MiscarriageHelp.com
Miscarriage Help: Taking Leave After A Miscarriage
by Ellen DuBois on 03/12/10
Hello,
Here is some information I found from PregnancyInfo.net on taking leave after a miscarriage. Love, Light and Blessings,
Ellen
Source: http://www.pregnancy-info.net
Suffering a miscarriage is a devastating loss for any woman. If you have suffered from a miscarriage or recurrent miscarriages, you know how difficult and painful a pregnancy loss can be. Because of the significant grief and sorrow that is common to feel after a pregnancy loss, you may want to take some time off of work. But what type of leave would this be? Are you entitled to maternity leave after a miscarriage or would you be required to use some of your vacation days?
Entitlement
According to the Department of Labour, currently more than 69 million women are working in the United States. With so many women making up the workforce, it is important for working women to have some sort of guarantee that they will not lose their jobs should they be faced with a pregnancy complication or suffer from a pregnancy-related condition. Unfortunately, the United States, along with Australia and New Zealand, are among the few countries in the industrialized world that do not have legislation in place to provide women with guaranteed paid maternity leave. Instead, rights regarding an extended leave due to pregnancy are covered by the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA)
The Family and Medical Leave Act
In 1993, the U.S. Congress signed into law the FMLA. This act guarantees both men and women unpaid, job-protected leave for up to 12 weeks after the birth of a child; adoption of a child; taking care of an ill relative or tending to one’s own medical condition. It also considers a miscarriage to be a serious health condition, and therefore allowing for a recovery period. However, there are several stipulations to this law.
The only employees covered by this law are those that work for a company that employs 50 people or more in a commerce-related activity. Secondly, in order to qualify under the FMLA, an employee must have worked for at least 1,250 hours in the past year for that company. This has left the majority of people that are not employed by corporations, work part-time, work for small businesses or who have only been employed a short time without access to job-protected leave.
According to the Survey of Employees on the Impact of the Family and Medical Leave Act, published in 1996, 64 per cent of the respondents who needed the leave could not take it because they could not afford it. Fortunately, there are other options for women seeking leave under U.S. employment law.
Taking Leave
Women in the United States can use a combination of sick leave, short-term disability and vacation days if they require time off after suffering from a miscarriage. Additionally, many large employers, unions and states offer short-term disability for illness or injury, which could include miscarriage. However, if the state is providing short-term disability, you may be required to pay out a small portion of your paycheck for your coverage. If your employer or union provides disability, then the cost may already be covered. If short-term disability is unavailable from any of these sources, you can purchase your own private policy for six weeks or more for pregnancy-related conditions.
State disability benefits can cover half to two-thirds of your salary and may last anywhere from four to 12 weeks. When state short-term disability runs out, some states may offer unpaid disability leave or unpaid pregnancy disability leave. California offers this option and in 2004 became the first state to offer paid leave to families. If you have suffered a miscarriage and would like to take some time off to recuperate physically and mentally, then check with your company human resources department to see what options are available to you.
What Canada Offers
In Canada, the possibility of a miscarriage is taken into consideration to determine the length of maternity leave. Under the Employment Standards Act, pregnancy leave is defined as a leave of absence from work for up to 17 weeks. An employee has the option of deciding between "pregnancy leave" and "parental leave," which is another leave of absence for 18 weeks. If not using the pregnancy or parental leave, a person may be entitled to disability benefits when unable to work. If you suffer a miscarriage, you may take pregnancy or parental leave in order to deal with your loss.
A person may also apply for employment insurance benefits from the federal Employment Insurance Program during pregnancy or parental leave. According to labor standards legislation, in most Canadian provinces, an employee is entitled to an extension of maternity leave for an additional six weeks unpaid leave when a physician ascertains she cannot return due to birth-related medical reasons.
Know Your Rights
If you are a working woman and have suffered from a miscarriage, you know how confusing it can be to negotiate state and federal maternity leave law. Become informed of your rights in employment laws regarding pregnancy, pregnancy complications and miscarriage in your state. If you are unsure about your rights, you should contact your company union or human resources department to find out about your company’s maternity leave policy.
Miscarriage Help: How long before returning to work?
by Ellen DuBois on 03/12/10
Melissa said:
My husband and I have lost our baby girl in our 2nd Trimester. This has been a horrible time for us and i am struggling with moving on and getting back to a very unsupportive boss at work. How long do women usually give before returning back to there job?? Thank you.
Dear Melissa,
I am so sorry for your loss. Please extend my sympathies to your husband, too.
Having an unsupportive boss certainly doesn't help matters. I don't know if there's any 'protocol' for returning back to work after miscarriage. I think you've brought up a very valid point that needs to be addressed: How many days off due to a death in the family is a woman who miscarries entitled to from her company? Does a woman, her husband or partner, legally have any "grief time" after miscarriage? If not...why?
I wish I had the answer for you, and I'm going to do some research. In my next post I will share some of what I found.
Just as with any loss, you need time to heal. I remember going back to work after my miscarriage and D&C- I was probably out for a total of a week. My company was great, but I don't remember if they treated my time off as 'vacation time'- anything but, or as a death in the family. I don't even remember if I was paid.
Between losing my baby and the D&C, I was a mess upon returning to work. I know I certainly didn't have the time to heal, but most of us don't. I mean, it takes a while- months, to feel like you're getting your life back after a loss such as this. Miscarriage really knocks the wind out of your sails, and I know you're aware of this. I am so sorry.
Know my thoughts and prayers are with you. I'll let you- and everyone else know, what I find. I have a feeling it's a 'case by case' basis, i.e., it all depends on who you work for. However, I'm very unclear on this.
Blessings, Love and Much Healing to you and yours,
Ellen
Miscarriage Help: When Pam Miscarried...
by Ellen DuBois on 03/11/10
Dear Pam,
I am so sorry for your loss. Your story is heartbreaking, as are all our stories. I feel your pain and know the road you're walking. Thank God we have each other to lean on during times like these. Losing your precious one to miscarriage can leave you feeling so lonely, afraid, isolated and full of anxiety. I've had my struggles with anxiety and panic over the years. My miscarriage was certainly a catalyst for panic attacks. What would have been your due date is also here, and that's contributing to your sadness and fear.
I want to keep the focus on you and your healing. I understand your Grandmother prayed and got her message about the baby from God...I don't discount this at all.
I also understand how you're around pregnant women and children a lot these days, and that is no easy task after miscarriage. This all can heighten your emotions- as they did with me. The circumstances may not have been exactly the same because we all have our own lives. However, the pain connecting us is deep and very similar.
You are left hanging in a place where you're still grieving the loss of your little one and the possible loss of having another baby. While I can speak to your grief- to your heart from mine, I'm no doctor. I'd certainly pray about my fertility and ask to be guided to the right doctor for my better and higher good. If this feels right to you, please do so. I say this because you expressed your strong faith. Perhaps you need another opinion or a consultation about having another baby. I know it's scary because of fear: you don't want to hear what you fear may be true. But, please hold onto your faith and believe the right answer, regardless of what it is, will come to you from the right doctor. You won't be in this state of limbo over whether you should try to have another baby- whether or not it's safe for you. I believe not knowing is hurting you and holding you back from healing.
"It seems no one understands my loss. No one seems to understand that I lost a baby, not just some cells. No one understands that not only did I loose a baby but the dream of ever having another one on top of that. I hurt so bad inside and just cannot find any answers. I pray, I read the Bible, I seek God and yet I feel lost, afraid, anxious, panicky. "- You sound very much like me. I knew my baby was my BABY, not what the doctor referred to as ... a fetus being no longer viable. I didn't even know what viable meant- and that's how I learned.
No matter how strong my faith, I was so full of anxiety and fear after I miscarried. I know it doesn't make your road any easier to hear me say this, but I hope you feel less alone. I don't believe this means your faith or belief in God is any less. I think it's the human part of you living this human experience that fills you to the brim with fears. I've found it's during these times we come to rely upon God for strength the most. When we're not feeling it, we sometimes get more afraid, full of panic, depressed. We struggle with all of it- the up and down game our emotions play upon us; our feeling lost and alone when we know God is with us. Yet...the ache is there. The loss, pain and grief are there. The longing is there. The feeling of being on an island is present. We wonder, we ask, we pray for the answers, for comfort. And then, sometimes we end up in a heap on the floor crying our eyes out and really asking God...WHY? Please help me.
That was me. I went through what I just wrote. I was literally a crying heap on the floor. It didn't mean my belief in God was any less. It didn't mean my faith was gone. It meant I had to bottom out and release all the 'stuff' I was carrying around and give it to God. No easy task. My feelings came out in the form of gut-wrenching tears; the kind that make your stomach and head hurt. The kind that make your body shaky and weak. I clung to them so tightly every, single day and it was difficult to let them go- even though I needed some relief. Actually, it took years for me to let go of my grief, questions- all of it. That's not an exaggeration.
That's when I began writing about my experience after miscarriage. That's when inspiraton had room to enter my life and transmute all the suffering after my own miscarriage into something positive for others. I'm nobody special because we are all special equally. It just means I felt an opening occur when I had my melt down with God.
It must be difficult for you to find the time to have your melt down with God. With two little boys counting on their mommy, a daycare, a husband, and all the other things that make up your life- where's the time for Pam?
I my humble opinion, I think you need more time for you. Just you and your thoughts. You and some stillness. You and God.
Then, I suggest gently to you that you go ahead and name your baby. If this feels right you will know it. After you name your baby, you might want to write your little one a letter and read it out loud. This is a memorial of sorts to your baby who is living with God, but who is your child, too. When you read your letter, whether you're alone or with your family, I think you'll feel such a strong sense of connection to the soul, the everlasting spirit of your baby. I know I did and I waited seventeen years to do it. The feeling was real, powerful, intense and incredibly beautiful. I knew my son was fine- happy- alive in another realm. It was me who wasn't fine. It was me who needed to say goodbye and let him go.
This is just a suggestion. It's something I found helped me a great deal and maybe it'll do the same for you. I then released a balloon into the air with a 'kissy mark' on it from my lipstick. I said "I Love You" as I watched my balloon disappear into the sky...
Writing out your feelings is like an emotional purging. I believe there's great benefit in doing it. I am sorry you had to find this website, but thank God you did. You were able to begin your journey of healing through words, and I hope you continue to do so. I want you to know you are welcome here anytime to write it out. I have often gained a much better understanding of myself after reading my own words. I pray the same happens to you.
Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I'll think of you often and keep the faith.
Love, Light and Blessings,
Ellen
Miscarriage Help- Miscarriage Community
by Ellen DuBois on 03/11/10
Hello Everyone,
I posted this on Amazon.com after creating a "The Miscarriage community" on the same page as my book. I thought I'd post my brief yet important message here, too:
Miscarriage is not something you simply "get over", yet it's still widely treated as something to get beyond & move on from- quickly. Sadly, I've heard many comments from women spanning the globe who've all heard things like, "You can always have another- just try again."
Meanwhile, they are screaming inside...Just let me get over this loss! You just told me my baby died!
I was one of those women.
There's not enough validation of a woman's, (and her family's), loss when something like this is said. A miscarriage is not merely a medical term, it's the loss of a very real baby who was loved, anticipated and is sadly missed. We who have miscarried are entitled to grieve- as we would with any other loss.
My thoughts and prayers are with all who have endured a miscarriage, or more than one. Please know you're not alone. We cry our tears together.
By creating awareness, in society and within the medical community, we can make a difference in how women are treated after suffering a miscarriage. It wouldn't take the pain away, but what a difference it would make in the healing process. A simple "I'm sorry for your loss" goes a very long way.
Blessings to you,
Ellen
Miscarriage Help- I Never Held You, thank you to Heather.
by Ellen DuBois on 03/11/10
Heather says:
Ellen,
My name is Heather and I suffered from a miscarriage last December. I felt as though I had nowhere to turn, and to some extent I felt completely lost and helpless. I was researching on the internet on resources for women who had miscarried and I came across your book. As soon as I recieved the book in the mail I immediatly began reading it, and it was as though you were speaking directly to me. I finally felt as though someone understood the pain, sadness and depression that I was feeling. You helped me to understand that it is ok to be sad, upset and frustrated, and that it is ok to cry. Ellen, your book and the tools that you included in it helped me to get through this very difficult time. I wanted to write and let you know the positive effect that your words had on me. I understand that moving on after a miscarriage takes time, but I feel a sense of relief to know that I am not alone in this process and whenever I feel lost or overwhelmed I have your book to turn to.
Ellen, I wanted to say thank-you for writing your book. It really touched me and I got a lot out of it. God bless you for what you do to help women like me.
Heather
Dear Heather,
First, I am so sorry for your loss.
I want to thank you for writing me. Your words mean so much and do my heart good. I typically post my emails to MiscarriageHelp.com. I won't use your last name or email address, but wanted you to know.
Life is a funny, happy, sad and sometimes scary thing. Such a mix- and I suppose that's what makes life what it is: a journey where sometimes, we learn through the most difficult and adverse situations. Miscarriage leaves a deep stamp on your heart, and I walk beside you bearing the same stamp.
But, we're still here- made it through. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Love, Light and Blessings,
Ellen
Miscarriage Help- "...empty handed & with empty arms."
by Ellen DuBois on 03/11/10
Pam says:
Hi, we lost our baby in August of 2009. I went in for my first doctor appointment and found there to be no heartbeat. The doctor did an ultrasound in the office and then sent me downstairs to have another one done. Our baby was gone! My body did not miscarry, I had to go in and have a D& C done. It was so scary for my husband and I. It did not help that we had family members and church members acting as if we were going in to have an abortion. My sister-in-law even told me she is convinced my baby is alive and that I should not go in and have the D&C. When I went in I almost had the feeling as if I were killing my own baby even though the doctor and radiologist assured us the baby had died 2 1/2 weeks ago inside of me.
A few days after my D&C, a woman from my church that I do daycare for, brought over some meals for me. She was 8 months pregnant and just having her come to the house and see her belly made my heart break all over again. I had 3 friends who were expecting in September. I decided it would do me no good to sit and mope so I bought them gifts and made them meals after they came home from the hospital. I thought this was all helping me deal with the loss of our own baby.
In September, my husband's grandmother and mother told us that when we told them we were pregnant they got a terrible feeling. The Grandmother said she prayed about it and God told her something bad was going to happen with the pregnancy. She did not tell us of this until after we lost the baby. The doctor told us to wait a few months and go ahead and try again. That there was nothing wrong with me and all tests done showed I was okay to try again. In wanting to try again we asked family members to pray for us. Grandma called and said after praying all day the Lord gave her this message "would you rather have another one and have your health go bad so you can not care for any of them or be satisfied with what I have given you". Now, not only have I lost a baby but I have lost the dream and hope of ever having another child.
I started to have a lot of anxiety. In December my daycare kids came back, as the mother was off maternity leave. Now, not only did I loose my baby, loose hope of having another but I have to watch a newborn infant 9 hours a day 5 days a week. I started to experience a lot of health issues and came to find out it is all anxiety and panic attacks. I am now on medication for both and seeking counseling. However, we have no Christian counselors here and I feel this woman can not relate to my issues and feelings.
Now it is March. This is the month our baby was due. I find myself feeling depressed. Every day that the little baby comes to my house all I can think of is how my baby should be born soon. I hold her and long for my baby like never before. I have sought out advice for the words my husband's Grandmother said, the only answer there really is; I have to figureit out on my own. She is 89 years old. Did she hear it right? Did she mix it up with her own feelings of worry? No one will ever really know. I am terrified to try and get pregnant in case her words are from the Lord. I have two little boys, I homeschool, I would not want anything to happen to my health so I could not care for them. I have searched the internet looking at adoption sites, hoping maybe this would be an answer for us. Adoption is so expensive and we just can not afford to adopt a baby. I keep thinking if only I continue babysitting I can save up enough money to adopt...yet each day I struggle with the baby being here.
It seems no one understands my loss. No one seems to understand that I lost a baby, not just some cells. No one understands that not only did I loose a baby but the dream of ever having another one on top of that. I hurt so bad inside and just cannot find any answers. I pray, I read the Bible, I seek God and yet I feel lost, afraid, anxious, panicky.
I am hoping that just sitting down and writing out my story may offer me some relief from all of these feelings. I have asked about miscarriage groups and been told we have none around here. It seems every which way I turn I come up empty handed and with empty arms.
Thank you for taking the time to listen to me. I am anxious to buy your book and read it. I hope it will offer me some peace and direction.
Thank you again,
Pam Kanable
Miscarriage Help- The grief and longing.
by Ellen DuBois on 03/08/10
Katherine says:
Thanks for this site. I had a miscarriage on the 16th of june. Then on the 18th of june i went to have a relaxing bath to try and get my head around the fact that I was no longer 11 weeks pregnant. i opened my eyes to find that the bathwater was so red i couldn’t see my toes. I had surgery to stop the bleeding. but i am now having trouble falling pregnant. I miss my Angel terribly, but i also want to be pregnant again and i’m worried that the surgery had damaged my uterus. My Angels due date is comming up on the 5th of January. I was hoping i would be feeling better than i am. I worry that my 18month old little girl senses how sad i am and that it will have an affect on her. I still just feel as if my body failed my baby. The world is moving and yet my world is stuck enveloped by greif and longing. thanks again for this site at least we are not alone. Katherine
Miscarriage Help- When you blame yourself.
by Ellen DuBois on 03/08/10
Dear Katherine,
I am so sorry for your loss and your terrible experience in the bath. That must have been so scary, to say the least. When your baby’s due date approaches, it can really throw you into an emotional tailspin. I know it happened to me and to many of the women here. It’s so hard when you wonder "what could have been". Even now, all these years later, I wonder what my son would have been like- what my life would have been like- had he been born. His birthday would have been around Thanksgiving. So, your feelings of missing your baby may be even stronger because your due date is coming up in January. I know how sad this can make you feel, and my heart goes out to you. I’m guessing that your little girl may sense your sadness, but also your deep love for her. I can’t talk to you as a mother because, sadly, I’m not. Friend to friend I can say that hugging your little one and saying something like "Do you know how much I you? So much!" must go a long way. I bet she already knows how much you love her and I hope you don’t make yourself feel worse by carrying around guilt. Speaking of guilt...while I know you feel like your body failed your baby, it didn’t. Miscarriage is so devestating and often we try to blame ourselves. Boy, I did. Your miscarriage was in no way your fault and I wish I could tell you why it happened. Even if I could, I know your pain wouldn’t be any less. You’re still healing from your miscarriage and you’re also afraid you won’t be able to get pregnant because of the surgery. Please try to stop blaming yourself, your body, for your miscarriage. It was a very painful loss and it hasn’t been very long since your baby went to Heaven. Give yourself the time you need and try to believe your miscarriage is not and never will be your fault. I was riddled with guilt for while, much like you are, and finally set that free. It took time and I know now, only after time went by, that I was not to blame. It was a very sad event in my life as it is yours. When we don’t know the answers, especially when it comes to losing someone we love, we often turn to ourselves and say it was our fault somehow. The holidays are here and I know you’re walking a very emotional road. Just take one day at a time and remember to give yourself the space you need to breath and be still. It must be hard to do with an eighteen-month old. But, during those moments when you find yourself alone, please treat yourself gently. Perhaps you could try some guided meditations on CD with some headphones. Just sit and "be" for ten minutes or so and you’ll feel you mind, body and spirit calm down. If that’s not for you, there are other things that help balance the scales. Taking a walk, just being in nature for a few minutes and soaking in the beauty of it, praying, counting your blessings, and so much more help you feel more calm in your life- in your mind, body and spirit. It helps lessen the fear and guilt you carry- it’s all part of helping you heal. I believe your a wonderful human being, a wonderful mother. You’re very sad right now because you’re still grieving the loss of your little one. I hope you can believe this about yourself. Seeing your doctor and expressing your fears about becoming pregant again may be a good idea- if you haven’t already done so. Even if you have, you can always talk to your doctor again just to feel more comfortable with where you are in terms of becoming pregnant. Perhaps, you need some reassurance that you are physically fine to become pregant, and no damage was done to your uterus during surgery. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please know you can always come back to vent. I understand and so do the countless number of women and their families who have shared their hearts here. You’re right when you say you are not alone. I know some days it feels like it, but truly, there are so many who read your words, just like you did their’s, and connect to you on a very emotional and spiritual level.
Peace, Love and Healing to you, Ellen
Miscarriage Help: 45 and afraid of another miscarriage.
by Ellen DuBois on 03/06/10
Dear Rosa,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know how deeply this has hurt you and your husband. Your fears about being 45 and getting pregnant without miscarriage & delivering a happy, healthy baby are not unfamiliar to me. You also mentioned getting pregnant without help. Again, I am not unfamiliar with this fear and the realization of the costs involved with IVF, egg donars, etc.
Medically, I can't speak to the fears inside you. As a woman faced with a situation that's very close in nature and circumstance, I can listen and offer what I feel. You're not alone in this and I know it feels like you are sometimes. I also know your faith runs deep, but the human side of us 'kicks in' and it's during those times we cry, wonder, question and feel an overall sense of sadness that's so deep and hard to shake. Combined with our biological clocks ticking so loudly we feel deafened by the noise- we are left on an island of seemingly one.
I'm on that island with you, Rosa, as are countless women in their forties and thirties who are wondering....Will I ever be able to get pregnant or has the window closed forever? Do I need fertility treatments? If I do, how can I afford them?
I think what needs to come first is YOU and your time to grieve, feel, and heal. If you can, try to separate yourself from being an Interist and treat yourself- the woman, the sprititual being named Rosa, as you would your best friend. Give yourself the chance to mourn the loss of your miracle baby, who sadly did not stay with you on the physical plane. My heart goes out to both you and your husband.
You need time...Your faith is strong, and may feel tested, but it's there and I believe God gave us each other to lean on during times like this. We count on each other for strength, support, understanding.
I stand with you at the precipice of infertility...I hold your hand as we cry over babies we have lost and may never have. I struggle to wrap my brain around it with you. I cry when I hear of an unwanted baby or a baby who is abused and I know I've got all the love in the world and then some to give. I look at my life, as you look at yours and ask God when, if ever, will I be a mother? The tears that fall from your eyes fall from mine and as I dry yours, you dry mine. And it's not only us. There are countless women who are on the same ledge we are. They fear the same- and we are all here for each other.
When you've healed- when the storm of emotion settles, please talk to your doctor, or a different doctor to find out exactly what your options are. If this feels right to you, you'll know it. As I say to myself it's not too late, but will be pretty soon, you probably say the same to yourself.
Well, faith will carry you through as it has me. I'd do some research on women over 45 having healthy pregnancies without help...without fertility treatments, etc. I don't know about your eggs and their condition, as I'm unclear about mine. I can tell you I have known of women in their forties who have, without help, (other than from God), had very healthy babies and pregnancies. I say this not to give you false hope but to give you hope. Hope doesn't die, just as the soul doesn't.
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I am glad you found MiscarriageHelp.com. The site was off line for a little over a week, but I'm back with a new server and everything's fine. I want to be here for you, for everyone...and we're all here for each other.
Love, Light and Blessings,
Ellen
Miscarriage Help- 45 and wanting a baby so badly.
by Ellen DuBois on 03/05/10
Rosa says:
Dear Ellen:
I found your website over a month ago, and I look for it daily. Was sad when I thought you weren't coming back. You have brought me comfort, where no one else, even my beloved family and friends can. My husband tries, he is so good, so good to me. I am 45 years old; got married at age 44 last year. That was a miracle! First time for both of us; I always felt that since being a christian, we both "waited" till we got married to honor the Lord and be blessed in our marriage, and that I truly believed that having found the right one, God would make my other dream come true, of being a mom. I saw 3 docs who said my chances were zero due to my age, that the eggs were too old, that I should use donor eggs. We didnt have proper insurance or the cash to do IVF with our own eggs or donor anyway. We left it up to God and were considering adoption "someday" perhaps. Well, low and behold, I got pregnant this past november. What a wonderful surprise! We were so happy! And all on our own, no help! It was the best Xmas of my life. I felt God rewarded us with a miracle baby, despite the doctor's prior poor prognosis that I would never conceive. We kept it a secret, intending to tell our folks on new year's day. On new years eve morning, at 5 am, I lost our baby. It was the worst physical pain and the worst emotional pain I have ever had. The baby fell into my hand, with perfect arms and legs and dark eyes; I was 8 and a half weeks; I havent stopped crying every day since then. The pathology was XXX, a female with numerous genetic abnormalities. I continue to wish I was pregnant; I miss that pregnant feeling, I want my baby back. Yet, as an internist, I know the scientific realities of all of this, it still hurts so much. When will the pain go away? I everyday see young women in my office who are aborting their babies when they find out they are pregnant, and it kills me. I deserved so much better. It hurts so much that I may never be a mother. Why me?
When I am in public I am ok and act very professional in my office, but when I am alone in my car or the shower, I cry. I have read several grief books, scriptures, and have been counselled by my pastor. When ever I see a baby or pass a store with children's things, I want to die inside. Will I ever feel the same again? I bought your book and am awaiting it in the mail. Please pray for me. Many friends and my family members say that God can bring another miracle, that the doctors arent always right, but I am as much afraid of being pregnant again as I am of never being pregnant again. Have you ever heard of a 45 year old woman conceiving on her own with no help, and having a healthy baby? I know I will see my little girl in heaven one day, and she will be mentally and physically perfect, and I will always be her mother, but it is so hard. Mother's day this year will be so difficult.
Miscarriage Help- "The Shift" by Dr. Wayne Dyer
by Ellen DuBois on 03/05/10
Hello Everyone,
Blessings to you. Please know how sorry I am for your loss.
I've posted a review/commentary on the book, "The Shift- Taking Your Life From Ambition To Meaning" by Dr. Wayne Dyer. As you'll see, I was given a complimentary/reviewer's copy, and for this I am extremely glad!
I've also seen the movie by the same name, The Shift and let me tell you, I've been so uplifted and soothed every time I've watched it.
After a miscarriage, or any kind of loss, change, trauma, etc., we often question so many things- especially ourselves and our purpose. I did. I questioned myself, thought I'd failed in some way, questioned God, asked every "why" question I could think of. All this and more. I sustained a mental and emotional beating after my miscarriage, most of which I gave much myself.
I hope you find something that speaks to your heart in my book review, and commentary on the movie. I know how much they've helped me, and continue to do so. My wish is they do the same for you.
Love, Light and Blessings,
Ellen
The Book:
The Shift- Taking Your Life From Ambition to Meaning: I had the privilege of being given a complimentary copy of "The Shift- Taking Your Life From Ambition to Meaning" by Dr. Wayne Dyer, provided by Hay House Publishing. As with all Dr. Dyer's books and CD's, I was immediately engrossed and found myself wanting to read more and more.
When life feels like your boat's facing upstream, The Shift will bring you to a place of thoughtful pondering and surrender. For me it was not about giving up, rather, about giving in to what your soul, your spirit, is telling you will make you happy. This comes not without challenge, for the ego is one tough foe. I know mine is. What is your ego? To me, it's the part of my being that continually focuses on what I need to achieve, have, do, get and accomplish in order to feel whole. When my spirit tells me otherwise, my ego steps in with boxing gloves on, ready to knock it out of my mind. Yet, it's impossible to knock out my spirit and calling. The ego is no match for my soul. On my journey of discovery throughout the pages of this wonderful book, I found myself experiencing my own 'shift' within. I knew, without a doubt, the more I focused and tried to force the outcome of my ambitions, the more I lost touch with the what my heart was telling me- live with meaning.
While reading The Shift, I asked myself: Who am I? What's my soul want? What's God or the Universe telling me? What am I not hearing because I am so blinded by what my ego, or external self, is trying to convince me of? My ego tells me I'm supposed to do, get and achieve. My soul tells me to follow the path my heart tells me to- allowing my life to be lived rather than trying so hard all the time. Go with the flow, as they say. Have faith that the right outcome(s) will occur, and in fact are occurring, in my life by the process of complete surrender. How to surrender? You've heard it before, but I'll say it again: By letting go and, well... letting God. That's my take.
Being a spiritual person, I was very open to asking myself so many questions while reading The Shift. However, no matter what your beliefs, Dr. Dyer demonstrates a love for everyone. In his eyes, we're on level playing fields. You, just by being you, are more than good enough and can live a life that feels right- down to your core. The Shift- Taking Your Life From Ambition to Meaning is about finding and following your calling in this world- not the one everyone thinks you should be following. What's right for you? The Shift is about being true to yourself. This can be done by quieting yourself, turning off the ego's chatter and listening to your heart. This will plant your feet upon your Divine path. It's about letting yourself 'be done', rather than doing, forcing, and doing some more. The Shift told me to live rather than worry all the time; to trust as opposed to fearing. I learned there's an inherent truth we are born with. The truth is who we are- not what we've got. It's present as we develop, without effort, within our mother's wombs. Dr. Dyer points out how when we were still within the safety of our mother's womb, we didn't have to try to do anything. It was being done! We didn't have to focus on the color of our eyes, how tall we'd be, what our gifts would be. They were already there and we didn't have to do a thing. We were simply "done". God, The Universe, The Source, whatever you're comfortable with, did it all for me- and for you, too.
The most significant message I received from The Shift by Dr. Dyer is this: Our higher self is the God that is within each and every on of us. The God that's saying: I love you. You are my child. You are Divine. You are loved and there's a wonderful path that awaits you- if you can listen to yourself, (the God within), and not your ego. Your ego wants to keep you down, toss your dreams to the curb. Those dreams are yours, they are real, and are so much more than your ego could ever give or offer you. You deserve and can be happy. Quiet yourself and listen instead of rowing upstream all the time.
I believe those who read this magnificent book will get what they need out of it. What you're reading now is what I needed to hear. The message you receive may be entirely different, but one thing our interpretations will have in common is that of an awakening to our own, personal truth and how to better follow it.
The Movie: I have watched The Shift- From Ambition to Meaning, starring Dr. Wayne Dyer, several times, and plan on watching it again. I've found it to be one of the most insightful, soothing and inspiring movies I've ever seen. I want to share what this movie means to me, in addition to my review of the newly released book of the same title: The Shift- Taking Your Life From Ambition to Meaning, by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer. (You don't need to see the movie to reap the benefits of this life-changing book).
"I love this movie. Every time I watch The Shift- From Ambition to Meaning, I get something new out of it. Much like Dr. Dyer's books and CD's, this isn't something I watch only once. I go back to it again and again. The Shift is extremely well done, and Dr. Dyer's performance is delightful. This movie is inspiring, soothing, entertaining & enlightening. The Shift is very powerful in its seeming simplicity- like an onion, layer after layer comes to light. Each time I get nearer to making my own shift, I feel like I'm getting closer to my authentic self. Within my true self lies meaning- not the ambition of the ego. I'm getting it...One day at a time and step by step! Thank you for this magnificent movie and the entire concept of The Shift."- Ellen M. DuBois
If you are seeking, hurting, in despair, wondering, pondering, trying to find yourself or figure out what your truth is, are tired of fighting 'things' all the time, then The Shift- Taking Your Life From Ambition To Meaning, will provide you with the insight, and tools to live your authentic life as your authentic self, as only Dr. Wayne Dyer can. He's an incredible writer...an incredible person...a magnificent spirit who shares his gifts and helps so many- myself included.
If you need a lift, read The Shift.
Ellen M. DuBois
Miscarriage Help- When you fear your biological clock ticking...
by Ellen DuBois on 03/04/10
Dear Laura,
I am so sorry for your loss and know how devastating it is. We all grieve in our own way in our own time. Eleven weeks is not long, although I know there are days when it feels like forever. Please know you're not alone in this. I'm aware that doesn't take away your pain, but knowing we understand your pain and what you're living makes the journey towards healing much less isolating.
The fear of your biological clock ticking is something many of us can relate to-whether we've had children or not. I'm not a doctor, but have read that fertility in women decreases significantly after age 35. I don't know if it's a fact, but found it in a pamphlet while at my OBGYN's office.
(On a positive note:) I know many women in their thirties who have had very healthy, successful pregnancies- my sister being one of them. We are all so different, but I gently suggest talking to your doctor about this. Perhaps your mind would be put at ease. I wouldn't want to see your fears holding you back from healing. Believe me, I know how scary it is to even think about living through another miscarriage. I had the same thoughts race through my mind. I've learned over the years that no matter what my fears were, or are, it's not really in my control. The healthiest thing to do, in my opinion, is to have positive, healthy feelings about yourself and your pregnancy. It calms the mind and body and puts everything in the right state. The thing is, right now you're still so sad over your loss. It's only been 11 weeks and you deserve time to heal mentally, physically and spiritually. Again, I am deeply sorry.
You and your husband probably need to talk this out some more. Maybe with your doctor? I don't know what's right for your or how long you should wait before trying to conceive again. That's why I suggest meeting with your doctor. Having your husband away so much must be tough. There are many layers for you and your husband to work through. I can assure you I am here to listen and support you. I also have faith that you and your husband will get through all of this.
Please let me know how you are doing. You are welcome here anytime, and I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Blessings, Love and Light to you,
Ellen
Miscarriage Help: Support after Miscarriage
by Ellen DuBois on 03/04/10
Laura says:
My husband and I lost our first baby to miscarriage in September. I started to bleed ever so slightly and went to the hospital where they took blood tests and booked me in for a scan the next day. My baby should have been 10 weeks and 2 days old but they found no heartbeat and said it was the size of a six week old baby. We were devastated. I had to go back to the hospital the next day for a follow up blood test and was praying my hcg blood levels wouldn't have dropped and that they had made a mistake. It wasn't to be and our baby had died. 5 days later I was booked for a surgical evacuation of my womb.
It's been 11 weeks now and I'm not really over it. My husband was there for me in every way but he now says he wants to wait a while before trying again and I think that's cos he found it so painful. I am 30 next month and just can't help but feel my time is running out, especially as he works away for 3 months and is only home for one month and especially as it took 18 months to conceive the first time. Then to top it off I fear if it ever does happen again then maybe we will suffer the same horrifying loss and maybe it will never happen for us.
I can't get my head round it all and long for a baby so much. If I knew for definate that our time would come I would relax and enjoy the times I have with my husband till it happened for us but its just that ticking of my body clock and of time slipping away that's devastating me more.
Miscarriage Help- Miscarriage Support Site Relaunch
by Ellen DuBois on 03/03/10
Hello Everyone,
I am extremely happy to announce that MiscarriageHelp.com is back online. After some very long days and nights, server problems, a domain transfer, etc., I am back- WE are back. During this week of being out of touch, I've literally felt like my right arm was cut off. When MiscarriageHelp.com was offline for the first time in over three years, I thought about all of you- all the time. I wondered who tried to contact me and/or post on this site and felt so helpless. There was nothing I could do but wait. But now, thank God, the wait is over.
To the women and their families who have written in, shared their hearts, told their stories after miscarriage and most importantly, found support, I want you to know I saved ALL your comments from the prior site and they are posted here. I've not completed the task- there's over 800 pages in Word. But your words mean the world to me, and it's worth every minute of time spent getting your posts, and my responses, back up for others to read and gain support from.
I felt a shift taking place inside of me over the past week. After realizing there was nothing I could do but wait for this site to 'reappear', along with the email address, I found the best thing to do was to give it to God. What was all the worry going to accomplish? Would it bring this site back any sooner? No. It wasn't easy. I wanted to "make it happen"- but found I couldn't. So, I had a choice: spend my time worrying, feeling anxious, etc., or put my time to good use by having this site ready to go as soon as the domain transfer was complete. I chose the latter and I'm glad I did.
Speaking of shifts, I want to share with you my feelings about a movie called The Shift, starring Dr. Wayne Dyer, and also a book review I wrote on his new book of the same name- The Shift- Taking Your Life From Ambition To Meaning. Both works mean a great deal to me and have helped me through some pretty tough times. Both the movie and the newly released book have enabled me to find the light within what appeared to be a very dark place. A place I know many of you relate to in your own way. I will share this is my next post.
Love, Light and Blessings to all of you. Please feel free to email be by clicking on the email link under my picture, or leave a comment here. Past comments are listed, (not all are posted yet), and you can read them by selecting the links off the menu at the top of this site.
Today's angel message by Doreen Virtue is: "There is nothing to fear or worry about, Dear One. You and your loved ones are protected by the strength and love of God."
Ellen
Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com
by Ellen DuBois on 02/26/10
Hello. My name is Ellen DuBois, Host of I Never Held You and author of I Never Held You- Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1).
MiscarriageHelp.com has a new look, but it's still the same miscarriage support site that it's been for over three years.
So many of us feel alone after miscarriage, and that's why this site was created. I can't tell you the number of times I cried, thought about my baby, wished he were here, blamed myself for my miscarriage, felt alone and isolated, became depressed, anxious and more- after my miscarriage. I lost my baby-a baby I fell in love with from the moment I knew he was growing within the safety of my womb.
Then, in the blink of an eye, he was gone. Every wish, dream, plan- gone.
I went through a rough time- an understatement. I know you can relate to this. I felt there was nowhere to turn, and there really wasn't. I didn't have the Internet some eighteen-years ago. My family was great- they tried. My husband at the time didn't really know how he felt and we become very distant. I'd go into bookstores, searching for something that spoke to my grief, my emptiness, the isolation I felt, the jealousy of pregnant women I carried, the guilt, the depression and tears. I came up empty handed time after time.
Many years later, I Never Held You was published. This was my way of sharing the road I took to healing and recovery after miscarriage. At first, it was a small, downloadable "ebook". A few years later, with the help of some wonderful commentaries and a forward by Dr. Linda Backman, I Never Held You became a longer, even more healing paperback book, including heartfelt guidance and advice on grief, loss, pain, healing, sprituality and more by Dr. Linda Backman, who lost her son Adam after giving birth to him at 26 weeks and having him live for a mere hour. Her son and her loss deeply impacted her life and the path she took towards helping others, just as my miscarriage and its fallout changed my life forever and was the catalyst for my book and this miscarriage support site.
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