Sunday, November 22, 2009
Miscarriage: Fear, Guilt, trying to be there for your family.
Katherine says:
Hi,
Thanks for this site.
I had a miscarriage on the 16th of june. Then on the 18th of june i went to have a relaxing bath to try and get my head around the fact that I was no longer 11 weeks pregnant. i opened my eyes to find that the bathwater was so red i couldn't see my toes. I had surgery to stop the bleeding. but i am now having trouble falling pregnant. I miss my Angel terribly, but i also want to be pregnant again and i'm worried that the surgery had damaged my uterus.
My Angels due date is comming up on the 5th of January. I was hoping i would be feeling better than i am.
I worry that my 18month old little girl senses how sad i am and that it will have an affect on her.
I still just feel as if my body failed my baby. The world is moving and yet my world is stuck enveloped by greif and longing.
thanks again for this site at least we are not alone
Dear Katherine,
I am so sorry for your loss and your terrible experience in the bath. That must have been so scary, to say the least.
When your baby's due date approaches, it can really throw you into an emotional tailspin. I know it happened to me and to many of the women here. It's so hard when you wonder "what could have been". Even now, all these years later, I wonder what my son would have been like- what my life would have been like- had he been born. His birthday would have been around Thanksgiving. So, your feelings of missing your baby may be even stronger because your due date is coming up in January. I know how sad this can make you feel, and my heart goes out to you.
I'm guessing that your little girl may sense your sadness, but also your deep love for her. I can't talk to you as a mother because, sadly, I'm not. Friend to friend I can say that hugging your little one and saying something like "Do you know how much I you? So much!" must go a long way. I bet she already knows how much you love her and I hope you don't make yourself feel worse by carrying around guilt.
Speaking of guilt...while I know you feel like your body failed your baby, it didn't. Miscarriage is so devestating and often we try to blame ourselves. Boy, I did. Your miscarriage was in no way your fault and I wish I could tell you why it happened. Even if I could, I know your pain wouldn't be any less. You're still healing from your miscarriage and you're also afraid you won't be able to get pregnant because of the surgery. Please try to stop blaming yourself, your body, for your miscarriage. It was a very painful loss and it hasn't been very long since your baby went to Heaven. Give yourself the time you need and try to believe your miscarriage is not and never will be your fault. I was riddled with guilt for while, much like you are, and finally set that free. It took time and I know now, only after time went by, that I was not to blame. It was a very sad event in my life as it is yours. When we don't know the answers, especially when it comes to losing someone we love, we often turn to ourselves and say it was our fault somehow.
The holidays are here and I know you're walking a very emotional road. Just take one day at a time and remember to give yourself the space you need to breath and be still. It must be hard to do with an eighteen-month old. But, during those moments when you find yourself alone, please treat yourself gently. Perhaps you could try some guided meditations on CD with some headphones. Just sit and "be" for ten minutes or so and you'll feel you mind, body and spirit calm down. If that's not for you, there are other things that help balance the scales. Taking a walk, just being in nature for a few minutes and soaking in the beauty of it, praying, counting your blessings, and so much more help you feel more calm in your life- in your mind, body and spirit. It helps lessen the fear and guilt you carry- it's all part of helping you heal.
I believe your a wonderful human being, a wonderful mother. You're very sad right now because you're still grieving the loss of your little one. I hope you can believe this about yourself.
Seeing your doctor and expressing your fears about becoming pregant again may be a good idea- if you haven't already done so. Even if you have, you can always talk to your doctor again just to feel more comfortable with where you are in terms of becoming pregnant. Perhaps, you need some reassurance that you are physically fine to become pregant, and no damage was done to your uterus during surgery.
I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please know you can always come back to vent. I understand and so do the countless number of women and their families who have shared their hearts here. You're right when you say you are not alone. I know some days it feels like it, but truly, there are so many who read your words, just like you did their's, and connect to you on a very emotional and spiritual level.
Peace, Love and Healing to you,
Ellen
Click here to share your comments, read hundreds of comments, or scroll down for useful information, and more. Thank you & God Bless. Ellen
Today's angel message from Doreen Virtue's Perpetual Angel Calendar is: "God loves all of His children equally, and sends us angels and our messages to help all of you who ask."
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Thursday, November 19, 2009
Miscarriage: "Still find it hard to believe and come to terms that I will not see my baby."
Eunie says:
Dear Ellen,
I have come back to leave you another note. I read your post today, when I was feeling alone and felt like no-one really understands me and how I feel about losing my child. I know you do - I wish you and others here had not experience the pain of losing a child to miscarriage.
I wish I could say that I was feeling better, but in actual fact I feel like the loss and pain is getting worse. It seems that as the date of my expected delivery draws closer, I am feeling the loss of Addey all the more. I also had recent surgery to remove a Teratoma from my ovary, which made me think of Addey all the more and the loss I was feeling. He was meant to be there growing - I am not meant to be nursing a painful stomach - I am meant to be carrying a child, my child, my boy. He was a boy as we found out that he had too many Y chromosomes. Some people have said there should be some comfort in knowing that he was not perfect and not meant to be - I have not experienced any comfort knowing this.
I still find it hard to believe and come to terms that I will not see my baby. He will not be born in 14 weeks. I will not get to hold him, kiss him, love him.
My heart is being ripped apart here and I want it to go away. I had been seeing a psychologist prior to my miscarriage about an unrelated matter. I have tried to talk about it - but nothing I say seems adequate enough to convey the pain I feel. If I was to walk in his room collapse on the floor with tears in my eyes then he would see how I feel. I feel nothing I say can convey how I truly feel.
I have been having a few bad days and wanted to write it out.
Thanks Ellen for this site, and for sharing your own experience with us. It does help to know we are not alone.
Eunie
Dear Eunie,
I am so sorry. You're going through a very bumpy time right now, and I know it feel like your heart's been torn up. Your emotions must be all over the place, and I realize your recent surgery brought up even more feelings about your precious Addey. (When I went to my niece's ultrasound many years after I miscarried, I was full of fear. The last ultrasound I'd been to was my own, and you know how that turned out. I went, and was happy I did because I made it through and now have memories of a beautiful baby who was healthy, and I was very happy for my niece.)
As what would have been your due date approaches, I understand the pain of losing your baby is magnified. Mine was around this time of year, still is, (even after all these years), and I truly get how you're feeling. My son Alex would have been celebrating his eighteenth birthday right around now- a Thanksgiving baby.
Grief is a very difficult thing to 'wrap your brain around'. On top of grieving, you're feeling all the dreams you had for your son come crashing down around you- all over again. Actually, it never stopped. Grief is a path in life none of us want to walk. When you're feeling isolated, it can be worse.
The pain you're living will subside and I'm acutely aware this sounds so distant, if not impossible, right now. Also, it doesn't take away from the day to day experiences you're having which are making you so sad. However, there is hope and when you're ready, the hope inside of you will come to the surface. It will give you the strength you need. Right now it sounds like a time of feeling- and nobody wants to feel the depth of pain you're experiencing. My heart goes out to you. I know what it's like to wake up and wish I were living a dream- somebody else's life. Then, you realize it's your life and all the emotions rise to the surface. When that happens, they come out in the form of tears.
You're walking a road to healing, even if it doesn't feel like it. It's the part that cuts to your core and causes those tears to fall. Tears I wish I could help wipe away, but they fall because you have to let them out. Missing your baby, your pregnancy, the world you envisioned with your child, is certainly cause for your tears.
Perhaps the psychologist you've been talking to about another matter needs to know exactly what you're living right now in order to be a better listener. Your grief mustn't be dismissed. When that happens, you end up feeling more alone and often worse. If you are able to express everything to your psychologist, you may feel better by having your grief acknowledged and just being HEARD. Maybe you'll be gently guided, too. Nobody can give you the answers or take away your pain, but people can help you as you heal. That's what I try to do and I'm just 'me'.
In being ' just me', I understand you and I think all of us who have live through miscarriage, and sadly many have lived through more than one, DO understand you and we all don't have degrees on our wall. Our 'degree' consists of life experience- and that goes a long way in terms of support.
You're approaching your baby's due date and the holidays are upon us. You've just had surgery and that's another trauma to your mind, body and spirit. For now, would you feel comfortable placing the focus of your visits to your doctor on your miscarriage, your grief and everything you're living? I think an unbiased listener like your doctor could help hold your hand as you traverse this rocky road. Please try to open up a bit more to him- if you're comfortable with it. I've cried many tears in front of a psychologist- and you know what? That's what conveyed my level of pain. That's what brought out the raw, gut wrenching emotions I was carrying around. I wasn't even seeing her about my miscarriage- it was about my divorce. But, my miscarriage came to the surface of my mind and I couldn't stand the pain I was in.
So...I talked to her. She listened. It helped.
Eunie, I'm here, listening and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please come back and let me know how you're doing. If you need to print out your writings here and bring them to your doctor, please, do it. Sometimes, we experience a loss for words when the moment to talk arrives. That's because it's such an emotional topic and time for you. Just a suggestion....You'll know what feels right to you.
Love, Light and much Healing to you.
Ellen
Dear Ellen,
Thanks so much for your understanding words - and for being supportive to us all here. I am thinking I will take your advice about taking my writings here to my psychologist. It could help him understand me more. I know the weeks that are about to follow will be tough and I will come back and let you know how I am doing.
Thank you again
Eunie
Dear Eunie,
You are so welcome- Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers always.
With much love,
Ellen
Click here to share your comments, read hundreds of comments, or scroll down for useful information, and more. Thank you & God Bless. Ellen
Today's angel message from Doreen Virtue's Perpetual Angel Calendar is: "We, your guardian angels, know you better than you know yourself, since we were assigned to you at birth and have watched you grow and evolve."
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Monday, November 16, 2009
Miscarriage: When people ask, "Do you have any, or more, children?"
Carrie says:
I too am glad to have found this site, especially because I feel as if so few people really understand what I am going through. In August, I had my third miscarriage. The first two happened before the birth of my son. When I expressed to my doctor my anxieties about trying for another baby, he confidently reassured me that things would go well. They didn't. After seeing a fertility doctor and taking many blood tests, they were able to find the problem and provide a plan so that my next pregnancy will have much greater odds of success. This doctor is also very confident. I however, am terrified. Although I am happy that they have found a problem - which sounds strange to say but my problems are supposedly "fixable", I don't think I will ever feel confident or secure. So not only am I still going to be a paranoid nervous wreck when I do get pregnant again, but I am also so angry. I am angry that I had to lose three babies before they would run tests to find a problem. I am angry that I believed the doctor when he told me everything would be fine. I am angry that women have to suffer loss after loss before someone will say hey, maybe there is something wrong, maybe we can do something to fix it. I realize for many women there are no answers, and that makes me wonder how much medical reasearch there is about miscarriage. I wonder how many women like myself suffer and mourn in silence, because no one else even knew they were pregnant. I sometimes feel like I have this awful secret I am hiding. At parties and weddings, my husband and I are constantly asked when we are going to have another child. We are teased that we need to catch up with other siblings or neighbors or friends, as if having children were a contest. I have to politely smile and make my laundry list of excuses or joke about why my son is an only child. They don't know that my heart is sinking inside and I want to cry out, "I should be pregnant right now!" You would think that I would be excited about trying again for another baby. This time, supposedly, the odds will be more in my favor, but emotionally I am not there yet. I do know that my desire for another child outweighs my fears, so I know I will get there and I hope all of you will too.
Ellen says:
Dear Carrie,
I am so sorry for all of your losses. You've been through a lot, and I understand not only your pain, but your anger, too.
Women do suffer in silence, and I am thankful you found this site to let some of your feelings out. As you know, it's SO difficult to hold them inside. It plain hurts.
As I try to put myself in your shoes, I believe I'd have the same mixed emotions. To know there is something pointing to why you miscarried three times provides hope for your next pregnancy...Yet, you have to ask yourself, why did it take three miscarriages for a doctor to finally test you and find out what was going on? You brought about a point about how much research is truly being done on miscarriages and why they happen. I agree with your thinking. You pointed out something that I didn't think about enough, or explore.
Is miscarriage important enough for science to research? It is to the millions of women who lost their babies.
For you to believe in doctor's reassurance that everything would be fine when you were pregnant was not an abnormal thing. I would, too. However, after your first miscarriage, then your second...I'd be scared out of my mind. After your third, I can see so clearly why you would not yet be at a place where you'd feel confident enough to release your fears. You've been though so much loss and pain. Grieving three babies is a very full plate and my heart goes out to you.
I do pray, however, that whatever your doctor found will be the key to a healthy, happy pregnancy and birth. When you are ready, you will know it-and if you need help in being able to release your fears so you can enjoy being pregnant, it may be a step to consider taking if you're inclined.
What I don't want to see is your anger eating away at you. I know why it's there, and I don't dismiss it at all. But, my greatest wish is for you work through your very real feelings and get to that place where you can try, (if and when you're ready), getting pregnant without the fear and anger. I realize you want that, too, and the road to feeling as comfortable as you can while pregnant is a tough one to travel. After three losses, it would be.
When you're out and friends, etc., tease you and your husband about when you're going to have another child, it must be so terrible. I can see where you'd want to scream instead of politely smiling and making conversation while your heart is crying. I don't have children, and when people ask me about it, (those who don't know me), I do say that I wish I had children and did suffer a miscarriage.
The sad, but amazing thing is so many women look at me and say, "I had one, too." Sometimes, they've had more than one. Or, it's their daughter, daughter-in-law, mother, etc., who lived through the pain of miscarriage. Once the door is opened and the subject of miscarriage comes up, women who, perhaps have held their pain in for a very long time often find themselves saying what they've longed to say to someone who 'gets it.' "It happened to me, too."
I'm throwing this out there to you in case you find yourself in another situation where people are talking about babies and when you're going to have another. People often make the assumption, and it's not really their fault, that giving birth to a child is just one of those things that happens easily. To say, "I'd love another child, but I've had three miscarriages so I don't know what will happen," wouldn't be a 'wrong' thing to do. It's all about your comfort level. I will tell you this, the people who, (not with bad intention), kind of ride you about having more children would stop in their tracks and wouldn't be asking you painful questions about having more children. Hopefully, they'd let you know how sorry they were for your losses.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I know there will come a day when your joy outweighs your fears. Please don't push yourself. Allow yourself to grieve the babies you've lost and your heart and soul will tell you when you are ready to try again.
Love, Light and Blessings,
Ellen
Click here to share your comments, read hundreds of comments, or scroll down for useful information, and more. Thank you & God Bless. Ellen
Today's angel message from Doreen Virtue's Perpetual Angel Calendar is: "We speak to each of you continuously, and you all have the equal potential to receive and understand our words."
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Friday, November 06, 2009
Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com- Support for those who have miscarried.
MiscarriageHelp.com: Your Host, Ellen M. DuBois. Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. I'm Ellen M. DuBois, author of I Never Held You, a book about miscarriage, healing and recovery, and Host of MiscarriageHelp.com. Having experienced a miscarriage myself, I know first-hand the pain, isolation and often dismissive attitudes which accompany miscarriage. I am here to do my part in bringing miscarriage support and awareness to light. We are all supporting each other and I am so sorry for your loss. God Bless, Ellen
Click here to share your comments, or scroll down to for more comments, useful information, and more. Thank you & God Bless. Ellen
Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss Jewelry -Customised jewelry to celebrate the life of a child lost in miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. Each piece is created using carefully selected symbols to help support the grieving parent after the loss of a baby.
Moms Tears-Miscarriage, Loss, Awareness, Memorial Pendants. Handcrafted with love. Personalized just for you.
My Forever Child- Keepsake jewelry for Remembrance, Healing and Hope.
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Tuesday, December 11, 2007
MiscarriageHelp.com- Comments 2008 & 2009
Miscarriage: A survey for women who have miscarried. Miscarriage: Amy Pegram- Raleigh Infertility & Miscarriage Examiner. Please visit Amy Pegram- Raleigh Infertility & Miscarriage Examiner Miscarriage, Infant Loss Memorial Jewelry, Thoughtful Gifts for Women who have Miscarried. I wear a stunning miscarriage remembrance/awareness pendant and a sterling silver heart remembrance necklace with baby footprints stamped on it made lovingly by MomsTears and MyForeverChild. I love and treasure them. Thank YOU Moms Tears and MyForeverChild- so much. Moms Tears-Miscarriage, Loss, Awareness, Memorial Pendants. Handcrafted with love. Personalized just for you. Healing Jewelry for Miscarriage, Infant Loss, Fertility, Sympathy, Pregnancy and Birth-Handmade Artisan sterling jewelry specializing in jewelry for miscarriage, infant loss, fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby. I am so touched by this song, "Still", by GJ Hofsink. It is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard about the emotions felt after miscarriage- about the love that lives on after losing your baby to miscarriage. It's a song of love, faith, pain & hope. When you hear it, you will probably feel it's speaking to you as I did. Written for GJ Hofsink's son and daughter-in-law after they suffered a miscarriage, this song reaches into the soul of anyone who has lived through the pain and often dismissed grief after miscarriage. Please give this song a listen by clicking the link below. You can purchase/download the song "Still" and and you'll have it right away. I am honored to present this song to you, and feel blessed in finding this wonderful, talented artist with a giving, caring, sympathetic heart. The piano playing is splendid, tender. The vocalist has an angelic quality-she is perfect for this song. "Still" will wrap you in warmth, comfort and understanding. For Gift baskets please email Raffia-Creative gifts by creative moms... The CemeterySpot.com international Online Memorial Listing Service (OMLS) is a FREE service that allows you to establish an online memorial with a unique web address (URL).
Research Opportunity:
Everyone has a unique experience with miscarriage and many find help and
support through groups like this one. Unfortunately, little is known about
women's experiences of support and how this may affect responses to
miscarriage, and so I invite you to participate in my dissertation research
study examining women’s experiences following a miscarriage. Although there
is no direct benefit to you, survey results may help healthcare providers
better understand and meet the needs of women following miscarriage. This
online survey takes approximately 15-20 minutes and is open to women who
have miscarried a wanted pregnancy in the previous 6 months who are 18 years
of age or older, living in the United States, and involved in a relationship
with a significant other. Participants are eligible for a raffle for a $50
American Express gift certificate. For more information, please don't
hesitate to contact me.
Lisa Rosenzweig, Teachers College, lsr2106@columbia.edu
https://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=VCaiTA9Wo6w60W8HA0QxSA_3d_3d
"Amy Pegram is a Raleigh native who has dealt with both infertility and miscarriage. She is eager to share her insight and experience with others going through these challenges."
She has written many helpful articles on miscarriage and infertility. Recently, she wrote about my book and this site, MiscarriageHelp.com.
Thank you to Amy.
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Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Miscarriage Comments 2007 & 2008
Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss Jewelry -Customised jewelry to celebrate the life of a child lost in miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. Each piece is created using carefully selected symbols to help support the grieving parent after the loss of a baby. My Forever Child- Keepsake jewelry for Remembrance, Healing and Hope.
Click here to read hundreds of comments and responses & to share your own.
God Bless, Ellen
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Saturday, March 18, 2006
Miscarriage Comments from 2006 & Meet Dr. Backman
Click here to read and share your comments. New book: Bringing Your Soul To Light- By: Dr. Linda Backman "Linda R. Backman, Ed.D., Licensed Psychologist, has been in private practice for more than twenty-five years. Linda's degrees come from the University of Oregon, University of North Carolina, and Northern Arizona University. In addition, Linda has received training in numerous traditional and non-traditional techniques including hypnotherapy, Life Between Lives Spiritual Regression Therapy, past life regression therapy, and shamanic soul retrieval. Linda has made presentations in her local community and national meetings/seminars on numerous issues. Linda has hosted a radio talk show, Healing Perspectives. Guests on this program focused on both traditional and non-traditional healing of the mind, body, and spirit. Send an email to Dr. Linda Backman: LRBackman@aol.com Please click on the read more link to learn more about Dr. Linda Backman. Click here to visit Dr. Linda Backman's Website Please visit! Susun Weed's Wise Woman Centre-Herbal medicine and spirit healing for women looking for alternative health http://www.october15th.com- Remembering Our Babies was created to provide support, education and awareness for those who are suffering or may know someone who has suffered a miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy, a still birth, or the loss of an infant. We hope that we can help you by giving you and all of the other parents, grandparents, siblings, relatives, and friends a special day of remembrance. This special day of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance is October 15th of every year. http://www.rememberingourbabies.net To read the miscarriage comments from 2006, please click HERE. Thank you and God Bless. Talk to doctors live in the fields of Obstetrics and Gynecology, Psychology, Grief, Depression and more: (This is my parents CD and I'm posting it here because they've always been there to support me, and I am supporting them always...) Together We Can Heal CD: Sponsored by Pikes Peak Hospice, this sensitive recording specifically addresses the difficult issues surrounding the loss of a loved one. The lyrics of these songs communicate and empathize with the wide range of emotions experienced when grieving. The listener may find this recording to be a sensitive healing companion that can penetrate the barriers of despair and loneliness. SelfGrowth.com- - SelfGrowth.com is the most complete guide to information about Self Improvement, Personal Growth and Self Help on the Internet. It is designed to be an organized directory, with articles and references to thousands of other Web Sites on the World Wide Web. Read hundreds of miscarriage comments and/or post your own.Click here http://womensclothingcloset.com Click here to email Ellen Share your feelings by clicking here for our new section, 2008-2009 comments. It will load faster for you. If you'd like to read over 700 comments, and/or post please click here. There are now over 1000 total comments and responses on MiscarriageHelp.com.. Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss Jewelry -Customised jewelry to celebrate the life of a child lost in miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. Each piece is created using carefully selected symbols to help support the grieving parent after the loss of a baby. My Forever Child- Keepsake jewelry for Remembrance, Healing and Hope.
MEET DR. LINDA BACKMAN. I would like you all to meet Dr. Linda Backman, Psychologist, Grief Counselor & Mom whose contributions to I Never Held You carry you through the steps of grief and aid you in better understanding yourself. Click here for more information on Dr. Backman. Dr. Linda Backman: Ed.D., Licensed Psychologist, Grief Counselor, Lecturer and an amazing woman. I owe her many, many thanks and cannot express how much she added to I Never Held You and to this website.
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