007 06:38:32

   Ellen says:
   

   (To Tracy, continued)...
   
   Although you don't know if your baby was a boy or girl- that baby is still YOUR baby. Love transcends what sex your baby was and the love in your heart will carry itself to your baby in heaven, where he or she resides. If you have a gut feeling about whether your baby was a boy or girl, perhaps you want to give your baby a name and tell he or she that you will always love her very much. I did that after about fifteen years at the suggestion of a friend. I would have never thought of it on my own.
   
   Your husband may not know what to say to you because he's unaware of just how painful this is. After my miscarriage, the one person I needed the most, (my husband at the time), couldn't really be there for me. He didn't get it and his way of dealing with "me" was to say things like, "Why don't you grow up and get over it." That really hurt. Later, he regretted his words, and I learned that I couldn't blame him for NOT KNOWING. How can somebody act upon something they know nothing about? However, it still hurt...a lot.
   
   Your husband probably wants to reach out to you and can't. Most likely he doesn't understand the depth of your pain, and if that's the case, (which I am seeing more and more), you can turn to others for the support you need.
   
   And, if you believe, you can turn to God.
   
   My faith, guided meditations, and writing to simply VENT helped me so much.
   
   You've taken the first step in writing your feelings and sharing them here.
   
   That was a bigger step than you may realize.
   
   I wish you all the comfort, love and support in the world, and please remember, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Everyone here is. I pray for women all over the world who are suffering in silence after miscarriage to find comfort, guidance, support- and the path to healing.
   
   Many Blessings,
   Ellen
   Many Blessings,
   Ellen

   Wednesday, February 21, 2007 06:39:11

   Kathy says:
   

   I am so glad I found this website. I stumbled on it by accident and it couldn't have happened at a more opportune time.
   
   My daughter-in-law has just been for her first scan. We are very close and she asked me to be there with her and my son. We were so excited and talking about how many pictures we were going to ask for, it was such a happy morning. However, when the nurse brgan the scan it was clear that there was something wrong. Eventually, after what seemed a lifetime and a discussion with a colleague she told us that she could find no heartbeat and that the baby hadn't grown in 3 weeks. She was given 3 options: To go home and let nature take its course. Take tablets to induce the miscarraige or have surgery.
   
   We are all absolutely devastated. Last year she had to have a termination because of an ectopic pregnancy. It just seems horrendous that they have to go through this all over again.
   
   My problem is that although I am grieving myself over the loss of another grandchild, I want to know the best way to help them through this. I don't want to interfere and yet I want them to know I am there for them whenever they need me. I also would do anything to take the pain away, especially for my son. As a mother I feel his pain and would gladly suffer myself than have him suffer like this. I haven't seem him sob like he did today since he was a child.
   
   Please can anyone help me to help them

   Thursday, February 22, 2007 14:18:59

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Kathy,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and for the loss your son and daughter-in-law are experiencing. You're in a very difficult situation because you're grieving, too, and also want to offer your support as a mother.
   When speaking to a friend last night, she said that seeing her son cry when her husband was very ill, (he passed away), was one of the most difficult things to endure. Not only was she emotionally drained from loving and caring for her husband, she was her son's mother. Her instinct was to help him because, as she said, "Seeing him cry like that was devastating."
   You've got a full plate, and so do your son and daughter-in-law. Your strength and dediction to support them in their time of need while you're in pain is touching beyond measure.
   It sounds like you've got a close relationship. You were there when the ultrasound was done; and were present when the horrible news of the baby's death happened.
   Seems to me you're a wonderful constant in both your son's and his wife's life.
   The best way to help is to continue being just WHO YOU ARE. You're already there for them, and while there's nothing you can do to take away the pain, the act of being around, listening, not dismissing the loss of this precious baby, and realizing that your son and daughter are grieving, is more than many people who live this could hope for. You WANT to know the 'right' thing to do, and I liken you to my own mother when I suffered a miscarriage. You must be a wonderful person.
   "I'm so sorry. Are you okay?"
   Hearing those words instead of, "It was for the best," will make so much of a difference. When somebody miscarries, the last thing she wants to hear are statements like what I mentioned above, and: "Don't worry. You can always have another." "It must have been meant to be." "You're young. You can always try again." Those words, while often said with the best of intentions, do nothing but dismiss the loss of a baby everyone was in love with before he or she even came to this earth.
   As you know, being the grandmother of this baby, you are grieving the loss of not only the child, but the plans, wishes, hopes and dreams you had for that baby.
   Your daughter-in-law and son are grieving those losses, too.
   Your heart is big and full of loving support already. If you stay on this path, you will be of great help.
   Nothing happens quickly, and your daughter-in-law and son have already suffered the loss of a baby last year.
   They are in a very sad situation and probably feel a bit hopeless about ever being able to have a family.
   One thing to keep in mind is this: They may be afraid to try again. That's understandable and many who suffer more than one miscarriage feel this way. Actually, even one miscarriage can do it.
   If that's the case, and they really want to have a baby, I'd gently suggest they talk to someone about it: her OBGYN and both of their primary care physicians. Also, they may need to find a support group and can check their local hospital to see if memorial services are offered for those who lost a child to miscarriage. I found a local hospital that offers such a service once a month, and I imagine this group of people have formed a special bond of support because they've all walked such a difficult road. They understand the pain all to well.
   If your son or daughter-in-law need a way to simply vent, as you did here, please let them know about this site. Sometimes, writing your feelings down and getting them OUT helps tremendously. Your daughter-in-law, son, and perhaps yourself, may find great comfort in the words of those who have been here and shared their pain.
   A connection is formed and people feel far less alone when they realize there are others living the same.
   Somehow, with faith, strength, and most of all, SUPPORT, we get through miscarriage- and any other loss. Support is a great key, and you are already a support system to your son and daughter-in-law.
   I pray for comfort...for YOU, your daughter-in-law, and your son. It's not an easy road to walk, as you already know, but with time, the journey towards healing begins. However, allowing yourself to grieve first is very important. Grief can't be buried or denied- otherwise, it stays inside and eats you up, preventing you from being able to heal.
   Blessings to you and your family, and again, I am so sorry for what you've all been through. You're in my prayers.
   Ellen

   Friday, February 23, 2007 06:39:25

   Allie says:
   

   I just want to let all of you know, that I realize the pain is so deep right now. It's been five years since my miscarriage, and I still have not forgotten it. Sometimes, I still cry over it. But, with time, you'll find your life beginning to return to normal. It's changed, but, I promise you'll begin to feel like yourself again. I wish this site were around when I miscarried, and I am very grateful it's here now, for you.
   
   It's also helped me, even though it's been a long time since my miscarriage. Reading your words has taught me that I wasn't crazy or alone in how I felt.
   
   God Bless all of you, and please give yourself the time you need to heal. Your angel baby will be with you forever.

   Friday, February 23, 2007 15:03:21

   Stacy says:
   

   Hi my name is stacy and i had a miscarriage about 6 weeks ago i am as with all of you having the worst time with this i miss my baby every second of the day. I try to keep it together foe my family but i just can't i have decided today that i need help i need to talk to someone about this because i feel that if i don't i will ruin my marriage. I would love to try for a baby but my husband does not and today I found out that my sister in law is pregnant and i feel nothing for her and I am not happy at all for her. Sounds mean but it's how i feel she will be due 4 weeks after my baby was due. I just don't think I can cope with watching her get bigger and bigger evey month that was to be me not her but me. My husband and I need to talk more on this and I know that nothing would replace my third baby but I really really with we could try for a fourth thank you everyone for listening this site has been a big help for me.

   Friday, March 02, 2007 19:53:17

   daisydee says:
   

   I cam across this site today. Just one day after I suffered a miscarriage. I wasn't very far slong. Maybe 4 weeks. I just found out I was pregnant last Monday. I only told a few select people because I didn't want to jinx it.
   I had a miscarriage in July and that was one the most awful things I have ever experienced. I had told so many people and I hated being asked about it afterwards...to only have to shake my head "No". Hearing "I'm sorry" or "It wasn't meant to be...", can get very tiresome, quickly.
   This time I made the effort not to tell anyone except my 2 best friends. Again I am disappointed. This is miscarriage #3. I have no children but I want one desperately.
   My best friend is pregnant. She is due in April. She found out she was pregnant only 2 weeks after my loss. I resent her for being able to carry to term. She has one beautiful child whom I love and adore. I am sure I will feel the same when the new one comes but I am angry. Angry because I want a child of my own to love and adore. I am tired of the excitement and anticipation to only be hurt in the end.

   Tuesday, March 06, 2007 14:40:58

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Daisy,
   I am so sorry for your loss...loss number three. You've got a very heavy load, and to feel jealous or angry because your best friend is pregnant is perfectly normal to me. I went through the SAME thing and I wanted to be happy for my friends. I wanted so much to forget about my loss and simply be excited about my friend's pregnancy.
   
   I was...and I was jealous, angry, hurt and kept wondering WHY over and over again. Why wasn't is me? Why couldn't I have a beautiful, healthy baby?
   
   All the questioning didn't get me anywhere, but looking back, I think it was all part of healing. Plus, to suffer a loss like miscarriage while someone close to you is pregnant only serves to remind you each time you see her- of your miscarriage.
   
   I know this all too well. The day I found out I lost my baby was the SAME day friends told me of their joyful news.
   
   My news was anything buy joyful- just like you.
   
   Please be gentle to yourself and don't feel 'bad' about your feelings. You have to feel them to get beyond this point and it's going to take time. I can't, nor will I, lie to you. Sadly, there's no magic pill to take away your pain or to stop you from grieving.
   
   That's what you're doing...grieving. And, my God, don't you have the right to?
   
   I wish I could be there to give you some support, but please take these words as my way of being there for you during this time. I can't imagine suffering through three miscarriages, and your fears about becoming excited over your pregnancy only to be hurt in the end are understandable.
   
   You've certainly done nothing wrong, and I wish I could offer you more comfort. Just know in your heart that time will make things easier...but you need to allow yourself TIME.
   
   You won't ever forget the pain you've gone through, but there is always HOPE. That's something we need to cling to with all our might. Hope never, ever goes away.
   
   There may be other options for you to have the baby of your dreams. Options that you may not see quite yet because you're deep in the middle of grieving the loss of your little one.
   
   Blessings, comfort and love to you and yours-
   Ellen

   Wednesday, March 07, 2007 07:39:34

   Lorrie says:
   

   I came across this site and I'm so glad I did. Jan 30th I went in for a regular check up ( was 12 weeks) and expressed the changes I was feeling. I thought I was farther along due to more energy and I was getting big. The doctor felt I was not farther along and he wanted me to go in for an ultrasound the next day for a measurement. Something told me that something was not right and I told my husband that on our way out of the office.I know he felt I was just being over dramatic but something inside told me to prepare. See, I had a miscarriage 7 years prior with my ex-husband and I lost the baby at home. Once it was over he never spoke of it again nor did his family. Six months after the miscarriage we were divorced ( he wanted no more children or the one we lost)I never really dealt with the loss, I just buried it inside. Now I am remarried to a wonderful man and 1 1/2 after we married we had a beautiful little girl. She will be four and we wanted to try for another child ( I'm 37 years old).Well, we did it and I was over excited due to it being my last time. Everyone at work and home were very excited to walk this journey with us one more time.Which brings me back to Jan 30th.The next day we went to the ultrasound and I was trying to prepare myself for the worst. Unfortunately, I was right there was no heart beat. Even though the tech tried to give me hope, I knew it was over.Of course, they had me come into the office the next day to draw hormone levels. I found out there was no heart beat on Tuesday and when Friday came I was wanting to crawl out of my skin.Everyday my children (3 and 10) had to watch their mother cry and still looking pregnant sit at home waiting. That Friday at the doctor's office, they took my last draw of blood and I broke down begging them to take the baby that day and not make me wait thru the weekend. I remembered the bleeding and pain I went thru the last time and I did not want my children to watch me go thru that again. My nurse was so compassionate and she paged the doctor. He took me that day and I felt so relieved but yet so empty they were taking my baby away from me.I went back to work one week after the d&c and convinced everyone I was doing ok. I WAS NOT OK. This has opened the flood gates for me and not only am I dealing with this loss but the loss from 7 years ago as well.I feel bad feelings towards my ex-husband for not acknowledging our baby and he does not even remember the name I picked out. I know I am truly blessed with my now husband and two children but my heart has been ripped out and I am now not dealing well with any of this. I have joined a support group and have been taking some anxiety meds.I started having anxiety attacks during work due to a lot of insensitive people. I found them trying to give me a lot of excuses why no one says anything to me about my loss but yet talks about another woman's pregnancy in front of me during a manager meeting and she is due the same month as me. All I ever get is that they did not know it would bother me or I should have left the meeting. I literally could not get out of my chair and I started to panick and prayed for them to stop or someone in the room would stand up for me. It did not happen and because of things like that my doctor took me off work for a month. I'm not sure if I want to go back, however, I know I should not make any decisions right now. They are all women and mothers, WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?
   I am now home trying to get myself back. My husband has been great and we even picked out a necklace from " my forever child" together to remember both babies lost.I try to talk about my feelings a lot, but I am afraid of growing old with people. I have had some wonderful cards sent to me and I read them when I'm feeling down. This site has been really good for me and reading some of these stories have made me feel validated on my feelings. My husband has also read some with me and I felt it helped him understand we're not the only ones going thru this, unfortunately.I am fighting really hard to work thru this. God bless everyone who is feeling what we feel.Thank you for listening.

   Tuesday, March 13, 2007 23:38:13

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Lorrie,
   I am SO sorry for your losses, and my heart goes out to you and your husband, too. I am glad he is supportive, and I know he's feeling the pain as well.
   
   I can relate to your pain on many levels, including the floodgates from your first miscarriage seven years ago opening up.
   
   It happened to me, and I also suffer, (still do), from anxiety attacks.
   
   I don't know if your coworkers meant to hurt your feelings, however, I don't understand the lack of consideration for your feelings. While I believe they have every right to celebrate the pregnancy of another, it would have been thoughtful had they realized your pain.
   
   Venting is critical to being able to begin the healing process. By allowing your feelings to spill out onto a piece of paper, your computer screen, a close friend who 'gets it'...is so important. Feeling isolated and alone in your grief does not help. Burying your feelings doesn't help either. I can feel all the pain of your first miscarriage combined with this one. I'm so sorry it hurts, but I also know you have to feel to heal.
   
   You mentioned the word VALIDATED with regard to your feelings...and they are validated for certain. You need to know that what you're suffering is a very real loss, and when society (in general) doesn't treat your miscarriage as a real loss, you end up feeling incredibly isolated in your grief.
   
   I did. You did. The women and men here did.
   
   Awareness of miscarriage and the fallout it leaves behind is vital in our communities, medical facilities, and around the globe. When people become more aware of how a woman and her family feel after miscarriage, the reactions will be different. The words "I'm sorry for your loss," will be heard more than "It's time to go on and get over this, now."
   
   That's what this site is about...my book and the books of others who have written about miscarriage are about, and you coming here expressing your heart and soul- that's what it's about.
   
   Your feelings are REAL. YOU matter. The baby you lost MATTERS. You anxiety attacks as a result of your miscarriage, etc., matter. Had you been treated more gingerly, perhaps, or with more respect, your anxiety attacks may not have happened. I can't say, but I know your pent up feelings of sadness, isolation, and your grief being dismissed didn't help. I'm not blaming any ONE person or group of people. I don't know if there's any blame at all because people can only give what they know. Compassion and sympathy, (as with any loss), for the woman who has miscarried will come naturally when society as a whole realizes a BABY was lost, not a 'thing'.
   
   It's an uphill climb, but I know we will get there, Lorrie, and we are all here for you in heart and spirit.
   
   I know you're in my thoughts and prayers, and I wear my necklace EVERY DAY for my baby, (Alex), who would have been sixteen this November. I got it from MyForeverChild.com last year and it's the first, tangible thing I can feel, touch, see...in honor of my baby who crossed over before I ever got to hold him. But, I never stopped loving him- ever.
   
   So little closure is offered to the woman who has miscarried. I know of some cases where memorial services are held, or funerals. But, more often than not we are left wondering...WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BABY?
   
   I believe women, (and their families), should be offered counseling immediately after experiencing a miscarriage. I believe more help should be available in group settings AND individual settings, i.e., a grief counselor.
   
   While all the help in the world will not take away your pain, it would certainly take some of the sting of isolationism out of it. I realize you must walk your own journey toward healing and recovery, (never forgetting), and I pray for all women there will be many more hands outstretched along the way. The hands of people who say, "Your baby mattered, and so do you."
   
   Blessings to you and your family, Lorrie.
   
   Ellen

   Thursday, March 15, 2007 07:44:29

   Mandy says:
   

   I don't even know where to start. I found out on March 12, 2007 that my pregnancy was "not viable". I was 6 weeks pregnant. I chose not to have the D&C because of my strong oppostion to abortion.
   
   I have 4 healthy children and this seems to be a reason for people to attack me for my severe depression and crying over the loss of my baby. I am married for the 2nd time and my three oldest children are not biologically my current husbands'. We have one little boy together who is 2 1/2. I found out last year that I have PCOS and have been on fertility treatments (chlomid/Glucophage) ever since. This miscarriage happened because of my progesterone levels being dangerously low. My husband and I both want a huge family and were ecstatic when we found out almost 2 weeks ago that we were expecting. The loss of this baby is not made any easier because of the children we already have. We love our children, they are blessings, but the extreme grief we feel over the loss of our baby is unbelievable. Why won't our friends and family let us grieve? Having other children doesn't mean you love the one you lose any less!
   
   I can't stop crying and searching all over the web for something to make me feel better. I'm having a hard time taking care of the other kids.
   
   Like some of the others on here I too "freaked" when I saw the large mass in the toilet that was partly my baby. I too feel tremendous guilt and sadness at my spontaneous act of quickly flushing the scene away. It certainly didn't make me feel any better.
   
   It took almost two years for us to get pregnant with this baby and as bad as I want to get pregnant again I'm terrified. This pain is so immense and consuming I don't know that I could go on if it happened next time.
   
   I feel so empty and so lost and no one seems to understand. I thank you for this forum and open arena to tell how you feel and not be judged.

   Thursday, March 15, 2007 15:41:28

   Donna says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   I wanted to take a moment to write and thank you. This site has been so helpful to me. I've taken comfort in all the women's stories here, although I wish they weren't hurting so much. I am, too, and have found that I feel much less alone in my suffering. I've had one miscarriage, and don't know if I could ever live through another. I was about eight weeks along and some bleeding started. Needless to say, the bleeding didn't stop and after a trip to my doctor's and an ultrasound, I was told my baby was 'expired'. What a horrific word!
   
   I never felt any support from my doctor, the staff, or anyone, really. My husband has tried to be as supportive as he can, but he just doesn't get my mood swings, sudden outbursts of tears, and my feelings of jealousy when I see a pregnant woman.
   
   Recently, I had to go to a baby shower for a wonderful friend, and I wanted to run out the door. I felt so guilty, and still do. I want to be happy for my friend and experience her pregnancy with her...instead, I cry everytime I leave her. It's as if I can't take it.
   
   My husband wants to try for another baby, and I'm scared out of my mind. Even though it's what I want most in this whole world.
   
   I've read your book, and I keep turning to certain parts of it because I find great comfort and strength from it. I want to thank you for providing me with a book that I can use again and again whenever I am feeling crazy or depressed. You offer helpful solutions to my emotional upset, along with making me feel like I am normal for grieving over a baby I never held, but loved.
   
   I highly recommend this site and Ellen's book for any woman who has miscarried. You will find help and comfort in her book, and can use it again and again- whenever you feel the need for support, help, tips on feeling better, and most importantly, the reassurance that you have the right to grieve and feel whatever it is you're feeling.
   
   God Bless all of you. My heart truly goes out to you and your family. Please keep the faith- I'm trying to with all my heart.
   
   Sincerely,
   Donna McFarlin

   Monday, March 19, 2007 08:32:03

   Ellen says:
   

   Hello Everyone,
   
   This came in my email, and it completely blew me away. I am SO honored and have been brought to tears. I have some thinking to do regarding the name of a support group, but to you and your friends, Anita, I thank you with all my heart. WE can make a difference in the lives of women all over the world who have miscarried and feel they have nowhere to turn. I'm going to share this on my website and on my Amazon.com site. Perhaps we can light the fire of compassion and there will be more miscarriage support groups sprouting up all over the place. And, to Anita, I WILL think of a universal name for a miscarriage support group...actually, I just did:
   "I Never Held You- Miscarriage Support Group" or "INHY-Miscarriage Support Group"
   
   Dear Ellen,
   I want to thank you so much for this site and your book. I've suffered through three miscarriages, and have never felt as comforted by a book as I have yours.
   
   There are times I don't know what to do with myself. This has gone on for about two years, (the time span in which I had my miscarriages).
   
   After reading your book, and sharing it with a couple of friends who have also miscarried at least once, (strange that the three of us have all had at least one miscarriage), we decided it would be a good thing for our community to start a support group for women who'd miscarried.
   
   Actually, between my two friends and I, we'd already started one and didn't realize it until we shared the idea of reaching out to others as you have with your book and this website.
   
   One thing led to another and we posted flyers in the local library, town hall, and gave some to local OBGYN's. We set a date for our first support meeting, hoping at least one person would show up.
   
   My house is quite small, so we opted to hold it at my friend's house to accomodate however many showed up. We were all going to speak, and then use your book as a guide to bring up issues, provide topics of discussion, and open up the floor for those who needed to vent, share, etc.
   
   Well, I have to tell you, Ellen, my two friends and I were in NO way prepared for the number of women who came to this meeting! There were twenty-two guests, not including my friends and I.
   
   Imagine twenty-five women joined together in a circle of support.
   
   We talked, cried, shared, cried some more, and when the support meeting was over, we set a date for the next one being a month out.
   
   Ellen, because of your willingness to share your feelings, write your book, get the help of Dr. Backman who is wonderful, we were inspired to form our Miscarriage Support Group.
   
   I'd like to ask you a favor, and I know you must be busy. But, we'd like you to come up with a name for our group, and perhaps it will spread to other women around the country and world. Maybe they will the same and there will be one name for all of us who are sisters in miscarriage. We would greatly appreciate any ideas you have.
   
   God Bless You, Ellen. Your book not only helped me, but is now being used as a guide for our new meetings and is helping other women in pain after miscarriage. A workbook to go along with your book would be great, if you have the time to write one.
   
   Sincerely,
   Anita Coy
   Florida

   Wednesday, March 21, 2007 11:21:54

   Amy says:
   

   Hello,
   
   I am so glad to find your web site. I had a miscarraige a year and a half ago after having two healthy kids. I was devistated as was my husband. Although he had a different way of showing it. I can't help but feel guilt because I have two girls and when I found out I was pregnant I hoped and prayed for a boy. I forever feel like if I had only prayed for a healthy child verses a boy things would have turned out differently and I wouldn't have miscarried. We never got to find out if it was a boy or girl and that haunts me. I never got to see my baby or touch it beacuse when I got to the hospital and saw no heart beat I opted for a D&C. Hoping that It would make it easier to deal with. My Doctor was out of town so I had to see a different doctor. She was so nice and helpful during this difficult time. I never imagined how hard it would be to loose something that you've never held or seen. I think about my baby often and have read every book about miscarriage that I can find. I have since had another child, A boy whom I love as much as my other two girls. I still feel alot of hurt and the pain never seems to go away but I find hope and comfort in the fact that other people are going threw the same thing.

   Thursday, March 22, 2007 15:14:12

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Amy,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and please don't feel guilty about praying for a boy. That's a perfectly natural thing and has nothing to do with your miscarriage. We all try to find some sort of blame within ourselves, and it really does nothing but hurt you.
   
   I am so happy you have been blessed with three children, and I also know that doesn't mean you'll ever forget the little one you lost- before you ever held him or her.
   
   I opted for the D&C as you did- I chose one trauma over another- that's how I view it. No matter how you miscarry, it's a very real loss and leaves a stamp forever upon your heart. You loved your baby and always will. I don't think there's anyone here who will say differently.
   
   There IS great hope and comfort in the fact that others are going through the same thing and are willing to join together and share their deepest, saddest feelings. Some are despair, some regret, some guilt, all are grief.
   
   Miscarriage and its fallout are REAL, and the more we hold each other up, the more society in general will come to realize that we, the women who have suffered a miscarriage, or sadly, more than one, have lost babies and must go through a grieving process as with any other loss.
   
   I pray for God's blessings upon you and your beautiful family. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
   
   Sincerely,
   Ellen

   Friday, March 23, 2007 11:37:31

   Susan Thomas says:
   

   I'm sitting here, have read all the comments, and feel such deep sadness and numbness at the same time. I can't even believe I'm at the computer- just got home from my D&C.
   
   My baby is gone.
   
   My husband drove me home from the surgery. It took me a while to come out of recovery because I kept vomiting.
   
   He's home, and hasn't a clue how to act around me- what to say.
   
   I know he didn't feel ready for this baby, but we finally came to a point of acceptance. After that, we both loved our baby and began making plans.
   
   What am I going to do? I'm thirty-seven years old. I don't know if I can go through this again, but don't think I have too much time to wait to try and have another baby. I can't grieve and be pregnant at the same time!
   
   The women here are so strong. I hope to be as strong as you. I pray I can get through this and heal. I am comforted by your words and feel like you are the only ones on this planet who KNOW how I FEEL.
   
   I've got to go lay down. I feel like crap but had to find something...anything to help me with my miscarriage. Even the word makes me cringe.
   
   Glad to have found this site, but wish I didn't have to.
   
   I wish you all the best.

   Monday, March 26, 2007 12:27:28

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Susan,
   
   I am also glad you found MiscarriageHelp.com, and like you, wish you didn't have to. When I miscarried, I didn't have the Internet to turn to. It's amazing how many doors, even those you wish didn't have to open, have opened because of the Internet. At least we can take comfort in knowing help is a click away- even if it's simply coming to an understanding that there are others living the same pain as you are.
   
   Blessings,
   
   Ellen

   Monday, March 26, 2007 12:46:19

   Sarah Mouhsine says:
   

   hi
   I found this site whilst looking for a support group. I am 'trying' to come to terms with my third miscarraige in three years. I started to miscarry my baby only 6 days ago and have another appointment at the hospital tomorrow morning for a scan. my husband is finding this one more difficult, I can see it in his face when he looks at me... helpless to stop it ... and helpless to protect me. We have a 6 year old angel xx who is blissfully unaware of what is happening, as 6 months ago I miscarried at 15 weeks, and he found it all very upsetting, therefore we agreed not to let him know..just incase.
   
   Im feeling very lost , sad and isolated at present..with the urge to scream and cry at everyone. Another angel taken before I had time to hold, kiss and smell them. The emptiness is so painful, the loss is suffocating and sadness is very lonely.
   
   Be strong...... you can try again.....these things happen for a reason....at least you have a child..
   
   - words of support & wisdom, that tear my heart apart. Your website that i found in the middle of the night when no one is awake, has given me the chance to be honest and now that I have stopped crying (for now!)I do feel better, and as Susan Thomas said : you are the only people who know how I feel.
   
   A very tired but HUGE thankyou.

   Thursday, March 29, 2007 18:06:42

   Melissa says:
   

   I am 30 years old and I am on my second marriage. With my first husband, we tried to get pregnant, we did everything. Even fertility for over a year. My fertility specialists told me that I had a very small chance of ever conceiving. I accepted the fact that I was fine with not having children. I found other things to "fill" my life. I met my (now) husband and we found out we were pregnant two weeks before our wedding. I was 8 weeks pregnant. Three days before the wedding, I started bleeding. I went to the doctors and they said that I had a miscarriage. They did a pregnancy test there and an ultrasound and could not find a baby. My Dr sent out blood work. I cried all day and all night. I got a call the next morning from the Dr, they said that the blood work came back and I was still pregnant. We were so excited. I was instructed to be on strict rest. We got married and spent the whole weekend relaxing. Monday morning, i received the call. My blood work from Friday came back and I was no longer pregnant. I cried, but it wasn't as bad as the first time that I heard that. My husband and I talked and we discussed other options. The Dr said that if we wanted, we could start trying again. We did. This is the first month after we started trying and I have started my period. I have not slept in two days and I have been crying non stop. I am not usually and emotional person. My poor husband has no idea what to do for me. I have no idea what to do for myself. It hurts worse today than the day that I was told I lost the baby. I have never wanted something so bad before. I have the most wonderful husband and an amazing life. I want to nothing more to share my life with a child.
   I don't think that I have given up. Its only been one month. But I was not fully prepared for the disappointment. I have never felt like this before. I did not know that I wanted a child so badly.
   I see people all around me who are in situations that having a child is not the best for them, and I ask, WHY? I can give a child anything that it wants. You cannot. Why do you get what I need and want?

   Friday, March 30, 2007 08:53:55

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Sarah & Melissa,
   I am writing to you both because I read your comments at the same time, and was very touched by them both. I am touched deeply by ALL the comments here, and am so sorry for your losses.
   
   I wish there were an easy fix to the pain of miscarriage; the longing for a baby; the feelings of jealousy towards women who are pregnant or have children. I've felt it all and then some, as you have.
   
   Melissa: Getting married and having a miscarriage at the same time must have been extremely stressful. On one hand, you're celebrating life together with your new husband. On the other, you are mourning the loss of your baby. The emotional ups and downs you must be experiencing...I can't even imagine. If your heart tells you not to give up on having a baby, don't. As long as your doctor says it's okay and you feel you can handle whatever comes your way...both the good and the bad. I know it's difficult.
   
   Sarah: You've sadly been through this before, and my heart goes out to you. I know you are trying to protect your son from your emotions, and that's got to be difficult. All of us DO understand what you're going through, and care very much about your journey towards healing. Right now, it probably feels like you'll never get through this...but, you will. I won't say you'll get 'over' it, because miscarriage does leave a stamp upon our heart. You'll never forget, and will always love your little one.
   
   I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. ALL of you are in my thoughts and prayers. It's not an easy road, and we often wonder WHY we have to travel it? I wish I had the answers, but I can tell you that we are all here for each other and it DOES count for a lot. While nothing can take the pain away or turn back the hands of time, life would sure be more difficult after miscarriage if we didn't have some arms outstretched to hold us up.
   
   Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Friday, March 30, 2007 09:42:07

   Sam says:
   

   I can't say more now, without dissolving into tears, but I do want to say how thankful I am that people out there are trying to make a difference, and to try and take away the "silent" stigma that goes along with Miscarriage. I feel so let down by everyone that until this past year, and two Miscarriages later, I had NO IDEA that it was so common. I had always naively thought that getting pregnant was the hard part, and that Miscarriage was rare. I just keep thinking "Why didn't anyone tell me this could happen?" Not that it would have kept it from happening, but maybe people would be more understanding, more empathetic.

   Friday, March 30, 2007 21:13:32

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Sam,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you're in right now. Please know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. What you've said is the very reason I wrote I Never Held You and host MiscarriageHelp.com. The pain of miscarriage has been kept in a dark, scary closet for so long. While nothing can take away from your heartache, knowing we are all in this together with a thread of understanding bonding us, a degree of comfort can be found. Nobody wants to experience pain and grief alone. Nobody wants their pain and grief dismissed. If I had my wish, nobody who experiences a miscarriage would ever feel alone in her plight. I have found other authors and more miscarriage support sites. The Internet has opened doors which would have remained closed, and I'm thankful for that. Authors who have written about miscarriage are making a difference. Women like you, who are willing to share their hearts and heartache, are making a significant impact in miscarriage awareness and the need for support from families, the medical community and society in general.
   
   God Bless you Sam, and please come back to MiscarriageHelp.com whenever you need to vent. That applies to all women who feel they don't have a safe place to share their feelings. You are welcome at MiscarriageHelp.com with open arms, and open hearts.

   Saturday, March 31, 2007 10:28:08

   Kim says:
   

   I wanted to take a moment to write and thank you. This site has been so helpful to me and is helping me through this. My newleywed husband and I recently lost our professional jobs and then I found out I was already pregnant. I'm 38 years and we were elated but we were more scared about security for future than normal and I worried about health coverage. My husband has another job and started work this morning - I miscarried yesterday. I'm numb, angry, sad, lonely and scared and at the same time I'm trying real hard to be happy and encourage and support him for his first day at his new job which was today. I don't really want anyone to know what is going on but I wish someone was close by who cared - my family and friends are thousands of miles away and I don't know anyone in this city. My husband is concerned and sad but I don't think it's having the same impact on him as it is me. I'm still passing tissue, it hurts, and I'm trying to avoid going to the doctor because we still don't have insurance. I'm sure everything will be okay and perhaps we'll try again but I'm so sad and I miss the baby. I feel guilty that it was caused by something that I did. I'm glad for this site. Typing this helps a little. I feel for anyone else out there who is going through this and my thoughts are with them.

   Monday, April 02, 2007 12:37:27

   Felice says:
   

   Thank you for this site. I think I am still in shock. Last Friday, March 31st, we went to the doctor and found out that at 19 weeks, our baby had no heartbeat and had just passed away in the previous 48 hours. I was induced and two days ago, I delivered our dead baby. We both were able to hold our son, take pictures, and gather momentos. The next day, the priest came and blessed our son and we said good-bye and how much he would always be loved and missed.
   
   Today is my first full day at home and I have never experienced this kind of heartache and pain. This baby was our 4th round of IVF. At 42, we will not try again.
   We have a beautiful 2 year old from the 2nd round of IVF. People are saying that we should just remember that we have our son and that he was a miracle in itself. I know that is true, but today it does not lessen the pain I feel over losing this baby.
   
   The grief wells out of nowhere when I least expect it. My arms and heart ache for my little buddy who is no longer with me. I just want my baby so badly. This pain is very isolating. This site has offered great comfort in my grief today and I thank all of you for sharing. Please know that you helped me today.

   Tuesday, April 03, 2007 02:44:20

   Felice says:
   

   Thank you for this site. I think I am still in shock. Last Friday, March 31st, we went to the doctor and found out that at 19 weeks, our baby had no heartbeat and had just passed away in the previous 48 hours. I was induced and two days ago, I delivered our dead baby. We both were able to hold our son, take pictures, and gather momentos. The next day, the priest came and blessed our son and we said good-bye and how much he would always be loved and missed.
   
   Today is my first full day at home and I have never experienced this kind of heartache and pain. This baby was our 4th round of IVF. At 42, we will not try again.
   We have a beautiful 2 year old from the 2nd round of IVF. People are saying that we should just remember that we have our son and that he was a miracle in itself. I know that is true, but today it does not lessen the pain I feel over losing this baby.
   
   The grief wells out of nowhere when I least expect it. My arms and heart ache for my little buddy who is no longer with me. I just want my baby so badly. This pain is very isolating. This site has offered great comfort in my grief today and I thank all of you for sharing. Please know that you helped me today.

   Tuesday, April 03, 2007 02:47:14

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Kim,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and for how alone you feel. It must be so difficult for you right now. One thing, though...this was not your fault. If you need to repeat that in your mind often, please do it. I know without insurance a doctor's office can be even more 'scary'- but, please go and get checked. I remember I needed a shot because it wasn't until after I miscarried that I found out I was RH Negative and had to have a shot. I don't what state you live in, but I know many times people do qualify for free care depending upon income, etc. Believe me, I'm no expert, but can say you and your health are worth more than any amount of money. There will be a way.
   
   You are in my thoughts and prayers, Kim. Please take care of yourself, and you are not alone. Thoughts are energy, and I am certainly sending mine your way.
   
   Give yourself time to heal, and again, please don't blame yourself for your miscarriage.
   
   Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Tuesday, April 03, 2007 08:38:35

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Felice,
   I can see why you are in shock, and am so sorry for your loss. The trauma of delivering a baby you know has passed on to the other side must be...just so immense.
   
   You've walked a long road to pregnancy in that you've gone through IVF, etc. and to have it end this way makes my eyes water- as they do for every woman here.
   
   I do thank God you have a wonderful, beautiful two-year-old, but, I also know it does not take away the pain of losing your precious baby. My mother lost my brother when she was seven months pregnant with me. It certainly did not make the pain of loss any less for either of my parents, just as with you.
   
   You are a brave, beautiful person. You held your little one and I don't even know if I could.
   
   A friend once said to me, "Ellen, you will ALWAYS be your baby's mother. Nobody can take that away from you."
   
   You know, she was right. It took years for me to realize that although I never held my little one, or watch him grow up, etc., he was connected to me and I to him, forever. The same applies to you, and to all women here who have lost their babies to miscarriage, stillbirth, etc. I'm not trying to force my beliefs on you or anybody else. It's just something I feel and am sharing.
   
   You are in my thoughts and prayers. I ask the angels to surround all who have shared their hearts on this site and provide much needed comfort.
   
   The road to healing and recovery after a miscarriage is not an easy one- as with any loss. By joining together and sharing our hearts, pain, feelings, we connect and can gather strength from the fact that together we stand a little stronger.
   
   Blessing to you, Felice, and to all. I wish you peace, healing, and recovery- one day at a time. One moment at a time.
   
   Come back whenever you need to vent. All are always welcomed here with open arms, extended hands, and hearts that truly empathize.
   
   Sincerely,
   Ellen

   Tuesday, April 03, 2007 08:51:42

   Victoria says:
   

   Hello everyone here.
   
   I went for a scan on the 29th January 2007 due to some staining and was told my baby had died. A silent miscarriage. I was 14+2 weeks. I lost my baby on the 31st January 2007 while waiting in hospital for a D&C (which I had to have on the 1st February due to extremely heavy bleeding) and it was a huge shock. I felt so sorry for the woman who had scaned me. She was heavily pregnant (34 weeks-I asked) and she had to tell me that there wasn't a heartbeat (which I noticed myself) and that the baby was only measuring 11 weeks, there was no movement. I had a scan at my GP at 10 weeks and the baby was bouncing around and heart thumping away. This would have been my fourth baby but fifth pregnancy. I suffered a previous miscariage at 6 weeks between my second and third child but the devastation was nothing like I felt after this. It felt like my insides had been pulled out through my heart. Thinking about it hurts so badly and talking about it doesn't help...yet not talking about it makes it worse. We had a funeral for the baby because I couldn't leave it to strangers to decide it's fate. That helped a lot and seemed fitting. The question I found myself asking was, what am I grieving for? The death of my baby or the death of all my dreams and hopes for the baby? It sound weird and even now I can't answer it.
   
   My husband and I decided we would leave it to chance on whether I fall pregnant again or not. We are doing nothing to stop a pregnancy but not actively trying either. I found myself hoping and dreading the thought of a pregnancy and actually panicked today when I thought I might have been pregnant. I did a test (AF was due today/tomorrow) but it came back negative upon which I was so upset it was stupid. I guess I am still a little mixed up. I am so afraid it will happen again.
   
   Some days it feels like a cruel joke or a kick in the teeth that this has happened to me. I am 26, I have three beautiful children and have had no problems in conceiving the first two. My third we tried for three months, had my first miscarriage and then fell pregnant straight away. It's like my body is showing me gifts and taking them away before I get to open them. I feel like I have let myself and my children down, a failure in pregnancy. I would just like to know what I did so wrong that I could lose two babies after managing to have three amazing children. I guess I will never know. People telling you that it's not your fault, and deep down I know there was nothing that could have stopped either miscarriage, I still feel guilty I still feel it was partly my fault. I feel guilty for being relieved that I had stopped being sick when all the time it was because my baby had died. It was my responsibilty to carry that baby, to nurture it and let it grow and then deliver it safely into a world where it would have been loved. A responibilty that it appears I wasn't fit for. I am hoping that should I be blessed with falling pregnant again I will carry the baby to term and I will thank God for every pregnancy symptom I get.
   
   Take care everyone.
   
   Victoria

   Thursday, April 05, 2007 17:36:18

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Victoria,
   I am so sorry for your loss, (both of them), and truly feel for you as do all the women here.
   
   I hope and pray you are able to stop finding blame within yourself. Those words may sound easy for me to say, but I do understand why you're doing it. I did the same thing.
   
   It was only after a period of time that I realized it was not my fault. There was nothing I did to cause my miscarriage, and there was nothing you did to cause yours.
   
   When you stopped feeling sick and were relieved, all I can think of is of course you were! When you're feeling ill all the time while pregnant and it finally subsides, it's a true relief. You didn't know it was because your baby had passed on. You had no idea at all.
   
   Guilt is one of those feelings that eats you up inside. I allowed it to, and suffered for it. My anxiety heightened, and my healing process was slowed greatly because of it. All of the what-ifs in the world couldn't bring my baby back, and it took a great deal of reflection to come to the point where I realized my miscarriage was never in my hands...it was in a Power much greater than myself.
   
   I'm not advocating that you blame God or whatever you choose to call the "Source" or "Creator". I am saying life throws us some pretty tough breaks, and for as much as we want to believe we control everything, we really don't. All we can do is our best.
   
   I know you're grieving, and in your grief, you find blame. You search for it because you need answers, or think you do. Believe me, I was in the same boat.
   
   My greatest wish for you is for you to begin healing and to let go of the notion that you are not 'fit' to carry a baby to term or in some way responsible for your miscarriage. I hate to see you torture yourself that way.
   
   Blessings to you and your beautiful family. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Sincerely,
   Ellen

   Friday, April 06, 2007 08:36:41

   RAQ says:
   

   My first posting was after my miscarriage on February 6 and have I been to hell and trying to find my way back ever since. After trying so long and suffering that devastating loss, I was visiting my doctor weekly to be sure that my hormone levels were decreasing. On Friday, March 2 they were down to 100 from 2358 and the doctor wanted 1 more blood test on 3/9 to make sure it was back under 5 where it belonged. I was still grieving for the loss and somewhere inside was feeling that when I don't have to go to that damn doctors office anymore and be reminded again and again of what happened, then I can really start to heal myself inside. Then came Monday, 3/5. I sent my 10 year old off to school and started house cleaning. At exactly 10:38 am I had the most excruciating pain I have ever had on the right lower side of my body. This pain when on for an hour unrelenting until I threw up. After that the pain was still there but relented somewhat, however, I was still in pain and everytime I stood up, the room would spin, I would see dots and fall the the floor. I fell into the bathtub and crawled to the bed. My husband says I sent him half a text and my sister says I tried to call her, but I do not remember anything and when I woke up, it was after 3pm. I tried standing again and fell again. I called 911 and though I could hear and understand what she was saying, I did not have the energy to answer. I had to unlock the front door for the EMTs and had to crawl because I was falling. My heart beat was 130, my blood pressure 50/30. To make a long story short, I had a series of scans and xrays and they found that the pain I was experiencing was internal bleeding, but they could not figure out where the blood was coming from. I had to have immediate exploratory surgery. After the surgery, we were told that I had lost 3 and 1/2 liters of the 6 liters of blood we have in our body. I needed 4 blood transfusions. My heart would not stop beating so fast so I needed Magnesium to slow it back to normal. All of my organs and insides had to be washed and inspected. Turns out there was a second pregnancy - a twin - growing in my falopian tube and when it got too big, my tube burst. I almost died, spent a week in the hospital and am still recovering. As if that were not enough, the staples near my belly button got infected and I still have a large open wound in the center of my body that I cannot look at and my husband has to tend to every morning and evening. Cleaning it and packing it with Alginate and covering it with bandages. I have to visit a wound care center which is more like a torture center because they have to dig and poke around inside of it. Is this some sort of cruel joke? I am going to wake up anytime soon? Am I being punished for something? What the hell is going on???? I had a dream last week of a baby girl. Big brown eyes and short brown hair parted to the side. A spitting image of my husband. I remember walking her thru a supermarket and everyone asking how old she was because she was walking and I answered 2 months. Silly I know, but I had such a clear and vivid sight of that baby. Everytime I close my eyes, I see that beautiful girl. My body is on the road to healing, but my mind and soul are whirling. I have cried and been sad and had my moments of grief, but I can feel inside that I have not had the chance to absorb or comprehend what has happened. I feel lucky that I was saved, but always wondering what will happen next. I overly worry for the welfare of not only me, but my husband and daughter. I definately know that I have not come to terms yet with what has happened and am in a reactionary mode. Going thru the motions of every day without a freakin clue as to how to feel or what to do. Afraid to close my eyes at night and afraid not to. 2 babies - twins - and why have I not dreamed of the other? God, this is all too much for me. Why? I thank the Lord for sparing my life and saving me for my husband and especially my daughter. But, I am so sad, so confused, so mean sometimes, so fed up with everything already. Please make this nightmare stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   Monday, April 09, 2007 23:17:28

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear RAQ,
   I hope I can find the right words. I am so sorry for everything you've been through including the loss of another baby. I cannnot even imagine the mental and physical anguish you're living. I pray for you; to be comforted, healed on all levels; and surrounded by the loving touch of angels.
   
   I also thank God for sparing your life.
   
   How do you awaken from this nightmare? I don't know. I know you must open your eyes after sleeping a bit and wish it were all a nightmare- not real. I know you must then realize what's happened actually did, and you want somebody, anybody, to pinch and you say you're only dreaming- everything's okay. So sadly, that's not the case.
   
   You have these days now to take one at a time. Moments to focus on your healing. It must be so difficult because you're grief has begun yet again, and your physical self must hurt so much your mind is taken over by all of the pain.
   
   It seems a cruel joke, I know. In my heart I know it's not a joke to God at all, but I also know you're wondering when this dark road you've been on is going to be light again.
   
   You are in my thoughts and prayers. I can only offer you that and the hope of there being a brighter day coming to you. Please cling to that; the love you have for your husband and daughter; and the love and caring others have for you. I wish I were there to listen to you. To hear whatever you have to say and then just give you a gentle hug.
   
   When you are physically healed, you may want to talk to someone professional to help you through your journey towards emotional and spiritual healing. Perhaps, you won't need that kind of help but if you do, there's no shame in it. None at all.
   
   I know you can't see it now and I understand why, but you will be you again. Yes, a changed you because experiences like the one you've lived through change us. We can't help it. Although the same person, we are a in constant state of flux and change. You won't forget this baby or terrible experience, nor your first baby and miscarriage.
   
   I ask all who read this to say a pray for RAQ if you are so inclined. I believe in the power of prayer and in that power being magnified and multiplied by the number of people involved. RAQ needs all the positive energy she can get and it doesn't matter whether she knows you or not; sees you or not; hears you or not. Prayer is an energy that derives its power from the ultimate Source. No matter what your beliefs, please reach out to that Source and ask for emotional, physical and spiritual healing for RAQ.
   
   If you feel a gentle touch across your face which gives you a feeling of knowing and comfort, perhaps it is an angel letting you know they are there with you during this time and at all times.
   
   Blessings to you. I won't stop sending you healing light and praying for you. Each day, each moment, you are healing even if you don't feel it. Please come back when you're able and let us know how you're doing.
   
   With Love, Sympathy and Blessings,
   Ellen

   Tuesday, April 10, 2007 05:54:26

   Marie says:
   

   First of all I just want to say, what an incredible site this is. This is just what I needed tonight. I feel so alone though I'm not. I have a beautiful healthy three year daughter and a great husband, but it still doesn't help the pain I'm feeling tonight.
   
   I had a miscarriage in March 2006, which was a complete shock to me. I was devestated. No one understood and all their comments were like knives stabbing my heart. I'm only 24 and relatively healthy, so I figured it was just a one time thing.
   
   We continued to try and over a year later found out I was pregnant (today actually) The bleeding started later this afternoon. It's not bad yet, but I know the worst is to come.
   
   I'm dumbfounded. I don't know what to think. The pain of a miscarriage is almost too much for me to want to continue trying to have another baby. I feel like I've failed in some way. I know that if its meant to be it will happen, but that's so hard to accept when you want it so badly. I feel so low right now. I find myself trying to distance my mind from this and think that I've just gotten my period. It's too hard for me to accept that I'm losing another baby. I think I adopt almost a cynical attitude when this happens. I'm angry, hurt, and confused. On top of that I'm wondering now if maybe something is wrong with me. I deeply sympathize with everyone out there who has experienced this and it gives me some relief to know that I'm not alone at all.
   
   But with God, each other, and the strengh and support of our families, we will get through this. Thank you for allowing me to share.

   Saturday, April 14, 2007 00:42:37

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Marie,
   I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You've been down the painful path of miscarriage twice, and I know it's hard to find the strength to simple get throught the moments, never mind the day.
   
   Even amidst your pain, you offer sympathy to those who have suffered the same. Bless you for doing so.
   
   I am thankful you have a wonderful husband and three-year-old. I know you are, too. Yet, the pain of miscarriage is almost like a separate entity. As with any loss, you take comfort in your family and friends, but the grief doesn't go away.
   
   Only your doctor can say if there's something causing your miscarriages, but I do understand the fear of trying again. Living through yet another seems an impossible thing. Right now, I think you have to absorb what's happened and heal. The road to healing is often full of ups and downs, which I'm sure you know. Believe with your heart that you'll be in my thoughts and prayers as you take each step towards your healing and recovery after this miscarriage.
   
   There's nothing you did to cause this, and it's not your fault. I know in your heart you probably realize this, yet for some reason we all seem to wonder if it's us. We ask ourselves if there's something we could have possibly done to cause our miscarriage, and that adds greatly to our pain. I pray that you come to the knowing that there's nothing you did to cause your miscarriage, and you'll have one less obstacle on your path to healing.
   
   As you know, there's no forgetting the pain of miscarriage or the precious baby you never got to hold. I'd never suggest to anybody to forget their miscarriage. So, when I say healing, I mean just that. It's like any loss. As you heal, you begin to function better and feel more like 'you'- but you certainly don't forget.
   
   I am thankful to God you found some comfort in this site. I believe we all need a safe place to vent, share, whatever...among those who understand with everything they are, the pain you are living. I do, we all do, and our support for each other is not to be discounted. The power in numbers is great, and collectively, my heart, everyone's heart, goes out to you and to each other.
   
   Please take care of yourself during this time, and at all times. I hope your doctor can help you determine whether it's safe to try again. I have heard stories of women who had four, even five miscarriages in between children. Personally, I don't know how they withstood it, but give them so much admiration for their strength. It must have been so difficult.
   
   I, and everyone here, are with you in thought. Please hang on and allow yourself one day at a time to heal. There's no time limit on grief. Sadly, you must go through whatever it is you're feeling. As long as you allow yourself to feel, you are letting painful emotions out so they can't fester in your body.
   
   And, yes, new emotions will come and sometimes the cycle may seem endless.
   
   But, it's not. Just give yourself the time you need and allow yourself to feel. Again, I am SO sorry for your loss and you're welcome here with open arms and hearts any time you want to release your emotions.
   
   Blessings, Healing and Light to you,
   Ellen

   Saturday, April 14, 2007 06:47:59

   Lyndsey says:
   

   I lost my baby last Thursday. I was 5 weeks along with our first child when I started spotting. I asked other mothers if this was OK and they said that was common, as long as it wasn't like a normal period. I went to school the next day(I'm a teacher) and it was heavier. I called my doctor and they sent me to the ER for tests. I was so scared. They checked my blood,did ultrasounds, and sent me home telling me it looled like my cervix was bleeding which was common. The ER doctor said nothing gave them cause to worry, but she'd like me to see my doctor to recheck my hormone levels because they were extremely low levels. I went home feeling somewhat confident that Grant would be fine. (We felt he was a boy and called him by name a lot.) My mom took me to my doctor the next day because my husband had missed work the previous day. I really didn't think he'd need to be there. The nurse asked for my urine sample and then I knew. There were huge blood clots and tissue in my urine. My doctor came in and confirmed my miscarriage with an exam. I had to sit alone in the room knowing I had lost my baby and then go have my blood drawn once again. I thought what's the point? I had to go into the waiting room to see all the babies and pregnant women. When I got home I had horrible cramps and it made me sick to think that was my body getting rid of my baby. Everytime I would go to the bathroom, it makes me feel like I'm inhuman flushing my baby down the toilet. I am really having a hard time dealing with this-esp. since it's our first baby. I hate it when people say you can have another one. This was a child. If your child dies at age 5 no one tells you you can just have another one. I wish there were more ways to get help. It seems like so many people have experienced a miscarriage, but there's really no help for us. I appreciate sites like your's where you can talk to people who understand you. I hope I can have another baby, but it still won't replace Grant. We love you buddy!

   Saturday, April 14, 2007 22:16:53

   Angela says:
   

   Hi - I have had 2 miscarriages, one 10 years ago this summer and the other 8 years ago. I went through tremendous depression after the first (made worse by the fact that my husband at the time didn't want the baby) and subsequently contemplated suicide. Our marriage later broke up and I was lucky to find love with a great man who has made great attempts to understand my pain and help me through it. Unfortunately we also lost a child after 12 weeks within the first year of our relationship. While I have struggled to manage the depression (without recourse to drugs) and got it to a manageable level (with recurrances mostly restricted to anniversaries), I have suffered quite a severe setback with the birth last year of a niece. My parents don't understand why I can't embrace her and be a loving aunt and this is causing problems in our family relationships. I am trying to make my own relationship with my niece, and improve that with my brother, but am being made to feel that it is my problem to deal with and for me to come to terms with, ie I am in the wrong and acting selfishly. Reading the comments of the other women on your site has made me feel I'm not alone and I would like them to know that it does get better over time and with love, support and inner belief you can get your life back on track. While it never goes away, you can feel joy and happiness even over small things. My partner and I have made the decision not to try again as I fear how I would deal with another miscarriage. I have also realised that what is difficult to deal with does make you stronger, its a cliche but in my case I believe it to be true. Friends I have made since are surprised when I tell them my history and have said they would never have guessed this had happened to me, so I am getting something right. I am determined to get through this new situation with my family but it has reopened memories in my mind I would rather not revisit, and my partner and I have talked endlessly about it and I am worrying about being obsessive about it again. My mother (who I have a difficult relationship with) has suggested I go for counselling but I am fearful of opening a pandora's box and being able to deal with the consequences. At the time of my first miscarriage, I was made to feel that I should get over it as worse things happen, and like one of the other ladies, my sister-in-law gave birth in the same month as my baby was due. I am sure I suppressed my grief at the time which is why it recurs (and has recurred with the birth of my niece). I guess what I'm looking for is your guidance on whether you think I should be brave and try counselling (which does scare me) or carry on building a relationship slowly with my family while trying to make them understand my perspective. Thanks for reading this and my heart goes out to everyone who has suffered the pain of such a loss.

   Sunday, April 15, 2007 18:00:50

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Angela,
   Thank you for sharing your heart, and I am so sorry for the losses you've endured.
   
   I can relate to you on many levels. It's been about sixteen years since my miscarriage, and my ex-husband truly didn't understand my pain.
   
   I found love again, but a relationship and the resurfacing of your miscarriage pain aren't really connected, as least that's how I see it. I am glad, however, your partner is willing to listen to you- talk to you.
   
   I once heard of read somewhere this statement: It is more difficult to seek help than it is to remain where you are. Change is scary. Reopening painful memories is scary. But, what's worse? That's how I looked at life and myself when I, at one point, went to counseling.
   
   It wasn't even due to my miscarriage. After my husband at the time, decided to leave, 'we' went to a counselor. Well, that turned to be a one time event because he'd already made up his mind and went to pacify me, more or less. I, on the other hand, had many issues to deal with after our split and my anxiety level was so high I found myself going to counseling alone.
   
   It was a very good thing for me. I didn't like to talk about that which hurt, yet I found tremendous comfort and help in sharing my deepest feelings with somebody who didn't know me and was completely unbiased.
   
   When my sister had her first child, (my beautiful five-year-old niece), I experienced so many conflicting emotions and felt extremely guilty because of it. My mind kept going back to my miscarriage and all the "why not me's" in the world. I still hurt so much over the loss of my baby and not having one. When I helped plan and went to my sister's baby shower, I found myself happy and sad at the same time. I needed to 'step out' for a moment several times to avoid bursting into tears at what should have been such a joyful event.
   
   I knew I hadn't resolved my feelings about my miscarriage. It was clear every time I saw a mother and child; walked down the baby isle in a supermarket and wanted to cry; saw a pregnant woman; went to my OBGYN and read the letters posted all over the wall from women who had successful pregnancies and were thanking my doctor.
   
   I think you get the picture.
   
   You are very right in that it does get easier over time. You don't forget your miscarriage, rather, you accept it as a painful part of your life and live your life with your miscarriage being a part of who you are today.
   
   Right now you're dealing with something I've been exposed to three times within my family. I bonded immediately with my niece, my great-nephew a year later, then my nephew the following year.
   
   With each birth, I was full of happiness and joy, loved the babies so very much, and also felt a pit in my stomach because I ached so much for a baby of my own. With each birth my feelings of elation over the miracle of life itself were tainted with the memory of my loss.
   
   I have certainly walked your path and feel very deeply for you.
   
   I found a way to allow the joy of a baby enter my heart and it enabled me to embrace my nieces and nephews with open arms. You are not a bad person if you're having a tough time with this. You are human and there's a lot of pain still stuck inside which is preventing you from being able to bond with your new niece. There's no shame in that. You just need a bit of help so you can deal with your feelings which are probably suppressed.
   
   As I'm not a doctor, these words are coming from my heart and really aren't a professional opinion. They are simply my opinion- a woman who has felt so many times much like you do.
   
   I am a believer in this: Tears make room for something better to enter your life. If seeking help to get you over the hurdle of your miscarriage and every emotion tied to it makes you cry, (which I'd guess it would), your tears are there for a reason. It sounds to me like they need to come out and when they do, you may find yourself beginning to heal rather than suppressing your grief.
   
   I know even thinking about it is frightening...but please do yourself a favor and think about it. Just toss it around in your mind a bit. If you decide to get counseling, it will be YOUR decision and nobody else's. Family and friends may be trying to help you, but making you feel selfish doesn't help at all. I know their intentions may be good, but what you're going through isn't selfish in any way. It's very, very difficult and others just don't 'get it'.
   
   I found writing about my miscarriage to be an emotional 'purging' of sorts and it helped me deal with the pain of my own miscarriage. Now, since the beginning of this site, I've found so many women have a need to purge their own selves of deep, painful emotions through the written word knowing there are others reading them who understand what they're going through. (continued in next comment)...

   Monday, April 16, 2007 08:06:28

   Ellen says:
   

   Angela, please don't beat yourself up for being a caring, wonderful woman who has some very painful feelings still living within her. You will never forget your miscarriages. You will never reflect upon them as a happy time. Of course not! When you lost your babies, you needed to grieve. I believe you did, and I also suspect you went on with your life and are doing a great job while much of your pain still lies within. The right trigger, like the birth of your niece, is all it takes to make your pain resurface.
   
   Like I said, I have been there many times.
   
   It's not up to you to have to show your family your perspective. They may never get it. It is up to you to decide whether you're okay with the way things are now, or if you'd like a change within yourself. You can help yourself through counseling, meditation, positive affirmations, faith, and so on. You don't necessarily need to go to a counselor to help you deal with your emotions. I've found GREAT comfort in guided meditations and in listening, for example, to Dr. Wayne Dyer, who talks of how we hold the key to changing our lives by changing the way we think.
   
   I'm merely suggesting these things to you as they have, and still do, work for me.
   
   I wish you much love, blessings, and light. You will find your way through this and come to a place in your life when your pain doesn't get in the way of something beautiful. Hold on to that, and thank you again for sharing your heart with all of us.
   
   Ellen

   Monday, April 16, 2007 08:07:15

   Suzan says:
   

   I just lost my baby 2 days ago. I am still in the "process of elimination", as the doctors so kindly put it. My baby was 9 weeks & 2 days. I started bleeding Saturday, went to the E.R., & they did an ultrasound, which showed no fetal heartbeat. I am in agony emotionally. My husband has been wonderful, & all the thoughts & prayers from friends has been a blessing, but it still rips me apart inside.
   I have a beautiful 6-year-old son who was born at 6 months, at 2 lbs. & 1/2 an ounce. He is my Saving Grace! I have to keep going for him. I still grieve horribly, though, for his little brother, who I will never see or hold. Every April 14th will be absolute misery & agony for me now.
   Finding this site & reading the comments of others today has been a great blessing for me. Right now, I feel like I'm all alone, & it helps immeasurably to know I'm not the only one.

   Monday, April 16, 2007 13:26:20

   Connie says:
   

   Thank God for this site.
   Right now, I am PRAYING for all Mothers & Families who have experienced this pain.
   
   For Ellen: You Are GREAT, and God is pleased with your loving heart towards His people. Lifelong Blessings for You and Yours.
   
   On Sat. April 7, 2007 my life hit the lowest point. I m/c at 12 weeks. I had an u/s(abdominal)&(transvaginal) 4 days earlier and the techs could not detact a heartbeat. I still had faith that the baby was alive and well. The techs saw an empty sac that measured 7-8 weeks. I was assured nothing was to be worried about. I was rescheduled for another u/s 1 week later. My doctor took more blood work the following day to make sure my HCG levels were elavated properly. My levels had dropped. I was given in pill format Methergine to take for uterus contrations to help with the passage of My Beloved. I remained at home from work last week crying myself to sleep or looking at the walls. I have a 12 year old son, he understands what has happened and is very hurt. This baby was my Husband and I dream team baby. My Husband is just torn apart. However, he still finds the courage and strength to hold me up. I'm weak with grief right now. Thinking about my child and my recently deceased Daddy. My comfort is thinking about how my Daddy is holding my child in Heaven. This mental picture gives me a little warm smile deep down inside of me. When I can't find the strength to smile. I'm not sure how soon we wll try again or if we will. However, I'm now open for adoption options.
   
   Lifelong Blessings To All.

   Monday, April 16, 2007 13:56:07

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Suzan and Connie,
   
   I'm writing to you both because I got your comments at the same time. I am SO sorry for your losses and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Your miscarriage is still so new, and you're deep in grief. Please allow yourself that. It sounds like you both have people around you who are supportive and I am grateful for that.
   
   Being here with other women who have lived the same does indeed, make you feel less alone. I know it doesn't take away the pain, but in some way the connection we form- our bond if you will- provides ALL of us with a level of comfort. At least we know in our hearts we are not alone in our feelings, our pain. This knowing creates something inside and gives us strength, if only a little.
   
   The Internet has opened doors; allowing us to express to those who KNOW what we may have kept pent up inside. It's so important to let your feelings out.
   
   If your faith is strong, it certainly helps a great deal. Connie, your image of your Daddy holding your little one brought tears to my eyes and I understand the comfort you take in this. To me, it's a reality and your father is with your little one. (I am also sorry for the loss of your Dad).
   
   Suzan, I realize your twelve-year old knows what you are going through and hates seeing you in pain. I thank God you have a loving family, as does Connie, surrounding you.
   
   The women here at MiscarriageHelp.com have become an extended family of sorts. Our connection to each other is magnified by our experience, sadly that of miscarriage. Yet, out of our sadness a unity and a trust is formed. We know our sisters are praying for us, and we for them. We have walked the painful walk, and can now hold hands as we take steps down the path to healing. It doesn't matter if they're small steps. We take them together.
   
   You will be in my heart and prayers.
   Blessings to you and yours,
   Ellen

   Tuesday, April 17, 2007 04:51:15

   RAQ says:
   

   To Ellen: Hello and thank you once again for your comforting words and your call for prayer. I seem to be a bit stuck right now. There is so much going on that I cannot focus my mind on any one thing long enough to deal with it all. I cry for the children I have lost, only to cry for the physical pain that I feel, only to cry in thankfulness for the saving of my life, only to cry for all of the what ifs....My emotions are scattered all over the map and occasionally when they meet in the middle, it is very overwhelming. My emotions can spin on a dime from gratefulness, to anger, to sadness, to disbelief. You name it and it is at the surface ready to jump right out. I cannot put one thing on hold to tend to the other and all of them together is truly getting to be too much. I am tired and impatient, weak and sad, all at the same time. I want to be strong and loving, happy and thankful. I know those emotions are inside, but I feel overpowered by all that has happened. I know brighter days are ahead but it is too cloudy right now to see the sun. I have an appointment in the morning for a post-op check with my OBGYN. I am going to ask him for referrals so I can talk this all out with a professional. You would think that after surviving something that could have killed me, I would be happy and thankful. Yet, at the same time I am sad and angry. You would think that I would be a loving and kind mother and wife. Yet, at the same time I feel myself being very quick to anger and impatient. You would think that I could find solice in the fact that although I wish the two children I have lost were with me, they are with a loving God. Yet, at the same time I feel empty and have such a longing, it feels like I am being slowly and painfully torn to pieces inside. Before February 6, I felt invinsible. I was carefree and happy and on top of the world. Now I feel like I've been kicked to the ground with the wind knocked out of me. I know that I am going to be okay, but I can't find the strength to get back up on my own. People are trying to come and help me get back up, but I am lashing out and pushing them away. I am doubled over in pain and sadness trying to catch my breath and I can't find the strength to stand again. I really do need to talk to someone so that I can find the strength to stand under my own power and have those around me to lean on for support. They are there for me when I need them and I appreciate that so very much. What I don't want to find is that one day I find the strength to stand and I am standing alone. I love and need those that are most dear in my life but I need the healing to begin with me. Thank you again.

   Friday, April 20, 2007 00:09:35

   Dulcy says:
   

   Thank you all for your stories. I mniscarried my second baby over 2 years ago, and I'm still having periods of time when I don't think I will ever stop crying. This started again for me yesterday, so I went searching for some help on the Internet, and found this site. As I continued to read, I felt that finally someone knows what I'm feeling. Then I realzed that tomorrow is the due date for my second lost one. I know that no one else will remember, and I can't bring it up because I feel like people don't want to hear about it anymore. At least I can share with you all, and know that you understand. Thanks so much.

   Friday, April 20, 2007 01:07:36

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear RAQ,
   I'm sorry for what you're going through, and I know what's like to have a hard time focusing because your mind is on overload. You DO have so many emotions running rampant, and some stable ground would be appreciated by you- mind, body and spirit.
   
   I support you 100% in your asking your OBGYN for a referral. It sounds like you need somebody to talk to who can help guide you through all of your emotions fighting against each other. (Which, I think is perfectly normal given what you're living...I was the SAME way).
   
   Because you're dealing with so much grief, pain, longing, ache, angst...of course you are going to be a bit snappy. Please don't beat yourself up for that. You have suffered a loss, are grieving, and there is no room for guilt in this picture. You can only do the best you can...and it sounds to me like you are trying with everything you've got. However, if you feel anything like I did, (and still do in certain circumstances), you KNOW there's a better day coming, and your faith keeps that thought alive, yet you find yourself feeling like you're treading water and need somebody to throw you a lifejacket.
   
   Your lifejacket IS there, and with some help, you'll be able to sift through the rubble and find it.
   
   Those who love you, RAQ, LOVE you because you're you. They understand you are in pain, and if at times you push them away I am sure they know why. Yes, it probably hurts them...moreso because they realize you feel so alone right now and they cannot break through the barrier of pain which is surrounding you. It's like a heavy cloak you want OFF.
   
   Time...God...Help...Faith...Your Beautiful Strength...WILL get you through this, these darkest of days. Cling to that with all you are, RAQ. I believe in you, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   "How do you eat an elephant?" My dear friend's husband used to say. "One bite at a time."
   
   With Loving Thoughts, Care, and HOPE,
   Ellen

   Friday, April 20, 2007 10:29:04

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Dulcy,
   I am glad you found us, and am so sorry for what you're going through. Much like you, I lost my baby Alex nearly sixteen-years ago this week. You know what? I still cry over it. Please know that you're not expected to ever forget, and even if you feel you've healed, it does not mean you won't have times when you'll cry and feel the longing for your precious child who is in heaven.
   
   Yes, we understand you, and care very much about what you're living. Through the words of those on this site, we come to an understanding that we are truly one- connected by a thread of pain we wish didn't have to be, but is. We are also connected by a thread of love and hope- and I thank God it's there for us to grab on to.
   
   As you remember your baby, don't place any expectations upon yourself. And, if there's somebody close to you, please don't be afraid to express your feelings. It helps SO much to let them out. That's why this site is here; and that's why God made friends.
   
   Blessings to you, and remember we are always here.
   
   Ellen

   Friday, April 20, 2007 10:32:29

   Suzan says:
   

   OK, tomorrow will be a week since I lost my son, Daniel. I am still having a hard time with it, as are my husband & 6-year-old son. We're all pulling together...my husband tells me he's here for me forever, no matter what, & my son rubs my belly & says, "Bye bye, baby. I love you." They both pat me on the back & let me cry when I need to.
   I have taken a few steps to remember Daniel. His loss date will be remembered every year, as, although his life was brief, I feel it should be remembered. He was a son, a brother, a nephew, so there is no reason to act like he didn't exist.
   My husband bought me a Footprints ring. It has "It was then that I carried you..." inscribed inside, & will have "Daniel, 2007" on top. I also got 2 new charms for my Italian charm bracelet which will have his name.
   I've learned that this is the new "normal" for us. Our minds always carry back to the son we'll never see. Every day @ 3 p.m., I have the onset of a breakdown.
   My son, TJ, has become so much more precious to me since this happened. He is my world, & is the reason I get up in the mornings now.
   It's all about one day at a time right now. I also understand that the pain will always be there. I do not want to forget Daniel.

   Friday, April 20, 2007 19:32:42

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Suzan,
   I am so sorry for your loss...Daniel is so clearly loved and missed.
   
   I am thankful your family is so supportive, and your precious six-year-old is right there for you, too.
   
   You're right about the new "normal". Life changes after miscarriage; after any loss. I think many who haven't lived through the loss of miscarriage don't quite understand just how deep the sense of loss and grief are after miscarriage.
   
   It's only been a week, and the breakdown you mention- oh, how I remember those happening to me. As I stand upon the anniversary of losing my son sixteen-years ago, I can't help but think of him and yes, cry. The tears are less now, but he will remain in my heart forever.
   
   You are remembering your son in beautiful ways: your footprints ring, your charm bracelet, all are ways to honor the memory and love for Daniel.
   
   It wasn't until I met someone online who makes memorial jewelry that I finally had something I could hold and wear in memory of my son. When my book launched, I sent her one and she made me a necklace with baby footprints on it and "Always in My Heart" on the back. I treasure it and wear it always. Her name is Sue and her site is http://www.myforeverchild.com.
   
   It is about one day at a time- one moment at a time. Although the pain will always be there, it will become easier, as with any loss, to get through the day and then continue on with living. The road to getting there is full of twists and turns, many tears, and finally seeing the light of day again.
   
   You won't forget Daniel. He's a part of you and I know you already know that.
   
   I send you my support, loving thoughts and prayers.
   
   Blessings to you and your family,
   Ellen

   Saturday, April 21, 2007 05:28:28

   Raechele Banfield says:
   

   Hi All,
   let m start by saying "THANKYOU FOR THIS SITE". It is hard to write through these tears so I apologise if there are any mistakes. I lost my 2nd baby on Easter Sunday 2007 I was 14.5 weeks ( i misscaried my first at 9 weeks). I had to have an ultrasound the next day (easter Monday) to confirm there was no heartbeat. I remember laying on the table thinking "the baby will be alright this cant happen a second time everything will b fine", but somehow knowing deep down something was terribly wrong. I asked the sonographer if he could see the baby and he said "oh i am just looking". I then asked"can you see a heartbeat?" and the look on his face told me before he got out"sorry at this point there seems to be no heartbeat" My husband came over to me he had ben watching the screen and just huged me. I was numb i did not talk did not cry i was a robot. The next day I had to have a D&C and go through the contractions with no pain medication. I layed there before the surgury and just cried. I was not suppossed to be going through this the only time i was suppossed to be in hospital with contractions was when i as having my baby. I have had two weeks off work but dread going back, its like if i go back i am moving on and i cant move on i am in the worst pain of my life and it is getting worse. Everyone keeps asking me if i am ok an i appreciate them being there but they say "talk to me tell me what you are feeling" and the thing is I can not express what I am feeling I am a complete and uter wreck. Everywhere I go there are pregnant women or babies everwhere and I can not handle that. I am at the point where I have considerd drinking my pain away but relise that will only make it worse. I DONT KKNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!! I want another baby so bad but am affraied it will happen for a third time. Sometimes I think if god was going to take this baby away why let me fall pregnant in the first place, why, why would he do that???? I am crying all the time and feel like i am losing it. I feel alone and lost. LIek i can not talk to anyone as they dont understand
   Thanks for letting me vent.

   Sunday, April 22, 2007 18:03:56

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Raechele,
   First, let me say I am SO sorry for your loss...for your pain. Please believe I, WE, are all here for you.
   
   When you miscarried, you were about as far along as I was. It doesn't matter how far along in terms of how much you love your baby, I just wanted you to know.
   
   Also, you've walked this road before, and I can certainly understand the double pain going on. If I could be there and just give you a hug, I would.
   
   Taking things a day at a time is all you can do. Dreading going back to work is normal. Look what you've been through. Of course you dread it.
   
   Going back to work, or resuming your life in a 'semi normal' way doesn't mean you are moving on and forgetting your baby or your pain. It means you are doing what you have to while grieving at the same time.
   
   It's okay to live and grieve. What other choice do we have? It's tough, but the only other option is to curl up and hide from the world and that would not be healthy for you or those you love at all.
   
   You're NOT losing it. You're in a great deal of pain, and you're afraid. YOU ARE GRIEVING. Please ALLOW yourself that, and if you feel you ever need to talk to someone who doesn't know you, like a counselor, do it if you can. Sometimes, feelings are more easily expressed when you don't have any personal connection to the one you're speaking to. I know this because I've done it.
   
   You're right about drinking making it worse. Drinking to bury your emotions only serves to magnify them--making you feel more heartbroken than you do now. I've not done it, (drinking away the pain), but have certainly witnessed it. It's a SCARY place to go, and I'm glad you're not going there. It would only add to your suffering.
   
   Venting is actually a very important step in healing. It may not feel like much right now, but letting the words out here at MiscarriageHelp has done something for you: You've released some pent up emotions and you felt safe doing it. You also knew the women here would understand your pain. I am so grateful to God that you found this site. We do understand and care about you very, very much.
   
   Seeing pregnant women and babies everywhere is something I battled with for YEARS. You know what? I still do sometimes. Because I have no children, I feel the pains rush through me when I let myself feel the emptiness of not being a mother. It was far WORSE after my miscarriage, and for a different reason. When you see women who are pregnant, or have babies, of course it's a reminder of the precious babies you lost to miscarriage. Don't beat yourself up for that. It's a feeling that hurts, but one you will eventually step away from. Right now, the pain is too raw to place any expectations upon yourself. The only thing you need to do is to allow yourself to feel and focus on healing. Remember, one day at a time. It's all you've got to work with, but each day brings with it great hope and promise. Eventually, you will see and feel it again.
   
   Healing after a miscarriage never means you will forget your baby, or babies. It means you'll come to a point where you'll be able to live your life and smile again. That takes time, as with any loss and the grief associated with it. We just don't bounce up again quickly like nothing happened after we miscarry. It takes time to adjust and to arrive at a point of acceptance. You deserve that time. Remeber, acceptance does not mean you've forgotten your baby.
   
   There are so many women who know exactly what you're feeling and how deep your pain runs. I know it doesn't take away your pain, but at least you know we are sisters in spirit who have walked the same road. No matter where we are along the path to healing after miscarriage, we can hold each other's hands and offer support.
   
   Please come back to us whenever you want, and if you just can't seem to get 'unstuck'- please consider talking to a grief counselor. I know it'll help you over some pretty tough emotional hurdles.
   
   Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Monday, April 23, 2007 08:10:51

   chris says:
   

   I recently miscarried...it would have been my fourth child. Our youngest is now 7 yrs and after much discussion we decided to have a tubal reversal. It never took me very long to get pregnant with my first 3, but this one took 3 months, and ended in 3 days, at 6 weeks. We never told our other children for fear of something like this happening. I never thought it would happen to me. I feel sad, distant and often withdrawn, just out of the blue. It was only a 6 week old embryo, but it was our baby to be. I too am afraid of trying again. I can't bear the thought of going through that again. What's worse is that I think it was a twin pregnancy, and that is what we were hoping for. Now all I want is a healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby.

   Tuesday, April 24, 2007 06:26:03

   Laurel says:
   

   This was my first pregnancy. I had been wanting desperately to be pregnant after years of watching my friends and family get pregnant and have kids. I constantly feel as though people with children are displaying them as a prize. I feel like I am invisible. Everywhere I go I am constantly being pushed aside, ignored and trampled so the parade of happy families can go on. I feel so worthless an unimportant. I got pregnant in the beginning of Feb this year. I was ecstatic. Finally it was my turn. I found out on the first day of my missed peroid, just a faint line on an HPT. My fiance was happy, too. He was surprised and excited. We both told everyone we knew. Especially me, which hurts so much now because of how many people I had to tell about the miscarriage. On monday april 2 I passed some mucus and dried blood. I was almost 10 weeks. I called my midwife and she told me to come in that afternoon. She couldn't get a fetal heartbeat from the doppler and scheduled an ultrasound for the next day. The belly ultrasound wasn't clear enough, so the tech did an intro-vaginal ultrasound. The fetus had no heartbeat. After being delighted to see the baby on the screen I was crushed by a ton of rubble when the tech said there was no heartbeat. I've been devasted since and cannot get a grip. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I was given the option to have a D&C the next day or wait for nature. My fiance pushed for the wait it out method because he was scared for me to have surgery. I wanted to get the surgery because the thought of having it inside was too much. I took his advice and waited. I only made it 2 days before I called and sceduled the surgery, I had to wait a whole week before the surgery becuase I waited too long to schedule it in the first place. Now its like everywhere I go I'm constantly reminded of it and having big pregnant bellies shoved in my face. The surgery went well I guess. I was in an incredible amount of pain and bleeding bright red for over a week after the surgery. At around 9 or 10 days I passed some large peices of what looked like tissue then finally the pain and bleeding stopped. I'v been terrified of infection and compulsive about taking my temp and watching for signs of infection. I've been to see a counselor twice, and I know its early on but it doesn't seem like its helping. I work as a nanny and it seems like every day at work I'm a wreck and I can barely function. I can handle caring for the baby, but all I can do for her are the absolute neccessities and I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job anymore. I'm really losing it and I need help but I don't know what to do or where to go. I wanted a baby so bad and I got to have it all taken away. Like I did something to deserve this punishment. If anyone has any advice my email address is boognishlady@yahoo.com. I really appreciate anything anyone has to offer.

   Tuesday, April 24, 2007 11:04:24

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Laurel,
   I am so sorry for your loss. You sound so devastated, and I along with everyone here can relate.
   
   Please believe you are a wonderful person; did nothing wrong; and are not being punished by God. I know it feels that way, but it's just not true.
   
   You are grieving and are in deep pain. Your job, which requires you caring for a baby, must be so difficult right now. The way I see it, ANY job would be tough right now, but caring for a child when you've lost your own is a pretty full plate.
   
   Please don't beat yourself up and feel like you're not doing a 'good job.' The fact that you're able to go to work shows me you are strong, even amidst your tears and pain.
   
   It seemed every pregnant woman I saw after I miscarried was a reminder of my loss. I think that's where you're at and believe me, I know the road. It's very difficult to even be around pregnant women after a miscarriage-some more than others. We all respond differently. I felt very much like you do.
   
   I know you've only been to counseling twice, but please give it a chance if it feels like it'll do you some good in time. You can't be expected to just 'get over this' and feel better right away. When you lose your baby to miscarriage, or suffer any kind of loss, you're never expected to simply bounce back. You need to feel and express those feelings just like you did here.
   
   It's a start. It's only the beginning. Your wound is still so raw and needs time to heal.
   
   And heal you will. You will never forget the precious one you lost, but I know you will heal. You are not losing it...and it's scary to feel like you are. I thought I was. Every day I'd cry and cry-as if the tears had an infinite supply. I couldn't even grocery shop and walk down the baby isle without my eyes watering. It hurts so much and I want you to know there were days I truly thought I'd never be 'normal' again. I nearly forgot what 'normal' was.
   
   Be gentle to yourself, Laurel. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I will ask for others to offer some words of comfort to you. Perhaps you'll find something that you'll connect with-making you feel far less alone and far more understood.
   
   Peace, Love, and Light to You,
   Ellen

   Tuesday, April 24, 2007 13:51:48

   Lorrie says:
   

   Hello again,
   I wrote back in March and have been reading the updates ever since. First, Ellen I want to tahnk you for a wonderful and supportive site. This has brought me great comfort and I'm sure many others agree.I have read your book and I highly recommend it to everyone. I have given my copy to my support group to lend to others. I was going to keep it for myself but i feel it would be better to spred the support to others.I wish i could help more in raising awareness about the fallout. I have e-mailed Oprah show in the need for more counseling and supoort after a miscarriage. I also told about your web site and book hoping this would give some validation to quest. I hope this is ok, I just want to make a difference for those who have and will experience this great loss. If there is anything I could do more I would.My e-mail address is corr21_98@yahoo.com if anyone needs support. This site is truly the work of GOD. THANK YOU AGAIN.

   Thursday, April 26, 2007 19:15:20

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Lorrie,
   Thank you so much for your words of kindness, and for your selfLESS act of giving your book to your support group. I pray someone gains help and comfort from I Never Held You, and think it's beautiful that you have a support group to attend and gain strength and comfort from.
   
   I am touched by your words, and truly give God the credit for this site. He made the opportunity available to me for it to exist...I am just the one who upkeeps because it's where my heart is.
   
   Offering your email to others was very kind of you. There may be somebody who's been here who would benefit from talking to you. Thank you for being so giving.
   
   As far as emailing Oprah, that's more than okay with me. If there's a voice who can spread miscarriage awareness and its fallout to millions- her's is certainly it! I'll have to say some extra prayers on that one...
   
   Peace and Blessing to you, Lorrie. YOU are a work of GOD.
   
   Ellen

   Friday, April 27, 2007 04:52:09

   Denise says:
   

   I just want to thank you Ellen for such a wonderful website; I have not yet read your book but look forward to it being part of my healing process...
   
   I read Suzan's and Leslyn's comments and saw myself in much of their stories...I was able to deliver my second son and child,Matthew,stillborn just this past week April 25th after my water broke. The pregnancy was uneventful with all the right answers to the questions; I felt fine and had no complications...we just do not understand why this happened. He was perfectly formed and beautiful in every way. I did not hold him for fear of not being able or wanting to let go. He was almost 19 weeks, 7.5 oz and 9 inches. He resembled my son Robert, almost age 6. I now look at Robert and see Matthew, he will always be a "touchpoint" for me with his younger brother, the child I never held. Robert touched my belly nearly the moment that we arrived home and asked " Where is the baby?"...He is grieving also. I also have a 16 yr old stepdaughter, Destiny.
   
   Matthew was unplanned but warmly welcome and was an eagerly anticipated member of our family...he will always be. We had funeral and burial for him along side other stillborns in a quaint cemetary not far from our home.
   
   My husband has been very supportive along with family and friends.I am taking time off from work and my usual activities. I ventured out yesterday and found myself looking at babies; looking for boys and my arms ache at the thought of not being able to hold and love my son Matthew.
   
   We are in the process of making a memory book to hold and preserve Matthew's items that we have received. It sounds like a good thing for couples/families to do together.
   
   I can understand now that micscarriage is so devastating; I liken this pregnancy to watching an reel-to-reel movie,it is going along just fine and then someone cuts the film and I am just left sitting there...wondering why this happened but knowing that the movie will never be finished.It was "just getting to the good part" and I anticipated such a wonderful ending and sequels! and I am left sitting there wondering...now what do I do? Where do I go? Disappointment, broken dreams and the loss of my life as I knew it are words that do not even come close to what I feel. Thanks for listening and caring.
   
   My heart and prayers are with you my sisters...
   Love, peace and hope to you all...
   Denise

   Monday, April 30, 2007 07:37:28

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Denise,
   
   I am so deeply sorry for what you've been through-you and your family. I cannot imagine the pain, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
   
   Thank you for kind words about MiscarriageHelp.com. I feel like I am simply the one who is a tool-maintaining this site, etc. It is the comments from all the women here and the support we offer each other which makes this the safe place of healing it is.
   
   So often we find a reflection of ourselves in others stories. The bond between all of us is evident through our words. Although circumstances may be different, we have felt the pain of losing a baby before "the movie ever started." Yes, I can relate well to your analogy about a reel-to-reel being cut off 'just before the good part.'
   
   Your baby will never be forgotten, and I believe the burial was a very important part to closure. Your situation is quite different from mine in that you actually delivered your baby and saw him. I ask God to bless you and give you strength in every way.
   Venturing out is a good thing when you're ready. I know so many things must have triggered thoughts of your little son. I can say the ache will subside over time as you heal. Of course that does not mean you'll forget, nor should you. Your memory book is wonderful tribute to the brief time your son was in your presence. I believe he will always be with you in spirit.
   
   I wish you and your family peace, love and support as you traverse the road to healing and recovery. Where there is love, there is hope.
   
   Blessings,
   Ellen

   Monday, April 30, 2007 08:56:29

   tonie says:
   

   i just had my third miscarriage and i've had one atopic pregnancy. You would think after this many times i'd be able to deal with this a little better, well no that's not the case. It's so devistating. I cry all the time, it's hard to be at work. I was only 4 wks but we were so excited, we've been wanting this for 3yrs. The hardest part is that all of our friends now have kids, we just can't get there. My husband has been wonderful and very supportive but i'm just a basket case.

   Monday, April 30, 2007 20:36:34

   Jenni says:
   

   The day I found out I was pregnant was probably the happiest in my life. I felt like I had purpose and a reason to live. My baby died at fifteen weeks and I have just been miserable. It’s like I’ll be ok and then something will set me off. It’s effecting my relationships with everyone I know and I don’t know how to stop being sad. I am enrolled in college and three days before classes started this semester I found out that my baby was dead, he had been dead for a week inside me. I had to have a D&C because I needed to return to school immediately and it was awful. I’ve never been in the hospital and the drugs were horrible. I was back at school on Monday but it was awful. It was sad and depressing and it’s only gotten worse. Just when I was starting to feel better about a month later, I was going to the restroom and this chunk of baby came out of me. It was like a total relapse, I felt like I had the first day I found out my baby had died. When I went to the doctor they told me it was a tampon and I got even more upset. I knew something was wrong and insisted that they send it off for testing and as it turns out, I was right. Apparently I am one of the “very unlikely” cases that has an incomplete D&C. I’ve gone to the doctor two more times because I keep running fever and I’m just sick in general. They keep putting me on three antibiotics at a time and I can’t handle all of this stress. It’s been three months and I still haven’t had a period. Now they want to go in on the fourth and do another “simple procedure” where they cut my bellybutton open. I don’t know what they’re looking for and it scares me to ask, nothing seems simple anymore. I just don’t know what to do. My sister got pregnant a week after I lost my baby and she just found out that she is having a boy. My parents were delighted, as this will be their first grandbaby. No one asks me how I am or if I’m ok and it’s like my baby never existed. I don’t know what’s going to happen and I’m sick of seeing happy pregnant people. It’s like they’re all around me. My fiancé has been wonderful and keeps telling me that we should try again but it just wouldn’t be the same. I just can’t stop thinking about my baby and this has been a never-ending medical nightmare for me. My address is pnc_212@yahoo.com if anyone would like to write. Thank you for having this site, it has helped me more than you know. It’s kind of scary that I was only given a box of tissues when I left the hospital, a website address would’ve helped much more.

   Monday, April 30, 2007 22:01:05

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Tonie,
   I am so sorry for your losses. You have certainly been walking with a very heavy load upon your shoulders. I am glad your husband is supportive- it means a great deal.
   
   However, I know your pain isn't gone because of your husband's, or anybody else's support. You want people to reach out to you, or to just 'be there', but you still feel the pain of losing your precious babies.
   
   I can't imagine living through four losses- and you have every right to feel like a 'basket case'. However, I wouldn't really put it that way. You are grieving and have been through four traumatic events. Please know that my heart goes out to you as you try to deal, yet again, with another miscarriage.
   
   I know the feeling of having all your friends pregnant after you've lost your baby to miscarriage. It makes you feel so 'out of the loop', if you will.
   
   The only thing I can offer is:
   There is always hope- please try to keep that flame alive. YOU are a wonderful, beautiful person. And, if there's some sort of medical reason for your miscarriages, please keep an open mind to becoming a mother through other avenues, i.e., adoption, etc. I'm not forcing the idea upon you, merely tossing it out there for you to ponder.
   
   My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know it's hard to be strong when you feel like the wind has been knocked out of your sails so many times. I am here for you- we ALL are here for you.
   
   Blessings,
   Ellen

   Tuesday, May 01, 2007 07:23:15

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Jennie,
   I am so sorry for your loss and for all you've been going through on top of your grief and pain.
   
   You've got such a full plate, and without the time to really focus on healing and give yourself the chance to grieve, I can imagine it would be very difficult to stop feeling sad. I can't imagine having to focus on your studies, etc., while in the middle of trying to deal with the loss of your baby. Again, I am so sorry for your pain.
   
   When you experienced that horrible incident in the bathroom, it must have been so traumatic. I truly feel for you, and I'd feel like I were reliving my miscarriage all over again, too.
   
   Adding to your full plate, you're not feeling well and are on antibiotics. It sounds to me like you need some time for YOU. I am glad your fiance is supportive, but I know how alone you must feel. The longer your illness goes on, the more overwhelmed you must become.
   
   After I lost my baby, (I was about four and a half months), it seemed every pregnant woman became visible to me and served as reminders of what I'd lost. Please know this is a very normal feeling, although it's one I'm sure you don't like. I cried whenever I saw a pregnant woman, or even a woman walking her baby down the street. Everything was amplified-for the worse.
   
   Your sister being pregnant is a joyful thing, yet I can see why you are so hurt. On top of it, it sounds like your feelings are being looked over while everyone focuses upon the new baby to be. You are grieving, Jennie, and have every right to do so. Not only do you have the right, you must grieve in order to be able to move on.
   
   That doesn't mean you'll ever forget your baby. You won't and that's normal. Your baby was a part of your life and all your hopes and dreams. When you lost your baby, all your plans for the future with your new baby went along with him or her. I truly feel for you.
   
   I know you're going into the hospital for some kind of procedure and you haven't asked about it. I'm suggesting you do, for your own sake. I know you're in a lot of emotional and physical pain right now, but it's best to be your own advocate and know exactly what it is the doctor's are looking for and how they plan on doing it. I'm not telling you what to do, but making a gentle suggestion.
   
   Please take things one moment at a time and allow yourself the grieving space you need. Allow yourself the HEALING you need. If you feel like it would help to talk with somebody like a grief counselor, please consider doing so. Or, a counselor in general. Perhaps there's some sort of support group near you. You could always search on the Internet to see. Talking with people who have lived the same always seems to be of comfort. It doesn't take away your pain, but it lessens the blow and provides reassurance that you're not alone, you're not crazy, and your grief is very, very real.
   
   I will also post your message on my Amazon.com Plog in case there's anyone who wants to offer some words of advice to you. You can find it here: (I won't include your email address. I'll refer them to this site instead). http://www.amazon.com/exec/...
   Any messages I post on my book site at Amazon.com go to the folks who have purchased my book. They have walked your road and perhaps somebody would be willing to share some heartfelt, helpful words of comfort with you.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you emotional, physical and spiritual healing.
   
   Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Tuesday, May 01, 2007 14:41:53

   Laurie Yackley says:
   

   Dear Ellen:
   
   I feel a special kinship to you as I had a miscarriage on April 22, 1988. We already had two beautiful daughters and this pregnancy was totally unplanned but it was exciting to know we would be having another baby. Unfortunately, before I knew I was pregnant I fell down a couple of steps and injured a couple of discs in my neck. I ended up taking muscle relaxants and painkillers. Shortly after I starting taking them I found out I was pregnant - I was immediately taken off the drugs and sent to PT. Everything seemed to be going fine.
   
   At about 3 months I started bleeding and my Dr. said I was more than likely having a miscarriage - but that I should just rest. About 4 days later I miscarried. My Dr. felt the baby had been dead for awhile - and I received the usual "it was probably for the best". My Dr. was a very gentle and caring man but that's all he knew to say to me.
   
   Basically, I heard the same from my mother - I would get over it! My husband didn't know how to react either so I just "dealt with it".
   
   I buried the pain in the recesses of my heart and mind - once in awhile it would surface but I quickly buried it again.
   
   Eventually, other circumstances led me to a therapist about six years ago. This was the best thing that could have happened to me. Many, many things have surfaced during this time. One of them was the lack of support I received at the time of my miscarriage. My therapist encouraged me to talk about it, to write about it and did EMDR with me. Eventually, I wrote a letter to our baby - I named her "Erin" although I never knew if our baby was a girl or a boy. Just writing this letter was so healing to me and I would like to share it with everyone else.
   
   Dear Erin,
   
   I’ve been struggling for days with how to begin this letter. For nearly 16 years I have kept hidden in my heart that I was devastated the day you went to be with God. I didn’t understand – I thought I had done something wrong. I have finally come to realize that God has a purpose for everything – and it was in His plan for you to be with him always.
   
   The hardest part for me has been not knowing you or holding you or seeing you grow up. You would have liked your two big sisters, Jen and Mel, very much. I’m sure they would have spoiled you.
   
   The other day I was standing in the kitchen looking out the window at the snowflakes coming down. Normally, snowflakes aren’t that exciting but these were the big, fluffy ones that just seemed to slowly float in the air. I was also thinking about you and it suddenly seemed that you were like one of those beautiful snowflakes of which no two are alike. So beautiful! From now on I will think of you as a beautiful snowflake – not touchable but there for a fleeting moment in time. A sweet memory.
   
   Love,
   
   Mom
   
   Becase I live in Minnesota I get to be reminded of Erin quite often! I'm still dealing with this and my therapist is still working with me. The pain isn't as great but the memories will always be there - as they should.
   
   I came across your book "I Never Held You" a couple of weeks ago at about the time of the 19th anniversary of my miscarriage. I haven't read the whole book yet, but what I have read is very encouraging. Thank you.

   Wednesday, May 02, 2007 15:19:46

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Laurie,
   
   As I write this, tears stream down my face. Your letter to Erin was one of the most beautiful, touching things I've read. Thank you for sharing it, and for your words of encouragement.
   
   I am so sorry for your loss, and where it's been quite some time for both you and I since our miscarriages, I feel a kinship with you, too. I know what it's like to have so many years pass, yet the memory of our precious babies lost to miscarriage and home with God remain fresh.
   
   Yes, we've healed. But, that doesn't mean we'll ever forget, nor should we.
   
   I've often thought about talking to someone about my own experiences with miscarriage and some of the emotions left unresolved. In writing I Never Held You, I did a lot of emotional purging in an attempt to help others. I look at my book as a tool to help women who have miscarried, but also as a tool that helped me deal with the fallout after my own miscarriage.
   
   Your letter to Erin is so beautiful, and I am going to post it on my Amazon.com site (the plog where the book is located). I would love others to read it, along with the rest of your post.
   
   Your little "snowflake" will always be with you.
   
   God Bless,
   Ellen

   Thursday, May 03, 2007 07:20:25

   Lien says:
   

   i was 7.5weeks this previous Sunday (29 April) when I started bleeding. I rushed to the doctors and she said to not get alarmed and she took tests and told me to go home and rest and wait to have an ultrasound the following day. But i started bleeding more heavily an hour after getting home and by night i knew there was something wrong. I rang my obstetrician who told me to go to the emergency dept and they did scans and bloods. They could not find a heartbeat but reassured me that the machine was not strong enough to detect it and they just wanted to rule out an etopic pregnancy. So I was admited in overnight and the next morning they did a full blown ultrasound and trans-vaginal ulstrasound. I knew by then there was something really wrong when the sonographer wouldn't answer my questions directly. I was sent back up the ward to wait for the report. My obstetrican came soon after (by now it was Monday lunchtime) with another senior Ob, and told me that it was likely that I was miscarrying or that I was actually only 5 weeks and not the 7.5 weeks that i thought i was. I told him that I have been trying for months, and have my dates memorised in my brain so there was no way i could have gotten it wrong. He sent me home with not much more that they could do. But again, i got home and this time i started haemorrahaging and passing clots. I rang my OB and was rushed back into the private hospital this time. Within 10 mins of arrivng and in unbearable labour like pains, i proceeded to miscarry and within two hours i had everything out all the time crying my heart out and asking god why? The nurse was able to show me the baby sac, and it gave me some comfort and finality of the actual process to see it. But the pain was just unbearable knowing my angel had died and there was nothing i could do to bring my little angel back. The next morning on Tuesday 1st May my OB performed a d&c and i was sent home that evening to recover but in my eyes more importantly to grieve. Its now Thursday night 3rd May (syd Aust time) and its only been a few days , but I feel so angry, empty and in shock that this could happen to me. I am struggling with the fact my husband is not grieving the way I am and that around us we have friends and family who are in their final stages of pregnancy and due to give birth any day now. I feel so cheated and robbed because we so dearly wanted this little angel. We have phonecalls from well meaning friends and family who unintentionally say very hurtful things and I am just not coping with this very well. I feel so alone and isolated in my grief and pain. I am trying to remain strong for my little precious boy who is 20 months old. Thank god i have him to hold and love. My husband says we will just try for another one, but at this moment i can not even comtemplate this, as my confidence is gone and I have heightened fear of all this happening again. Thank you for having this site, and allowing to express my grief and sorrow. My thoughts and love are with all the other ladies on this site who are also suffering grief of their lost child.

   Thursday, May 03, 2007 07:22:18

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Lien,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and it sounds like you were left feeling so alone during this horrible time. It troubles me to think of you at home, making calls, in the hospital- with nobody even saying, "I'm sorry." Or, "Are you okay?"
   
   Having other family members pregnant must be difficult after your loss, and I am grateful for you that you have your 20 month old to hold and love. I know it doesn't take away the pain of your loss, but he probably brings a smile to your face when you thought you couldn't smile at all.
   
   Trying again for another baby is probably in the cards for you, but right now what people must understand is that you are grieving. There are fears to overcome, too, as you said. You've lost your little one that you had hopes, plans, wishes and dreams for. Before you met your baby, you were in love with your baby.
   
   It seems people just don't know what to say to a woman who has miscarried. While your friends and family try to be supportive, their words often are like daggers because they cannot know your pain unless they've lived it. Even if they have, if they never expressed their pain and grief, and were told to bury it, they're most likely conveying the same message to you.
   
   So sad.
   
   Please know that we are all here for you and understand the road you are walking. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers-
   Blessings,
   Ellen

   Thursday, May 03, 2007 09:49:15

   Amy says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   
   I miscarried a year ago this month and after dealing with alot of guilt and pain thought I was finally pulling myself back together. Although the pain never really goes away and my baby is never far from my thoughts I really thought it was getting better.Until this month. It has been horrible. I am a crying mess most of the time and I feel so blah. If I could I would just stay in bed. Do other people go threw this on what should have been his or her first birthday and am I going to go threw theses emotions every year at this time.

   Thursday, May 03, 2007 13:26:17

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Amy,
   First, let me say how sorry I am for your loss.
   
   I know what it's like to start to feel better, only to find yourself slipping. Sometimes, you don't even know why and then it hits you: It's the anniversary of my miscarriage.
   
   After that, your mind probably wanders to all sorts of thoughts: the what ifs, etc.
   
   I know mine did, and sometimes still does.
   
   You may go through these emotions for some time...we are all different. I know every November I think about how old my son would be. Each April/May I remember my miscarriage. Every Mother's Day I think of the son I never held but loved so much.
   
   You see, we really aren't so different. Our connections to our babies is strong, and we feel the emptiness of not having them with us.
   
   It's only been a year, and for me that wasn't very long. Actually, it seemed to have blown by so fast. The same may be true for you.
   
   Please give yourself the space and time you need to grieve, cry if you have to, perhaps write some thoughts down in a journal. One of the women here wrote a letter to her baby and I thought it was one of the most beautiful things I'd ever read.
   
   Maybe that's something you'd like to do...I am going to do it. I believe it will bring about more closure and my baby in heaven will certainly 'hear' my words to him.
   
   I wish you comfort, healing and peace as you struggle through this difficult time. Setbacks do not mean anything other than the fact that you're human. We all remember...and when it's a sad memory, the tears can come right out of the blue.
   
   Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Friday, May 04, 2007 12:02:36

   Stacy says:
   

   Dear Ellen
   
   I misscarried almost 4 months ago and i thought that I was doing ok. well today is one of those days that Im not. I was just at the mall and all that was around me was pregnant. All I thought in my mind was I hate them I know it sounds so strong but thats how I feel. And what makes it more tough is watching my sister in law get bigger and bigger. She is due two weeks after my third baby was due. It is just so hard to be happy for her. I just don't get it I have not had problems with babies just pregnant people. I am just at such a loss and everytime I make one step ahead I feel like I go two steps back. Well thank you for being here to let some of this out. God bless everyone

   Sunday, May 06, 2007 19:45:41

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Stacy,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and I know how you feel when around pregnant women.
   
   Hate may sound strong, and it may be more of a feeling of resentment, but it's something I believe many of us can relate to. Speaking for myself, I went through the very same emotions.
   
   It's only been four months since your miscarriage and you're still grieving. When you see others who are pregnant, I'm sure you realize you're being reminded of what you lost...your baby. You may wonder "Why not me?" every time you see them.
   
   I sure did. And, I didn't have a problem with babies, like you.
   
   Every step you take is a step forward, even when it feels like a step back. It's all a part of the very difficult healing process after miscarriage and I know it feels like you're going backwards. You're not. You're feeling, hurting, and wishing this terrible thing never happened to you. When you see others who are pregnant, (and it feels like you see EVERYONE within eyeshot who is), you can't help but feel some sort of jealousy and hurt. I'm truly sorry you're going through this.
   
   Please give yourself time and don't beat yourself up for having these feelings. If they get to be too much for you, please talk them out with someone- a friend, or someone you don't know like a counselor. There's no shame in asking for help. It does not mean you're weak.
   
   When a family member is pregnant, like your sister-on-law, it gets more complicated. You probably love her, and want her to be happy and have a healthy baby who will be your new niece or nephew. At the same time, you feel an emptiness inside of you whenever you see her. I believe it's normal, at least it was for me, and again, I ask that you be gentle with yourself.
   
   One day at a time. One moment at a time. That's all we've got and we just have to do the best we can with each second.
   
   I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and please believe you will be okay. You'll never forget your little one, but the pain will lessen as time passes and you continue to heal.
   
   Blessings,
   Ellen

   Monday, May 07, 2007 04:45:01

   Jamie says:
   

   Hi. I just had a miscarriage 9 days ago. I thought I was doing fine. But I am not. I am ok with losing the baby, I think I have dealt with that. I just feel really depressed. I don't feel like being around anyone. I have a wonderful husband, however, he just has no idea what I am going through and does not understand AT ALL. He just thinks I am being rude. PLEASE HELP ME GET NORMAL! I am usually a very happy person and I just don't know where to go from here.

   Tuesday, May 08, 2007 15:58:29

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Jamie,
   
   I'm so sorry for your loss, and ALL the emotions you're experiencing. It's a scary place, and I'd like to share with you a couple of thoughts:
   
   Give yourself time to determine whether you're really "okay" with losing your baby. There's a reason why you feel "really depressed"- and I'm not sure what it is. I think it's very early for you to know. Allowing yourself to feel is very important, and if you need to grieve your baby, it's got to be done. Now, if you decide you're okay with losing the baby and have dealt with it- those are your feelings and there's no right or wrong. So, why the depression? It's a question you've got to ask yourself in addition to why you don't want to be around anyone.
   
   I know, and keep in mind I'm no doctor, that after my miscarriage my hormones were a MESS. Subsequently, I was a MESS. You might want to talk to your doctor to determine if that's what's causing your depression & other feelings. Your mind AND body are going through a huge adjustment right now, and chemically you may be feeling depressed and "not normal" because of it.
   
   Being a happy person by nature, you must be feeling like you're going out of your head. You're NOT. You still are that "normally happy person" AND are not rude, as your husband sees your attitude.
   
   He has no idea what you're going through and I'm guessing he's placing a label on your depressed state and calling it rude. I'm not condoning his attitude, but I am saying he cannot know what he doesn't understand. It happened to me with my ex after I miscarried. He just couldn't make heads or tails out of whatever it was I was feeling, (crying, depressed, not 'myself'), and thought I just needed to "grow up and get over it". Yes, that's quote. I don't really fault him for not understanding me, but COMPASSION goes a LONG way and your husband is smart enough to realize you, mind, body & spirit, have been through a MAJOR change & trauma both emotionally and physically.
   
   You may want to share that with him. Perhaps you want to talk to your doctor first and get a better handle on your emotions and what the root cause is.
   
   I think you'll feel better after hearing that you ARE normal right now and will be back to the 'old you' after some time. Right now, this is your 'normal'- but it won't stay that way. It really won't.
   
   Give yourself the time you need. Please talk to your doctor about your feelings, and treat yourself gently. You have every right to feel whatever it is you're feeling, and you also have the right to get help in understanding your feelings.
   
   My thoughts and prayers are with you-
   Ellen

   Wednesday, May 09, 2007 07:56:05

   Ellen says:
   

   A Note From Ellen:
   It's hard to believe it's been sixteen-years since my miscarriage at four-and-a-half months. Sometimes it seems a lifetime ago-other times it feels like the raw, open wound it was when it happened.
   
   I know now, after all these years, an ebook and paperback book later, and the advent of this support site, that God had plans for me. Plans I may not have volunteered for, knowingly, but plans for me to take the pain of my own miscarriage and turn it around into something to help you...to help myself.
   
   They say writers often write about what they need to learn themselves. I agree.
   
   Coming to terms with my miscarriage and all the fallout was no easy task, as I'm sure you're all aware. Grief is grief. There is no gray area.

   Thursday, May 10, 2007 11:55:29

   Ellen says:
   

   (continued from Ellen)
   There's a white area, though. That white area, to me, is God. Whatever your beliefs are in a power, or source bigger than yourself, that power is the light that gets you through the darkest of days, the scariest of nights.
   
   This isn't me preaching to you. I've no business in doing so and am just sharing my feelings. My faith, as evidenced in parts of my book, on this site, and on my Amazon Plog (when it returns), is quite clearly the most important element of who I am. Why? Well, to me it's the very essence of where I began-where I came from.
   
   I digress.
   
   This, and by this I mean today or this week, is about the exact time nearly sixteen-years ago, I found out my baby had died, or 'expired' as I was told. "The fetus is no longer viable." Those words are ringing in my ears and I can feel the cold, hard table underneath me. I can still see the ultrasound screen and feel the presence of my sister as she stood silently next to me in the tiny room. From a doctor I didn't even know, (mine was away), I found out my baby had died probably a couple of weeks earlier and the sac around my baby was gone. Numbness washed over me after the initial shock. I think it was a defense mechanism. My brain's emotional center shutdown temporarily and went on autopilot. It's the only way I was able to walk out of hospital without completely flipping out.
   
   My husband, (at the time), was away. Thank God my sister was with me.
   
   When he got home from his business trip, I told him the news. I sensed the relief within his mind and could see it on his face. Yes, I said relief. That doesn't make him a bad person. He felt ill-prepared for a baby and although part of him felt bad, he truly believed we weren't ready.
   
   However, there was no relief for me. Not right away. Not for a long time. So many hours, days, weeks, months, years of diving into myself to find comfort. Countless hours spent in bookstores searching for a book to reassure me I wasn't going insane for feeling a constant, dark emptiness every day and crying at the drop of a hat. HELP ME!!! I screamed silently. There was nothing to be found...nobody knew what I was living.
   
   If there were a hell, I believed I'd found it.
   
   Fast forward eleven years from that dreadful, dark time. While at the kitchen table I felt inspired. It was such a strong feeling I knew it was coming from either the angels, or God. Something kept urging me to write about my miscarriage and how I got through it.
   
   So, I did. About five years ago I learned what an ebook was and had a small one published called I Never Held You. It did well, and I couldn't believe it. However, after giving it some thought, I realized WHY it was doing well. There were so many women out there who felt exactly as I did when I miscarried and I was giving them something, albeit small, to validate their feelings. YOUR MISCARRIAGE AND ALL THE PAIN ASSOCIATED WITH IT IS REAL AND YOU ARE NOT CRAZY FOR FEELING LIKE YOU DO.
   
   That was the message, and still is today. Last year, I Never Held You came out in a much longer paperback with contributions by Dr. Linda Backman, Psychologist and Grief Counselor, and several other valuable contributors. I expanded upon techniques used to deal with the aftermath of miscarriage, and wrote about how my faith carried me through the horrific pain.

   Thursday, May 10, 2007 11:57:18

   Ellen says:
   

   The things I learned through the years after my miscarriage were incorporated into my book, and I thank God every single day for blessing my work and keeping it visible through my publisher's site (DLSIJ Press), on Amazon.com, and elsewhere. I believe God used me as one of His tools to help you, just as He has with other authors who've written about miscarriage, etc.
   
   And then there's this site. I cannot begin to express the deep feelings of gratitude for its existence. Providing a safe place for women and their families to vent after miscarriage and feel connected through the words of others who are living the same is one of my life's missions. I am sure of this. Everyone who has taken the time to share their hearts, often amidst tears, on this site has a special place in my heart. You are all in my thoughts and prayers and through our connection, we are collectively reaching more and more women each day who need a place to turn.
   
   It's not just 'me.' It's US. WE have lived through miscarriage(s) and WE are telling the world just how real the pain is and how much it needs to be recognized by the world, the medical community, support groups, etc.
   
   It's working. I see it and feel it. I know it.
   
   I also know it doesn't take away your pain. You wish you never had to visit this site in the first place, and I don't blame you.
   
   To you, I send warm, loving thoughts and wish for your comfort and peace as you travel towards healing and recovery after miscarriage. I pray for you to be soothed.
   
   And, to my sweet baby boy who has resided in heaven for nearly sixteen years, I say to you, "I love you, Alex, and always will. May the angels carry my message to you upon their wings. I will always carry you in my heart. I know I never held you, but I'll always love you."
   
   Blessings, Love and Light to All Of YOU.

   Thursday, May 10, 2007 11:58:06

   Angie says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   Thank you for this site, and I loved your poetry and songs. They really touched my heart.
   
   I miscarried about six months ago, and haven't been the same since. One day I'll feel somewhat better, but I always feel a fog around me. I can't shake the fact that I lost my baby and will never see her.
   
   Sites like this help because I've read what other women have said. I know I'm not the only one to feel this way. I wish I could predict how long this fog will last, but I can't. I don't even know where to start, how to start.
   
   My husband's been great, but he's a man and didn't carry our baby. I know he loved her and wanted her very much, but he doesn't feel the emptiness in his body and soul. Not in the same way. He's been supportive of my crying nearly every day and understands I'm in a kind of 'funk'. I don't want to go out very often, and we had a pretty active social life.
   
   Thank God my friends understand me and don't push me too hard. One did suggest I go to therapy, and I'm thinking about it. Maybe a counselor can help me to see things differently.
   
   I read about the miscarriage show on the Today Show and wish I saw it. I'll be sure to go to the website and read the other women's comments.
   
   To everyone here, I know I sound fragmented, and I am, but I do pray for you and truly feel with all my heart the pain you are living.
   
   God Bless all of you. At least we know we are not in this alone.
   
   Oh, and Ellen, I've ordered your book. I look forward to getting it.

   Thursday, May 10, 2007 12:27:40

   Mariah says:
   

   So, I found out two weeks ago that I was pregnant. It was a completely unplanned pregnancy, and yet I was so very excited. God blessed me with a baby, I couldn't wait to see that precious child. I went to my ob today for an ultrasound...she felt my uterus first and said I should be about eight or nine weeks. Then she did the ultra sound, only to discover that that the baby, my baby, had stopped developing somewhere around five weeks or so. It just stopped. I was stunned, I wanted to scream...I didn't believe her. She informed me that it was only a matter of time before I was to have a miscarriage. And if it doesn't happen soon, the will give me medication to do it. I don't know what to do...I have not stopped crying all day. My baby is still inside of me, and I am just waiting to have a miscarriage. It feels so unreal, like a cruel joke. She said it may have had something to do with a medication I was on for migraines, I feel like I killed my baby. I don't know how I will get out of bed tomorrow...

   Thursday, May 10, 2007 21:38:59

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Mariah,
   I am so sorry for what you're going through, and for your loss. The feeling of knowing your baby is no longer alive yet inside of you is such a shock, and waiting to miscarry is horrible. I know that awful pain and it does seem unreal.
   
   I don't know why your OB said it may have something to do with the medication you're on for migraines...I'm not a a doctor so I couldn't say. But, I wish she didn't say it. With no disrespect to your OB, she doesn't KNOW for certain and even used the word "MAY (have something to do with the medication)...." You didn't kill your baby- no, you didn't.
   
   I can't help but think of it like this, and hopefully it'll make some sense: Sadly, there are drug addicts who have babies all the time. I ask God to bless them both because the mother gave birth to an innocent baby addicted to crack, or whatever she was on, so both she and the baby are suffering. Now, a drug addict could carry to term, can you see why I'm asking you to please not blame yourself for your miscarriage? It might sound like a poor analogy, but when you really think about it....
   
   If you go on feeling your miscarriage was your fault, you'll just be torturing yourself. I'd hate to see that happen. You're in pain, in shock, the waiting is HORRIBLE, and you're grieving. That's a very full plate and there's no room on it for self-blame. For your sake, please try and stop feeling like you "killed your baby."
   
   You didn't. It was not in your hands.
   
   Take one moment at a time. Please treat yourself gently. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and you're always welcome here. Please know we all care very much about you and what you're living. Most of all, we UNDERSTAND you because we've walked your road.
   
   Blessings to you, Mariah.
   Ellen

   Friday, May 11, 2007 04:44:31

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Angie,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and certainly know what it's like to be in a 'funk'. You've been grieving, and those of us who have miscarried know your grief all too well.
   
   I didn't want to do to much with anybody for some time after my miscarriage. Going to work was a real effort, along with doing all those things you have to do every day. Even the most mundane task seemed overwhelming sometimes.
   
   You're going to come out of the darkness, but may need a bit of help in doing so. You may want to consider taking your friend's advice and talk to a counselor. There's something about talking to someone who doesn't know you-it's very emotionally 'freeing' because there's no history and that person is there strictly to listen to you and HELP you. When I went to a counselor, I felt like my words didn't have to be guarded in any way. There were no feelings to be hurt or people I knew and loved to misunderstand me. Also, a counselor has one thing in mind: to help YOU, period.
   
   You didn't sound 'fragmented', but I'm sure you feel it. Your emotions are all over the place and I know the struggle...we all do.
   
   Please take things one day at a time. There's no right or wrong to how long you grieve and feel like you do, but sometimes we need somebody to throw us a rope to help pull us out of the hole we're in.
   
   Many Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Friday, May 11, 2007 04:53:30

   Ellen says:
   

   Please scroll to the top of this comments section and click on the link for our new comments section. The page will load faster for you. I'm so sorry we've got so many comments here because of what you're going through, but feel blessed that MiscarriageHelp.com has become a safe place for all of you to vent, share, let it out. Blessings to all of you, Ellen

   Friday, May 11, 2007 05:22:34

   jo says:
   

   This is the first time I have found a place to talk about losing a much wanted baby at 13 weeks - and this was over 37 years ago. I have never forgotten how desolated I was, and how my husband and his family just carried on as if nothing at happened - and I am sure this was because they thought it for the best and so I wouldn't get upset. But I long for someone - anyone - to tell me they felt my pain, and it was alright. The hospital where I was taken seemed so clinical about the whole thing - and nobody spoke to me about the miscarriage afterwards.
   
   So although in some ways time does heal, it never takes away the pain and the love for my unborn child - and I never even knew if it was a boy or girl.
   
   jo

   Saturday, May 19, 2007 19:08:37

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Jo,
   
   I'm so sorry for your loss- and yes, I know it's been 37 years. I believe you deserve to hear "I'm sorry for what you went through"- regardless of how much time has passed.
   
   I am grateful you found this site and were at least able to share your feelings.
   
   You know, you're right about time. It heals but we don't forget. We do the best we can with each moment, each day.
   
   My mother lost my almost 2-yr old brother when she was about seven months pregnant with me. That was about 40 years ago. I'm sure time healed- but did she forget? I know she hasn't.
   
   Jo, I know you haven't forgotten either. It's something you've carried and never really talked about because it 'just wasn't talked about'. Sadly it still happens a lot today, but there's much more awareness. Subsequently, more sharing and talking. Shows addressing the aftermath of miscarriage emerge, like The Today Show's piece on miscarriage.
   
   Thank God the whole, terrible experience and what miscarriage leaves in its path is being brought into the public eye on a much larger scale.
   
   I wish you many blessings, and know that I am here, we all are here, if you ever feel compelled to share any more of your feelings. The road we've walked is the same, no matter when we walked it.
   
   Peace, Love and Comfort,
   Ellen

   Sunday, May 20, 2007 06:27:38

   lisa schrader says:
   

   HELLO MY NAME IS LISA I HAD A MISSED MISCARRIAGE ON APRIL THE 16TH, I WENT TO THE DR 3 WEEKS PRIOR TO LEARNING MY BABY WAS DEAD INSIDE ME I WAS SCHEDULED FOR A COMPREHENSIVE U/S THE DR WAS VERY RUDE TO ME HE SAID IF THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR BABY WHAt are your plans i said i will love my baby either way i would just like to be prepared if there is something wrong well this dr went on for at least 20 minutes telling me that babies are not store bought you cant exchange them very rude then he said well your only 16 and half weeks pregnant we cant do the u/s until your at least 9 weeks so i asked him if he could just do a quick u/s so i can see my baby and hear the heart beat he said no so i went back 3 weeks later on april 11 i was laying on the table with my husband next to me the tech started the scan before the dr another dr not the same as before the tech got quiet and asked me if i was having any pain or feeling sick i said no why she said well let me get the dr so she can do measurements and she will talk to you i told my husband something is wrong he said no babe everything is fine well the dr came in and after doing the u/s for a few seconds she said im really sorry but there is no heart beat i lost it more is coming back to me now about what happen she said by the measurements my baby past 3 weeks ago then i got real upset then that dr from before came in the rude one saying im sorry to hear about your lost my husband asked why didnt you let my wife see the baby the last time he said i think i did i said no and he said let me go check your records and left it didnt dawn on me that my records were in the room with us i had to be induced 5 days later my body was not rejecting the pregnancy my hospital stay was horriable i was in pain for 3 hours before recieving pain meds then it did not even help they examine me 3 times in an hour then they told me your not dialating so we are going to put a folly up your uterus to put water in it to make it contract more well they tried for about 15 minutes but the nurse said she could not get it in cause the tube was to flimsy so then the pain started non stop contractions i told the nurse i needea epinoral as they promised me it took her 30 minutes to get the dr then the dr came in and she was no where in sight so i got the epid. then i was feeling better the nurse told my husband that the epid would slow down my contractions it would be hurs before i delivered so he left to go home and check on my kids 20 minutes after he left i felt this weird feeling like a big balloon coming out of me i looked for my call button that was not on my bed but attached to a cabinet door above my bed i tried yelling nothing i mananged to pull by dumb body up enough to reach the call light nothing 10 minutes later a tech came in to check my epid.then i told her my baby she said yeah im sorry about your loss i said my baby came out 10 minutes ago she called for the doctors they came in the baby was still in the sac it did not bust they took the baby in put her in the bathroom then did a quick scan and left me there iwas so upset shaking crying and alone i got to see my baby i named her kaylee ann i send balloon messages to her now and then the next day after delivering a nurse came in my room and said im here to take a hearing test on your baby i told her my baby past away she said did it and walked out of the room i will never go back to that hospital again never they gave me a rebella shot no vitamins no instructions and sent me home im still very depressed about losing my little girl i gry a lot my husband said not to get myself so depressed i tell him it just hits me and i cry im 38 years old i have two other children one i adopted was my sisters baby had him since birth the other a girl i had 9 years ago everyone is so nice when they first here of your lost then after a week they look at you and say you need to move on i cant i miss her so very much i pray for all the women who lost there babies i felt lost before when my sister and brother and dad passed away now since my baby has passed i feel all the pain of them dying and my baby i go today to a different hospital to be checked but im bleeding my period just started and not sure if i should go or not plus im scared of getting more upset thank you for this place to come and express our feelings please excuse my spelling i for get how to spell words lately even phone numbers god bless all of you lisa

   Tuesday, May 22, 2007 10:17:56

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Lisa,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and for all you've been through. After I read your comment, I was overwhelmed with sadness. Not only did you lose your baby, you were treated with incredible disrespect and no compassion whatsoever. I am appalled and certainly understand why you won't be going back to that hospital.
   
   I don't know why you were not allowed to have an ultrasound done. The only thing I can say is that I wish you were treated with more care when you were told that you couldn't. Compassion goes such a long way, and that's what you needed so much.
   
   "Babies are not store bought you cant exchange them." My, God. I can't believe these words were said to you. I am so sorry and can only ask, "WHAT kind of treatment is THAT?"
   
   Having your call button so out of reach while you were alone in your hospital room is terrible. I've seen it happen before, and there should have been someone there, or easily reached by having your call button ON your bed or attached to it. Again, I can't believe you were neglected so much. How very sad.
   
   "They took the baby...put her in the bathroom then did a quick scan and left me there..."
   
   "...then the next day after delivering a nurse came in my room and said im here to take a hearing test on your baby i told her my baby past away she said did it and walked out of the room."
   
   All of this makes me so sad, and I am glad you've at least got your husband to support you. Thank God he is there because it sounds to me like you've been given the 'bums rush' by every doctor and nurse you've seen. I say that not to insult those in the medical field, but do mean it in your case.
   
   Lisa, you've been through so much. Grieving your baby is OKAY and to be EXPECTED. You are human and you loved your Kaylee very much. You've also been through what sounds like incredible losses with your family. I am so sorry for this, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   You've got a very full plate. I ask you to remember to treat yourself gently and give yourself time to grieve and heal. Try to do some things to help relax your mind and body if you are inclined. I find guided meditation CD's or tapes VERY helpful in balancing out my emotions, getting me in touch with my spirit and with God, and they produce an overall calming effect. If this sounds like it's something for you, perhaps you can give it a try. If not, we are all different and I'm only suggesting it.
   
   Whatever you find nurtures YOU and YOUR SOUL...do it for yourself. Not only do you need it, you deserve it.
   
   Sending balloons to Kaylee is a beautiful way to let her know you'll always remember her. I believe she hears your messages and feels your love. No matter what, you will always be her mother.
   
   Blessings to you, Lisa. If you ever need to come back, please do. You, and all the women here, and all those who have miscarried or lost a child due to any cause, are welcome with open arms.
   
   Ellen

   Tuesday, May 22, 2007 11:59:29

   Faviana says:
   

   Hello My name is Faviana, about 4 years ago i had a laparoscopy because i had endometriosis and i had to go on the pill to help regulate my periods and to help prevent the endo returning (it hasn't).And my worry was not being able to get pregnant, but the doctor re-assured me that my case was very microscopic and that as soon as i got off the pill when i was reading i'd get pregnant straight away.
   So in february this year 2007 i found i was preganat just 1 month off the pill, so you can imagine my joy, but i was still very nervous because there were so many things that could go wrong that i had never heard of until now. I had all my pregnancy symptoms and i had 2 doctor visitations and all seemed to be going fine so by wk 12 (may 10 2007) i went to the ultrasound with my beautiful sister who is now 36 weeks and 1/2 pregnant and my wondeful partner mark, for support.
   I was so positive that all was fine and that i would be seeing my baby, but just before the doctor commenced the ultrasound i had this horrible feeling come over me and something inside me said don't do the ultrasound because your baby has died, but i was numb and i didn't think out loud so whenthe doctor began we all looked toward the screen and nothing no baby o heartbeat. I just lied there frozen not a word the doctor got nrevous and kept trying to find the baby and measured my sac which was at 6 to 7 weeks in size he was so apologetic and re-assuring that it was natures way of saying that there was something wrong and my boday had to terminate it and that he would see me when i got pregnant again and that it will all be fine and i won'y have a miscarriage.
   I cried and i cried and i still do, i felt so bad for my sister because she i spregnant and the poor thing had to see that, but she has been my rock and without her i think i would have gone crazy, i had a curette (d&c) done on the 14 may 2007, and am awaiting my results to see what went wrong.
   my sister and my mum say that maybe it was too early for me to get pregnant straight after coming off the pill that maybe my body hormonaly was not yet ready who knows.
   It was our first child and i miss having it inside me i had so many plans so many dreams and hopes to give my baby a wonderful loving and nuturing life, but it was taken away. I can't sleep i can't eat i just cry all the time and i pretend to be happy when i'm with my partner and my family.
   i keep thinking if only i knew what was happening and wish that i could have done something and did my baby suffer any pain and that it was all alone with no-one to help.I would rather have lost a leg or an arm or an eye anything rather than have lost our baby.
   I feel so empty and alone and i don't think that i will ever recover, we want to try again but i am so scared that it will happen again that i just could not go through it again.
   I was told i had a blighted ovum, but that's all i know for now.
   so for babling on and making this long, but i don't think that it fair for any woman to have to go through this it's not right.
   i beleive that once you are able to create a miracle of life it you don't deserve for it to be taken away from you and i hate the fact that that's how things are in life and it makes me angry how life can be so unfair like that.
   i'm tryingto get counselling, but the cousellors at the hospital don't call back so i don't know who else to talk to apart from my famil. my sister is having her baby in 3 weeks and i'm excited that i'm going to be an aunty , but it's not fair on her that i always need her shoulder to cry on , even though she rings me everyday to make sure that i'm ok and if i need to talk and that she does not mind , because she said that we are sisters and that a sister is the best friend that you can have and that meant alot. But i just don't feel right i don't want to burden her with my sadness.
   But i've learnt now that family is the best comfort you can find.
   good luck to all of you who are going through the same thing as i am i wish you all the very best.
   
   Faviana

   Wednesday, May 23, 2007 08:22:57

   lisa schrader says:
   

   dear ellen thank you for your support i went to the doctors yesterday he said all my blood work the other hospital did on me was neg for any adnormal genes the other hospital took fluid from me b-4 i delivered and called my husband and said it was chromzonal but did not say what it was for sure this dr i went to also said that they took my diab. sug. test too earlie they gave it to me when i was 15 weeks it came back high not sure if this had any effect on my baby they wont tell me if it did he also gave me prozac to take 20mg a day and said i could start trying to get pregnant in one month im scared to try right now but i know im not getting any younger and my age plays a toll on getting pregnant and having a healthy baby i did get to hold my baby she was only 7 inches long in her whgt. was 3.7 ounces she still was a beautiful little angel my heart goes out to all of the women who have lost there little angels im trying to cope taking it one day at a time god bless love lisa

   Wednesday, May 23, 2007 09:48:37

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Faviana,
   I am so sorry for your loss. Your tears are felt by me and the others here.
   
   You've quite a lot going on- with your recent miscarriage; your grief; and your sister's baby about to be born. I am so glad she is your rock- and you are no burden to her. I understand how you feel because I am so close to my 2 sisters. But, she IS there for you- pregnant or not.
   
   Your fears are certainly understandable, as is your grief. I think before ruling out trying again, you may want to talk to your doctor, get some grief counseling if you can or want to, and give yourself the chance to heal.
   
   Healing seems like it'll take forever, and I'm not here to say it won't take some time. But, you WILL heal- and that doesn't mean you'll ever forget your precious baby. There will always be a special place in your heart for your little one.
   
   One day at a time is all we've got, and each day please try to treat yourself as gently as you can- allowing yourself to feel whatever it is you must. With your strong family ties, I'm hopeful you'll be surrounded by the support you need.
   
   Life does seem unfair sometimes, and we never know why. I felt that way for SO long after I miscarried, and still get into 'funks' today when I wonder 'why' the painful things happen.
   
   We are human and can't help but think that way. It isn't until you reach a place of healing that you begin to realize that you survived a very difficult time and have, perhaps, a slightly different perspective on things. That's not to say you won't get sad over your miscarriage. I'm simply saying that time does change the way we view things- even if sadness still accompanies our feelings and memories.
   
   Right now, you're in a very fragile state and need to give yourself that right. However, for your own sake, I'd like to see you get some outside help if you can't seem to eat, etc. I say this because I am concerned about YOU and your health.
   
   I heard once that you can grieve and still live. It struck something deep within because I've seen people grieve and give up on living almost completely. I think it happens to all of us at first. But, if it goes on for a long time, help is like a lifejacket.
   
   I am here for you- we all are. I pray you find the help you need; the strength to get through your days; the inner knowing that you WILL be healed over time; and the capacity to experience the joy of being an Aunty when your niece or nephew is born.
   
   I know it may be a bittersweet time- I've been there and have felt the overwhelming happiness of a new life while at the same time feeling deep sadness over the loss of the life I once carried. It's an emotional ride, and if you ever need to talk some more, please come back.
   
   You're in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Ellen

   Wednesday, May 23, 2007 09:59:58

   Natasha says:
   

   HI, I'm Natasha & I have just miscarried about two weeks ago. Its my seventh now & each time I find myself pregnant I have deeply mixed emotions. I am over the moon & so depressed & terrified at the same time. People cannot understand the sheer fear of it all happening again. It’s not just the agony of worrying about whether it will work out. Its also how you are treated while you are pregnant. When I lost my first child, I got an older male doctor, who at the time patted my hand a couple of times & said the usual words that I dread "you're young, never mind the next one will be okay." I was 20 weeks. All I had was this baby & the doctor dismisses the life of this child almost like it doesn't matter! What people want to hear are assurances that they didn't do anything wrong, that the doctors will try their best to find out, however remote the possibility, of how or why it may have happened. I didn't get that. I have a thyroid condition & immediately I thought, this was why. All I wanted was some reasoning behind my loss. I went on to have another & another...& each time I was given the regimented speech. No one wanted to listen to ME. What doctors forget to understand is that women know each & every change in their bodies...they KNOW when something isn't right. The patient needs to be involved. They can often give vital information that could change the route that a doctor can take. This is why is it important for patients to understand what is happening to them. The person, not the patient should be treated in this situation. My fourth, fifth miscarriages passed with DNC's also. Each time the baby died between 6-8 weeks. Doctors have then started to THINK that MAYBE there is a problem. After some pushing I was diagnosed with B12 & PA. My seventh & I honestly thought THIS was going to be it. I really let myself be taken in & I fell in love with the possibility that it WILL work for me. My partner who has suffered in silence all this time, tried to keep me from doing this. I resented his behaviour & wondered if he really wanted this baby. No one appeared to be as excited about this as I was. No one seemed to understand the importance of this event. It was fairly quick & easy in relative terms to my other pregnancies but emotionally it has hit me the hardest. I find everyone to be unaffected by the situation. Almost as quickly as I had miscarried, everyone had forgotten about it & my partner becomes almost so quiet that it becomes deafening. You are truly alone through an experience like this. My baby cannot be put aside as though it didn't exist & neither can my feelings. Everything else in comparison seems to be worthless & small to scale.

   Wednesday, May 23, 2007 13:18:43

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Lisa,
   You don't have thank me for my support, but I appreciate your words. We are all in this together. ((((Here's a hug)))))
   
   I am glad you sought some help and are taking an antidepressant. If that works for you right now, it's the right thing for you. It doesn't mean you'll be on meds forever...just a little help when you need it.
   
   I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. The road is bumpy, and you need time. I realize you know this, but also believe I, and the rest of those here, are with you in spirit.
   
   TAKE CARE of you. I know your fears. Give yourself the time you need to get through this period of grief, etc. There's a lot to take in and adjust to. While none of us are getting any younger, when you're ready and the doc. gives you the okay, you'll know whether it's time to try again. Any fears you have you can try to talk out...all we can do is our best and try our hardest to let go of our fears and focus on a healthy pregnancy instead. It's better for you- for your state of mind. It's not easy, I know. I'll pray for you to have your dreams of a baby come true.
   
   Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Wednesday, May 23, 2007 13:47:13

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Natasha,
   I am so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine having seven miscarriages, and my heart goes out to you.
   
   You brought about some points that really struck home with me. I can see why you are able to articulate them so well because sadly, you have lived through this terrible pain so often. Again, I am so sorry.
   
   You said, "All I had was this baby & the doctor dismisses the life of this child almost like it doesn't matter! What people want to hear are assurances that they didn't do anything wrong, that the doctors will try their best to find out, however remote the possibility, of how or why it may have happened. I didn't get that. I have a thyroid condition & immediately I thought, this was why. All I wanted was some reasoning behind my loss. I went on to have another & another...& each time I was given the regimented speech. No one wanted to listen to ME. What doctors forget to understand is that women know each & every change in their bodies...they KNOW when something isn't right. The patient needs to be involved. They can often give vital information that could change the route that a doctor can take. This is why is it important for patients to understand what is happening to them. The person, not the patient should be treated in this situation."
   
   THAT IS SO TRUE. The woman who has miscarried NEEDS and WANTS to be treated as a PERSON who suffered a terrible loss and is grieving, She wants some answers and assurance. She craves validation of her grief and does not need it dismissed or to be given some sort of 'canned' speech about her miscarriage. You hit the nail right on the head, Natasha. I wish you didn't have to, but your wisdom will help others become their own advocates.
   
   Now, after six miscarriages and the hope of this pregnancy finally going to term- you've experienced another miscarriage. If I were there I'd want to be your friend and just give you a hug. I feel so terrible about this and all the pain you're living. You deserve support and need it so much.
   
   Perhaps your partner does not know what to say. Perhaps he doesn't know how he feels or how to comfort you. I'm simply guessing. I am sorry it is this way, however, maybe the two of you could find some support together locally. Maybe a grief counselor. I don't know if he'd be for it. If not, you could go on your own if it feels like something you'd want to do.
   
   Know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you all the comfort and support in the world and pray you don't have to experience this again. If you ever want to come back and just 'vent,' please do. You are welcome with open arms- open hearts and minds. We all know your pain, but you have lived through this more than most. You are free, as are all those here and those who are new, to post as many times as you want. Your words are heard not only by me, but by others who visit.
   
   Wishing you healing, support, comfort and love-
   Ellen

   Wednesday, May 23, 2007 14:01:50

   Dagmar Harris says:
   

   I had an emergency scan yesterday at 12 weeks and my baby had no heartbeat. He/she had died at 9 weeks. I can't even describe the shock and pain. I haven't stopped crying. It's the most terrible grief. I feel guilt. Did I do something wrong? My baby died and I wasn't there to hold or comfort him/her. I haven't miscarried yet, but the pain is awful and frightening. I feel like the sadness will never go away. My heart goes out to all of you who have been through this hideous time too. God Bless.

   Thursday, May 24, 2007 04:09:10

   Maria Micaela Gaya says:
   

   Dear Dagmar Harris,
   I know what I feel for your loss. I also lost my baby last April 25 2007. He should be in his 12th week by then, but they said he died at 7th week. He had no heartbeat, he was my first baby. I never held him, I did not watch him grow in my tummy. I also felt guilty. I did not know how, why did it happen to him. Was it because of my ignorance of his presence that he slowly slipped away? When I had an ultrasound, I was still not bleeding. The doctor had to induce bleeding, a forced abortion on my precious child. IT was very painful to see my child slipped away.
   
   In my case, I am working overseas away from my family and my husband. I am living alone somewhere in Japan until now, even when I was pregnant with our first baby. So I blamed my job, I blamed my decisions, I blamed my husband and I blamed myself.
   
   But then I knew I have to move on. My co-workers were able to help by not mentioning something about my baby. I just focused myself on my job to forget everything.
   
   Let us just think that our baby was not yet meant for us. Surely God has a reason why it has to happen. I am just thinking that my baby fought hard in order to see me, but then God has a greater reason why not. It is possible that God gave us the hope that someday, we will see our baby again. Perhaps when we are all prepared to welcome him.
   
   God bless to all of us.

   Thursday, May 24, 2007 10:58:45

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Dagmar,
   I am so sorry for your loss. I know all too well that terrible feeling of getting an U/S, only to find your baby has passed on to the other side.
   
   It's like a nightmare you want someone to wake you from, but you're already awake.
   
   Please don't blame yourself for this. It is not your fault. Trying to find blame within YOU only hurts YOU. I don't want to see that happen. There's nothing you could have done to have prevented this- and there's nothing you did to cause your miscarriage.
   
   You are grieving, and also your body is going through a terrible time along with your emotions and spirit.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please be gentle with yourself. The road after losing your baby to miscarriage is NEVER easy, and it takes time to heal. But, heal you will, day by day. Please take things a day at a time, and if you need to come back to talk it out some more, you are always welcome.
   
   I want to thank Maria Micaela Gaya for reaching out to you. Maria, you have lived through your own loss, and I am very sorry. I am also touched by your inner strength and faith which enabled you to reach out to Dagmar. Thank you SO much.
   
   When we join together and hold each other's hands, it's a chain of healing and comfort that cannot be broken.
   
   Blessings to you, Dagmar and to you, Maria.
   
   To all of you, I wish you comfort, peace, healing, support and much love.
   
   Ellen

   Thursday, May 24, 2007 11:16:35

   Karen says:
   

   I lost three pregnancies while my husband and I were trying to have our first child. We were eventually blessed with our son, now 19 months. After over a year of trying for #2, we found out we were pregnant again, and we couldn't have been happier.
   
   But, at five weeks pregnant, I had started bleeding heavily. I told my husband we had miscarried, devastated. Much to my shock, I found out four days later that I did not miscarry after all during an ultrasound. I had a blood clot in my uterus (subchorionic hematoma) and that was what had caused the heavy bleeding. Unfortunately, this blood clot could still cause a miscarriage, and the doctor gave us 50/50 odds of having a healthy pregnancy.
   
   At 6 weeks, 1 day, I made a visit to the ER due to a frightening amount of blood loss, "substantial" according to the ER doctor. This time, I did miscarry. And unfortunately, it didn't end there. I continued to bleed heavily for 12 more days. At that point, my hCG levels started climbing again: I was retaining tissue and would need a D&C.
   
   I had the surgery on Friday, and physically, I am now fine. But emotionally, I am far from fine. The miscarriages I had previous to my son's birth were, I thought at the time, devastating. But, the pain I feel now seems to overshadow what I felt before. I look at my son, and I know the potential that this pregnancy had. I see what an amazing human being he/she could have been, and it fills me with a grief that I didn't feel with my other losses.
   
   When I was trying for my son, I was often anxious to start trying again after each loss. I feel an apprehension this time that I didn't before. I wanted a child so badly before, I was willing to try as many times as it took to have one. Now that I have my beautiful son, I honestly don't know if I'm willing to do this again. I know the blood clot was a one-time thing, unlikely to happen again. But even with this knowledge, I am so scared of getting pregnant again.

   Tuesday, May 29, 2007 14:31:06

   Lynn says:
   

   I think i need to put into words how i feel right now but I cant. I miscarried yesterday after trying to conceive for 3 years.My partner and I had a successful 2nd attempt at IUI treatment and were over the moon. I didnt think that anything could go wrong because it took us so long to get here. i mean surely we dont deserve this? We are getting married in September and now there will be sadness on that day. People say it wasnt our time or we can try again. It WAS our time and I wanted this baby not another one. Why did fate deal us such a cruel blow? I dont even have my mother to help me through this because we havent spoke in 2 years. she knows what happened but just obviously doesnt care. I feel so alone.

   Wednesday, May 30, 2007 03:50:29

   Dagmar Harris says:
   

   Maria Micaela Gaya and Ellen, thankyou both for your kind words, and I am so sorry for your losses too.
   
   I started to miscarry on Friday and the pain was horrific. We went to hospital and thought that night that it was all over. We took our baby home and prepared for a burial. On the Sunday the terrible pain started again and we had to go back into hospital. On Monday we had the service for our baby, which was lovely and started the healing process...or so we thought. Then on Tuesday morning, I had to go back into hospital as there were complications resulting from the baby and sack being stuck in the cervix. It seems there may have been two babies although no-one can conform this. I ended up having to have surgery and a blood transfusion. We brought our baby home today. The physical and emotional pain of the trauma of the past week is still so raw. I don't know how I will ever get past this. The feeling of sadness is unlike anything I have ever known. I feel like I'm being punished. Everytime we think nothing else can be thrown at us, something else happens. I wanted our baby (babies) so badly, but I don't know if I will ever be able to risk this again. The fear would be overwhelming.
   
   I hope one day to be able to say something to help another person who has been through what we have, but at the moment it's all too painful. God Bless you all.

   Friday, June 01, 2007 11:37:15

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Dagmar,
   Oh, I can't believe it and am so sorry. Of course your pain is still very raw and I wish there were more I could do for you.
   
   I know in my heart, you're not being punished by God, but I also know it feels like it. I really do. It's such a double edge sword.
   
   Please take care of YOU, Dagmar. I know one day you will reach out to someone in need because I feel it in your words. Your good heart shines through. But, right now, you just take things slowly. It takes time and if you ever feel yourself slipping back a little, know it's all part of grieving your terrible losses and be gentle with yourself.
   
   Know we are all here for you- we are all here for each and that alone is something very important.
   
   Blessings to you and your husband-
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers- as well as your babies.
   
   Again, I am so sorry.
   Ellen

   Friday, June 01, 2007 12:30:42

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Karen & Lynn,
   I am so sorry for your losses. Four pregnancies must be so hard to take. If I could give you a hug I would. The same applies to Lynn.
   
   Lynn, you sound so alone and I feel extremely sad about this. It's lonely enough after miscarriage- even when there are people around you. I wish you much comfort, healing and support. To have the one person who you'd turn to, you mother, NOT must magnify your hurt. Sadly, I don't know what can be done about it, but I'll pray for a restoration of your relationship with her. I hope it's possible so you have her shoulder to lean on. If not, you have your partner and you have all of us. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU.
   
   I hope you don't mind, Karen and Lynn, that I am responding to both of your comments at once. I was out of commission yesterday, (this site was down for a bit), and wanted to get to you both as soon as I was able. I had to work this morning, but am here now- thinking of and praying for you both.
   
   It's never easy to put into words what we are feeling after miscarriage. Especially RIGHT after. For some, the words flow more quickly, and others need time to digest it all before they even know what to let out.
   
   Just know, you are both thought of, cared about, and your loss is validated here. I care about you and what you're living through- and I feel quite confident in saying ALL the women who have bared their hearts and souls at MiscarriageHelp.com feel the same way.
   
   Blessings to both of you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Come back whenever you want. The door is always open- and so are our hearts.
   
   Peace, healing, comfort and love,
   Ellen

   Friday, June 01, 2007 12:41:03

   Cynthia says:
   

   My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 2 1/2 years. When we found out we were pregnant at the end of March, I couldn't believe it-we had been waiting for this for so long.
   I started cramping and spotting a bit at 14 weeks, so I told my doctor about my concerns. He checked the heartbeat and gave me a checkup, and told me that everything was fine. However, the next night, my cramps were getting worse, and I tried to wait it out, hoping everything would be ok. But when my cramps were getting more and more painful and I started clotting, I realized I was contracting and probably miscarrying, and went to the Emergency Room. It was the most painful experience I've ever been through. The nurse checked for a heartbeat, but couldn't determine if it was me or the baby, so she left to find someone from ultrasound. While she was gone, I passed what I thought to be a very large clot, but when I went to clean up, I lifted up the blanket and saw that it was my baby. I started crying and called the nurse, who cleaned me up and took my baby away.
   She came back in a little later, giving me the option to see my baby one last time. It was a perfect little boy. I don't understand why this happened-everything was going fine, and he was so perfect. Why did this happen? My mom contracted while she was pregnant with me, and they gave her medicine to make her stop. I keep feeling like if I went to the hospital sooner, they could have saved my little boy. I shouldn't have waited so long.
   I just need a little help getting through this from someone whose been through this before. Anything will help.

   Monday, June 04, 2007 18:18:12

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Cynthia,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and for the trauma you went through at the hospital. Seeing your baby boy...I can't imagine. I wish you much support, comfort and love.
   
   I know what it feels like to wonder if there's anything I could have done to have prevented my miscarriage-just like you're wondering. If only...I'd gone to the doctor sooner. If only...I'd asked the nurse to do this or that. If only...I (whatever it may be).
   
   All the "if onlys" are a normal way to feel, but a very harmful one. I know why you feel like you do, but I truly don't want to see you hurt yourself by feeling you could have prevented this terrible loss. It's not your fault you miscarried. You did everything you could. You called your doctor. You saw your doctor. You went to the ER when you knew something was wrong. Please don't beat yourself up. You are grieving and that's already so painful.
   
   I say these things because I care about you and know when you try to find blame within yourself to give your miscarriage, losing your little baby, a REASON, it only serves to hurt you emotionally and physically. All the added stress is just no good for you.
   
   Right now, all you can do is take things a day at a time. I realize I say that a lot and there's a reason for it: it's all we have. Some days will be better than others. Right now, everything probably feels like a blur and you may feel a bit detached and numb.
   
   I remember walking around in a very strange state after I miscarried. It was kind of like a cloud was over me all the time and I couldn't break free of it for some time.
   
   I learned later that it was grief-as with any other loss.
   
   Nobody EVER wants to feel sad or go through this. God, it's terrible. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family and your little one in heaven.
   
   Please treat yourself like you would your best friend: be gentle, patient, loving and supportive. Give yourself the time you need to feel and heal. Talk it out with someone if you have to-there's no shame in that. Sharing your heart here today was so important to your healing, and to us. I care about you-we ALL care about YOU.
   
   Miscarriage is a very real loss. You know it and I'd never wish it upon you. If you ever need to come back to share, please do. Day by day your feelings change, and you will never be expected to forget your precious baby. He will always have a home within your heart and within God's Home. You will always be his mother.
   
   Sending you many blessings, thoughts, prayers, and support-
   Ellen

   Tuesday, June 05, 2007 04:17:15

   Ellen says:
   

   Hello Everyone,
   I found this information on the Internet, and felt it was important to share it with you.
   Blessings to you ALL,
   Ellen
   "The APS Foundation of America, Inc. (APSFA) has declared June as National Antiphospholipid Antibody (APS) Awareness Month. We are educating the public and medical community about this disorder, urging people to Get in the Flow! Twenty-five percent of recurrent miscarriages are due to APS; sadly people aren’t tested until it is too late. The APSFA is sending petitions to several states to make June APS Awareness Month. The APSFA will be attending conferences, medical seminars, grand rounds and health fairs to share the patient perspective and provide awareness of APS throughout the month of June and also encouraging the community to Get in the Flow. Individual and APSFA fundraisers will be occurring throughout the country to help promote APS Awareness and help support the mission. Knowing more about APS can make all the difference. Get in the know and Get in the Flow! The APS Foundation of America is proud to declare the month of June, National APS Awareness month. To learn more about this disease, or to support awareness, log onto http://www.apsfa.org. You could help save a life; it might be your own."

   Wednesday, June 06, 2007 12:52:49

   Vickie says:
   

   hi thanks for having a place like this so that i can talk about my baby and feel like someone understands what i am going through. i was 13 weeks and 3 days when i found out that my baby had died. I was going in for my first prenatal visit and they told me they could not find the heartbeat and they told me not to worry because it may not have been high enough up yet to hear it. But later that night i started spotting just a little. So the next day I decided to go to the hospital and the emergency room doctor acted like she didn't believe me, she didn't even have a test done, the first time that she ordered lab work. Then i guess she decided to believe me and finally done a pregency test. Then to make matters worse the nurse that checked for the heartbeat said that she heard it and it was 180 beats, but the doctors said it wasn't my babys heartbeat it was a uterine vein. The nurse didn't believe that's what it was and she checked it two more times and she heard the same thing both times, she even had another doctor and two more nurses to check. Then they sent me to have an ultra sound done and they said it didn't have a heartbeat. And the obgyn there told me it was dead and the next day i had the d&c done. But sometimes i wonder if the nurse might have really heard my babys heartbeat, and it wasn't dead. I even have nightmares about it. I even wish i had opted to come home and have the miscarriage just in case they had been wrong and i'm having a hard time understanding it, because what if they had killed my baby, I would never know.
   Then to make matters worse i have a sister who is pregnant and she is due the same time i was supposed to have mine. She also has three more she gave away and she is going to do the same thing with this one too, and she has done drugs with it and she doesn't even want it which makes me have hard feelings against her because i wanted my baby i even planned it and everything and she doesn't want any thing to do with hers so why is it that she can have hers but i couldn't. I seems so unfair to me.

   Wednesday, June 06, 2007 21:48:30

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Vicki,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss, and for your terrible experience in the hospital. It sounds like a nightmare, and to have the staff checking and re-checking to see if your baby had a heartbeat must have been so traumatic.
   
   You are deep if grief right now... On top of it, you're having nightmares about whether or not your baby was alive when they did the D&C because of all the confusion before they determined your baby had gone on to heaven. Oh, I am so sorry for that, too.
   
   In my heart, I believe your baby was with God when they did the D&C. I pray you believe this in your heart. If your nightmares don't stop, or if you just can't accept that your baby had gone before the D&C, <i>please</i> try to talk it out with someone.
   
   I can't imagine experiencing something like that and know I'd need somebody to talk to.
   
   Making matters more painful is your sister's pregnancy. It's so hard to separate our own walk from that of others. It's clear to me why you feel a certain kind of resentment towards your sister. The whole thing is very sad. She doesn't want her baby, and you just lost your's. Comparing our lives to those we think have what we want hurts us. I know because I've done it. You're in a very close situation because it's a family member who is pregnant and giving her baby up. You must feel like she doesn't know how lucky she is and has mistreated herself and her baby by doing drugs, etc., when you wouldn't even dream of doing that.
   
   There you were taking good care of yourself and you lost your little one to miscarriage. Your sister has not taken good care of herself and is now having her fourth baby.
   
   Your heart has many wounds to heal from. You also have a lot of very painful issues to confront and deal with. With a plate this full, you may want to talk things out with someone if things just seem too heavy. If it feels like you can't move on at all- feeling very stuck- I gently suggest finding some help. It can be a support group, a close friend, a counselor. Whatever works for you. If you have faith, prayer and meditation can do wonders. Again, whatever works for you, Vicki.
   
   While your life and your loss are very separate from your sister's life and her baby plans, I can't help but think of the sad irony of the whole situation: The very thing you want most is the very thing your sister doesn't.
   
   We all walk our own road in this life, and that's her road. You've got your own road to walk, and dwelling on your sister and her pregnancy is not going to help you. I want you to be helped during your time of grief, not hindered.
   
   Each day is a new one, and all you can do is your best. Some days will feel better than others. If you find yourself in a setback, please be gentle with yourself and realize that you're in the middle of sorting through some very painful emotions- on top of your grief.
   
   My thoughts and prayers are with you, Vicki. If you ever need to come back to talk more, please do.
   
   Remember, one step at a time. And, there's no shame in asking for help if you need it. It's a better alternative than staying in a scary, lonely place. I wish I had something better to offer you- but I do offer you my support, caring, concern, prayers and love.
   
   Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Thursday, June 07, 2007 11:14:18

   Kelly Shea says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   Thanks for having this site. I've been reading the comments here and now feel a lot less alone and crazy.
   
   I miscarried three months ago, and nothing is getting better. As hard as I try to move on with my life, each day is a struggle to fight back my tears.
   
   My husband and I were very excited about our baby, and waited twelve weeks before we told anyone. Everything seemed to be going fine until I was about seventeen-weeks. I started spotting and I was so scared. Something inside knew there was a problem, even though I tried to believe otherwise.
   
   I called my doctor and my husband. My OB told me to come in right away and my husband drove home from work to go in with me.
   
   After listening for a heart beat and feeling the spotting increase, my OB did an ultrasound.
   
   Then I found out my baby was dead and probably had been for about a week or two. The sac around the baby was not in tact and the size of the baby was all wrong...far too small.
   
   I don't even think I felt anything at that moment. It was like I was in another world watching somebody else's life. Nothing seemed real to me.
   
   I opted for a D&C the next day under my OB's advice. She said it would be easier on me, my husband, etc., not to miscarry at home. I agreed, but still felt like I was just shaking my head and agreeing to something I couldn't believe had to do with me or my baby.
   
   Here I am, three months later and I'm still crying every day. I get up, go to work and do all the things I have to, but in terms of socializing, etc., I don't feel like having a good time. All I do is work and come home. When I'm home I still do the laundry, cook, whatever, and then I just want to be left alone to watch TV or just sit and cry.
   
   I don't feel like there was or is any closure. I never knew what happened to my baby and after reading your post about options I thought about it a lot. I have to ask myself why nobody told me I could have a memorial service for my baby, or a funeral. All I can picture is my baby thrown out like a piece of garbage and that breaks my heart.
   
   What people don't realize is that I felt that baby inside of me and my baby was loved and very much alive. I talked to my baby and made plans to re-do a room, etc. I even bought a couple of baby things like a few outfits, some blankets and my friend gave me this cute, little stuffed lamb. Just a gesture of what was to be and I loved it.
   
   Now those things sit in a room that's like a tomb. I can't go in there and when I walk past it, it's like something is stabbing at my heart.
   
   I feel so much for all the women here and all women everywhere who have gone through this horror. I never thought about it, ever, and then it happened to me and it's all I can think about.
   
   My husband really wants to have a child and I do too, but am so terrified of getting pregnant. My OB says physically I am fine to try again, but she's concerned with my depression, etc. She's an awesome doc. who cares about how I feel as well as how I am physically. I wish she were the one to do the D&C because I know she would have told me about services, memorial, etc. for my baby. However, she was delivering a baby when a different doc. did the procedure. He didn't talk to me at all other than to tell me the fetal 'tissue' showed no abnormalities and that I could have another baby.
   
   Like that made me feel better. It was like talking to a block of ice.
   
   Thank you for letting me rant. I know I needed it.
   
   All you women here please know I am thinking of you and God, I now know your pain and will pray for you. Please do the same for me. Thank you.

   Thursday, June 14, 2007 11:29:46

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Kelly,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss, and your pain. I know the tears seem to never stop and I was the exact same way.
   
   There were many days, weeks, months...when I'd pick up the one baby outfit I bought and hold it, crying for what felt like forever.
   
   I didn't know when the tears would stop, if they would.
   
   You are grieving and certainly are not crazy for feeling like you do. Miscarriage is such a devestating loss, and you and your husband loved your precious baby very much. Please allow yourself the chance to feel sad, to grieve, to cry. You need to do that rather than hold it all inside.
   
   If you can't seem to function, there's no shame in getting some help. Help can come in many forms: This site is helpful in that you can vent- kind of like letting some of the air out of a balloon that's about to pop. You can talk to a counselor about your pain and grief and perhaps you'll come to understand that you need time to heal. A grief counselor, (like Dr. Linda Backman who contributed to my book), can help you understand your grief and yourself better. Or, maybe there's a support group in your area that you don't know about for people who have lost babies to miscarriage, stillbirth. I know there are some hospitals who have memorial services once a month for parents to honor their baby's memory and short life here with us.
   
   I don't know if any of this helps, but I want to throw it out there for you to think about.
   
   You're doing a great job in that you're able to go to work and do what needs to be done at home. There aren't many people who'd want to go out and have a great time while in the midst of grief. You are one of those people and it's perfectly okay. Please don't expect too much of yourself right now and allow yourself the chance to do what you can, taking things day by day- one step at a time.
   
   I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Many blessings to you, and I do hope you find some comfort during this very sad time.
   
   Ellen

   Thursday, June 14, 2007 11:49:59

   Tippy says:
   

   I had a second miscarraige just a few days back....I went in for an ultrasound and discovered that the heartbeat had just stopped at 6 weeks....the same had hapenned last year. The baby died at 6 weeks. I am surprised at the callousness that people treat miscarraiges especially the medical community. Whereas there is such a furore over abortion and stem cell research, miscarraige is just dismissed as something that "happens." Is it necessary for doctors and nurses to go over the spil of how common they are? Dont they realise that regardless, you lost a part of you, and with it all your dreams and hopes?

   Sunday, June 17, 2007 20:33:04

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Tippy,
   I am so sorry for you losses. It must be so difficult to be going through this again.
   
   I am very surprised at how miscarriage is treated today. You'd think a woman who'd miscarried would be treated more tenderly and with respect for her loss. It's 2007, and there have been books, sites like this one, and support groups which have grown over the years.
   
   Yet, miscarriage still remains almost a nonevent in society- the medical community in particular. While I don't mean to pick out any one group, it's the medical community we are going through this terrible loss with who say things like "it happens."
   
   I can't say ALL the doctors and nurses treat miscarriage with a seemingly canned speech. There are some wonderful, compassionate doctors and nurses. I must ask, however, why aren't there more? Why isn't miscarriage addressed differently? Many of them are parents themselves, and perhaps it would help to put themselves in the shoes of a woman who just lost her baby & the hopes and dreams for her baby.
   
   You are so right in saying you lost a part of you. None of us need to hear how common it is only to be left alone with nothing but our shock and sadness while we wait for either a D&C or a miscarriage at home.
   
   I am glad you found this site, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I know it's a very tough time for you right now, and as you know, you only can take things a day at a time. To have had this happen a year ago must make the mountain seem higher. Know that I am here for you, along with the others here. I pray you're surrounded by friends and family who understand your grief and treat you with the understanding and compassion you deserve.
   
   Blessings to you, Tippy.
   
   Ellen

   Monday, June 18, 2007 06:51:57

   Rena says:
   

   My husband and I just got married in September of 2006. In October we found out that we were expecting our first little angle. We were so over joyed. I always wanted a baby and we felt that God had chose to bless our marriage with a new little life. In December we found out that we were having a little boy. What a great Christmas gift. Then I went in January for my check up and ultrasound and something just did'nt feel right. The nurse could not find a heart beat but they said it probably was just the way he was laying. When I finally got to see the dr. he said he was so sorry but the baby had no heart beat. My heart just broke into a million pieces. I went through normal labor and everything but had nothing to bring home to even show that I had a baby. The people at the hospital were wonderfu. All I wanted to do was bring home my baby, instead I had to leave him in the grave. My arms are so empty. Mothers day came and it was really hard. I want to have a baby so badly. I am mother but my baby is in heaven. I long to hold him and kiss him and smell the baby smells. We are trying to have another but no luck yet.
   I am so happy I found a site that deals with baby loss.I know that I am not alone. That is so sad to say. Wish it wasn't so.

   Monday, June 18, 2007 22:28:13

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Rena,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and how you had to experience full labor. My heart goes out to you and your husband.
   
   Mother's Day would certainly be hard on you. I know just how you feel and also agree that you are your baby's mother but your baby is in heaven.
   
   Your arms feel so empty, and to be honest, that FEELING is exactly how the title of my book came to be: I Never Held You. My arms longed to hold my baby, as do yours. Again, I am so sorry.
   
   All you can do is take one day at a time. You said you and your husband are trying for another baby, and I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   I wish you comfort, healing and support. May your baby dreams come true.
   
   Blessings,
   Ellen

   Wednesday, June 20, 2007 12:09:42

   Nicole Coovert says:
   

   Hello to all,
   My husband and I had infertility for almost two years and never thought we'd conceive again. (we have a three year old little boy) To our suprise we did, April 27 we found out that our dream came true I was pregnant. I went to the doctors and had a US done and I was 6 weeks everything looked good the heartbest was good and strong. Went back for another US at 8 weeks and the tech said that babies heartbeat was arrythmia (abnormal) so I had to return the next week. The doctor was not worried about the arrythmia she thought the baby would grow out of it. Well to our shock when we went back a week later at 9 weeks pregnant there was no heartbeat. The US tech did not tell us but we knew this being my second pregnancy I knew what a heartbeat looked like on a US machine. Also the baby had gotten smaller. we were crushed! when the doctor came in to talk to us she didn't even have to say anything we already knew! we were crushed! wanting a second baby for so... long getting one and then to find out my dreams were crushed. to make matters worse we were suppoused to go to my home (my husband and I are both actuve duty in the Navy) for my brothers wedding so the doctor advised me to just to observe and let mother nature take its toll and let the baby pass naturally. so we were on our way a long 9 hour trip home. I did not want to go at first I just wanted to sit at my house and cry cry my eyes out. but my husband told me it would be better if i went home and was with my mother. he was right it was good to be home and with family. we came home a few day later and I went to the doctors and scheduled a D&C becuase I still hadn't passed the baby. Had the D&C and I decided to go back home. and now I am back at my house and this is my first opportunity to truly deal with this lose. I have been kept busy up at home and my mind hasn't had time to deal with it, and now it is hitting me like a hard rock. Why? why me? i did everything right. something we wanted for so long and just like that it was gone!To make matter worse i come back to my house and two of my neighbors are pregnant. it is so hard for me to even look at them let alone continue a friendship with them. i can't explain the emotions i feel right now! i feel like everyone is telling me well next time or you can try again. that is not what i want to hear, i just lost my child i wanted that child!! that was my baby!! my baby to hold in my arms my son was suppoused to be a big brother.... when will the hurt go away? i know there is no anwser to that! All i can do is hope and pray for all of us here going through this. god bless you all and all of our little angles who are now in heaven!!

   Wednesday, June 20, 2007 20:15:33

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Nicole,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and it must have been so difficult to travel knowing you may miscarry your baby at any moment. I am grateful you could be around your mother.
   
   The D&C is very traumatic, I know. I had one, too.
   
   The answer to the very big "why" question to your miscarriage will elude you as it did me and all the women here. It's so difficult, and it's our instinct to want to know WHY. While you're aware there's no answer, it's normal to ask...to wonder. I spent a long time wondering why.
   
   You are grieving and deserve to be treated as such. Words of compassion go a long way.
   
   All of us here understand your pain. I want you to know that with each day, as you begin to heal, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could say when your pain will end. Grief is different for everyone.
   
   When the days are brighter for you, I know that you will never forget your precious baby and there will always be a special place in your heart for your son.
   
   Blessings to you and your family. Please feel free to come back to MiscarriageHelp whenever you want. Everyone is always welcome here with open arms, and understanding hearts.
   
   Ellen

   Thursday, June 21, 2007 12:10:36

   Keira (UK) says:
   

   , but that does not mean that i feel anyless the loss of this baby that i so longed for. the costant reminders, bleeding "hope your scan went well email", work colleagues that mean well but hurt. I dont know the place I am in right now, all I know is that I don't like it and am struggling, really struggling to get through this time. I have never, never felt so low.

   Thursday, June 21, 2007 16:18:45

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Keira,
   I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you get this message and please come back to complete the rest of your comment. It seems the beginning didn't go through.
   
   However, I certainly get a sense of what you're feeling, and it's certainly a scary place to be.
   
   People often say things with the best of intentions. They don't mean to be hurtful, yet their comments are. I believe it's because so many don't really know what to say to a woman who has miscarried. That's why this site, and others like it, are so important.
   
   You are understood here, BY everyone here. Creating miscarriage awareness will give people the tools they need to understand a woman's heart and soul after she's miscarried. It's such a painful experience, and we DO GRIEVE just as with any other loss. I think that's the biggest 'thing' people must understand. A miscarriage is losing a baby... period. All the depression, grief, etc., is present in our lives and we struggle, just as you are, to simply get through the day.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and do hope you come back and submit your comment again. It doesn't need to be the same. Vent, share, whatever you wish.
   
   Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Friday, June 22, 2007 05:03:20

   Irma says:
   

   Hi,
   I misscaried actually at 22 weeks about a little over 3 weeks ago. I dont know if it is called miscarriage or premature labor. My husband likes to think of it as a miscarriage and I tell him that i actually gave birth. We both deal differently with it. He doesnt like to talk about it and I need to talk about it. First I was feeling very bad and very guilty about it. I have what is called a Short or Incompetent cervix. I do have a daughter that i went in full term with her with the same problem. So, b4 we decided to get pregnant we had an app with a High Risk Pregnancy Specialist and by his advice it was decided that we dont put a corclage because of my god history with my daughter. My cervix gave up and the baby came out at 22 weeks. I was fine after my doc said that it looks like you had a placental abruption and i was not feeling guilty, but yeseterday she told me that it was my cervix. I feel so guilty and mad at my self and doctors and everyone else. I was not in a total bedrest like i was with my daughter, no one helped me with the house work, my husband & I were toooo condidente that this would go as smooth as it went with my daughter. Were we all wrong. The guilt wont let me continue and i am crying day & night those couple of days from guilt. I know what to do for the next pregnancy, but i feel that i killed this child..

   Friday, June 22, 2007 09:40:43

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Irma,
   Oh, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your husband. I'm sorry he doesn't want to talk about it. I can certainly see why you have to talk it out.
   
   First, please hear me when I say you did NOT kill your baby. I know I'm not a doctor, but you did everything as you thought you should. The SPECIALIST said he didn't feel you needed to be on total bedrest. He also didn't feel the
   corclage was necessary.
   
   You are not the expert. You relied on the medical advice of an expert who told you thing would go fine. Please don't forget that. You had a rough first pregnancy in terms of bedrest, etc., and for some reason this specialist thought you didn't need to treat your second pregnancy the same.
   
   Blaming yourself is just heartbreaking. Irma, it'll eat you up if you continue. I really don't want to see that happen to you. Of course you are grieving, and I suspect you will be for some time. You didn't suffer a miscarriage, you suffered what I liken to a stillbirth. It must have been a nightmare and I pray that you get the support and comfort you need.
   
   There's no shame in asking for help if you find, after a period of time, you're unable to get past anything. If you feel yourself sinking deep into depression and feel there's no light, please ask for help. It's out there...waiting if you want it.
   
   However, right now I can't imagine you not grieving as you are; feeling depressed, etc. These terrible emotions come when we lose something we love...you lost your baby and you should be treated as such. I pray those who talk to you understand what you're living to the best of their ability and they don't try to 'push' you too hard. You have to take things one day at a time, and give yourself the time you need to heal.
   
   It may be a while. I can't place a time frame on grief.
   
   Just know that my heart goes out to you, Irma, and I will certainly keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Remember: It was NOT YOUR FAULT.
   
   Blessings,
   Ellen

   Friday, June 22, 2007 13:57:02

   Worst Thursday says:
   

   Yesterday was probably the worst day of my life. When I finally got home after a nightmarish day of pain and confusion, all I wanted was to be alone and snuggle with my son. There were 4 messages on my answering machine when I finally got in. I wasn't at work and people wanted to know why. I dread going back to work. I dread looking my friends in the face. How do you face a firing squad of questions after something so horrific?
   
   I know people want answers, but I don't want to give them. I don't want to relive yesterday. I don't want to talk about what happened. I don't want to recount the events that led up to the most horrible soul crushing feeling I've ever experienced. I don't want to remember what it's like to feel my child leave my body before they should. At least yesterday I had valium. Today I have nothing but my sorrow and anger, and I just want to forget. I want to forget that my second child will never be. That I don't get to nurse again. That I don't get to experience the fist giggles and the first smiles again.
   
   My mom, bless her heart, made the calls I just couldn't make yesterday. But a friend called me today and I made the mistake of answering the phone. She's the first person I had to tell.
   
   " What happened? were you bleeding a lot?... God works in crazy ways sometimes. It just wasn't meant to be. You were having problems with the daddy anyway..."
   
   The words out of her mouth made me cringe... Thank you, "friend" for reminding me that this wasn't a planned pregnancy. Thank you for telling me that I should be relieved because now I don't have to worry about being a working mother with two kids to juggle instead of one. And besides, being a college educated woman with a good career, it would have looked bad if things hadn't worked out with this childs father. So I'm now "spared the embarassment" of potentially being a single mother with two kids by two fathers.
   And I am so angry that this ever happened. And I am so angry at myself for not being happier. Maybe that's why it happened. Because I didn't deserve this baby. I was scared. I was worried about money. I was worried about making things work with my irresponsible boyfriend. I was so stressed that I'd come home and hold on just long enough to put my son to bed before I'd break down and sob. But this baby was mine, and I was going to make things work somehow. Money would be tight, but I make enough to handle it. And I was going to love this baby and I was going to look into their eyes when I held them for the fist time and fall head over heels in love, just like I did with my son.
   
   My pain is real, whether I'm an unworthy person or not.
   
   I put my son to bed tonight and we sang twinkle twinkle little star. And I lost it and started to cry, because that sweet little 3 year old voice reminded me of just how much I cherish my son, and how I would have cherished the second baby the same.
   
   But Baby Sean or baby Allison is now with God. And if I didn't have my beautiful son Trenton, I would be too, because he's the only reason that life is still worth living with the remnants and the reality of this painful experience.

   Friday, June 22, 2007 22:56:38

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear "Worst Thursday",
   I am so sorry for your loss and all you've been through. When I read your message, my heart just ached for you, as it does for all the women here.
   
   You know, you're so right about nothing else mattering except for the grief you're experiencing and your baby being lost to miscarriage. The answer as to why, the worries you carried, your relationship with your boyfriend- all that matters right now is the pain over your loss and taking things one moment at a time.
   
   I am grateful your mother was right there for you to answer the phone. I can understand why you didn't want to talk to anyone. Saying the words over and over, only to hear, perhaps what you did from your friend, hurts too much.
   
   I don't think your friend meant to hurt you. I think she tried to find the right words, and like so many other times with women everywhere, the words were not "I'm so sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can do for you?" No, sadly her words told you exactly what you didn't need or want to hear.
   
   I heard them, too, and they felt like knives stabbing at my heart.
   
   I thank God you've been blessed with your little boy, Trenton. I know it doesn't take away the pain of your miscarriage. They are two separate things. However, he loves his mommy so much and you love him, and that little guy is there for you on so many levels through his unconditional love for you. He doesn't even realize what a little blessing he is.
   
   You had a horrible experience- you lost your baby. You are grieving and I pray you're able to treat yourself gently, giving yourself time to heal. Healing does not mean forgetting. It means healing-period. The days will get better, I promise you, but there's time involved as with any other loss.
   
   I know you will always have a special place in your heart for baby Sean or baby Allison. Matter of fact, I wear a necklace made for me in honor of the son I lost that says, "Always in my heart" on one side, and has baby footprints on the other. I got it from myforeverchild.com and it's the first thing in almost sixteen years I've ever had that is a tangible reminder of my precious son. I wear it all the time.
   
   I wish you comfort, love, support and healing. I know the road is difficult, but I'm always here for you, as are the women who have shared their hearts on this site. You can always come back whenever you feel the need to vent, but don't want to talk face to face with anyone. It's often easier when we're in such pain to let it out to the Universe, instead of keeping it bottled up.
   
   Blessings to you, and please take care of YOU. Again, I am SO sorry for your loss.
   
   Ellen

   Saturday, June 23, 2007 06:21:17

   Lorrie says:
   

   Hello to everyone,
   I have visited before ( a couple of times)I just wanted everyone to know that I had two miscarriages and my last one was this past February of '07. The pain of losing these childen is with me every day but I can say I have learned to cope with this to others advantage. Showing those how you can work thru it and never forget your child.I'm very proud of myself because like so many of us, I didn't think the pain could ever be tolerable. This site truely is a healing process and keep reading the other stories and writing your feelings. Soon you'll see how far you have come by reading the other stories and being able to reach out to these other women.I have been corresponding to a couple of women from this site and it is just as helpful to me as it is to the women. i may be working thru my loss, but I am still here for everyone who is just now going thru this.I have not forgotten my children lost and I have not forgotten any of you. I feel all your pain and I pray for you to be able to work thru this. I've posted my e-mail on one of my posting if you need me. I read every other day and I felt compelled to reach out again. God Bless All of You!!

   Wednesday, June 27, 2007 07:02:26

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Lorrie,
   As you know, I am so sorry for your losses. I also admire your strength as you heal and reach out to other women in need. YOU are truly an inspiration.
   
   Thank you for sharing not only your story of miscarriage with others, but for opening your heart to those who could use someone to talk to. The way you've connected with some of the women on this site does my heart good, and I'm sure does many people so much good.
   
   I feel blessed that you've come to MiscarriageHelp and have worked hard at traveling the journey through your pain. I know you're still in the healing process. It's amazing and beautiful that you are also helping others do the same, even though you still hurt.
   
   God Bless You for reaching out to others, and may God also give you the continued strength you need for your own healing, and for the healing of others. I'll share your message on my Amazon.com site so more women will know they've got a friend named Lorrie who knows their pain, and is there for them.
   
   If we all join together, it gives us strength...amazing strength.
   
   Blessings to you and yours,
   Ellen

   Wednesday, June 27, 2007 07:26:37

   Kris says:
   

   Monday I had my 10 week appointment. First time actually meeting doc, and I brought my 4 year old w/ as she is so excited about being big sister.
   
   Doc started in on all the tests recommended for my age, 35 next week, and started going over the different ones. I interrupted and asked if I was pregnant as I am just not feeing it. No morning sickness, no heartburn, nothing really. She did a vaginal ultrasound and suspected a miscarriage if my dates were correct. My dates are absolutely correct. She then ordered a level 2 ultrasound at a different location and I was to go there Tuesday. Sent me off to get some bloodwork to check my levels.
   
   My husband missed work and we went Tuesday morning. At first the u/s tech gave me some hope when she said the sac only measures at 7 weeks, and to come back next week. I said my doc is suspecting a miscarriage and I really can't wait. I asked if it was possible that the sac just stopped growing as by my dates I should be at 10 weeks. She couldn't answer of course as she is not a doc. She then did vaginal u/s and was measuring something in sac, but I couldn't really see anything and could not see anything at all on docs orig vaginal u/s. The tech was then very quiet and didn't say anything. She left for about 10 minutes, came back and said the doc will get w/ me w/ results. Didn't sound too encouraging.
   
   Wednesday morning had to get 2nd round of bloodwork to see if my hcg levels increased like they needed to or decreased indicating miscarriage. They had decreased and the doc called me w/ the news. I went ahead and scheduled D/C for Thursday morning. That night I freaked out w/ 2nd thoughts, and called the on call nurses through docs office. The sweet nurse assured me I didn't have to do it, but based on all the results she knows the doc would not suggest this w/o going over everything very carefully and would order more testing if she thought there was any chance.
   
   Thursday morning, we head to the hospital and talk to the doc again. Told her about my freakout and she said I could definitely wait if I wanted to but w/ the declining numbers and the lab u/s it is a miscarriage as the lab u/s showed fetal demise at 6 weeks. I went ahead w/ procedure and am feeling ok, physically that is.
   
   I have never been through this before and it is awful. I had such an easy, wonderful pregnancy w/ my dd who is 4, I just assumed this one would be too.
   
   The doc says I can try again immediately after getting a period, and I will. I am defintely not telling people until after the 1st trimester if there is a next time. Other than the miscarriage itself, this has been the hardest part, telling all my close friends and family about this.
   
   My stepson that lives w/ us knows about it, he is 13. Haven't decided how or even if we are going to tell dd. She is only 4, and as long as I get pregnant right away, she won't know the difference in 9 months or 12 months really. I don't know though. My husband doesn't want to tell her at all, thinks she is too young and doesn't need to know. Any thoughts or personal expreiences on this?

   Friday, June 29, 2007 04:01:00

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Kris,
   I'm so sorry for your loss. Along with your grief, you're wondering how to handle your miscarriage with your four-year-old.
   
   That's a full plate, and I'm not sure I'm the one to give any advice because I don't have children.
   
   I do have a five-year-old niece, however, whom I spend a lot of time with. I was just with her yesterday.
   
   It amazes me how smart kids are today. I'm sure you know that with a 4 yr. old daughter. I can imagine my niece always asking me about being pregnant, if I were. She's like that- very curious and never forgets a thing.
   
   Speaking for myself and my close relationship to my niece, I'd probably have to tell her because she'd be asking me about the 'new baby' all the time. I'd find a way to tell her the baby went to heaven, and Mommy is sad about it. But, maybe someday Mommy and Daddy will have a new brother or sister for you.
   
   I don't know if that's how to handle it. I honestly can't say if there is a right or wrong answer. I'm hoping others who have been in your shoes can help out here and give you some advice. Women who have miscarried with children around who were old enough to know Mommy was having a baby.
   
   I know this must be so heartbreaking, and I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I'll also post this message for others on my Amazon.com page. The more people we reach, the more likely we are to get you some words of advice from women who have lived the same.
   
   Blessings to you, Kris. Please feel free to come back whenever you need to vent, and to check for some answers from other women to your question.
   
   Ellen

   Friday, June 29, 2007 08:24:53

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Kris,
   I'm so sorry for your loss. Along with your grief, you're wondering how to handle your miscarriage with your four-year-old.
   
   That's a full plate, and I'm not sure I'm the one to give any advice because I don't have children.
   
   I do have a five-year-old niece, however, whom I spend a lot of time with. I was just with her yesterday.
   
   It amazes me how smart kids are today. I'm sure you know that with a 4 yr. old daughter. I can imagine my niece always asking me about being pregnant, if I were. She's like that- very curious and never forgets a thing.
   
   Speaking for myself and my close relationship to my niece, I'd probably have to tell her because she'd be asking me about the 'new baby' all the time. I'd find a way to tell her the baby went to heaven, and Mommy is sad about it. But, maybe someday Mommy and Daddy will have a new brother or sister for you.
   
   I don't know if that's how to handle it. I honestly can't say if there is a right or wrong answer. I'm hoping others who have been in your shoes can help out here and give you some advice. Women who have miscarried with children around who were old enough to know Mommy was having a baby.
   
   I know this must be so heartbreaking, and I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I'll also post this message for others on my Amazon.com page. The more people we reach, the more likely we are to get you some words of advice from women who have lived the same.
   
   Blessings to you, Kris. Please feel free to come back whenever you need to vent, and to check for some answers from other women to your question.
   
   Ellen

   Friday, June 29, 2007 08:25:29

   Lorrie says:
   

   Dear Kris,
   I to have children, four and eleven. I miscarried this past February and my children were fully aware of what happened. I took great comfort in having our whole family in the healing process. My four year old was my strength and understood more than I thought she would. I would be crying and she would come over and tell me she was sorry the baby died. That's more than any adult had done for me and here i sat getting comfort from a four year old. My son (11) was sad and has learned the importants to talk and heal as a family. Unfortunatley, losing a loved one is a part of life and my children have learned not to be afraid to express your feelings and how important it is to acknowledge some one elses pain. I think it was more painful for them to watch me not progress and when I stopped trying to protect them from my pain, I started to heal in a more healthier manner. This is what I have done and I'm glad I did, but you must decide for your family. I wish you and your family well.

   Friday, June 29, 2007 15:08:26

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Lorrie,
   Thanks so much for helping by sharing your experience with Kris. You're such a thoughtful person.
   
   Many Blessings to your and your family,
   Ellen

   Saturday, June 30, 2007 06:37:27

   Just Realizing says:
   

   Hello,
   It's been many years since my miscarriage, and this is the first site I've come across, (actually by accident), which talks so candidly about miscarriage. Reading all of the messages here bring up so many of my emotions and makes me realize I never dealt with them.
   
   The honesty shared on this site has made me think about how much pain I was in after my miscarriage over ten years ago. With a one-year-old, I was so busy I didn't give myself the chance to grieve. But, I know I was depressed and snappy all the time. I attributed it to just being 'tired'- and suddenly I see it was so much more than that.
   
   I suppressed so much pain, and I do remember sitting on the bed and crying until the baby woke from his nap and I had to get him. I remember so well the feelings I had while holding him and thinking that the baby I'd lost was just like him, but gone.
   
   My husband never really wanted to talk about it and neither did anyone else in my family. I did get pregnant again and had a baby girl. It was only four months after my miscarriage when I conceived.
   
   I can see the business of my life back then- raising two babies and running all the time. Other than the day I cried so hard over my miscarriage, I buried the pain. It never went away, though. If it had, I wouldn't be here now writing all this.
   
   It almost seems unreal- like it didn't happen to me. I think that's some sort of defense to protect myself from realizing my baby died. When I say the words and admit I suffered a real loss like the rest of the women here, I feel and sadness and a relief at the same time.
   
   It's been ten years since my miscarriage, and ten years of migraine headaches. I wonder if the two are connected? I believe that when we hold things inside they can show up in other ways, i.e., stress, headaches, stomach problems. I feel like I am just beginning my healing after miscarriage and it's been a decade since it happened.
   
   Thank you for having a site like this. And to the women here, thank you for sharing all of your feelings and stories. I know it's heartbreaking, and they were very painful to read, but I know you are letting out your pain and have found a place to do it. It's better than holding it all in and living with denial like I did.
   
   I count my blessings every day; especially my beautiful children. That includes the one who lives in heaven.
   
   I wish you all the best and hope you find healing. I believe you will because you have expressed yourselves. It's so important not to wait. Take it from me.

   Saturday, June 30, 2007 13:48:27

   Cassie says:
   

   I had a miscarriage yesterday. I was only 6 weeks along, and I'm 42, so I knew the chances of the pregnancy lasting were very slim, but I was overjoyed when I found out I was pregnant. I don't have any children and people have been telling me for years, "you've got plenty of time" or "you don't really want children anyway - they're a lot of work". I wish one person would say "You've got every right to want a child, just as every woman has a right to want a child, and you are running out of time. I understand." My partner had agreed to letting nature take its course because he really did not believe I would get pregnant. When the test was positive, he reacted by telling me he didn't want the child and that I should terminate the pregnancy if I cared about him. I was in shock and disbelief. I know that probably the reason I lost this pregnancy was a chromosomal abnormality, but I also can't help thinking that getting that upset might have had something to do with it. Anyway, I was visiting relatives whom I had not told I was pregnant, and they have an adorable two-year-old. It was awful to be there as I bled, knowing that I would soon experience intense cramping and I would lose my baby. When I called my partner crying, he didn't understand why I was so upset. Men are so incredibly insensitive and self-centered! He also told me when I found out I was pregnant that we would use birth control from now on, so I don't have another pregnancy to look forward to. This was my very last hope for a child, for a family of my own, and now that it's gone, I'm devastated. Life seems so meaningless and empty. If anyone else tells me I didn't really want children anyway at my age I think I'll scream at them, "Then why don't you give your children away?!" I have to go to the doctor tomorrow for follow-up tests, and I'm dreading seeing all those pretty young pregnant women who have lives to look forward to and husbands who might actually want to be dads.

   Monday, July 02, 2007 19:07:27

   Ellen says:
   

   Testing comments

   Tuesday, July 03, 2007 06:40:59

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Cassie,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss. I understand how you feel being 42 and believing this was your last chance of having a child. Add that to the grief you're experiencing, and it's a very full plate.
   
   As a 41 year old who wants a child, I can relate to your story on many levels.
   
   I feel terrible about those who said things to you like "You don't really want a child, anyway." I don't believe these comments were meant to hurt you, but they did and people must be aware of what they say to a woman who has miscarried. You just lost your baby and they should see it as such!
   
   Right now, there's so much going on in your life. Emotionally, your head must be spinning. You are grieving the loss of your child, the potential loss of motherhood, and are probably hurting over the insensitivity of your partner.
   
   Cassie, you've got a very full plate. And, Cassie, YOU'VE GOT EVERY RIGHT TO WANT A CHILD.
   
   Take things a moment at a time. Regardless of how your partner feels, YOU have the right to grieve and need to. Please talk to your doctor about pregancy if you haven't already. It may not be too late, and there are other options.
   
   If you ever want to talk to me personally, I am here for you. My boat isn't much different from your's- age, situation, being childless.
   
   In the meantime, I wish you strength, hope, healing and support by those who love you. You have all the support it the world here, but I know it's different when you actually have a person to talk to face to face. I pray you find someone sympathic to your grief. Perhaps there's a support group right in your area, or even in the hospital, for women who have miscarried.
   
   Blessings and healing to you. Remember, we are here for you always.
   
   NOTE: It can be very difficult for a woman who is in her early forties (all other women, too, regarless of age), to accept the possiblity of never being a biological mother. I emphasize women in their early forties because of Cassie's story, my story, and so many others. Magazines and tabloids seem to have story after story about celebrities who are beginning their families in their early forties. I feel bombarded by it every time I go into the local drugstore or supermarket. The media, etc., paints a picture of pregnancy in one's forties as being very reachable and possible. The thing is, while it's possible, many women have undergone fertility treatments, etc., which cost quite a piece of change. Often, this isn't mentioned. While I wish them the VERY best, and pray they and their babies are healthy, women should be aware that if they wait too long, pregnancy becomes more difficult for most women. It's not exclusive to celebrities. Women often begin their careers, etc., before starting a family. After reaching a comfortable place financially, they decide 'it's time' as they feel their biological clocks ticking. While I see their ambition as very admirable, they should be more aware of the increased risks of either not being able to become pregnant, and/or the increased risk of miscarriage.
   
   Ellen

   Tuesday, July 03, 2007 06:48:26

   Cindy says:
   

   Dear Ellen and Everyone,
   
   First, thank you for this site. I've been spending the better part of the morning reading the comments and having a cry or ten. But, I do feel much less alone.
   
   My miscarriage happened about four months ago. I've never felt like any healing has taken place. In part, I believe it's because nobody wants to talk about it, including my husband. He doesn't know what to say and sort of blows me off when I am down, crying, etc. He asks me what's wrong, and when I tell him, it's as if I had the plague! I don't know how to turn to him anymore. Actually, I've realized I can't.
   
   There's really nobody else around to talk to, and this site has connected me to women who feel just like I do. That does help. I think I needed to read all of your stories to help me deal with everything going on in my head.
   
   I've been grieving, but in silence. My co-workers are like friends, but I don't feel comfortable bringing any of this up at lunch or over a drink after work, (occasionally).
   
   I'm an only child and don't live near my parents. My husband and I moved about a year ago due to his job. So here I am in a strange place with no friends nearby to talk to. I've spoken on the phone to my best friend back home many times, but how many times does she want to hear about how sad I am? She's very understanding, and I wish she were here to just sit with.
   
   My neighbors seem nice enough, although they are very private people. I take walks in the neighborhood and get an occasional hello from somebody, but that's it. Plus, most of the women I've seen are around my age, (mid thirties or so), and have kids around them all the time. Especially now that school's out. I feel like I've got nothing in common with them.
   
   The pain of losing my baby at three months is unbearable some days. I cry all the time over he or she and long to have a baby so badly it hurts. Because my husband and I are not communicating about my miscarriage, I don't really feel like being close to him. So, how do I have a child if we're not intimate? That's something we've got to work on, and I don't know how to stop resenting him for not being there for me when I need him most.
   
   Thank you all for listening. This is the worst thing I've been through and until now, I felt completely alone. I hope you all do well and heal from your terrible pain.

   Monday, July 09, 2007 08:52:15

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Cindy,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and can imagine how alone you must feel.
   
   I'm glad you found us at MiscarriageHelp.com. I know it's not the same as having a close friend by your side, but we are all with you in thought and spirit.
   
   Your tears are cried for a reason: you're in pain and are grieving and I know it 'stinks'. What seems to be a communication 'block' between you and your husband is not helping at all, and if possible, you may want to gently suggest seeing a couples counselor or someone you're comfortable talking this out with. With the distance I sense growing between you, it's only adding to your struggle to get through this.
   
   I've been there. My ex-husband and I just didn't talk about my (our) miscarriage. It was terrible. I don't think he knew what to say or how to handle my grief- never mind his own. I mistook that for him not feeling much of anything. It certainly didn't make us any closer. It's sad, but true.
   
   Each day brings with it the opportunity to heal. Each day allows you to grow, feel, and work through your feelings about losing your baby to miscarriage. It's a process that takes time, and I know you probably wish it could all happen sooner.
   
   For each of us, grieving after miscarriage is different. I can't place any time frames on grief. What I will say is that you'll find the days becoming easier to get through- and if coming back here to vent, read more women's stories, etc., helps, please come back. If you and your husband can't connect on this subject, please consider seeking some help for yourself.
   
   I did, and there's no shame in it. I'm glad I sought help. There was so much to digest and I was literally overcome with grief, a marriage ending- you name it.
   
   The world after miscarriage feels like a very scary place. Often, you don't even recognize your life anymore. It's as if someone took a paintbrush and covered your view of the world in gray.
   
   Cindy, please give things time. You will never forget your precious baby, and you don't have to in order to heal. Your baby will always remain in your heart, and watching over you from the Heavens.
   
   Blessings to you and please take care,
   Ellen

   Tuesday, July 10, 2007 10:07:49

   Jennifer Roberts says:
   

   I was so happy when i found out i was pregnant. We weren't planning to get pregnant but it happened. My husband never wanted to have kids but when he found out i was pregnant he was very happy and very scared. Everything was going fine no morning sickness or anything. Suddenly, at 6 months pregnant my body decided that it's time. That fatal night we went to the hospital and they tried to do everything to stop the labor. But nothing worked, after few hours i delivered a beautiful baby girl but she was very small and the doctor's decided to let her go. I'm still grieving my little angel. We named her Sienna. She would be about 6 months old now. The hardest thing is that my sister had her boy 3 months ago and when i look at him i always wonder how will my baby look like now. Even thought it all happened almost a year ago it still hurts. We are trying to get pregnant but it isn't happening and i don't know why. My husband says it will happen when it's time but i begin to wonder "am i ever going to be a mom?"

   Friday, July 13, 2007 21:50:15

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Jennifer,
   I am so sorry for your loss. Being six months along and losing your baby- my heart truly goes out to you. Sienna is a beautiful name, and I'm sure your precious daughter is watching over you and is always with you.
   
   Of course you are still grieving your baby girl. There's no time frame on grief, and I certainly understand how your sister's baby triggers so many emotions about your own baby and loss.
   
   A year isn't very long. It feels it some days. Matter of fact, I'm sure it feels like forever sometimes. No matter how much time passes, you'll never forget your Sienna, but you will heal over time. The two are very different; healing and remembering. You can still grieve and live. You can heal and live. You can remember and live.
   
   I know it's not easy.
   
   "Am I ever going to be a Mom?" Boy, that's a question I can relate to on many levels. The fact that you and your husband are trying and both want to be parents, makes my heart believe you will be. I know it's not a guarantee, but I pray your dreams of parenthood come true. For you and your husband.
   
   Please be gentle with yourself and realize that you can take each day as it comes. Some are better than others, but you're still grieving and healing. Give yourself that and it's okay if you sink a bit sometimes. It doesn't mean you're having a 'setback'. It simply means you feel and hurt and it's got to come out.
   
   I'll keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers. Please come back to MiscarriageHelp.com whenever you want. We are always here for you.
   
   Blessings,
   Ellen

   Saturday, July 14, 2007 08:58:50

   Leah from WV says:
   

   This website and "I Never Held You" have been a great help through the healing process. My husband and I have been married for five years and wanted to expand our family. We just assumed we would be pregnant and everthing would go smoothly. However, after four pregnancies and no babies we were sadly mistaken. We did not take time to grieve. Why? Every doctor that treated us during our miscarriages made us feel like it wasn't a big deal and it happens all the time. Just wipe away the tears and get over it, basically. After I had a panic attack and cried all the time, we decided to do some research on the web. We bought the book, which my hubby and I both read. And realized this is a big deal, our babies died and we have the right to mourn those losses. It's been almost a year since our last loss. Even though we still think how old our babies would be now and then, we're in a better place Thank you Ellen.

   Tuesday, July 17, 2007 12:10:43

   Leah from WV says:
   

   This website and "I Never Held You" have been a great help through the healing process. My husband and I have been married for five years and wanted to expand our family. We just assumed we would be pregnant and everthing would go smoothly. However, after four pregnancies and no babies we were sadly mistaken. We did not take time to grieve. Why? Every doctor that treated us during our miscarriages made us feel like it wasn't a big deal and it happens all the time. Just wipe away the tears and get over it, basically. After I had a panic attack and cried all the time, we decided to do some research on the web. We bought the book, which my hubby and I both read. And realized this is a big deal, our babies died and we have the right to mourn those losses. It's been almost a year since our last loss. Even though we still think how old our babies would be now and then, we're in a better place Thank you Ellen.

   Tuesday, July 17, 2007 12:11:10

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Leah,
   
   I am so sorry for your losses, and the emotional ride of disappointment and hurt you and your husband have been through.
   
   It does my heart good to know that I Never Held You and MiscarriageHelp.com have proven to be of some help. Sadly, neither the book nor this site would exist had I not lost my own baby.
   
   In a way, this site in honor of ALL our babies lost to miscarriage. Something positive had to come from all our tears. An awareness that the babies we lost were JUST AS REAL as the miscarriages we suffered is starting to take hold.
   
   To be basically 'blown off' by your own doctor after your miscarriages is terrible. "Just wipe away the tears and get over it, basically."
   
   Yes, you have the right to mourn your losses- and should. Without grief, how do you truly heal? I know you and your husband will NEVER forget your precious little ones, but healing doesn't mean forgetting. It's a process, as you are painfully aware. I suspect you'll always think about things like how old your babies would be, etc.
   
   I still do, and my son would be sixteen years old.
   
   Oh, and boy can I relate to your panic attacks. Actually, you may have read about my experiences with them in my book. Scary. So scary. Miscarriage is very traumatic and the more doctors are aware of this, the more they may see miscarriage as a catalyst for anxiety, depression and the like. When this happens, more women and their families will be helped.
   
   Thank God there are some very compassionate doctors out there.
   
   I pray for your dreams of a family to come true, Leah. How you reach that goal is to be seen- there are various roads to examine. But, I wish nothing but the best for you and your husband, and will always keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Thank you for letting me know where you are on your healing journey. Knowing you are both in a 'better place', (I know it's still tough), inspires me, and will probably inspire others here.
   
   Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Tuesday, July 17, 2007 12:40:41

   Stacey says:
   

   Dear Ellen and all the people here,
   
   I'm writing not because I've had a miscarriage, but my best friend has and I don't know how to help her.
   
   She has withdrawn, even from me, and this is a first. I've tried to be close to her; call her; drop over; etc. When I call, she talks briefly on the phone and then needs to go. I've gone over and she just lays on the couch with the tv on, most of the time looking like she's been crying.
   
   I feel awful. I don't what to do. No matter what I've said, and I try to say the right thing like I'm sorry, or ask if there's anything I can do or get her, I just get a no thanks from her and she seems so unreachable.
   
   I've read your stories, and my heart aches for all of you. I know my friend feels like many of you, even though she hasn't been able to put it into words.
   
   I am so worried about her. It's been about two weeks and she hasn't gone out unless necessary, (to get food in the house). She works part time and she hasn't been able to work at all. She and I get together several times a week, even if it's for a little while to watch a movie, or go for an ice-cream; whatever. None of that has happened.
   
   I don't expect her to want to go out and have fun right now. I know she is grieving. I've told her I know she is and I truly believe she has lost her baby and I understand why she's so sad and depressed. But, I fear her health is at risk. She hardly eats and barely moves off the couch.
   
   Her husband, whom I've known for just as long as my best friend, is very upset. He can't reach her and has asked that she get some help. He wishes for the answer, but can't find it, just like me.
   
   We've talked about,(my friend's husband and I), him setting up an appointment at a counselor's for the two of them and then telling her about it. He'd just take her, but knows he can't force her.
   
   Do you think this is a good idea? Does my friend just need more time to grieve before she can take even little steps again?
   
   Thanks for listening. Again, I am so sorry for what all of you have been through. I hope you heal and feel better soon.
   
   God Bless You.

   Thursday, July 19, 2007 14:09:57

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Stacey,
   I am sorry you feel so helpless in assisting your best friend. I know it's a tough place to be and your heart is good and full of love to care so much about your friend's welfare.
   
   I am glad you found this site and were able to read what other women feel. I believe it gave you a better insight into what your friend is experiencing.
   
   Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to suggest, when the time feels right, that your friend come here and read the feelings of other women. Maybe it will gently nudge her to express everything she's holding in. It sounds like she's holding a lot in.
   
   Everyone deals with grief in different ways. Some of us need to talk about our pain, while others need to be still and quiet for a while before they are able to talk about it. Still, there are those who grieve and never talk about it. Like I said, we are all different.
   
   You and your friend's husband are so caring in thinking about counseling for your friend. However, I don't think it's something I'd just spring on her. I'd talk to her about it first. Surprising her with something like that may make her angry. I don't think her anger would be true anger. I believe it would be hurt, confusion and grief mixed.
   
   Right now, your friend has isolated herself and it's probably all she knows how to do. It may be her way of dealing with her loss- losing a baby is on of life's most difficult challenges to overcome.
   
   However, please don't give up hope. There is hope for your friend and she has to find it within herself. If she's not eating, gently encourage her to do so. I'm sure you have, but maybe you could bring over some chicken soup, etc., some comfort foods, for her to have in the house. That way, when she feels hungry, she won't have to bother making something. She can just heat it up and eat.
   
   If she continues to lay on the couch on not eat much, I would have her husband get her to her doctor. Her primary doctor is fine. From there, a referral to a counselor, etc., would take place. She probably as a follow-up scheduled soon, anyway.
   
   I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help to you, Stacey. But, I hope I've been of some. You are doing so many things 'right'. You are showing your love, care, concern and are not dismissing her grief or her miscarriage in any way. THAT is so important. You validate her loss, and even though she's not showing it, that's very important to your friend.
   
   God Bless, Stacey. Please come back anytime and let us know how you are doing. Please let us know how your friend is coming along.
   
   Blessings to you,
   Ellen
   
   PS- If you believe in prayer, pray for your friend's healing. Prayer is VERY powerful, and there's not a right or wrong way to pray. You don't have to be of a particular denomination. As long as it's for the good, it's wonderfully effective, calming & healing for both you and your friend.

   Thursday, July 19, 2007 14:20:37

   Bree-Ann says:
   

   Dear Ellen and all the ladys here,
   My name is Bree-ann and I am recvering form a miscarrige. On May 16th 2007 the day after my daughters first birthday we found out we were going to have another baby. I was not happy about this to be completly honest. I went to the doctor and found out that I woud be due on January 20 2008. I was 6 weeks pregnant and had a U/S everything was fine. I went to the next Dr app on June 29 2007 and heard the heart beat 160 BPM. everything was fine By now I was starting to get a little more excited about being pregnant. On July 4th 2007 I got a cold that turned into a sins infection. On July 11 I had a follow up app for that. We herd the heart beat again 165 BPM. The Dr daid that baby seams to be doing great. On July 16 2007 I started spoting called the Dr and told them I am 13 weeks pregnant and spoting the told me that they wanted to see me first thing in the morning. On the morning of July 17 2007 we went to the Dr and the couldn't find the heart beat. Emediltly they sent me to the hospital for a U/S the Midwife who I normaly see came with us. At the U/S they couldn't find the heart beat and the baby wasnt moving I was mesuring at 13 weeks and 3 days. They took us back to the office to tell us our options. We decided that we wanted to have the baby at the hospital so I wouldnt be at home alone when the baby passed. We got all hooked up the mechines and they enduced my labor I was trying to be so tuff through all this not to cry in front of people. I started cramping and haveing really bad pain so they started to try to control it. This pain was so bad I have had a child I tryed to go as long as possible with out getting anything for pain with her. But this was different with her I new I was going to devliver a healthy 6 lb baby, but this time I was hurting so bad and going to deliver a dead baby. At around 6:30 pm I had Landen Joseph a boy a tiny baby boy I got a quick look at him, because I just couldn't bare to think that it was not all that long ago that I didn't want to be pregnant so maybe this is all my fault. Maybe this is gods way of punshing me for not be happy to begin with? After I delivered the baby I was checked every 20 min for the next 4 hours for the Plecenta. At midnight they told us that I would have to have a D&C So I was weeled down to sergry put under the anstesia and my uters compleatly vacumed out. Well I was sent home from the hospital only to go home to a 14 month onld who keeps pointing to me belly wanting to know where bubby is. I cryed some yesterday and today I am just numb. I am not sure what tomorrow will bring but I am glad that I found this site to help me through this horible time.

   Thursday, July 19, 2007 15:53:27

   Kim says:
   

   Thank you for the site, it has really helped. I lost my baby at 11 weeks and had a d&c on May 4th. My doctor and nurses and everyone at the hospital were so kind. I had three miscarriages before my three childred(10,6,4) were born and this definately was more devastating because I know now what I am missing out on. Before I had children, I didnt know what it was like to hold them, nurse them, and care for them. I really struggled with this loss and thought I would not be able to go throuhg this pain. Two friends are due the same week I was and I was also due on my daughters birthday. I couldnt get past the thought of how this could happen again to me. I am able to go out and see other pregnant people and babies without crying. I have found my strength in God, who has been so good to me. I dont want this loss to define me or hold me back from being there for other people. I decided to make my pregnant friends know that I am ok and that I am happy for them and that they can talk about their babies with me. This isnt always easy but it actually helps to reach out to others. I want everyone to know that people arent always going to understand how you feel and sometimes they are going to say hurtful things and want you to hurry up and get over it. Just find someone who understands and bond with them as a friend, that is what I did and the funny thing is, the lady who cares about my feelings the most and is there for me happens to be my pregnant friend. Thanks again for the site

   Thursday, July 19, 2007 18:36:57

   elizabeth says:
   

   My name is Elizabeth Murphy and I dreamed of the day that I took the pregnancy test. When it came back positive i was so excited. I of course told everyone. My boss told me that I shouldn't tell anyone because of the risk. Well everything was going great until two days ago. I say that i had spotted one night and immediatly called the doctor the next day. They told me to come in and have an us and blood work which i did. The us tech just did her job and left the room. all she told me was i need to talk to the nurse. They scheduled me for an appointment for the this morning. I knew to prepare myself for the worst but everyone said it cant be anything bad b/c your not having any symtoms of a miscarriage. Well they were all wrong and i found out this morning that i had miscarried. Now all i can do is pray. Its tough and i pray for anyone who has ever and will ever experience this heartache and pain. i really dont want to go back to work i just think it will be hard considering im a preschool teacher and my boss likes to prove she knows it all

   Thursday, July 19, 2007 18:53:17

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Bree-Ann,
   I am so sorry for your loss and the terrible experience of delivering your baby when you knew he was already with God.
   
   Landen Joseph is a beautiful name and I know he will live in your heart and in spirit forever. Healing does not mean you will ever forget him. It takes time, and I know it hurts a lot.
   
   One thing I want you to believe with all your heart: this was NOT your fault. It doesn't matter if you weren't very excited about being pregnant. It doesn't matter that you were confused about having another baby so soon after your first. You see, no matter what, nothing you did or didn't do caused your miscarriage. It's kind of our way of finding a reason for it- blaming ourselves.
   
   When I was pregnant, I was shocked. It really was a surprise. Although I was excited, my ex-husband felt very ill-prepared and pretty much expressed that.
   
   Many years later he told me he felt so bad about how he reacted and also said something to the effect of "be careful what you wish for..." In other words, he kind of blamed himself because he wished not to have our baby. Now, I believe in the power of thought and I know we create our reality through our thinking. BUT, not everything is in our control. There's our free will, and there's God's will, a Divine will, the Higher Power's will: whatever you're comfortable calling a power greater than yourself.
   
   I'm saying the curt, typical phrase to you, i.e., this was meant to be, or it was God's will. No. That is not what I mean. What I am saying is that your miscarriage- however you felt about being pregnant, is NOT your fault. That would be like me saying it was my fault I miscarried, and I'd also be saying it to all the women here. It's just not true so please, stop beating up on yourself. I hate to see you hurt yourself even more when you're grieving the loss of your precious son.
   
   It doesn't help you and if it serves only to hurt you when you blame yourself for your miscarriage, it's not a healthy thing for you to do.
   
   Healing takes time. You've got to give yourself what you need and focus on your healing. That means whatever it does to YOU. If you need to cry, then go ahead and let it out. If you just need some time and can get it for mental health reasons, do it. One step at a time; one day at time. It's all we have and just pace yourself and please don't place any expectations upon yourself other than that of healing.
   
   While you heal, you grieve. Sadly, it's part of the whole process. A process none of us ever want to go through. Know we are here for you always. You can always come back and we will listen. I understand the pain and emptiness you feel. I've cried the tears you've cried. All of us have, and you are cared for more than you know.
   
   Blessings to you, Bree-Ann. Take care of YOU.

   Friday, July 20, 2007 06:07:27

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Kim,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and I admire you reaching out to others while you are healing. You seem to be finding it helpful, and there's so much truth to that.
   
   Your statement about not letting this loss define you really hit home with me. Often, we are so consumed with pain that we DO let our loss define us. It's easy to do. When we're in pain, it can be so overwhelming it becomes our entire life. I believe your faith in God and the strength you derive from your faith are helping you a great deal.
   
   I am so glad to hear how you were treated while in the hospital. It's a refreshing change to hear about caring doctor's, nurses, staff, etc., and I feel you were blessed with such wonderful people.
   
   Reaching out to others DOES help, and I know it's not always easy. You have clearly stated how I personally feel about helping others through your own pain. You are turning an adversity into a strength, and in the process, you are growing stronger yourself. That's why I wrote my book and why this website exists. Although it took me a lot longer to reach out to help other women who miscarried, I did, and find my own healing to be deeper. You may think because I miscarried so many years ago that all my healing would be done by now.
   
   Not so. There were certainly moments when I'd get caught up in my pain. I'd remember my miscarriage; think about how I have no children; feel a bit sorry for myself; and ask the big why question. However, for as much as I'll never forget my baby boy or scars left behind after my miscarriage, I will forever be grateful for being able to reach out to those who are suffering now.
   
   Together, we are making a difference. I've seen women from this site reach out to others and it's inspiring.
   
   Your comment is inspiring, too.
   
   I wish you many blessings, and continued strength and faith along your journey towards healing yourself, and others in the process.
   
   Ellen

   Sunday, July 22, 2007 06:12:16

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Elizabeth,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss, and I'm also sorry that you were left alone after your ultrasound and told you needed to speak with a nurse.
   
   The wait after your ultrasound must have felt like an eternity, and I believe you should not have been left alone with no comforting, or at least reassuring, words.
   Too often things like this happen and I still don't get why so many people don't 'get it.' What I mean is this: A woman who just lost her baby, or thinks she has but doesn't have conclusive results, is often left to the wolves. Any ultrasound tech, nurse, etc., be they parents or not, can show a degree of compassion. I don't think it's too much to ask.
   
   Poor Elizabeth, and the same applies to anyone who was left alone in a cold room awaiting the news of their baby's LIFE. Would a few kind words really hurt? Would it be too much effort so say, in this case the ultra sound tech, "Please try to relax. I know this is difficult. I'll get the nurse for you."
   
   There you have it. They are not words promising anything. There's no inappropriate commitment or diagnosis made.
   
   What Elizabeth needed to hear were just a few words of kindness. A gentle tone of voice, etc. That's all. That's what all of us who have been through miscarriage need to hear. We are not just numbers, and our babies are not 'nothing.'
   
   Elizabeth, I'm sorry I went off a bit there. I feel for you going back to work and facing a boss who 'knows it all'- but your boss has nothing to do with you personally: your loss, your grief, your life. Your boss signs your paycheck and is simply your boss. She has no business in your affairs-outside of the school. As long as you do your job, you don't have to allow her into your personal life.
   
   While working with people who are 'difficult' can cause strain, you can also make the choice NOT to let her get to you. You have that control, and I know it's tough. When people know what buttons to press, they do it more when they see it gets to you.
   
   You do not need anybody in your space who is going to make your grief and healing more difficult. That negative energy is not good for you. Please try to separate yourself from your boss, if not physically, mentally. If she says something hurtful, try to ignore it and get busy. At least give it a try-for your sake. She will learn very quickly that her tactics are ineffective. She will see she can't press your buttons anymore.
   
   You've got enough on your plate, and I know your prayers will help give you strength. I will also keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   All we have is one moment at a time. Take those moments and do the best you can. Please give yourself the chance to grieve, and you don't owe your boss an explanation as to why you are hurting. If she can't figure that one out, she has a tremendous amount to learn about human compassion and respect.
   
   Blessings to you, Elizabeth. Please keep the faith.
   
   Ellen

   Sunday, July 22, 2007 10:43:40

   Lorrie says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   It's me, Lorrie, again but this time I'm here to say I just miscarried again. I was nine weeks and one day and had a really stressful day the day before. That morning I woke feeling not right. I knew there was something wrong. I expressed that to my husband but he felt I was being paranoid due to our last miscarriage this past February. I really can't explain what I felt I just knew something was not right.Later that morning I started having bad pains and ended up rushing into the doctors for an ultrasound. Unfortunately there was no heart beat. The doctor was very disappointed due to all my blood work being so high. He said he really does not get why this one did not survive. I'm in a different place this time but still completely heart broken again.The doctor wants us to try again, he feels it really was just a bad roll of the dice.We are not sure what we are going to do. Anyway, our family is healing again and my son is now in South Carolina with his dad not knowing just what happened. His dad is part of the problem. I have surrounded myself with good people this time and I feel this healing process will be better.I pray for all of us experiencing this pain and we will heal in time.god bless all of you!!

   Wednesday, July 25, 2007 08:51:15

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Lorrie,
   
   Oh, I am so sorry. When I read your message, I couldn't believe it. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   Please take your time and when you're ready, you'll know if it's right for you to try again. I am glad you seem to have a doctor who is sympathetic. However, I certainly understand why you're unsure of what you're going to do.
   
   Yes, you've begun yet another healing process, and I pray being surrounded by more positive energy will help you. Positive energy can do nothing BUT help. The negative is just plain harmful.
   
   You've been so strong for others, and here you are having to muster up your faith, energy and more to go through the pain of miscarriage again. Lorrie, I am sending you all the positive thoughts I can.
   
   Please know I care very deeply about you and your pain, and all of the women here, (the men who have posted, too).
   
   I wish you healing, love, light, and God's blessings.
   
   PS- Here's an affirmation I say every day, many times a day. Perhaps it will help:
   I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonius and happy.
   
   I learned this from reading and watching The Secret. It's actually quite an old affirmation, (I forget the author), but it is said to encompass all the elements of Universal Law (God) and because of that, is supposed to work by creating these things in your life. All I know is that I repeat it whenever my mind tells me to, and I also have it taped to my mirror.
   
   Again, many blessings to you, Lorrie.
   
   Ellen

   Wednesday, July 25, 2007 10:23:51

   Rose Cameron says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   
   Thank you for such a welcoming place to come to. I miscarried about one year ago and am now pregnant again. I am having complications (bleeding) and there is a 50% chance I could miscarry again. I am already anticipating the grief I may have to deal with again. I am really not ready to open up that wound again. That first miscarriage was the most painful experience I have ever had in my 40 years. Not only did I hemorrhage but I was hospitalized with a hemoglobin of 8.0. I was very ill.
   
   I feel blessed that I have a son who is now five years old but this pain is so overwhelming. I haven't given up yet but I feel so down. My husband is supportive and is sad too. If we lose this one, we will try again but I wonder how long I can go on this roller coaster ride of emotions. Please send us your positive vibes and words of hope. I could really use some words of inspiration. I believe everything happens for a reason and that good things lie ahead for us. Help me stay focused on that.
   
   Thanks in advance.
   
   Blessings, Rose Cameron

   Wednesday, July 25, 2007 13:16:58

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Rose,
   I'm so sorry for your miscarriage a year ago, and am sending you many "positive vibes" as I type this. I am picturing only a positive outcome for you.
   Right now, you're in a very uncomfortable place. Please try and focus on the good things that lie ahead for you and your family- as if they are happening now. I know it's not easy, but I know you can do it.
   
   There are many others who read the posts here, and their hearts are full of love and compassion. I ask them to send their positive energy, prayers, to you.
   
   One day- one moment at a time.
   
   Please, (and this is tough), try not to focus on your loss last year. I'm not saying to forget it, that would be impossible & I'd never expect you to. Where you've already lived the terrible pain of miscarriage, all the feelings are sadly familiar. Please try to push those emotions gently from your mind if they creep in, and visualize the positive outcome you want.
   
   I will pray, pray, pray.
   
   I am glad you found comfort here with all these wonderful, understanding people. Please come back whenever you want. I am here for you. We all are here for you.
   
   Many Blessings to you and your family,
   Ellen

   Thursday, July 26, 2007 06:42:06

   Lauren says:
   

   I find it wonderful that women can come together and finally speak about the unspoken "m" word. I miscarried when I was 17, in 1999, about 4 months pregnant.. I was devistated and it stayed with me for years. Then in 2003 I found out I was pregnant again. Happy and yet so apprehensive towards carrying another child. I feared everyday that I carried this new baby. He was born April 1, 2004. Perfectly healthy! My lil man on April Fools day! Now at the age of 25 I had another miscarriage, I was 6 and a half weeks. I am very numb and sad, not to mention unable to speak to my family or partner about it. I find the grief almost unbearable and turned to drinking, to which I quit very quickly remembering that my 3 year old son needed a sober mother. It did not help to try and mask the feelings nor does it make it go away. Each day I pray that I will feel normal and "me" again. God Bless all of the little Angels.

   Saturday, July 28, 2007 01:05:17

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Lauren,
   I am sorry for both of your losses, and also apologize for not responding right away.
   
   Your grief must be even more difficult because you can't talk to your family or partner about your miscarriage. I am glad you found us, because we ARE here for you and care about how you feel.
   
   I certainly see how feeling so isolated can lead to drinking and thank God you realized it wasn't the way to go. Drinking often makes pain even worse- and you're little son does need a sober mother. I admire your strength and ability to pull yourself out of that hole before it got too deep.
   
   You know, it'll take some time before you feel like you again...but, you will. However, I believe you'll be a changed 'you' because something like miscarriage changes us. It leaves a mark upon us and we can't help but be different.
   
   Every experience in life does that. The good ones, and the terrible ones.
   
   With each day you're walking down the road to healing after your miscarriage. I do wish you could talk to someone instead of internalizing all of your feelings. If you can't, please come back and share whatever you want. You are always welcome here.
   
   Take care of yourself; be gentle with yourself; and many blessings to you.
   
   Ellen

   Sunday, July 29, 2007 07:26:24

   Amanda Morse says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   I want to thank you so much for this site and for your book.
   
   Reading the stories of the women here has made me feel so much less alone. It seems nobody around me understands my pain, including my husband.
   
   He's been very reluctanct to talk about 'our' miscarriage. It's as if he doesn't know what to say and really doesn't understand me, my feelings, etc.
   
   I'm not blaming him. There's an ignorance about miscarriage and what it truly does to a woman, (and her family). This ignorance is fed by more ignorance. Sites like this one are making it possible for us to educate everyone on just how life altering miscarriage is, and how real a loss it is.
   
   My life's been turned upside down for the past month since my miscarriage. I've been depressed, physically ill, and mentally drained. This was my first pregnancy and I'm in my late thirties. Of course I am very fearful of it happening again, or not being able to get pregnant at all. My doctor has assured me I can get pregnant. He not not assured me I will not miscarry.
   
   My heart goes out to all the women here. I would suggest if you're having a tough time with your husband or partner, trying to get them to sit and read some of the comments here. I did, and since then my husband has finally got the message. Miscarriage HURTS deeply and he sees he lost a REAL BABY, too. Because of that, he is much more sypathetic to my need to grieve and for all of my messed up emotions right now. I'll be fine one minute, and sobbing the next.
   
   Again, many thanks to you. I have never endured such pain in my life, and I pray to God I never will again. To all the women here, I pray you find peace and healing. I truly feel for you.

   Monday, July 30, 2007 13:52:32

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Amanda,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss, and thank you for sharing with us the help this site (and book) are providing.
   
   It certainly hurts more when nobody seems to understand you, especially the one closest to you. Having your husband read these posts seemed an effective way to help him 'see' how painful miscarriage is. I think he proved how much he cares about you and your baby, by sitting down and reading these comments.
   
   You mentioned the word ignorance, and I believe that's a very big part of why many women who have miscarried are perceived as 'not really grieving'. Ignorance simply means someone doesn't know something. You enlightened your husband, and he's no longer ignorant to your pain. Quite possibly, his own, too.
   
   Being in your late thirties certainly doesn't mean you can't have children. My sister was in her mid-thirties when she had my niece, and a couple of years later, my nephew. She didn't miscarry, but there were some concerns and they did not have to do with her age.
   
   It's difficult, but I don't think any doctor could guarantee there would be no miscarriage. Sadly, that's how it is.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please give yourself time as you travel down the road to healing and recovery.
   
   Blessings to you and your husband,
   Ellen

   Tuesday, July 31, 2007 06:26:58

   rebecca says:
   

   i was only 4 weeks...I hadn't told anyone i thought i could be preganant...I made an appt to see my doctor later in the week, but I started hurting and cramping two days before my appt. i ended up in the ER and my doctor confirmed but told me my pain was my body rejecting the baby...every pain was a reminder that the life inside me that had barely begun, was dying. it has been a month since my miscarriage...the reality of it all has set in and I am overwhelmed with greif...i feel so alone...

   Tuesday, July 31, 2007 10:11:39

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Rebecca,
   I am so sorry for your loss. It doesn't matter whether you were 4 weeks or 14, the pain and grief are the same.
   
   I am sorry the ER doctor told you your body was rejecting the baby rather than saying you were having a miscarriage. Either way, it's very painful, but the 'rejecting the baby' part seems a bit harsh. It probably wasn't said with that intention, but it's harsh just the same.
   
   I know, as do all the women here who have posted, how alone you feel and overwhelmed with grief. Please try to take things a day at a time and KNOW we are all here for you. A month after my miscarriage I was NOT fine- I was still grieving and felt terrible.
   
   Please come back whenever you want. I am here, we all are here...for YOU.
   
   Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Tuesday, July 31, 2007 10:55:12

   Lorrie Corr says:
   

   Hello Ellen,
   I guess I'm at a loss because of this last miscarriage. I really felt I was in a better place to heal this time. To my surprise I have again found myself struggling for others to underdtand the hurt and disappointment of this loss. It's as if everyone was expecting me to miscarry. When people have been told about the loss, they act as if what did we expect since we just miscarried in Feb. 'o7.Just because I just lost does not mean I am immune to the pain or I have hardened to it. My husband and I feel very isolated to the world because we know and understand the devastation we just experienced and everyone acts as if well you knew the chances this time. I was being moniti=ored closely bacuse of he last miscarriage and the doctors are stumped why this really happened again. He even said how disappointed he was and really did not get why it happened. I know I am capable of healing again but I am really at a place where I just want to get rid of all the bad in my life and cut people loose from us. Is that a bad thought to just cut people out of your life because of the badness (even if they are family) ?? My strongest weakness is not learning to let go. I always felt if you really care for some one you hang in there even through the bad. But when is enough, enough?? I feel I need to make a change in my life to change all the bad that has happened. Is that normal to feel this way? So many questions and not enough right answers I know.I was proud of myself of how I let myself feel to heal. So why does that make me ok to deal with this one with no problem ( in everyone's eyes)I know I am a strong person but I just was brought back to my knees again and now everyone feels, oh she'll be ok. Will I be? Thank you for letting me vent, I am extremely angry, hurt,sad,confused,empty.
   Lorrie

   Tuesday, July 31, 2007 20:04:17

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Lorrie,
   I am so sorry for your loss AND for what you're going though again. You are SO right in that just because you miscarried before doesn't mean you don't feel the pain this time. Perhaps, even more because you've been through miscarriage already.
   
   I am so sad for you and wish there were something I could do to make it somehow better...or easier. However, we can't forces people to understand what they simply don't know. Sadly, we can't walk other people's walks and change the way they think.
   
   People around you who don't 'get it' do make the pain worse because you want them to simply understand that you're grieving. All you desire is some compassion. You're asking anything out of the ordinary or for anyone to go above and beyond. You just want some sympathy for your loss.
   
   And, by God, you deserve it.
   
   Cutting people out of your life is a tough one. I've been thinking about what you said, even while I was at work this morning, (helping out a friend).
   
   See, I've learned that no matter what, when negative people are around me, I can do one of two things: Allow their negative attitude to bring me down, or ask for protection from their negativity- as if I'm placing a white, protective ring around me. I choose the latter. I can't make people change their outlook or thier beliefs. I can change my ability to allow their energy to get to me.
   
   In a way, changing your life to offset the bad that's happened is not a bad idea. However, changing your life doesn't always mean cutting people out of it. It means, to me, making changes in you and the way you think. The way you think determines how you feel.
   
   You're not going to stop grieving because you make efforts in changing your thoughts. What you will accomplish is this: Other's people's lack of compassion and sympathy won't get to you so much if you don't allow it to. That alone will make your road a bit easier. I can't say it will take away your pain...of course it won't.
   
   You have to work with yourself in getting through this the best you can. When someone seems cold or oblivious to your hurt and needs, just focus on your faith, on those who DO care about you and your grief, and just let those other people walk their road. It's not easy, but they cannot control your pain, your grief, whether or not you hurt, etc.
   
   You've just miscarried and it hurts. If there are people in your life who don't understand that, then please don't expect them to- at least not right away. Each time you do; each time you reach out to someone you know doesn't get your pain, you are setting yourself up for more hurt. You don't need that right now or ever.
   
   Lorrie, I've done it, been there, and KNOW exactly how you feel. It's like you want to say, "Hey! What's it going to take for you to respond to me the way I need you to right now?"
   
   I read my own words and can't believe how many times I've said that or thought it. Each time I ended up feeling more hurt because I couldn't make anybody understand me who didn't want to or simply couldn't.
   
   So, I stopped looking for support where I couldn't get it. Thankfully, I had friends and family who were there. But, there were many others who didn't understand me after my miscarriage.
   
   People's energy effect us more than we realize. When it's great, positive energy it is so healing. When it's negative, cold or distant energy, it's so harmful.
   
   If you need to get out and away from negative energy around you, even if it's in the yard, on the steps, sitting on the deck, whatever...do it. Allow yourself to feel the Divine, healing energy within yourself and the positive energy of those who do care- even if you don't know them. My energy travels to you and I send you nothing but caring, healing energy.
   
   Your feelings matter a lot more than those around you who don't get it. Your focus needs to be on your healing. If you need to find a support group, do it. If you don't know if there's one around you, check with your doctor. Maybe he/she knows of one. Many hospitals have miscarriage and baby loss support group meeting once a month. Not many people know about them because they are not promoted enough.
   
   My friend's departed husband used to say, "How do you eat an elephant"?
   
   "One bite at a time".
   
   That's all you can do. One day at a time. One moment at a time. Things are overwhelming right now, and to take it all on will probably make you feel even more overwhelmed. That includes trying to figure out why people around you don't give you what you need in terms of emotional support.
   
   Remember...You have every right to grieve and heal no matter what anyone else thinks or feels. Period.
   
   Sending you loving thoughts and much healing energy,
   Ellen

   Wednesday, August 01, 2007 13:33:49

   Marie says:
   

   Hi there
   
   I started bleeding when i was 8 weeks pregnant and i was really scared, my midwife did all she could to help and i had 2 emergency scans, 1 at 8 weeks and another at 9 weeks.My baby was fine on both of them, moving around and had a good heartbeat. It bought alot of relief but i was still really concerned about the bleeding.
   
   At 10 weeks i ended up in the hospital and as i was lying on the bed i literally felt my baby tear away from my body, as i walked to the toilet i just knew that this was it and it was.......... my baby dropped into the toilet.
   Iv never cried so much before, all i wanted was a health little baby.
   
   The day after i lost the baby i went in for an operation to clean the rest of me out as there was still quite alot of clotting still in me.
   
   2days later my doctor rung to tell me i had a low blood platelet count :( 6 weeks on from my miscarriage i have had 2 blood tests and they have come back normal but im scared that in my next pregnancy that i will have low platelets again and will result in losing another baby, i couldnt handle that again as i hit rock bottom last time.
   
   Please is there anyone that can help me that has been through the same thing or knows anything about having low platelets while pregnant, please email me on talaya.m@hotmail.com

   Friday, August 03, 2007 20:56:35

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Marie,
   I am so sorry for your loss. What you went through in the hospital must have been so terrible, and I pray you find the strength inside to heal from the images and feelings you endured when you lost your precious baby in the hospital.
   
   I also am here for you, as are the others here, as you grieve. Please know you can come back whenever you want.
   
   Talking to someone who had a miscarriage due to a low platelet count would be of some comfort to you. I think you'd have less fear about a future pregnancy. I wish I could help in that area, and I will post your message in a visible place. Hopefully, we'll get someone to contact you who can give you some reassurance and information based on their experience.
   
   Although this information is impersonal, (something I don't particularly care for, but thought it would be a start in understanding your platelet issue), is below.
   
   I searched the Internet and found this:
   http://patients.uptodate.co...
   "Phospholipids are a type of fat that are present on blood cells and the lining of blood vessels. In some people, the immune system develops antibodies to these phospholipids. Antibodies to the phospholipids increase the risk of developing blood clots in the veins or arteries. However, some people have these antibodies and do not develop clots.
   
   People who have these antibodies and develop blood clots are said to have a syndrome called the antiphospholipid syndrome (APS). Antiphospholipid syndrome is an autoimmune disorder, meaning that it occurs when the body's immune system mistakenly attacks healthy tissues and organs.
   
   APS is more common in women and in patients with other autoimmune or rheumatic diseases, particularly systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE). APS is referred to as "primary" when it occurs alone, and as "secondary" when it occurs in association with another disorder.
   
   Miscarriages — In women with APS, antiphospholipid antibodies can increase the risk of miscarriage or stillbirth. (See "APS and pregnancy" below). http://patients.uptodate.co...
   
   APS AND PREGNANCY — Pregnant women with APS have an increased risk of developing a thrombosis (blood clot in a vein or artery) and having a miscarriage compared to pregnant women without APS. They may also be at risk for other pregnancy-related complications, including preeclampsia and decreased blood flow to the fetus. Several treatments are available to reduce these risks. Treatment depends upon the woman's previous history of blood clots, miscarriage, stillbirth, preeclampsia, and her current antibody levels. For women who have antiphospholipid antibodies but no history of blood clots or miscarriage, treatment may or may not be recommended.
   
   The following is a general description of available treatments.
   
   Aspirin — Low dose aspirin may be used for pregnant women with APS in combination with other treatments, including heparin injections. Low dose aspirin can be started before the woman attempts to become pregnant, and is usually stopped sometime after 36 weeks of gestation. Aspirin can be restarted after delivery, and is usually taken for at least six to eight weeks postpartum.
   
   Heparin — Heparin must be given as an injection, either in the skin or a vein. Most pregnant women who use heparin are taught to give their own injections in the skin.
   
   There are two types of heparin, unfractionated and low molecular weight heparin (LMWH). Unfractionated heparin must be injected twice per day and has a risk of causing excessive bleeding, a low platelet count, and osteoporosis. LMWH is usually injected once per day and has a lower risk of excessive bleeding, low platelet count, and bone thinning (osteoporosis) compared to unfractionated heparin.
   
   Heparin is usually started once pregnancy is confirmed and is usually stopped temporarily for planned procedures (eg, amniocentesis, cesarean section) and when labor begins. It is usually restarted after delivery. Either heparin or warfarin is recommended for six to eight weeks after delivery.
   
   Warfarin — Warfarin is not usually recommended for pregnant women with APS because of the potential risks to the developing fetus. If warfarin is used, it must be stopped before 6 weeks of gestation. It may be restarted after 14 weeks of gestation and is again discontinued by 36 weeks of gestation. Another anticoagulant (eg, heparin) is usually recommended when warfarin is not used."
   
   Again, the URL is here:
   http://patients.uptodate.co...
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please treat yourself gently and know you are thought of and cared about by so many people who understand your pain, including me.
   
   Many Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Saturday, August 04, 2007 04:16:19

   Angela says:
   

   Dear Ellen
   
   I just wanted to come back to you after posting my first message back in April. Thank you so much for your kind and caring responses at that time, I was grateful for the time you took responding to this and it helped me to get the perspective of someone who fully understood what I had been/was going through.
   
   I wanted to let you know that I have been going to counselling for about 6 weeks and feel more in control of my emotions around my miscarriage as a result. It hasn't been easy, last week uncovered some very difficult issues relating to my relationship with my parents and my counsellor believes that the lack of support I received at the time contributed significantly to my subsequent depression and feelings of self-worth. Looking at my family relationships is helping me to come to terms with how I have felt over these past 10 years and makes me feel that I will be better able to cope in difficult times in the future. Tomorrow is the 10 year anniversary since my first miscarriage and for the first time I feel greater hope that I can come to terms with the loss and not feel so helpless on the rollercoaster of memories and emotions. I'm also trying to learn about depression and how to help myself through it (through healthy and unhealthy emotions, etc) and am starting to realise that this wasn't my fault. It sounds silly saying that out loud as most people reading this would say it was one of those things and not your fault but I've always felt that I could have or should have done something different to prevent it happening. It now seems that this doesn't relate at all to the miscarriages but to other family relationship issues which I'm learning to look at in a new light. I'm also working on my relationship with my brother and am visiting him and his daughter this weekend, I'm hopeful we can get to a happy place together where I feel happy to be around her and not troubled by my past. It's a challenge but something I feel more confident about tackling now than I have done in the past.
   
   This is a very long-winded way of saying thank you for being so kind in your response, I felt encouraged and reassured by your words and have felt better able to tackle the problems in my past through this.
   
   To anyone else who is reading this, please know that I sympathise greatly with your loss but would encourage you to talk to someone about it and to be kind to yourself, and allow yourself time to grieve. I would love for you to learn from my mistakes.
   
   with love and very best wishes to you all
   Angela

   Tuesday, August 07, 2007 15:43:03

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Angela,
   
   I went back to your comment in April and read it. It all came back to me. remember very well the day you posted your message.
   
   I want to say I am sorry for your losses again, and know any anniversary is tough.
   
   I also want to say that I am humbled by your words of thanks. You should be proud of YOU. All I did was listen and share my heart with you, as you did with me.
   
   I admire your strength and courage. I am amazed at how six short weeks of going to a counselor have opened doors to your spirit, and you are seeing things that perhaps, you didn't see before. You may have felt them, but did't know what they were connected to.
   
   You are such a wonderful example to all women, including myself, who are struggling with their feelings after miscarriage and are contemplating getting some help.
   
   Taking that first step and going to a counselor was a very big deal, and you are shining so brightly in my eyes at this moment. The courage to face our deepest, most painful feelings in an effort to get some resolve and peace in our lives is such a scary thing to do. You did it, and are becoming better able, day by day, to allow yourself to:
   grieve AND live.
   
   We can do both, and I've seen what it does to someone when they don't, choosing one or the other. If we live and suppress our grief- too many things remain trapped inside and manifest themselves in our lives in other ways. If we choose only to grieve, we don't live and remain in a very lonely, scary place. I've seen first hand how constant grief and self blame over a period of years puts life on hold- completely. All aspects of it. Very little, if any, joy is felt. How sad.
   
   How glad I am this is not YOU.
   
   Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us. I wish you all the healing light and strength in the world, Angela. You're an inspiration and a wonderful person for sharing your struggles, and victories, with all of us.
   
   Enjoy the time with your niece and brother. There's a lot of love there-waiting for you.
   
   Your conselor sounds like a super person who knows what he/she is doing and cares very much about you and your overall well-being.
   
   Blessings to you, and come back any time.
   
   With love and peace,
   Ellen

   Wednesday, August 08, 2007 06:43:53

   Corinne says:
   

   I am very thankful to have found this website. This is the first time I have been able to actually face my grief and feel other's pain as well. I miscarried last september, I was 7 weeks along. I began bleeding on a Friday and it happened to be my husband's 30th b-day. I had planned a suprise party for him the next night. I told him about the party but wanted to continue with the party for him. BIG mistake!! I felt I had to hide all of my pain (mental and physical) from friends and family and felt soo alone as everyone was enjoying themselves, and I couldn't stop crying. I can never forget the pain and all the blood. SO much blood. Later this year, in April, my husband's mother passed away with Liver Cancer. I was always so sad that she would never get to meet any on the children we'd hoped we would have. Three weeks later, his father died. We both have been so sorrow stricken and feel that we are due our good fortune. We deserve a little hope of happiness right? We have been having trouble conceiving since the miscarriage and have been seeing a fertility specialist for 5 months. 3 artificial inseminations (IUI) and plenty of hormone enhancing drugs, and all the side effects to boot.
   I took a pregnancy test 2 weeks ago to find a positive result!! I felt that all of the pain of this previous year had been lifted and we were finally going to have something wonderful to plan, think about, talk about. I went to the dr. for a blood test and it came back with low hormones. The egg just isn't growing fast enough to carry and we are facing another miscarriage. I just returned from the drs. today with a u/s and more blood test. They tell me now I just have to wait it out. My hormone level has not risen and I am just waiting for the blood to come. That's the scariest part of all. I know what's coming up shortly.
   
   I trully understand the grief and sorrow of others who have posted. I feel so angry with everything and everybody. The Dr. tells me that me and my husband are both physically healthy and generally it comes down to luck. I am verry tired of the bad luck explanation. How can anyone have soo much bad luck in one year? I too find it very difficult to talk to friends who either are pregnant or have young ones. It makes me angry that I can't have what they have. I only ever wanted a family of my own.
   
   It's worse sometimes talking to people about it because unfortunately, most people do not understand. I've heard, "Well, at least you were only 7 weeks and you haven't had time to bond yet." Or "You just have to buck up and not give up." They don't know about my fear of becoming pregnant again and going through this all over again. Or "So and so are pregnant. When are you going to have babies?"
   
   I think I may seek counseling myself like Angela. I'm tired of the pain and anger.
   
   I feel a lot better after writing this all out for the first time. This is a wonderful site and I know that I am not alone. thank you!

   Wednesday, August 08, 2007 13:59:37

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Corinne,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and I am grateful that you found this website to express your feelings. You've been holding a lot in.
   To suffer a miscarriage while planning your husband's birthday party must have been extremely difficult. To be so selfless as to actually go through with the party was a true act of love from you to your husband. I can't even imagine what you must have felt.
   Both you and your husband have suffered many losses over the past several years.
   Between your miscarriage and the loss of both your husband's parents, you have been on an emotional path of many peaks and valleys. I truly feel for you.
   
   To feel you are 'due' some happiness certainly is understandable. I am so sorry for what's happening right now. I wish I had the right words...The only ones I can say and mean are I am so sorry and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
   When people say things like "Well, at least you were only 7 weeks and you haven't had time to bond yet." Or "You just have to buck up and not give up." They really don't have a clue as to what they are doing to you. Although their intentions may be good, their ignorance (and I don't say that to be cruel), is clear about miscarriage and what it does to you- mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
   I can relate so well to your feelings of anger, etc. When people asked me if I had children, or when was I going to have children, or when I heard about another friend being pregnant. There were times I simply wanted to scream or cry- perhaps BOTH. And, I felt so bad about myself because of it.
   You certainly are not alone, and I hope you found some comfort here. Knowing there are other women who feel what you do doesn't take away your pain, but, it validates it. What you're going through is REAL. Combined with the other losses you've endured, your plate is very full.
   I believe seeking some help like Angela did would be a helpful thing to do. You deserve the help- and talking to someone who can help point you in the right direction; ask you questions you wouldn't have thought of; and provide you with coping tools to manage the pain you've experienced will only serve to give you strength.
   You've already shown me you've got a lot of inner strength already- However, you don't need to go it alone. Some of the weight you've been carrying around on your shoulders can be made lighter.
   I am here for you, we are all here for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
   Please keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.
   Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Thursday, August 09, 2007 09:07:26

   MaryJo says:
   

   Dear Ellen and all the women here,
   
   Thank you for having this site. I've never written or talked to anyone about my miscarriage, except for one of my best friends who moved away about a year ago. That was just a short time after my miscarriage.
   
   Since then, life's been full of ups and downs. I still don't feel I've recovered, and part of that may be from holding in so many of my feelings about it.
   
   My husband is 'sick of' my crying. He never comes out and uses those words, but always says things implying he wants the old me back.
   
   Doesn't he think I want her back to? I'd love to feel like I did before my miscarriage.
   
   I just don't. It doesn't help that I don't have him to turn to. I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall.
   
   I was almost 12 weeks when I miscarried. We were not planning on having a baby so soon after our marriage, but because we got married later in life, (I was 36 and he was 39), I thought it was a blessing that we got pregnant so soon after my being off the pill.
   
   Now, I am terrified of getting pregnant again. I don't know if I could live through the heartache of losing another baby. I really did fall in love with the baby I was carrying and couldn't wait to be a mother.
   
   I guess my biggest problem is that I haven't stopped grieving and I'm full of fear. My husband seems to think trying again would be the best thing in the world. There's nothing more that I want than to have a baby to love and watch grow up. I am tired of being the one with no kids, when so many people around me, in my neighborhood, etc., have them. My sister's and brother do, too.
   
   How do I get over the grief and fear? If I can't stop crying over losing my baby, how could I ever carry a baby to term? I feel like I'd be putting my baby at risk because I'd be so afraid, and then I'd end up blaming myself if I lost the baby.
   
   I know there are a lot of worries I've expressed that are making my life more difficult. I am worrying about things that have not happened, and I think it's the trauma of my miscarriage.
   
   Thank you for letting me vent. Maybe this is a step in the right direction. If any of you have words of advice, I could use them.
   
   I feel for all of you. I am sorry you had to live through this pain. I wish you all the very best.

   Monday, August 13, 2007 13:30:50

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear MaryJo,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss and for the very rough year you've had since. It sounds like you have held so many of your feelings in, and I can see where your fear is coming from.
   
   I don't think it's abnormal to be fearful of another miscarriage. Most women seem to be and often get a bit of help or at least reassurance from their doctors, etc. Have you talked to your doctor? It may be a good place to begin if you haven't.
   
   I feel terribly that you can't discuss this with your husband, and your best friend moved away. Not having a support system around you, (you didn't mention your family in terms of talking to them), is very isolating.
   
   I am no expert, but I know a thing or two about fear, miscarriage, and anxiety. You sound very anxious to me- worrying about the future so much that it's holding you back from living. Now, I understand that completely, and feel very empathetic towards you. However, I'd hate to see your fears completely run your life. That is a scary place to be and often holds you back from reaching for your dreams.
   
   I could elaborate, but this comment would be far too long.
   
   Just know, I know what it's like to worry about things that haven't happened and probably won't- to the point where my fears stopped me from living my dreams.
   
   Much of that was anxiety, which may be the case with you. Part of anxiety is worrying about things that haven't happened. I only say this to you out of a deep compassion for what you're experiencing. I lived with anxiety for about twenty-years.
   
   I don't blame you for your fears, but I would love to see you talk to someone about them- for your sake. Carrying all that around with you day after day isn't doing you any good. Actually, it really makes it hard to heal.
   
   Between grieving your precious baby, the lack of support around you, (I don't think your husband means to be unsupportive- he may not know what to do or say), and your anxiety/worry, you've got a very full plate.
   
   Like I said, a good place to start would probably be your doctor. Maybe he/she could give you some guidance and reassurance about you and pregnancy, risks of miscarriage, etc. Then, if you wanted, you could always ask your doctor for a referral to talk to someone like a grief counselor or psychologist to help get you through this tough time.
   
   I hope I didn't sound too 'mechanical' in my response. I really am concerned for you and feel for you deeply. I can relate so well to much of what you're living, and that's why I know talking it out, if you're comfortable with that, could do wonders in helping you to cope and move forward.
   
   You will never forget your miscarriage or your baby in God's arms. I'd never, ever expect that. What I'd love to see for you is a life full of much more happiness and your dreams coming true.
   
   Blessings to you, and come back whenever you want. You're always welcome.
   
   Ellen

   Monday, August 13, 2007 14:07:17

   Stacy says:
   

   Hi Ellen
   I don't even know where to start. In Jan I lost one of the loves of my life my third baby. It has been so hard on me I just can't stand to be in my skin as you all feel the same sometimes. I am having a tough time dealing with the fact that I should have had a new baby in 3 weeks. I miss my baby so much. I just am getting so angry with my husband because he does not want to try for another and I just don't understand. He says things like he does not want to be an old father gosh he's only forty. And I now we have two great girls but I feel a huge void in our family and he just does not get it.

   Tuesday, August 14, 2007 21:35:23

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Stacy,
   I am so sorry for your loss. I know that terrible feeling of almost not being able to stand being yourself- because of how grief-stricken and depressed you feel. It's a very scary place, and I wish I could help take it away.
   
   With the due date of the baby you lost to miscarriage approaching, of course your feelings of sadness and loss are magnified. It's such a tough time.
   
   I don't know if your husband means to be 'aloof' or uncaring. He probably doesn't get it, (all your feelings, grief, pain, emptiness, thoughts of what could have been, etc.), and his way of reacting to you is to say he doesn't want to be an 'older father'. Of course, we both know forty isn't old, and had you been blessed with having this baby, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be saying the same thing.
   
   I'm concerned about your feelings going unresolved, and the distance growing between you and your husband because he doesn't want to talk about it or dismisses your pain.
   
   Sadly, it happens between couples a lot-it happened to me.
   
   Have you ever thought of counseling? There are two reasons for it: to help you with your grief, and to give you and your husband some tools to work with so your communication improves. Do you think he'd be open to counseling?
   
   If not, please do yourself a favor and talk to someone, (like a counselor), if you're able. I think unloading your feelings to someone who is unbias will help you a great deal. Holding on to hurts while you're still grieving your baby is not good for you. There's too much stress.
   
   I don't say these things because I think badly of your husband. Not at all. What I'm sensing are two people who just don't know how to get through to each other- or don't understand each other when it comes to this very important issue: your loss, your pain and your grief.
   
   Wanting to try for another baby is also something the two of your are in disagreement about, and believe me, I know what that can do to you and to your relationship.
   
   Again, I am SO sorry for your loss. If your husband could be just a little more open, and perhaps you could try to understand his fears of being what he calls an 'older father' too, things may improve.
   
   Please take one day at a time. You are always welcome here, Stacy, and we are ALL here for you. MiscarriageHelp is YOUR safe place to vent and connect with other women who are living the same.
   
   Blessings to you, and please keep us posted.
   
   Ellen

   Wednesday, August 15, 2007 10:14:45

   Lorrie Corr says:
   

   Hello Ellen,
   I just read Stacy's entry and I feel for her sooo much. I just had my follow up appointment from this last miscarriage and I realized that the date was my due date of the child I lost this past February. I felt like there was a huge truck sitting on my chest that day. That's when we decided to take the rest of the year off from trying so the possiblilty of this happening again woud not. I was due this time in February.How eery is that? My first loss was in this past February, I get pregnant again and lose, the follow up appointment of the second loss is on the due date of the first,and the second lost child was due the same month a year later from the first loss. I'm struggling to know what this all is suppose to mean to me. Am I looking for something that is just coincidence? Why do I feel this is suppose to mean something to me? Maybe I look to deep, but I really like to go with my inner feelings, they are usually right.I don't know, these dates really have me thinking a lot.
   Thanks for listening.
   I'm praying for all of us and stand strong for those who just can't right now!!!
   Lorrie

   Thursday, August 16, 2007 10:11:07

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Lorrie,
   Boy, you've had such a full plate. I'm sorry for what you've been dealing with, your miscarriages, the whole emotional ride you've been on.
   
   I don't know what it's all supposed to mean. It's a question I'd be asking myself, too.
   
   I think in time, we may find some answers deep within- like what happened to me. This website, my book- none of it would have happened without the nightmare of my miscarriage. I certainly don't wish that kind of pain on you, myself, or anyone else. EVER. It's where I found meaning, however. Meaning for the pain and a way to reach out to others, as you have, because I've lived it.
   
   The dates you mentioned have me thinking, too, just so you know. I'm one of those people who looks deeper, as you said.
   
   Taking a break from trying so you and your husband don't have to live through this makes sense. I know you realize there's never a guarantee it'll happen again, just as there's none it won't. What a scary thing life can be. We just never know. Our faith carries us through, and thank God we have it.
   
   You sound like you derive a lot of strength from your faith, and I am glad you have an inner-source to draw upon.
   
   I am sure you could relate to Stacy, and hope she comes and reads your words.
   
   You have a very generous, giving heart and soul. Even when you're hurting, you are there for others.
   
   Thank you for being you, and I wish you and your husband all of life's blessings.
   
   Ellen

   Thursday, August 16, 2007 13:11:51

   LJ says:
   

   Ellen -
   
   Please remove this if folks find it offensive. I keep a blog that has chronicled my infertility struggle and miscarriage. A fellow blogger wrote to me and suggested I submit my story to a "Worst Boss in America" contest. I did it because I basically was forced out of my job for having a miscarriage. Anyhow, In my amazement, I was nominated as a semifinalist, and now need the support of a community. This was a horrible experience to have gone through, but instead of "going after" my boss as many suggested with a lawsuit, I wanted to bring more attention to the pain that bad management can bring to someone going through a miscarriage.
   
   Anyhow, I can't say I'd be sad to win. Something good has to come of all of this, right?
   
   The full story is here, if folks want to support a sister.

   Thursday, August 16, 2007 15:59:37

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear LJ,
   I am so sorry for your loss, your struggle with infertility, and for everything that transpired afterward.
   
   The URL to your story didn't come through in your post, so please come back and let us know where we can find your story.
   
   Thank you, and blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Friday, August 17, 2007 08:10:44

   LJ says:
   

   Thanks so much! Here's the link.
   
   You are all so lovely and we will all get through this

   Friday, August 17, 2007 13:05:53

   LJ says:
   

   Hmmm, the link seems too long. Try this and add http:// at the beginning:
   http://www.workingamerica.o...

   Friday, August 17, 2007 13:08:04

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear LJ,
   
   I just read your story and am beside myself. I feel so badly about your miscarriage, and what you had to face upon returning to work. Top it off with essentially being told 'you're fired' (without using those words) - and wow. What a full plate.
   
   LJ's story clearly shows the complete lack of empathy or just plain caring some people have towards women and their families who have suffered through a miscarriage.
   
   What if LJ lost her Mother, (God forbid), or somebody else? Would her boss have had the same callous attitude?
   
   I dare say NO.
   
   What if LJ's boss had a daughter who lost her baby to miscarriage? Would he tell his own flesh and blood she was being foolish for taking a week off from work to grieve, get herself together- mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually? Would he look at his daughter and say, "You don't deserve to mourn your baby- my future grandchild."
   
   I dare say NO, again.
   
   My take is there are a combination of things going on here, but the bottom line is the terrible treatment LJ received after returning to work- just after having suffered a miscarriage.
   
   There seemed to be no sympathy whatsoever. Not even an 'I'm sorry'.
   
   Matter of fact, the only thing LJ got was an ulrealistic workload which essentially forced her into a corner.
   
   Add that to her grief and heartache.
   
   LJ, this was indeed a miscarriage of justice- due to a miscarriage.
   
   If any of you would like to read LJ's story, please click the link in her post above mine. I know it doesn't show the entire URL, but it'll take you to her story, anyway.
   
   Here is the URL broken into shorter lines:
   http://www.workingamerica.org/
   badboss/index.cfm?
   appState=detail_p&story_id=11715
   
   LJ, I am so sorry for your loss and for the struggles you've been through since. Keep the faith and please be persistant in giving women who have miscarried a voice in the workplace and beyond.
   
   I'm certainly glad ALL bosses are not like the one you had. What a travesty.
   
   Blessings to you, and I am wishing you the very best-
   
   Ellen

   Friday, August 17, 2007 13:56:11

   Bobbi says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   
   I don't know how much I can say right now. I miscarried back in June- and I have fibroids. Nobody even knew I had them until I was pregnant. Was told no problem.
   
   Now I come to find out there IS a problem with getting pregnant. If I did right now, I would probably miscarry again. Something I know I couldn't take.
   
   I need surgery in order to become pregnant and have it probably go to full term.
   
   I'm scared out of my mind and want to cry and scream at the same time.
   
   Please, if anyone has experienced this I could sure use your help.
   
   Thank you all for listening and I feel so badly for all of you who are in pain.
   
   I don't know much more I can stand, but you all make me feel stronger.

   Thursday, August 23, 2007 16:03:11

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Bobbie,
   I am so sorry for your loss and all the pain and confusion you're going through.
   
   On top of your grief, you've got the medical issue of fibroids to deal with.
   
   Now, your doctor may be able to help you, and please try to believe it. I say this because just this week I had an appointment with my OBGYN about my fibroid situation.
   
   Please talk to your doctor more when you feel up to it. Right now, you probably need to heal from the loss of your baby. However, you need to do what's right for you.
   
   It's a very lonely place after miscarriage, and I am glad you found this site to connect with others and to let some of your feelings out. It is so important to 'vent' rather than carry around grief, fears and worries.
   
   The only help I can offer regarding fibroids is this: I met with my doc. on Thursday to discuss the results of my ultra sound. I didn't have an ultra sound because of pregnany. I had it done to check on the 'status' of my fibroids. The first one was done almost four-years ago when my nephew was born.
   
   The first words out of my doctor's mouth were, "Now, I don't want you to worry." (She knows how I can be).
   
   Then, she went over the results, and the strange thing is my fibroids have grown some, but my uterus has grown significantly.
   
   It came as a bit of a shock.
   
   However, my doctor knows I want to preserve my fertility, (as she put it), and doesn't feel surgery is necessary right now. She suspects some very small fibroids are now in my uterus, causing the growth of it.
   
   If I wanted to get pregnant, (I know this from my annual exam), I would probably need "a little work"- as she put it.
   
   Your fibroids may not be as 'advanced' as mine. I have heard of many women who have conceived and not had their fibroids treated because there was no need. There are others who had procedures done and had successful pregnancies.
   
   Please don't jump to any conclusions. It's easy to do, especially if you're a worrier like I can be.
   
   All you can do is take a day at a time, get through your grief as best you can, focus on your healing, and talk to your doctor.
   
   And...I am always here for you. We all are.
   
   I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Remember to breathe deep.
   
   Blessings,
   Ellen

   Saturday, August 25, 2007 05:36:56

   Ellen says:
   

   Remembering My Bundle Of Joy By:
   Ellen M. DuBois
   
   It may seem foolish to some,
   how my heart still aches for you.
   It may seem like nonsense to others,
   that I still get sad and blue.
   
   I know it's been a long time,
   since you left to fly above.
   But, I still feel you near.
   I still feel your love.
   
   People may wonder why,
   I've not completely let go.
   They don't need to understand,
   the reasons I love you so.
   
   My life's moved in many directions,
   it's been rich and full of joy.
   Although I count my blessings,
   how could I forget my bundle of joy?
   
   Healing was a choice.
   Forgetting was never a plan.
   I can't forget you- a part of me,
   like the ocean and all of the land.
   
   We're connected through spirit, my baby.
   By a bond so strong it can't die.
   That bond is called love and it's endless.
   It transcends all space and time.
   
   As I sit and remember,
   All my love and dreams for you.
   I ask the angels to wrap,
   their heavenly wings around you.
   
   I whisper to the Heavens "I love you".
   And then, I know I hear,
   "I love you, too and I always will."
   And it all becomes so clear.
   
   Even though I never held you,
   we never played with your baby toys.
   I will always be your Mother,
   You'll always be my bundle of joy.
   
   <a href="http://ellendubois.com">Ellen M. DuBois</a> 2007

   Monday, August 27, 2007 09:21:06

   Ellen says:
   

   Hello Everyone,
   
   I pray today finds you supported by family and friends.
   Some days, it all seems too much. Doesn't it?
   You may feel very overwhelmed right now, and I understand completely. That's why I wrote the following poem/song for all who need it. I hope you find some comfort in it.
   Blessings to you all,
   Ellen
   "It's Too Much, God, Please Get Me Through The Rain" By: Ellen DuBois
   
   The days all seem to blend into each other.
   This ache inside my heart will not subside.
   I don't remember signing up for this one.
   My life feels like an awfully bumpy ride.
   It seems like no one really understands me.
   They just can't see the hollowness inside.
   I guess I can't expect them to relate to,
   the day the life inside me left and died.
   When it all seems too much,
   I turn to God and pray.
   The tears stream down my face,
   and I know He hears me say...
   In a whisper soft and low,
   and my head bowed down in pain,
   "It's too much, God, please get me through the rain."
   "It's too much, God, please get me through the rain."
   I don't feel any different right away.
   My body's worn, I'm shaking from the day.
   I'm scared and feel alone in the darkness.
   People talk to me, I don't know what to say.
   Once again, the memories start to haunt me.
   The tears begin their journey to my eyes.
   I pray I don't go on like this forever.
   I get down on my knees again, and cry.
   When it all seems too much,
   I turn to God and pray.
   The tears stream down my face,
   and I know He hears me say...
   In a whisper soft and low,
   and my head bowed down in pain,
   "It's too much, God, please get me through the rain."
   "It's too much, God, please get me through the rain."
   This time something deep within me stirs.
   I don't know what it is, but something's changed.
   A calm washes through my aching body.
   My tears begin to dry & there's less pain.
   "Is it you, God?" I look into the heavens.
   There's no answer- but I know that it's true.
   He's there for me to carry all my burdens.
   And I guarantee, He'll do the same for you.
   When it all seems too much,
   Just turn to God and pray.
   The tears stream down your face,
   and you will hear him say...
   In a whisper soft and low,
   with your head bowed down in pain,
   "It's too much child, I'll get you through the rain."
   "It's too much child, I'll get you through the rain."
   When it all seems too much,
   I turn to God and pray.
   The tears stream down my face,
   and I know He hears me say...
   In a whisper soft and low,
   and my head bowed down in pain,
   "It's too much, God, please get me through the rain."
   "Thank you God, for getting me through the rain."

   Monday, August 27, 2007 09:28:56

   Stacey says:
   

   I miscarried almost 7 months ago. My baby was due September 3rd. I don't think there is one day that has gone by in the past 7 months that I have not cried. I of course do this when I am all alone because my husband just wants us to move on and have the happy marriage we had before my miscarriage. Of course this just makes me hurt even more. My parents tell me that can try again, I think this is the most hurtful thing to say. First, my husband does not want to try again so I fear this was my only chance to be a mother. Even if we do try again, just like the other posts, it will never be that baby. Plus, we always said we only wanted one so had our first baby lived, we would not even be thinking of trying again. Friends have written me off because they are too involved in their own happiness and lives to be there for somebody because it makes them feel uncomfortable. This is the loneliest experience ever. Had my baby been born and then died, people would be there but since I was only 8 weeks, nobody I know nobody understands how much I hurt every single day. So, I face the world alone every day praying that my faith in God will bring me through this so that just maybe one day I will spend a day laughing instead of crying.

   Monday, August 27, 2007 10:31:06

   Lorrie Corr says:
   

   Hello Ellen,
   I absolutely love this poem/song. I actually typed it out and it hangs in my bedroom near my bed. Thank you for sharing!!!!
   Lorrie

   Monday, August 27, 2007 20:44:16

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Lorrie,
   You're such a sweet person. I am HONORED you have my poem/song actually taking up space on a wall in your home. Perhaps when I get the music written and put in on a CD, (just my little at home studio- if you can call it that), I'll send you one.
   
   Peace, Love, and Much Healing to YOU,
   Ellen

   Tuesday, August 28, 2007 12:39:07

   neha says:
   

   hello
   
   friends...
   
   i am very unfortunate to have miscarried my first child in 40th week..i am mother but no one knows..but i have a reason to blame my doctor..i called her doc iam bleeding and she called me after 6 hrs there no heart beat she said she didnt see or hear ne thing form my baby i was sent to hospital,,,
   induced and i had body ready for funeral and to be buried...
   i think i lost my baby bcoz of my doctor who was more like machine n less human ...

   Tuesday, August 28, 2007 12:59:18

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Stacey,
   
   I am so sorry for your loss. You sound very lonely and isolated, and that certainly doesn't help.
   
   You are grieving, yet others who are so important in your life, (husband, parents, etc.), aren't really getting it. They're not seeing that your grief is real, and that you are also grieving what you see as your 'last chace' at motherhood.
   
   None of us knows what will happen down the road. However, if you truly want to have a baby, (which I believe 100%), and your husband doesn't, I think the two of you may need to talk it out...with a professional.
   
   I've been in your shoes, and it's a very scary place. You are still very sad over your lost child- and can not even take comfort in the hope of having children, or a child, with your husband.
   
   I can't say why he closed the door. Only he can. BUT, if this means as much to you as I feel it does in my heart, I certainly wouldn't bury the issue. It'll only serve to hurt you more. I'd feel terrible if that happened.
   
   With me, NOT having another child after my miscarriage actually hindered my healing process. I spent SO much time grieving my baby- I'd think about all the things I was missing without him. When I added not having a child AT ALL into the whole terrible situation, I was a mess.
   
   Please don't allow that to go on in your life for as long as I did in mine.
   
   I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I do hope you and your husband can come to an agreement on having a child.
   
   Also know you are welcome here anytime. Our support to you is there for the taking. Even if you just need to vent, we are all here for you.
   
   Blessings, Stacy. Please take care of yourself.
   
   Ellen

   Tuesday, August 28, 2007 13:01:33

   stacy says:
   

   Lorri,
   Thank you for understanding what i am going through. i started to see a person about my misscarriage. She helps me vent and helps me get through another month to not hate my husband about not wanting to try for another baby but when I really need to feel loved and cared about I come here to women who really get it thats what really gets me through a tough day you ladies and Ellen, Thank you all and our little dreams will never be fogotten by anyone here. Bless you all

   Tuesday, August 28, 2007 19:55:41

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Neha,
   My God, I am so sorry for your loss. I simply cannot understand what happened here with your doctor.
   
   Just know, you are in my thoughts and prayers. To wait six hours before anything was done, (at 40 weeks mind you) is just too much to comprehend.
   
   My heart aches for you and I pray your faith- whatever you call a power greater than yourself, gets you through.
   
   If you ever need to come back here, do. You are always welcome. WE care about you, Neha- and always will.
   
   There are so many wonderful, caring doctors. I know if you had my OBGYN, she'd be there in a blink. I wish everyone had a doctor as great as mine. She is SO caring. She really gives a damn about YOU, your baby, and if needed, your loss. She is truly a mind, body, spirit doctor because she respects all aspects of being a HUMAN BEING and treats you like one. Not a machine or another number.
   
   Neha, take one day at a time. You are going through very rough seas and if you are hanging onto bitterness, (which I understand), toward to your doc., try to let it go for now. You have enough on your plate. Your healing is MORE important than your doctor. When the day comes for you to talk to your doctor, (if it's right for you), it'll happen.
   
   Please be VERY gentle with yourself, and I will be thinking of you and sending you much healing light.
   
   Ellen

   Wednesday, August 29, 2007 08:59:34

   Ellen says:
   

   Neha,
   
   I am posting your comment on my Amazon.com Blog. Why? Doctors either care or they don't and I am just beside myself with the treatment you received.
   
   It's the same post as above, so I didn't 'go off' too much, but I want others to be aware- even more than they already are.
   http://www.amazon.com/exec/...
   
   Love, light and healing to you,
   Ellen

   Wednesday, August 29, 2007 09:02:56

   Ellen says:
   

   Six Miscarriages, A Special Woman & A Clock
   
   I met a woman who had six miscarriages. I was at the market and we struck up a conversation while in the paper goods isle. She'd dropped a roll from the shelf, and I picked it up for her.
   "Thank you," she said.
   "No problem." I smiled at her and could tell there was something she wanted to say.
   Being a complete stranger, I had no idea what it could be, of if it was my imagination.
   "You look so familiar to me," she said. "Do I know you?"
   "I don't know." I thought for a moment while trying to place her. I couldn't come up with a thing.
   "I know what it is! You wrote a book on miscarriage. I found it online and originally got it for my daughter who just suffered through one."
   "I'm so sorry," I replied. "How is she doing?"
   "She's getting there day by day. When I gave it to her, she asked me why I didn't keep it. I had six miscarriages before I had her."
   I couldn't believe it. Six miscarriages. It had to be a while ago. Her daughter was twenty-six.
   (continued...)

   Saturday, September 01, 2007 05:14:17

   Ellen says:
   

   "I ended up reading your book before I gave it to my daughter. Actually, after reading it, I ordered another because I found it so helpful- even after all these years."
   I was at a loss for words, and very humbled. All I could say was how sorry I was for her losses. I also had to know how she managed to get through six miscarriages. So, I asked.
   "Back then, it was worse than today," she said. "You really didn't talk too much about it, and there wasn't the Internet for support sites like yours. So, I just went on and held so much in. When my daughter finally arrived, I felt like I'd been given the biggest miracle on earth, and thanked God every day for her. I still do."
   "As she grew," she continued, "I found myself in awe of her. Watching her learn, grown, discover- there wasn't anything I wanted to miss. I was lucky because I was able to stay home and raise her while my husband worked. You might think that sounds old fashioned, but, it's what I wanted."
   "Oh, no," I said, feeling the tears in my eyes. "I think it's wonderful."
   She went on. "I found myself thinking more and more of the babies I lost to miscarriage. How much would they be like my daughter? Or, would they be completely different? Would they look alike, and have reddish-brown hair like Sarah? Or, would they be more like their father and have very dark hair and eyes? Would they be boys or girls? The more my daughter grew, the more I realized my babies were real, live human beings just like my daughter. I never got to see them, or grieve for them. I did it in my own way, but so much of it stayed inside."
   "You're a very strong woman," I told her. I felt weak in comparison. This woman had really lived through so many losses. Six. I had one miscarriage and felt like it ripped the rug out from under me. How did she do it? I still needed to know. So, I looked her square in her warm, greenish eyes and asked, "How did you manage to get through six miscarriages? How'd you keep yourself together until your daughter was born?"
   "I didn't, really," she replied. "I spent a lot of time cleaning the house and crying. I didn't do much with my girlfriends, and I didn't want to worry my husband any more than he already was. After my daughter Sarah was born, I'd say about three years, the chime of the grandfather-clock in the hall caught my attention. Something about it sounded different. I don't know why, and it may sound crazy. Sarah was down for a nap, and the clock chimed one. I thought about the first baby I lost and felt a connection to my baby when the clock chimed. It actually made me smile. It was as if my baby was telling me that he or she was okay. The same feeling happened on each hour from one to six. By the time the old clock chimed six times, I felt like all my babies were around me singing and telling me they loved me. They were all happy in heaven and I was still their mother- no matter what. Ever since then, I take great joy in the chimes of my clock- every day on the hour for six hours. When I'm away from the house, I always look at my watch and know the clock is chiming. I think of my babies and send them my love."
   It was one of the most beautiful stories I'd ever heard and by that point, I had tears streaming down my face.
   "That's so beautiful," I said.
   "Yes. Yes it is. And so very true. Although I felt the loss of each of my babies, they found the right time to tell me they'd always be near and would always exist."
   I gave her a hug. As crazy as it may sound, I felt like I knew her and was comfortable enough to just reach out and hug her. When I did, I felt such warmth.
   "Thank you for sharing your story with me," I said. "You're an amazing woman."
   "No, I'm not, but thank you for the compliment. We all find ways to get through the dark times. And, when we can't find the way, I've learned it's usually presented to us. All in due time."
   
   Blessings to you and yours,
   Ellen
   Author of I Never Held You- and host of MiscarriageHelp.com

   Saturday, September 01, 2007 05:14:37

   Ellen says:
   

   Miscarriage: If I kicked myself for every moment I felt the longing for a baby, I'd have no backside left.
   
   Many blessings to you. I hope you're healing after your miscarriage and are able to take things a moment at a time.
   The comment below is from MiscarriageHelp.com. It came in sometime after October. I know I felt many of the same emotions as Lil. Perhaps you do, too.
   
   Remember, the door to MiscarriageHelp.com is ALWAYS open to you. If there's something you need to get off your chest, please know we are all there to listen and never dismiss your pain or grief.

   Sunday, September 02, 2007 12:16:06

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Ellen,
   I have posted here before and am posting again. I really appreciate your feedback and insight to a very tough time in my life. Words cannot express the pain that I feel in my heart for the loss of my baby. I want to scream, I want to fight, I want to cry and most importantly I want to run away and never again have to face this awful situation again. I feel ashamed and embarrassed because I believe partly that the reason society never makes a big deal out of miscarriage is because the "mother" is blamed. If you think about it, there is never a reason as to why this happened and therefore society or the people in our environments draw their own conclusions. I can tell by the responses that we get as women who have had miscarriages. Maybe it wasn't your time, it wasn't GOD's will, etc. With this being said, I am so consumed with having another child that it is pathetic. I truly feel that this is the only way that I will be able to deal with my grief. I have been so consumed with getting pregnant that when my menstrual rolls around again, I am angry and drawn right back into a deeper depression. I don't know what to do. Your response to my first posting was that I was jealous because my sister-in-law is pregnant with twins. I never thought about it this way and you opened my eyes. However, how do I get through this?

   Sunday, September 02, 2007 12:16:56

   Ellen says:
   

   Ellen says:
   Dear Lil,
   I wish there were an easy answer to your question of how to get through this. It's not easy, and it hurts. Just reading your post makes me even more aware of how difficult it is for me sometimes-and it's been fifteen years. The ONE thing that's carried me and enabled me to grow and heal is my faith. I don't care what you call a belief in something "bigger than yourself"- I don't label what you or anyone calls what I refer to as God. Let me give you an example:
   Halloween just rolled by. I also turned 40 this year. Something about the kids in their cute, little costumes pulled at my heart. See, I don't have any children yet, and let's face it, time's not exactly on my side. So, your feelings of being consumed with having a baby and getting depressed when your period comes are understandable, and I completely relate to them.
   Now, I'm not saying I'm anywhere near where I was when I first miscarried in terms of grief, crying all the time, etc. Yes, I've come a long way. It's been one heck of a long road and it was only through traveling it, that I was able to write about miscarriage, my experiences with coping, grieving and moving forward with my life.
   You're still very close to the time you lost your precious baby. Don't beat yourself up for feeling consumed with wanting a healthy pregnancy and most importantly, a healthy baby. I can't think of anything more 'normal.'
   You know, with Christmas coming- (that's what I celebrate, but it can be any holiday to anyone), I'm once again faced with no little "pitter-patter" of feet rushing down to the Christmas tree. Yes, I get depressed, too. I feel like you do in that a baby would make my life complete. I'm not looking for a baby to define who I am-and you're not either. I think we are both women who suffered a loss-the loss of our babies and dreams that went with those babies, and our hearts want so much to pour out the love which lies waiting for those babies.
   How do you get through this? I'll tell you how I do:
   I meditate using guided meditations; I pray; I allow myself to feel; I seek help from close friends when I need it; I once sought help from a professional after my divorce, miscarriage, etc.; I catch myself when I feel jealous of a mother with her children and ask God to bless her and her little ones instead of my feeling jealous; I spend time with my young niece and nephew- allowing them to bring JOY into my life because they really love me as their "Auntie"; AND, I DON'T LOSE HOPE. Please don't lose that, Lil. Hope carries us through some of the darkest times of our lives. Trusting there's a plan for us and surrendering our need to 'control' everything to a Source far bigger than you or I helps put things into perspective, and takes the heavy weight off our shoulders.
   Getting through a rough time or coping doesn't mean, in ANY way, cutting off your feelings and being numb. We're human and of course we feel. We feel joy and we feel pain just as we feel love and loss.
   If you believe in God, the Source, the Divine, a Power-try tapping into that belief some more. I'm not preaching, I'm telling you what helps me to this day.
   Also know, deep in your heart and soul, that my thoughts are with you, Lil. I know the pain you're living, the emptiness you feel, the jealousy you're experiencing, and the wish for a baby to love in your arms. I know these things because EVERY SINGLE DAY I feel them to a degree-no matter how far I've come or how many books I've written. The only difference between life fifteen years ago and now is that I've grown and have come to realize there's a plan for all of us which sometimes included very painful situations-like miscarriage. It doesn't mean I like it, and I don't expect you to, either. It's what you do with your painful experiences in life that counts. It can either knock you down and leave you there, or you can CHOOSE to get up, and take small steps, day by day, to a point of healing.
   When you slip, and we all do, don't kick yourself for being you. Don't kick yourself for wanting what your heart craves-to LOVE a child. If I kicked myself for every moment I felt the longing for a baby, I'd have no backside left.
   Trust, Live, Know you have a Purpose, and Never Lose Hope.
   Sending you my thoughts and prayers always,
   Ellen

   Sunday, September 02, 2007 12:17:15

   Ashley says:
   

   Well I just found this site and I don't normally write on anyones anything. But I find myself sitting in my office at home and crying becuase there is someone out there feeling the exact same way as me. I'm 23 yrs old and have been married for 4 yrs. Last year we found out I had PCOS. I was devestated. We had been trying since we got married to have a child with no such luck but watching all of our friends concieve with ease.
   I had a miscarriage a week ago Wednesday and I feel as if I am losing my mind. I feel like I'm Bi-polar. I can be laughing and cutting up one minute and sobbing for hours the next.
   I was only about 5 and a half weeks along but that was the most wonderful thing that had happened to us. My brother just had a baby and we are going home to see them and I was going to tell the family about the baby then but now I have to pretend to even enjoy holding my own nephew and I hate that. I want to be the proud aunt but I cant help remember that as my brother was holding his precious newborn I was bleeding mine out.
   I don't know what to do. I'm so lost and alone. My husband is trying to be sympathetic but I don't even want him to touch me or even look at me intimently. I have told close friends and family members and they try to be there for me but all I hear is " your still young" or "theres still time" and I don't know about ya'll but that does not comfort me in anyway.
   Thank you for letting me vent and let some emotion out. I pray that God not only eases my pain but all of ours.

   Monday, September 03, 2007 19:22:52

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Ashley,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and for the struggles with PCOS you've been through.
   
   I know how excited you and your husband must have been- my heart goes out to you. To be grieving your own baby while putting on a happy face with the birth of your nephew is such a painful experience.
   
   Your feelings are REAL and have nothing to do with loving your new baby nephew. Of course you do. But, I would be struggling with my own loss, as you are. I certainly would be thinking, "God, why didn't I get to have my baby?"
   
   That's normal, very difficult, and I hold you in my thoughts and prayers.
   
   I remember withdrawing from my husband after my miscarriage. I'm not saying it was a good thing, but it happened to me and I'm sure others, too. That can create some distance, (as it did with me), and if it goes on, you may want to try to talk it out with someone. A person who is unbias, like a counselor, clergy, etc.
   
   If your husband is open to it, great. If not, you can talk to someone on your own. Just to release those pent up feelings. It will help your healing overall.
   
   However, right now you need some time. Each moment is exactly what it is- a moment you have to take one at a time. I know it's so painful, and I can feel your pain through your words. So can the others here.
   
   Please allow yourself the TIME you need to grieve. Your husband is probably doing the best he can, but it's impossible for anybody to be inside of our heads. Oh, and as far from bouncing from one emotion to the next, believe me, I was just like you. I thought I was going crazy. You're not. Be gentle with yourself and KNOW you are not.
   
   Others are doing what they think is best, too. But, their words of comfort are anything but. "You can always have another", "You're still young", etc. Those words don't address your LOSS, and that's exactly what you need, what this site and my book are all about. Your LOSS is real and I hope every day that people see a woman who has miscarried as a woman who just lost a baby. When that happens, they will have their GRIEF acknowledged.
   
   Whenever you want to come back to vent, please do so. You are always welcome here with open arms. I care, we all care, about YOU, your grief, and will help you in any way possible.
   
   Blessings to you and yours. Please keep the faith.
   
   Ellen

   Tuesday, September 04, 2007 08:38:09

   Stacy says:
   

   hi everyone tomorrow will be my due date of the most missed angel in our lives, my baby was so wanted and i will try my best to get through this day. I just can't stop getting it out of my head. I have always said i just don't feel complete without my baby in our family. I want to thank Ellen and all the wonderful women for beoing there for me to vent etc... you are all the best and in my prayers

   Thursday, September 06, 2007 20:54:45

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Stacy,
   I am so sorry for your loss, and what you're going through. Today, I will say an extra prayer for you.
   
   Anniversaries are tough. Each Thanksgiving I think of my baby- and he would have been sixteen this November. That's a long time.
   
   I suppose it's gotten easier over the years, but I've never forgotten my baby. Just like I haven't forgotten my Grandparents, etc. Whenever a holiday, their birthday(s), or the day they crossed over come, I think of them even more than I already do.
   
   Just hang on and live each moment. One minute you may be okay, and the next in tears. It's all okay. You're a feeling being, and you're grieving.
   
   So many of us are hard on ourselves for being who we are- I'm not saying that's you. I am saying we all need to be a bit more gentle with ourselves and if we have tears, it's better to let them out rather than holding them until we make ourselves sick.
   
   Then, we have to go on. Not forgetting, not dismissing or minimizing our pain- but as my Grandfather said many years ago to my Dad after my brother died, "Life is for the living. Go home to the family you have. They need you."
   
   Home he went to my Mother, (who was pregnant with me), and to my older sister.
   
   My parents never forgot my brother, David. I never forgot my son Alex, and you won't forget your precious baby, either.
   
   This is one of the parts of life that hurts, and we'll be there to carry each other through it so we can then enjoy the beautiful parts of life.
   
   Blessings to you,
   Ellen

   Friday, September 07, 2007 07:01:37

   Laura says:
   

   Hi,
   
   I just went to my gynecologist today, thinking I was going to have a check up and an ultrasound. Thought I might even get to find out if I was having a boy or girl as I am/was almost 4 months. She asked me routine questions, then began the ultrasound. I saw the baby on the screen, looking so perfect, had grown to almost 6 inches, and I was smiling...then I saw my doctor's face: She had a furrowed brow, and was saying...."hmm...let me check over here, hmmmm...over here." I asked her what was wrong. She looked at me and said, "I'm so sorry, Laura, your baby doesn't have a heart beat...it looks like it died two weeks, maybe three weeks ago, even though your placenta has continued to grow." I asked her if she was positive. I asked her why? She said she bet it was a chromosomal problem because everything looked normal with the placenta. I was just devastated. Asked her what my options were. Decided to have the D & C right then before leaving as I didn't want to go home with my baby who wasn't alive anymore inside me, just to come back and have a D & C. I worried if it was because I was taking Zofran because I was so sick with hyperemesis. My baby looked so perfectly formed. I am 41 years old, so I feel like it was my last chance. She said I could try again, but chromosomal deformities happen at greater rates the older one gets. I also get so sick, completely bed-ridden nauseated, throwing up sick...which is not good for my two-year-old son, who I could tell was starting to feel ignored/displaced by my illness. I feel physically ill from the procedure, and the meds she gave me to have a contraction, stop bleeding. I'm still all broken out and hormonal like a pregnant person. It is so strange to come home, see the double stroller, the new baby book, the preparation for the room...all the things that were on my agenda for the upcoming weeks/months...and now, there won't be a baby.

   Wednesday, September 12, 2007 02:07:12

   Ellen says:
   

   Dear Laura,
   I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
   
   I know exactly how you feel. When I miscarried, I was a bit over four months. Actually, my doctor suggested I have the D&C and I agreed. Much like you, I couldn't stand the thought of my baby who died remaining inside of me. It was just too painful.
   
   Coming home to the things you had ready and waiting for your new baby must have been heartbreaking.
   
   On top of your loss, you're feeling so ill; your body still feels pregnant; and you have got to keep going because there's a little two-year-old counting on you. Your plate is certainly a full one, and I will pray for you to find the strength you need to get through the days as you heal.
   
   There's a mental, physical and spiritual healing that takes place after miscarriage- after any loss. Please give yourself the chance you need to grieve your precious little baby. You'll have days where you're feeling like there's some light, and days when you feel so alone in your grief. Just know you are not alone, and we are all here for you.
   
   Looking at the ultra sound screen with the image of your perfectly formed baby must have turned into a nightmare when your doctor told you the news. It sounds like you have a compassionate doctor by the way she told you. It can't be an easy thing to do; and I am grateful she didn't look at you like my doc. at the time and use the word "expired".
   
   Although the end result is the same, and again I am SO sorry, I feel your doctor is an empathetic person.
   
   When the time is right, if it's right for you, please ask your doctor about having a baby. I am the same age as you. If it weren't for my huge fibroids, I'd probably be okay carrying a baby to term. I am well aware of the increased risk of both miscarriage and health problems with the baby. However, there are always risks in this life and there are never any guarantees. If there were, I never would have miscarried at age twenty-three.
   
   Talking to your doctor is only something I suggest if you feel you need to, or want to. I'm not trying to push my feelings upon you. I just don't want to see you close any doors. Right now, however, you need some YOU time to heal.
   
   One day at a time, Laura. Just take small steps as you go and treat yourself gently as you grieve and heal.
   
   I will be here for you- we all will- if you ever want to come back and just vent.
   
   I wish you much support, comfort and love,
   Ellen

   Wednesday, September 12, 2007 06:18:40

   Kathy says:
   

   Hello, I am writing as I just had my 3rd miscarriage.. The first two were both missed miscarriages, so I wasn't aware of any problems until I was scanned, which was the most awful experience ever. The last pregnancy ended with a miscarriage last night, I went to the hospital on Monday as I had began bleeding very lightly, they did an internal examination and a scan and said that everything was fine and the baby had a heartbeat which I saw on the screen, they said some people do bleed and advised me to go home and rest.Only a few hours after being home the bleeding got worse and I knew in my mind that I was having another miscarriage.. then last night the bleeding got heavier and the pain began and I then passed the pregnancy . I have never experienced anything as traumatic as this, it was awful. My husband phoned the hospital who said to come in, they did an internal check and have booked me in for a scan next week to check that there isn't anything left inside. they have also referred me to a spec