Miscarriage Help

Hello Everyone,

Blessings to you this day. I pray you are all doing the best you can and would like to remind you to be gentle to yourselves. The road to healing after miscarriage is full of bumps. We are all here to help each other over the rocky path.

This comment is from the archives at MiscarriageHelp.com. To anyone who is feeling like their miscarriage(s) is being dismissed, or you're crazy for feeling like you do, I am here to tell you you're not alone, nor are you crazy. Your grief is real and will always be validated here. Your baby is sadly missed by you and I know will always have a special place in your heart...forever.

Love, Light and Healing to you,
Ellen

Mary says:

Not sure that I am totally comfortable sharing my feelings with strangers, but here it goes.

Three weeks ago I miscarried and had to have a D&C. At 16 weeks, my baby girl was gone. What do I do now? I had prayed for a baby as long as I can remember. At 43 I was blessed with the news of a baby on the way. Surprise, only shared with a few choice people as to not jinx things. The magic time had come, we had made it through the first trimester. Shared with everyone...I wanted to shout it from the mountain tops.

Then CRASH! Just teasing, you don't get to keep your baby girl. We named her Gracie Kristine. But what else? there is nothing left. I don't get to hold her, to kiss her, to comfort her, to touch her...

My heart has been cracked many times, practically glued back together; but now it is just BROKEN...unrepairable! I have been through a lot of grief in the past few years...I should know how to deal with this. I lost my mom and daddy within a year of each other, my grandma got Alzheimer’s and passed, my sister was diagnosed w/cancer (almost didn't make it), my fiancée committed suicide, lost my dog (supposed to help me heal), my baby's daddy chose to end our relationship, my job is hanging by a thread, and now my Gracie is gone. I can make it through one loss before another arrives. This one has pushed me over the top.

Logically, I know what I need to do; but my heart doesn't understand logic anymore.

People just don't understand, and don't know what to do. I have had all the comments--"just wasn't meant to be", "you're lucky that you didn't carry her longer", "when I lost my baby, I just had to move on, no since in sitting around crying" and my favorite "at least you didn't give birth and then lose her...once you are a mother, you really know what hurt is"---I know what hurt is...and that really cut like a knife! I am a mom!

The tears don't stop flowing, my emotions are all over the place, I either don't sleep or sleep too much, I can feel myself slipping further and further into myself, nothing sounds good to eat (i have to though because I am diabetic), I am numb, I don't really care about anything. This is so not like me...I just sit or lay down.

My support system is running thin...shouldn't you be over this by now or at least moving forward...Tell me once you have lost your baby!!! They try to be helpful, but they don't know what to do...they are busy with their own lives and for them time goes on. I try to reach out to them, but when they don't have the time, I just feel rejected all over again. I don't like asking for or accepting help anyway...I am the caregiver...not the receiver.

Got a miscarriage bracelet and necklace with Gracie's name on it from myforeverchild.com. My dad and brother are building me a memory box for a few mementos, her fist sleeper, a journal I have been keeping since I found out I was pregnant, a poem I wrote to read at her gathering I am having, a letter I wrote to her, a letter from her daddy (I hope), a small container for her ashes, and I am finishing the quilt I had started (family tradition). Of course, I get comments like "Aren't you going a bit overboard" or "you are obsessing, you should see a counselor" or "you are losing it"...I'm not Crazy!!!

But I am missing so much. I don't get to hold her, to touch her, to comfort her, to rock her, to sing to her, to watch her grow, to be her mama. I have lost my dream...nothing seems to matter any more.

How do I deal with people who are frustrated and tired of my crying when I end up in the baby section at the store, or hear a song, or see a pregnant woman, or a newborn baby, or the baby's first Christmas ornament, or all of the other things that send that wave of emotion crashing in???

What do I do about the two baby showers I am in charge of between now and Christmas...for my nephews? We still need to celebrate their new miracles...yet it just continues to break my heart...I feel like I am dying inside.

Okay, I am sorry. I just keep rambling. Thanks for listening and letting me babble. I just don't know where to go from here or even if I want to go on...I am just really tired of losing, mending broken hearts, and putting on a happy face to make others feel comfortable.

I just want my baby girl to be validated...she may not have lived outside of me, but she very much lived inside of me. I was able to be a good enough mom to bring her healthy into this world, but I am going to be a good mom and make sure she is not forgotten!!!!

Thanks again for listening and having a safe place for us to share our inner most feelings.

Ellen says:

Dear Mary,

First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. Actually, you've suffered too many losses, and I'm deeply sorry for them all.

Gracie Kristine is a beautiful name, and the memorial, etc., you are planning for her is not overboard. It's what you want for your baby girl and you have every right to do it. I know it's one of the most painful things you've had to endure, but if your heart tells you it's right, then it's right. Please don't listen to those who say you are doing 'too much' to honor your baby girl's short stay with you.

I certainly can see where you'd feel pushed over the top. Honestly, I'd have to talk it all out with someone. There's so much on your plate...

Your heart and logic are two very different things, as you're well aware. I know what it's like to 'know' and to 'feel' different things. You're in the middle of an emotional tornado. Seems to me there's so much spinning around; so much upheaval in your life. You miscarried and your relationship ended. That's not to mention losing your parents, fiance, dog, etc. God, I am just at a loss. Although I don't know you, I wish I could be there to help you.
When people say things that hurt, I don't believe it's intentional. That doesn't change the fact that their words hurt. Please try to realize they don't know what you're feeling. They have not walked in your shoes. In no way am I dismissing how words can do a number on us- "cut like a knife". It seems to be the sad way people respond to a woman who has miscarried. They often don't view you as a Mom, and you ARE. Just like I am, and all the other women here are.

Just because we didn't hold our babies, doesn't mean we didn't love them, have dreams and plans for them, imagine them growing up and all the joy we'd get from simply loving them. When those dreams and wishes are gone in an instant, our lives are turned completely upside down.

There is not a time limit for your grief. If people seem to want to 'hurry you along'- let it go. Do everything within your power to just breath and give their comments to the universe. Let'em go. It's hard. I know they have lives and think you should be moving forward by now. Well, they can think that all they want, but this is not about them. It's about you, your baby Gracie, and your way of dealing with your grief. If you feel like you're up to it, when someone says something to you that hurts, you don't need to lash out, but can say something like, "You know, I lost my baby. She was real. You don't need to understand how much I hurt. I'm not asking you to. Could you please just support me instead of trying to tell me what's right or wrong? I wouldn't do that to you. I wouldn't wish this on you."

I don't know if that would feel uncomfortable, but the thought came and I wanted to toss it out to you.

You know, you ARE a WONDERFUL person and your miscarriage has NO reflection on how good a mother you'd be, or how good a person you ARE. Not being able to bring Gracie into this world was completely out of your control and doesn't make you any less of a person. Please don't think it does. I hate to think of you adding to your pain by blaming yourself in some way for your miscarriage. It's easy to do. I did it. It did nothing but hurt me more and make my journey towards healing more difficult.

However, I support and understand 100% why you are making sure she is not forgotten. I think you're doing a beautiful thing for your daughter, and both you and she deserve it. It's heartbreaking, but you are helping to create closure. I never did that, and wish I had the wisdom to do so after my miscarriage some sixteen years ago.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I can't help but think of you and send you as much healing energy as I can. You will remain in my thoughts and prayers, and the door is always open here for you.

Please take care of yourself, Mary. YOU ARE worth it. All you can do is take one moment at a time, and if you need to talk to someone, like a grief counselor, please don't feel you're weak for doing so. You've been through a tremendous amount of pain, and there's no shame in asking for help. Sometimes, it's far easier to talk to someone who is a stranger. A counselor just cares about YOU and what you're feeling. They don't judge you, place limitations on your feelings, and are patient with you. You deserve all that, and so much more.

God Bless,
Ellen

Mary says:

Thank you so much for listening and understanding Ellen. You don't know what a relief it was just to hear you say it was okay. I am seeing a counselor, the same one who has been with me through the other losses. I try to work on the things she suggests that I do, but sometimes even that is too hard. I have to go back to work next week and I am just really not ready to do it...BUT, I am so afraid that I am going to lose my job, I don't feel like I have a choice. Anyway, I have used up enough of your time. Thanks again, you made my Sunday feel a little lighter.

Today's message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue is:
"You can call upon us by thinking the thought, Angels, please help me!; asking God to send more of us to you; visualizing us surrounding you or your loved ones; writing a letter to us; and using angel oracle cards."

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