Hi Everyone,

I hope today finds you doing well- the best you can. Remember, one moment at a time.

You know, I value the power of connection- of having a place like this to vent. And, today I find myself needing to do the same to you. You have all become so important to me. I have listened to you- you've listened to me and we have listened to each other.

I had an ultrasound today for fibroids. I had to go to my OBGYN'S office where so many pregnant women get ultrasounds.

I can't say I wasn't hit by flashbacks of a time when I expected to see a beautiful baby who was alive, only to find my child has passed over at 16.5 weeks. However, I knew I was there for something quite different than a pregnancy and it's become something I've had to accept for the past 6 and a half years.

The very day my sister was upstairs celebrating the joy of the birth of my beautiful nephew some six-plus-years ago, I was two floors below at the same hospital having my first ultrasound for fibroids done. Quite the broad spectrum. Thankfully, I was able to go upstairs and see my beautiful, new born nephew when my procedure was finished.

Today, I needed another ultrasound, and I was okay with it. Of course I felt a bit at odds emotionally as I sat in the waiting room looking at pictures of babies on the wall, pregnancy pamphlets on the tables and pregant women waiting for their appointments.

I asked God and the angels for strength and got it. Also, I participated in a healing the night before and was feeling very good about all the positive, healing energy given to me. It was beyond description.

My name was called and I headed for the exam room. The technician was good at what she did and put me at ease with her calm manner, etc. The only problem I'm dealing with is this: When I asked if I could have copies of the images for my medical records, I was told: "Well, we really only do that for people with babies."

OUCH.

Why was it such an ouch? Why, after all these years did those words pierce through my heart like a dagger? Why, after all the healing, all the time, all the "everything" that's transpired since I lost my baby some 19 years ago, did my eyes feel like they were about to fill with tears? The sting was palpable.

Only for people with babies.

I had no baby. I lost mine and it still hurts sometimes. Especially when in such a 'baby' environment. I was surrounded by reminders of a terrible, painful time in my life. I've grown from it. I've written a book that I'm proud of to help others 'deal', 'cope', etc. I run this site because I'm in this 100% for you and for me, too. We all need support...

even if it's 19 years later. And right now, I could use a little.

Thank YOU for listening to me this time.

Love, Light and Healing,

Ellen

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Hi Everyone! Tomorrow is the day I pick a winner at Hope Angel Bracelets, (http://hopeangelbracelets.com). All you need to do is sign the guestbook- put the word PRIZE somewhere in your entry, and a random winner will be chosen. The prize? Two Hope Angel Bracelets and a signed copy of my book on miscarriage, healing, grief and recovery- I Never Held You. Good Luck to all who are interested!

Love, Light and Blessings,

Ellen

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Sheila says:

last wednesday i went in to have my second ultrsound down & to see if the baby has down syndrome. well when the ultr sound tech did the ultra sound, she left bruptly. i knew something was wrong, so i prepared myslef for what was to come. the dr. came in a told me that i had a dead fetus. this is now friday the 27th, and i have had no bleeding or cramping of any kind. he also told me that i needed to have a d&c done. i have a huge support group. alot of the women that i spoken to said they've had or know someone who has had a miscarriage, and said no bleeding or cramping was unsual. so i am getting a second oppion, and hopefully,(but ready for what i was already told)that the baby is alive and the other dr. was just no seeing the heart beat very well. i also heard from nu,merous peeps that this sertain dr. has been sued twice in one year. i am very scared if i have to have a d&c done. i know its for the best of my body, but i have never in my life had a surgery. my husband of
 15 years will help me cope with this. and this is our 3rd baby and it was planned this time! so after a d&c what should i expect to happen? are the chances of me haveing a miscarriage again high? or if we try again are the chances slim? i was told to wait at least 2 mths. before trying again. why is that? and is it normal for moms that go through this, not wanting to know the sex of the baby? we were really hopeing for a girl this time. i think i would be crushed if i knew right away. thank you for taking the time to listen to me ramble on bout being scared and unsure of this d&c thing.

thanks sheila

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Kaylouise says:

Does the "why my baby? why now?" ever go away? Will we ever find out why it happens? I don't think i will. I never want to try again for a baby because loosing them hurts too much. You women are much stronger than i am, love to all of you xxxx

Dear Kaylouise,
I am deeply sorry for your loss. Please give yourself the time and space you need to grieve, to feel, to heal. I won't lie to you and say it goes away completely...it's been 18 years since my miscarriage and I still think of ...my little one. I still feel the ache sometimes. I've come a long way...it's been a long road to healing. Healing doesn't mean forgetting.

As with any loss, you don't forget nor are you expected to.

Believe me, the questions in your post that run through your mind and the fear of living through the pain of miscarriage again have been felt on so many occasions by myself, and so many others. I know it hurts deeply- and my heart goes out to you.

It's about joining together. It's about healing after your loss. It's about support. It's about validating your very real grief because so often the world dismisses miscarriage far too quickly and expects you to 'just get over it' and on with your life. It's about me being here for you, and you being there one day for someone who aches as you do now. We really do help each other through, and this door won't close on you. It does not take away your pain, but it gives you a place to vent, let it out, release what must come off your chest and hopefully know you are not alone on this very sad  journey.

I can't give you the 'why' to any of it. All I can do is let you know I care, I'm here, and we all feel for you and send much love.

Love, Light and Healing to you,
Ellen

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Betty says:

My daughter lost her pregnancy last week...she had to have a D&C (They may call it a D&E these days).  Then she was called to the emergency room on Friday evening to have the chemotherapy to stop the ectopic pregnancy.  She may have to have another injection of this next week if her HCG counts don't go down. 
 
Right now, she is totally depressed, doesn't ever want to get pregnant again.  Says they may adopt instead.  Her OB/GYN doctor told her she is very fertile...hadn't had any fertility treatments, but yet got pregnant with twins.  I'm sure she has your book as I had it sent to her address with a nice note from her Dad and me.  Her husband was on a business trip to Europe when all this happened, but he is back home now.  Amy says she doesn't want to read the book yet because she is so upset.  I have read that it is better to face her feelings than holding it in, but she will have to make that decision.  I'm just here to love and support her. 
 
As you understand from going through what you have and I know myself from having 3 miscarriages, one later in my pregnancy.  My husband is quiet, but in the 43 years we've been married, he has always been able to comfort me and make me know how much he cares.  In the approximate 20 years since I was diagnosed with MS, he has been the most wonderful husband I could ever have.  I am so very thankful for that. 
 
Thank you for writing to me.  It means so much to me at this time.  I don't know if it is because I am reliving my own memories in my head or just grieving for what my daughter is going through, but it hurts very much, both for her and me.
 
Thanks for your support, Betty

Dear Betty,

I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. For some reason the program didn't alert me to my guest book being signed at HopeAngelBracelets.com. I want you to know both you and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for her loss, and for yours. You lived through two miscarriages and have carried the feelings with you ever since. I know what that's like. Your daughter is living it now, and I know how much you want to reach out and be there for her. I will pray for your healing and for your strength. I know because you've sadly walked this road, you can be there for your daughter. I can only imagine how you must feel being home bound, and loads of prayers are being sent your way for your MS, too. Two good friends of mine have MS, and I've seen what it can do to you. But, you've got a strong spirit and a very strong love for your daughter. I know they will carry you through. Again, both you and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers for many reasons. Please know you can visit MiscarriageHelp.com, too. The door is always open. Please take care of YOU and remember you can 'vent', share, etc., anytime. I am here to listen. I care & have walked the walk. I also hope my book helps your daughter, and you. It's been a passion of mine to reach out to those who have miscarried because I know what it's like to feel alone and have your loss dismissed. Those of us who have lived it know differently- Your loss is real. You have the right to grieve and heal and we all join together to help each other out. Sending Love, Light and Blessings your way- Ellen

Betty says:

I wrote a note yesterday about what our family is going through...my daughter is pregnant, but will be having a D&C tomorrow because of not progressing. The doctor feels she also had an ectopic pregnancy at the same time, most likely would have been twins. As I wrote yesterday, I also had miscarriages when I was younger, so I am aware of what she is going through. Being I am homebound with MS, I cannot be with her at this trying time. However, I have had your book sent to her so that when she gets home from the hospital, it will be waiting for her. Thank you for writing this book which I am sure will help so many that are going through this ordeal. Love and best regards to you.- Betty

Dear Betty,

It's been a busy day and I'm just getting to emails now. When I read yours, I felt compelled to write you before going downstairs.
 
You know, your daughter will read the book when she's ready...if she wants to. It's one of those things that's so personal. However, what counts is that her Mom is there for her and I'm sure she takes great comfort in that. Sometimes, it's hard to show when you're in the middle of all of al the heartache and confusion. I truly feel for your daughter and for you.
 
Thank God you've got such a fantastic, loving husband and he has a wonderful, loving wife. You sound like you're there for each other and that counts for so much. My parents are celebrating their 50th this weekend and us girls, (three daughters, I'm the middle), are having a surprise 'get together' for them. They've been through it, too- the good and the bad. When my mother was seven months pregnant with me, she and my father buried my brother David. He died at 18 months.
 
They weathered the storm and it wasn't easy. They were also on 'pins and needles' for the duration of my mother's pregnancy with me. My father told me all he cared about was hearing the word 'healthy' from the doctor. Girl or boy didn't matter.
 
I am relieved to know your daughter's husband is home with her. Even if she has a tough time expressing herself, (I dont' know if that's the case), having him home is a comfort. Nothing can take the pain away...it's a healing process. But, when people lean on each other, it makes getting through it easier. Sometimes it's with words. Sometimes just being in the same house. Other times a hug says everything.
 
I think you are going through many emotions. You're a mother who wants to help her daughter get through her loss, and a woman who has suffered three miscarriages of her own. You can't help but have your own feelings from years ago triggered.
 
Just know there's someone here, in addition to your family, who cares very much about what you and your daughter are living and, well, I just wanted you to know.
 
Love, Light and Healing,
Ellen

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Anna says:

Today is a hard day. 15 years ago today I had my frist miscarriage. Over the past 15 years I have had three miscarriages and finally had triplets and blessed with a single birth child. But it has been a rough day today. My dad came over and got my children took them home with him until Sunday. And Michael's birthday... is today and he is 35. We have been through so much over the past 15 years that today i am blessed to have my children but yet wonder how this child would be if I never had that miscarriage. Just wonder if it would be a girl in cheerleading or a boy in football. I just cannot seem to forget the hurt I first had.

Dear Anna,
I am so sorry for your loss, and I feel for you. I know what that wondering is like- and with me it's been over eighteen years. So, I know...I know it doesn't really go away. You heal. You go on. You count your blessings and live.... But, the wondering, the connection to the child you loved and never held remains a part of you.

I've come to accept that it's okay. I can't force the memory or the love or any of it out of my life, so I've come to embrace it as part of who I am. That doesn't mean I like it, or it's always easy because every Thanksgiving I have days just like the one you're having.

Again, I am so sorry.

You have the right to grieve. You can't help but wonder. All of the ways you feel are your own and there is no right or wrong. If you're having a 'day' where you feel in a 'funk', please give yourself permission to have that day and let it out. I wish you didn't have to find this page, or my other site, miscarriagehelp.com, but I'm glad you wrote out some of what you're feeling and living.

Letting it out helps because you find you connect with people who not only 'get you', but actually share in your pain, your healing, your journey.

Perhaps there will come a time when someone who has lived through the pain of miscarriage enters your life. Sadly, you have lived it. However, that gives you the compassion, the empathy to reach out to another who is hurting.

I never, ever thought I'd write a book and host a miscarriage support site. Not in a million years. But, through the adversity came some light- and it took a long time to shine. And here we are, supporting each other after having lived it.

You and your husband have travelled a bumpy road. You've cried your tears and shared in amazing joy.

And, just like the love that ties you to the baby you carried but never got to see, there is a love that ties you to your husband and children who are here on this earth. Whenever we lose someone we love, it hurts. It's no different when you lose your little one to miscarriage. It hurts...you remember...there are trigger days, and you're not alone in feeling as you do. I know it doesn't take any of it away. Hopefully, it makes your journey a little lighter.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and Light,
Ellen

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Cara says:

Hi Ellen, I am reading your book now as I lost my baby boy at 22 weeks pregnancy in mid-June. It's been really hard since there is no support group in Hong Kong and women in general (both expatriates and locals) do not like to talk it. I just want to tell you that reading your book is helping me with my grief. Thank you so much for sharing it in your book.

Dear Cara,

I am so sorry for your loss. You must feel so isolated because nobody wants to talk about your loss. I wonder if there are any cultures/countries where miscarriage is actually talked about? The Internet seems to be our biggest for...m of communication and support- and although that's good, nothing is the same as human contact. Face to face, listening, a hug.

It does my heart good to know my book is helping you navigate your way through this difficult time. All you can do is your best and take one moment at a time. Dr. Backman was so gracious to write the foreword, share her story of losing her son, and offer heartfelt advice on grief, grieving, and simply getting through the days, weeks, months after miscarriage.

Please let me know how you're doing.

I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, Light and Blessings,
Ellen

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Amanda says:

I recently had a miscarriage and it hurt so much I keep thinking that it's my fault that the babies gone. Now I think I may be pregnant again. I am a week late for my period and i've never been this late before. I really need some advice on how to get over this. Please if you know any ways that can help, tell me.

Dear Amanda,
I am so sorry for your loss. I also want to say it's not your fault you miscarried. Please don't blame yourself. One way I learned to stop blaming myself for my own miscarriage was by thinking about all the mothers who had babies, yet really abused their bodies. They didn't miscarry. I took care of myself and did. It wasn't under anyone's control. Miscarriage is a sad and very real loss....You had no control over it and right now, you're in a scary position- facing another pregnancy and afraid you may miscarry again.
 
Many women who miscarry are very afraid to get pregnant again.
 
I also know of many, many women who lost their first baby to miscarriage and went on to have a very healthy pregnancy and baby. I've known women who sadly had miscarriages in between pregnancies. All this leaves you needing to heal, and fearful of pregnancy in the process.
 
What I gently suggest is to do your best to relax, because it's best for you and your baby if you're pregnant. Easier said than done, I know. Please go to your doctor as soon as you can- and then take it from there.
 
I have to say again that it's not your fault you lost your baby to miscarriage. It may take you a while to absorb and believe this, but please try. You don't deserve to beat yourself up like that. What you need is time to heal, and if you're pregnant, to focus on a happy outcome.
 
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please let me know how you're doing. I wish I had a better answer for you, but I do know how you feel and I hope that counts for something. I think your doctor will certainly make you feel more at ease.
 
Love, Light and Healing to you,
Ellen

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Hello Everyone,

I recently got an email saying someone had commented here at MiscarriageHelp.com, which is how I know when a comment comes in. When I came to approve it, I noticed there were others that I wasn't notified about. Perhaps there was a glitch in the system, but I want all to know that I am sorry for this. Here is the most recent comment from Dante, and I want to thank her for taking the time to share her heart and also to express how deeply sorry I am for her loss.

Love, Light and Healing to you-

Ellen

Dante says:

I felt I had to leave a comment on this. I too had a missed m/c 3 1/2 wks ago and opted for the delivery option. I went thro 5 1/2 hrs of labour to deliver my baby. This being my 8th m/c. I never want to go thro that again and see the baby afterwards, its left me traumatised. I do feel angry & guilty tho about leaving my baby at the hospital too. We opted for post-mortem but I'm now caught in a massive chasm waiting on results. I think every women regardless of how they deal with the m/c have the feelings we have. Its so normal, we are grieving for what might have been. I can't get over the guilt of thinking it was "an abortion" altho my baby was gone and my body wouldn't recognise that fact. It's hard every day and only a cpl of close friends know exactly how I'm feeling. I empathise completely with how you are feeling tho and I can only suggest you make your own memory box of notes to your baby about what u wanted for them and what they meant to you. I have and it brings me a great deal of comfort. I do hope you can one day you will view your experience as the right decision for you at that time. You have my respect and sympathy for your loss. Regards Dante

Dear Dante,

I am so sorry for your loss. Even while you're grieving, you took the time to reach out to another, and I thank you for that. The memory box of notes is a beautiful, touching idea and I think it would bring comfort to many.

Having eight miscarriages...I can't express how deeply my condolences run. You have been through so much loss. I know each baby was loved, and is still loved by you. Please know you can always come here to share some more. If you're ever having one of 'those days' when you just want to get things off your chest, you are always welcome here.

I'll be keeping you and your precious eight little ones in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, Light and Healing,

Ellen

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Pam says:

I had a d&c last week after finding out that I had a missed miscarriage (no hearbeat on the u/s). I have been having terrible feelings of guilt and anger ever since I had the d&c, but things have been especially hard today. I met a woman who was due the same day as me and miscarried as well. Her baby died about a day or so before mine, so our pregnancies and losses were practically identical. The difference is how our doctors treated the loss. Mine recommended the d&c, whereas her doctor had her deliver. Following delivery, the doctor wrapped her baby up, allowed her to hold the baby, took footprints and handprints, and gave them the blanket and prints as keepsakes to take home. They were also able to have the baby cremated. I had already been experiencing guilt over how my baby left this earth (via the d&c process), but ever since I heard her story, I have felt so angry and cheated out of an opportunity to hold my baby. I just can't seem to let go of the anger and I'm at the
 point where I don't want to see the doctor again, but I almost feel like I need a "break-up appt" to air my grievances. Am I being irrational?

Dear Pam,
I apologize for the delay in getting back to you, and I am so sorry for your loss. Your story is the first of its kind for me, and that says a lot because I've been receiving comments from women and their families for about four years. I am so saddened by what transpired- by how you were treated after your miscarriage vs. the way the woman you met was treated after she miscarried.
 
They couldn't be any further apart.
 
For one, I've never heard of a woman being treated with as much respect for her loss, her family's loss, as the woman you met was. Her baby was considered real and loved. Her loss was treated as such- a real loss. The brief stay her baby had with her was viewed as something tangible. I know she is hurting, and I am deeply sorry for her loss, too. 
 
 
Your feelings about losing your baby, and how you were treated afterward, match mine. I'll bet they match countless other's, too.
 
You are not being irrational, in my opinion. I know I'm not an expert. I'm just like you and the hundreds and women who have shared here. I would feel cheated out of the closure they gave the woman you met after she lost her baby to miscarriage. You were not given any kind of comfort, closure or respect. I wasn't either, and too many still are not.
 
You bet I'd talk to my doctor. Miscarriage is the loss of your baby, not an 'event to be blown over'. You had plans, wishes, dreams for your child. Those were stripped away when your baby left and went to Heaven. You were left feeling isolated and probably felt like it didn't matter to the doctor who was caring for you.
 
Now, I honestly don't think I could have gone through delivering my baby. I opted for a D&C. It was presented to me like this: "You can wait to miscarry, but it will be very painful and messy, or, we can schedule a D&C in two days. I recommend the D&C." That's what the doc. who 'cared for' me said. So, I chose, as I've said before, one trauma over another. However, I do feel it was the best for me.
 
That being said, you also had a D&C. The thing is, even with a D&C, I believe a woman and her family should be offered help with their loss, their grief. I know there are so many women who need the same closure the woman you met received. A memorial service could have been offered to you. A keepsake, (whatever that may be, like a special blanket, bracelet, etc.), representing your baby, etc., could have, and dare I say should have, been offered to you.
 
Too often you and so many others, including me, are left in a cold, sterile, uncaring environment after miscarriage. It's like it never happened- at least emotionally. Oh, we're told to come in, get checked, and we're told of all the medical tests, checkups, etc., that must be attended to. But, what of our emotional state? What about our loss? What about the baby we loved but never held?
 
 
What about the fact that we want to scream, "I just lost my baby! Don't you care?"
 
 
Pam, it's terrible you lived this, and I want you to know I'm here. It doesn't take away your pain. It doesn't change anything except this: I get where you're coming from and so do the others who have lived through miscarriage, or sadly more than one.
 
Miscarriage awareness and the fallout it leaves in its wake should be brought to your doctor's attention. It should be brought to the entire medical community's attention. Obviously the woman you met had a very empathetic, sympathetic doctor and staff. I know there are caring, wonderful doctors out there, (my own OBGYN is one of them), who know how to treat a grieving woman and her family after miscarriage.

We need to see many more doctors who are well versed in how to treat a woman and her family after miscarriage. Period.
 
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers
 
Sending you Love, Light and Healing,
Ellen

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Dear Ellen,
        I have posted here 3 times before, and i wanted to thank you for your support at these times. Tragically pregancy #4 has ended the same way as numbers 2 and 3 in miscarriage. My little girl it seems is more of a miracle every day.  I am once again gutted to the point beyond despair. wishing that i could Hold my angels in my arms and see their little faces sitting at my dinnertable along side my daughter.
I feel utter abhorence to the flesh i have to call my body. i feel as if it is killing my babies.
i feel selfish for still wanting more children i feel as if by getting pregnant again i will be putting my baby on death row. but most of all i wonder WHY? why are we given our babies only to have them taken away too soon.
I loved all my babies the moment they formed in my belly, i love them now. and i'll love them always. It seems sometimes a mother's love just isn't enough.
Thankyou for listening

Dear Katherine,
 
I am so sorry for your losses. Again, you are feeling the pain of losing your precious baby to miscarriage, and I am here feeling pretty helpless. All I can offer you is my heart- and it's going out to you. I offer you my ears- and they're listening. I give you my full support- and it doesn't stop.
 
I understand why you're blaming your body- it seems it's letting you down over and over again. I know this is part of what you need to feel right now, and I would, too. I also gently suggest taking the time you need to feel ALL of the feelings associated with your losses, and then try to turn the focus away from hating your body, and blaming yourself, for your miscarriages. It seems it's only serving to hurt you, and I hate to see that. I don't want to push it because it's not my place and everything's so raw and painful right now.
 
Believe me, I think I'd feel so much like you at this moment.
 
I'm looking at this through the eyes of a friend, and someone who has felt the pain. Have I felt it four times? No. The load you are carrying is extremely heavy. I can only extend my deepest condolences to you, your husband, your family. I know the love you felt, and still feel, for your babies is as real and as deep as it gets.
 
I hope you give yourself the time you need and permission to feel. Can you get any time just for you? Time to "be" with your grief and in turn, with your healing?
 
I'd talk to my doc., although I have a feeling you have. If you need some help getting through this, please don't be afraid to reach out. I know you are here venting and sharing, but talking it out with someone who is a professional does help- at least it did in my case. We are all so different and you've got to trust your gut on this. It doesn't take away your pain- it helps guide you through, feeling more understood, validated, supported and far less alone and isolated.
 
I wish there was a way to make this easier for you. You are not selfish for wanting more children. You are not anything but a loving, wonderful person who is very, very hurt right now. Understandably.
 
Katherine, you're in my thoughts and prayers. Please let me know how you're doing. And...while I know your beautiful daughter does not replace the babies you have lost, she is indeed a miracle and I thank God you have her.
 
With Love, Light and Healing,
Ellen

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Carlo says:

Hi Ellen,
 
My wife and I were married for 2 years before we finally got pregnant. The changes in her body were amazing and beautiful. We were SO excited about finally becoming parents and meeting the little wonder that was growing inside of her. We couldn't afford to start a nursery or anything but we did buy some things. I was in the Marine Corps and frequently deployed. Every time we had a chance to see each other it was great. I happened to be here with her, deploying for only a couple of weeks at a time. We lived off of the base, so I had to wake extra early so I could go to the base for PT (Physical Training- that's when we do our exercises and many-mile runs). My wife and I had sex on a Sunday afternoon she started bleeding. Since it was on a Sunday we couldn't call her doctor. We didn't go to the hospital. Monday morning I had to go to the base for PT. I was not with her when it happened. About two hours later I came home to shower and my wife was sitting on the bed, crying. She told me that she had a miscarriage. She explained that she had some severe cramps and went to sit on the toilet. "Something" came out and she believed it was our baby. She retrieved it from the toilet and placed it on the bathroom counter. I went in and looked. We grieved together, and I asked her, "What are we supposed to do with it?" We didn't know the answer, or who to call. We couldn't deal with seeing it on the counter either, so I asked her if I should flush it down the toilet. "I don't know," was her reply. I eventually did it. My platoon sergeant gave me some time off, but when I eventually went back to work and told that story I received looks that could kill. The faces say it all- "How could you flush your child down the toilet?!" And they're right. How could I do that? "How could you NOT take her to the hospital?" I don't know the answer to that one either. "She started bleeding and you didn’t think to call an urgent care nurse?" Actually, no. We didn't think of that. Naturally, I never tell that story anymore for fear of receiving more condemnation. We have two children now, and my oldest doesn’t even know that there was a pregnancy before him. It took another 3 years to get pregnant with him, and 8 years after him before our youngest came along. They are both little miracles and I cherish them a great deal.
 
The way everything happened is terrible to think about. The subject of miscarriage hurts SO MUCH because we feel like we can't talk about it.
 
Well, this was hard for me to write. Thank you for your time.
 
Carlo

Dear Carlo,
 
I am so sorry for your loss. I know it's been some time, but the memory of what you and your wife lived through sounds like it haunts you. Sadly, I've talked with people who miscarried at home, and they've gone through many of the emotions, reactions, etc., you had to deal with.
 
While I'm no expert, I do know how it feels to miscarry. While I'm not one who miscarried at home, I've responded to countless women and their husbands who have, and wrote to talk about it. I've also read many emails, and spoken in person to people who miscarried at home, on the toilet, and lived through the nightmare of flushing their miscarried baby down the toilet.
 
You are not alone in not knowing what to do at the time your wife lost the baby. The regret, questioning, all of it, is something that sadly, many people have lived. You did the best you could in a terrible situation. Many people don't know what to do when they miscarry at home. In my opinion you've done nothing wrong. There should be no condemnation- and you won't find it here.
 
Also, many women have some bleeding during pregnancy. What probably started as some spotting turned out to be a miscarriage. It's devastating. It's a hard road to walk. I didn't know I was losing my baby when I saw some blood on the toilet paper. Many of us don't know. Yes, I called my doc. and went in for an ultrasound, etc. It changed nothing. I still lost my son. What I didn't experience was the trauma of losing him at home like so many have.
 
What you deserve is sympathy, understanding and support. You were there for your wife. I know you had to leave for a bit. You came back to find your baby was gone. You'd never lived it before. None of of have until we actually do.
 
She was in a great deal of emotional and physical pain, and you were, too. Perhaps not the physical part, but you were in pain. You lost your baby and you wanted to care for your wife. You were both in shock. You did the best you could given the circumstances and there's nothing to apologize for. Who would know what to do? We can all say I'd do this or that, but until you've lived it, you don't know.
 
Please don't beat yourself up for this. I know it's a very painful part of your life, but to hold onto the regret, the self blame..whatever feelings eat you up, does you no good. Your baby will always hold a special place in your heart and before your child was lost, your child was already at home in Heaven. That's my belief. Your child was already with God and you and your wife were left in a whirlwind of fear, sadness, shock and despair.
 
What to do? You did your best and that counts for something. Please try to set this free - to the best of your ability. It doesn't mean forgetting your baby. It means forgiving yourself for something you are blaming yourself for. You didn't do anything wrong. You had no control over the miscarriage. You had no control over losing your child. Your wife didn't, either.
 
I think you may need some closure- the kind most of us don't get after miscarriage. Maybe you and your wife could plant a tree in honor of your baby. You could set a balloon into the air. You could do whatever feels right in your hearts to help provide the closure you need. I believe this will help you to stop blaming yourself for reacting the way many have and start healing. I don't know if you've ever really healed. It sounds like you've gone on...but healing is different.
 
I wish there were more I could offer. I'm not a professional counselor, doctor, etc. I'm simply a woman who has lived through this and am offering what I can. I hope something I've said helps- even if only in a small way.
 
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Love, Light and Healing to you,
Ellen
 
PS- You've already taken a huge step in writing out your feelings. It does help to set them 'free', if you will.

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Jocelyn says:

This is my 3rd pregnancy and also my 3rd miscarriage. I was really hopeful on this 3rd pregnancy coz it lasted for 2 months and we we're really praying that this is it but unfortunately yesterday we found out that my baby has no heartbeat. I started bleeding a week ago so I rushed myself twice to ER. My 1st ER visit th...e Dr. that my cervix is still close and my baby has still a heartbeat of 110-120/minute but on my 2nd visit Dr. told me that the heartbeat is only 60-70/minute. When I saw my OB yesterday she confirmed that the heartbeat is totally gone. I opted for a D&C this time instead of the pill. For D&C the Dr. can check if my baby has chromosones abnormality. I'm sched for D&C on Tues 07/20/10 but today is just Sat. so knowing that I'm carrying a dead fetus inside me for a couple of days is just heart crushing. All I can do right now is cry and read blogs. Having a very loving husband and family really helps me a lot also. My husband's strength and optimism is what keeps me going.

Dear Jocelyn,
I am so sorry for your losses. My heart goes out to you. Also, Cheryl, I am sorry for your loss, too and you're an inspiration to reach out while in pain yourself.

I remember the feeling of waiting...it was horrible...for my D&C. I kept thinking about my son inside of me who was no longer alive. I don't know what got me through it. I had no choice. I talked to God...but, when you're living it, it's like you go into this 'zone' of self protection and somehow get through the day.

I know with my D&C, the doctor said there was "no abnormalities in the fetal tissue." Oh, I just wanted to scream. Please, I thought, stop calling my baby a fetus- fetal tissue. And, I heard the, "You're young. You can always have another."

I think the greatest support we draw from are sites like this one. We are there for each other and because we've sadly lived the same experiences, we can relate to each other. When we write our feelings out, we know the ones reading them have walked the very painful road after miscarriage.

There is is hope. There is light. There is healing. I know you've got to go through the grief, and I will be here, and at the 'home site' miscarriagehelp.com, every step of the way if you need me.

Remember to please, treat yourself gently. Know that on those days when you're really feeling alone, we are out here thinking of you and sending loads of prayers & good thoughts your way.

I tend to mention a memorial for your baby whenever I respond to anyone's post. I do this because seventeen years after my miscarriage I finally had my own memorial for my son. It was simple yet beautiful. It was very bittersweet. I got the closure I'd waited so many years to find. I wrote a letter to my son, read it aloud, and released a balloon into the air.

I cried. But, I knew my baby was fine and could feel him, his energy, all around me. No, it's not the way I wanted it. It's the way it happened. And yes, I still sometimes get sad or wonder. But, I know it's all okay and I'm normal for having these feelings.

Know you are, too.

Love and Light to you,
Ellen

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Stephanie says:

In 2005 I had a miscarriage at 20 weeks...From day 1 everything was fine so they said. I was extremely sick but they said that it was normal because I was pregnant. Then in May when we went to find out what we were having we found out that the baby had a cystic hygroma and fetal hydrops and had a 1% chance of making it.... We went in 2 weeks later and there was no heartbeat. They didnt do a DNC I had him vaginally and he weighed 8oz. RIP Brayden MIchael!

Dear Stephanie,
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the road you walked...being told your baby had a 1% chance of living and having to deliver him vaginally. I'm sure it's been quite the road for you.

I know time heals, but when you're smack dab in the middle of your grief, it doesn't seem to help when you hear it. Sadly, I think people... no, I know people, need to be more sensitive to a woman's loss- a family's loss, after miscarriage. You lost your child, and so many treat miscarriage as an 'event' to get over quickly. We all need and deserve time to heal, no matter what loss we experience. This includes miscarriage.

I know you will always have a special place in your heart for Brayden Michael, and he will be near you always.

What a beautiful name for a beautiful soul.

Sending Love and Light your way,
Ellen

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Holly says:

Hey Ellen,

It's 11 at night and I'm feeling so blue.  I've been crying for 3 hours straight.  I went to the doctor today for my first  appointment and was 10 weeks, 1 day.  No heartbeat.  I'm beyond sad.  What makes me feel even worse, is that this is a second miscarriage - back to back.  I was a little sad about the first one, but also relieved.  I didn't know I was pregnant and had a serious bout of asthma & lots of meds as well as my mammogram to boot.

This time, however, I was glad and happy (although unplanned, because I was on the pill and supposedly "recovering" from last time).  I spent 4 hours at the doctor, and am scheduled for a D&C.  My husband, although supportive of me, is relieved because he doesn't want any more.  I understand where he's at, but illogically I feel so betrayed, and am just so sad for it all.

What's even worse, I still have morning sickness & am hungry as if everything were still OK.  It is so hard & I'm feeling just miserable.

Does it ever stop hurting?

Dear Holly,
I am so sorry for your loss(es). Back to back miscarriages, one miscarriage- all of it takes a toll on you- mentally, physically and spiritually.
 
Your husband is there for you, and in a way he's not. That's not a judgement call in any way, but his feelings of relief transfer to you. This is just my take, and I'm simply sharing. It's like energy- you feel his support yet know he's not grieving as you are. I, too, know how sad that feels. It can also make this entire, sad experience feel more isolating than it already does.
 
I wish there was something I could do about your pain, your grief. You have every right to feel what you do and letting it out is so important. Grieving the loss of both your babies is so important to your healing. As with any loss in this life, we grieve...and the time frame is as different as we all are from each other.
 
But, we're alike in many ways, too. I have felt your pain, as have the others here and sadly, countless women around the world. Through that pain comes a connection because we 'get each other' in the truest sense.
 
I've said this to many, but know it helps: When you're ready and if it feels right to you, please consider a memorial service of your choosing for your babies. It can be very simple- nothing complicated. So often there's nothing like this after a miscarriage- so the closure we so need is difficult to come by. I waited seventeen years to read my baby boy a letter and then release a balloon into the air. That was my memorial to him, and it was probably one of the best gifts I've ever given myself. The reason, again, is closure. I knew Alex, (my son), was fine. It was me. I wasn't fine. I'd grown, healed, been down the road so to speak, even written a book on miscarriage and healing, but did I ever experience the closure a memorial could give me? No. Not until MiscarriageHelp.com was up and comments started coming in did I think about this. That's because it's typically not discussed after you miscarry. There's often a very "life goes on" attitude towards a woman who has miscarried, and that can make it hurt even more.
 
It did with me.
 
I know you're feeling miserable right now. I know you want the pain to just stop. I wish I could make it end. You ARE on the path towards healing. It takes time and please give yourself the time you need. You're sad and rightly so. It's okay to feel. It's okay to cry. You don't have to be 'fine' nor are you expected to be. There IS light at the end of this road and you will reach the other side. Just give yourself the time you need and know that I, and all the others here, know what you're living and care. We get it- and none of us wish we did. But, we can take our pain and reach out to another who is feeling it.
 
That's what we do. To myself I say that something good came out of the nightmare I lived after miscarriage, and I never thought I'd say that. I'd never want to live it again, but I did live it and so I am here now taking all I learned upon my walk through grief, etc., and sharing it. So are the others here. You are supported by all of us and I'm always here to listen.
 
One moment at a time and I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Love, Light and Healing,
Ellen

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Martine says:

on the 22.4.09 my little boy was still born at 40 weeks, on thursay i started bleeding i was 6 weeks pregnant i feel so numb and just want the bleeding to stop iv got a scan on friday to make sure everythin has come away, how long did others bleed for because its really gettin me down :( im feelin so low at the mo xxx

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Nicole says:

I don't know what to say. I am so sad. It wasn't planned and it could very well be 'for the best' but no matter how practical I force myself to be Im still sad and feel weak fo rbeing that way. I dont want to make a big deal out of it but I'm still passing tissue after 4 days and it's so sad.

Dear Nicole,
I am so sorry for your loss. Often, it's so difficult to put your feelings into words after something as painful as losing your baby to miscarriage. I give you so much credit for letting some of it 'out' here. This IS a big deal. I agree with Adria. You are entitled to grieve, feel whatever you must, and heal- emotionally, physically and spiritually.

The words "...for the best"
"...you can always have another"
"...there was probably something wrong with the baby anyway", etc.,
all may be said with the best of intentions, but they are anything but supportive.
Please give yourself the time you need to feel, grieve, heal. We all are different, have different time frames...there are not set 'rules'. If you need to talk it out..please do so. If you're feeling stuck, know I, along with countless other women are here for you and have walked your path.

I know it doesn't take your pain away, but it does help to know there are so many others who are in your corner. How we arrived here is sad. But, we're here.

Love, Light and Healing,
Ellen

Adria adds:

It IS a big deal! It's so sad and maddening. There is no practicality at this point. You are feeling what is only normal. I have been an absolute mess this past week. Just take care of yourself and let yourself feel it. You have to.
If you don't stop passing tissue or blood after about a week you should see your doc. In some cases if infection occurs - it can cause infertility. He'll/She'll give you a antibiotic to clear it up.
Take care of yourself...

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Hannah says:

 I found out i was pregnant on the 4th May 2010, i was 7 weeks gone. I was really excited as we lost one in January. I started to get pains in my tummy so i rang the doctor and they told me to go to the hospital, by the time i got there i was bleeding and i knew, they gave me a scan told me that i lost it, and i needed ...to rest and have bloods done every 2/3 days untilmy levels are back to normal. I didnt feel right for days and spoke to the doctor who said my levels were not dropping the way they was ment to be and needed another scan as they might have missed something. I went back had another scan and they didnt find anything. I went back home and about 2 and half weeks later my levels still hadnt dropped and actually started to triple and i started to feel dizzy and lightheaded.

So i went back to the hospital and they wanted to do a d and c. Something told me not to let them do this so i said no. They said they need to find out what is causing my levels to rise so i agreed for them to do key hole surgery. After my surgery i was told that i had miscarriage on the 5th due to the fact that i had an eptopic pregnancy. I had my surgery done on the 4th June. It took this long for them to find out what was wrong. I think i would have found this whole thing easier if the doctors were not telling me every other week i was still pregnant then i lost it and so fouth. My husband seems to have delt with it but i cant, my mind is still all over the place.

Ellen says:

Dear Hannah,
I am so sorry for your losses, and for the terrible, emotional time you've been through- emotionally, physically and spiritually. Not only are you grieving, but you've been through so many tests and uncertainities with your doctors. My mind would be all ove the place, too. You're also grieving the loss of another precious baby from ... See MoreJanuary. Again, I am deeply sorry.

One thing I learned from Dr. Linda Backman, who wrote the foreword and commentaries in my book is that each loss in life needs to be grieved separately. I am paraphrasing, but, for each loss in life, you need to heal.

Please give yourself time. I know it doesn't really help to hear that right now, but I can't stress it enough. Take each moment as it comes and feel what you must. If you need to cry, please allow yourself to do so. If it's, let's say, in the middle of the store and you are having a hard time, try to promise yourself that later you'll give yourself permission to grieve, feel, heal.

I also was given a very precious gift by the women who post on MiscarriageHelp.com and it was this: a memorial for my son. I waited so many years before doing this, and wish I'd known about it sooner. I never thought of it when I miscarried over 18 years ago. My mind was so all over the place that I never thought of it. Doctors never suggested it. Friends and family didn't really know what to say-but they tried to help. I still felt so alone in my grief, and can relate to how you're feeling.

So, years later, with my best friend by my side, I read a letter to my son and set a balloon with his name on it into the air. As I watched it float away, I felt a sense of closure I hadn't felt before. I needed a way to bring me this feeling. When we miscarry, we don't typically have a funeral or memorial service, so we end up feeling like this terrible loss happened and there was....nothing. Nothing to remember and honor our babies. Nothing to say, "My baby was real and I loved my child. This is my tribute to my baby's life because my child mattered to me and to my family."

If this feels right to you, you'll do something when the time is right. If not, that's okay. We are all different in that we grieve and heal in our own way. However, we are all here to support each other as we take our steps toward healing. I have found writing out my feelings helps, and MiscarriageHelp.com and this site on Facebook have shown me how powerful our words are. Letting them out to people who understand provides a sense of comfort. Knowing there's somebody out there who GETS you and what you're living does help. I want you to know I'm here, and I think we all are here for you. We're sadly connected, but that connection brings us strength. We all reach out to each other and that's so important in a world that still seems to dismiss miscarriage and its fallout.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Hannah.

Love, Light and Healing to you,
Ellen

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